My Spouse Is Still Bringing Up My Affair Ten Years Later
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who feel as if they will never be truly free from an affair that is in the past. Often, they have tried everything that they know to do to make sure that their spouse can heal and move on. But it doesn’t happen, even many years later.
I heard from a wife who said: “The affair that I had when we were first married was all my fault. I was and still am extremely remorseful for this and I have apologized repeatedly. I have begged my husband to go to counseling so that we can heal properly but he has always refused. Like many men, the idea of counseling is just not a pleasurable one for him. I understand why he doesn’t want to go, but I think it would have helped us because my husband has really never gotten over the affair even though it was ten years ago. Whenever we get into an argument, he will still throw the infidelity in my face. If he makes a mistake and I bring it up, he will say something like: ‘at least I’m not a cheater. I may make mistakes, but I’ve never made that one. I have always been faithful to you. Can you say the same?’ I really can’t argue with him when he makes hurtful statements like this. Because in a sense, he is right. But shouldn’t we have moved on after ten years? I love my husband. I want to help him get over this. But at the same time, having to constantly relive the affair after so many years just feels so wrong to me. Am I out of line?”
I have to admit that as a spouse who was cheated on, I often see things from the side of the faithful spouse. And I often defend a slow recovery because I believe that everyone heals at their own pace and that the faithful spouse should never feel rushed or judged. However, with that said, ten years is a very long time.
Remaining Stuck For Years After An Affair Is Hurtful For Both Spouses: A decade is a lot of time to continue to be in pain and to remain in turmoil. The fact that this husband was still bringing this up ten years after the fact was troubling for both spouses on many levels.
The fact that the wife was still trying to help her husband heal and still allowing the hurtful comments because she felt she deserved them showed her commitment to her husband and to her marriage. Frankly, it may have been easier for her to just give up or declare her husband or her marriage a lost cause, to say she did her best, and then to leave. But she didn’t do that, even though staying was sometimes very difficult for her. She stayed even when she knew the comments were still going to come on a regular basis because she loved her husband. But, continuing to relive this every time conflict surfaced wasn’t fair to either of them. It kept both of them stuck. And it meant that their marriage wasn’t as strong as it could or should be.
At the same time, I suspected that the faithful spouse didn’t particularly enjoy keeping the pain alive. I will admit that in the early days after the affair, I used to make nasty and hurtful comments to my husband. But now that we have healed, I certainly no longer do this and I can’t imagine still engaging or bringing up the affair ten years after the fact.
Find Out If There Are Outstanding Issues That Can Still Be Healed: I believe that there a couple of ways that you can look at this. You can ask yourself if it’s possible that you (or your spouse) didn’t completely heal after the affair. I am not going to tell you that counseling is absolutely necessary in order to heal, because I do not believe that it is in every case. (But I do believe that a lot of work needs to be done regardless of whether the work is done in counseling or at home.) And if it isn’t, then you often find yourself dealing with the same old issues over and over again. And even ten years after the fact is possible.
The other possibility is that the faithful spouse has some reason that they don’t want to move on. Perhaps they are still angry and they like having something to hold over the cheating spouse’s head. Perhaps they want the cheating spouse to know that the betrayal will never be forgotten. If this is the case, it can help to make it clear that living this way isn’t benefitting either of you.
A suggested script might be something like: “I know that the affair was all my fault and I still feel remorse. However, that was ten years ago. It’s not healthy for either of us to continue to live in the past. If there is still something that is bothering you or if you need something from me in order to heal, let’s discuss what it is so that we can fix it. Because neither of us deserves to relieve this pain. I am still here ten years later. I wouldn’t still be here if I didn’t want to be or if I didn’t love you or wasn’t committed to our marriage. Please let me know what more you need from me so that we can move on for good. Living in the shadow of the past is holding our marriage back from being as good as it can be. I want for us to be happy. Help me achieve that.”
After this conversation, hopefully, it will become more clear as to where your spouse stands and what your spouse still needs. I don’t want to judge anyone’s healing process, but even I think that ten years is far too long to keep holding onto this. It’s not healthy for either spouse and it keeps your marriage from ever really recovering.
I admit that I do understand holding onto the affair in the short term. This happens when healing isn’t complete and it’s completely normal. But years is an excessive amount of time in my opinion. And it makes sense to place your focus on complete healing so that you can move on for good. If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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