Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from women who feel as if they are losing themselves after their husband’s affair. Even though intellectually, they know that they are a worthwhile and special person, it is hard to convince their heart of this when they feel such a huge sense of betrayal and rejection. It can make them question their worth.

A common comment in this a situation like this is: “I’m embarrassed to say this, but I feel somewhat worthless after my husband’s affair. Honestly, for the past couple of years, my self esteem has been rising. I have a wonderful career and I thought that I had a good marriage and a loving husband. Three years ago, I began working out and improving my appearance. I honestly thought I looked better than ever. But now everything is in question for me. Because if I’m so great, why did my husband cheat? And I always thought that my husband and I had a very special bond. He always told me that I was the perfect person for him. Well, obviously that’s not true. Now I feel like all a woman needs is to be breathing in order to be special to my husband. I enjoyed feeling special and now I don’t anymore. How do I restore that? Or is feeling special something that is gone forever for me?”

I absolutely do not think that anything is gone forever. Yes, it takes a lot of work to restore your self esteem and your sense of uniqueness after infidelity but it most certainly can be done. Quite often, you will need to go within and find it within yourself instead of accepting it from external sources, at least for a little while. And from experience, I can tell you that this is a lesson that is most definitely worth learning.

Understand (And Genuinely Accept) That His Affair Wasn’t About You: So many women intellectually understand that when a man cheats, it really has nothing to do his wife. He may tell you that it does, but that’s only because he doesn’t want to look at or acknowledge the flaws within himself or accept his own lack of impulse control. A man can have a wonderful marriage, a beautiful and accomplished wife, and an enviable life and yet still cheat.

Almost every one knows this, but when it comes to ourselves, we forget it or we don’t believe that it is applicable to us or to or own situation. We are actually sometimes more comfortable taking the blame onto ourselves than assigning it to someone else, even though we’ve done nothing wrong. There is nothing awful about you that means that this universal truth does not apply to you. This is not your fault. You have to entertain and then accept the idea that you don’t have to own this because it was not your mistake.

You May Have To Take Inventory Of What Makes You Special For Yourself: In a second, I will discuss what your spouse can do to recover your sense of being special. But before I do that, I want to talk about you. And the reason for this is that if you don’t believe that you are worthy, then you aren’t going to believe that someone else believes this too. Your husband could give you an extensive list of what he loves about you along with very specific examples. But if you don’t believe this within your heart and about yourself then you are going to doubt his sincerity even if he is being completely truthful.

So, it is very important that you spend some time with yourself being very open about what is delightful about you. There is no one else like you. Only you possess the unique talents and characteristics that you have. And no one can replace you. This time with yourself might feel strange. It may feel like you are bragging on yourself or tooting your own horn. That’s perfectly fine. Because you are and because you deserve it.

If you are doing these exercises and something rings false for you and you can come up with a legitimate reason why it’s so, then fix it. If there is something that bothers you, then give yourself permission to practice extreme self care and to address it make it right so that you can look at yourself in the mirror with no regrets.

Tell Your Spouse What You Need: I hesitate to even bring this up because I’d love it if you only needed to look to yourself for validation. However, I know that it’s very unrealistic to think that what your spouse thinks or says doesn’t matter. If you want or need something from your spouse, then ask him for it. That is your right. And asking is better than being resentful or disappointed that you are not receiving what you need.

You may want to say something like: “I’m sure that it’s obvious to you that my self esteem has taken a hit. During our recovery, I need for you to compliment me. And I need for you to point out what is unique or special about me. I need to believe that you actually see me, understand me, and appreciate me.”

Understand that your spouse may not do this perfectly. He’s a man and men are different in this regard. But his just making an effort should tell you something. If he doesn’t make that effort, then you will need to make a decision as to whether you are going to give that to yourself or if you are going to approach him in another way. But make no mistake about it. You ARE special. And you deserve to feel that way.

I know that you can doubt your own worth because of someone else’s action and this isn’t fair.  Sometimes, you have to be very proactive and give yourself what you need, even if it feels very selfish or odd.  You’re welcome to read about my own recovery process if that helps on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Some of the most common requests that I get from cheating spouses on my blog are requests for pointers or tips on how to become a better husband or a better wife after you have made the very grave mistake of cheating on your spouse. Often, the desire is definitely there. It’s usually quite obvious that in order for the marriage to stand a chance and in order for your spouse to be secure again, you’re going to need to make some changes. But, although the desire can be there, the skill and the workable plan may be lacking. And this can be true for both husbands and wives.

