Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who aren’t sure if they are taking too much time to see any progress with their marriage after an affair has damaged it. Often, people become impatient when they don’t yet see the progress that they had hoped for. Many worry that the lack of progress after so much time means that their marriage can’t be efficiently saved.

You might hear a comment like: “it’s been eighteen months since my husband had an affair. And we have been struggling to save our marriage for that entire time. Some days I feel that we are making a little progress, but then a few days later, I begin to wonder if we are making any real progress at all. I never would have believed after this much time I would still feel so much doubt and pain. We have been seeing a counselor, but I don’t feel as if she is doing any good. She doesn’t seem to be very sympathetic to me. And I don’t respect her opinion as much as I should. I’m starting to think that my marriage might be over because too much time has passed without seeing any real recovery. I’m starting to think that trying to save this marriage just isn’t reasonable any more. I do still love my husband and in a perfect world, I would like to save my marriage. But I am tired of feeling insecure and angry all of the time. I am tired of always being suspicious and I know that my husband is extremely tired of this also. I feel like I’m starting to invest too much time in something that is just never going to get any better. How much time should you invest in your marriage after an affair?”

In my honest opinion, I’m not sure that there is any set time frame. It’s going to depend upon your marriage and both spouse’s willingness to hang in there. With this said, of course you want to see progress for all of your hard work because it’s extremely hard to hang in there when things aren’t getting any better.

In my own experience, I’d see some progress and then I’d start to feel some hope and then I might have some bad days so that I’d take a couple of steps backward. And yes, that was discouraging. I did change counselors at one point and I did experiment with various forms of self help. It was frustrating when things didn’t work and uplifting when things did. But no, things didn’t always improve as quickly as I wanted.

This is only my opinion, of course. But if you are seeing some improvement some of the time and you still feel love for your husband and a desire for your marriage, then I believe it is worth it to continue to try to improve and to tweak things. Don’t hesitate to discard something that isn’t working for you. Don’t hesitate to try something new. And if you need more from your husband, tell him. He probably wants to see more improvement also and he probably will be relieved when you tell him what you need so that you can make more efficient progress.

Yes, healing after an affair takes time, but if you find yourself revisiting the same old problems or issues, then you have to ask yourself if you need to try something new, do some additional work, or look at things another way.

And I’d like to make one final point. This wife mentioned insecurities as one of her major problems and one of this couple’s major issues. She did admit that her husband was giving her reassurance and that she wanted to believe him. But, no matter what he said or did, she just didn’t feel safe in believing him. This indicates that perhaps you need to do a little more work on restoring the trust, but it can also indicate that you may need to do some things in order to restore your self esteem.

I really can not stress this enough, even though I don’t want to imply that this is in any way your fault. It’s not your fault but if you become very proactive about fixing it, then it’s my experience that it is really worth it to be very aggressive in doing whatever is needed to restore your self esteem. This may seem petty, immature, a waste of time, or selfish, but I assure that it is not. It is well worth your time and your effort. Because if you still have very damaged self esteem, your husband can do or say everything correctly but you still may not believe it. You may want to believe it more than anything but you can’t because you don’t believe yourself worthy or you still feel damaged or less than someone else. This is very common and it is not your fault.

But it is so worth it to invest not only in your marriage, but also in yourself. I often tell people to put as much energy and time in themselves as they put into their marriage. Because doing so will often enhance and speed your healing.

But to answer the question posed, in my own experience, I believed that I would stick with it for as long as it took to invest in my marriage after my husband’s affair. Because of my family, I just could walk away. Plus, I had invested too much time and effort to just abandon my marriage. Every one is different and I totally understand making a different decision. But that’s my opinion on the question.

As I alluded to, I committed to taking whatever time I needed in order to recover.  I knew that it might be a long road, but I wasn’t willing to explore the alternative, which was ending the marriage.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from spouses who are dealing with one additional and unexpected problem that stemmed from their spouse’s affair. The cheating spouse is now afraid and paranoid that the faithful spouse is going to cheat in retaliation or because she’s no longer as committed to the marriage as she once was. The faithful spouse often has no intention whatsoever of cheating. In fact, cheating is actually less likely because she sees just how much damage can be done. But she’s often having a very hard time of convincing her husband of the same.

You might hear a comment like: “I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life. And I never would. If I was that unhappy in a relationship, then I would end it. But I’d never cheat on someone who I loved. My husband doesn’t understand this. Yes, I’m furious about his affair. Yes, I have doubts about my marriage. But he thinks that this means that I am going to cheat on him. And he can’t stand the thought of that, which is very hypocritical of him because I’m having to go through this recovery and yet he is telling me that he could never even face the recovery. I have been at my job for a very long time and I have always been close with many male coworkers. This is not anything new. I’ve been going out with the same group of people on Friday nights for multiple years and it has never been a problem. But now apparently it is. Because now my husband is totally paranoid that I am going to cheat on him. I am not going to do that. I might decide to end my marriage because of his affair. But I wouldn’t begin a relationship with a new man before I ended my marriage. No matter what I say or do, I can’t get my husband to believe this. And this is affecting our ability to save our marriage because I am so annoyed by his accusations and suspicions. I haven’t done anything wrong and I have no intention of cheating. I think that cheaters are weak people who are lacking in integrity and I definitely do not fall into this category. How do I get him to accept this?”

