Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have serious doubts that their marriage stands a chance after their husband had an affair. Sometimes, the husband disagrees and thinks that the marriage can be saved. And he’s willing to do just about anything to prove to the wife that he’s right, including going to counseling. But the wife can have concerns as to whether or not this is all going to be a waste of time and money, especially when there is more than one instances of infidelity involved.

So, I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband recently admitted to an affair. He said that he is going to change his life dramatically and part of that is being honest and putting an immediate stop to any risky and destructive behavior. As we were talking about this behavior and he was telling me what he meant, it then slipped out that this was actually his second affair and not his first. I don’t know why, but this seems to make things so much worse for me. And I think the reason for that is that I’m worried that this is a character defect in my husband instead of it being a one time mistake. It makes me think that he is more likely to cheat again. He is begging me to not just make this assumption. He is asking me to commit to going to counseling with him for a few months before I make a decision about our marriage. My first inclination is to think that this is a waste of my time. I am not sure I want to invest any more time in a man who has already betrayed me once. Would it be worth it to try counseling?”

I can only give you my opinion as it relates to me. I can’t project how counseling might work for any one else. But, once I found a counselor that I liked (which wasn’t automatic) I did find it to be helpful. (I also found it very helpful to do my own research and to talk to other people who have successfully gone through this.) There was a combination of things that helped, to be honest. And what works for one person may not work for another. But I think that it is definitely worth it to seek out the combination that may work for you. I believe that one of the worst things that you can do is to isolate yourself and do nothing but remain stuck and angry. In my experience, you need an outlet and you need to hear from people who can reassure you that you can get through this. A counselor can fit that bill.

Some Other Benefits From Counseling: I don’t want to make it sound as if I think that counseling is the only thing that will help you. I don’t necessarily feel that way. I believe that anything that helps you is worthwhile to pursue. But I do believe that even if the counseling wasn’t necessarily the thing that saved our marriage, it did help me to identify patterns and things about myself that I might not have been able to notice or identify for myself. It made me a bit more comfortable talking honestly and openly about my feelings, my needs, and my wishes. And it also helped us identify habits in our marriage that might put us at risk again.  Also, it helps us to learn how to communicate much more effectively.

Plus, I think that in this case, there were probably personal issues that kept cropping up for the husband, which could why he had cheated more than once. More than that, he might have been vulnerable to cheating once again until he identified these problems and overcame them. This can be hard to do without any outside help.

Finally, I think that counseling can help you even if you can’t ultimately save your marriage. I believe that even if the marriage fails, the counselor can help you to navigate the process so that it is less awkward and painful. They can generally prompt both people to speak up and say what is on their mind rather than just continuing to be angry and silent. I don’t want to insinuate that the only path to these insights is counseling, but it is one way.

You probably can tell that my opinion is that anything that can get you to open up and begin to heal is worth pursuing. I know that it’s tempting to just throw up your hands and walk away. But if you do that, you miss the chance to at least transition in a healthier way. And frankly, a man who is willing to go to counseling is a good sign and it’s relatively rare.  Many wives contact me and ask how to convince their husband to go to counseling.  This husband is more than willing to go.  This is only my opinion, but I think it might be worth it consider taking him up on this offer, if only for a set amount of time before you make a more permanent decision.

I don’t want to imply that counseling is the only way, but it is an effective way. I did find some self help resources that helped me a great deal also.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands are still actively having an affair. And they are trying to determine what type of situation they might be facing. For whatever reason, the husband is reluctant to break off the affair or to let the woman go. So, the wife wants to know for how long this might go on.

A common comment in this situation is something like: “I recently found out that my husband is having an affair with a woman who he was engaged to in high school. This was a relationship that was over decades ago, but apparently they have decided to pick up where they left off. One of my friends happens to be friend of the other woman. My friend found out about the affair and told me. When I confronted my husband, he told me that he had never lost feelings for this woman and that he still has those same feelings. He didn’t offer to end it then and he is still not offering to end it. She lives in another state. They mostly communicate by phone and text, although they have spent a handful of weekends together when my husband told me he was traveling for work. Our mutual friend says that if I just give it time, the affair will fizzle out because they just can’t be together and in the same state enough to build a true relationship. I wish that I could believe this, but I’m not sure that I do. My husband has said that he won’t abandon me and that he’s not going to make any decisions immediately. But I can’t help but worry that he will move to be with her or vice versa. And I get so depressed wondering how long this is going to last. For how long do most affairs last?”