For husbands, a common comment might be something like: “I fully accept that I need to spend the rest of my life making this up to my wife. She deserves better than this. I truly want to be the kind of husband that she deserves. But I’m not sure how to do that. Sometimes, when I try to be sweet or loving to her, she acts like I’m not being genuine. She will say that I am only trying to be accommodating because I cheated. So I hold back. And then when I do, my wife begins to doubt my love all over again. I am not sure what to do. If I had my way, I would be constantly showering with affection or assurances. But she seems to doubt my sincerity so I am not sure how to be the husband that she needs for me to be right now. ”

For wives, you might hear something like: “my husband is so down on himself since I had an affair. He doesn’t believe that I am attracted to him or that I respect him because of my stupid mistake to cheat. When I try to be loving to him or to initiate sex, he says that I am only acting. I know that he feels less like a man because of what I have done. But I love him. I want for our marriage to work. I want to be the wife who makes him feel loved and desired. But when I try to show him my affection, he just pushes me away. What can I do now?”

Some of the tips that I give about becoming a better spouse are applicable to both husbands and wives. And some are going to be applicable to one gender over another. But below are some pointers that I wish someone had told my own husband after his affair.

Understand That Your Spouse Deserves Your Patience: If you look at the above comments, you will notice that the person making the comments was talking about how their spouse’s rejections made them feel. In other words, they were concerned that their spouse hasn’t yet reached the point where they are receptive to their affection. This is very common. It’s quite understandable to want to get your marriage as close to “normal” as you possibly can. But above all, you need to be patient with your spouse and to not rush or pressure them. Finding out that your spouse has been cheating on you is a shock and a pain like no other. It can take a good deal of time before they are able to process this and before they are ready to be receptive to you again.

Your offering even gentle pressure can make them think that here is just one other way that they aren’t satisfying you. Part of being a good spouse in this situation is accepting that they may struggle. But they are struggling because of your actions, so you need to give them the time that they need instead of bringing their attention to how long this whole process is taking.

Determine What They Need To Heal And Make It Your Mission To Provide That: Some of the things that your spouse will need to heal should be common sense. Many will want reassurance that the affair is over and will not happen again. Many want to know that you are still committed and attracted to them. They want to know what type of work you have done on yourself to ensure that you will not make the same mistake twice. But every one is different. Some people will want for you to stick very close by them and will find that reassuring while others will want you to give them space. Some people will need and want counseling and others will resist this. Some will want for you to show them your emails, phone records and passwords, and others won’t want to keep bringing up the affair.

Whatever your spouse needs from you to heal, then you should make it your mission to ensure that they get it without having to ask you twice for it. Being a good spouse at this time means that you are putting your healing spouse’s needs in front of your own frustration and need to get back to a normal life. I sometimes have cheating spouses ask me for how long they will have to “make up” the cheating to their spouse. And my answer is usually “as long as it takes.” That’s just the reality of it. If you want to truly want to be what your spouse needs right now, know that you have to be in this for the long haul.

Tips On Becoming A Better Husband: I’ll get to some tips on being a better wife in just a second. But for now, I’m going to focus on husbands. As a wife who has been cheated on myself, I can tell you that your wife probably needs a lot of reassurance and patience right now. She needs for you to listen to her. She also needs for you to really see her and understand what she is going through. She wants reassurance that you still love and are committed to her. She also wants to see that you are willing to be more accountable in order to prove that she can trust you once again. She wants to see you do sweet and loving things that are going to show her how much she still means to you. She wants for you to ask question and make comments that let her know that you really “get” and understand her. And that, if you don’t truly understand something, you are willing to make the effort to ask for more information.

Tips On Becoming A Better Wife: I’m obviously not a man or a husband. But I hear from many of them on my blog. And they often express that they want to feel like you respect them again. They don’t want to look at you and see deception. They want to feel as if you see all that they do for you and that you appreciate the same. They also want to know that you fully realize how lucky you are to have them. Physical contact and emotion is deeply important to husbands. You can tell them that you love them, but they often want physical confirmation of this more than a woman might. It’s important for you to understand that sexual infidelity is a huge blow to a man’s self esteem. So you will need to be very aware of rebuilding this in a genuine way.

Above all, they need to see that you are placing their healing above all else.  In other words, it’s all about them and not about you.  If it helps, you can read about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: As strange as it may sound, I sometimes hear from faithful spouses who feel that they need to reassure the cheating spouse. Often, the spouse who was unfaithful will worry that the marriage can never recover because the infidelity stripped the marriage of the love that the couple previously shared. This isn’t always the case. Even though the faithful spouse can be hurt and furious, neither means that they can just turn off the love that has been there for years just because of a recent development.

Common comments are things like: “I will fully admit that I don’t much like my husband after I caught him cheating. I no longer see him as a person of integrity. He’s no longer someone who I would seek out as a friend. I don’t respect him in the same way that I used to. And I have fully admitted all of these things to him. But he’s taking things a bit too far and assuming that I don’t love him anymore. To be honest, my life would probably be easier if I didn’t love him anymore. But I do. And I can’t help it. But when I tell my husband how I feel, he doesn’t believe me. He asks me how it is possible for me to still love him after what he has done. He says it’s impossible for me to truly love him. He feels that I am scared of being alone so I have convinced myself that I love him. But he feels that there is a difference between loving him and needing him. I don’t buy any of this. I can’t just turn off my feelings. My still loving him doesn’t necessarily mean that I am going to stay married to him. I don’t know if I am or not. But my feelings for him have not disappeared. How can I convince him of this? Because at this point, he’s saying that there’s no sense in staying when his actions mean that are are going to end up divorced anyway.” I’ll address these concerns below.