I know that this is a very difficult situation, but it’s also a very common one. The cheating spouse often is well aware that you might feel justified in cheating. It would allow for him to see how it feels to be cheated on and it would also confirm to you that you are still attractive and desirable. I know that there are many people who are clear on the fact that they would never cheat on their spouse even in retaliation (I am one of those people,) but I have to tell you that I get a lot of correspondence on my blog from people who are tempted to cheat in retaliation even when they swore that they would never do this before. So, honestly, your spouse isn’t completely off base with this. It’s quite common for the faithful spouse to be tempted to cheat.

However if you know that this isn’t something that you would do, it’s not fair to you that every time you turn around, he’s focusing on you when the focus should be on him and on your marriage. So, you will often have to address this in a very effective way so that you don’t have to continue on as you are.

A Suggested Script: I understand if you want to try to avoid conflict right now. Your marriage is often on very dangerous ground after an affair. So, you often hesitate to have the difficult discussions because you don’t want to put more stress on an already stressful situation. However, I believe that this is a conversation that you probably need to have. Because if you don’t, you may find that you are having to revisit the same old unfair and difficult problem day after day. And this will make it much more difficult to save your marriage.

So the next time that he brings up the topic of your cheating in retaliation, you might say something like: “I need to stop you right there. I understand why you have worries and concerns, but I need for you to shelf them for now. It’s going to be very hard for us to save our marriage if you are constantly accusing me of things that I am never going to do. I have never given you any reason to think that I would cheat on you. I have no intention of doing that. If I was that unhappy in our marriage that I was tempted to cheat, then I would end our marriage before I was with anyone else. Your constantly worrying and accusing me is the most immediate threat to our marriage. It isn’t my potential to cheat. I know that you have fears. So do I. But I need for you to trust me because I have never given you a reason not to. If you can’t do this and you continue to suspect and accuse me, then I have real concerns as to whether our marriage is going to make it. I have no problem with going to counseling if that will reassure you. Why would a person be willing to go through all this and then go to counseling if they intended to cheat on their spouse? Will you work harder to not act on your fears? This situation is hard enough, but we don’t need to add to it by worrying about something that just isn’t going to happen.”

Your husband may not immediately stop worrying about your potential future cheating, but hopefully will put a lid on the accusations. And as more time goes by and your marriage starts to heal, he will very likely gain confidence that you aren’t going to have the need to retaliate.

My husband had the same worries, but I let him know that he wasn’t going to make the affair about me, since it was really about him.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Frankly, it sometimes starts as just a feeling that something is off with your husband. And, sometimes, you feel crazy or paranoid. Some faithful spouses are completely caught off guard by the cheating, but many find out because they set out to do just that. They just feel in their gut that something is off so they go investigating a little further until their worst fears are realized. But when they finally have that confirmation that they’ve been dreading, they have no idea how to proceed.

In this situation, typical comments are things like: “I didn’t want to believe that my spouse was cheating. I had the suspicions for a long time before I ever acted on them. Finally, I decided what would be the harm if I checked the message history on his phone. And once I read one text, I couldn’t stop. Although the content of the texts made me sick, I kept reading. I didn’t do anything that night and I don’t know how I got through that evening. But the next time, I checked texts and emails. And there was no doubt that he had been cheating on me for about two months. It’s obvious. It’s real. And now I don’t know what to do about it. If I confront my husband, I actually have to deal with this. Things are going to get so ugly. I’m going to lash out at him and he’s going to be furious that I was snooping. As crazy as this sounds, part of me just wants to see if this is going to run its course. Part of me wants to pretend that I don’t know, monitor him, and then keep an eye on the texts to see if it ends on its own. I know that’s cowardly of me but I hate conflict. And I don’t want to end my marriage. I feel as if I let this cat out of the bag, my marriage might end. What do most people do when they finally know for sure that their spouse is cheating.”

There are actually a variety of reaction and strategies once you’re sure that your spouse is cheating. Some people, like this wife, wait a little while to formulate a strategy. Others are so angry that they confront their spouse immediately. Still others will wait until they have absolute proof because they don’t want for their spouse to even attempt to deny what they already know. And still others will pretend that they’ve made this discovery and hope that it passes.

Here is something that I learned from my own experience. Your experience may be different of course. But I felt like once I knew that, there was no way that I could pretend that I didn’t. I hate conflict also. That was a confrontation that I absolutely did not want to have. But at the same time, I knew that the resentment would build up in me to the point where things were going to be much worse if I waited.