I actually tried to research this topic and most of what I found indicated a range of two to four years, as an average. These statistics came from authors who had written books about affairs. I’m sure that these authors did their research and I don’t really feel qualified to disagree with them. I’m not a therapist or expert by any means. But I do have to say that the couples or folks who comment on my blog mention affairs that are generally shorter than this. Sure, I’ll occasionally hear about a long term affair. But most of the time, in these instances, every one knows about every one else and sort of accepts it. This scenario sort of becomes a situation where the wife knows about the mistress and begrudgingly accepts it so it just goes on and on. The wife in above scenario did not want this type of arrangement. So I would suspect that this won’t be the case here. But of course, I can’t say for sure.

Things That Can Influence The Longevity Of An Affair: Sometimes, the length of the affair depends on the type of help that the couple is able to obtain. A very good counselor can often be very persuasive in getting the cheating spouse to see the damage of these actions, but will also make it seem that the spouse himself chose to end it.

Another consideration is the motivation of the other woman. It’s not yet clear if she wants a long term relationship. Because it’s not only the husband who can end the affair. The other woman could decide that the relationship isn’t working for her or that it’s not right and end it at any time also.

Even if you know every variable, and even if you think that you’re clear on the motivations of both the husband and the other woman, it’s very hard to predict the future. There are so many unknowns when you are talking about human behavior and emotions. There are also circumstances that could happen to end the relationship that no one saw coming. One or both of the people could have to relocate.  The attraction could fizzle out. Or one of them can decide that it’s just too much work.

Some wives will give their husband’s an ultimatum and will tell him that if he doesn’t break it off at once, he faces a separation or divorce. This isn’t always the best call because I often see men either refuse to break it off or claim that they have broken it off and then continue the relationship behind every one’s back. Or, he could end it but then mope around because he misses her or he feels that he wasn’t allowed to make his own decision.

And although I don’t necessarily agree with the 2 – 4 year statistic, I do concede that some affairs last for awhile. With that said, an affair has a lot going against it. This is a relationship born in secrecy and shame. It can’t be healthy by it’s very nature. Yes, some people will be stubborn and will try very hard to make it work. But statistically, affairs don’t stand a very good chance of succeeding for the long term. The question is how long it will take the participants of the affair to figure that out.

That’s why I can’t tell you how long the affair might last. In some ways, that is controlled by the husband and the other woman. You can try to influence this of course, but some of it is out of your control. What you can control, however, are your own actions. I often encourage wives to focus on their own well being outside of the affair. In other words, he will do what he is going to do, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t pick yourself up individually and get what you need to move yourself forward. If you’d like to read more about my own healing process, please feel free to check out my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to decipher their spouse’s comments and feelings after he has cheated or had an affair. Sometimes, it almost seems as if he is talking in riddles. Common comments that cause for confusion and doubt are things like “I feel empty and lost and I don’t know why I acted that way and I don’t know what I want.” As if dealing with the affair isn’t difficult enough, the faithful spouse now has to decipher what he means by these words and what this might mean for the marriage.

I might hear from a wife on my blog who says: “my husband admitted to an affair. Apparently, he broke it off with the other woman and then came right home to make his confession. He says that he told me because he couldn’t lie to me anymore and he feels that if we are going to save our marriage, then he needs to own up to what he did and to be honest. I guess this is a promising start. But my husband has been saying something repetitively that bothers me. Lately, he’s been saying over and over again that he just feels ‘so empty.’ I don’t know if this is a ploy to make me feel sorry for him or if he is being sincere. What in the world does he mean when he says he feels empty? I feel empty too, but I’m not the one who cheated.”

This expression is actually very common. Many cheating spouses uses this phrase, and they can be referring to their feelings before or after the affair. I have my own opinion about what they might mean by this. And I base this off of the comments that I get off of my blog and my own experience. Of course, it’s only my opinion. The best person to ask about his feelings is the husband himself, but he can’t always articulate his feelings well when he’s unsure of what he’s feeling himself.

He’s Very Disappointed In Himself: This is one logical conclusion. He feels empty because he’s now having to take inventory of his life and he realizes exactly how reckless he has been and how much damage he has caused. This can make him feel a bit depressed and empty.

He Means That He Was Struggling Before The Affair And That This Might Have Contributed To The Infidelity: I firmly believe that there are times in a man’s live when he is much more likely to cheat. It’s extremely common to see happily married and well adjusted men cheat when they are facing a major life struggle. Examples are a job loss or career disappointment, illness, losing someone close to them (like a parent,) and struggling with anxiety or depression or the dreaded mid life crisis. I don’t think that this is a coincidence. I think that they are tempting to deal with or ease their struggles by having an affair.

