Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are very frustrated with the rebuilding process after their husband’s affair. Often, they are grateful that he is willing to make an attempt. But they feel that in order for this to work, both people are going to need to hold nothing back and to be completely honest. And when they suspect that their husband is in fact holding back, this can be very disappointing and frustrating.

In this situation, I might get a comment on my blog like: “when I found out about my husband’s affair, I knew that fixing this was far outside of our capabilities. I knew that we were never going to make it if we didn’t have outside help. After I hounded it him about it for a while, he agreed to go to counseling. I like the counselor but I’m not sure that my husband agrees. Honestly, I feel like he is not being completely honest during our sessions. She will be asking us about our marriage before the affair, and my husband will paint a rosy picture as though everything was perfect. He will then describe me as the perfect wife. It all just rings fake to me. I don’t think that we had an awful marriage by any means. But it certainly was perfect. Because if it had been, why would he cheat on me? I feel like we are sort of wasting our money. What is the point of spending all of the time and money in counseling if he is going to sit there and not be completely honest? And what does his holding back say about his willingness to save our marriage?”

This is a common problem. The cheating spouse will often hold back because he doesn’t want to hurt his spouse and he doesn’t want for it to appear that he is assigning any of the blame onto any one except for himself. And, he may not want for you to feel badly about any aspect of this. To that end, he may not be trying to be deceitful. He’s just trying to put a positive spin on things because he’s motivated to save his marriage. And he doesn’t want for you to think that this is an impossibility.

Also, cheating spouses will often keep the facts close to their chest because they are afraid that if they truthfully answer one question, then it is going to lead to others. They don’t want to be forced to admit all of the sorted details, so they will get into the habit of not revealing all of the facts.

And while you can understand this, it doesn’t help your marriage moving forward. So, it’s important to make him see that his not being completely honest is not helping. If possible, it makes sense to ask your counselor to help you with this. After all, complete honesty is absolutely vital when you are trying to restore the trust. You can’t expect for your spouse to believe that you aren’t going to lie or cheat again if you can’t tell the complete truth now.

You might also try to speak with him very directly about this. You might say something like: “I appreciate your trying to portray me and our marriage as favorable when we’re in counseling, but I don’t feel like we’re getting a complete picture. And if we don’t give her the total truth to work with, then she can’t completely help us. I know that you are probably trying to protect me. But I want our marriage to legitimately work. I want to build a new and healthy marriage. And I don’t feel that we can do that if we’re not presenting the complete truth. As painful as it might be, I need for you to be completely honest with me and with the counselor. I need the truth in every instance. It’s very important to me. Can you do that for me?”

I hope that this conversation turns things around and you get complete transparency moving forward. If not, you may have to keep drawing his attention to it when you hear something come out of his mouth that you know is not completely true. Frankly, when people have affairs, they sort of have to get into the habit of telling untruths. This can be a difficult habit for them to break. But if they know that you are going to call them on it every time they are less than truthful, then they will hopefully eventually learn that they are better off just starting to tell the truth from that point on.

Sometimes, your husband has to gradually come to believe that it is safe to tell the truth.  He needs to see that it is better for him to just come out with it (even when it’s painful) so that it can be dealt with.  If it helps, you can read more about this process for me on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who just do not understand how their husband could be so callous as to leave her and her children to pursue the other woman in an affair. Often, she tries to ask her husband open ended questions in an attempt to understand how he could possibly do something like this.  But no matter how he answers and no matter how hard she tries to understand, she just can not.

I might hear a comment like: “I am so disappointed in my husband. We have been married for eight years. We have two children under the age of five. Seven months ago, my husband began an affair with a coworker. When I found out about it, he not only promised to end the affair, but he quit his job so that I wouldn’t have to worry. I was so relieved. But this only lasted for a short time. A couple of months later, my husband started acting weird again. He finally admitted that he had started up the affair again. This time, when I asked to end it, he refused. A couple of weeks after that, he said that he was leaving me because he was in love with her. He told me that he was sincerely sorry and that he hated himself for doing this, but he explained that he just couldn’t stay away from her. What is wrong with him and all of the other men who leave their children for another woman? It’s such a selfish thing to do.”

I agree that this is an unthinkable action. It lets your family down in so many ways. And I think that wives have such a hard time understanding this because this is just something that we wouldn’t do. Even when we are unhappy in our marriages, we will often stick it out for the sake of our children. When our husbands won’t do the same, this is just so disappointing.

I have some theories as to why a man might leave his family when he’s in the throes of an affair. I’ll explain some of them below, but I’d like to stress that in no way am I making excuses. Because of my own situation, I don’t believe that there is any valid excuse.

