Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are very frustrated because they are having a huge problem communicating with their spouse after their infidelity is found out. Much of the time, they are trying really hard to communicate honestly, but their spouse’s anger keeps them from making much headway. The faithful spouse often will interrupt them, challenge, or even reject what they are saying. As a result, it can be almost impossible to make your spouse understand this.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “I am willing to tell my husband anything that he wants to know about my infidelity. I am willing to be completely honest. In fact, I want to talk about it. I’m tired of carrying this horrible guilt inside of me. I know that it is going to be painful. But I would rather get it out. I want to explain that there was really no valid reason for me to do what I did. I want to stress to my husband that none of this was his fault. I want for him to know that more than anything, I want to save what we have and I’m so sorry that I put us in jeopardy. I want to say all of these things and more, but when I try, something goes wrong. The words don’t come to me. Or, when they do, my husband interrupts or debates and challenges what I am trying to say. How do I successfully explain my infidelity to him? Or is this even possible?

I believe that this is eventually possible, but I also know from experience that it is extremely challenging. As the spouse who was cheated on, I can share some insights on this. When you find out that your spouse has cheated on you and things are still incredibly raw and painful, there are really no words that are going to even make a dent in what you are feeling. And frankly, you are going to question the validity of whatever he says, because he has already lied to you several times to carry out his cheating. With this said, communication is very important. It is better to attempt to explain it and to not be completely effective than to just say nothing.

When you say nothing, you leave your spouse to assume the worse. So, attempting to explain is a worthwhile goal, as long as you understand that it may not go in exactly the way that you had hoped. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try though. Below, I’ll offer some suggestions on the types of things that might be very important for you to communicate.

Make Sure You Express That None Of This Is His Fault: I can tell you from experience that when your spouse cheats on you, then you immediately begin to ask yourself what is wrong with you. Of course, you immediately want to know what you did wrong or where you may not have been good enough. You wonder where you might have failed. This is a very painful process that can almost destroy your self esteem and make you question yourself. So, it’s very important that you stress to your spouse that this whole process was a mistake that you made because of your own flaws. They must know that it has nothing to do with their flaws. Sure, there may have been issues with your spouse and your marriage, but now is not the time to mention that, because it’s only going to sound like a lame excuse. And, regardless of any flaws or short comings, you were always free to bring this to your spouse’s attention instead of cheating. In other words, you were free to make a better choice. Take responsibility for that.

Make Sure Your Spouse Knows That You Are Completely Remorseful And Motivated To Make This Right: One of the things that your spouse most likely wants to know is whether you are remorseful. They want to know if you feel justified. Because if you don’t, the worry is that you might cheat again. They want to know that you understand what you have put at risk and therefore will work tirelessly to ensure that it will never happen again. They also want to know that you are willing to do whatever you have to do in order to fix this. Sure, they may not fully believe you, but it will mean something that you are trying.

How Do You Put Into Words Why You Cheated If You Don’t Even Understand It Yourself?: This is a challenge to be sure. But it’s important that you make the attempt. And really, only you know what your true motivations might have been. Take extra care that any explanation that you give doesn’t sound like an excuse and doesn’t sound like you are trying to transfer the blame to your spouse.

If you find that your spouse won’t listen or is constantly interrupting you, consider writing a letter. You want to stress that you still love your spouse. You want to tell them that you are sorry. You might even admit that you don’t have all of the answers because you are confused and surprised about what you have done. You may attempt to tell your spouse that you were struggling emotionally and that the infidelity might have been a way to quiet those doubts about yourself or your place in life. Having said that, you want to stress that you completely understand how misguided you were and how much you put at risk over your very unfortunate thinking. You want to make sure that your spouse knows that you see the horrible fall out your actions so that you will most certainly think twice about ever doing this again. Finally, you want for your spouse to know that you still love them and never stopped. You want for them to know that the mistake was completely yours and had nothing to do with them.  And you want to tell then how you intend to fix this.

It took a while before I was really and truly willing to listen to my husband’s explanations of infidelity.  They never made complete sense and they didn’t take away the pain, but I was glad he made the effort.  You can read about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people whose cheating spouse truly wants to “even the score.” What I mean by that is that the cheating spouse has become tired of being the bad guy in the relationship. They are tired of their spouse bringing up how much they have been hurt. They are tired of the fact that it feels as if no matter what they do, the affair is always thrown up in their face. So, they often wish that their spouse would make their own mistake in order to even the playing field so to speak. And one way that they will attempt to accomplish this is to encourage their own spouse to cheat on them. Needless to say, not every faithful spouse is excited about this. Many would never even consider it. But they aren’t sure how to handle it when their spouse continues to insist on this.