And really, the idea of waiting for it to pass is that you hope that he ends the affair on his own so that your marriage can recover and you can go on as if the affair never existed. I suppose some people are able to pull this off, but I know that I couldn’t. After you know that your spouse has betrayed you, it’s very difficult to authentically participate in your marriage until you complete the healing process. Something within you changes. You can’t undo what is already done. Your husband will likely notice the change. And neither of you can pretend that it doesn’t exist, at least in my experience.

I think that it can help to at least consider what you might want to happen in the far off future. If there’s even a shred of a chance that you want to save this marriage, then you probably want to avoid a huge blow up where you say things you might regret and you tell your husband that you never want to see his face again (although this would be understandable.) If you know that this is a deal breaker from which you don’t even want to try to recover, then you honestly don’t need to confront him at all. You could leave a note and make an exit without worrying about the outcome.

I find that most spouses who are going to have this confrontation will rehearse a speech and will fret about this endlessly. But in reality as soon as the words come out of your mouth, it’s unlikely your whole speech will have a chance to come out all at once. Your husband will generally have a reaction and start doing the talking. What I mean is that there’s really no way to really research or plan for this. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to place the text or email or whatever else you’ve found on the table and then meet your husband’s eyes. He’s going to know exactly what you are saying without your needing to speak a single word. And then the burden is on him, where it frankly should be.

Honestly, I can’t tell you how or if to confront your husband. But I can tell you that it’s always a good idea to handle things as best as you can with as much dignity and determination as you can muster. You did nothing wrong.  And it’s more than fair to want an explanation. Generally, once you let him know what you know of your discovery, then it is up to him how the conversation is going to go from there depending upon the reaction that he gives you. But in my opinion, doing nothing is rarely an option because even if you wish you didn’t know, you do and once that happen, things shift dramatically.

And with all of this said, sometimes letting him know that you know about the affair is the beginning of putting an end to it. But you never want to put yourself in a situation where things get out of hand. Make sure that you have enough control to be as calm as is possible and that if things get out of hand, you delay the conversation until you both calm down. Always think about your own well being when it comes to this. If you’re worried that things will deteriorate badly when he finds out, have this conversation at an outdoor restaurant or some place you can’t really be heard but where you both have to maintain the appearance of being civil. That way, you know that things can’t get out of hand too badly. And you never know, he may take full responsibility for his actions and immediately confess. Some people are actually relieved to be caught because the guilt was hard to deal with.

I know that there is a lot of anxiety about the confrontation.  But often, things just spill out very quickly no matter how much you rehearse.  Frankly, your healing is the most important thing and that can’t begin until you go ahead and deal with this.  You’re welcome to read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are extremely concerned about their spouse’s behavior and what this in turn means for their marriage after an affair. A big concern happens when the cheating spouse makes no attempt to come home. This can leave the faithful spouse wondering what this turn of events means for their marriage.

You might hear a concern like: “one of my husband’s coworkers who is also my friend told me that he was having an affair with one of his women colleagues. I had hoped that my friend was just wrong. But she wasn’t. As soon as I confronted my husband, he admitted it pretty much immediately. I was so angry with him that I said some pretty mean and awful things so we got into a huge fight. My husband grabbed a few clothes and he left. And he has not been back since. We’ve been in contact a couple of times but when we are, my husband never discusses coming home. He swears that he is not with the other woman. But if this is true, why doesn’t he want to come home? Does his not even attempting to come back mean my marriage is over? Because I can’t not think of a reason that he wouldn’t want to come home unless he just doesn’t care about me or our marriage any more.” I will try to address these concerns below.

There are actually many reasons that a cheating spouse may not be immediately attempting to come home. I will go over some of those reasons for this as well as offer some suggestions on how to handle this below.

Some Possible Reasons That A Cheating Spouse Won’t Try To Come Home: It’s very normal to assume the worst case scenario here. Many faithful spouses will assume that the cheating spouse is staying away because he no longer loves them or is no longer invested in the marriage. And I won’t tell you that this can’t possibly be the case. Sometimes, it is. But there are other possibilities as well.

Sometimes, the cheating spouse stays away because he respects you enough to give you some time to process this. He may also assume that you are so angry that you really don’t want to see his face right now. Or, he may want for some time to go by and for emotions to calm a little bit before he attempts to come back home. Or, he may be waiting for you to give him some sign or to take the lead. Often, he has no idea how you are feeling or what you want. So he’s waiting for you to give him some guidance before he attempts to come home and is possibly turned away or rejected. As you can see, not all of these reasons mean that he no longer wants you or the marriage. He could be confused or giving you time or waiting to get more information from you before he over steps any boundaries that may no longer be his right to cross.

