Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who wish that the other woman would leave their husbands alone. Sometimes, the affair has been over for quite some time. And yet, the other woman is still making a pest of herself, trying to reach out to the husband, and trying to let him know how much she misses him. This can infuriate the wife because she’s trying very hard to save her marriage and the other woman is making this more of a challenge than it needs to be.

So I might hear from a wife who says: “the affair happened six months ago. As soon as I found out about it, my husband agreed to end it. I heard him call the other woman, tell her the affair was over, and ask her not to contact him again. I heard him say these words. And his voice with steady and forceful. There is no way that she could have mistook what he was saying. It was very clear that he didn’t want to be contacted by her again. And yet, the other day, I looked at his texts and there was one from her saying how much she missed him. My husband responded that they shouldn’t be talking. And she responded with: ‘it’s true. I do still miss you. I don’t care how much time passes. I still miss you.’ I am so upset by this. Why is she still trying to worm her way in his life? He says he hasn’t done anything to encourage her, but I don’t know what to believe at this point. Why would she continue to try to contact him if he’s not doing anything to encourage her? Is this possible? And how can I make her stop?”

Try Not To Jump To Conclusions: I know that it’s easy to believe that your husband is leading this woman on. You likely still feel some doubts about his love for and commitment to you. So, it may be easy for you to believe that your husband is still after her or she’s only responding to his texts first. I understand why you might feel this way, but I’d suggest not jumping to conclusions before you investigate further. What is to stay that she isn’t the one doing all of the contacting? That would not be out of the question. And, by doubting your husband, you are giving her power because she is still creating conflict when she should already been gone from your life. Only you can determine if you find your husband’s recent behavior trustworthy.  But if you do, reconsider allowing her back into your life.

Where Do You Go From Here?: Well, there are a couple of ways that you can approach this. You can choose to give your husband the benefit of the doubt unless he gives you a reason not to. If he’s not exhibiting any other strange behavior, is attentive to you, and is where he says he’s going to be, then it may not make sense to create conflict when you don’t have to?

Another thing that you can do is to encourage him to make it very difficult, if not impossible, for her to contact him. She’s already shown that she’s not going to respond to your husband telling her to leave him alone. He has already tried that tactic and she has always ignored it. So, you may have to just make this process more challenging for her. What if you husband blocked her number so that she could no longer text him? What if, taking this even a step further, he changed his number and didn’t give her the new one?

Look at the ways that she contacts him and then take the steps so that she can’t do this anymore. This might mean blocking her on facebook or opening a new account that she does not have access to. It might mean changing phone numbers. It might mean closing or changing other media communications that she has used to contact him. I know that this can seem like a lot of trouble. But frankly, if she finds that she can no longer reach out to him, then she likely won’t have any choice but to stop.

What Does It Matter If She Misses Him If No One Is Acting On It?: I know that it can really bug you to read her words and to know that she is still thinking about your husband. But, let’s think of this logically instead of emotionally, just for a minute. As long as no one is acting on her messages, what does it really matter? The only way that it truly matters is if you allow this to thwart your attempts to save your marriage. And why would you do that? Why let her make her way back into your life?

Frankly, her missing your husband is not your problem – it is hers. And until she makes a change in her life, she will likely remain stuck and not moving forward and missing someone else’s husband. But that is not your issue. It is hers. Don’t make it your problem. Don’t make it your husband’s problem. Or your marriage’s problem.

Make it difficult (if not impossible) for her to continue to contact him. And then, just let her deal with her own issues. And let her go. She has no place in your life anymore. She may well miss your husband. But when she doesn’t have easy access to him, she will eventually move on because she has no choice.

I understand how difficult it is to think about the other woman.  But I know from experience, it is best to let her go and move on. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have been waiting for the “other woman” to show her true colors and therefore become less attractive to the husband. The wife often hopes this process isn’t going to take very long, since it’s hard to be patient when you feel your marriage slipping away. But when this doesn’t happen right away, the wife begins to worry that it may never happen.

So I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband is cheating with a young gold digger. I know that this sounds harsh, but it is frankly true. She is young and pretty and poor. She has no education. She has no skills. She has nothing going for her other than the fact that she attracted my husband to her. When I tell my husband this, he tells me that I’m completely wrong about her. He insists that she loves him for who he is. It is very hard for me to keep a straight face when he says this. She loves a middle aged man who is overweight? Give me a break. I am pretty sure that before long, her greediness is going to start to show. My friends tell me that I should just bide my time. They say that her little gold digging will eventually come through. I suspect that this might be true. But, how long is it going to take? It is so hard for me not to give my husband an earful about this. I feel like he’s such an idiot for not seeing this. How long until he comes to his senses?”