As an example, I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me with our housekeeper of all things. He said it only happened a couple of times and it meant nothing to him. He doesn’t understand why I’m so hurt and angry. He doesn’t get why I don’t trust him and am always suspicious of him now. And he has no patience with this process. He gets angry at me when I question him or ask for concessions, as if I don’t deserve a little bit of extra attention and consideration. The other day, he got angry at me when I asked him why he came home late. And then he blurted out that he wanted for me to cheat on him because he wants us to be even so that I will back off about his cheating. I told him that this was ridiculous, but he continued to insist. I was very mad about this. And then when the anger ended, I was hurt. I wouldn’t and couldn’t cheat on my husband. This just isn’t in my make up. What kind of man tells his wife to go out and have an affair just to ease his own burden and guilt? Sometimes, I think that there is no hope for us. Is there?”

Well, I am not the one to answer that question, although I think that it always hope. This was a decision for the wife to make. But I agreed with her that her husband’s suggestion was highly inappropriate and in absolutely horrible taste. And if she did want to eventually save her marriage, she would need to make her husband understand this. I’ll offer some explanations as to why he might be doing this and then explain how I might handle this.

He May Know That You Would Never Cheat. He’s Trying To Take Some Heat Off Of Himself: It’s not at all unusual for a cheating husband to try very hard to posture in order to take the heat off of himself. Sometimes, he will be cooperative and remorseful in the beginning. But always having to make amends and always being the bad guy in the equation can get old fast.

So he starts to wonder what he can do to get you to back off a little bit. Some men will try to become more combative hoping that you will want to avoid the conflict and will therefore back away. This whole “go ahead and have an affair so that we’re even strategy” is an example of that. It’s likely that your husband knows you very well and also knows that you are not going to take him up on this offer. His hope is probably that you will reassure him that you would never cheat and then back off a little. In that way, he will have achieved his goal and he never really risked anything.

How To Handle This: If you don’t address this and you back away, then he has reached his goal and his strategy has worked. Only you know if this is acceptable to you. Because admittedly, there comes a point in this process where you just want to heal and you don’t need or want for everything to be full of conflict every day. But, there is also a point where you need to take up for yourself and let your husband know that you find the suggestion somewhat offensive and counter to his claims that he wants to make things right.

You might say: “I really want to hope that you don’t mean that. I hope that this is just your frustration talking. Because if you were really serious that you would have your own wife cheat on you just so you wouldn’t have to face the consequences of the affair, that would be extremely disappointing and that would say a lot about where you are in this process. In order for us to heal, we need to trust that we are both going to be faithful in our marriage from this point forward. If you don’t believe that and are not committed to it, then we are much further apart than I thought. We have more work to do than I thought. I’m willing to listen to what you have to say. Because I think that this is only your frustration talking, at least I hope so. ”

Then, listen to what he has to say. He may very well tell you that he didn’t really mean it. Or, he may be combative again, having not gotten the message the first time. This is one example of when you’ll need to decide where you stand and how you are going to communicate the same. But I agreed with the wife wholeheartedly. This suggestion was absurd. Being unfaithful to a cheating spouse isn’t “evening the score,” it’s creating additional problems onto an already problematic situation.

My husband also tried to posture a little when I first found out about his affair.  But I shut him down fast. You can read about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are absolutely floored that their husband is still exhibiting what they believe is inappropriate behavior – even after he has been caught cheating or having an affair. Sometimes, he will casually touch other women. Or look or stare at them. Or attempt to communicate with them. For the purposes of this article, I will be discussing the cheating husband who openly looks at other women in front of his wife.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “my husband’s wandering eye has always been an issue with us, even when we started dating in high school over twenty years ago. My husband has always appreciated beautiful women. And his father was exactly the same way. This used to make my husband’s mother furious but the agreement was always ‘look but don’t touch.’ Well, apparently my husband thought that this didn’t apply to him because he definitely touched. I caught him having an affair with the woman who cuts his hair last year. He broke it off and we have been in counseling. He doesn’t understand why I am so insecure when he looks at other women. I honestly don’t care if he understands it or not. He should respect my wishes enough to stop. But it as if he can’t stop himself. I find it so disrespectful and it makes me wonder if I want to be with him anymore when he can’t even carry out this small request for me. Why would he still openly stare at other women right in front me when I’ve already caught him cheating once?”

I believe that there are various reasons that a man will continue to stare at other women. I will discuss some of these reasons, as well as offer some suggestions on how to deal with this below.

It May Be Second Nature To Him. He May Not Even Realize That He Is Doing It: If this man had grown up watching his father “appreciate” other women, then this was likely deeply engrained within him. Beyond that, it was likely part of his culture. It was even possible that he never even realized when he was doing it and therefore he didn’t completely understand why his wife was getting so mad about it, since his intentions weren’t unsavory. I hear from a lot of men in this type of situation on my blog and many will tell you that they look at ALL women. They certainly don’t intend to cheat with all of these women, many of whom are older or not even attractive. But they will insist that they are hard wired to innocently look at women.

