Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are trying any number of strategies to get their cheating husband to come home. Often, they first try to appeal to his sense of right and wrong. Then, they may appeal to his sense of commitment. Or, they may try to get him to remember the history that they have together. But when these things aren’t completely effective and their husband still resists coming home, then they may consider using the only bargaining chip that they still have – the children.

After all, few people will argue that having two parents together, married, and living in the same house is the best thing for children. Hardly anyone will argue with this logic. And you can’t blame the wife for trying to draw the husband’s attention back to his family.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband left me to go and be with the woman with whom he is cheating. I can tell that he has doubts about this. Sometimes, when he calls me he will sigh deeply and make a comment like ‘I hope that I’m not making a mistake.’ So I know that he has some doubts about what he is doing. And I know that he misses our children desperately. Last night, he came over to spend time with the kids and when he left, he hugged me and said that he missed our family and that it was killing him to be away from our children. Then he paused at the doorway like he didn’t want to leave. I almost think that he wants to come back home. But I also think that if he does, it’s because of the kids. Is it OK to start with him only coming home for the kids, as long as he comes home?”

I can tell you my opinion as a wife and mother who has gone through this. I am not a mental health professional or a marriage counselor. Like most people, I do believe that having their family together is the best thing for children. You couldn’t convince me other wise. And you could never convince me that having a father move out and live with another woman isn’t devastating to a child. I agreed with the wife that getting the family back together was the ultimate outcome. However, my agreement stopped there.

And the reason for this is because I don’t think that it’s wise to use your children as the only weapon that you have in getting him back. Here’s why. If he only comes back because of the kids, then it’s my observation that you’re leaving your marriage very vulnerable. If he’s only returning home because of the children, this means that you’re basing the entire thing on the children while paying no attention to the marriage. Having two parents living in a home with a marriage that is struggling and ready to crumble at any time isn’t the idea family situation either.

To me, the best case scenario is working on your marriage until it is advisable for him to come home, while also encouraging a healthy and liberal relationship with the children in the meantime. I know that this isn’t what you want to hear. But frankly if he comes back before you do any work, you will likely worry that he is going to cheat again because in your mind, he’s only there for the kids and not for you. And this will likely manifest itself in additional problems for your marriage – which isn’t all that great for your kids either.

My best suggestion would be to continue to encourage him to see the children often. When he does, you can see what happens between the two of you. If he expresses genuine remorse and wants to come home, then I would delay this until you do some rehabilitation and healing. You can see each other and bond while you are going through this process. But it’s important that you work very hard on healing because your marriage is very likely to be quite vulnerable due to the cheating. If he comes home before healing and before rehabilitation, then there’s a risk of him cheating again or of the reconciliation failing.  This sort of roller coaster ride of getting back together and breaking up again is very confusing for kids.  So it makes sense to ensure that any reconciliation is going to last.

But to answer the question posed, I don’t know if he will come home for the children. But I do know that if he does, you should do everything in your power to repair your marriage. Because while having both parents is best for children, having both parents in a happy and secure marriage is the optimal solution.

My own children were my primary concern after my husband’s affair.  They were also the motivating factor that encouraged me to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have a husband who is trying to turn the tables on them after his cheating. Typically, the husband is the one who had the affair. And the wife has every right to be suspicious of him moving forward. But this doesn’t matter because all of a sudden the husband is suspicious of his wife and acts as if the thinks that she will cheat on him, perhaps in retaliation for his own cheating.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband had a three month affair with his sister’s best friend. I found out about it from his sister and I demanded that he end the affair immediately. He did this. But now he’s acting as if he suspects me of wrongdoing. I go out with my friends a lot now. I don’t necessarily want to go out with my husband or even stay home with him. I’m not sure what I want to happen with my marriage. I will admit that I’ve been avoiding my husband. But when I go out with my friends, it’s all innocent. I just want to have a girl’s night out and escape my problems for a while. But when I get home, my husband accuses me of being with other men. He says that he just knows that I’m going to cheat to get back at him. He says that he just knows that I am hiding something. I’m not hiding anything. I have no intention whatsoever to cheat. I think that people who cheat lack integrity and are liars. I would never put myself in that category. And I very much resent my husband saying these things and acting as if he has a reason to be suspicious of me when he absolutely does not. I almost feel as if he is trying to take the attention off of him and turn it around on me. Not only is this not fair, but it absolutely infuriates me. How do I handle this?”

I think that this wife was probably right in her assumption that the husband was trying to take the heat off of himself. That is very common. Sometimes, he is not even aware that he is doing this. All he knows is that it’s painful to have to stand up and take responsibility for his affair. He also knows that he probably wouldn’t blame you if you were to figure out that you can do better than him and cheat in retaliation. This can be true even if he is well aware that you are not normally the type of person who would cheat.  I know this first hand.

