My Spouse Wants To Have A Baby After He Cheated
By: Katie Lersch: A lot of spouses who have been caught cheating are extremely interested in “starting over” or “wiping the slate clean” when it comes to their marriage. And you can see why this would appeal to them. The sooner they are able to place the focus on the new and improved marriage, the sooner that the focus can be off of them and the affair.
That’s not to say that starting over doesn’t also sometimes appeal to the faithful spouse. No one wants to dwell on something so painful. So it can very tempting to take your spouse up on the whole “starting over” offer, especially if he’s offering something that you wanted all along.
A wife might say: “for the last five years, I have begged my husband to consider having another child. He always told me that we could not afford it quite yet. He knows how badly I wanted this, but I tried to be patient. And he repaid me for my patience by cheating with this hideous woman from his work. I found out because I am close with another co worker and she couldn’t bear to see me lied to this way. So she told me and when I confronted my husband, he panicked and told me that he would call her right then and break it off, which he did. He never wavered when he claimed that he did not want to end our marriage or give up our family. I do believe this because he is wonderful father who adores his kids. What I have doubts about is how much he really loves me. If he loved me like he should, he would not have cheated. I know that we have just started this process, but I feel like trust is going to be a major issue for me. I feel like we’re going to have a difficult road. He told me that he would go to counseling or do whatever I need him to do. I have not started looking at counselors yet. I am overwhelmed. Last night, he grabbed my hand, gazed into my eyes and he said: ‘I know that I have hurt you. And I know that it seems like things are terrible right now, but we really can get through this. We really can reinvent our marriage. I think that we should start over and have a baby.’ I was stunned by this and a little heart broken. I have all but begged him to have a baby and nothing could change his mind. And now suddenly he gets busted having an affair and he wants to be a father again. I think that the timing of this is just a little too convenient. I am so tempted to say OK because I want another baby so badly, but in my heart, I know it’s not the best idea.”
Well, it may not always be a bad idea – if you are thinking well into the future. But it probably isn’t the best idea for right this minute. Marriages do recover from affairs. And couples do go on and expand their families quite successfully. But usually, a lot of healing and rebuilding has to happen first. And this just takes time and work. There are no short cuts, unfortunately. And it’s my observation that couples who take the short cuts end up with trust and resentment issues. It takes time to restore that trust and to feel confident in your marriage again.
That’s why it’s probably not the best idea to rush into anything – including adding to your family. That’s not to say that you can never do this or that you have to put it off forever. But you can revisit it once you feel your marriage is back on solid ground again.
And there is nothing wrong with explaining this to your husband. You might try something like this: “you know that I want to have another baby with you. And I’d love to do that in the future. But I don’t think that the timing is right. We have a lot of healing to do and I would like for our focus to be on only that. If we have a baby, we might rush or hurry the healing process and that isn’t in the best interest of our family. I want to make sure that any new baby is born into the healthiest and the happiest family possible. This gives us a concrete goal and that is a good thing. Why don’t we revisit this issue in a couple of months and see how we feel about it then? For now, I just think that it is too soon and that things are too raw. I need to wait and see how I am going to feel in the future. But I would be open to this eventually – assuming that we make enough progress.
You said that your husband is willing to do what needs to be done – and that should include being patient. I suspect that he will understand. He may have been honestly trying to make you happy, but he has to realize that the timing just isn’t right.
I know that this must be hard. You could have what you’ve been wanting at the cost of turning a blind eye to the affair. But, I think if you just buy some time and tell him you want to revisit it eventually, you might still be able to get what you want and at the right time also. If I had rushed things after my husband’s affair, I know I would have continued to have trust issues. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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