He May Get Some Sort Of Payoff From This: Often, men continue on with a practice that began before they got married because it makes them feel young and alive. They don’t necessarily intend to act on it and they will tell you that they don’t mean any disrespect. But not looking at women would make them feel like a shriveled old man who is no longer really alive. And the very thought of this makes him feel like less of a man.

I’m not bringing up these possibilities to make excuses for him. This behavior makes his wife uncomfortable when she already has a reason to doubt him, which is why the behavior needs to stop. And that leads me to my next point – the best way to handle this.

Make Sure He Understands What He’s Doing And Why You Object To It: I want you to know that I absolutely understand your concern. It is completely valid. But as someone who has gone through this and as someone who hears from both sides of the issue, I can tell you that it’s important to be deliberate about how you approach this. If it sounds as if you are accusing him of wrongdoing, then he will be defensive and you are less likely to get what you want. But if you phrase it in the right way, you could possibly inspire him to willingly do better.

Here is what I would suggest. The next time he openly eyes another woman in your presence, you might say something like: ” I know that you may not realize that you are doing it, but you just stared openly at that woman. I’m not saying that you intended anything inappropriate. I’m not implying that you are going to cheat with that woman just because you are staring at her. I also understand that you aren’t intentionally trying to hurt me. But, you need to know that when you do that, it is hurting me. It makes me think about the affair and it makes me wonder if I can trust you. It makes me feel insecure and it brings up the hurt all over again. So, I need for you to make a huge effort to stop it. I honestly don’t think that you realize that you are doing it. So, when I see it again, I am going to squeeze your hand in order to bring your attention to it and I will expect for you to stop. I need for you to do this for me. Recovering from the affair is hard enough without this constantly reminding me that you pay attention to other women instead of me. I am asking you to do this because you love me and because you want to make a good faith effort to restore the trust. I see it as disrespectful and I know that you don’t mean it in that way.”

Know that you may have to squeeze his hand many times before he actually clues into how often he does this and how often it upsets you. But when he takes notice and he makes a point to stop, make sure to acknowledge his efforts. This is likely a habit that he is going to need to break and that is never easy. But he has a large motivation to change – and that motivation is you.

As you can probably tell, I firmly believe that the husband needs to make a huge effort to change.  If it is making his wife uncomfortable and impedes her ability to heal, then it should be a top priority for him.  Healing takes the effort of both people.  If it helps, you can read more about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who, somewhere deep in their hearts, want to stay with their cheating husbands. Sometimes, they have children and they feel that keeping the family together is going to mean a better outcome for those same children when they become adults. Or, perhaps they still love their husband and believe that, somewhere deep down, he is still a good man.

They may also just not want to end the relationship to which they have contributed for so long. I might hear a comment like “I am beyond devastated by my husband’s affair. But frankly, he has spent the last several weeks begging me to give him one more chance. He says that he will go to counseling. He says that he will stop going out. He says that he will come straight home from work. He says that I will not be sorry if I just give him one more chance. I am considering this, but here is the big issue that I just can not overcome. I feel like if I stay with him, then he will not suffer any consequences from the affair. He hasn’t lost me. His family was never in jeopardy. Essentially, he just gets to move on with his life. While I get to carry the pain and the insecurity with me. Part of me thinks that I should leave him for a while just to make him afraid of losing me. Shouldn’t a husband have consequences for an affair?”

I agreed with this wife that a husband should have consequences for his affair. Because if he does not, then what is to stop him from cheating again? What is going to give him pause to stop and think about whether or not he wants to repeat these same behaviors? I do agree that a man must understand that his behaviors mean that there are losses and consequences which are going to require for him to do some work in order to make this right again.

There May Be Consequences You Haven’t Considered: But, who is to say that he doesn’t see the other consequences to his actions? You are requiring that he goes to counseling. He will come right home and curb any going out without you. Additionally, he is likely to notice that the trust between you just isn’t the same and that he is going to have to work hard to restore this. Additionally, it’s a safe bet that you are going to be guarded around him and that this is likely to remain until he is able to undo the damage that has been done.

And, just because you are choosing to stay with him right now, this doesn’t mean that he is home free or that you won’t change his mind. I ultimately did decide to stay with my husband, but I made it very clear that this decision could be retracted at any time if for any reason that I felt that my husband wasn’t trustworthy or sincere. In other words, I was always watching and evaluating. And if something was troublesome to me, then I could reevaluate staying at any time. My husband was well aware of this. And this is definitely just one example of the types of consequences of having an affair.