Men Aren’t Often Thinking Rationally When They Are Having An Affair: You know the phrase “I wasn’t in my right mind?” Well, I believe that this is applicable during an affair. In order to betray your spouse and yourself, you will often have to act outside of your normal, rational self. Because if you weren’t able to do this, it would be very difficult to carry out your cheating. In a sense, you have to turn off your regular rational thinking and your regular emotions. And this is one way that they are able to leave those who are most important to them. They just aren’t having their normal thought processes. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it may offer some insight as to why they are not acting as they normally would.

They Know That They Can’t Look Into The Eyes Of Their Family Every Day And Continue To Do What They Are Doing: Often, cheating husbands live with a high degree of guilt. Every time they have to come home and see the faces of their children, every time they have to look into the trusting eyes of their spouse, they feel pain and guilt. Many of the cheaters who comment on my blog explain how trying and difficult it is to live this sort of double life. So it becomes clear that he can no longer live in this way. For whatever reason, he isn’t ready or willing to end the affair, so he will take the cowardly route out and move away from his family so that he no longer has to feel guilt every time he has to look at them.

Of course, none of these things are a valid excuse. And even if he does come to back home and pleads for forgiveness, it can be extremely hard for the wife to ever look at him in the same way again. I am not saying that healing is impossible because it’s not. But the husband will probably have a great deal of work to do over a long period of time if he wants to get his family back. It is very important that he prove to his wife that he fully understands how deplorable his actions were. It’s even more important that he has a plan to ensure that this never happens again.

Of course, some men never realize their mistake. Some don’t return to their families, which is even more sad.  Some really want to attempt to return to their families but they are afraid of rejection. But many husbands do realize their mistake and then they try desperately to reason and negotiate with their wife. At that point, the wife has to make a choice as to whether she thinks that her marriage is worth saving or if she thinks that her husband will be able to be rehabilitated. This is a decision that only she can make. But she will often consider his willingness to go to be accountable for his actions and to put safeguards in place so that this doesn’t happen again.

I was extremely disappointed with my husband when he had an affair.  But over time, he was able to prove himself to me again.  And today, I’m glad that I gave us that second chance because his loyalty and rehabilitation made this worth it.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are so frustrated that their husband is keeping his feelings in when he has cheated or had an affair. He might agree to explain how the affair happened. And, he may disclose at least a few of the circumstances surrounding it. He may even do what he’s asked to do as far as saving the marriage is concerned. But, often where he will stop short is when it comes to discussing his feelings. This can be extremely frustrating for his wife who can assume that he just doesn’t care.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband had a four month affair with a woman who was training him for his job. Once the training was over, the woman left the company to go and train another crew. I’m pretty sure that the affair only ended because they couldn’t see each other on a daily basis anymore. My husband didn’t really choose to end the affair. It ended because the job ended. My husband has agreed to try to save our marriage. I very much want to know how my husband feels now. I want to know how he felt about the other woman and what he is feeling for her now. I want to know how he feels about me and our marriage. But he will not talk about any of this. Every time I ask him about his feelings, he sort of shrugs and doesn’t have much to say. Or, he will try to change the subject. Why won’t men who have affairs talk about their feelings?”

I have several theories about why men keep their feelings to themselves in the days and weeks following the discovery of the affair. I will share them now.

He May Not Want To Encourage Your Questions: Most men hate being questioned about the affair. This is a very uncomfortable process and he is often quite embarrassed and ashamed of the answers to your questions. He often looks forward to the day when he won’t have to answer these questions anymore. So when you start asking him about his feelings, he can see this as the passage way to even more questions, which he wants to avoid.

He May Not Have All Of The Answers Because He Isn’t Sure How He Feels: Sometimes men hesitate to share their feelings with you because they aren’t clear about their feelings themselves. They are often feeling quite conflicting feelings. One day they may want to save their marriage without looking back and the next day, they may have doubts about this. So, they may be trying to stall sharing their feelings until they are actually sure as to what their feelings are.

He May See This As A Sign Of Vulnerability And Weakness: As I said before, men are often very embarrassed to be seen as a cheater and as a bad guy.  He doesn’t want for you to see him as less than you saw them before. Often, he doesn’t want for you to know that he is afraid, guilty, hesitant, or ashamed. Because he is afraid that if you even smell a little bit of fear, then you are going to pounce. It’s important for him to see that his sharing his feelings is necessary for you  because until he does this, it appears that he doesn’t trust you, that he doesn’t care, and that he is still hiding things.