It’s impossible for me to predict this. But I can tell you this. The other woman is probably well aware that every one in this situation is going to suspect that she is a gold digger. So, she is likely to be very careful. Sure, it is going to be impossible for her not to let down her guard at some point. But especially in the beginning, she is sure to be careful. She likely knows that she is being watched. And she may not want to give up the great possibility she sees in her future.

Be Careful As To How Much You Bring Your Husband’s Attention To This.  You Really Only Need To Say It Once: I know that you want to snap him to his senses. But do you know what happens when you continue to bring his attention to the possibility that she’s not sincere? He will actually defend her. He doesn’t want to think that a beautiful, young woman like her wouldn’t be attracted to an older man like him. No one wants to see themselves in this way. Worse than this, he will start to look for behaviors in her that prove you wrong. In that way, he’s actually becoming more attracted to her. He’s defending her more and more. And, he’s actually more likely to notice when she exhibits positive behavior that will prove to him that she loves him for him, (as unlikely as this might be in real life.)

Control What You Can – Yourself: You need to be careful when you use this strategy and you don’t continue to try to bring his attention what he’s already trying to deny. Because in time, he is going to figure this out on his own. And, when he does, it’s going to have so much more impact and it is going to feel so much more genuine. So as hard as it may be, I believe that the best thing to do is to step away and focus on yourself. Allow this process to unfold without your needing to interfere. Because it is likely to unfold. If what you believe is true, then the odds are very good that she will eventually show her true self. The question then becomes what will your husband do when he sees it. This isn’t something that you can control. But you can control how you play it right now. And my recommendation would be to let this be for a little while and to focus on yourself. This will allow your husband to see things a little more clearly because he won’t that he needs to defend her as much.

I know that it might feel like a risk. But I believe that it more risky to put him in a position where he is defending her and the relationship. Because this may actually make their relationship stronger. And this isn’t what you want. When you spend the time to work on yourself, really focus on what you want going forward. Work very hard to restore your self esteem and self worth. Because there are other issues here as to whether or not he will see her true self. He needs to see your true self also. He needs to see your worth and what he has put at risk. But these are things that he is going to need to figure out for himself. You can’t control this. But you can control yourself. And you deserve for you to be your own best advocate.

So while I can’t answer how long it will take for him to see the truth, I can tell you that the sooner you start your own healing, the better it will be for everyone concerned.  It wasn’t until I started working on myself that I started to feel a little better. If it helps, you can read about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are beyond fed up with their husband’s reoccurring cheating. In the beginning, they wanted to believe in him and to give him the benefit of the doubt, but that is no longer possible because he’s cheated again and again. The wife usually shamefully admits that she still loves her husband, although she sometimes wishes that she didn’t because it might be easier if she could turn off her feelings. She’s often quite confused as to why he’d passionately beg her to give him one more chance only to make the same mistakes over and over. After all, he seems very sincere when he apologizes and says he loves her. So then, why does he betray her again?

A common comment in this situation is something like: “my husband cheated on me the first time two years into our marriage. At that point, I was young, in love, and very dependent on him. I stayed because he begged me not to leave him and told me that he would never want to live without me. He swore that he would never hurt me in that way again. The second time he cheated, we had two children. And I didn’t leave because of my kids. My husband made me feel guilty and asked how I could force our kids to live in a single parent household. Again, he cried and begged and said he loved me more than anything. Now, he has cheated a third time. And he is carrying on and crying and telling me how truly sorry he is and that he knows that he is an awful person. I still love him, but I don’t think that I want to be married to him anymore. I don’t understand why he keeps doing this. If he’s not happy with me and feels the need to cheat, why does he keep begging me not to leave him?”

I will answer these questions as best as I can. But I can only tell you my opinion which has been formed from my own experience and from listening to comments on my blog. I believe that in a situation like this one, the husband truly doesn’t want the wife to leave. He’s begging her to stay because he truly wants for her to stay. He may even believe what he is telling her. He likely does intend to make good on his promises.

People so often assume that a man who cheats doesn’t love his wife or isn’t fully committed to her. I firmly believe that this isn’t always true. I believe that there are many men who love their wives very much and yet they cheat on her. How can this be possible? Because their cheating on their wife has nothing to do with her but everything to do with him.

Repeat Cheating Isn’t About Marital Problems.  It’s About Personal Problems:  He is not reacting to her problems. He is reacting to his own problems. He is not necessarily unhappy with her. He is unhappy with himself. There are many reasons that men continue to cheat despite their promises and initial efforts. Some have no or poor impulse control. Others were brought up in a culture that condones cheating. Some are looking for a way to temporarily feel better about themselves. Others have addictive behaviors. None of this means that they don’t love their wife or aren’t sincere. But it does mean that this situation needs some help.