Understand What Is Motivating Him: Frankly, this behavior is based on fear. He knows that this is all his fault. He knows that what he has done is wrong. And he knows that you would be well within your rights to cheat on him. Also, he often acts this way when he knows that you are desirable to other men and that any other man would be lucky to have you (and perhaps more worthy of you also.) But, even if you understand why he’s doing this, none of that makes it fair or more bearable. You have every right to address this and to put a stop to it. Now, I will discuss what you might do about it.

Directly Addressing The Issue: Many wives will handle this by angrily denying that they are doing anything wrong and demanding that he stop with the accusations. Sometimes, this will only get him fired up even more. So I think it is worth it to try to address this in a direct and calm way and without all of the anger and energy.

So the next time he gives you one of his accusations, you might respond with something like: “we need to talk about this right now. This isn’t the first time you have accused me of inappropriate behavior or perhaps even cheating. I am going to say this one more time and then I don’t want it brought up again. I am not cheating on you. I have no intention of cheating on you. I know that you are acting this way because you don’t know what’s going to happen with our relationship. I don’t know what’s going to happen either. But I do know that I wouldn’t begin a relationship with another man until I ended the relationship with you. It’s just not in my make up to cheat. And seeing how hurtful this whole process is, I would never add to it by adding another incidence of cheating on top of what we are already experiencing. If I want to see someone else, I will tell you because I will end the relationship first. I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow. But I do know that these accusations aren’t doing anything at all to help us. All this does is add more negativity to a tough situation. So please stop this. Take the energy that you are spending accusing me and put that energy into making our marriage better so that neither one of us has to worry about cheating again.”

You may have to repeat this conversation a couple of different times in a couple of different ways before he finally stops. And you may have to bring his attention to this a couple of more times before he finally believes that you aren’t going to accept these accusations. Once he sees that there are negative consequences for this and that it is not going to alter your behavior and might actually make things worse, he will have more incentive to stop.

I know that this is very frustrating.  But keep your chin up and know that you haven’t done anything wrong.  And, stand your grand.  Don’t let him take your attention away from what really matters, which is your own healing.   If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I can’t think of any time in my life where I was in as much pain as when my husband had an affair. I can’t imagine that it would get much worse than this, unless that same husband refused to end the affair. Unfortunately, I hear from many wives in this situation. They find out that their husband has been cheating and they assume that he will agree to end it and to pick up the pieces. When he doesn’t do this and insists that he “needs time” to end in the affair, then it is almost like rubbing salt into an extremely painful wound.

Comments that you might hear in this situation is something like: “I actually found out about my husband’s affair from his best friend. He has known my husband since they were children. But once my husband and I got married, this man became a close friend of mine as well. This man didn’t want to betray my husband, but he felt that he owed it to me to tell the truth. And, as much pain as I am in, I will always be grateful for that. My husband didn’t even attempt to deny the affair when I confronted him. He confirmed it and I asked him what we were going to do moving forward. He said that he wasn’t sure because he could not just abruptly break things off. I asked him why in the world he couldn’t just end the relationship at that very moment and he said that he ‘needed time’ because he had developed real feelings for the other woman. And that he said he ‘needs time’ to evaluate what he wants to do moving forward. Well, I don’t think that he deserves time. If he loved me and if this marriage was important to him, then he should be able to decide in an instant to end the affair. I am floored that he is refusing to do this. My question is how much time should I give him to end the affair? My instinct is telling me to give him a week, but my best friend said that I should not give him any time at all. She says that I should tell him to either pick me immediately or to leave and never come back. She said that if he really loves me, then he should be able to make that choice immediately. Who is right? How much time should I give him? It hurts me so much to know that he is going to be with her.”

Before I give you what is only my opinion, I have to say that I am not a therapist. This is probably a question best suited for a professional who has some knowledge of the couple. But as a woman who has been through this, I can share my opinion. If my opinion rings false for you or you don’t share my thinking, feel free to reject it.

With all of this said, it’s my experience and observation that ultimatums such as this never work quite right. Sure, you may get his attention momentarily and he may even agree to end the affair because he feels forced to do so. But it may not stick because he didn’t willingly make this decision himself. And he may resent you or be angry at you for forcing this. He may even tell you that he has ended it while he still sees or communicates with the other woman behind your back because he feels forced to do so.

None of these scenarios are ideal. So what can you do besides continuing to be in pain while you are waiting for him to take up his mind? Well, you can turn on the pressure in your own way. You can let him know that while he is making up his mind, you won’t be accessible to him, as he might expect a spouse to be. Because really, how can you participate in a marriage when there is someone else involved in it? You aren’t likely to make any true progress toward healing your marriage until she has left it. But, in order to get the best result, that decision should be his. And it is a decision that is best made by him and him alone.