So when a man tells you that he feels empty, he’s simply reflecting those struggles. Honestly, he may not even have connected the dots and realized that his infidelity had anything to do with his personal struggles, and the only way he knows to articulate this is with a simple phrase like this one.

He Means That He’s Emotionally Blank Because Of This Entire Process: Every one knows that the faithful spouse can struggle emotionally after the affair. It’s a very painful process where you have to confront the shock, disappointment, and hurt. However, few people realize that the cheating spouse can go through these same struggles. They can feel all of the same negative emotions and, in a sense, it’s even worse for them because they know that they are the one who has caused this type of pain.

As a result, it’s very common for them to shut down emotionally. Think about it this way. Men in this situation have had an affair because they were having trouble dealing with their negative emotions. So it only makes sense he’s going to shut down and feel closed off emotionally as the negative fall out of this all comes to a head. If he was struggling before, imagine how he feels now when he not only has to face the emotions that contributed to the cheating in the first place combined with having to look at your hurt face now. Frankly, this would make anyone feel empty. It’s quite understandable, really.

His Feeling Empty Shouldn’t Excuse What He Did, But It Is A Signal That Healing Is Important: By no means is it my intent to make excuses for cheating spouses. Having dealt with this situation myself, I honestly don’t think that there is any valid excuse for cheating. Even if he feels empty beyond all description, that isn’t an excuse for what he did. But, it can be an indication that healing for him is as vital as healing for you, especially if you want to save your marriage.

Rebuilding your marriage after an affair is much easier when you are dealing with two emotionally healthy people who are growing and healing. If he’s feeling empty now, that should show both of you how extremely important healing really is. If you’d like to read more about my healing process, please feel free to check out my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people whose cheating spouse has tried to make a distinction about their infidelity. They are insisting that their infidelity consisted of “only a fling” and was not a full blown affair. Many are very adamant and careful about making this distinction because they believe that it truly makes a difference. Many assume that a fling is easier to overcome than an affair.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife on my blog who communicates: “I caught racy texts on my husband’s phone. They were from a woman at his work. Once I read those texts, I started digging through the phone for other things. And boy, did I find it. It was obvious that this had been going on for about two months. And, it was clear that they had meeting on the sly at hotels. When I confronted my husband about this, he almost acted as if it wasn’t that big of a deal. He admitted that it was ‘a fling,’ but he insists that it wasn’t an affair because there was no love or emotion involved. He claims that he doesn’t care about her. He says it was just a physical relationship that was never going to last and it was always clear that he wasn’t going to leave me for her. He acts as if this distinction matters. I told him that cheating was cheating and that he could call it a fling or an affair, but it didn’t matter to me because he was unfaithful. He insists that there is a major difference. He insists that a fling is not nearly as damaging as an affair. Who is right?”

I honestly don’t believe that there is a right or wrong answer here. I think that what truly matters is what YOU believe. Some wives will admit to me that they wish their husband had a one night stand rather than affair. In situations where the husband was declaring his love to the other woman and was even making plans to be with her in the long term, a relationship that was only physical sounds like a much better alternative.

But some wives feel just the opposite. Wives whose husbands swear that they were only in the relationship for sex can look like creeps. And the wife can begin to wonder whether the husband will do it again because he doesn’t think it’s a big deal? If he can just casually begin and end another relationship, has their been others? Will there be?

Frankly, in my opinion, any infidelity hurts. And any infidelity can challenge your marriage. To me, the core issue is that there was deception and there was unfaithfulness. And there is usually even more deception to cover it up. The feelings that were there or weren’t there are just details. But the deception is the same in both cases.

Now, what cheating spouses will tell you is that the deception might be the same, but the INTENT was not. And that is really the big distinction between an affair and a fling, at least in the view of many folks. With an affair, there is at least assumed to be some feelings and some question as to where the relationship going. The husband might be sweet to the other woman, as if he is wooing her or as if they were dating.

But with a fling, both parties are supposedly well aware that this is not going to be a lasting thing. Neither party wants anything from the other. Both people are clear that once this is over (and flings typically last a short period of time) one or both people are going to go back to their families as if nothing has happened, at least this is the way that it is often explained to me.