How You Might Want To Handle This: Frankly, sometimes having a little time apart or allowing a little distance in order for the anger and panic to wane can actually be beneficial. So there often isn’t a real need to rush things. I would honestly suggest giving yourself enough time to decide what you might want before you even approach this situation. In other words, if you’re not sure if you want to save this marriage, then there may not be any point in trying to get him home right now. But, if you come to the conclusion that you do want to save your marriage, know that this doesn’t always require that he comes home. What I’m trying to say is that you are better off making sure that he comes home at the appropriate time than trying to rush it and then making the situation worse.

I always feel that you should focus on healing the relationship first and worry about the logistics later. In other words, if you can heal your marriage, then saving it is going to be the next logical step anyway. And if you take care of the healing, then things generally fall into place without your needing to fret too much over this. So, I would think that you need to address what is going to happen moving forward before you worry about him coming home. Urging him home before either of you are ready may just set you up for failure.

So I would suggest something like: “I know that we are in the middle of a difficult situation right now but I’m wondering if you have any idea as to how you want to move forward. I can’t ignore the fact that you’ve made no attempt to come home. I am just wondering if this has any implications on how you feel or what you might want. Can you share with me if you have any feelings about moving forward? Or are you just unsure and reluctant to make any decisive move?”

Then you just sit back and listen. Allow him the time to make a complete response. He may tell you that he doesn’t yet know what he wants. He may ask you how you feel right now. But either way, at least you will have had a conversation and are no longer completely in the dark about his motivations.

I think that it’s sometimes best not to look to far ahead until you have made progress on healing.  My husband did eventually come back home and we did eventually reconcile.  But, early on, I was just focusing on my situation day by day because that was really all I was able to handle at one time.  If I had looked too far ahead, I may have become overwhelmed.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who have no doubt that their husband has ended his affair. They have often kept very close tabs on him and are satisfied that he is no longer seeing the other woman. Unfortunately though, even though he is no longer with her physically the wife worries that he still invested emotionally or that he has never gotten over the affair.

You might hear comments like: “when I demanded that my husband end his affair, he did so. He didn’t really question this demand. He just agreed to it. And after this, he did start coming home on time and staying home. I do believe that he’s no longer participating in the affair. However, at the same time, I don’t think that he is really over it. He often just mopes around and has a faraway look on his face. The other day, I looked at the history on our computer and saw that he was looking at the other woman’s Facebook page. He’s obviously trying to keep tabs on her and see what or how she is doing now and this bothers me. When I mention this to my husband, he says he’s not sure what else I want from him. He says he is not longer in contact with her and they no longer have a relationship, but that he can’t help the way that he feels. He says that he can’t and won’t pretend that he doesn’t still care about her but that he’s made a commitment to me and he is going to honor it. Well, I want more from him than just a commitment. I want for him to love me. I want for him to want only me. How can we move forward in our marriage when he isn’t really over the affair? Will he ever get over it? Does our marriage even stand a chance if he’s not really over this other woman?”

I know that this is a difficult situation. Dealing with infidelity is very painful. But it is easier if your husband is falling over himself to show you that it is only you who he loves. When this doesn’t happen or when you believe that she still has some hold over him (even when she’s out of the picture) this can cause huge amounts of doubt about his love for you and about your marriage.

This Is A Very Common Situation That Often Improves With Time And Patience: It may help to know that it’s relatively common for a man who has just ended an affair to still have some feelings, particularly if it hasn’t been that long since he ended the affair. And that’s also especially true if he was encouraged to end the relationship suddenly and without much closure. But it’s also common that, with time, the feelings fade and eventually disappear altogether. Sometimes it doesn’t happen as quickly as you like, but it often does happen.

I understand feeling that you can’t move on in your marriage while he’s still not over her (assuming that this assumption is true.) But I don’t agree with this thinking completely. If he’s doing everything that you are asking of him and he’s making a genuine effort to make things right again, then I honestly see a lot of benefit to trying to move forward anyway, with the knowledge that as your marriage becomes stronger and the time goes on for longer, you are likely to see more improvement in your marriage and less feelings for her.

Don’t Make Assumptions Without Sure Knowledge: I also think that it can be a mistake to assume that he is never going to get over her. Things change. Perceptions become more clear. Feelings fade. I know that this is painful. I know that you can worry that he will never be able to forget about her, but I believe that is you improve your marriage and fix what lead to the affair, then there is a very good chance that he will.

Finally, in truth, you can’t possibly know what he’s feelings. It’s normal to expect the worst after the pain of an affair. It’s normal to doubt his feelings for you. But honestly, you have no way to know what or how he is truly feeling about her. It can be a mistake to assume that he still has a burning desire for her or that they have a bond that will never be broken. Often, as time goes by, a husband is more able to see things more clearly. He will often come to realize that she wasn’t who he thought she was or that the relationship was fatally flawed by the very nature of it.