So you might respond with something like: “I’m not sure why you would need time to decide to do what is right. I find this very disappointing and perhaps it gives me information about your commitment to our marriage. While you are making up your mind, I will be working on myself as an individual. I can’t fully participate in our marriage if I don’t know it’s outcome and if I doubt your commitment to it. So I can’t force you to make up your mind in any certain time frame. But what I can tell you is that while you are making up your mind, I won’t be actively participating in our marriage. I can’t put any faith in you if you won’t put that faith into our marriage, make a commitment to me, and do what is right. So let me know when you come to a decision. Until then, I’m going to be on my own working on myself.”

Of course, it goes without saying that this usually means no physical intimacy and affection. Because what incentive would he have to end the affair if he is getting what he wants from both women? However, if you limit his access to you while he is making this decision, then he will have much more motivation to end it because there is a consequence for him making a prompt decision.

So to answer the question posed, I think that I would try this approach before I gave an ultimatum or a time deadline. Because the best case scenario is for him to willingly decide to end the affair.

Ultimately, your own healing doesn’t need to be dependent upon his actions.  You can work on your own recovery at any time without waiting for him.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from women who are somewhat embarrassed by the fact that they are still in love with the husband who has not only betrayed them, but also has momentarily chosen the other woman over them. This often makes the wife quite angry with herself and she wonders how she could be so silly as to yearn after a man who has repeatedly proven that he is not worthy of that same love.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband told me that he was having an affair with someone who had become very important to him. At first, I guess I didn’t understand how serious this really was. I guess I assumed that he would end the relationship so that we could save our marriage. But I soon learned that this was a hasty assumption on my part. A few weeks after his confession, my husband told me that he was having trouble making up his mind between the two of us. I really couldn’t believe this. I have been with my husband for ten years. We have so much history together. He has only known this other woman for six months. But he claims that he feels so strongly about her that he can’t imagine his life without her. Two weeks ago, he told me that he had decided that he wanted to be with her and that he had plans to move out in the future. I know that I should be angry about this. I know that I should kick him out and tell him not to come back. But instead, I find myself begging him to stay. I still love him. I don’t want to give him up. I am so ashamed of my behavior. I am a strong woman. I would be fine on my own. But I don’t want to give up this man or my marriage. And this is true even though he has betrayed me and made it clear to me that he doesn’t want me any more and that he has chosen a young woman who he barely knows over me. What is wrong with me? Why would I still love or want a man like this?”

I really felt for this wife. She was being so hard on herself and none of this was her fault. What she was having was a very normal, and a very understandable, reaction. She had been with this man for ten years. It’s not realistic to think that you are going to stop loving that man the second after he makes a mistake or shortly after you feel rejected.

And honesty, I find that most people will initially want to see if they can save their marriage before they make the decision to end that long term relationship. So when you’re denied this process, it’s only normal to feel like you have been cheated twice. It’s totally natural to want to fight when something that you love dearly has been taken away from you. This doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you. Or that you have low self esteem. Or that you are in the habit of allowing people to walk all over you or take advantage of you. It means that you don’t want to give up something that is so important to you so easily and this is understandable. With this said, you don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you aren’t considering your own best interest and health. So with that in mind, I’ll now offer some tips on how you might balance your still loving him with your own self care.

You Don’t Have To Completely Give Him Up If You Take A Break To Evaluate What Is In Your Best Interest: I have to caution you that sometimes when you get in a situation like this, your emotions can run away with you. And you can get caught up in the drama of this. Frankly, if he has made a decision to be with her, there’s often little that you can do about it in the short term. You’re usually going to have to let him find out for himself that he has made a mistake. You don’t want to disrespect yourself by continuing to reach out to him when he’s not been respectful to you.

And sometimes, giving this process a break will actually improve it. Many wives find that when they back away, their husband eventually becomes interested again. My suggestion would be to give this situation a short break. Focus on yourself. Take very good care of your own needs and put yourself first. Surround yourself with people who will support you and love you. None of this means that you have to stop loving him, but it might mean that you don’t love the situation and as a result, you’re going to focus that focus on yourself.

Your husband might ask you why you’ve had a change of heart. It’s really up to you as to whether you want to answer this question, but if you do, you may consider telling him that he’s made his wishes clear and that it’s clear that right now, your best course of action is to work on yourself and on your own healing. Always maintain your dignity and grace. That way, when the affair ends (as it often will) you will know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. And you will know that your behavior was something that you can be proud of even if your husband can’t say the same.

Many people ask me when or if they will eventually stop loving their husband. The answer will typically depend upon how this situation plays out. Some husbands do end the affair and go back to their marriages. And some do not. What I think is important here is to love yourself as much as you love him and then act accordingly. If he’s with someone else for now, you can’t act on that love in a healthy way anyway. So work on yourself and your own healing first and then wait and see what happens with the rest.