You Can Lay Out The Facts To Reassure Him But You Don’t Want To Put Yourself In A Position Where You’re Trying To Win Him Over: I have to caution you that it’s very common for a cheating spouse to posture in this situation. What I mean by this is that sometimes, they figure it would be nice if they can get you to try various ways to convince him that you still love him very much. So all of a sudden, the focus is off his own mistakes and actions and on what you can do in order to show him that you still love him. As a result, this takes the heat off of him and puts him in a position when he’s on the receiving end of affection that should be coming your way.

That’s why my opinion is that while I think that it can be perfectly OK to tell him that you currently do still love him and are still evaluating your wishes, you don’t want to put yourself in a position of weakness instead of strength. Because you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

A Suggested Script: This situation can be a bit tricky because you want to give reassurances but you do not want to lay any ground work to give him advantages or concessions that he absolutely doesn’t deserve, at least not yet before he’s even attempted to make this right again.

So a suggested script might be something like: “I can tell you very honestly that I still love you because I can’t simply turn my feelings off and on. I certainly do loathe what you did but this didn’t erase my love for you.  I am unsure about what the future holds for our marriage. But that doesn’t mean that the feelings aren’t still there. Frankly, the fact that I am still here after the huge blow that you have dealt our marriage should tell you something about my feelings for you. And, we have a lot more pressing things to worry about than the way that we feel. In order to heal our marriage, we are going to need love, healing, and rehabilitation. Having one without the other two isn’t going to work anyway. So yes, I can honestly say that I love you but I also don’t feel as if I am the one who needs to do the convincing. We have a lot of work to do in the days and weeks ahead. If our marriage is as important to you as you say then you will place your focus on healing and on moving forward rather than how I see you or how I feel about you. My feelings about you are going to improve if you show me that you are willing to make this right again. I will respect that much more than your fretting about my feelings. My feelings are all over the place right now and aren’t always favorable because of your actions. So yes, I still love you. But love isn’t all we need right now.”

I can’t promise that these words are going to ease his every fear and free him up to focus on rehabilitation, but it should at least let him know that you aren’t interested in constantly reassuring him. Instead, you are interested on seeing if you can heal and move forward. I was always clear with my husband that he was the one who had to convincing. I wasn’t interested in convincing him of anything. I told him the truth and it was his decision as to whether or not he wanted to accept this truth. If it helps, you can read more read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are considering cheating on their spouse or having an affair. Often, they are already working on justifications that they can tuck away in their mind in order to help alleviate their guilt. One common example of this is that their spouse doesn’t have enough sex with them or that the quality of the sex isn’t good enough.

A common example of this is something like: “my spouse and I have not had sex for a couple of months. We have been struggling with a huge issue in our marriage and my spouse says that she can not connect with me physically unless our relationship is working emotionally. So she’s made it clear that she has no intentions of having sex with me anytime soon. And no matter what I say or do, she doesn’t seem likely to change her mind. I have needs and she has made it clear that she has no plans to meet those needs. Meanwhile, my assistant at work has been hitting on me for years. I am very attracted to this woman, but I have always remained faithful to my wife because of my children. I don’t ever want for my kids to grow up without both of their parents. So I fully realize that I am stuck in my marriage. But that doesn’t mean that I am going to just accept that I won’t ever be having sex. I am pretty sure that very soon, I’m going to start an affair with my assistant just so I can deal with my physical needs. Is this so wrong? Surely my spouse realizes that if she is unwilling to have sex with me, then I’m going to go somewhere else?”

Actually, your spouse may not be fully aware of this. In fact, she may be assuming that since you made a commitment to her and your children, you may be motivated to work out your problems with her so that you can resume your sex life rather than jeopardizing any chance of healing your marriage and your sex life by sleeping with someone else. I don’t mean to sound insensitive or unfeeling. And I am not trying to say that you don’t have a real problem. But as a spouse who has been cheated on and as someone who had to work very hard to save their marriage after infidelity, I have to be honest and tell that I can’t think of any circumstances under which I would condone or give the green light toward infidelity.

My Biased Opinion: It’s my opinion and belief that if your marriage becomes unbearable or so damaged that it is impossible to save it, then it is better to end the marriage before you have a relationship with any one else. But, in my opinion and experience, yes, it is always very wrong to have an affair under any circumstances.

