Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are absolutely floored that their husband is still exhibiting what they believe is inappropriate behavior – even after he has been caught cheating or having an affair. Sometimes, he will casually touch other women. Or look or stare at them. Or attempt to communicate with them. For the purposes of this article, I will be discussing the cheating husband who openly looks at other women in front of his wife.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “my husband’s wandering eye has always been an issue with us, even when we started dating in high school over twenty years ago. My husband has always appreciated beautiful women. And his father was exactly the same way. This used to make my husband’s mother furious but the agreement was always ‘look but don’t touch.’ Well, apparently my husband thought that this didn’t apply to him because he definitely touched. I caught him having an affair with the woman who cuts his hair last year. He broke it off and we have been in counseling. He doesn’t understand why I am so insecure when he looks at other women. I honestly don’t care if he understands it or not. He should respect my wishes enough to stop. But it as if he can’t stop himself. I find it so disrespectful and it makes me wonder if I want to be with him anymore when he can’t even carry out this small request for me. Why would he still openly stare at other women right in front me when I’ve already caught him cheating once?”

I believe that there are various reasons that a man will continue to stare at other women. I will discuss some of these reasons, as well as offer some suggestions on how to deal with this below.

It May Be Second Nature To Him. He May Not Even Realize That He Is Doing It: If this man had grown up watching his father “appreciate” other women, then this was likely deeply engrained within him. Beyond that, it was likely part of his culture. It was even possible that he never even realized when he was doing it and therefore he didn’t completely understand why his wife was getting so mad about it, since his intentions weren’t unsavory. I hear from a lot of men in this type of situation on my blog and many will tell you that they look at ALL women. They certainly don’t intend to cheat with all of these women, many of whom are older or not even attractive. But they will insist that they are hard wired to innocently look at women.

He May Get Some Sort Of Payoff From This: Often, men continue on with a practice that began before they got married because it makes them feel young and alive. They don’t necessarily intend to act on it and they will tell you that they don’t mean any disrespect. But not looking at women would make them feel like a shriveled old man who is no longer really alive. And the very thought of this makes him feel like less of a man.

I’m not bringing up these possibilities to make excuses for him. This behavior makes his wife uncomfortable when she already has a reason to doubt him, which is why the behavior needs to stop. And that leads me to my next point – the best way to handle this.

Make Sure He Understands What He’s Doing And Why You Object To It: I want you to know that I absolutely understand your concern. It is completely valid. But as someone who has gone through this and as someone who hears from both sides of the issue, I can tell you that it’s important to be deliberate about how you approach this. If it sounds as if you are accusing him of wrongdoing, then he will be defensive and you are less likely to get what you want. But if you phrase it in the right way, you could possibly inspire him to willingly do better.

Here is what I would suggest. The next time he openly eyes another woman in your presence, you might say something like: ” I know that you may not realize that you are doing it, but you just stared openly at that woman. I’m not saying that you intended anything inappropriate. I’m not implying that you are going to cheat with that woman just because you are staring at her. I also understand that you aren’t intentionally trying to hurt me. But, you need to know that when you do that, it is hurting me. It makes me think about the affair and it makes me wonder if I can trust you. It makes me feel insecure and it brings up the hurt all over again. So, I need for you to make a huge effort to stop it. I honestly don’t think that you realize that you are doing it. So, when I see it again, I am going to squeeze your hand in order to bring your attention to it and I will expect for you to stop. I need for you to do this for me. Recovering from the affair is hard enough without this constantly reminding me that you pay attention to other women instead of me. I am asking you to do this because you love me and because you want to make a good faith effort to restore the trust. I see it as disrespectful and I know that you don’t mean it in that way.”

Know that you may have to squeeze his hand many times before he actually clues into how often he does this and how often it upsets you. But when he takes notice and he makes a point to stop, make sure to acknowledge his efforts. This is likely a habit that he is going to need to break and that is never easy. But he has a large motivation to change – and that motivation is you.

As you can probably tell, I firmly believe that the husband needs to make a huge effort to change.  If it is making his wife uncomfortable and impedes her ability to heal, then it should be a top priority for him.  Healing takes the effort of both people.  If it helps, you can read more about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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