Sometimes, when situations like this get bad, you have to place your focus on the person on whom you can depend the most – yourself.  Your healing is truly the most important thing right now.  If it helps, you can read about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By:Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are not only dealing with insecurities about themselves and their own desirability after their husband’s affair, they are also having the worry about their husband still thinking about (or longing after) the other woman. They worry that this means that he’s not ever going to truly be happy at home. And that he’s always going to think that she is the one that got away, and the one who he would truly want if only things were different.

I might hear a comment similar to this one: “my husband cheated on me with a woman who was a little younger and perhaps a lot prettier. I know that he still thinks about her. In fact, he doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he still thinks about her. But he has promised to stay with me because of our kids. And I believe that he is trying to be a good husband and to make our marriage better. I honestly believe that he does love me. He just may not lust after me in the same way that he lusts after her. But I believe that we have a compelling history and I know that he is committed to our family. I know that I should try to be happy with this. But knowing that he is always remembering her bothers me so much. It’s like I can never really have peace or enjoy my husband because she is always between us. I want him to forget about her. I have even tried to dig up dirt on her to prove to my husband that she isn’t as great as he thinks. But it hasn’t worked. I catch him having a far away look on his face all of the time and I know that he is thinking of her. It makes me so fearful and sad. Is there any way that an everyday wife can make a man forget about the affair who he thinks was his dream woman?”

So many things about this make me sad. But most of all, it saddens me that this wife saw herself as less than the other woman. It was almost as if she were conceding that the other woman had something that she didn’t or that the other woman already had her beaten. When you have this attitude, not only can you be wrong, but you can project that attitude onto your husband, which is actually the last thing that you want.

Who is to say that this woman has anything that you don’t? Who is to say that she is more desirable? The thing is, you can’t “get,” “make,” or “force,” your husband to do anything. But you can set up the situation to encourage him to do many things. I will offer some suggestions on how to do this below.

If You Believe That You Are Worthy Of A Man’s Affection, Attention And Lust, Then He Will Usually Believe It Too: I hope that what I’m about to say doesn’t sound insensitive. I don’t mean it in that way. I’m saying it because I want to help you get what you want. In a sense, you are trying to sell an image to your husband. You want for him to see you as sexy, playful, and alluring. But when you have already described yourself as a common housewife, this is going to be a difficult sell. In no way am I saying that you should not be yourself or that you should pretend to be what you are not.

What I am saying is that you have to believe in your own worth. You have to look at yourself in the mirror with love and appreciation. You have to see your assets and either ignore your faults or fix them until you are satisfied with them because they make you unique and they make you who you are. I can’t overstate how important this is. Because if you don’t see yourself as beautiful, sexy, and alluring, then you can’t project this so that your husband believes it. I believe that one of the most important things that you can do in this situation is to the self work that is going to be necessary to significantly boost your confidence. Because few things are as sexy as woman who knows that she is sexy. And this wife wasn’t there yet.

Focus On Your Marriage And On Rebuilding Your Relationship And Take The Focus Off Of Her: I understood why this wife felt the need to point out the negatives of the other woman. But honestly, most of the time, placing your focus on her is the absolute worst thing that you can do. As much as possible, you want to place your focus away from her. Yes, you will need to talk about the affair. Yes, you will have to explore and fix those issues. But as much as you can, you don’t want to keep bringing the conversation back to what was so special and alluring about her. You want to let her go so that your husband can do the same.

The focus should be on strengthening your marriage and your bond. When you can successfully rebuild your marriage and get the intimacy and the sexual chemistry back, then he is going to be much more likely to place his focus where it should be – on you and on your marriage. As often as possible, place your focus where it should be and he will eventually follow.

The more time that passes and the harder you work on your marriage, the more the memory of her will lose its hold on him. Plus, often with time, men come to realize that the other woman wasn’t what he thought and he’ll see that the attraction was more about what she represented to him rather than who she truly was. Since these things weren’t real anyway, they will generally fade with time.

I used to spend way too much time pondering the other woman until I realized that by doing this, it was almost like the affair was still happening.  And I wanted her out of my life so I really and truly so let her go.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are not at all buying their spouse’s excuse for cheating when the two of them were living apart. Often, jobs, responsibilities, or circumstances outside of their control mandate that they have to live separately for awhile. Often, there was no clear understanding that these living arrangements meant that the marriage was ending or that the couple was separated. This misunderstanding can become really important when one of the spouses cheats and relies on the living situation as justification.