I understand that you want and need a physical relationship with your spouse. Sex is a very important part of any marriage and I am not telling you that you should go without it. But rather than jeopardizing or damaging your marriage any more, why not place your focus and your energy on fixing what is broken so you can resume your marital sex life? I know that this can be a daunting task and that it requires that you take the long view rather than the short view. But having an affair can not only damage your marriage, it can damage other aspects of your life and your psyche. It harms you in ways that you probably have never even considered. And, even if your marriage doesn’t ultimately make it, then the affair will often impact your next relationship. To me, it is just not worth all of the risk and all of the damage.

Give Your Spouse A Chance To Work With You To Make This Right: Instead of causing this type of harm, I would instead approach your spouse and tell her that you are very motivated to heal your marriage because you very much miss her and you miss the physical intimacy that you used to have. You don’t want to tell her that she is wrong or selfish for withholding sex from you. And you don’t want to pressure or threaten her. But you want to show her that there is an urgency here and you are asking her to take some prompt action.

If she is resistant, then you may need to take the initiative for yourself. You may need to be the one to find a counselor or to obtain some self help that will set you on the direction toward healing. And yes, this can be some work and it can feel a bit unfair. But it is far better than doing what you probably already know in your heart is quite wrong. I believe that it’s in everyone’s best interest to do everything in their power to save their marriage. If, after you’ve made the greatest effort you can muster and you still haven’t made progress, then it’s time to get professional help or consider other alternatives, like redefining or ending the relationship.

However, if you are intimate with someone before you have healed or ended your marital relationship, then it is cheating and I can’t ever condone that. Because I know first hand that nothing positive or healthy ever comes out of it.  The pain of my husband’s affair was indescribable and I believe that it could have all been avoided if he had approached me before cheating.  Because he didn’t, we had to work very hard to save our marriage.  And this caused pain that could have been avoided.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are frightened that their spouse is going to retaliate for emotional infidelity by having a physical affair in order to “get back” at them. Often, the spouse who has had the emotional affair sees the potential physical affair as much worse than what they have already done.

Common concerns in this scenario are things like: “I confessed to an emotional affair because that’s exactly what happened. I am a stay at home mom and my husband travels constantly for business. In my child’s play group, there is a stay at home dad with whom I became close. Because our kids got along so well, we got together often. I found myself confiding in this other man. And I eventually came to feel that I could tell him anything. I felt that he understood and empathized with what I was going through in a way that my husband does not. Eventually, I shared things with this man that I wasn’t sharing with my husband, who never seems to have any time for me. My husband saw a text between myself and the other man. My husband became very angry and said that this sounds like an emotional affair. Once I thought about it, I realized that my husband was right. I am emotionally invested in this other man. And I am physically attracted to him. I look forward to seeing him and I miss him when we are apart. My husband is so angry at me and he told me that he has had countless opportunities to cheat on me with his assistant but says he never did that because of his commitment to me. He says that now he is tempted to give into his feelings because it would show me how the infidelity feels.  And he asks why should he be faithful to me when I am cheating emotionally? I get what he is saying. But I wasn’t physically unfaithful to him and never would be. Now, I’m terrified that he is going to have a real affair to get back to me. What can I do?”

I really felt for this wife, but I also felt that she needed to accept the reality of her situation and then take some action in order to  prevent an eventual physical affair. I will discuss this more below.

Accept That Emotional Cheating Is Still Cheating: I would agree that physical and emotional cheating are two different things.  But they are both cheating.  And, you should never underestimate how hurtful emotional cheating can be to your spouse and how damaging it can be to your marriage. It is still infidelity from which your marriage will have to heal. In fact, I believe that you heal from emotional infidelity almost identically as you heal from physical infidelity. So, this wife had to accept that she was going to have to work to do in order to rebuild her marriage and to restore the trust.

Come To A Compromise Where You Will Both Make Concessions To Safeguard Your Marriage: I felt that the first thing that this wife should do was to make it very clear that she was willing to do whatever was necessary to rehabilitate her marriage. She was going to need to sever the relationship with the other man. I fully understand that nothing physical happened, but continuing to have a relationship was not only hurtful and disrespectful to her husband, it was also damaging to her marriage. So she needed to take very prompt and meaningful action to show her husband that she was willing to do whatever she needed to do in order to restore his trust.

Once she did this, the chances would dramatically increase that her husband would be willing to make his own concessions. In fact, there had to be real concerns about the marriage if both spouses weren’t willing to sever the relationships with other people.

A suggested script to put this on the table might be something like: “words can not express how sorry I am. I don’t intend to make excuses for myself. I can only say that this relationship offered emotional support at a time when I feel isolated and vulnerable while staying at home. But my mistake was reaching out to someone else instead of telling you that I needed more support. That was completely my fault and I take full responsibility for it. Our marriage is so important to me and I am willing to whatever I need to do in order to save it. I am going to end the relationship completely because I don’t want it to do more damage to our marriage. I am wondering if you are willing to do the same with your assistant. I am not accusing you of anything. I know that you haven’t acted inappropriately. But I don’t want for either of us to be in a situation where something could happen to damage our marriage even more. Are you willing to make this concession? I realize that my actions put this whole thing in motion but if we use this to save our marriage so that no physical infidelity needs to happen for either of us, then at least something good will come out of this. Will you work with me to make this happen?”