He May Not Want To Hurt You Or To Add To Your Doubts: Often, the person who cheated is going to be the person who feels the need to clean up the mess. Since they caused the problem, they may feel the need to posture as if it is all going to be OK. But if they share they are scared, guilty, insecure, or doubtful, then obviously, they are no longer going to be able to successfully insinuate that everything is fine. Instead, you might see that they also have issues that need to be worked through.

How To Get Him To Share His Feelings: Unfortunately, you can’t force him to share his feelings. And often, if you try to threaten or guilt him into this, he will associate even more negative feelings with the whole process. I think that it is helpful to be very open about your own feelings and to keep asking him about his. When he shares anything with you, try to remain calm and receptive. That way, he will feel more comfortable to keep doing it. After a while and once he does it a few times, it won’t feel as uncomfortable any more.

But to answer the question posed, a man isn’t always being deceitful when he doesn’t share his feelings. Sometimes, he is struggling with his feelings as much as you are. And, he doesn’t want to show you how much he is struggling, so he keeps his feelings to himself.

You can heal your own feelings even he is initially hesitant to share his.  If it helps, you can read about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who can’t understand why their spouse would insist on denying an affair that has already been found out. The faithful spouse will often see this as a blatant lie or a fragrant lack of respect. And, they just don’t understand what their spouse might hope to gain by looking like a liar by continuing to deny it.

An example of a comment that demonstrates this is the wife who says: “to be honest, I’ve suspected my husband of an affair for a while. I could just tell there was a difference in the way that he related to me. He was cold to me and seemed completely disinterested in me. Even when he is home, he’s not really here. And he’s been playing a lot of ‘golf’ and doing a lot of ‘client dinners’ which I’ve always suspected is code for him cheating on me. So when I found a text that was obviously from another woman, I wasn’t suprised. But I didn’t confront my husband just yet. I decided to wait until I had more proof. So I looked in his car and found a pair of women’s shoes. At that point, I did confront him. And he had the audacity to deny it. He said that yes, someone from work sent him that text. But receiving a suggestive text doesn’t mean he’s cheating. He claimed that this woman was sending him unwanted advances. And he claimed that he gave a coworker a ride home and that she left her shoes. What kind of nonsense is this? Does he really think I’m that stupid? Why would someone deny cheating when it’s obvious that there is an affair?”

There are a couple of different reasons that this might be happening. I will discuss them below.

He May Be Trying To Buy Time: Sometimes, a person is having an affair but they have no idea where they want to take it. Sometimes, they think they want to end the affair and go back to their marriage. And other times, they think that they might want to pursue the other person. But, they know that once they admit to the affair, they are going to have to make a choice and intention about it. They are going to have to decide if they are going to end the affair or pursue a relationship with the other person. But, if they are able to deny it for a while longer and buy a little time, the hope is that the direction he wants to go will become more clear to him and he can take action at that time – but not now.

He’s Trying To Intimidate You Into Dropping It: People can use many tricks of manipulation to try to get you to think that you are just plain crazy to even raise this suspicion. They will try to convince you that you are seeing things that just aren’t there are that you are wrongly accusing them of something they didn’t do. Looking you in the eye and denying an affair when you have evidence of the same is just one more way to use intimidation and manipulation to throw you off the trial.

The Evidence You’ve Found Isn’t Evidence Of A Full Blown Affair: I want to list this possibility to be fair, but I don’t think that it’s likely. But, sometimes he is denying it because it’s not exactly what you think. Maybe the text does indicate something inappropriate but not a full blown affair. I suppose it is possible. I just don’t think it’s very likely.

So how do you handle this? If you know he is cheating in your gut, then you are probably cheating yourself to pretend that he isn’t. Turning a blind eye is letting yourself down in so many ways.

At the same time, continuing to demand an admission sometimes doesn’t work either. The more you accuse, the more angry he gets and the more he denies. I’d suggest this approach. The next time you have this conversation and he denies it you might say: “we both know that what you are saying isn’t the complete truth. I admit that you are the only one who knows exactly what happened. But please don’t continue to insult my intelligence when the evidence is right in front of me combined with your behavior for the past couple of months. We can’t even begin to deal with this until you tell me the truth. If you can’t even be honest with me, then this tells me that you just don’t care and respect me enough. I need for you to show me that you care enough to do the right thing. I already know. But I want for you to do the honorable thing and take responsibility.”

I can’t promise you that he will suddenly bust out with a confession. Sometimes, you have to keep at him. And, you have to treat him as if you aren’t convinced of his claims. If he sees that you back away the second he denies it, then he is going to keep on denying it. But if he sees that you are treating the situation like infidelity no matter what he says, then he has less of an incentive to continue to lie.

