Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Some people are sincerely remorseful for their infidelity and they truly want to save their marriage. But they sometimes believe that they may not succeed because of the damage that the infidelity has done to their spouse or to their marriage. One common complaint of this type is excessive insecurity on the part of the faithful spouse.

Someone might explain: “I know that the damage to my marriage and to my husband is all my fault because I had an affair. I know that I have the responsibility to make this up to him and I truly want to do that. But it seems as if I can never win. He is so insecure despite my reassurances that it has become a major issue for us. If I try to be loving toward him, he will always make a comment that insinuates that my love can’t be sincere because I cheated. If I tell him that he looks nice, he will say something sarcastic. I can’t even glance toward another man without him becoming suspicious or thinking that I am checking the other man out. I am not. I love my husband and I want to stay married to him. But his insecurity is unattractive and I hate always feeling like I am walking on eggshells. What can I do about his insecurity that never seems to end? Because I don’t think that we’re going to make it if he continues to act this way.”

Believe it or not, even though I am a wife who was cheated on, I do understand what this woman was saying. I have witnessed this situation in its extremes and I fully admit that it can become a real problem. But believe me when I say that the faithful spouse does not enjoy feeling so much doubt and worry that they become insecure. They likely hate feeling the way that they do. And they need your help to turn the corner. I will offer some tips on how to do this below.

Understand That How You Respond Can Either Help Or Hurt The Situation:

I do understand that this situation can be frustrating. But it is so important to understand that the way you handle this can either help to alleviate or to reinforce their insecurity. If you get angry with them or belittle their concerns, then once again they are probably thinking that you are slipping away from them and, as a result, they feel even more insecure. The best way to handle this is to stop what you are doing, hold their hand, look them straight in the eye, and tell them that you are sincere in everything that you say and that over time, your actions are going to prove that to them.

Understand That They Have The Right To Have Doubts, But Your Consistent Actions Over Time Matter:

It’s very important that it’s apparent that you accept some responsibility for their insecurity. They wouldn’t be acting this way if you had never been unfaithful. So it’s important that this comes through in both your words and your actions.

With that said, regaining their trust is going to take time. And that is what it comes down to – trust. They are insecure because they trusted you once and it was a mistake to do so. So their insecurity is a way to keep their guard up so that they will not be hurt again. But believe me when I say that they want for you to chisel away at these protective walls. They want to feel secure again. But until the trust is restored, they just don’t feel comfortable doing so.  They worry that trusting you again will mean more pain for them.  So they are watching you very closely.  You often see this as suspicion but part of it is that they are actually hoping to see something positive that indicates that they can let their guard down just a little bit.

Make You They Are Justified In Trusting You Again:

It is your job to make sure that it is safe for them to let down their guard.  You can’t ask them to stop being insecure when you are giving them legitimate reasons to do so.  Make sure that you mean every word you say and that you follow through on every claim that you make.  Because even tiny little untruths only reinforce their insecurity.

Over time, if they see that you have made good on every promise and that your actions are in alignment with your words, then you should start to see the insecurity wane.  It is very normal for the faithful spouse to struggle with their self-esteem.  It’s very important that you support them in every aspect when it comes to their rebuilding their self-worth.  Because when they do, your life will become much easier and your marriage will likely improve also.

Always remember that your spouse didn’t choose any of this and they are likely doing the best that they can.  Approach them in a way that shows them that you want to reassure and help them, not argue with them or tell them why they are wrong.

I can’t stress how important your actions are right now.  When my husband got frustrated with my insecurity, this only made it worse.  But when he showed patience and just kept repeating the same claims that repeatedly turned out to be true, I eventually learned that I could trust him again and my insecurity began to wane.  What helped me, even more, was rebuilding my self-esteem.  It wasn’t until I was confident again that I felt comfortable trusting.  If you helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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