Your spouse may not give you the perfect answer immediately. But once he sees that you are sincere and that you actually did remove the other person from your life, he is likely to be more willing to safeguard your marriage. I truly can’t stress how important it is to take these measures when you have already been witnessed that your marriage is vulnerable.

I believe that emotional and physical infidelity are both very damaging.  I also believe that healing is necessary in each case.  The good news is that healing can make your marriage stronger so that your efforts are more than worth it.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who felt very justified in kicking their husband out after the discovery of his affair. But, now they are starting to second guess that decision because his absence is very difficult. In short, the wife misses the husband much more than she ever thought possible. And she wonders what this means in terms of her marriage and in terms of her recovery.

An example of a comment in this situation is something like: “I didn’t hesitate for a second when I kicked my husband out of the house after he confessed to an affair. Obviously, he wasn’t expecting for me to ask him to leave. I’m convinced that if he thought there was any chance that he would lose me over this, he never would have confessed. However, I knew right away that I wanted him out of my house. I have made it clear from the start that I would not tolerate cheating. When I asked him to leave, my husband protested and begged me to reconsider. But eventually, it became clear that I wasn’t going to change my mind and he finally left. And I felt very good about my having the conviction to stick to what I’ve always said – that cheating is a deal breaker. But now that he’s been gone for a couple of weeks and he keeps leaving me messages and texts, I realize that I miss him horribly. Just not having his presence here makes the house feel so lonely. Frankly, I hate being alone. I hate sleeping by myself. I miss having someone to snuggle with and to watch TV with. And I am mad at myself about this. But I can’t deny it. What does missing him really mean? Does it just mean that I will eventually adjust? Does it mean I’m not as strong as I thought? Does it mean that I should try to save my marriage?” I’ll try to address these questions in the following article.

It’s Normal To Miss Your Husband, Even After An Affair: Here’s something that not every one is going to tell you about an affair. Yes, you are angry at your husband. Yes, you have every reason to not want him around you. But, because very often the discovery of the affair happens so quickly, that it’s not like you can stop loving your husband in an instant. One day you might think that your life is just fine and that your marriage, although it isn’t perfect, is hanging in there. And then all of a sudden everything that you thought you knew is shown to be wrong. This happens over the course of minutes, hours, or mere days. That’s not nearly enough time for you to process this. And how are you supposed to just turn off the love that you feel for your husband?  Unfortunately, love is not something that you can just turn off and on.

This May Or May Not Have Implications For Your Marriage: People save their marriages after affairs every day. Some couples go on to have a very fulfilling and even an improved marriage. I am one of those people. I can not tell you that saving your marriage isn’t hard work because it is. But it helps if the love is still there. Missing your husband is not always a sure sign that the love is still there. But it can be. However, with this said, I don’t believe that this is something that you necessarily need to decide right now, which leads me to my next point.

Why I Think It’s Best To Give Yourself The Time To Determine What This Really Means: Missing your husband doesn’t mean that you’re not going to be fine on your own. It doesn’t mean that you won’t ever recover. Nor does it mean that you will necessarily choose save your marriage. It’s just a feeling that you want to be aware of as you process this. You may decide to listen to these feelings and to be a little more open to your husband as he tries to contact you. Or, you may decide that although you absolutely miss him and may even still love him, then this is a deal breaker that you can never get over.

However, these are decisions that you often can not make when the affair is still very fresh. And, you have no way of knowing if your husband is going to be willing to rehabilitate himself or to work very hard to discover why this might have happened so that you can both keep it from happening again. Missing him can be promising when you want to save your marriage. But when you aren’t sure, it’s sometimes just one more clue in a bunch of them that are going to be coming at you.

My best advice to is to notice what is happening and then to watch very closely as things begin to play out in the present. You may decide that you want to give him a chance to see if he will rise to the occasion. Or, you may decide that you will work very hard to move on, even if you miss him. But I think it’s fairly obvious that at this point, it may be a little soon to tell. Often, your feelings and your intentions can change quite dramatically as this progresses along.

I wanted nothing to do with my own husband after his affair.  But gradually, as reality set in, I decided to be a little more open and to at least give him the chance to prove to me that he could be rehabilitated.  This was the right decision for me and I’ve never regretted it.  But everyone has to make their own choice.  What is right for me may not be right for you. Only you know what is best for you.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who want for their husband to end his affair at once. But, they are often unsure if this is going to be what is most healthy for their marriage or most conducive to healing. There is often a real concern about appearing to be unyielding and nasty, especially when you’re trying to save your marriage. But at the same time, you want for him to stop the affair at once and you feel that you have the right to be forceful about the same.

