Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives would love to believe that their husbands can have female friends without any ill consequences. In a perfect world, both spouses could maintain close relationships with members of the opposite sex while maintaining a happy, intimate, and fulfilling marriage. Thankfully, many couples can do just that.

But some couples initially believe that they are capable of this, only to discover later that this was not their reality. Admittedly, very few people become close with a person of the opposite sex outside of their marriage with the intention of inappropriate behavior from the get-go.

Rather, it starts quite innocently enough. It may even begin as (and remain) a legitimate friendship. But at some point, that friendship crosses the line, and both people believe that real feelings have developed. What happens then?

A wife might say, “the woman who my husband has become very close friends with is, quite frankly, lovely. I like her also. But had I known that my husband would develop romantic feelings for her, I would have kept her at arm’s length. They worked on a neighborhood project together, and I encouraged it because I was too busy to participate. My husband is a friendly guy, so I didn’t worry when I saw them smiling and laughing together. My husband smiles at and laughs with everyone. But then I started noticing them calling and texting one another at times when I knew that there was no neighborhood business. It also seemed that my husband was taking many neighborhood walks and jogs where he’d just happen to run into her. It started to give me a weird, troublesome feeling, so I confronted him about it. At first, he acted angrily and denied everything. But after I presented him with everything I have observed, he sighed and admitted that he probably had developed a tiny crush on her and had a tiny bit of romantic feelings. Still, he insisted that she is just a friend. He also stressed that nothing will change. He told me that he loves me, is committed to me, and intends to stay put. I gathered myself and announced that I don’t want him spending time with her anymore. He countered that he made a commitment to the project, but I insisted that plenty of other people could do the project. Since then, he’s been pouting and pulling away from me like I’m asking for something outlandish. Did I handle this correctly? Should I continue to worry about this? I do believe him when he says he loves me. And I also believe that he would hesitate to leave our family.”

Why I Believe You Should Be Careful And Observant: If I hadn’t been through what I have with infidelity, I’d respond that this wife is in great shape with nothing to worry about. And honestly, that could be true. I could very well be projecting my own feelings and fears onto this situation. However, it’s not uncommon for this issue to come to roost later, even if the husband is completely sincere when he tells the wife he isn’t going anywhere. Again, most people don’t have the intention to cheat. It usually happens strictly out of opportunity or vulnerability. 

At the very least, your husband has had the opportunity and he’s admitted that he’s somewhat vulnerable to his feelings toward the other woman. So I would be careful without completely driving the both of you crazy. Here are some suggestions to strengthen your marriage and protect you against this vulnerability. 

Give Him Something Else To Do While He Isn’t Engaging With Her:  The last thing that you want is for him to ruminate over her. Find ways to occupy the time he would be spending with her so that he’s happily spending it with you. During the time he would be working on the committee, take him to a new restaurant or do something that you’ve always wanted to try together. Find a time-consuming couple’s hobby that brings you closer together. If you can bring a sense of newness and excitement to your relationship, he won’t be as likely to think about her and your marriage won’t be under attack. 

Make Sure You’re Connected Emotionally And Physically:  Since your husband insisted that he loves and is committed to you, it appears that he is at least still attached emotionally, but it’s extremely important to ensure that you’re still clicking physically. I hate to say it so plainly, but when he looks forward to getting physical on a regular basis with you, then he may be less likely to be tempted by her. You want to be as close to your husband as you can possibly be in every conceivable way.

A Caveat: I don’t want to imply that cheating husbands have affairs because their wives don’t satisfy or pay enough attention to them. I don’t believe this and it infuriates me when people insinuate the same. However, I’d be dishonest if I didn’t admit that there were some vulnerabilities in my own marriage that I wasn’t willing to see before the infidelity. This doesn’t excuse my husband. And his actions were most definitely in no way my fault. But addressing these things may have made our marriage less vulnerable. 

And having the strongest marriage possible would have only made us both happier and more fulfilled.

Watch Closely But Don’t Make Him Feel As Though You Don’t Trust Or Understand Him:  It’s probably clear by now that, considering my history, I think that any wife would be naive not to watch her husband closely under these circumstances. You want to make sure that he’s honoring his promises and not finding excuses to still see her, or worse, for them to carry on as “just friends” who share some sort of attraction. 

Again, even if your husband doesn’t intend for this to happen, it can. So just keep an eye out, while continuing to build up your own relationship with him. You can watch without conveying the notion that you don’t trust him.

You don’t want to push him away or make him feel defensive – especially if he’s no longer doing anything wrong and is being completely trustworthy.

But, you also want to know at the first sign if her threat hasn’t actually gone away.  It’s very helpful to nip infidelity in the bud quickly so that the damage doesn’t spread. I believe that was part of why I successfully survived it.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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