Do I buy this? I don’t think that my opinion really matters unless we are talking about my own husband and my own life. I think that what matters is whether the wife in this particular situation buys it. What matters is how she sees this. But I don’t think that there is any question that whether you call this a fling or an affair, recovery is going to be the same. You will still have to overcome the anger and shock and you will still have to rebuild the trust. You will still have to rebuild the marriage and put in considerable time and effort to make this right again.

Because I think that it might be a mistake to assume that any spouse is going to be hugely relieved by claims of “it was just a fling.” Because a fling is bad enough. A fling is still cheating. And a fling still hurts. As to which one is worse, they can both be very damaging. But an affair with perceived real romantic feelings can be a little more challenging when the husband isn’t sure if he wants to give up the other person. Typically with a fling, you don’t get this type of hesitation.

Whether you’re dealing with a fling or with infidelity, please focus on yourself for a bit.  Be gentle, loving and patient with yourself.  None of this is your fault. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are trying to educate themselves about the challenges that they, and their marriage, might be facing after their spouse cheats or has an affair. Many are at least somewhat open to the idea of saving their marriage. But, they have concerns as to how feasible this really is. Many want to know ahead of time what might go wrong so that they can see the problems coming before hand.

A common concern is something like: “my husband had a four month affair with a former teacher of his grown daughter’s. Actually, it was my step daughter who told me about the affair because she opposed the relationship. Apparently, my husband and the other woman were talking about running away together and leaving their families. And my step daughter didn’t want to see this happen to me. I appreciate her telling me, but this has been a very painful process. My husband swears that he still loves me and now wants to save the marriage. I have a very hard time believing this. I don’t understand how it’s possible that just a month ago, he was planning a getaway with her and now all of a sudden, the marriage is good enough for him once again so that he wants to fight for it. It is hard for me to envision what type of marriage we might have in the future.  And this is if I even agree to attempt to salvage this marriage. I’m just curious as to why marriages fail after an affair. What is it that does the marriage in? Is it the affair? Or is it what comes after the affair?”

I’m not a therapist of statistician. But I can tell you what I notice in my own life and the trends that I notice from people who comment on my blog. I have my theories – but that is all they are. Below, I’ll tell you some of the things that I think contributes to a marriage crumbling under the weight of an affair. But I want to stress that just because I am listing an item, this doesn’t mean that it is applicable to your case or that it will happen to you. The whole point of learning what might be a problem is using that information to avoid it. Here are things that I commonly see or hear about below.

The Anger Never Goes Away: This is a very common issue that I see cropping up over and over again. The couple may have done extensive work and tried very hard. But, for whatever reason, the faithful spouse just can not let go of the anger. As a result, things are strained and they remain so. You will often hear the cheating spouse say things like: “I will never be able to win. I will always be punished. I’ll forever be on her bad side.”

And, when this dynamic is set up, it’s very hard to have true intimacy or genuine joy in your marriage. I know first hand that it can be hard to let go of the anger. But it’s often easier if you work very hard on making yourself whole individually when you are the faithful spouse. This may mean restoring your self esteem and making things OK with you outside of your marriage. This means pursuing what you love and what you need as an individual. Why? Because it builds your confidence and your happiness so that you feel safe and ready to let go of the anger.

The Trust Is Never Restored: Sometimes, both people work very hard and the marriage is partially healed. There may even be times when both people feel happy once again. But, there’s always that sense of distrust. There’s always that time when the husband comes home late or is on the phone just a little too long when the wife starts to worry that he may be cheating again. This is understandable if it happens sometimes. But, in some cases, it happens all of the time. The faithful spouse just can not establish any lasting trust and is always worrying that this is going to happen once again. So, neither person can fully relax, which is never a fun situation. I will admit that restoring the trust is hard. And usually, it just takes the passage of time to gain that confidence. But, the cheating spouse can help their cause by being completely transparent and forthcoming. No secrets. No being evasive.  And, the faithful spouse can commit to taking a leap of faith, unless and until their spouse does something to jeopardize that faith.

The Healing Is Never Completed Or Attempted Because It’s Easier To Gloss Over The Problems: This is a broad reason, but I see it happening very often. Of course you want to for your life to get back to normal after the affair. You want to feel right again. Your spouse may be pressuring you also. It’s very common to just throw up your hands and to want to make things at least feel acceptable again as soon as you possibly can. So you may choke down your anger or forego those questions that you have. Or, you may excuse your spouse from going to counseling because he is so resistant to it and it’s only seeming to make things worse. But, when you do that, you delay or even negate your healing. And if you do not make healing a priority, as painful and as difficult as it may be, then you might end up with a marriage that is still very damaged and still just a shell of its former self. People will often just hope that it gets better, but without anything to help it along, it sometimes doesn’t get better. And no one wants to live this way forever.