Common comments or concerns are things like: “my husband admitted his affair on his own. He came to me and told me that he had been having a relationship with a coworker. He said that he had to clear his conscience and that he couldn’t lie to me because he loves me. He said that he doesn’t want a divorce or separation. But then he told me that he needed more time in order to end the affair. He said that the other woman’s situation is complicated and that he needs to sort out of his feelings. That isn’t good enough for me. I feel like telling him that he will end the affair or he will accept that I am going to divorce him. He can’t have both of us. I told my best friend that I was getting ready to pressure him or to give him an ultimatum to end the affair but my friend said that this might backfire on me. She asked me what happens if I give him this ultimatum and he tells me that since I am making him choose, then he is forced to choose the other woman. Or, what if gets so angry by my attitude that he decides that he doesn’t want to save our marriage after all? Is it a good idea to pressure him?”

This is a decision that each wife must make for herself. However, because of my own experience and because of some experiences that I hear about on my blog, I do have an opinion on this, which I will share with you below.

Know That Pressured Husbands Often Don’t Become Happy Or Willing Husbands: It’s not uncommon for this strategy to appear to work, at least initially. Often, when you let a husband know that he really doesn’t have a much of a choice but to end the affair or risk his marriage, his family, and his finances, he will often begrudgingly end the affair.

And the wife will sometimes think that this is the end of it. But what can eventually happen is that she will begin to notice that the husband is moody and resentful. He will mope around the house and, although he is physically there with you, he is not emotionally there with you. His mind and his heart are somewhere else. In short, it can become obvious that he is only there because you have forced his hand. He’s not there completely willingly and his behaviors, his affection, and his participation levels are going to reflect this.

I know that it’s tempting to decide that you don’t really care if he’s happy about this ultimatum or not. But you have to ask yourself what your end goal really is. Of course you want for the affair to be over immediately. Of course you want for him to be home so that his attention is on you. But you also probably want to give your marriage the best chance of full and total recovery. And this sometimes takes deep thought and strategy.

You Can Make It Clear That His Choice, Although His Own, Will Potentially Have Consequences: By no means am I suggesting that you just give your husband free reign to end the affair when or if he feels like it. That’s not fair or just either. I believe that the best approach to take here is to make it clear that your husband will not enjoy the benefits of being married to you as long as he is having an affair.

In other words, although you may not leave immediately, you obviously are not going to be intimate with him or emotionally invested with him if he is carrying on a relationship with someone else. You can make it clear that you will not begin the process of picking up the pieces of your marriage until you are sure that you are the only female in that relationship.

So a suggested response would be something like: “I know that you are saying that you need time. But I have to be honest and tell you that although I can’t force you to come to any decision in any certain time frame, I also can not actively participate in our marriage when you are seeing someone else. I am just not going to be able to concentrate on this relationship when I know that you are still putting it in jeopardy. So yes, I can’t force you to do anything. I can’t force a particular time frame on you. But at the same time, I can’t participate in our marriage or in saving it until you come to the decision to end the affair and to focus on us.”

I can’t promise you that this conversation is going to make him enthusiastically end the affair, but at least he will be clear on where you stand. And he will have an incentive to make a decision. Frankly, if he knows that you are there waiting patiently for him, then he really has no incentive to end the affair in a timely manner.

Honestly, I could not have focused on my marriage if I knew that my husband hadn’t ended the affair. I believe that I would have withheld any decision until I was sure that it was really over. Having that knowledge made it easier to save my marriage. If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:   I sometimes hear from folks who are dealing with a spouse who has become tired of talking about his affair.  Quite understandably, the faithful spouse often has questions or concerns for quite some time afterward.  It’s completely normal to want to talk about this for a long period of time.  But, this can become problematic when the cheating spouse feels that there should be a time limit on these types of painful conversations.

Common concerns are things like: “it has been about seven months since my husband’s affair.  I will admit that rarely does a day go by that I don’t bring it up.  We will be having a perfectly good day and then suddenly a question or concern will pop into my head and I will ask my husband the applicable questions as soon as the thought strikes me.  And when this happens, suddenly the mood is ruined.  My husband gets very upset by this.  He will usually respond by telling me that he has answered my questions and that he doesn’t understand my need to endlessly rehash this.  My response is often that I wouldn’t need to rehash it if he hadn’t cheated on me.  In my view, it’s his fault that he is hearing my comments because he is the one who cheated.  None the less, my husband is now telling me that he is very tired of this and that it is time we stopped talking about the affair.  Although I have agreed to try to limit these types of conversations, I can not and will not commit to never speak of it again.  I still have questions.  I still have concerns.  And if he tries to silence me about this, then I may choose to just leave because I can’t and won’t pretend that this never happened, although I’m sure that he would like that.  What is your opinion on this?  Is it ever time to stop talking about the affair.  If so, when?”