If repeat cheating shows you anything, it shows you that will power and good intentions are not enough. Chances are if you don’t do anything to seek treatment or counseling (or at the very least educate yourself about why this is happening and then address it,) then it’s possible that he is going to continue to cheat because the problem or issue continues to be there.

I know that this isn’t what you want to hear. And I am by no means trying to make excuses or paint a bleak picture. But I have seen this enough times to know that a man who repeatedly cheats isn’t necessarily going to quit until there is something that breaks the cycle. He may want to stop more than anything in the world. But obviously, based on his repetitive behaviors, he can’t. At least not without help.

This doesn’t need to mean that you marriage is over if you chose to fight for it (and I don’t think anyone would judge you no matter which choice you made,) but it might mean that you are going to need some help or education in order to make real and lasting change that means that he’s finally able to be faithful. It’s so important to understand that this doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with his intention to be faithful or his love for you. It has to do with the fact that he keeps repeating the same destructive cycle and it’s not good for him, for you, your family, or your marriage.

The best suggestion that I can make here is to get some help or education. It might help save your marriage if that’s what you want it to do. But, if not, it can help him and it can help your family as it navigates this process. But this doesn’t mean that there was anything wrong with the wife or that any of this was her fault. It just means that there is a cycle that needs to be broken.  And only she could decide if it was worth it for her to try to do that.

I know that this is painful.  My husband only cheated once and it almost ended our marriage.  Recovery wasn’t easy, but I’ve never regretted it. Everyone is different, however.  If it helps, you can read about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are very upset by the way that their husband seems to be protecting the other woman in the affair. Even though the wife is insisting that he break off the affair and have nothing whatsoever to do with the other woman, the husband is resisting this, in part because he is trying not to spare her feelings.

From the wife, I might hear a comment like: “I caught my husband having an affair. I think that this caught him off guard. He thought that he’d covered his tracks well but apparently he didn’t cover them good enough. He was absolutely shocked when I confronted him and I could tell that he wasn’t completely prepared for it. I insisted that he immediately call the other woman right there in front of me and tell her that they were never seeing one another again. I wanted for him to tell her that it was completely over and that he was completely off limits to her. I wanted him to stress that she was not to call, text, or see him. My husband was completely mortified by these suggestions. He absolutely refused. He said that he would not end things this cruelly. And that he needed to do this very gently. He says that he’s worried about hurting her. I was stunned at this. And outraged. He’s worried about hurting her? What about the pain that all of this has caused me and continues to cause me? Needless to say, my response to my husband was heated. And then he asked me to just give him a little more time in order to do this as gently as possible. I’m not sure how to handle this. Why would he care about her feelings more than mine?”

I can’t answer this question as a man who has cheated. I am a wife who has been cheated on. But I hear from a lot of these men on my blog. And I have some theories as to why they will sometimes act this way. I will share some of these insights below.

He May Feel That It’s Too Late To Control How The Information Is Received By You: Many husbands in this situation will swear that they are so sorry that you found out about the affair in the way that you did. But, once you’ve found out, there is no way that your husband can turn back time and change reality. He can’t make it so that you find out in a more gentle way that spares you pain. He can no longer control that, because the moment has passed. But what he can control is how the information comes to her.

I know that it is very hurtful that he cares about how she receives the information. Because you would probably feel better if it was as painful as possible. But, she isn’t likely to see this coming. And he probably doesn’t want to just spring it on her while you are sitting there listening. He probably wants to take control over what he can still control – how she finds out.

He May Not Have Been Entirely Truthful To Her And He May Want To Make That Right: It’s not uncommon for the husband to be worried that the other woman truly thought that the two of them had a future together. He may have given her this impression. Or, she may have come to this conclusion herself simply because this is what she wants or this is what she hopes will happen. Either way, he may be motivated to gently make it clear that this isn’t going to be happening. He may want to tell her face to face that the relationship truly needs to end. And he may wish to apologize for any part that he had in leading her on.

He May Want To Make It Very Clear That The Relationship Needs To Completely End And That She Needs To Stay Away From His Family: Sometimes, the husband has come to realize that the other woman is possessive of him. He worries that once she finds out that the affair is over, she’s going to try to contact or confront you. By talking to her in person, the husband may be hoping to avoid this. He may want to make it clear to her that you and his family are off limits.

How To Handle This: Understand that emotions are high right now. It can help to think about what is most important. And typically, that is going to be that he ends the relationship. I know that it might make you feel better if you know that he did this in a cruel way or in a way that is hurtful to her so that she won’t hang onto the relationship. But if your husband is resistant to this, you have to ask yourself if it is more important that he end the relationship or if your main priority is controlling how he ends it. To me, the fact that he really and truly ends it and makes his wishes very clear is the most important thing.