A comment that you might hear in this situation is something like: “my husband was laid off last year. We held on for as long as we could, but we were at risk of losing our home after about six months of unemployment. My husband was offered a temporary job out of state and we really had no choice but for him to take it. Housing and food are included in his salary so everything that he was making could be sent home. Well, one day recently, he texted me and it was clearly a text that was not meant for me. He accidentally texted me an email that was meant for the woman he has been cheating on me with. When I confronted my husband, he said that we were as good as separated since we hardly ever see one another and are no longer living together. He said that he was lonely and that I shouldn’t blame him. I was stunned by this. I am obviously well aware of our living situation. But I just saw it as something that we had to do. Our marriage did go through a rough period because of the stress of never having enough money. But I never thought that we were on the verge of breaking up. And I never considered myself to be separated. I honestly thought that once his temporary job was over, he would come home and we would resume our married life since we would now get to keep the house. Now, my husband is alluding to the fact that he might just stay where he is. I’m floored and enraged by this. To me, this is cheating, the same way it would be cheating if we lived together. I certainly wouldn’t cheat on my husband just because he wasn’t living with me. Where do we go from here?”

I certainly can give an opinion on this, but I can’t make a decision about moving forward, as this is a decision that only the couple themselves could make. What ultimately happened in the future was going to depend upon what they both wanted moving forward. The husband had indicated that he may stay put in his new home, but this could honestly be posturing. He may have said that just to put in the wife in the position to be begging him to come home.

Before she did that, she needed to ask herself what she really wanted for both the short and the long term. Regardless of the circumstances that surrounded this, I felt (and I think the wife also felt) that this was still cheating.
Regardless of whether the husband was lonely, he still needed to take responsibility for this.

At some point, the couple would need to decide what they wanted to happen with their marriage. And, if they did stay together, they would probably need to reevaluate the temporary job situation. It would be very difficult to save your marriage when you weren’t living together and when you were worried that, because of the distance, your husband was going to get lonely and cheat again.

I think that they might consider the husband coming home for a while as the first course of action. They weren’t going to be able to talk in any meaningful way if they were apart and not physically in front of one other. Once he came home, it would probably be easier for the wife to obtain more information and easier for both of them to determine what happened next.

In my opinion though, recovery for this situation would be like recovery for any affair or any cheating. You must restore the trust, complete rehabilitation, and rebuild the marriage. I don’t think that there are any short cuts or exemptions just because the husband was away. Many spouses cheat when traveling on business and they have to work very hard to save their marriage just like the spouse who cheated while living under the same roof.

Sure, his being away was likely a vulnerability that would not have been present if his job loss hadn’t forced him to take a job in another state. And this was unfortunate and not the husband’s fault. However, all marriages go through stressors. And part of that commitment to your marriage is being faithful in times when it is easy and in times when it is difficult.

The wife might take the difficult circumstances in consideration when deciding if she wanted to try to save the marriage.  But to answer the original concern, I agreed with this wife. I considered it to be cheating regardless of the difficult circumstances. That doesn’t mean that this couple couldn’t recover. But it would likely take some work. And it would probably be a lot easier if the husband came home. Since he’d made a good deal of money with the temporary job, hopefully this would be possible.

My husband also cheated while away dealing with business.  Those circumstances did not make a bit of difference to me.  I didn’t see any distinction between this and cheating at home.  And our recovery was just like recovering from any other bout of cheating.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are extremely motivated to know if there was an emotional connection with their husband’s affair partner. Many wives fear the emotional connection more than anything else, which is often why the husband will try to deny that there was one. However, the wife often isn’t satisfied with this half hearted denial. So she may ask for more answers and dig a little deeper. And this is usually when she finds something that indicates that the husband might be keeping something from her.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband had an affair with one of my children’s therapists. I actually really loved this woman. She had become like a member of our family. So when I found out that they were having an affair, I completely assumed that he was in love with her. Frankly, she is quite lovable. She’s quite sweet and caring. Before she betrayed me in this way, I really liked her. And I’m sure that my husband has some pretty intense feelings for her too. But when we try to work on our marriage or even when we are in counseling, he will deny that there was any emotional connection. He will say that it was only physical. As I said, I had serious doubts about this so I went and saw the other woman. She said that in her mind, it was definitely both a physical and emotional relationship. I could tell she was trying not to hurt me when she added that perhaps she was seeing something that wasn’t there because she wanted to believe in him. I have my doubts about these claims. I’m sure there was an emotional connection because we all know each other so well. Frankly, it kind of makes him a jerk if it was only physical? Why would he be lying about this? And is our marriage over if he won’t tell the truth?”

It’s very common for a cheating spouse to deny an emotional connection. He can’t really deny the physical connection, as there had to be something that drove him to betray you. And, since you can’t see or know of his emotions, this is something that he can easily deny, unless there are letters or emails that prove he was declaring real emotion. So, he knows that this is all going to be hard for you to prove. And he knows that if he freely admits emotion, then this is going to hurt you. So, he would rather just deny this and avoid the topic altogether.