Once he finally admits the affair, you’ll need to focus on healing.  You can find more healing tips on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have made the very reluctant decision to initiate a separation after they have caught their husband cheating or having an affair. Often, the wife does this only as a last resort. She just feels that she needs some time to evaluate this and she doesn’t feel right living as a married couple after the affair. At the same time, she isn’t sure that she wants a divorce. So, she figures the best compromise is to seek a trial separation to give her some time to sort out what she wants.

And while this can seem like the best possible option at the time, there can be a lot of questions about the boundaries that are going to be appropriate and that are going to work. After all, in essence the wife has chosen not to live with her husband at this time, so she wonders what she can reasonably expect from him during the separation, especially as it relates to the other woman.

I might hear a comment like: “I am not sure if I want to divorce my husband because of his affair. I still love him, but I feel that our marriage has been severely damaged. I asked him to leave. I told him that I wanted a separation. He resisted and begged me not to pursue this. I felt that I had to. I felt that if I let him stay knowing that he cheated on me, then I was living a lie. He reluctantly agreed to leave but he was not happy about it and he felt that I had acted harshly and prematurely. The other day, my kids went to visit him. A few days after they came home, one of them mentioned that a lady dropped by but that their father had told her that he was busy. I had a very strong reaction to this and I felt suspicious that he is having the other woman over during our separation. When I mentioned this to my best friend, she told me that I didn’t have the right to ask my husband if he was having her over. She said that since I kicked my husband out of the house, he is living in his own home now and it is the not the business of the separated wife who he has in his own home. Is she right? Do I have any right to ask my husband if the other woman is visiting or staying with him while we are separated?”

My first reaction to questions like this is to wonder what type of friend this really is. Perhaps I am not very objective about this because of my own background. But quite frankly, this couple is still married. They are separated because of the husband’s infidelity. Why in the world would the wife not have the right to know if her husband is still cheating? I personally do not believe that separated couples should see other people when they are separated. I consider this to be even more cheating.

In my view, when you are separated, your are admittedly having marital problems, but you are hoping that the time away from one another will give you the perspective to want to come back together in order to work out your problems. The idea is not that you are going to do something to put a reconciliation in jeopardy because you are still married. If you do not want to still be married, then you would have sought a divorce. The wife had made it clear that she needed time. She made it clear that she wasn’t going to pursue a divorce. So I’m not sure how in the world the husband would have figured having another woman to his home would have been perfectly fine.

With this said, we don’t actually know what happened. We don’t really know who came to the door. We do know that the husband sent whoever the woman was away. So instead of guessing, it might be a good idea to put this out in the open.

You might consider saying something like: “one of the kids mentioned that during his visit, a lady came to your apartment. I am wondering who this lady was. I am hoping that it wasn’t the other woman. Because if it was, that would be grossly inappropriate. I know that we are separated and that I initiated this, but we are still married. I have no intention of seeing anyone else. If I wanted to do that, I would get a divorce first. If you see other women, I would consider that cheating and I am pretty clear on the fact that we won’t be able to save our marriage if there is any one else. So let’s talk about who this was and whether or not she is going to come back.”

He may tell you that it was just a neighbor. You may find it that it was the other woman, but she came by without being invited. It’s very important to let him know that you are going to be watching closely and that you are not going to accept him inviting and having other women to his place. To his credit, he did turn her away. So now you have to get information as to what is going on and you have to set very clear boundaries going forward.

But to answer the question posed, I absolutely think that the wife has every right to want to know if the other woman is visiting his home, even though they are officially separated. They are still married and, if the other woman is visiting, then to me, this is continued cheating.

Healing after an affair is hard enough without having to deal with the other woman.  If it helps, you can read more about my path to healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are dealing with an additional problem concerning their spouse’s affair. As if their spouse’s infidelity wasn’t bad enough, their spouse is still somewhat invested with the other person because of pity or empathy. And it’s not unheard of for the other person to try to play this to their advantage.