So you might say something like: “it’s very hurtful and upsetting that you seem to care more about her feelings than my feelings. I should be your priority right now. And I need for you to decide which one of us is more important to you. Because I won’t accept you continuing on with any sort of relationship with her. I need for you to tell her that it is over without any doubt. I need for you to communicate that she is not to contact either of us in any way and that after today, you are out of one another’s lives. If you need to say that gently, then do what you have to do in order to make her understand, but do it today.”

I totally get that this is hurtful, but look at it as the first step toward getting her out of your life. If he needs to break it off in his own way, so be it, as long as it makes it clear that it is really and truly broken off for good. If it helps, you can read about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who seem to be sincere when they claim that they still love their spouse and that they want to save their marriage, even when they have cheated on them. It’s my inclination to want to help anyone in this situation, especially if this involves a family with children. But one scenario often comes up that really frustrates me. And that is when the cheating spouse will tell me that they really and truly want to end the affair, but somehow, they just can’t.

An example of a comment that I might hear is something like: “I know that in order to have any chance of saving my marriage, I’m going to have to end the affair. I know that this is the right thing to do and I know that I owe this to my family. After I told my spouse about the affair, he immediately told me that if I didn’t end the affair, he was going to take my daughter and go and stay with his family for a while. He said that I will always be our daughter’s mother and that he will always try to facilitate that relationship, but that he wasn’t going to try to hold the marriage together if I was still seeing the other man. My husband was actually very calm and matter of fact about this. I respected the way that he handled it. I realized that I wanted to try to save my marriage and my family. I promised my husband that very evening that I would end the affair the next day. And I did. I completely believed that it was over and that I would move on with my family and never look back. But, about a week later, the other man came by my office. I took one look at him and my heart turned to jelly. Literally, I can not resist this man. I can’t stop thinking about him. If he gets close enough to me to touch me, then it’s all over. I have been with the man twice since I told my husband that it was over. Each time, I tell myself that it will never happen again but then it happens again. I’m so disappointed in myself. I want to end this affair. I have tried to end this affair. But for some reason, I can’t. What can I do?”

I am going to admit right now that I’m objective about this. I was a faithful spouse who was cheated on. I try to be understanding and patient in all scenarios, but this one poses a challenge for me. Because when you say that you “can’t” quit the affair, that’s not really accurate. You are choosing to give into temptation. Because at any point during these meetings, you could have excused yourself and promptly left. Would it have been difficult and potentially painful? Yes, it would. But how painful is it going to be for your spouse when they found out that you lied again?

Playing Fair: I don’t mean to imply that there aren’t real feelings for both people. I believe that this is possible. But you have to ask yourself which is more important to you – your family or the affair? And you need to be really honest with yourself. Because if you ultimately want the other man, then pretending otherwise isn’t fair to your spouse. This is cruel and dishonest. Because he is at home thinking that he is going to overcome his pain and his suspicions so that he can work this out with you. He is acting in good faith. Doesn’t he deserve the same from you? If you can’t give him that, shouldn’t you be honest?

I do concede that I am sure that it is difficult to just abruptly break off a relationship without much closure. And yet, if you truly want to save your marriage, this is what you must do. Sometimes, this means steering well clear of the other person. Or this means making it crystal clear that you don’t want to see or hear from them at any point. Sometimes, this requires that you change your habits, your routines, or even your phone number. But even if these things are inconvenient and difficult, it has to be worth it to you.

Saving a marriage after an affair is a challenge regardless of how willing and motivated both people are. The trust is a major issue that must be overcome. And every time you continue to see the other person when you’ve told your spouse that it is over, you whittle away that trust just a little more. And you send messages and signals that this deceptive relationship is more important to you than your marriage. If you are truly sincere, this is something that you need to avoid. I know that this process is difficult. But your actions put it into motion. So, now it is up to you to stop it.

I truly don’t mean to sound cruel or impatient. But this is just one of those situations where what you say and what you do need to match. Because your spouse is going to be watching you closely. And if you truly want to save your marriage, you need to know that your actions are in direct contrast to this. My suggestion would be to do whatever is necessary to avoid the other person. If you aren’t in their presence, then you don’t have to worry about continuing the affair. Steer clear of them and spend the extra time on your marriage.

Again, I’m not trying to be abrasive.  But as someone who has been where this husband is, I know how much this hurts.  Play fair and do what you’ve said you’re going to do.  And if you can’t do that, please be honest. If it helps, you can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are still very raw after their husband’s affair. They want for things to feel better as soon as is possible. And I’m sure that every one can understand this. This is a pain unlike any that many folks have ever felt. It hurts to your core. Every day, when you wake up, you’re just hoping that you don’t have to repeat the process over and over again.