There Are Always Losses:  There are almost always some losses that are the consequences of his affair. The loss of trust. The loss of a marriage without conflict. The loss of the blind believe that your husband is a good and transparent person. The loss of knowing exactly what tomorrow is going to bring. So no, he doesn’t have the consequence of watching his wife leave immediately. But he likely has the consequence of knowing that this could change at any time.  He knows that your marriage is fragile. He knows that he has messed up his marriage and that he now has to fix it. And he knows that the trust and the marriage will need to be rebuilt, which is going to require for him to be the one to take the initiative.

No, these things aren’t as bad as loosing you. But if you were to ask your husband, he would likely tell you that they are bad enough. And that they feel like consequences to him. I think the real key is to make it clear that even though you’re staying for now, this doesn’t mean that you are staying forever – unless you are happy with the rehabilitation that you are seeing.

As I alluded to, I ultimately did stay with my husband, but there were plenty of consequences for him. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are keeping their husband at arm’s length because he has cheated or had an affair. Some husbands don’t accept this type of distance however. They will beg their wives to take them back.

To that end, a husband will often act in such a way to begin to attempt to restore the trust and to get his wife to be receptive to him again. Many wives will resist this very much at first. But over time, her defenses begin to wear down. I can tell you from experience that your love for your husband doesn’t dissipate into a puff of smoke because of one mistake. Often, somewhere in your heart, you do have an inclination to take him back, at least some day. But you can be afraid that he is going to hurt you again. So you start to ask yourself if there are any circumstances in which you should allow him back into your life and back into your marriage.

I hear these types of comments in this situation: “my husband cheated on me with one of my friends. My first inclination was to want nothing to do with either one of them. The thought of them together makes me absolutely sick. I kicked my husband out of the house and told him that if he thought so highly of my friend, he should go and live with her. I turned off my cell phone so that neither of them had access to me and I did not answer the door when they came by. Last week, I went out to get my mail. My husband had his car parked down the street and then approached me and begged for me to hear him out. Then he started crying and blubbering and saying that he couldn’t live without me. He begged for me to let him come inside so I did. He talked for two hours about how if I would take him back he would spend the rest of his life being the best husband imaginable. He seemed sincere. He cried several times. Part of me is tempted to take him back but I know that would probably be a stupid decision. Under what circumstances should a wife take back her cheating husband?”

This is a difficult question because only the person involved in it can evaluate what might be right for them and for their own marriage. However, with this said, I can tell you my opinion on this as a wife who has been through it. And I can tell you some of the characteristics that I often see in men who are sincere and determined to really and truly save their marriage.

He Takes Full Responsibility And Offers No Excuses Or Blame: You want to see a man who doesn’t try to shift the blame or offer up lame excuses. You want to see him stand up and proclaim that this is all his fault and that there is no possible justification for his actions. You want for him to realize that fixing this lies on his shoulders because he is the one who put all of this in motion. In short, he knows that full responsibility lies with him. Because if he doesn’t take this stance, there is a decent chance that there is going to be resentment as a result.

He Is Willing To Do Whatever You Deem Necessary For Healing To Occur: Men who are worthy of taking back don’t refuse to go to counseling and don’t refuse to answer your questions about the affair. Even if the process is painful or uncomfortable to them, they are willing to do whatever you feel that you need to heal because they want what is best for you and not what is best for them. Admittedly, most men are not going to be excited about counseling or self help. But the motivated man who wants to save his marriage will agree to it because his wife is more important than his own comfort level.

He Will Do Whatever You Need Him To Do In Order To Get Reassurance That This Isn’t Going To Happen Again: It is normal for a wife who has been through infidelity to be suspicious of her husband and to have trust issues. It is normal for her to want to know where he is at all times for a little while. It’s normal for you to want him home and to want for him to check in. It’s normal for her to need a little more reassurance for quite a while. A man who is worth taking back will do all of this quite willingly and he won’t make his wife feel guilty or paranoid about it. He will just see the whole process as the understandable cost of his huge mistake.

He Is Willing To Go At Your Own Pace And Not To Rush You: There’s no question that this husband wanted his wife back. But frankly what was important right now was what the wife wanted and what was right for her. Personally, I think that it was too soon to make a real decision about taking him back. But I don’t think there’s anything with telling him that you will wait and see and that you won’t make any rash decisions. There isn’t anything wrong with continuing to talk and see one another as you feel it is appropriate. There’s nothing wrong with giving your husband a chance to make it up to you if this is what you want to do. And during that process, you can evaluate what type of progress you are making with healing and how you feel at that time.

But, there is no need to rush. You can commit to being somewhat receptive to listening to him in the days ahead if you like. But whether or not you should ultimately take him back, at least in my opinion, should come after you’ve watched and waited for a while in order to determine if he’s really sincere and if he has really making good on his promises.