I don’t mean for this article to be depressing. Many couples go on to have successful and fulfilling marriages after an affair. But it isn’t always easy. It can be a lot of work. But, if this work can ensure that you aren’t continuing to live in a strained and failing marriage with all of that anger and resentment, then in my view, it’s worth it. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who really want to see obvious, true, and strong remorse for their spouse’s affair. Because they fear that, without this remorse, their spouse is likely to either keep cheating, cheat again, or not be willing to work hard enough to save the marriage and to restore the trust. Many people begin looking for this remorse right away. They are thinking and hoping that as soon as the affair comes to light, their spouse is going to immediately show sorrow, shame, and a quest for forgiveness. When this doesn’t happen, they can begin to wonder if there is any remorse at all. And, in order to determine this, they will begin to watch their spouse’s behavior closely for signs of real and true remorse.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “I caught my husband having an affair about two weeks ago. I don’t believe that he thought that he was going to get caught because he seemed so shocked. But, he didn’t seem all that sorry or upset. His primary reaction was that of disbelief and shock. I told him that he is to end the affair immediately. He agreed, but he seems almost resentful about this. He has yet to say that he was sorry. He has yet to apologize. He will only say that he will end it and that in time, he hopes that I can forgive him. But he hasn’t made any attempt to explain himself or to show any sorrow that he has done this to me. The other day, I got so frustrated about this that I confronted him. I told him that he didn’t seem remorseful. He got angry and said that he is remorseful but then asked what I expected of him. He said that it was almost as if I was expecting him to fall to his knees and start sobbing. He said that if I was waiting for this, it wasn’t going to happen. He stressed that he is sorry, but that it is not in his personality to go overboard with pleas and desperation. I’m not sure that I believe him. What should I be looking for in terms of behavior? How does a man who is truly remorseful about the affair act?”

In some ways, the behavior that you see, or the intensity and transparency of it, depends on the man’s personality. If your husband isn’t one to have highly emotional conversations, then he might not start that now. So expecting the same might be setting yourself up for some disappointment. With that said, even if your husband isn’t very demonstrative, there are some things which you’d like to see. I will discuss those things below.

You Want To See Him Eventually Take Responsibility Without Excuses Or Finger Pointing: Before I launch into this point, I’d like to say that it’s very common to see him act a little indignant in the beginning. Often, he’s shocked, ashamed, and a bit surprised. As a result, he may just shut down emotionally, at least for a little while. This doesn’t always mean that he isn’t genuinely remorseful. It just means that he may need a little bit of time before reality sets in and his true response is going to be obvious.

Once that time has passed, you want to see him stand up and admit that he is the one at fault. Sure, he may try to offer up some excuses in the beginning. But, eventually you want to see him own up to the fact that no matter what struggles he might have been facing, he had a choice. He choose to be unfaithful and he needs to realize that this was the wrong choice that must not be made again. He needs to own his behavior and his mistake.

You Want To See Him Showing Concern About Your Well Being: For some men, it certainly wouldn’t be typical to see him falling to his knees and begging for your forgiveness. But, you do want to see him acting concerned about how you are handling this and about your well being. You want for him to ask how you are doing and to offer up something that is going to make this right for you again. Admittedly, this sort of concern isn’t usually second nature for a man. But, even if he’s being awkward or not very effective with this, you want to see him at least to show his own version of concern for you.

You Want To See A Willingness To Fix This: Again, very few men are going to embrace going to counseling or to long talks to determine what went wrong. This is uncomfortable for them and they will sometimes resist it. But the man who is genuinely sorry and who wants to save his marriage will typically make the effort. Even if it is difficult for him and he resents it just a little, he’s still going to offer to do it because he knows this is his doing.

You’ll Notice Him Doing The Right Things Without Your Needing To Ask: Even if he isn’t showing his remorse or his emotion, you want to see him coming right home, not to secretly talk on the phone or text, and not to do anything that is going to cause you to question his fidelity. In short, he should go out of his way so that his behavior reassures you that he doesn’t intend to cheat again.

In the beginning of our recovery, I questioned my husband’s remorse because he was a bit indignant.  I made it clear that this wasn’t going to fly.  And in time, I started to see a lot of the behaviors that I’ve outline here. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who know that it is time to end their affair, but they aren’t sure how to go about it. They know that this is going to cause pain, but they also know that it must be done. However, they aren’t sure how to do it in the right way so that every one can go on with their lives in the most positive way possible.