Believe It Or Not, Once You’ve Healed, You Won’t Be As Interested In Discussing It: I have a definite opinion on this because of my own experience, but I don’t believe that my opinion is going to be applicable to all couples.  I believe that what is appropriate for your marriage is something that you and your spouse have to dialog about and come to an agreement that makes you both comfortable.  But, in my own case, I rarely talk about the affair anymore.  There just isn’t any need.  My husband and I have discussed it extensively.  There is nothing left to say.  Occasionally, when we are talking our marriage today, one of us will make reference to some things we have been able to overcome.  And we both know what this means.  But we do not dwell on it and we see no need to bring it up.   I no longer have questions because, as I’ve said, I kept asking until I was satisfied with the answers.  And I have honestly moved on to the point where I don’t want or need to bring it up anymore.

But, if I’m being honest, turning this corner took a lot of time.  There was a lengthy period of time where I DID still have questions.  And I DID still need answers.  And I would have greatly resented it if my husband had tried to limit the same.  Yes, I am well aware of the fact that my husband didn’t exactly enjoy these conversations.  But he endured them because our marriage was important enough to him and he was committed to taking responsibility for his actions.  If this isn’t your reality, here’s some suggestions that might hopefully help you to come to an understanding about this issue.

Encouraging Your Husband To Understand Your Need For Conversations About The Affair:  It was probably a fair bet that this wife had not yet healed and therefore continued to have questions.  I believe that you are entitled to ask questions or have conversations for however long it takes.  However, you should know that you will make this process easier on both of you if you take a bit of care with how you present the questions.  Try not to continuously bring the same thing up over and over again.  If something is bothering you, ask your husband to schedule some time to talk about it, and then really lay it on the table in the hopes that you can get your answer and move on.  If his answer doesn’t satisfy you, then I believe it’s best to go ahead and let him know rather than waiting a little bit and then bringing the same topic up once more.  Because this is one of the things that frustrates husbands the most – the rehashing of the same issue when he thought that you had already discussed it multiple times.

Also, I believe that it’s best to have one designated time to discuss it.  This makes the whole process easier on every one.  If you agree to say once or twice a week where you will sit down and discuss any concerns and issues that have come up, then he knows he won’t be bombarded with questions each day and you know that, at least at set times, you are going to have your questions addressed.  I know that not every one embraces counseling, but that forum is perfect for this.  But, if you choose not to pursue counseling, then commit to sitting down together at regular times to check in.

And, to answer the questions posed, I believe that talking about the affair is fair game until you and your marriage have healed.  And, this process can take a while.  But, once you have healed, then there’s really no longer any healthy reason to continue to bring it up.  And quite frankly, at that point, both you and your spouse will be more than ready to move on.

I realize that you might be at a point where healing seems like a far away goal.  But hang in there.  Commit to keep moving forward.  And take it one day at a time with patience and self love.  If it helps, you can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who have very understandably had strong, negative reactions to being cheated on by their spouse.  Sometimes, these negative reactions contribute to negative behaviors that most people can understand.  After all, when you are this angry with someone, it’s only common sense that this is going to be reflected in the way that you treat or interact with them.  But, although this is understandable, additional problems can arise when this sort of treatment becomes a habit.  Because at that point, not only is your marriage struggling to recover from the cheating, but it is also struggling to overcome the new nasty treatment, which although justified has made the marriage even more unbearable.

Common comments concerning this scenario are things like: “my husband cheated on me two months ago.  It has been eight weeks.  And I am still so angry that I can not concentrate on anything else.  I can’t seem to get control over my fury.  As a result, I am so nasty to my husband.  Sometimes, I cringe when I hear the things that come out of my mouth.  I will tell my husband that he looks like an ape because of all of the hair on his chest.  I will make comments about his sexual performance because I want for him to think that he’s a bad lover so that he doesn’t have the courage to try to cheat again.  I will let him know that his actions have negatively impacted our children every chance that I get.  I tell my husband that he should be making more money.  And I never pass up the opportunity to tell my husband that my friends have better marriages and better husbands.  I guess I am trying to make him feel as badly as I do.  But deep down, I know that this is one hundred percent wrong.  Most of the time, I want to stop.  But I can’t seem to.  I just respond to my anger and these things pop right out of my mouth.  I don’t want for my children to hear their mother making these types of comments about their father.  I don’t want for them to grow up in this type of household.  How can I force myself to stop this?”  I will address these concerns below.

Clear The Air And Let Your Spouse Know That You Are Aware Of Your Behavior:  I understand that it is very tempting to just hope that your behavior goes unnoticed and pray that no real harm is done until you can eventually move past this.   But I know from my own experience that this usually isn’t the best strategy to take.   I believe that it is best to just go ahead and lay this out on the table.  Tell your husband that you are well aware of your negativity.  You can even be very honest and tell him that you don’t like or endorse your behavior and truly do want to stop, but you are having a very difficult time over coming your anger.  Tell him that you feel justified in your anger but you don’t want to allow it to create a hostile environment for your children.  Then, ask him to bring your attention to it when you say something nasty that hurts him.