Once these realizations are made, it can be very hard to maintain the feelings. And at that point, the odds become very likely that he will get over her for good. But to answer the question posed, I believe that with work and effort, your marriage can definitely stand a chance in this scenario. But the key is that you don’t allow the perceived feelings to discourage you from moving forward. You know that time and history is on your side and you act accordingly.

I spent a lot of time second guessing my own husband’s feelings after his affair.  But, over time, I realized that this was a losing game.  So I vowed to give my husband credit for trying to make things right and I vowed to see things through without bowing out because of things I couldn’t possibly know for sure.  I’m glad that I did this because our marriage is back on solid ground.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who have made the difficult decision to try to save their marriages while their husband has had an affair. Often, this is not at all an easy decision. They are often quite hurt and afraid but they chose to put their understandable concerns aside for the sakes of their family and their marriage. Unfortunately, it often takes two willing people in order to effectively save your marriage after infidelity. And so it can be a real problem when the husband isn’t willing to commit to the marriage because he’s still actively involved or invested in the affair.

Common comments that you might hear in this situation is something like: “the last several weeks have been so difficult. I was so shocked and hurt to find out that my husband has been having an affair. And if this was not bad enough, he’s not sure that he wants to end it. I have begged him to be done with the other woman so that we can save our marriage. He won’t make that commitment. He is not sure that he wants to end the affair. He says that he is now emotionally invested in the other woman. I’m not proud of this, but I asked him to work on our marriage anyway. He refused to make any commitment. He said that he can’t really think about our marriage until he decides what he wants to do about the affair. How can I make him work on our marriage right now? I feel like if we work on our marriage, then it will become obvious to him that he needs to end the affair.”

I could really feel for this wife.  I know first hand that dealing with an affair is horrible enough. But not knowing if your husband is going to end the affair while still wanting to preserve your marriage is heart breaking. Unfortunately, I’m not sure that there are any real ways to “make” or “get” him to work on the marriage. And even if you were successful at this, I’m not sure how hard he is going to work if he was still involved in another relationship.

Saving your marriage in the face of infidelity is quite hard. And that is true even when both spouses are willing participants. But saving your marriage when one spouse is potentially still being unfaithful is a hugely difficult task. And I’m not sure that it’s a healthy task for the faithful spouse. It’s honestly not fair for you to be pouring all of your efforts into your marriage when your spouse isn’t even committed enough to take the first step by ending the affair.

Will all of this said, I believe that there are things that you can do to encourage him to end the affair and to work on the marriage. I will discuss those things now.

Make It Clear That You Can’t Save Your Marriage If He’s Still Cheating: I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with disclosing that you are willing to save your marriage. But if you make it clear that you’ll do this without requiring anything of him, then there is no motivation for him to end the affair. He’s being able to enjoy being in relationships with two women, both of which aren’t making any real requirements or demands of him.

It’s perfectly reasonable for you to expect for him to end the affair because you’re going to allow yourself to do the hard work and to accept the vulnerabilities that are going to be required for you to save your marriage. I know that many wives want to avoid making this request because they are afraid that the husband will refuse and will demand to keep the affair going. But how is this all that much different from what is already happening? Currently, he’s made it clear that he has no immediate plans to end the affair. So, it’s not necessarily a step back to ask him once again in an attempt to get a different answer.

A suggested script might be something like: “I’ve made it clear that I want to work on our marriage. But, I can’t do this all by myself. And we won’t be able to fully heal our marriage until you’re willing to end the affair and then work on rehabilitation. Until then, I’m not sure where we go from here. I’m going to explore self help or counseling that I can do to strengthen myself and to help myself heal. I hope that you will eventually join me. But until then, it’s clear that this is a path I’ll be walking alone. I can’t physically participate in our marriage while I know that you are seeing someone else. I hope that you will make the right choice. Please let me know when you’ve decided to end the affair and work on our marriage.”

Your husband may or may not respond as you want him to. He may be resistant at first, but hopefully once you’ve made yourself clear on this, in time will come around. Regardless of this, I highly recommend that you seek counseling or self help on your own. Often, improving yourself will have a positive influence on your marriage or at least will help you see it more clearly. But to answer the original issue, it’s very difficult to work on your marriage in a meaningful way unless he ends the affair.  And trying to force him to do this often doesn’t mean that he will be all that enthusiastic about it.  So my focus would be on encouraging him to do the right thing and only afterward to place the focus on saving the marriage.

As you might have guessed, my opinion comes from my own experience.  If it helps you to read about how someone else handled infidelity, feel free to check out my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are looking for answers in regards to their spouse’s affair. They are looking for these answers because their spouse has been unwilling or unable to provide them. One of the biggest questions that the faithful spouse will have is simply “why?” They want to know why their spouse would do this to them when they thought they had a good marriage between two people who genuinely loved one another.

