Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  A cheating husbands will sometimes give his wife various reasons that he can not possibly give up the other woman or mistress.

Excuses that I’ve heard are things like: “she’s so fragile that I can’t break it off right now;” or “I’m going to break it off but I need to do it gradually.”  Another is “but she’s my best friend. I can tell her anything. I don’t want her out of my life.  So we will be friends, but it will no longer be a romantic relationship.”

This leaves the wife with an awful choice.  If she’s going to get the romantic relationship ended, does she have to accept that this woman is going to be her husband’s best friend?  A wife might ask: “how am I supposed to handle my husband’s mistress when he claims that she is his very best friend?  My husband grew up in the same neighborhood as this woman.  Their mothers are very good friends and almost consider each other to be sisters.  My husband actually calls the other woman’s mother his aunt.  My husband swears that there was nothing but friendship between them except for when their relationship changed over this last year. He swears that he never intended to leave me.  But he says that he can’t think about ending their relationship either.  He said that he needs her because she knew him when he was nobody and he knows that she cares about him for himself and not for his achievements.  Like every wife in this situation, I want her gone. But he refuses to even think about it.  He acts as if he can’t function without her.  He says that she is his best friend and always will be.  I don’t want to lose my marriage.  I want a chance to make it work.  But I don’t know how it can work with her still in our lives and with her being so important to my husband.  I think about the way that I feel about my best friend (who is a woman) and I can understand not wanting to let go of that support.  I want her in my life and would be mad if my husband made me end the relationship.  But it’s different because my best friend doesn’t threaten my marriage.  Am I wrong about this?”

I don’t think that you are wrong at all.  In my opinion, it would be extremely hard to live in harmony with this situation.  I am sure that there is a couple out there who has done it successfully, but I would suspect that their situation was extremely rare.

It would be very hard to know that your husband continues to see her regularly, share his hopes and dreams with her, talk about your marriage with her, and generally fold her into your lives.  You would always worry that they are going to cross the line again.  And it would very hard for you to completely heal, while having to always worry about this.

So how do you get him to agree?  I think that the easiest way would be to go to counseling.  Because although I’m sure there are a few counselors out there who might try to work with what you have, I’d suspect that most of them would tell him that he has to end the relationship – at least somewhat.  While it is unrealistic to think that he may never see or interact with her again (because of the closeness between the families,) it is fair to expect for him to see her rarely and to interact with her even less.

Yes, this is sad and unfortunate.  But he made that so when he allowed for their relationship to change.  He is the one who made that choice.  And unless you are willing to have an open marriage and share him, I suspect that their relationship as it is now is going to need to end completely and with finality.

It is just too much to ask of you to allow her to remain in your life.  And it is too much temptation for him.  If the roles were reversed and your best friend was a man with whom you’d developed an inappropriate relationship or had an affair, do you think that he would allow you to carry on with the friendship?  Few people would.  Most people would insist that the relationship end.

If you are not comfortable making this demand or you know that he is just going to refuse, then know that I truly believe most counselors would immediately tell him that keeping that relationship (even if it’s supposedly just a friendship) is just not realistic or advisable.  Sometimes, when it is coming from someone who isn’t you, who is an expert, and to whom you are paying good money, the message is received a little better.

I can tell you that it is a challenge to revive your marriage after an affair even when the other woman is obviously and completely out of the picture.  I can not imagine doing it if she were openly still in the picture and still given a front and center place in the husband’s life and heart.  I do not think that I could have accepted or worked with that situation, but every one is different.  And every marriage has its challenges after an affair.  You’re welcome to read about mine on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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