Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  One of the most common problems that crops up after a spouse has been caught cheating is that of sex.  There are many issues that surround this.  Often, both people have a hard time resuming their sex life.  The faithful spouse may be so turned off by the thought of it and the cheating spouse may feel guilty.  Or, one spouse may want to have sex as a way to reaffirm their bond and commitment while the other spouse is not anywhere near ready to do this.  Another conflict is one spouse wanting to have sex much more frequently than the other.

A wife might explain: “after I caught my husband cheating, I frankly would have been happy never to have sex with him again.  Now that I have calmed down a little, I concede that I’m going to have sex with him again, but I am certainly not in any hurry to be doing it all of the time. But my husband is.  I don’t know if having sex much more often because of his cheating increased his sexual appetite or if he just wants me more as a way of making himself believe I’m not going to leave him.  Either way, I’m just not interested.  We’ve had sex a couple of times and it has not been that great. I always feel very confused during it.  I want to enjoy it, but it’s nearly impossible because of course I think about the affair.  And I also don’t want for my husband to think that just because I’m having sex with him that everything is OK between us. It most certainly is not.  I can’t even give my husband a hug without worrying that he’s going to take it the wrong way and try to make the moves on me. The more he wants to have sex with me, the more I don’t want to have it with him. But I worry that if I refuse him, he will go and get it from somewhere else.  I do not know if there is a compromise here, but I feel that I have the right to say no if I just don’t want it right now.”

I agree that you absolutely have the right.  This issue is very common.  Admittedly, I am biased.  Because I was in the same situation.  But I believe that the faithful spouse has every right to set the sexual pace.  If you rush sex, then I don’t think it’s a great thing for anyone.  You aren’t being true to yourself and you are pretending to feel something that you don’t. Plus, you will likely be sending mixed signals to your spouse and this can be very confusing to both of you.  He may not want more sex with you as form of manipulation or control.  He may want to use sex as reassurance that you still love and want him.  Or he may see it as reassurance that everything is eventually going to be OK.  Many people who have cheated on their spouse see sex as way to feel accepted by their spouse again.  So, for him the sex may mean a lot more than the physical act of sex.  In that way, you have something in common.  But if you are not ready, then that is your right.  You may want to try to explain this so that he doesn’t take it in the wrong way.

This is just a suggestion.  Use your own words and express your own feelings: “I’m glad that you still want me sexually, but I am just not ready to rush into our regular sex life.  I think we have a lot of healing to do first.  To me, sex is more than just the physical act and I can’t freely give it right now. I am not saying that I never want to have sex with you.  I do.  But I need to be able to set a slower pace. I am not doing this to punish you. I am doing this to be true to myself and because I want our sex life to be meaningful. I believe it can get back to that place with work, but we have a lot to do in order to get there.  And I promise that you won’t have to guess.  I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”

It goes with out saying that most men are not going to be completely excited about getting less sex.  But, he should realize that his affair is the reason for this.  If he had not had the affair, then reevaluating your sex life would not be necessary.  And frankly, it is much better to go at a slower pace that is comfortable for you than to force yourself and then have a bad experience.

Sex after an affair is very fragile and when you have bad sex, it can make both you and your spouse wonder if that means your marriage is doomed.  In my opinion, it is better to wait until you can have sincere and good sex than to move too quickly.  At least that was my experience.  I waited until I was pretty desperate to start having sex with my husband again because I didn’t want it to be forced or insincere.  You can read more about this gradual process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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