Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I often hear from spouses who are hearing various excuses as to why their spouse cheated or had an affair. Most of the time, the excuses are somewhat questionable. However, sometimes a spouse may claim a medical excuse for cheating, which can make the faithful spouse re-evaluate her stance. One example is having a mental condition like bipolar disorder.

A wife might explain, “after my husband went to see a counselor about his affair, the counselor turned around and diagnosed him with bipolar disorder. Now he is claiming that he cheated on me because he was manic. I am not so sure that I buy this as anything other than a convenient excuse and here is why. This was his first visit to a counselor’s office because he has never had any mental health issues before. Before I caught him cheating on me, nothing in his behavior was out of the ordinary. My husband has never expressed a belief that he had any mental issues. It is only now, in midlife, and after being caught cheating, that he is suddenly worried about his mental health. Having said all this, I don’t want to be the wife who doesn’t support her husband in sickness and in health. I don’t know how I can just tell him that not only do I not believe him but that I don’t support his treatment. I would look awful if I did that. So is there anything to people cheating when they are bipolar? Is it believable for someone to get this diagnosis in middle age?”

I will try to answer these questions from a layperson’s point of view, but I would suggest that you go to your husband’s next appointment and direct these questions to his doctor. It is always a great idea to educate yourself about anything a spouse (or any family member) is dealing with.

That said, I have a little bit of experience with this issue as I have a friend who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in midlife and as she approached menopause. And she, too, was unfaithful during a manic episode. I can share what I have witnessed in her situation and I can tell you why I believe she was able to fix her marriage afterward.

Midlife Bipolar Disorder: The median age for the diagnosis of bipolar disorder in one’s mid-twenties. However, it is not at all uncommon to get a diagnosis earlier or later than this. In fact, there is a subsection of people who are diagnosed after age sixty. This is called “late-onset bipolar disorder.” A 2015 study indicated that twenty-five percent of people with bipolar disorder fall into this category, either because they were previously misdiagnosed or because they did not exhibit symptoms until later in life.

In my friend’s case, she believes that the hormonal changes leading up to menopause may have been a contributing factor. She may never know if her theory is true, but she felt much better after finding a medication regimen that worked in combination with hormone replacement therapy.

Deciding How (Or Whether) The Cheating Fits Into The Diagnosis: I completely understand not wanting to excuse a partner’s cheating regardless of any medical condition. As a wife who has been cheated on, I know how important accountability truly is. That said, in my friend’s case, her husband did decide to take his wife’s diagnosis into account when deciding whether he wanted to save the marriage. Again, I can only pass along his reasoning. And I am not here to say if it was right or wrong. But his thinking went something like this: After speaking with her doctor, he came to believe that people in a state of mania do not have complete control over their actions. That’s why they participate in extreme behaviors while manic – such as obsessively shopping, staying up for days on end, or having sex with strangers. People in a manic state can also experience hypersexuality.

Another consideration was that my friend had never been unfaithful. In fact, before her symptoms emerged, she had been a loyal, committed wife and an outstanding mother. She told her husband about her actions immediately afterward and pleaded for help. She hid nothing, including her concern for her own sanity. She was also completely transparent about her symptoms and about her treatment throughout the process. She never used her bipolar disorder as justification for her actions, but she knew herself well enough to know that she would never have risked her family or her marriage if she had been functioning normally. My friend willingly took her prescribed medication and followed her prescribed protocol. She worked tirelessly to restore both her health and her marriage.

This story may have been very different if my friend had been a serial cheater, refused treatment for the bipolar disorder, and demanded that her husband not ask questions or not attempt to be involved in her treatment. In fact, the opposite was true. She wanted her husband with her every step of the way. She was an open book and wanted him to hold her accountable if she stopped taking her meds or following her protocol.

Again, as a faithful spouse, I don’t make a habit of excusing cheating behavior. I believe that most of the time, it is a choice. But I also know that a person experiencing mania will not make sound choices because they are not themselves. This is why they take medication – to stop the mania.

I am not a doctor but am merely passing along that it is possible to live well with bipolar disorder (with treatment) and it is possible to recover from infidelity. (You can read about how I recovered at http://surviving-the-affair.com)  Both will likely require effort, treatment, and two spouses who are committed to making it work. Please work with your spouse’s doctor to see that he gets the help he needs, regardless of how you want to proceed with your marriage. In fact, there is nothing wrong with waiting to make a decision about your marriage until you have educated yourself about what your husband is dealing with and supporting him through his treatment.

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