Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: If you’ve taken on a spouse’s affair and have won, you really deserve congratulations because I know first hand that this is no easy thing to do. I also know that when many of us are taking this on, we’re thinking to ourselves “ok, just let me get past this next several months. Let me focus on my healing. None of this is going to be easy, but once I get past this and heal, then I’ll be able to move on. So I have to keep my eye on the prize because one day soon, this will all be a distant memory.”

But what happens when we get to that place of healing but we are still not completely free? This happens for many people and it creates deep disappointment. Because it can make you wonder if you will be living with this awful thing for the rest of your life or if you are just not capable of truly healing.

A wife might say: “I truly feel that my marriage is happy now. And a year ago, I would have had my doubts about this. There was a time when I felt pretty sure that my husband and I were going to be divorced in a year’s time. So I am very proud that we are still together today and that we have rebuilt our marriage. I can honestly say that we are happy and I am filled with gratitude about that. But things are not perfect. Far from it. It’s rare that a string of days will go by that I don’t think back to the affair. And when I do, it’s like a dark cloud lurks over my sunshine. It puts a damper on my happiness. This upsets me so much. It’s like a knife in my heart every time it happens because I had felt like I have turned a corner. Am I really not healed? Why do I keep thinking about it when, in my mind, it’s over?”

I am not a therapist, but I can tell you my theory. I believe that it’s quite easy (and common) to get into the habit of ruminating about an affair. Ruminating means that you keep churning it over and over in your mind. You keep coming back to it and you don’t know how to stop. I believe it’s also kind of normal. Because it became such a huge part of your life and it was necessary for you to check in with it every day. And, quite understandably, it became a habit that felt necessary at the time.  But, it’s not necessary anymore, right?

There comes a time when it is no longer necessary and when it is no longer serving you. It’s my experience that this rumination is a habit that can be broken like any other. It takes practice and it takes at least 30 days (as this is the time period that scientists tell us that it takes to reinforce or break any habit.) But it can be done.

The Replacing The Action Theory: Many people agree that one effective way to break a habit is to replace that habit with something else. And that something else should be a healthy or a positive replacement. For example, a lot of people who smoke take up knitting to do something with their hands in lieu of smoking. Or they learn to love sugar free gum as a replacement.

In my experience, you can learn to replace something for the ruminating thoughts. Some people try to replace the thought with an action. And others try to replace it with a thought. When I would find myself being upset by thoughts about my husband’s affair, there were a couple of things I would try. At that time, I was very aware of my appearance and, for my own peace of mind and self confidence, I was trying to improve my fitness. So I would go for a walk or do yoga when this hit – if I could.

Of course, you can not always take a time out of your life and do something else. But you can do something in your own mind. In an instant, you can try to replace that negative thought (the affair) with a positive one. Because I was doing so much yoga at the time, I found mantras incredibly helpful. Now, don’t tune out on me because you think I’m going all “new age” on you. Stay open because a mantra is nothing more than a phrase that you like to divert you from a racing mind or a repetitive thought.

Here are some of the mantras I would use:

The past belongs in the past

The past doesn’t hurt you. It is your thoughts that hurt you.

Your only reality is the here and now.

Let it go.

Right here. Right now.

Look forward to tomorrow. Do not dwell on yesterday.

Today’s blessings.  Not yesterday’s sorrows.

These are just some examples and I used various phrases at different times depending on my mood. Feel free to experiment. The key is finding the right fit for your personality and lifestyle. But please try this. Because you have done the hard work. And you should be reaping the rewards instead of feeling past pain.

And if mantras don’t work, experiment with the replacement that will.  I tried many different things before I hit my stride. But don’t think that you have to serve a life sentence of this because you do not.  Keep moving forward because, with a little effort, I’ll bet that you can leave this behind.  You can read more of my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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