An example of this scenario is something like: “my husband cheated on me with a woman who were both trying to help. This woman is a single mother who started coming to our church. Our entire congregation rallied around her. She lost her husband in an accident and she’s struggling to raise her children on her own. So yes, both my husband and I felt sorry for her. But the problem is that he still does and I don’t. She knew that we were married. She knew about my family. And even with this knowledge, she started up a relationship with my husband and she told me and several other people lies in order to keep their a secret. Only a handful of people know about the affair. Most people in our church do not know and they are still reaching out to this woman. I don’t intend to tell everyone. I still want for her children to receive help. But I feel like I have to draw the line. Part of me even wants to leave our church for a while. I don’t want to see her. It hurts me to even have to look at her. And if I express angry thoughts toward the other woman, my husband will recount her sob stories and stress that she really doesn’t have anyone. Well, that’s awful sad. But let her find someone  to help her besides my husband. How do I make him stop feeling so sorry for her?” I’ll try to address this below.

It’s Important That You Take The Focus Off Of Her And Back Onto The You And Your Marriage: It’s very normal to want to come down on the other woman in the hopes that your husband will jump in and agree. It’s normal to want to direct your anger onto her.  Many of us try to engage our husbands in a conversation that outlines all of her flaws. But what we often do not realize at the time is that it really is in our best interest to turn your attention away from her as soon as is possible.

And when your attempt to point out her faults or her shortcomings to your husband, you run the risk of him trying to defend her, especially if she’s down on her luck as this other woman was. Plus, if you seem uncaring, unfeeling, or even petty, your husband may compare you unfavorably to her when none of this is your fault and when your feelings are absolutely normal. That’s why it’s in your best interest to move back toward placing the focus on yourself and on your marriage as soon as you possibly can.

Know That You May Need To Step Away For A Little While: I hesitate to encourage anyone to back away from a place where they receive comfort (like their church.) But in this instance, I didn’t believe that it was in any way beneficial for the wife to have to face this woman on a regular basis. And since it didn’t seem as if the other woman was going to back away (especially since she was receiving so much help,) then perhaps it would make sense for the couple to go to another church or to back away for just a little while. It’s difficult to heal after an affair. But it’s even more difficult when you are constantly confronted with the other person. If there’s anything that you can do to limit your access, then this is usually worth doing.

The wife was concerned that her husband would resist leaving the church. He may well be resistant, but if she backed away and made it clear that she wasn’t changing her mind, then he would have to make a choice as to whether he wanted to go to church alone and bring attention to himself or if he wanted to follow his wife’s lead.

Making Him Understand That Empathy Is Virtuous, But He’s Crossed The Line: No one could deny that the other woman was in a tough situation. I believe that most people would empathize with her, at least where her children and finances were concerned. But that doesn’t negate her behavior in terms of the affair. And that doesn’t give the husband a valid reason for cheating. Her situation should be considered to be completely separate from the infidelity.

Regardless of her situation, the husband needed to make a decision about his marriage and about how he wanted to proceed. If his marriage were important to him and he wanted to attempt to save it, then he needed to cut all ties with the other woman, even considering her tough situation. The fact was, an entire church was rallying around her. She didn’t need the husband’s support. She had plenty of other people to help her. And the husband had enough problems of his own.

So to answer the concern posed, I understand that the other woman was someone who elicited sympathy from others. But, at this point, this couple both needed to leave her problems behind, as they had plenty of their own. And healing their marriage after the affair was an entirely separate issue from the other woman’s problems.  Healing was what needed their undivided attention right now.

I understand that there are two sides to every story.  And I understand that this woman was legitimately struggling.  But I didn’t believe that this should keep the wife from making herself a priority.  The wife was struggling and hurting too. And she too was deserving of some kindness and understanding.  Sometimes, we are more considerate of others than we are of ourselves.  Now was the time for the wife to turn that on kindness onto herself.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: One of the biggest problems that keeps a couple struggling when they are trying to save their marriage after an affair is the presence of the other person. Even though the affair is theoretically over, the threat of the other person somehow remains. Sometimes, this isn’t an accident because the cheating spouse has somehow not made it completely clear that it is over. And other times, it is the other person trying to contact the spouse even when she wasn’t invited to do so. Or, the cause could be a chance meeting that wasn’t planned. Occasionally, the cheating spouse won’t mention the continued contact. But when the faithful spouse finds out about it, a lot of hurt and doubt can be the result.

People sometimes ask me if their spouse needs to report back when he runs into the other person. And, if he omits any communication between them, isn’t that lying? Isn’t that showing continued betrayal and dishonesty at a time when you need it the most?