That way, you are held accountable and you will realize how often you are doing this.  It’s also more likely that you will make a very distinct effort to stop if and when you know that you will have to face your behavior every time that you engage in it.

Train Yourself To Pause Before You Speak:  I can honestly tell you that its normal to have these nasty thoughts about your husband.  Until you and the marriage heal, they are likely to continue.   It’s very important to understand that it’s going to be difficult for your marriage to heal if you are always stirring things up with comments.  The key then, is to leave the comments in your head and to not allow them to escape out of your mouth.

I realize that this can seem to be impossible, but it isn’t.  You have to train yourself to do it though.  Be very diligent to notice your thoughts as they come into your head.  Then pause before you speak.  Another very good habit to get into is to journal your feelings as they come.  Some people tell me this is impractical but there are journaling applications that you can get for your phone that have password protect on them.  Since very few people are without their phone for extended periods of time, the impractical excuse isn’t one that I see as valid.  When you know that you have somewhere else to express your feelings and your anger, then you are going to be less likely to lash out at someone else verbally.

There are also applications that you can get to record the number of specified things that happen in a day.  This will allow you to track your progress and to see what types of things might set you off. I know that this entire process has been painful.  I believe that you have every right to your anger.  But it is important to release it in a constructive way so that it doesn’t continue to damage your marriage or your family.

Believe me when I say that I understand this anger as I had it myself.  But I too had to find constructive ways to deal with it before I could heal.  If It helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who desperately want to put their affair behind them so that they can save their marriage and keep their precious family intact. They fully intend to stay away from the other person and place their entire focus on their family. But a common problem in this scenario is an inability to stop thinking about the other person and about the affair.

A sample comment in this type of situation is something like: “more than anything in the world, I want to keep my family intact. I take full responsibility for the affair. It was all my fault. My husband is an incredible man and a wonderful husband and father. I have promised to stay away from the other man and that is exactly what I am doing. We have been going to counseling and although I find it incredibly uncomfortable and painful, I will keep right on going as long as it helps us. I want to save my marriage more than anything. I love my husband. But I can’t stop thinking about the other man and about the affair. I am very ashamed of this, but it is simply the truth. I will be sitting at dinner with my family and then a memory of a dinner with the other man will pop into my head. I will be hugging my husband and I will think about touching the other man. These thoughts just pop into my head. I know that my thoughts should be solely on my husband and my family. So how do I stop thinking about the other man?” I will try to address this below.

You Can’t Control Your Thoughts. But You Can Control Whether You Allow Them To Continue And How You React To Them: I will admit that I’m not completely objective about this. I was the faithful spouse and the thought of my husband still thinking about the other woman is not a pleasant thought for me, although realistically, I have to acknowledge that this is possible or even likely. Because this is very normal behavior. You can’t expect to abruptly end a relationship and to then have no additional thought about it That’s an unrealistic expectation. And this doesn’t always mean that you won’t ever get over this, that you have longing for the other person, or that you won’t remain faithful to your spouse.

You can’t control what pops into your head. But you do have control over whether you allow yourself to continue walking down that road. What I mean by that is this. Let’s say that you’re having dinner with your family and you start to think about dinners with the other man. You could continue to get lost in your thoughts and allow that to lead you to even more thoughts about the affair. You could even dwell on this and distance yourself from your family when you have these thoughts.

Or, you could do something to distract yourself. You could stop, take a deep breath, and ask one of your children about their day and then listen intently to their response. In short, you could do whatever is necessary to short circuit this process so that the thoughts stop right there. You invest in your family and you turn away from the affair every chance that you get.

Another thing that you can try is to develop a sort of mantra or response that you say in your own mind every time these thoughts crop up. I’ve had people tell me that this is hugely helpful. An example would be that once you start to have stray thoughts about the affair, you say in your own mind “I place my focus on the family that I love.” I know that this might sound silly, but it’s no different than meditation when you draw your attention back to your breath when your mind starts to wander. If you’ve ever tried meditation, you probably already know that your mind tends to wander, even when you don’t want for this to happen.  But you may also know that those with lots of experience will simply focus on the breath once again and repeat the process when or if the thoughts come back. With practice, it gets easier every time.

This Situation Often Improves With Time: With the natural progression of time, most people find that the thoughts about the affair begin to wane and to lose their grip on you. The more time that you spend with your family and on your marriage, the less you will have thoughts about the other person. Until then, it really is a choice. No, you can’t control the thoughts as they pop up, but you most certainly can control how you react to them. You can chose to distract yourself and to draw your attention back to where it belongs.

The good news was that the wife was very aware of where her attention needed to be. So it was only a matter of putting these tips into action and allowing time to help the thoughts about the affair to fade.

As I alluded to, I don’t like to dwell on my husband’s thought process after the affair.  Instead, I like to focus on how far we have come and how our marriage is now not only intact but thriving.  I’ve found that when the present is happy and fulfilling, there’s really no need to constantly look to the past.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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