A comment that you might hear in this situation is something like: “I know that this is going to sound stupid, but last night it dawned on me that I could be ruining my life by having an affair. I started this relationship impulsively, at an awful time in my life. These circumstances have nothing to do with my husband. He has tried to help me, but I have pushed him away. The other man is not a bad guy. He knew that I was married. but I lied to him and told him that my marriage was over. I don’t know if he has real feelings for me. I like to think that he does because this would make the affair seem not quite so awful. I haven’t told my husband about the affair. I do intend to. But only after I have already broken it off. So, I know that I need to end this, but I don’t know how. Part of me just wants to send a text or an email, but I feel like the other man deserves more than this. But I don’t want to see the disappointment in his face when I tell him. What is the best way to end it?”

I will tell you right up front that I am not very objective about this. As a spouse who has been cheated on, I’ve never been the one who has to break it off. But I do hear from many folks in this situation on my blog and I believe that there is probably a right and a wrong way to do this, which I’ll discuss below.

Think About Your Spouse And Your Marriage First: I couldn’t help but notice that the woman in this situation was most concerned with the other man’s feelings than with her husband’s. Quite honestly, you need to be the most concerned about your spouse. Many people will feel somewhat apprehensive about breaking it off and so they will go and tell the other person that their spouse is “making” them end the affair and work on their marriage. What is the risk of this? Well, what if the other person blames your spouse and shows up at your spouse’s work or home? Can you imagine how awful this would be? Especially if your spouse doesn’t already know about the affair? My point is this. Don’t use your spouse or your marriage as an excuse. Take responsibility for your own mistake. Don’t blame anyone else, including the other person.

Break It On In A Way That Sounds Decisive And Final: I understand wanting to let the other person down easy. I understand wanting to have compassion. And, if you can do that while still being clear, than that is optimal. But, be very careful that you don’t break it off in a way that is going to give the other person hope that you might change your mind. Don’t leave them any incentive to continue to contact or reach out to you. It should be clear that you intend for this to be the end without any further contact. If you believe that this is better done in a letter or email so that they can’t interrupt, then I understand this, but keep in mind that they could always show this to your spouse later so be direct and to the point without a lot of emotion. Stress that you made a mistake, that you are sorry for involving them in your mistake, and make it clear that you don’t place any blame on anyone but yourself.

Potential Words To Use: I didn’t know the other man in this situation. The person who can come up with the best words are the people involved. But here is just a general suggestion. “I have been thinking about our relationship and I have realized that I have made a selfish mistake that is entirely of my own doing. I’m so sorry for involving you in this. I was going through my own struggle that I should have dealt with on my own, without involving anyone else. It is time for me to deal with it once and for all. And, in order to do that, I need to end our relationship.”

The other person may try to debate or ask for more information. Keep things short and to the point. Frankly, they may ask about your spouse or your marriage. I realize that some may disagree, but I don’t think that you owe them an explanation about this. Your marriage is your own business, especially since the affair is over. And you don’t want to do anything to encourage the other person to contact your spouse, who doesn’t deserve any of this. Frankly, if the other person knew you were married, they also knew that this day might one day come.

No matter how you decide to end it, the most important thing to do is to end it as soon as you feasibly can. Yes, there may be hurt feelings and pain. But it is better to get the process underway than to continue on and make a bad situation even worse.  You can be gentle and considerate while also being firm. And as soon as that is done, you can focus on your marriage.   If it helps, you can read about my own recovery after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from couples who are trying to determine the easiest and most effective way to work things out after one of them has had an affair. One concern that they will often have if is one of them should leave the house and move out for a bit or whether a temporary or trial separation would be beneficial. They wonder if being apart for a while might allow for things to calm down a little bit and improve.

A sample concern is something like: “my husband had a three month affair. He confessed himself and I believe that he is very sorry and remorseful. He has asked me to allow him to try to work things out. I have agreed to this. I am not sure if we are going to be able to save our marriage, but I would like to try. My husband asked me if I wanted for him to move out for a while. He said that he feels like I get angry and sad every time I look at him and he would respect it if I need some space. I am not sure how I feel about this. I do feel angry sometimes when he is around, but I think that I would feel angry regardless. And I am not sure that I would trust him while he was away. If it better to separate for a little while to let things calm down? Or is it better to try to work things out while still living together?”