There’s another possibility also. It’s not uncommon for the other woman in the affair to assume more of an emotional connection than the man. Yes, he may have felt something but the other woman is much more likely to feel that she is in love than the other man. I don’t mean to offend anyone by saying this, and I’m sure that there was always exceptions. I realize that this seems like a double standard.  But from what I’ve learned from people who comment on my blog, most often, the married men don’t have as much of an intention of emotionally committing to the other woman as he might lead her to believe.

Of course, the other woman may completely believe that he was deeply in love with her. He may well have even have told her as much. But this doesn’t always make it true. And the only person who really knows the depth of his emotion is the husband himself.

There are a couple of options you can try in order to get him to give you a more accurate picture of the relationship. You can try having a very open and direct conversation that would go something like: “if our marriage is ever going to recover from this, I need complete honesty from you. Keep in mind that I know the other woman. I know that she’s a very lovable person. So I am finding it hard to believe that you didn’t have any real feelings. Frankly, I suspect that I might view this even more negatively if you could sleep with someone for whom you felt nothing. We can’t move past something if we don’t put it on the table and I suspect that you are holding back. I need complete honesty from you. I know that you don’t want to hurt me. But at this point, I value honesty over protection. I need for you to tell me the truth. So, can we finally talk frankly about this right now?”

I can’t promise you that he’ll suddenly start speaking all of the truth immediately. But over time, if you continue to show him how much you value honesty and how much you already assume and realize, he will likely feel more safe to open up in time. This wife had mentioned counseling. I suspect that the counselor would also gradually probe this also.

I’d like to make one final point. I understand that you need the truth. I defend your right to have it. I believe that you deserve it. But as someone who has gone through this, I can tell you that you want to be careful that you don’t make your husband’s feelings for her your sole concern. Yes, you want the truth. But once you get it, the focus should shift to “how are we going to move past this?” The husband was already trying to do this. It’s important that once you do get the truth, you don’t use it to punish or to score keep or anything else. You use it as information to help you to determine what you are up against in moving on. And then you do everything that you can to move past this.

I understand how much it hurts to have to worry about this emotional connection.  But, try to process it, evaluate it, and then move on.  What’s most important is your status today, not your status in the past.  If it helps, you can read more about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who deeply regret cheating, but who are also at a loss as to how to convince their spouse that they can be rehabilitated and as a result turn out to be a loyal and loving spouse once again. They often have already stressed how sorry they are. They’ve often offered to go to counseling or to do whatever is necessary to restore the trust. Still, their spouse understandably has doubts. As a result, they are often left feeling as if they have to prove their love and devotion to their spouse, but that is often like trying to hit a rapidly moving target.

You might hear a comment like: “I deeply regret cheating on my husband. I had an affair with one of the men who I work with. I never thought that I would be the type of person to cheat on my spouse. I never saw this coming and I never had any intentions of ending my marriage. I want to rebuild my marriage and stay with my husband. But he is making it very difficult. Every time I do or say something loving or kind, he looks at me as if I am lying. If I try to act like the loving wife that I believe myself to be, he will accuse me of putting on a show just to get back into his good graces. The other day, I told him that I feel as if I can’t do anything right. I feel like no matter what I do, he is still going to reject me or say that it’s too little too late. This hurts me deeply. He went so far as to say that I have to ‘prove my love.’ I have no idea what this means. But I suspect that it means that I have to do whatever he desires whenever he desires it. I have to put my own needs and wants behind his own and go out of my way to cater to his every whim. I realize that I put myself in this position, but it still feels unfair. And I almost feel like I can try my best to prove my love and he still won’t be satisfied. And he still won’t really trust me regardless of what actions I take. What can I do?”

This is a very common situation. Quite often, the faithful spouse is going to have some doubts as well as a very distinct lack of trust. You really can’t blame this for this because they have been betrayed. It is not as if they are suddenly demanding more because of no fault of your own. Most cheating spouses fully realize this and they are more than willing to try to make this right. The problem comes when it appears that no matter what they do, it is never really going to enough.

I think that it can help to very gently try to have a conversation about expectations moving forward and when trying to get back on track. However, it’s very important that you don’t come off as defensive or as unwilling. You want to make it very clear that you are perfectly willing to earn their trust back and to be the kind of spouse that they want and deserve. At the same time though, you want to make it clear that you can’t do the impossible either and that by setting up those types of expectations, you may both be disappointed.