An example of a comment that you might hear in this situation is a wife saying: “I honestly just don’t get why my husband had an affair. The other woman is older than him and not attractive. I honestly believe that we had a good marriage. We laughed and had fun all of the time. Our sex life was very good. I also believe that my husband loves me and did at the time of his affair. I have gone over our life with a fine tooth comb and I can’t uncover anything that might have driven my husband to cheat on me. I have asked him repeatedly why he did this and he truly doesn’t have any answers for me. He can only answer that he just doesn’t know. And he will then say that he is fully aware that he made a mistake and he begs for me to forgive him. I can’t even consider forgiving him unless I understand why he did this. Can someone please explain to me why a man who looked like he was happily married had an affair?”

Unfortunately, the only person who really knew why the affair happened was the husband. And he wasn’t providing any answers. This doesn’t necessarily mean that he was trying to be dishonest or that he wasn’t willing to share his motivations. Sometimes, people who cheat are confused about what motivated them to risk everything in order to betray their spouse. So in the following article, I will offer you some of the common motivations that cheating spouses offer on my blog. Obviously, I can’t tell you which, if any, are applicable to your marriage or to your husband. But hopefully, this will give you a place to start.

The Affair Is A Way To Shake Up His Stagnant Life Or Address His Mid Life Crisis: This is a very common reason and it’s also a very common cliché. But men very commonly have affairs at a time in their life when they are having to face their own mortality or are struggling with the aging process. They can begin to worry that there’s nothing exciting to look forward to anymore and that they are living on borrowed time. So, anything that they can do in order to feel more alive or vibrant is going to be attractive to them. Sometimes, they aren’t planning to cheat, but an opportunity presents itself and, when they act, they’ll tell you that they feel as if they are actually alive for the first time in years.

The Affair Makes Them Feel Better About A Personal Struggle They Are Facing: I find that many normally faithful people will cheat when they face a very difficult situation that pops up in their life. They may lose their job or face an illness. Usually, this is a life altering event that scares them or puts life in a different perspective for them. Because of this, they are more vulnerable to an affair then they otherwise would have been.

 They Are Reacting To A Passive aggressive Need To Address Their Anger At Their Spouse: Sometimes, if you dig really deeply in a marriage that has been damaged by an affair, you will see an unresolved issue that the cheating spouse was very resentful about. Often, the faithful spouse wasn’t aware of this and is quite surprised about it because the cheating spouse never really mentioned it or let on what a big deal it truly was. So, rather than being a responsible adult and telling his spouse what she has done to make him unhappy or hurt, he will have an affair as a passive aggressive way to get back at her.

The Self Sabotage Theory: Some cheating spouses will tell you that the only reason that they can figure that they cheated is because they were well aware of the fact that they didn’t deserve their spouse or that their spouse was too good for them. So, for whatever reason, the affair was an attempt to balance the scales. Some people will tell you that it’s a pattern in their life to mess things up when they are truly happy. If this is the case, you will generally see a distinct pattern of this over the course of their adult lives.

The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time With No Impulse Control Theory: Many cheating spouses will tell you that they never envisioned themselves as cheaters and they never planned to cheat. But, for whatever reason, fate brought the other person in their path and they could just not resist even though they deeply love their spouse and had a good marriage.

As I hope you can see, there are various reasons that cheating spouses give for their actions. And often, they aren’t sure which are applicable to them because they weren’t thinking clearly when they acted.

If I had to put a finger on the motivations of my own spouse’s affair, I’d go with him having a life crisis at the time. His job was very difficult and changing at that time. I don’t say this to excuse his behavior. But it does help me to pinpoint where he might have been vulnerable. If it helps you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s very common for a spouse who knows that they are being cheated on to want to confront or talk with the other person. For example, I often hear from wives who want to call or meet the other woman. And, I have to admit that although I completely understand this as I’ve been there myself, I also know that this rarely turns out well. One example of how this can turn into a true disaster is when the husband actually picks up the phone. Then, what started out as a quick idea turns into a disaster.

A comment that you might hear in this situation is a conversation like: “my husband admitted to an affair. He said that although he had real feelings for the other woman, his family was more important to him than she was. He told me that he planned to break off the affair fairly quickly but he planned to ease the other woman into it rather than very abruptly breaking things off. I didn’t like this too much but felt I really didn’t have a choice. I know the other woman. We aren’t friends or anything but she is a mutual acquaintance because of our business. So a couple weeks after I learned about the affair, I decided to call her at home. Imagine my shock and horror when my husband picked up the phone. I sat there for a moment in silence because I had no idea what to say. I then slammed down the phone. I have no idea if this other woman has caller ID, but I’d have to think that they both know that it was me on the other end of the line. I’m so furious right now that I have no idea what I want to do. I feel like it’s possible that my husband was lying to me. And if he’s so comfortable at her house that he picks up the phone, then maybe he has no plans to leave her. What should I do? At this point, I’ve felt too weird about the whole thing to even mention this to my husband.”