So, you start to wonder what is going to make this better. And then perhaps you start reading about forgiveness or you see a talk show about it. So, you start to wonder if perhaps forgiveness could help you to more forward, but the very thought of it seems so far away and impossible. You wonder if this can ever happen for you. And if so, when?

I might hear a comment like: “my husband had an affair about four months ago. It still feels so very raw. I still hurt so much. It seems that day after day passes and things just don’t feel that different. A friend of mine said that she thinks that it would help me to let go if I could forgive my husband. I potentially agree with this. But every time I try to even think about forgiving him, then I just freeze up. And I wonder if perhaps I’m not ready because the anger is still there. The confusion is still there. But I do believe that if I could swing it, then it could help me. My husband and I are having our ten year anniversary in about six months. I’m wondering if it is too much to ask for me to be able to forgive him by then. How long does it generally take forgive and is there anything that I can do in order to forgive more quickly?”

I know that some women will tell you that they forgave almost immediately. I respect and admire this. I truly do. But I do not think that this would have been possible for me. In order for me to be able to forgive, I needed to see, and to really and truly believe, that my husband was completely remorseful and completely rehabilitated. I also needed time to strengthen myself. All of this took the passage of days. It did not and could not happen immediately. Plus, because of my own process, I came to believe that forgiveness should not be the sole goal and it should not be rushed. I will tell you why below.

Why Forgiveness Shouldn’t Be The End Goal: I think that there is a real misconception that once you forgive, you are able to just pick up your marriage where you left off and ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. I don’t think that this is very probable. Why do I say this? Because if all you had to do was to forgive, then every one would try it. But, it takes much more than forgiveness, in my experience. You have to uncover what went wrong. You will both need to work to pick up the pieces. You will both need time to heal. And you have to move past the anger and the awkwardness. This can’t happen until your husband proves that he is worthy of all of this effort. And that takes time.

But, f you convince yourself that all you need to do is forgive and then you’re all in the clear, then it really does create unrealistic expectations. Plus, if you forgive without making your spouse earn it, he will think that he is in the clear without needing to do the work to make this right again. Don’t get me wrong. In my experience, forgiveness does help. It truly does. But it usually comes because OVER TIME, you can see your spouse’s progress and sincerity.

How Can You Speed The Process Along: Believe me when I say that I understand wanting to feel better. And I think that the sooner that true healing happens, the sooner forgiveness happens. For me, forgiveness came in a very unexpected moment on a very normal day. I was watching my husband with my children and my parents. He was being considerate and kind. And it was in that moment when I realized that I forgave him because we had come through this and because he had proven that he was sincere. I don’t think that this could have happened without the passage of time though. I don’t think that I could have forgiven before I knew, for sure, that it was really going to be OK.

And I believe that is the key. I think that it is easier to forgive when you can genuinely see some light at the end of the tunnel. Forgiveness is easier when you regain your strength and you realize that you are going to be OK no matter what. Then, you’re able to set all of this aside because you realize that it is only holding you back and that you truly don’t need it anymore. But this type of realization often only occurs once you have healed.

So I think that the way to speed up forgiveness is to try to speed up healing. And I think that part of this is giving yourself permission to do what you need to do to turn the corner. If you need counseling, get it – even if you need to go alone at first. If you need to work on your self esteem, give yourself permission to invest in yourself. Care for yourself like you would your child or your best friend. Because healing, to me, should be the real goal. I find that forgiveness will often follow.  And I also think that six months could be a realistic time frame if you’re very progressive about your healing.

As I alluded to, forgiveness took a while for me.  Because I wasn’t willing to even consider it before I saw true effort from my husband and before I healed.  If it helps, you can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear wives who are confused as to why their husband is still leaving. Because the reason that he’s been giving for leaving is because he wants to be with the woman with whom he was having an affair. But, after he announces that the affair is over, the wife might assume that he is going to stay. And, when he doesn’t, there can be a lot of confusion.

I might from a wife who says: “when my husband first told me that he was leaving me, I had no idea that he was having an affair. Doesn’t that sound crazy? But he was acting normally at home so I really didn’t have any reason to suspect that anything was wrong. Then one night, not only did he announce that he had been having an affair, he also told me that he was leaving me for her. I was devastated and I begged him to stay for the sake of my children. He agreed to stay for just a little while. The whole time that he was here, I told him that we would never be able to settle anything while the relationship with the other woman was still in tact. My husband told me that he cared deeply for the other woman and indicated that he didn’t think that he was prepared to end it. That’s why I was so stunned when a couple of days later he told me that the affair relationship was over. I was very relieved. I was still furious with my husband, but I figured that at least we might stand a chance to see what would happen if we tried to save our marriage. Then my husband stunned me again with the announcement that he was still leaving. I immediately asked him why he was going to leave when the affair wasn’t even active anymore. He would only just vaguely say that he felt that he needed to be on his own for a while. I don’t understand this. Why would he leave anyway when the affair is over?”