I’m not a therapist or mental health counselor, so I can only tell you my opinion on this based on my experience and from comments that I get on my blog. I believe that it truly does depend on the situation. If things are so volatile and ugly that the couple almost can’t stand to be in the same room together, then it can be beneficial for one of them to stay with friends for a while in order for things to calm down and not get out of hand. Notice that I said stay with friends. I didn’t say move out. If you truly want to save your marriage, then I think it is premature just to move out immediately unless that is what your spouse requests of you.

However, this didn’t seem to be the case with this couple. Yes, the wife was understandably angry. But it wasn’t so bad that they couldn’t be in the same room together. I think that it is optimal that you remain living together, with the understanding that you will give space and back off when and if it is needed. Some couples sleep in separate beds for a while. And if that is what makes them feel comfortable at the time, then I think that it is perfectly OK. But I believe there are many advantages to continuing on under the same roof, even if it is with the understanding that things are not the same or are not OK right now.

The Advantages Of Continuing To Live Together: First, it just indicates that you are willing to hang in there and not act impulsively. Even if you are angry, hurt, or disappointed, it shows that you have the ability to wait and see what happens rather than just fleeing immediately. This can say a lot about you, your marriage, and your personality. Second, there can be huge trust issues if you can’t see or know what your spouse is doing. When someone has already cheated on you once, of course you are going to wonder what he is up to even if he is doing nothing more than going to work and then immediately coming home. Third, it can be easier to work through your problems when you have easy access to your spouse. But when one of you is living apart from the other, the logistics can make talking, communicating, and just trying to be in the same space with each other much more difficult. Simply put, you won’t have the same opportunity to communicate and to check in regularly.

That is not to say that couples can’t and don’t make it after an affair when one moves out. They do. And the ones who do typically have counseling at set and regular times so that they are communicating regularly. If they don’t, then they will generally schedule times to get together. I believe there is a real risk in having one person move out when there is no self help or counseling in place to ensure that you will at least try to move forward.

But to answer the original concern, it’s my opinion (and that is all it is, an opinion) that unless things are very volatile between you, it’s best to remain under the same roof if you can, with the understanding that both people will give space if needed. My husband did stay with friends in the beginning.  But he never officially moved out.  I am not sure what would have happened if he had.  But I think the whole healing process was easier once we were under the same roof. If it helps, you can read about own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks whose spouse is attempting to make a very big distinction about his affair by claiming that sexual intercourse never took place. The spouse isn’t denying that there was inappropriate contact and emotional infidelity, but he is insisting that the relationship was never consummated and that this should count for something.

To that end, I might hear a comment like: “I caught my husband sending pictures to his coworker. The phone pictures were suggestive and obviously inappropriate. He was caught red handed, so he really couldn’t deny it. But after we started talking about this for a while, be began to insist that there was never any sex between them. He admitted that they have been sending inappropriate photos and that they have been sneaking away for lunch together. He says that they have kissed and cuddled. He even admits that if I hadn’t caught him, intercourse would have eventually have happened, probably. But he says that it hadn’t happened when I caught him. He admits that his behavior was risky and wrong. But he feels that it should matter that he didn’t have sex with her. Does it really matter?”

Well, probably the only one who can decide if it matters or not is the wife. The real question is whether it matters to her. In my opinion, she was still dealing with infidelity. To me, infidelity is when you get something that you should be getting from your spouse from someone else while being secretive about the same. This “something” might be emotional support. Or flirtation. Or sex. But if you are hiding any of this from your spouse and you are doing these things on the sly, then in my opinion, that is a betrayal.

And whether sex occurred or not, the recovery is going to be the same. You are going to have to figure out why your husband did this. You are going to have to address and fix whatever problems or issues that you uncover. And you are going to have to place safeguards in place to restore the trust. To me, these things are necessary whether there was sexual intercourse or not.

Admittedly, not having to deal with mental images of your partner having sex with someone else is a positive thing. But you still have the images of them kissing and sending one another suggestive emails to deal with. Sure, the whole thing stops short of sex, but just short. The husband had admitted that sex was probably eventually going to happen. So it’s not as if the husband is in the clear.

Many of this wife’s friends were telling her that her husband was probably lying. They said that he probably knew that she would come unglued at the thought of her husband sleeping with someone else. So, he was lying in order to spare her this kind of pain. That was a possibility. But he had admitted to so much additional inappropriate behavior, that it makes you question why he felt that the sex issue really mattered, especially since he’d already admitted to many unsavory things.

