Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  Your spouse’s stance and feelings can be very confusing after you’ve discovered that he’s been having an affair.  His words and his actions may say two very different things.  For example, a husband may claim that he’s going to break off the affair and that he wants to save his marriage, but at the same time, he may be distant and cold with his wife.  He may go so far as to suggest that the two of them take a break or pause – which of course reinforces the wife’s issues with trust.

She might say: “my head is honestly spinning.  It was only last week that I found out that my husband has been cheating on me.  He is sort of saying the right things.  He has said that he regrets the affair and is very sorry for it.  He has claimed that he wants to save the marriage.  But no sooner are those things out of his mouth than he will start talking about how he has been depressed lately and really struggling with himself.  He claims that this soul searching lead to the affair somewhat and that he’s still struggling.  So he says that because of this, he wants to take a break from ‘everything’ for a while.  And ‘everything’ includes living with me.  He says that he will stay with a coworker who is a good friend of mine and he swears that the affair is over and that he will not interact with her.  He says that he just needs this time for himself because if he had taken the time before, perhaps the affair never would have happened. I don’t like this at all.  I feel like he’s doing this because either he isn’t sure about our marriage after all or he still plans to cheat and he wants to make it easier by living apart.  However, when I object to this, he almost presents it to me as if I have no choice.  He makes it sound like it’s a desperate situation for him and that he must do something.  I think it’s a mistake.  I think that if we have any chance at all, we don’t want me sitting here assuming that he is continuing to cheat.  Am I right?  Is he just asking for too much?”

I believe that he likely is asking for too much.  It would be completely natural for you to assume the worst once he’s away. And it would be normal for you to question how he could claim to want the marriage, but then leave it almost immediately.  At the same time, his claim isn’t unique.  Many men DO struggle with themselves just before or after an affair.  He could very well be telling the truth about that.

However, struggles do not mean that leaving your home at a time when your marriage is very fragile is going to be the best thing to do.  In fact, this may just make his struggles worse because he’s adding additional problems onto what he is already dealing with.  I would strongly suggest that you try very hard to get him into counseling.  You don’t necessarily have to make this sound as if the counseling is just for him.  Tell him that it’s joint marriage counseling meant for both of you.  Or tell him that it’s for you but that you want him to come along for support.

The reason for this is that he’s been trying to handle his struggles on his own – and look where that has gotten him.  If he truly wants to get a handle on his struggles, “space” is not going to help nearly as much as time with a professional.  He can then present his plan for “space” to the counselor and get his or her take on it.  If the counselor thinks that this is a good idea (which I would doubt,) then he or she can walk him through an option to do it in a healthy way that doesn’t harm your marriage.  I’d suspect however, that the counselor would instead suggest that you allow him some alone time perhaps through individual counseling or time with mutual friends so that he doesn’t need to take the drastic step of moving out if you both want to save your marriage.

The potential for trouble is just too great.  You will understandably worry and question him.  Plus it’s doubtful if just being on his own is going to offer him any huge insights.  He’s already tried handling this on his own and destructive behavior was the result.  I would ask him to go with you to counseling to get an unbiased opinion about his plans.  He’s more likely to listen to someone who isn’t you because he knows that you have your own agenda and your own feelings about this.

If he resists counseling, you can always try to find self help that addresses this issue.  While his claims of struggling and his desire for time to work on himself are not unique after an affair, they can be problematic if he isolates himself.  In truth, it’s best for both people to work on themselves, but that is generally done without anyone needing to separate or move out of the home.  You could understandably read this “space” in the wrong way and then worry about things that are avoidable and unnecessary.  I agree with you that it isn’t a good idea, although I’m biased as I was also the faithful wife.

If my husband had insisted on space, I probably would have made the same assumptions that you are.  There were times when we definitely took breaks from one another, but there was never any thought of living apart for any extended length of time.  It would have intensified the distrust and the fear. That’s not to say that living together was not without its challenges.  There are countless challenges when you are trying to recover after an affair, but you can only tackle them one by one and just keep moving forward.  Eventually, one day you look around and are relieved to find that most of it is behind you.  You can read more about our step by step process on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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