I really felt for this wife. It’s bad enough to learn of the affair. It’s even worse when your husband insists on leaving even though the affair is supposedly over. There are several reasons that he may have set this situation in motion. I will outline some of those possible reasons below.

The Affair My Not Really Be Over: I am just going to get this one out of the way so that I can move on. But, it wouldn’t be unheard of for the husband to claim that the affair is over when this isn’t entirely true. It also wouldn’t be heard of him for him to leave in order to go and be with the other woman. But, he may know that this is going to be very hurtful for you so he will pretend that the relationship is over. I am not saying that this is the case in the above situation. I am just bringing it up because it does happen sometimes.

He May Really Need Some Time To Sort Out His Feelings: A lot has happened for the couple over the last couple of days. This is a lot to process. It’s not unusual for both people to be overwhelmed. And it’s also very common for the cheating spouse to feel extremely embarrassed and ashamed. So it may actually be painful for him to be around you. His feelings may be overwhelming him. And he may feel that he may be more comfortable staying away for just a little while. This doesn’t mean that he won’t ever come back. And frankly, sometimes a pause in the action is actually a healing thing.

He May Be Trying To See How You Are Going To React: I feel obligated to tell you that sometimes, a husband will leave in order to put himself in a better position. He’s trying to make you see what life might be like without him so that you won’t be too hard on him when he comes back. He’s hoping that you beg him to come home and are willing to put the affair aside in order to make that happen. I’d caution you to be careful here. Because if you don’t do any work toward healing, then the fall out from the affair is going to continue to come up, whether you want it to or not. You can’t expect for things to just work out seamlessly if you don’t do the work in order to understand what went wrong and then figuring out how to fix it.

He May Want To Give You The Time That He Thinks That You Need: Remember when I said above that the cheating spouse is often embarrassed and ashamed? Well, sometimes he also feels unworthy as well. He may feel as if he doesn’t deserve you or the kids. So he feels that it might be best to give you some time in order to see what you truly want. Sometimes, it’s very difficult for him to look at your hurt face and realize that he is the one who caused this.

Where To Go From Here: I know that this wife wanted her husband back. But sometimes, a short pause can actually help. And if you immediately start begging him to come back, he’s won if he is indeed posturing. I think that the better call is to make it clear that his leaving wasn’t your decision, but to stress that you are doing the best that you can. At that point, it will be clear that what happens next is up to him. And frankly, his next actions are likely to tell you how he really feels. In the meantime, make yourself a priority and take good care of yourself. Because right now, he is likely watching you very closely and may just follow your lead.

When my husband had an affair, I didn’t necessarily want to take time for myself.  But some caring friends insisted on extreme self care and it actually helped me to get more clarity.  I wasn’t able to process things when my husband was right in front of me and when I was feeling so angry. If it helps, you can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are extremely worried that their marriage is over. And it’s not because the marriage was marred by an affair. It is because their spouse is adamant that he loves (or loved if you’re talking about in the past tense) the other person with whom he cheated or had an affair. It’s very common for the wife to find his love for the other woman to be the worst part about the affair. She often believes that she can get over the betrayal and the lies. She might even get over the hit to her self esteem. But, she fears, she might never get over the reality that her husband has loved someone else.

I might hear a comment like: “I feel like my marriage is over and there is nothing that I am going to be able to do about it. My husband had an affair with one of my friends. As if this isn’t bad enough, both of them are freely admitting that it wasn’t just a fling. They both insist that they were in love and that it was a real, healthy and loving relationship. Just hearing that makes me sick. My husband has agreed to end the relationship because of our children. However, it is clear that he is not at all happy about this. I believe that he is only doing it because of his love for his children. But, if it was only us, I’m pretty sure he would chose to stay with her. He says that he is willing to try to save our marriage. Notice that he said ‘try,’ and not that we were actually going to do it. I am starting to wonder if there is any hope for us. The other woman has promised to stay away. I believe that they will both honor that promise. But I know that they don’t want to. The question I have is whether or not there is any hope whatsoever for a marriage when there was an affair with actual love?”

I am not unbiased about this. I am a wife who has saved her marriage after an affair. The process was difficult. There were times when I was sure that our relationship was over. But in the end, we did it. And that is why I believe that nothing is hopeless. I daresay that I firmly believe that there is always hope even when the cheating spouse believes and thinks that the other person was their one true love and their soul mate.