Why I Don’t Think It’s A Good Idea To Ignore The Obvious: As hard as it’s going to be, this is a conversation that you really need to have. The longer you wait, the more awkward it might be. But nothing is going to be gained by both of you pretending that it never happened. And you need information as to whether or not he is actually ending the relationship. It’s possible to recover from an affair, but it’s very difficult to do this when your spouse is continuing to lie, continuing to see the other person, or continuing on with actively participating in an affair.”

People often hesitate to have this conversation because they know that their spouse is going to mad that they called the other person. While I do agree that it’s a mistake to confront the other person, I don’t think the fault lies with the faithful spouse. You can certainly understand her wanting to make the phone call. And the more guilty party was certainly the cheating spouse.

How To Discuss This: A suggested script might be something like: “you are probably already well aware of this, but I called the other woman’s house. I was hoping to speak with her and stress that the affair needed to end. I was very shocked and hurt that you picked up the phone. You told me that you weren’t giving up your family for her. You told me that you planned to break things off quickly. So I need to hear from you why you were there and why you picked up the phone because the fact that you were even there runs counter to your claims that you are still committed to me.”

Then, let him respond. There are lots of possibilities as to what he might say. He may tell you that he saw the number on the caller ID and he wanted to avoid you and the other woman yelling at each other. He may tell you that he was there to break things off and you interrupted him. You will need to listen carefully to his words and ask yourself if you believe them. And you have the option of telling him that if you catch him being untruthful again, you are going to have to reevaluate if you want to save your marriage until you’re sure that he’s being completely honest.

How to proceed had to be this wife’s call. But I believe that most people would agree that it’s not acceptable for him to continue to go over to the other woman’s home when he’s claiming that he wants to save his marriage. I do understand not wanting to push him into the arms of the other woman. But if you allow him to do exactly what he wants to do, then he usually will. And this often means that he will attempt to keep both relationships, which will obviously put a damper on your trying to save your marriage.

That’s why I believe that it’s very important that you make him aware that you are going to discover and then call him on any untruths that you catch him trying to pass off. As I alluded to, affair recovery is difficult enough.  But it’s even more so when he’s not being honest.  Sometimes, you just have to draw a line in the sand, depending on your own objectives.  If it helps, you can read about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who very much regret being involved in a love triangle with their own spouse. Usually, this starts when one of the spouses has an affair and decides that they want to be with the other person. So, they will leave the faithful spouse in order to be in the other relationship. But it doesn’t end there. For whatever reason, the cheating spouse decides to continue on with a sexual relationship with their spouse.  So that now they are cheating on the other person with their own spouse. And this can leave the faithful spouse wondering if they should blow the lid off of the whole thing.

Common comments in this situation are things like “my husband decided to leave our family for the other woman. What a cliche that is, right? I begged him not to go and to consider our children. He told me that he still loved me and didn’t really want to go. But given the fact that he felt like he had to make a choice, he ultimately choose the other woman. He moved out of our home and went to live with her. That was about four months ago. He comes by daily to visit with our children. Over those visits, we have started to talk and then one things lead to another and now we are sleeping together on a regular basis. Of course, this hasn’t seemed to change anything for him and he goes right back home to the other woman. I am sure that he is having a sexual relationship with both of us. And I don’t think this is fair. I am very mad at myself that I continue on in this way. I’ve started to consider telling the other woman that my husband is still sleeping with me. Maybe she will end their relationship so that we can get back together. What do you think of this plan?”

I have to be honest and say that I very much understand the wife’s motivation. Sleeping with him is a way to get back at the other woman and to take your power back. And let’s face it. He’s still your husband. Your can’t just turn your feelings off. I even understand why you want to tell her about the situation. It would likely hurt you and allow her to see how it feels when someone betrays you.

Although all of this sounds good in theory, I don’t think that this whole situation is very healthy. Unless you truly don’t care about fidelity in your marriage, continuing to sleep with your husband when he’s with someone else is only allowing him not to make up his mind and not to be faithful to one person. Not only that, but you are staying on a roller coaster ride with no end in sight. It has to emotionally draining and also hurtful.

That’s why I would recommend thinking long and hard about if you want to continue on with the way that things are and whether doing so is in your best interest. I know that this is difficult, but I would recommend ending the physical relationship until he has made a decision to re enter the marriage and to be faithful. Of course, you will still have an emotional relationship with him because of your children. But I think that at some point, you have to draw the line and force him to make a real decision between the two of you. At this point, you have to ask yourself if he deserves to have a physical relationship with you.

As far as telling the other woman, I understand why you want to do this, but I don’t think that this is the best idea either. It is just inserting more negativity in an already bad situation. It may hurt her, but I’m not certain that she would be completely surprised. Considering the way her relationship started with your husband, do you really think she expects complete fidelity forever? The truth is, if their relationship is on such shaky ground that he is still sleeping with you, then I would doubt their relationship is strong and lasting anyway. They will likely have problems with out your needing to say anything.