I did ultimately decide to take my husband back after his affair.  But I took my time about this.  I felt that it was necessary to watch, wait and evaluate for quite a while and I’m glad that I did.  Because the slower pace gave me the peace of mind that he was really sincere. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who just can not understand how their husband could carry out the process of cheating and having an affair. Sure, she understands the physical process of it. But, she can not understand the mental or emotional process of it. After all, she believes that her spouse is a loving husband and father. She knows that her husband loves his children more than anything and that he very much wants his children to have a wonderful and secure childhood. Why then, would he risk what is the most important thing to him in order to cheat? Is he not thinking of his family when he does this? And, if so, how can he block them out of his mind?

An example of a comment in this scenario is something like: “I just found out that my husband has been cheating on me. He coaches little league and he has been seeing on of the mothers. He says that he will break up with her and focus on our family because family is what is truly important to him. I find this to be a complete contradiction. If family is so important, then why did he not think of his family when he was having sex with her? It’s just so hard for me to understand this. I can’t even fathom being able to carry out anything inappropriate with someone else because I couldn’t even go through with it because of thoughts of my kids. How could my husband do this without seeing our faces in his mind? How do men not consider their wife and children who love them?”

I can answer this as best as I can because I definitely have my theories. But, I’m not a man who has cheated. I am someone who has experienced this as a faithful spouse. But I do hear from cheating husbands on my blog and I believe that they are able to compartmentalize their behavior for a couple of reasons which I will discuss below.

He May Be Determined That You Won’t Find Out And Won’t Be Affected: Many people who cheat are absolutely determined that the affair will never be discovered. They convince themselves that the other person is discreet and that, once the affair is over, they are going to pick up with their family life right where they left off. Many of them don’t have any intention of this hurting their family life. They see it as just getting something out of their system or just taking some action to feel better about themselves. But, in their mind, they just don’t believe that this is going to affect or hurt their marriage or their family in any way whatsoever.

They Have Become Good At Blocking Any Thoughts That Would Stop Their Actions: Think about this for a second. Anyone who is able to have an affair has to be somewhat skilled at quieting any doubts in their mind. Because there are several steps that will often happen in order for infidelity to occur. Perhaps they have a cup of coffee with the other person without mentioning this to their spouse. Perhaps they begin calling and texting the other person. And then they start seeing this person on the sly quite regularly. Typically a couple of encounters are going to happen before infidelity actually occurs. And each time they are going to have to put their doubts out of their mind or overcome them in some way. In essence, they get good at quieting the doubts as they come up. So that by the time they are actually cheating, then they are able to carry it out without having a crisis of the conscience.

Many People Who Have Affairs Completely Believe That Their Love For And Commitment To Their Families Has Not Changed: As I said, I do hear from a lot of cheating husbands. And a good deal of them will passionately insist that they never stopped loving their spouse and that they never broke their commitment to their family. Most of the time, when they look to the future, they still envision their happy family as intact. Most them never intend for anything to change.

I know that this is confusing and hard to take. I couldn’t understand this either as someone who has gone through it. Honestly, I think that part of the reason for this is that I myself could never carry this out so I just didn’t understand how my husband could. I believe that men are much better than compartmentalizing than women. They simply don’t think that their bottom line is going to change, despite their actions.

In my own experience, I know that you can ponder this question forever and you still may not understand it and accept it. That’s why I believe that it’s sometimes best to just accept that you may never truly understand it and focus on where you want to go from here. You have to ask yourself if you want to save your marriage, if you need more time to decide, or if this is absolutely a deal breaker for you so that no other contemplation is necessary. This is something that only you can answer. But that answer often won’t come through understanding how he could do this. Because that’s an answer that wives usually can’t understand since we ourselves wouldn’t carry out those same actions.

I had to do this myself.  Because at some point, you have to begin to focus on moving on if you are going to heal. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from folks who want to know how to mend fences after their affair.  So, I might hear a comment like: “I had an affair nine months ago. I lied to my husband and my children. I would pretend to work late when I was really spending time with the other man. Once, I fabricated a weekend business trip but I didn’t leave town at all. I missed my mother in law’s birthday because of this. Sometimes during the affair, my mother and sister in law would reach out to me and want to spend time with me. But, I would decline their invitations. I suppose this is because I was trying to distance myself from the entire family since I wasn’t sure about what was going to happen in my marriage. This wasn’t in response to anything that they did wrong. I love them. I still love my husband. And I betrayed them all. My husband told his family about my affair. I wish he hadn’t done that, but I understand that he needed their support. Now when I see my husband’s family, they won’t even look me in the eye. Last weekend, I tried to approach my mother in law and she basically told me that she is respecting her husband’s decision to try to make our marriage work, but she’s afraid that our relationship won’t ever be the same again. She said that she used to love me like a daughter but now she can only see me as a liar. She even went so far as to say that she hopes that her husband comes to his senses and dumps me. I was angry after this exchange, but I didn’t tell my husband about it. Because I realized that I didn’t blame her at all. My behavior was horrible. I’m so embarrassed. But I do want to save my marriage. And I want to make this up to my extended family. My question is how can I go about repairing my relationship with everyone?”

