Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who have theoretically been forgiven for their cheating or having an affair, but who don’t feel as if their spouse is truly sincere about any forgiveness that’s been offered.

I heard from a wife who said: “last year I had an affair with one of our mutual friends.  I am not completely sure what possessed me to do this.  I love my husband more than anything.  But he was going through a huge productivity cycle at his job and he was never home.  I suppose I was lonely.  And I felt ignored and unappreciated.  Sometimes, my husband’s friend would come over to spend time with him and, when my husband was too busy for either of us, we ended up spending time together.  I think we both felt a little rejected by my husband.  This doesn’t in any way make our affair right though.  I confessed everything to my husband and I have gone above and beyond to make this up to him.  For the past year, I have done everything in my power to make him feel secure, valued, and loved.  About six months after the affair, we were having a romantic dinner and he actually told me that he forgave me.  I asked him repeatedly if he was sure about this and he insisted that he was.  Well, I was very relieved and appreciative.  But frankly, it’s obvious that he doesn’t really forgive me.  He’s so hot and cold around me.  I know that he holds back.  He’s often sarcastic and he watches me like a hawk when I’m around other men even when he is right there.  Sometimes he says or does mean things that I know are just meant to hurt me because of the affair.  I know that he doesn’t trust me. But I’m not sure what I can do.  He’s said that he’s forgiven me so what’s the point of me continuing to ask for forgiveness?  But in my heart, I know that I’m anything but forgiven.  What can I do?  I want to feel adored by him again.  I don’t want to see the hurt in his eyes.  I want to feel spontaneous with my husband rather than walking on egg shells all of the time.”

The topic of this email isn’t uncommon.  This happens to many couples who are trying to recover from infidelity.  It’s not impossible to move past this.  I’ll discuss this more below.

Often, Your Spouse Isn’t Lying When They Say That They Forgive You:  Many people wonder why their spouse would offer up insincere forgiveness. I have been on the other side of this situation (as the faithful spouse) and I can tell you that much of the time, we are being quite sincere when we concede forgiveness.  We do this because we really do want to move on and we want to let the anger and resentment go.  We just want to feel normal again.  And often, we say these words when we’re having a particularly good day with our spouse.

But here’s the thing.  When we’re recovering from the affair, our feelings and our emotions can fluctuate wildly.  One day, we might begin to feel some hope and some potential.  But perhaps the next day, the sadness and the doubts will get the better of us and this is when we feel our frustration creeping back up again.  It’s not uncommon for us to take these feelings out on our spouses.

You can see how this cycle could play out.  One day the faithful spouse is somewhat receptive to affection and the next day they push their spouse away and are angry again.  The cheating spouse is left wondering “what did I do wrong?” Or “my spouse is never going to forgive me no matter what I say or do.  It’s hopeless.”

The truth is, you may not have done anything wrong.  And it’s not hopeless.  But your spouse is struggling with insecurity.  It hurts so badly to know that your spouse betrayed you by being intimate with someone else.  It takes you a long while to get your footing back, no matter how much you love your spouse and no matter how much you truly intend and want to forgive them.

Your Spouse Has Shown A Willingness To Open Their Heart. Use That As A Starting Point:  I know that it hurts you to feel as if you will never be able to have the same marriage again.  I know that it is frustrating.  But you have to understand that your spouse is likely trying very hard and it just takes time to really believe that it is safe to trust again.  Believe me, they likely really want to believe in you.  They want to feel spontaneous and playful just as much as you do.  But they are just unsure and they are going to need continued reassurance until healing is complete.

So where does that leave you?  In my opinion, your best bet is to build on the positive indications that you have already seen.  Your spouse has shown a willingness to forgive.  Sure, they may not be completely to the point where they can do that.  But, they are trying.  They haven’t told you that they will never forgive you.  They honestly want to.  They just need more time to see that you really are the faithful, loving and trustworthy spouse that you are claiming to be.  Understand that it is their hurt that is contributing to their reluctance.  Once they’ve healed, there won’t be nearly as much hurt which means there won’t be nearly as much reluctance to truly forgive.

I can honestly say that years after my husband’s affair, I feel that I have truly forgiven him.  Have I forgotten the incident or the pain? Of course not.  That was be impossible.  But, I can say that because my healing is complete, so is my forgiveness.  And I did this as much for myself as for my husband.  If it helps, you can read about my forgiveness process my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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