A suggested script for your husband might be something like: “I’ve been thinking about our situation. You know that I love you and enjoy being with you, but I can’t go on like this anymore. Until you end the relationship with the other woman, I can’t continue to have a physical relationship with you. I need to know that you are fully committed to me and that she is out of the picture before I can resume a physical relationship. This isn’t fair to anyone involved and we are all being so dishonest. Of course, we will always be connected because of the kids, but this can’t continue in the way that it is.”

At that point, the decision is going to be up to your husband. When it is clear that he must make a firm decision, then he may be a little more motivated to do just that.  But I believe that you have to think of yourself first and most of all.  And when you are worrying about hurting the other woman, then you aren’t fully doing that.  Your healing has to come before anything (and anyone) else.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Most of the time, I hear from people who are dealing with infidelity that has already happened. Occasionally though, I hear from people who are only dealing with the fear on infidelity. In other words, nothing inappropriate has happened. No one has cheated. But one person in the relationship is frightened that this is only a matter of time. And the other person in the relationship is often scrambling to offer reassurance that they aren’t going to cheat.

As an example, I heard from a man who clearly loved his wife. But the couple had issues because the wife had been in three previous relationships in which the man had cheated on her. In fact, her previous marriage had ended because her ex husband had cheated. So, she was always suspicious of her current husband, even though he had not cheated and didn’t have any intention of doing so.

An example of some of his concerns was something like: “I love my wife and I would never cheat on her. But I can not make her believe this no matter what I do. I’m very loyal to her. I shower her with affection. I don’t hide anything from her. But I have to travel for my job quite a bit. This has caused some serious tension between us. Every time I am out at dinner or I don’t immediately pick up the phone when I am away, my wife assumes that I am with another woman. If a female coworker should call me, my wife assumes that her intentions are suspicious even if the coworker is happily married and really just calling about work. I would never cheat on my wife. I’m sorry that other men have cheated on her, but I’m not going to. How do I prove this to her? Her not trusting me is causing problems. I want her to stop assuming the worst. How do I get through to her?”

I felt for this husband. He clearly loved his wife very much. But as a wife who has been cheated on, I could also identify with the wife. Being cheated on once is bad enough. I can’t imagine being in three relationships where there was cheating. And her inability to completely trust is sort of understandable. At the same time, this was clearly hurting their marriage. In the following article, I will offer some tips on how to try to improve this situation.

 Ask Your Spouse To See Things From Your Point Of View And Vice Versa: This is a great exercise for both parties. If you have never been cheated on, it’s very hard to understand the pain and the doubt that it causes. And this pain and doubt can remain long after the event has passed. In order to help the husband understand that this wife was acting out of fear, it would help if he imagined himself on the other end of cheating. Because when you can see yourself as the injured party, then you start to understand that your spouse’s suspicion really isn’t based on your actions. Instead, it is based on her fear.

Likewise, if the wife could imagine herself as loyal and sincere but also dealing with a husband who assumed she was cheating every time she was late, she may see how frustrating it is to be suspected of wrongdoing when in fact you have done nothing wrong and really are trying to do everything right.

Consider Self Help Or Counseling: Hopefully, after the above exercise, the husband could see that the wife was reacting only to fear. And, until she released and moved past that fear, she was going to have a hard time fully and completely trusting any man and any other person. It wasn’t that she didn’t love her husband or believe that he was an honorable and truthful person. It was that she could not shake the fear of the past and she needed help to do that. Quite frankly, once she was able to face her fear and then put it in perspective, she would not have any reason to doubt her husband any longer.

With that said, you don’t want to just demand that your spouse goes to counseling alone. This implies that the problem is hers alone. Instead, it’s better to offer to go with her or, if she resists counseling, to work together with some self help resources. Because even though the issue stems with the wife, it is a couple problem because it is affecting both of them. And if you volunteer to walk this path with your wife, it will show you that you have her back and that she can trust you.

Have Patience And Keep Reassuring Her: Sometimes, husbands in this situation will back off a little bit from their wives because they are trying to train her to stop asking for so much. The thought process is that if he holds back the affection and reassurance, then he is no longer encouraging her insecurity and suspicion. I understand the thought process behind this, but I don’t think that this strategy works. You may just have to accept that, for a while, your wife needs your affection and your reassurance, and, because you love her, this is a small price to pay for her security. It costs you nothing to go out of your way to reassure your wife and check in. And if these small things helps her to feel more secure, than it’s totally worth it.

I really can not stress enough how painful it is when someone cheats on you.  Honestly, you really do build walls around yourself for a while.  So, I really hoped that the husband did not take this personally and understood that she was building these walls based on her fear and not his character or his actions.  I can also tell you that once you truly recover from this, then it is much easier to trust again.  If it helps, you are welcome to read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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