My suggestion for this wife would be to make it clear that you consider his lying about this as bad as the intercourse itself. And stress that if he isn’t telling you the truth, then he needs to do that right now. If he still insists that no sex has occurred, then you might consider just moving forward with rehabilitation with the knowledge that the truth generally has a way of coming out eventually.

But to the question of whether it matters if there was no sex, only the wife can make that call as to whether it is significant to her.  No one else’s opinion should matter.  He is her husband.  Not anyone else’s. It might provide a little bit of comfort that you’re not dealing with a sexual indiscretion (assuming that you believe him,) but you still need to address the other indiscretions. And this is generally enough to handle.

I probably would have been a bit relieved if no sex had happened in my husband’s case.  But I still would have been devastated by any betrayal.  And I still would have insisted on rehabilitation. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are just starting to consider the idea of staying with the husband who was unfaithful. And many of them are struggling with this idea because they can’t imagine how any woman with an ounce of self esteem or self respect would stay with a man who betrayed her. These wives can wonder what this says about their character.

An example of the type of comment that you might hear is: “my husband cheated on me with the woman who takes care of our garden. He insists that it is over. But I am not sure if I believe him. He has fired her. But I still think that he acts weird and distant sometimes. He is begging me not to leave him. And I am considering this for a couple of reasons. The first reason is because of my children. My husband is not my children’s father, but he has given my children a family that they otherwise would not have had. I don’t really want my children growing up with only a single mother. The second reason that I am thinking about staying is because of stability. If I am being honest, being married to my husband allows me the stability to stay home with my children. I honestly don’t want to have to go out and get a job. I don’t have many skills. And I can’t even imagine who would hire me. I am not proud of any of this. But that is my reality. One of my biggest concerns is how am I ever going to retain my self respect if I stay with my husband? What kind of person stays with a man who cheated?”

Before I try to give you my opinion on this, I have to make a very important distinction. I think that there is a difference between staying with a man who cheated in the past tense (and who you believe will not cheat again) and the man who is still actively cheating. There is a huge difference between the two in terms of self respect, at least in my opinion. Because when you stay with a man who is no longer cheating and who is very motivated to become rehabilitated, then you are staying because you truly believe that this was a one time event that will never happen again. You’re not staying while conceding to look the other way while he cheats, because you believe that he most certainly is not going to be cheating again. You’re committing to a future in which you believe he is going to be completely faithful.

However, this reality is different from staying with a man who is still actively cheating. In that case, you are choosing to continue on with your marriage even when you know that he’s not being faithful to you. I’m not saying that there can not be self respect in this scenario. There can, especially if you have high hopes that your situation is going to change in the future. But I think that retaining your self respect is more challenging if the cheating is still happening or is still active.

Maintaining Your Self Respect Has As Much To Do With You As It Does With Him: This wife was concerned about her self respect, but most of her attention was on her husband. She was worried about what would happen in her life if she were to challenge her marriage. Because she didn’t think that she could stand on her own. I’m not about to suggest that she put her children’s home life in jeopardy just to prove a point. I wouldn’t have done that either. But I am going to suggest that you consider working on yourself so that you minimize your risk in the future. I can’t stress this enough. I was in a similar situation. Because I raised my children while my husband worked, I worried that my skills were limited. So after the affair, I set out to obtain more education and more skills. That way, although I choose to stay with my husband because I wanted to keep my family together, I knew that I didn’t need my husband any more to keep food on the table. This went a long way toward helping me to maintain my self respect. I also started asking for what I wanted and needed in the relationship. I realized that my wants and needs mattered just as much as his.

What Kind Of Woman Stays?: In terms of self respect, I’m often asked “what kind of wife stays with a husband who cheated?” I’m going to try to answer that question. But remember, there can be a difference between a husband who cheated in the past and who is making things right in the present and the husband who is still cheating. Here is my answer. The type of woman who stays is often the one who wants to keep her family together. She is the one who still sees the good in her husband and who believes that with hard work and rehabilitation, then perhaps he deserves just more chance. She’s the type of woman who will hang in there when times get hard rather than walking away before she fights for what she has worked so hard for. I don’t mean to sound defensive, but it bothers me when people insinuate that there is something wrong with a woman who stays. Often, people who make these judgements don’t know the back story. They don’t understand all of the hard work that goes into rehabilitation and they don’t understand that this isn’t a decision that any one takes lightly.

Why do I believe this?  Because I was and am one of those women who stays.  And I think that this says that I am a fighter, not someone who is weak. This is only my opinion but I don’t believe that it’s a sign of weakness to stay if you insist on rehabilitation. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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