My Husband Won’t Commit To Me After His Affair
By: Katie Lersch: For many wives, the one thing that might make an affair bearable is a husband who is immediately remorseful and who commits to doing whatever he needs to do in order to stay married. There is still the aftermath of the affair to contend with, but at least you are not having to wonder if he is going to leave you or flee the marriage because of the other woman. At least the choice of what happens to your marriage is yours – YOU get to decide if the marriage deserves a second chance. Unfortunately, not all wives are this lucky. Some husbands are so confused or flustered by the affair that they won’t make any firm decisions – about the wife, about the marriage, or about the affair. He won’t make a firm commitment to anything – or anyone – which can be maddening.
One of these wives might say, “I was incredibly shocked when I found out about my husband’s affair. I actually thought that bit of bad news was the bottom, but I was wrong. The bad news was only starting. Although I assumed that my husband would break off the affair and begrudgingly go to counseling with me, I was wrong. He basically used every delay tactic that he could until he finally told me that he wasn’t sure what – or who – he wanted. He said he needs time to sort out how he truly feels but he is not sure that he can say goodbye to the other woman forever. I could not believe what I was hearing. So I asked, ‘are you saying that you will not commit to your own wife?’ His response was that this was not what he was saying – at least in the long run. But he was saying that in the short term that he wasn’t going to commit to anything right now because he needed more time to let things settle and to sort things out. I have told many friends about this and they say that I would be crazy not to cut my losses right now. I just do not know how to take his hesitation. Do people ever change their mind when they won’t commit to their spouse after an affair? And would it even be worth it to wait? I will always remember his reaction and I will always hold it against him.”
It Is Possible That Your Husband Will Eventually Make Friends With Reality: I will admit that if you chose to go forward, there will be much to overcome, but it is not impossible. Many people live in an alternate reality when they are having an affair. And it can take some time to come down off of that and live in the real world once again. However, once the affair cools, ends, or starts to live in actual reality, then spouses eventually come back down to earth and, with any luck, are eventually embarrassed and ashamed about what a fool they have been.
It is at this time when you get the remorseful spouse who makes all sorts of promises. Granted, in the above situation, this won’t happen when it should have and it may come much too late, but it CAN happen in this delayed way. And when it does, then the couple just goes through rehabilitation (as they would have earlier.) Only the husband will now also have his hesitation to also overcome and make up to his wife.
(Of course, it is up to the wife if she thinks that it is too late and if she wants to give him that opportunity.)
Suggestions For Handling This Issue In The Here And Now: What if you are not at that place of reckoning yet and your husband is dragging his feet? Tell him that this is his decision, but you cannot participate in all aspects of marriage if there are going to be three people in it. That means no sex. No cooking his meals. No doing errands or tasks on his behalf. No more emotional work on his behalf – only on yours. Tell him that he is free to take his time, but he will not enjoy the benefits of marriage simultaneously.
In the meantime, stress that you, too, will be taking time off and that you too, will be deciding what you want and what is best for you. Then, do exactly that. Seek counseling. Pursue self-help. Surround yourself with supportive, non-judgemental people who are only worried about your wellbeing and happiness. Do whatever you can to restore your own confidence and self-esteem so that when you do interact with your husband, you can do with confidence and swagger. He needs to know that you completely believe that if he ultimately doesn’t choose you or the marriage, then it was his loss, not yours. If he is too dull to realize what a gem he has in you, then there is really no help for him.
I know that it is tempting to try to shame him or argue with him in the hopes that he will change his mind. But this comes off as desperate and not confident. Act as if you know that you are going to be fine either way. Because it is he that is making a grave mistake. You have done nothing wrong. There is no need to act as if you have. He is the one who ultimately should be remorseful and apologetic, not you. Once he is, you can decide if it is enough at that time. But you do not have to decide that now. Simply tell him to let you know when he makes up his mind. But in the meantime, you are going to continue living your life. You can make any long-term decisions once he is able to give you all of the information. In the meantime, you can follow your own interests and invest in your own strength because this can only benefit you and, by prioritizing your own needs, you are not treading water waiting on him to make up his mind.
It took a while after the discovery of my husband’s affair for both of our feelings and intentions to be clear and to be laid on the table. Both of us postured quite a bit. We both wanted to maintain our marriage, but neither wanted to look like the only one trying. It took us a while to get past this, but once we did, we did stay together and are both happy about it. It was very, very important for me to restore my own self-esteem. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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