A suggested script might be something like: “I know that you’ve said that you want me to prove my love. I am certainly willing to prove my commitment to you by being accountable, doing what I’ve claimed that I am going to do, and being a loving and attentive spouse. I am very committed to you and this marriage. I am very committed to restoring the trust. At the same time, it sometimes feels as though even if I do what you are asking me to do, you still aren’t going to be happy with me. I want to be clear on what you expect and what I can offer. I know that you want for me to be trustworthy and accountable and I am committed to doing that. I know that you want for us to work on our marriage and I am completely game for that too. I will be where I say. I will come straight home. And I will try everything possible to show myself to be trustworthy and loving. Beyond that, I’m not sure what else you expect of me. Can we have a discussion where you are very clear about what you want to see beyond this? I need to understand what you really want. I don’t want for either of us to be disappointed and I don’t want for you to feel as if I’m not doing enough. I will do everything in my power to make this right. But sometimes, I feel as if there is some arbitrary and unreachable goal that I just can’t achieve. Can you tell me exactly where I am falling short?”

Then listen very closely. Your spouse may give you a lot of specific information or they may talk in generalities. I can tell you that what many of them want is to feel loved and secure again. They want to see proof of your commitment. This often means that they want to see more than what you have given them in the past. Sometimes, it is hard for them to communicate what they expect. But when it comes down to it, they want to feel as if you are willing to make an effort for them. They want to see you working very hard to prioritize your marriage. And sometimes this just takes time. But communication really is the key here. If you notice them backing away or showing frustration, there is nothing wrong with asking them where you are going wrong. And if they are asking things of you that is only meant to make you feel uncomfortable or punished, there is nothing wrong with telling them that what they’re asking isn’t going to help your marriage but is instead only going to make the situation worse.  But, be sure to say this in a compassionate and gentle way.

I am sure that sometimes my husband thought that the things I asked him to do after his affair were silly and pointless.  But, I needed for him to do them anyway so he did.  This went a long way toward reassuring me that he was serious about saving our marriage.  Over time as the trust returned, I didn’t need these gestures as much anymore.  I suspect the same might be true in the above scenario.  If it helps, you can read about my healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are just beginning to attempt to come to terms with their husband’s affair. Often, they are at the stage where they are trying to determine if they can ever trust their husband again and, if so, if this means that they are going to chose to attempt to save their marriage. And often, one very big concern that they have is whether or not their spouse is ever going to cheat again. They wonder if one episode of cheating means that he won’t ever be faithful or if he will continue to have more affairs.

An example of the type of comment that I might hear is something like: “my husband had an affair a couple of months ago. We’ve been to counseling. He seems very remorseful. I truly would like to improve our marriage so that we are able to reconcile and stay together. I still love him and we have children. But I am so afraid that he will cheat again. I do not know if I could go through this another time. And I know that if he betrayed me again, I could never continue to live with him. So part of me thinks that if I still with him, I am just delaying the inevitable. My mother says that once a man cheats on you, he’s shown you who he really is and that he will never be able to be faithful again. She says that very few men don’t have another affair. However, our counselor has given us hope that this just isn’t true. She feels that with some work, my husband can be rehabilitated and will be faithful for the long haul. Who is right?”

My opinion isn’t based on my being an expert. I have to make that clear. I’m not a counselor, but I do have an opinion on this based on my own life experiences and from the couples who leave comments on my blog. I believe that the answer to this question is that it depends on many factors.  Both scenarios are possible.

I have seen men promise not to cheat on their wives and literally say that they would rather jump in front of a speeding bus than cheat again. And yet, years down the road, they are dealing with yet another infidelity even though they meant their words when they were promising to be faithful.

I’ve also seen men who cheated once turn out to be completely faithful, loyal, and loving husbands for the rest of their lives. Some would say that the difference is that perhaps the faithful man never met another woman with whom he wanted to cheat, so he remained faithful sort of by default. I don’t believe this for a minute. I believe that the husbands who turn out to cheat once and to never cheat again are the husbands who learn better impulse control, learn to not place themselves in tempting positions, and learn to communicate with their wife in more efficient ways so that their marriage isn’t left vulnerable.

On the other hand, men who continue to cheat never learn new skills and never commit to controlling their impulses or to removing themselves from situations that have already shown themselves to be at risk. That’s not to say that repeat cheaters do not love their spouses or that they do not have good intentions. It’s just that they never learned the skills that are necessary to remain faithful. They have some flaws that they never fully dealt with to the agree needed for change.

I didn’t know this couple, but it sounded to me like they were doing everything right. It sounded as if the husband were willing to learn new skills and that both of them were willing to seek out professional help to guide them toward the changes and improvements that were going to rehabilitate the marriage. In my opinion and experience, these are the marriages that have the greatest chance of making it and these remorseful and motivated husbands are the ones who are the least likely to cheat again.

