Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who want to know if their marriage stands a chance after they cheated or had an affair. They are often dealing with a very angry spouse who is feeling many negative emotions toward them. So, things can feel a little hopeless, especially in the beginning.

I recently heard from a wife who said in part:  “I had an affair a couple of months ago.  I didn’t last for long and I never even entertained the thought of leaving my husband.  In fact, I still love my husband and desperately want to save my marriage.  But my husband openly admits he hates me for having an affair.  He says he is willing to try to save our marriage.  But his tone of voice doesn’t give me a lot of hope.  He looks at me with loathing in his eyes.  I understand why he feels the way that he does and I don’t blame him at all.  But, does my marriage even stand a chance when he feels such hatred toward me now?  Will he ever change his mind? Or should I save us both a lot of heartache and walk away now?”

These are difficult questions because the answers vary depending upon the couple and the circumstances involved.  However, you often won’t know if your marriage stands a chance until you hang in there and see for yourself.  If you give up and walk away, you might never truly know what might have happened had you saw it through.  With that said, there are things that you can do to give your marriage a better chance of surviving, which I will discuss more below.

Understand That Your Spouse Having Strong Emotions Can Actually Be A Positive Sign: I know that this may not make sense to you right now, but your spouse claiming to hate you or even showing extreme anger toward you isn’t always the worst thing that you could experience.  Because your spouse’s strong feelings can be indicative of how much they care.  If they didn’t have real or strong feelings for you, their reaction may not be as dramatic or strong as it is right now.  To me, it is always more discouraging to see a spouse just quietly walk away without much fanfare or anger.  This reaction is more indicative that the marriage has less of a chance to survive.  Because the betrayed spouse isn’t experiencing strong emotions, they are more likely to be completely done with very few regrets about the same.

What You Might Be Seeing Is Hatred For Your Actions Rather Than Real Hatred For You: I have to be honest and admit that I told my husband that I hated him on countless occasions after he cheated on me.  And I meant every word that I said at the time.  It took me a while to realize that I hated what he did instead of hating him as a person.  I don’t believe it’s all that common to go from feeling love to feeling hate in the blink of an eye.  Yes, you can absolutely loathe the fact that your spouse betrayed you and had an affair.  You can loathe their judgment and lack of impulse control.  But you sometimes realize that you don’t really hate them as a person.

Once I calmed down, I couldn’t deny the fact that my husband had always been a solid person who was always there for me.  I couldn’t forget how he supported me, loved me, and protected me for many years of our married life.  It’s very easy to forget all of the good when you are faced with such a horrific demonstration of the bad.  But eventually, most people begin to remember the good and gain a bit of perspective.

In Order To Move Past The Negative Feelings More Quickly, You Must Show Some Positive Rehabilitation To Your Spouse: I understand that it likely feels awful to hear your spouse say that although they’ll try to save your marriage, they have their doubts because of their own feelings of hatred.  It’s normal to want to change their mind right away.  But, you need to understand that they are likely going to want to see several things from you before they can even begin to change their mind or let go of some of their hatred.

First of all, they must truly believe that you are sorry for cheating.  They must believe that you understand exactly why and how you are wrong and take full responsibility for what was ultimately their own decision.  They have to believe that you are so remorseful that you wouldn’t dare risk your marriage like this even again.  If you are not yet feeling these things, then you’re probably better off  stepping back until you do.  It’s not fair to ask your spouse to back off of their feelings when you aren’t sure of your own.

In short, if you want to be forgiven, then you have to act in a way that makes you forgivable.  This means placing the blame exactly where it belongs – with you.  It also means that you take responsibility for coming up with and taking the lead on the path that is going to lead you out of here.  You should not just sit around and wait for your spouse to make every move or to lead the way.  That is really up to you. Yes, they may chose to follow you if they believe in your sincerity.  But taking the first step is really not up to them.  It is up to you.

There isn’t any quick or overnight answer or remedy.  Restoring the trust and commitment takes time.  They are likely reeling from the pain, confusion, uncertainty that they are experiencing.  You can’t expect them to just immediately quiet their doubts and fears for your own sake.  It’s perfectly natural for them to feel some reluctance and to give in to the urge to hurt you as much as you have hurt them.

This phase often doesn’t last forever, but it helps if you understand it and then validate them by telling them that you not only understand them, but you don’t blame them either.  And that, because of this, you’re willing to have the patience to allow them the space and time to grieve before you work together to recover.

When my husband cheated on me, I never thought that the hatred I felt would ever go away.  But it eventually did.  And I now realize that I hated his actions rather than him.  Our marriage eventually recovered and we’re quite happy today.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

 

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