Notice that I said “think.” I also believe that many people merely think that they love the other person. Why do I say this? Because I see so many of these same people come back later and who admit that, now with the luxury of hindsight, they now understand that they were wrong in their assertions that they were in love with the other person. Does this make them liars? Not necessarily. Often, they genuinely believe that the love is there. And I have a theory as to why this is.

Why It’s Easy For Them To Believe It’s Love At The Time: Think about it for a second. Try to reverse the roles. I know that you don’t want to pretend that it was you who had the affair. But, just for a moment and just for the sake or argument, let’s just pretend that it was you. Wouldn’t it make you feel better about the whole situation if you were in love with the other person? Wouldn’t it feel better to say to yourself that you are only acting as you are because you are in so in love with the one person who turned out to be your soulmate? After all, who can expect you to turn away from that type of love? This is just a handy justification and it is so much prettier to say this than to tell yourself that you’re just betraying your spouse because you want to have a brief sexual fling like scratching an itch with someone who isn’t anything special.

Thinking You’re In Love Makes Justification Easier: In short, this sort of thinking helps the cheating spouse to justify it to himself and to others. But, once he is away from the other person and he begins to face reality, then he is much more likely to actually see the truth. And this is why there is most certainly hope for your marriage. Countless cheating spouses in this situation eventually change their minds and realize that what they felt wasn’t love after all – it was merely justification.

And for the sake of argument, even if it was on the same realm as love, people can and do find that those feelings are fading as they begin to reconnect with their spouse and strengthen their marriage. Suddenly, they see how the person that they truly have loved for all these years has been right in front of their eyes. And they see what a waste it was to jeopardize this. And this is when you will usually see them change their stories and express extreme remorse.

I would suggest taking your spouse’s claims right now with  a grain of salt.  Emotions are typically high and claims are somewhat exaggerated.   When healing is well underway, that is when you will typically hear information that is more accurate.  If it helps, you can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who know that their husband is cheating, but who have not confronted him yet. And one reason for this is that they are quite confused. Sometimes, they are just waiting for him to leave them because they just can not understand why he would stay with them (as if nothing is happening) while still cheating.

So, I might hear a comment like: “I know for a fact that my husband is cheating on me. I’ve been reading his texts and his Facebook messages. He’s definitely been meeting another woman and their messages don’t leave anything to the imagination. This appears to have been going on for about four weeks. However, none of their correspondence indicates that they have any plans in the future. He never mentions leaving me for her. He doesn’t say that I’m an awful wife or anything like that. He still acts relatively normal at home. And he still acts loving toward me. This is why I don’t get it. Why would he happily stay with me if he’s cheating?”

I’m going to do the best that I can to answer this. But keep in mind that I’m not a man who has cheated. I am a woman who has been cheated on. But I do hear from a lot of husbands on my blog. And I am reasonably confident that I have a decent handle on some of the reasons that cheating husbands stay with their wives and are often happy to do so.

Many Men Don’t Believe That Cheating Has Anything To Do With Love: I am not going to tell you that cheating husbands don’t know that infidelity is wrong. They do know. But, they are often counting on their belief that you won’t find out. And many legitimately believe that their cheating is not going to end their marriage and it’s not going to hurt their wife because he never plans to tell. I can’t tell you how many cheating men will insist that they still love their wives as much as they always have. They often see the cheating issue as completely separate from their marriage. They will often see it as their personal problem rather than seeing it as a marital problem. In their minds, they will soon move past this and they will pick up their marriage where they left off.

Some Men Think That Their Cheating Actually Improves Their Marriage: I know that this sounds crazy, but I find it to be true on some occasions. Some men will tell you that their cheating or their affair allows for them to blow off steam or to work through some personal issue that helps to keep him from burdening his wife about it. For example, let’s say a man is having an identity or mid life crisis. He doesn’t want to look like an old fool for sharing this with his wife. So, he will have an affair in order to make himself feel young and desirable again. But, he figures, there is no reason to burden his wife with this when he can just take his improved self back to his marriage as if nothing happened. I am not by any means saying that this is right. But, it is sometimes the thinking behind this.

Some Men Believe That They Are Perfectly Happy With Their Married Lives, Even When They Are Cheating: People so often assume that a man who cheats is unhappy at home. This is actually often a mistake. I’ve had numerous men comment on my blog and insist that they were always happily married. They will tell you that their wife has nothing to do with their cheating. They will tell you that their behavior is about them and not about their wife. Perhaps they have individual or cultural reasons to cheat. Often, they have friends who are also cheating on their spouses. Or, they may see the cheating as something which is completely outside of their marriage. But many of them are clear that they absolutely love their spouses and completely intend to continue on with their marriages. Many resent the implication that one thing affects another.

