Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who feel fairly certain that their spouse’s depression played a huge role in his or her cheating. Very often, treating (or at least effectively addressing) the depression is a big part of recovery. So when the depression returns, there are real concerns that the cheating is also going to return.

I might hear a comment like: “when my husband cheated on me, many aspects of our lives seemed to be falling apart. He had to take a pay cut at his job. Our child developed an illness and we didn’t have health insurance. His mother was having to be put in an assisted living facility. In short, many things that he loved and counted on were now in question. He used to escape at the gym and that is where he met the other woman. Before I knew about her, I actually encouraged him to go the gym because I knew that it helped him reduce stress and it gave him something productive to do. We have been working very hard on our marriage since that time. I think that we have made some progress, although I don’t feel that my marriage is where I want it to be. Last week, my husband went from having to take a pay cut to being laid off. We are both extremely upset about this. Needless to say, this had lead to a recurrence of his previous depression. Now, he’s moping around the house. I don’t dare encourage him to go to the gym again, considering what happened the last time. I was recently honest with my husband and I told him that I had real concerns about his depression causing him to cheat again. He actually said that he understood that because he was worried about it also. He told me that he felt very vulnerable to all sorts of things, including cheating. How am I supposed to deal with this? I can’t help it that he lost his job. I can’t save him from any stress in his life. The bills are starting to add up from my child’s illness and it just seems that every day brings about more cause for him to be depressed and therefore more likely to cheat. What can I do?”

Why This Can Be A Damaging Cycle: This was a difficult situation on many levels. It wasn’t the husband’s fault that he lost his job and was dealing with issues with his family. Sometimes, life hands you unfortunate things that you can not control. With that said, you always have control over how you react to something. It’s normal and understandable to react with pain and fear. However, to react with something (like cheating) that is going to hurt someone else (especially the spouse that you love) is behavior that must be changed. Because quite frankly, cheating again was only going to add even more stress to this husband’s life, and as a result, probably more depression too.

Suggested Courses Of Action:  This is only my opinion.  I’m not a therapist, but I felt very strongly that dealing with and treating the depression must be a priority. I know that money was tight here, but there is often low cost or even free counseling available through social or religious organizations. Sometimes, you may have to get online or call around looking for these services, but in my experience, they are out there if you’re willing to take some time and look for them. I know first hand that depression can cause you to do things that you never meant to do and later regret. This is not a stressor that you want to add to your life, especially when this condition is treatable.

I believe that it said a lot about this husband that he was very open with his wife about his vulnerabilities. He could have denied that there was any problem and then headed right back to the gym to pick up his cheating where he left off, but he had not done that. Instead, he was honest with his wife about feeling vulnerable. He wasn’t being secretive or trying to hide anything. He was worried as much as the wife was.

Recognizing your vulnerabilities is the first step in addressing them. As I alluded to, my first course of action would be to attempt to treat the depression. My second course of action would be to diminish any temptations. Obviously, the husband shouldn’t drink, go out without his wife, head back to the gym, or any other thing that was going to make carrying out cheating possible or tempting for him.

My final course of action would be to work tirelessly on the marriage. This is very important. Because in times of stress, your spouse can and should be your biggest source of support and strength. There is a real comfort knowing that your spouse has your back and that your marriage is your safe place to fall. If you can make it so that your marriage is a shelter from the storm, then your spouse is going to be much less likely to cheat, especially if you set it up so that he isn’t in any risky situations and he wants to spend his spare time on you and your marriage, because that is the best stress reliever of all.

I do strongly believe that stress and depression contributes to infidelity.  And I strongly believe that both most be firmly addressed in order to heal completely.  If it helps, you can read more about my situation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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