After my husband’s affair, I did confide in a few close friends and family members and it did affect my husband’s relationship with these folks. Quite understandably, they wanted to protect me and so they turned on my husband. At the time, I didn’t blame them and this gave me comfort. But later, when my husband and I were trying to reconcile, this was a very challenging. They were somewhat hostile to my husband and he was defensive around them.

Know That This Takes Time: Frankly, seeing some improvement in this situation took time and effort. And I believe that no matter what you do, time is going to be necessary. Unfortunately, I don’t think that this is really any way to rush this. Because the truth is, your extended family is watching and waiting to see if you are trustworthy. They aren’t just going to hand over this trust immediately. You are going to have to earn it over a considerable amount of time.

You are likely to be met with some doubt and a bit of hostility. This is understandable also. After all, there are protective of your husband. They love him and they are seeing that he has been hurt because of your actions. It’s only natural for them to close ranks and rally around their own. So where does that leave you?

Know That If You Can Repair Your Marriage, Other Relationships Will Follow: Honestly, your best bet is to just set your sights on becoming the best wife that you can be possibly be from today forward. You have a lot of work to do. But frankly, when you make things right with their son, then by extension, you make things right with them. When the day comes that they see their son happy and in a fulfilling marriage again, then they are going to be more likely to accept you again.

This is fortunate because frankly, your first priority is always your spouse right now. Everyone and everything else will have to come second. People often ask me if they need to have a “clear the air” type of confrontation with the extended family. I don’t think that you want to have to a confrontation, but you can attempt to have a conversation. If it starts to get heated, it is best to remove yourself from the situation. You don’t want to make things worse.

You might try something like: “I absolutely deserve for you to be wary of me right now. I am so sorry for my actions and I completely understand your anger. I deserve it. I just want to reassure you that I am going to make this right again. I hope that over time, you will give me another chance. I think that you will see that I am absolutely sincere about making your son happy again. I made a grave mistake and I am paying for it. But I am going to make the best of the situation and rebuild my relationship with your son. I hope that one day, I can rebuild my relationship with you also.”

If you think that they might not let you finish, consider sending this in letter or email form. As I said, don’t engage with them or get defensive. It’s important to understand their anger and then just focus on what is truly important – and that is rebuilding your relationship with your spouse. If you can do that, your relationship with your extended family should improve as well.

As I alluded to, my husband had a lot of work to do in order to reconnect with our family and friends.  But he hung in there and he made this as priority.  And they have seen that he is serious about redeeming himself.  So, they are more open to him once again.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who thought long and hard before they finally told the truth about their affair. This is a decision that they didn’t take lightly. Often, they went back and forth. They debated internally. They even approached trusted friends and asked for advice. And, in the end, they decide that the right thing to do is to just tell the truth. But when they finally do, the worst case scenario happens and they are faced with the prospect of losing their spouse and their family. So, they have to admit to themselves that it may have been better to do the wrong thing and to lie.

I might hear a comment like: “I had an affair with a man who takes yoga at the same time that I do. I never had any intention of the relationship being anything but friendship. And even when I crossed the line, I never had any intention of leaving my husband and my family. So I broke it off with the other man. And I stayed away from him. But my husband had his suspicions and I started to having to field a lot of questions. I asked many of my friends if I should just tell the truth about the affair. They all told me that I should lie and do whatever I had to do so that my husband never knew the truth. But this just felt wrong to me. Every time I was around my husband, I felt horrible guilt. I felt like I was the type of person who didn’t even deserve him. So I decided to tell him the truth. I truly believed that he would be devastated but would stand by me because we have been together for so long and we have a family that is so important to both of us. Well, as soon as I told my husband the truth, he left. And he hasn’t come back. And he says that he probably won’t ever be able to forgive me. He says that he will be cordial and receptive to me because he knows that this is important to our kids. But he also says that I have crossed a line that can’t ever be undone. I feel like telling the truth caused me to lose everything. I wish I had just lied.”

I hear this quite often. Much of the time, the cheating spouse really is trying to do the right thing. But they feel like they have been punished for it. And they can’t help but wonder if they still would be happily married if they just would have been smart enough to keep their mouth shut. It can be excruciating to know that there is no way to undo your confession. Once the cat is out of the bag, there is no way to put it back in.

Since You Can’t Take It Back, Make The Best Of It: Since you can’t go back now, I feel that you might as well work with what you have. Yes, your spouse is furious and the fall out of this is very challenging and scary. But I can tell you that things can and do calm down. Spouses can and do reconsider. I can also tell you that I so often hear from people who are struggling with the guilt of living a lie. So, keeping this to yourself has huge disadvantages also. You run the risk of your spouse finding out that you have been lying. Believe it or not, the fall out is often worse then. At least in this scenario, your spouse can’t deny that you did the right thing by telling the truth and being honest. In the end, that sometimes does count for something. It can take a while for the shock to wear off and for your spouse to stop lashing out at you. I know that waiting is difficult.

