Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: There are various reasons that people will stay in the relationship after one partner cheats or has an affair. Some reasons are perceived as more valid than others. Remaining in the relationship for the benefit of a couple’s children is usually perceived as one of the best, most valid reasons. But that doesn’t mean that people who are in this situation don’t question or doubt that same reason. Understandably, they can wonder if their good intentions regarding their children have them staying in an unhealthy and dying relationship.

Someone might say, “I caught my partner cheating on me four weeks ago. I admit that we have never taken the formal step to get married. But we live as a married couple. We have been together for many years. We have children together, own a home together, and invest together. Our finances, our families, and our lives are completely intertwined. It has always been understood between us that we were in a lasting, committed, monogamous relationship. So I was completely blindsided when I caught him cheating. And I wasn’t looking for it, either. Looking back, many signs were there. I did not see them because I just expected the best from him. He has never given me any reason to doubt him. That is why I’m so surprised that he doesn’t even seem that remorseful. Not only that, but it’s almost like he believes that staying with his family is second best. He just slumps around the house, clearly unhappy. The only thing that brings a smile to his face lately is our children. I honestly believe that might be the only reason that he is staying. He certainly hasn’t been affectionate to me, as if I am the one who has done something wrong. What does it say for our future if he’s only staying for the kids?”

A Surprising Response: Here is my honest answer, but I am admittedly biased. It says that you’re both giving your relationship, and your family, a fighting chance. Frankly, the main reason that I gave my husband any chance to make things right after infidelity was our children. Were it not for them, I may not have been open to that possibility, or so I believed at the time. However, my husband used this slight way in to do what was necessary to very slowly regain my gradual willingness to rebuild something real. Because of that, we are still together. 

So I don’t consider the kids as a crutch or invalid reason to not walk away. However, that doesn’t mean that the kids are enough to rebuild a healthy, trusting, fulfilling marriage. You’re still going to need to work hard to rebuild. Your husband bears some responsibility for this since he is the one who cheated. But there is nothing wrong with both spouses doing their parts because the more you put into it, the more you get out of it.

Are You Sure Your Perceptions About His Feelings And Motivations Are Correct? I’d also like to state that your assumption that your spouse is staying only for the kids may not be completely correct. I told myself that it was only my kids that had me staying, but that wasn’t 100% accurate. I’d given years to my relationship. I had invested myself. Deep down, I still loved my husband even though I could not have been more furious with him. It’s difficult to just walk away from that. So, although it may appear that your partner is just reluctantly staying for the kids, that may not be the whole story. If it helps, here are some reasons that you may see him sulking around. 

He’s Angry and Disappointed With Himself: We so often assume that our partner’s anger is directed at us, especially when he’s not communicating. But it is just as likely to be directed at him. Let’s face it. He blew it. Not only did he make an incredibly bad decision, he got caught at it, and he’s not exactly expertly cleaning up his mess. So he knows that he is in the middle of a bad situation of his own making. That isn’t a situation that makes most people happy and proud of themselves. It’s no wonder that he’s not going to be at his cheerful best.

He’s Purposely Being Abrasive In The Hopes That This Keeps The Consequences At Bay: There can be quite a bit of posturing happening after the discovery of an affair. Although faithful partners fantasize that the cheating partner will feel deep regret and immediately undergo rehabilitation and reconciliation campaigns, this isn’t the reality for many of us, particularly in the beginning. Instead, many men don’t want to deal with all of the groveling and explaining that they’re going to need to do. They know that you are waiting to pounce on them with questions and demands. So they’ll try to lower your expectations. One way that they’ll do this is to act distant or angry. The strategy is meant to place some of the power back in their court. It doesn’t always work, but that doesn’t mean that many of them won’t try it. 

He Resents Having To Clean Up This Mess, Even If He’s Aware That He Deserves It: Have you ever been speeding while driving and have told yourself that you need to slow down, but right before you can, you got a ticket anyway? And then you were frustrated afterward? You knew that you were in the wrong. You knew that your actions were putting you at risk for a ticket, and you were even beginning to slow down. You were aware that getting the ticket was not only just, but it helped keep others safe. But you were still angry when you had to deal with driving school and/or forking out the money. The aftermath of an affair can be like that. The cheater knows that he created this situation all on his own. But that doesn’t stop him from being angry and resentful when he actually has to deal with the aftermath of it. He was hoping to get off scotfree, as most of us are when we think our actions are just minor infractions about which no one needs to know because we’ll fix them. But when we have to face the consequences of our actions, we don’t always welcome those consequences – even when many of them teach us something important. 

None of this means that you are doomed to fail. It’s up to you to decide if his reason for staying is a deal-breaker. In my own case, I am very glad that my kids were a factor. It was the first step in us having one more chance. But in the end, it wasn’t the only thing that kept me there. My husband did what he needed to do to make that happen. You can read about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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