I might hear a comment like: “my husband cheated on me with a woman with whom he went to high school. She lived far away and out of state for the past several years. But she recently moved back into town. She started hanging out with some of my husband’s old friends, which is how they came face to face again and how the affair started. My husband tried his best to hide this from me but he didn’t count on the fact that one of the women in their group of friends would feel guilty and would tell me. As soon as I confronted him, he said that he would end the affair. And, as far as I know, he did. Things went OK for a while. My husband was no longer going out and was staying home with me. We worked hard on reconnecting and we had started to see some real progress. A couple of weeks ago, my husband asked if he could go out with some guy friends who had nothing to do with that old group. I didn’t feel like I could say no because I felt that he would be resentful if I did. A couple of nights after he went out with them, I saw a text from the other woman. She said that she was so happy to see him out again and she hoped to see him again soon. Of course, I confronted my husband because I was very angry. He said that he happened to see her out and that it wasn’t an arranged meeting. It was just chance. He claims he never promised that he would see her again. And he asked if I expect him to report back to me every time he runs into her as this is a small town and he may run into her from time to time. The thing is, I do expect for him to tell me when he communicates with her so that I don’t have to catch him in a text message where she’s obviously trying to set up a meeting between them. At this point, I don’t even know if I believe his story. Am I wrong to expect full accountability? I don’t want to act like his mom. But I feel like this is a special circumstance. ”

I have to say that I completely agreed with this wife. Granted, I am not very objective. I too have gone through this situation and I know how awful it feels when you worry that your husband is going to go behind your back once again. I honestly feel that if he really wants to restore the trust, then he needs to start telling the truth in every instance. And that means telling the truth all of the time without fail.

If the husband were to put himself in the wife’s shoes, he would have wanted to know that little detail about seeing the other person out. And a reasonable person would have to agree that his neglecting to tell her about this raises the question of why he would want to keep it from her. I am not saying that he had any intention of pursuing meeting the other woman again. But, anyone could see that this might certainly be a possibility in the other woman’s mind.

But to answer the original question posed, it is my opinion that your spouse does need to tell you when he has contact with the other person. And I would hope that when and if he does, this is rare and he is reporting coincidental contact that definitely wasn’t planned. Restoring the trust is vital if you are going to not only save your marriage, but you are going to restore a happy and healthy marriage. You can’t expect to restore the trust if you know that the spouse who was keeping secrets before isn’t telling you the truth now.

So, I think you have the right to directly tell him this isn’t acceptable. You might say: “I don’t want to be your mother. But you have to understand why I need to know if you have any contact with her. Finding out about it from someone other than you makes me feel as if I can’t fully trust you. It makes me feel like I have to worry when we aren’t together and that is not the way that I want to conduct our marriage. In order to heal, there can be no secrets between us. I would have felt so much better about this situation if you would have come home and told me. Now, not only am I hurt by it, but I also feel betrayed. If you had told me, I would have been hurt, but I would have known that you were doing the right thing by telling me the truth. I need for you to do better next time.”

Hopefully, once he sees that you expect more from him, he will deliver more. And he will no longer put himself in a situation where he has to run into her.  It’s important that he learn not to put himself in any situations that can turn out like this.  If it helps, you can read more about healing after infidelity on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who are extremely frustrated that their husband is telling them that he wants to save his marriage and that he has ended the affair and yet, they are finding clear and distinct evidence that he is in phone contact with the other woman.

So, understandably, the wife will want to come up with a way to put a stop to this once and for all. Since the husband most definitely hasn’t earned the trust back, she doesn’t want to give him any leeway in which he can keep in contact with the other woman. And, she wants reassurance that he couldn’t contact her even if he wanted to. One way that she might try to attempt this is to block the other woman’s phone number.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband promised that he would end things with the other woman. I really wanted to believe that he was telling me the truth, but I had my doubts. I have read their emails and texts. And I know that he was making claims to be in love with her. I also know that a great deal of deception went into the relationship.  So frankly, I don’t much care what he claims. And that is why I went and looked at the call history on his cell phone and on our home phone. And guess what I found? Her phone number. At this point, I am thinking that I am going to contact both the home phone and the cell phone companies and block her phone number. WIll this keep him from contacting her?”

I wish that I could give you a definite yes. I wish I could tell you that if you took this simple step, then they would never be in contact again, she would stay out of your lives, and you would only have to worry about saving your marriage. I so wish I could tell you that, but I wouldn’t be being truthful to you if I did.

That’s not to say that a man who really wants to comply with his wife’s request won’t be more motivated to do so when he knows that the other woman can’t easily contact him. I’m not telling you that taking this step won’t be a deterrent because I think that it might be.

But I also have to tell that if a man wants to continue to be deceptive and he wants to communicate with the other woman, he can most definitely do that without much trouble. He could go somewhere and call her. He could call her from work. (After all, it is her number that is blocked, not his.) He could email her from work. They could contact each other through social media. They could chat on their computers. Or, he could simply go and see her if phone contact is taken away from him. Sure, he may have to work a little harder with these options. But, if he really wants to be in contact with her, you can bet that he will find away in the same way that he found a way before.