Consider The Downside Of Continuing To Lie: As a spouse who has been cheated on before, I admit that I believe that telling the truth is the right thing to do. It is the first step toward taking responsibility and restoring the trust. If you had continued to lie, your spouse would always know this and might have a very hard time moving past it. And, you would also know and might have trouble looking at yourself in the mirror.

I know that telling a truth might seem like a mistake right now. But, that is only because you are dealing with difficult consequences. In truth, you may still have had to deal with these consequences later when your spouse found out. And, it might have even been worse at that point because you were still being deceptive.

At least this way, you have unburdened yourself and shown enough respect and care for your spouse to tell him the truth. I can tell you from experience that his pride is deeply injured and he is questioning what he thought that he knew about your marriage. This is painful. You can understand why he’s struggling in the way that he is. You can understand why he is angry and hurt. But, he may not act this way forever. You can help your cause by having patience with him and continuing to stress that you love him and therefore want to take responsibility for your actions. You may need to be patient. You may need to give your spouse time. And, you will likely have to work tirelessly to even get him to consider giving you a second chance. But I don’t think being truthful after a deception is ever the wrong call. It’s the first step toward righting a wrong.

I would have had more respect for my husband if he had told me the truth about his affair.  I can’t guess what might have happened if he had.  But I would have at least have known that he had enough integrity to begin restoring the trust.  We did eventually reconcile but his not coming clean delayed our progress.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who believe that their husband is in love with the other woman with whom he had an affair.  So, the wife thinks that the husband would be happy if he could be with the other woman full time. The wife often believes that if she were to let her husband go or leave him, then this would free him to be with who he believes is his soul mate – the other woman. But very few women would willingly do this, especially those who still love their husbands or are still even remotely invested in their marriages. And so, they stay with their husband and in their marriages. And they remain unhappy. But they console themselves with the fact that their staying means that they husband can’t live happily ever after with the other woman.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband cheated on me with his old fiancé. When I first caught him, he promised to leave her alone. But over time, I caught him with her over and over again. Finally, he said that he just couldn’t pretend anymore. He said that he had always been in love with her and that they were meant to be together. He said that he didn’t want to hurt me and that he wasn’t going to divorce me until I was ready. He said that he wasn’t going to throw me out in the street. He even said that he still felt love for me but that right now, his heart was with her. So I know that he is continuing to see her. And he seems to think that he is very happy. I know that if I moved out or left, he would immediately go and be with her and they would both think that their dreams are finally coming true. But I can’t bring myself to do this. I don’t hate my husband. In general, I wish him the best – as long as it is not with her. I can’t bring myself to allow him to leave me or to leave him when I know that the only thing that is going to happen is that he’s finally going to be allowed to be happy with her. My friend tells me that this is crazy. She said she doesn’t understand why I insist on making us both miserable if I know that he loves someone else. I don’t know how to make her understand. But it’s like I can’t throw in the towel. I can’t just hand him over to her. This is my home. And I don’t feel like I need to just step aside. Am I crazy?”

Goodness, no. I don’t think you’re crazy. This situation is a difficult one. And as a wife who has been cheated on, I completely understand not wanting to give up the life that you have worked so hard to build to a woman who most certainly doesn’t deserve it and did nothing to earn it. I don’t think that many wives would disagree with me. Sure, he may be telling you that he loves her and that she completes him. But how does this change what you feel and what you want? It doesn’t. It has everything to do with his reality. But nothing to do with yours.

It’s Not Impossible That Things Are Going To Eventually Change: I’m going to take this even a step further and tell you that it’s not at all uncommon for a husband to think that he has his soul mate only to see reality a little later. It would not shock me for the relationship to be over within six months and for the husband to wonder how he could have been so stupid. This happens all of the time. The same woman who he couldn’t live without now holds very little appeal to him because he can finally see her for who she is. And he can finally see the relationship for what it was.

Many people who try to give wives in this situation advice don’t consider this. But it’s completely possible that he is suddenly going to want his wife back months from now. That’s not to say that she will decide to take him back. She may not. But this scenario is not impossible.

Your Happiness Matters Too: I think that the more important question here is why she found it acceptable for her to be unhappy. Because when your goal is to stay put and make your husband unhappy (or to thwart him from getting what he thinks he wants) it’s highly likely that you’re not happy either. Your placing a higher priority on controlling him than on your own happiness. I’m not going to tell you to let him go. I’m not going to tell you to give up on your marriage. But I am going to suggest that you stop and think about whether this situation is hurting you as much as you are attempting to hurt him.

