Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: If you are a wife whose husband has recently cheated or had an affair, then you know, without my having to explain it, that it’s vital for you to understand why he did this. As impossible as it may seem, you’d like to know his thought process. You’d like to know what, exactly, he was feeling when he decided to throw your marriage vows to the wind and cheat on you. I understand why you need to know this. I agree that this knowledge isn’t optional. But I also know that very few men are going to willingly share this information in its entirety. And some of that is because this information is not readily available to them. Some aren’t sure why they cheated. But, even so, its reasonable to expect them to attempt to figure this out. And when they don’t, it can be a real problem.

I might hear a comment like: “I will admit that it is completely out of character for my husband to cheat. He is the last man who I would have predicted would have cheated. He has always been very reliable and dedicated. And true to form, he came to me and admitted to the affair. I appreciate that he did this. It means something to me. But, I just don’t understand. We have a good marriage. And I don’t even see any real struggles in his life. He hasn’t recently gone through a mid life crisis or anything like that. Once he told me about the affair, all he would really say was that it was short, that it was over, and that he desperately loves me. Since that time, I have been able to extract a little bit of information about the other woman and about how they met, but I haven’t been able to obtain any information about why he did this. I have asked him repeatedly.  At first, he said that he didn’t know. So I told him that it was up to him to figure it out because I wasn’t even going to entertain saving our marriage unless he had a clear understanding of why he cheated and then he fixed it. I basically get no real response to this except for him to repeat that he doesn’t know why he cheated and then for him to say that he loves me and to beg me not to leave him. What am I supposed to do with this?”

First of all, I want you to know that I absolutely valid your need to understand this. You deserve these answers for many reasons. But, understanding what has motivated or driven him is absolutely vital because it helps to guide you with your healing and, once it has been worked through, you have the peace of mind that you have dealt with the main issue and can move on. When he can’t or won’t give you the information that allows you to do this, then you will always be paranoid, fearful, and suspicious. And that is really no way to move forward in your marriage.

With that said, your husband may be being quite truthful when he insists that he doesn’t know why he cheated and that he loves you. Both of these things may be one hundred percent heartfelt and true. But, without the answers, you still come up short as far as your healing goes.

Here is what I would suggest. It’s clear that this husband is desperate to set it up so that his wife doesn’t leave him. This means that he is going to be more likely to agree to whatever she needs moving forward. My first choice here would be to suggest counseling. I knew that you both might be cringing at this suggestion, but please hear me out. Your husband may truly want to know why he did this, but he doesn’t. He’s not a mental health counselor. And frankly, men are not always very in tune with their feelings. You may well want to help him, but you can’t exactly be objective here either.

A counselor is both objective and skilled. She has likely dealt with this many times before and can help to gently pull this out of him so that you can both benefit from this information. There is also a possibility that he suspects some of the reasons for his actions but he is embarrassed or bothered by those reasons. Or, he doesn’t want to burden or hurt you with them. Again, a counselor can help you to navigate this situation where you might otherwise get stuck.

I admit that counseling isn’t always for everyone. I didn’t always enjoy it. I also know that some people just will not go. In that case, there are some good self help materials that will give you check lists or open ended questions that will help you to uncover some of his motivations.

However you get to the bottom of this though, it’s important that you dig until you get the answers that you want. Don’t give up. And don’t just drop it. You deserve this answers. And when you have a husband as motivated as this one, I suspect that he will do whatever it takes to give you what you need. But sometimes, you will have to nudge him and you will have to line up the resources.

He can truly love you and want to heal.  But you need all of the pieces of the puzzle.  Otherwise, you will be frustrated and will feel that he is holding out.  This can cause questions about his motivations.  I know this firsthand, unfortunately.  But healing is possible.  Feel free to read more about how I learned this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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