So where does that leave you? Well, as someone who has been there and someone who has seen how difficult it is to work through this without another person in the picture, I can tell you that it is in your best interest to let him legitimately choose to stay away from her. If you pressure him, threaten him, or follow him around, he is only going to try to get around you or resent you, at least much of the time.

You might be asking yourself how you get him to make this choice on his own. It isn’t always easy. Deep down, he has to want to. But, you can do a couple of things to encourage him. The next time you see the phone number, you can say something like: “I see that you have been in contact with her again. You told me that you would not. So, you are not being truthful. I thought that we had agreed to save our marriage. But in order to do that, the affair has to be over. That means that we won’t be able to work on our marriage right now. I can’t participate in this with you. So you will have to let me know when it is really and truly over because obviously you are not at that point right now. I am going to spend my time healing and working on myself. I can’t spend my time on healing this marriage until it is a legitimate marriage with only two people in it. I trust that you will let me know when the affair is really over and she is really out of our lives.”

Another thing that you can do is to let him know that you are going to be following up on every claim that he makes to you. In other words, if he isn’t where he says he is supposed to be, the question is why. It’s not in your best interest to turn a blind eye when something doesn’t make sense to you. By no means am I telling you to be combative or to pick a fight, but your husband must know that you are watching him closely and that you are going to catch it when he tries to lie to you.

But to answer the question posed, unfortunately, I don’t think that blocking her number is going to make him break off contact with her if that isn’t legitimately what he wants to do. The key then, is to encourage him to make the decision that avoiding her and cutting off contact is legitimately his intention and what he is going to do.

My husband willingly stayed away from the other woman but that was only one of many issues that we had to work through.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who truly want to see if it’s possible to save their marriage after their spouse’s affair. However, quite understandably, they have a good deal of doubt as to whether or not this is going to be possible. One of their biggest concerns is whether their husband still loves them and is still attracted to them. And, a husband will usually claim that he is. But the wife isn’t about to just take his word for this. After all, the whole affair was a deception, so what is to stop him from lying now? In order to get reassurance from these doubts, the wife will often look for displays of affection and then will try to evaluate how it feels when she is receiving them. Unfortunately, the husband can sometimes have difficulty offering these displays of affection, which can feed right into the wife’s doubts.

I might hear a comment like: “I really want to make my marriage work after my husband’s affair. But I have all of these little voices in my head telling me that he doesn’t love me enough and that he doesn’t really want to be with me. I know that I am thinking negatively because I don’t want to be hurt again. I understand this. However, I look to my husband to help me overcome these fears. I need for him to physically take me in his arms and be affectionate to me. I have to admit that my husband’s never been comfortable with public displays of affection, but I need for him to step outside of his comfort zone and do this for me. I’ve tried telling him this and then he will very stiffly give me a hug when he has a pained look on his face. Part of me feels like it’s almost as if I’m asking him to do something distasteful. And this just worries me that much more. I want it to feel natural for him to love me. I want for him to want to touch, hug, and kiss me. I don’t want for this to be a chore for him. Why does my husband find it so hard to show me physical and loving affection after his affair?”

There are many reasons that you might be seeing this. I will discuss them below.

He May Be Afraid Of Rejection: Many wives worry that this means that their husband doesn’t find them physically attractive or  that he doesn’t really want to be with them. These concerns are understandable, but they don’t always have to be true. Sometimes, he does feel loving and physically affectionate toward you, but he also worries that perhaps because of his actions, he doesn’t really have this right. So even if he wants to be affectionate, he will subconsciously back away. He’s often scared that you were recoil at his touch.

If this is your reality, you can often address this by reaching out to him. I know that this doesn’t seem fair. But hopefully, once he sees that you actually welcome and want his affection, then he will be more likely to take the initiative once he accepts that you aren’t going to reject him.

He Feels Guilty And This May Lead Him To Worry That He’s Ruined Everything: Many couples know that the affair might severely challenge or even end their marriage. And they know that there is a lot is at stake when you attempt to by physical again. There’s a big fear that the spark is going to be gone. And, as a result, you’re going to realize that even though you’re really motivated to save your marriage, it just might not be possible. This puts a lot of pressure onto an already difficult situation.

And this can make your husband feel even more anxious and guilty than he already feels. When he attempts to show you affection and it doesn’t feel exactly as he hoped, he might recoil and feel a fresh dose of guilt and think that this is all his fault. Of course, now you have his doubts which are adding onto your doubts and that only feeds this unfortunate cycle.