I’m not in any way suggesting that you leave your home. I’m just suggesting that you evaluate the situation based on what you want and need rather than on trying to keep him from getting what he wants.  I didn’t leave my husband either.  But my goal wasn’t to stall him.  It was to elevate myself.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who aren’t quite sure how to react to their spouse’s need for “space” after one of them has cheated or had an affair. And, this space can be requested by either spouse. Sometimes, it is the cheating spouse who wants or needs space because he isn’t sure how he wants to proceed or what he truly wants after the affair is out in the open.

From this spouse, I might hear a comment like: “I know that I have really hurt my wife by pulling away and asking her for time. But I wouldn’t ask this of her if I didn’t really need it. I don’t want to hurt her any more than I already have. But at the same time, I can’t really even think without her constantly following me around the house and asking me how I feel and what I want. I have to tell the truth and say that I don’t know what I want yet. I don’t know how I feel. And her being right in front of me and demanding answers just makes everything worse. I need for her to give me some space. But when I mention this, she acts as if she thinks that I am going to cheat again. I don’t have any intention of cheating again. I just need a little time to sort things out. But my wife questions my intentions constantly.”

Other times, the faithful spouse needs space because they just need more time to process this and they feel as if they can’t really do this correctly if they constantly have to look at or interact with their spouse. So, they figure that the whole process would be much easier if they could just spend much more time alone.

From them, you might hear a comment like: “my husband acts like I kicked him out of the house when I caught him cheating. I didn’t. What I did do was ask him to give me a couple of weeks alone. I never said that this was going to be forever. I just need time (without him) to process this. I need some time to be myself to collect my thoughts. Quite frankly, every time I see my husband right now, I feel anger. I don’t want to feel this angry all of the time. It helps me to feel more favorably toward my husband when I don’t have to look at him and I don’t have to constantly hear his questions. Is this so wrong?”

A Need For Space Is Understandable.  But Caution Should Be Used To Avoid Misunderstandings: I don’t think that this is too much to ask in either circumstance. I have seen firsthand that sometimes, a little bit of time after an affair can help to calm down the situation. But it’s vital that you keep the lines of communication open so that there aren’t misunderstandings.  Spell out how it might benefit your marriage moving forward. It’s also important that you check in with and see your spouse regularly. This helps your spouse understand that you aren’t doing anything underhanded and you aren’t asking for the space in order to carry out dishonest deeds.

The Right Way To Ask For Space: A suggested script might be something like: “I want to explain to you why I need a little bit of space. I just need a little bit of time to myself in order to process this and to try to determine what I want moving forward. I am not doing any of this to try to punish you or to do anything dishonest. I am doing this because I feel like I need some time. I feel like if I have uninterrupted time that isn’t influenced by outside sources, I will have a much better chance of coming up with a sound decision and strategy moving forward. I am not doing this to hurt you or to jeopardize our marriage. I am doing this because I think that it will help our marriage. And I do want to stay in regular contact during this so that neither of us is wondering what the other is up to. I want for you to be comfortable with this.”

How To Respond To A Request For Space: If you are the spouse on the other side of this request, it’s important to say what you are really feeling.  If your biggest concern is his fidelity and commitment, then there’s nothing wrong with saying so.  You might say something like: “I hear what you are saying.  I do understand that space can give us both time to calm down.  My concern is that if you are not in our household being reminded of our marriage, you will question your commitment and your infidelity to me.  I am expressing this concern because I want to be completely honest in all aspects of our marriage.  So, we need to set some boundaries and we need to arrange to get together regularly so that I have reassurance.”

If you are the spouse taking spouse, it’s very important that you do precisely what you have said. If you’re trying to save your marriage, it’s vital that your spouse isn’t constantly having to evaluate your motivations or to check up on your actions. Misunderstandings during one spouse taking “space” are extremely common. That’s why keeping in touch and communicating frankly and directly are vital.

And, make sure that you are actually using the space when you take it. If you tell your spouse that you are taking the space in order to come to a decision about your marriage, then this is exactly what you need to do. It’s not often that you have this type of time and distance in order to evaluate so it makes sense to take full advantage of it now. Know that your spouse is likely going to be watching you very closely. Don’t do anything dishonest or not in alignment with what you have told your spouse.

If you are the spouse who didn’t want the spouse, be honest about any reservations or concerns as they come up.  But try to avoid nagging or allowing your insecurities driving your actions. It’s normal to feel uneasy when your spouse asks for space, especially in light of infidelity. But, it can sometimes be beneficial when it is handled correctly. The key is to make sure that you do what you say and that you keep in close contact with your spouse.

My husband and I did live under different roofs for a very short time after his infidelity.  It was actually beneficial.  But I would not have wanted it to last for longer than it did.  If it helps, you can read more about this healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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