Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It can be frustrating when you fight so hard to move past infidelity, only to have a few select people insist on continuing to live in the past. It is even worse when these people aren’t the spouses involved in the infidelity, but are their extended families instead.

Someone might say, “Despite all odds, my husband and I made it after I made the worst mistake of my entire life. I cheated on him, and I regret it more than I’ve ever regretted anything. I won’t go into the details because, for the most part, we have moved past this. Things are actually going pretty well for us. I feel like my spouse has mostly gotten over it. The problem is our families. They all know about the affair, and everyone is still furious at me. And they still bring it up, which causes problems. The worst offenders are my husband’s mother and sister. They have every right to be angry at me. I can understand why they are outraged on my husband’s behalf. But nearly every time my husband speaks with either one of them, they find a way to bring up our marriage. Even when my husband assures them that we are doing okay, they will ask him how he can forgive me when I’ve done such a horrible thing. They’ll then say that it’s so awkward and hard for them to be around me, as though my affair has made everyone’s life more difficult, and I should be cut out of their family. If my husband tries to defend me, they become somewhat angry and short with him. It is affecting his relationship with them, and then he takes his frustrations out on me. Because, of course, I am the source of all of these problems. Unfortunately, it is not just his family that is problematic. My own mother will sometimes wonder aloud what is wrong with me that I would hurt a good man like my husband. It is as if everyone in our families believes that I am a horrible person and that my husband deserves better. Believe me, I’ve had all of these thoughts myself. No one is angrier at me than me. But somehow, I’ve got to put this behind me. I worked so hard to make this right for myself and for my husband. But our families refuse to let us forget this. They bring it up every chance they get. I worry that this is going to hurt our marriage as much as the affair. What can I do?”

Demonstrate Sincerity And Trust Over And Over Again: As hard as it may be to hear, you have to show them, over time, that you aren’t going anywhere and that it is safe to trust you and believe in you once again. It is very much the exact same path that you have been following with your husband – you repeatedly show your remorse and regret, you focus on rehabilitation and rebuilding the trust, and you put safeguards in place so that your marriage never has to endure this again.

So you show up at family gatherings. You continue to make your husband feel contented and secure so that the family can’t deny that he is happy in the marriage. You continue to show them someone who is serious about her marriage and her family. And you wait and hang in there.

Eventually, they will have to concede that no matter what they think, the marriage has endured and your husband is perfectly happy within it. Isn’t that what everyone wants for their family member?

Right now, they are acting somewhat out of shock, fear, and doubt. With the passage of time, these things will wane. And so will their reactions.

Present A United Front: It is extremely important that you do not allow extended family to divide and conquer. When you or your husband show doubt or agrees with them in any way, they are going to pounce that much more. Make sure that you and your husband agree that no matter what is going on inside your home, no one but you gets a say in what happens in that same home.

Your marriage is your business and no one else’s. Sure, extended family love and want the best for you. But that doesn’t give them a stake in your marriage. Make sure that your actions and attitude communicates this loud and clear. You can still love and include your family, while everyone knows that every family member’s marriage is the business of the two people within it and no one else.

Use Phrases That Set Boundaries: Learn to use phrases that make your boundaries clear. The next time they come at you with their unsolicited comments and advice, try something like, “I appreciate that you are still worried about us. I know how much you care, but we have dealt with our marriage and are continuing to do so. I promise that you don’t need to be concerned.  And while we always welcome your feedback when it comes to our extended family, our marriage involves only the two of us, and we two are the only people who should be intimately involved in it. I’d love to talk to you about anything else. Let’s change the topic to something positive.”

You may have to re-direct in this way a couple of times before they get the message, but they will only continue on if they have a captive and willing audience. Shut them down in a loving and patient way, but shut them down just the same.

See The Opportunity: As frustrating as this must be, it can also be an opportunity to band closer together with your husband to keep the unwelcome distractions away. It also allows you to gather yourselves together and protect what is most important – your healing marriage and the two people within it. Learning to keep out the things that will weaken your bond and your committed marriage is a very important skill to learn moving forward. Doing so can actually strengthen your marriage, which means that your family’s intrusion can actually benefit you in the long run.

There are many unpleasant realities you have to learn to deal with after an affair.  But I believe that every one of them can be overcome.  If it helps, you can read about my own recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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