One way around this is to make it clear to your husband that you are fully aware that things aren’t going to be perfect. It’s important that you both vow to move forward anyway. When you are trying to recover from an affair, you need to realize that things might feel awkward or forced. This is natural and understandable. It doesn’t mean that you don’t still love each other or that you will never get the spark back. It might just mean that it’s going to take a little more time and effort.

I hope this article has shown you that seeing your husband struggle with showing his affection might not mean that he doesn’t love you or that he doesn’t truly want to save your marriage. He likely is experiencing the same doubts and fears that you are experiencing. But, his may even be magnified a little bit because he knows that all of this is his fault. So he has guilt laid on top of everything else.

Sometimes, you just need to be patient, you need to keep communicating, and you need to keep plowing forward anyway. When you do this, things typically eventually get better. But if you quit trying or give up, then they can’t get better.

I have no problems admitting that we struggled with physical affection early on.  This was discouraging, but many people told us to stay the course and I’m glad that we did.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who feel as if they have dodged a serious threat to their marriage. They have ended the affair and they have worked very hard to strengthen their marriage. And things appear to be going well. However, try as they might, they just can’t stop experiencing very troublesome feelings for the other person.

I might hear a comment like: “I made the huge mistake of cheating on my spouse last year. My husband found out about it from the other man. They go to the same gym. And the other man really likes my husband as a person. He felt incredibly guilty and said he couldn’t live with himself unless he came clean and told the truth. My husband immediately confronted me and I admitted to everything. I don’t want to jeopardize my family. We have two children and although I don’t think that my husband would fight me for custody, I just don’t want to take any chances and I know that my children are better off with their parents together. So, I told my husband that I would end the affair and I did. My husband very willingly went to counseling and things are slowly improving. I feel that in many ways, our marriage is being strengthened by this and I’m quite grateful that this is the case. I feel like we are making progress and I am so grateful to have the type of spouse who is not going to throw our marriage away because I was so stupid. So I have a lot of things to be grateful for and there are a lot of positive things to look forward to. You would think that everything would be moving along and that I wouldn’t have too much to worry about, but you’d be wrong. My problem is that I can not stop thinking about the other man. I still love him. I honestly do. I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s really a stand up guy. Not many people would confess to the husband just because it was the right thing to do. He knew that he would lose me and yet he still did the right thing. He’s a good person and I feel very drawn to him. I don’t think that I will ever stop loving him. And part of me feels that this is never going to be fair to my husband. What can I do?”

Why I Think It’s Too Soon To Make These Types Of Calls: I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but it’s way too soon to be declaring that you won’t ever stop loving this guy. The emotions are still running too high and the feelings are still too fresh. Not only that, but not enough time has passed in order to completely return the loving feelings to your marriage. It’s for these reasons and many more that I think that it would be a potential mistake to throw away a marriage which is recovering quite well just because of something that you are theorizing might happen.

Instead, consider giving this whole process a change to be complete. This process can take a good while. I am not telling you that you don’t still feel love for this other man because you absolutely might. But what I am telling you if that you do have a choice as to how you react to these feelings. You can choose to feel the feelings but to move on with your family anyway, or you can choose to act on these feelings and jeopardize your family all over again.

Why Jeopardize Your Family Again By Not Giving This Enough Time?: I will admit that I am not very objective about this because I see things from the side of the faithful spouse, as this was my reality in my own life. But I also know from my own experience and from the stories I hear from other people that your marriage can completely recover and improve to the point where you shudder to think that you ever jeopardized this now happy and fulfilling relationship. I believe that it is absolutely possible to fall in love with your spouse again and to realize that the feelings of love that you thought you had are nothing but a mirage brought on by the excitement and the novelty of the affair.

I am just suggesting that you consider continuing to move forward. By your own admission, things are going well with your marriage and you are very fortunate to have the resources and the willing spouse that is going to allow for this to happen. Why jeopardize this by dwelling (or acting) on perceived feelings that may fade in a very short amount of time? I know that this is probably a painful and confusing time, but I would encourage you to stay the course with your husband and your family. You may find that in the very distant future, the feelings are a memory just the affair is.

I firmly believe that feelings for the other person often do fade or prove to never have been there are all.  It’s also my opinion that it’s easier to tell yourself the feelings were real than to own up to the size of the mistake.  I don’t mean to be insensitive.  I know that an affair hurts every one.  But I also know that healing is possible.  If you’d like to read more about healing, please visit my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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