Many men who cheat still see themselves as a man who is still very much committed to his wife and to his family. What this wife was experiencing wasn’t unusual. Men often do cheat and fully intend for nothing to change in their future. The expectation that a man who cheats wants out of (or is going to leave) his marriage just isn’t always true. Some men do intend to leave, of course, but many do not.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t have a say in what happens because you absolutely do. But I hope that this article has shown you that men don’t always intend to leave their wives when they cheat.

Just because he believes these things doesn’t mean that they are true.  This is just one thing that you have to negotiate when trying to move past the affair.  If it helps, you can read about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who really would like to stabilize their marriage after their spouse has cheated or had an affair. They would like to reestablish the love, the trust, and the closeness or intimacy. But something holds them back. And this can make a situation that is already awkward even more so.

I might hear a comment like: “I truly do want to make my marriage work after my husband’s infidelity, although he doesn’t believe this. But I am so hurt and so raw. As sad as it is to admit, I can’t even look at him without thinking about what he did. And I know that he is really trying. I know that he is truly remorseful and that he wants for things to be normal again. He’s actually been very sweet. He’s been trying to make me feel loved and supported. He puts himself out there and I continue to resist him. I want to feel close to him again, but something always stops me. Instead of trying to get closer to him like I really want to do, I actually end up distancing myself from him. I’m not sure why I’m doing this, but I can’t seem to stop. ”

I suspect that I know why you are doing this. I could be wrong. But from my own experience (which was similar) I believe that you distance yourself as a defense mechanism. Wives will often assume that this distancing process means that they no longer love their husband, but I believe it means exactly the opposite. It means that you still love him but you are afraid that this love means that you are going to be hurt. The last thing that you want is to allow yourself to be vulnerable and, because of this, to have your heart shattered once again. This is perfectly normal and completely understandable. But, eventually, you’ll need to move past it if you want to eventually feel close again. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips on how to do this.

Don’t Rush It. You Will Likely Know When You Are Ready: I completely understand that you just want to feel normal again. Feeling like your life has been turned upside down is emotionally exhausting and it gets old fast. The temptation is to just force yourself to do whatever you need to go in order to get your old life, and your old marriage, back. But typically if you force yourself before you’re truly ready, this will backfire and you will delay your progress rather than speed it along. I know that you just want for things to feel routine again. But, don’t sacrifice what is routine for what is right. You have plenty of time. And, you are better waiting until it’s very obvious that you are ready rather than trying to hurry yourself along before you are.

Know That As You Heal, The Closeness Will Take Care Of Itself: Honestly, you should not have to force this. As you begin to do the work of healing your marriage, and the trust very slowly but surely returns, you will just want to open yourself up a little more. Over time, as your husband shows you that he means what he says and that he is trustworthy, you will feel more and more safe doing so.

I know that it may not sound possible right now, but one of the few gifts that infidelity gives you is the ability to rebuild your marriage from the ground up. You can discard the things that don’t work and bump up the things that do. And, you will often just naturally put unimportant things that would have otherwise competed for your time on the back burner because suddenly you have the perspective of what is most important. Unfortunately, this often requires something major to happen before this sort of clarity is available to us.

But once you have this clarity, you are more able to do the work. Other things are no longer getting in the way. You suddenly see what is most vital to making this right. And you often haven’t seen that type of clarity and intensity since you were first dating. In many ways, this is a unique opportunity that you may not have otherwise had. I would never tell you that my husband’s affair is something that I have embraced. It most certainly isn’t. Ideally, it would have never have happened. But there were some real improvements that we were able to make with our marriage because of it.

That’s why I don’t think that it’s necessary to worry too much about the closeness, especially in the beginning. As long as you do the work, it should take care of itself. You can help it along by noticing when you are closing yourself off and then asking yourself what particular fear you are feeling. It is usually some variation of the fear of being hurt again. Or, it is some fear that your husband isn’t telling you the complete truth. And being able to release these types of worries just takes time because you need time to see if he is going to be sincere. If you rush it, then you are likely to wonder if you let him off the hook too soon. Or, you’re going to worry and be suspicious because not enough time has passed.

There is nothing wrong with noticing when you are distancing yourself and then trying to improve the situation. But be careful that you aren’t expecting too much of yourself or pressuring yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong here and you are doing the very best that you can. Be patient with yourself and try to open your heart as you can, but don’t beat yourself up.

I understand this process.  I struggled too.  But looking back now, I could not have been truly intimate and close to my husband in the beginning of this process.  There was too much distrust.  He had to earn that trust back.  And once he did, I felt safe opening myself up again. You can read about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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