I know that you what you really want is a guarantee that your husband won’t cheat again. Unfortunately, there’s no way to get that. But, what you can do is to make sure you very aggressively uncover what went wrong and fix it. You can make sure that you make every effort toward rehabilitation and you do everything in your power to keep your marriage strong and free of vulnerabilities and temptations. And you make sure that the cheating spouse has learned new coping mechanisms and behaviors. These things go a long way toward giving you the best possible chance of not having to repeat this.

And with that done, the rest is just a matter of faith. But I can tell you that it is not at all uncommon for me to hear from a couple who had only one incidence of infidelity in their marriage and then went on to heal and be very happy and in a long lasting marriage that only ended when one of them passed away.

That is my goal also – to never have to deal with infidelity again.  And I truly believe that we are well on our way.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are desperately trying to come up with legitimate reasons to explain away having an affair.

Sometimes, this request comes from the “other woman” or the “other man” in an affair. Quite understandably, no one wants to be seen as a home wrecker and no one wants to think that they ruined a decent and loving marriage.

You might hear a comment like: “I knew that the man with whom I’ve been having an affair is married. But I also know that their marriage is dead. I know that they don’t ever have sex and I know that his wife doesn’t love him and takes him for granted. I know that he has repeatedly asked her for a divorce, which she refuses. Honestly, their marriage is in name only. That’s not to say that I don’t feel guilty for having a relationship with a married man, but I don’t really see this as a full blown affair. I truly don’t. Because I firmly believe that their marriage is in name only. Is it still an affair when the marriage is only a formality at this point?”

I’ll tell you my opinion on this a little later, but before I do, I’d like to state that sometimes, this concern comes from the cheating spouse. Often, they feel a bit justified in their cheating because the marriage isn’t completely satisfying and they no longer feel involved or engaged with the marriage.

You might hear something like: “my wife and I haven’t really been in love for the past five years. We still occasionally have sex, but it isn’t meaningful for either of us. It’s certainly not good or exciting sex. My wife probably knows that I’m only staying in the marriage because of my kids and because of money. It’s not a real marriage. And that’s why I feel that what I’m doing isn’t really cheating. I truly love the other woman. I’d like to create a future with her. So is cheating really so horrible if your marriage is dead and there’s nothing left?”

Before I answer, I have to tell you that I’m only giving you the opinion of a non objective wife who has been cheated on. So to be fair, if you’re looking for justification for cheating, you’re not going to find it in this article. I’m not trying to imply that people who cheat are awful people or that they purposely set out to destroy marriages or to hurt other people. Because I truly don’t believe this in most cases.

However, with this said, I don’t think that it is ever OK to cheat or have an affair. I understand that your marriage may be awful and not fulfilling. I understand that you may feel as if there is truly nothing left. I get that you might feel as if the other person is your soul mate or the perfect fit for you and that this opportunity may not ever come around again.

But here’s something that you may not know or may not have considered. Almost always, if you were to ask the faithful spouse if she felt betrayed, even considering the state of her marriage, she would say yes. She wouldn’t tell you that she felt her marriage was dead. She would be more likely to tell you that she knew it had problems but she didn’t expect for her husband to cheat on her. And, there are two versions of every marriage. Quite often, the faithful spouse doesn’t see things in the same way as the cheating spouse.

And that’s one reason that I don’t ever see any justification for cheating within a marriage. If things are so awful in your marriage, then as I see it you have a couple of choices. You can fix your marriage. Or, you can leave it. But once you step outside of it and have a relationship with someone else, that is cheating. And it is wrong. I think that you can even tell your spouse that you have temptations and that your marriage needs immediate attention. This may hurt your spouse. But being honest in this way offers so much more integrity then going behind your spouse’s back and cheating on them.

I’d like to make another point if you’re the other person in the relationship, you are having a relationship with someone who is married, and you are reading this article. I am not saying this to be hurtful, but it is so very common for the married person to indicate that their marriage isn’t active when this depiction isn’t completely accurate. Of course they are going to say this in order to make the act of cheating easier for both of you. If a married man was to tell you that his wife annoys him sometimes but they just went on a weekend away two weeks ago and had sex and have been trying to restore their marriage, would you still want to cheat? Probably not. Which is why a married person will often paint a not so flattering portrait of their marriage in order to make the process easier for the both of you, even if the picture they are painting is not reality.

Sometimes though, the marriage spouse is telling you the truth. His marriage is no longer passionate or fulfilling. But this is an issue that he likely needs to work out before he begins a relationship with someone else. Otherwise, he’s cheating every one involved.

So my answer to this question would be that is cheating or an affair anytime a married person has sex with someone other than his spouse. It’s really just that simple for me. But this is only my opinion and I understand that some may disagree.

I was honest when I said that I wasn’t very objective.  But when you’ve been cheated on, you tend to see first hand the damage that this can do.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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