Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who are beyond angry about their spouse’s affair.  Often, they want very harsh revenge.  And one common way to get this revenge is to take away what they know is the most precious thing to the cheating spouse – his children.

Common comments in regard to this are something like: “my husband had an affair with our nanny.  Frankly, I was very close to her and considered her a friend and confidant.  This has destroyed my ability to trust people.  To say that I am hurt by this is an understatement.   I feel like this is ruining my life.  And it completely changes the way that I view my husband and his family because his sister knew about the cheating and did not tell me.  She has apologized repeatedly saying that she was torn. She has asked for my forgiveness but I am ignoring her.   I am also ignoring my husband.  I don’t want anything to do with him right now and I don’t want for my children to have anything to do with him either.   My kids don’t understand this, of course and I am trying to shield them from it as much as I can.  We regularly go to my in laws’ house, but I don’t want my kids there right now.  I don’t want for them to hear anything about this.  In fact, I’m not sure if I want my children to be involved with this family.  I don’t want my kids anywhere near any of them right now.  At first, my husband begged me to reconsider.  He told me that he missed the kids and that he would not take them to his parents and that he wouldn’t mention the affair.  When I resisted this, he told me that I didn’t have this right.  I believe that I do.  Who is right here?  How to I keep my kids away from this deceiving family?”

This is a very difficult situation.  Obviously, it’s very easy to understand the wife’s anger.  She had every right to feel angry and betrayed by her husband and by his sister for not immediately telling her the truth.   With that said, while I completely agreed with her anger, I didn’t completely agree with her regarding her stance on the children.  I will tell you why below.

It’s All About The Well Being Of The Children:  I believe that this wife was absolutely right to be concerned about the well being of her kids.  Yes, she was reacting somewhat out of anger.  But she had real concerns about her children associating with people who she saw as lacking in integrity.  With that said, she admitted that her husband was a good father who would never hurt his children either emotionally or physically.

It’s my opinion that keeping the kids from their father is potentially harmful to them.  The wife was adamant that she didn’t want the children to know what was going on with their parents’ marriage. But suddenly snatching them away from their father was going to bring about questions.  And they would potentially be able to sense that something was very wrong as the result of this.

Try To Separate The Issue Of The Children And The Issue Of The Marriage:  It’s so very easy to intertwine the two.  To the wife, the fact that the husband betrayed her put his parenting into question.  I completely understood why she felt this way.  I have been there myself.  But in all honesty, these are two separate issues.  It took me a long time to understand this, but it is absolutely true.  It’s never a good idea to use your children as a weapon and to pull them into the center of the battle.

If there have been parenting issues in the past, then that’s another story.  But if your spouse is a good parent but not a good husband right now, then those are two separate things.

See If A Compromise Might Work:  Please know that I’m not an attorney or mental health professional.  Obviously, any legal questions should go to someone qualified to answer them.  But until this becomes a legal issue, it might make sense to try to compromise.  I understand not wanting for the children to hear about the affair from someone else.  It would be reasonable to ask that the husband hold off on that type of interaction for a little while, but certainly not forever.

It’s also reasonable to ask that for right now, your husband and you interact with the kids together.  But in order for that to happen successfully, you’re going to need to be willing to put on a united front for the sake of the kids.  You don’t want to show them the conflict and the anger. Some couples find this impossible to carry out so, until a resolution is reached, they interact with the kids separately without going into a long explanation as to why this is happening. In the end, you have to do what is both possible and best for your kids.

The bottom line is that the children’s well being has to come first.  If your spouse is a good parent, then you have to understand that he is likely going to be the same parent now.  And, this husband was more than willing to make whatever concessions were necessary in order to work with the wife where the kids were concerned.  This is only my opinion, but I believe that this was the best course of action.

The wife had said that she wasn’t sure if she wanted her children to be involved with the husband or his family.  The truth was, the husband WAS the children’s family.  And although he’d shown himself to be a questionable husband, he had also shown himself to be a good father.  And although I understood the wife wanting to control what the children heard right now, I also didn’t think it was a good idea to keep the kids away from their father due to something that wasn’t their fault.

I absolutely understand how you feel.   I didn’t want my husband around after his affair and he did leave the house for a while.  It didn’t concern me that he was no longer under the same roof as his kids at that time.  I felt he deserved it.  But it soon became clear that his absence was negatively affecting my children.  I now believe that kids need both of their parents, even if those parents aren’t getting along, although I do believe in concessions also.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who freely admit that they have become somewhat obsessed with the woman with whom their husband cheated or had an affair. Of course, it is just human nature to want to learn everything that you can about her. You want to know what your husband saw in her, her current status, and what makes her so special. It’s also common to want to try to gauge her current state of mind to see if you can obtain any clues as to what she wants moving forward. Because you want to know that odds of her leaving your husband alone.

Common comments are things like: “I can not seem to leave the other woman alone. And when I say that, I don’t mean that I confront her face to face because I don’t. I am her facebook friend. Well, I’m not technically her friend, but one of our mutual friends is. My friend gave me her log in information so that I can use her account to keep tabs on this other woman. I’m not very proud about this. And I always feel a little weird about it. But I log on several times per day to see if she mentions any men in her life or to see if she posts any photos. This woman is quite the attention seeker. She posts flirtatious photos of herself several times per day. I know that I shouldn’t even give her the time of day, but I can not look away. If my husband knew that I was doing this, he would be so angry with me. We agreed that we are going to leave this behind us and try to move on with our lives. I want to do this. And I believe that my husband is no longer in contact with her. So I know that I have an obligation to leave her alone like I’ve promised. But, for whatever reason, I just can’t seem to stop. What can I do to make myself quit this?”

This Is Normal But Hurtful Behavior.  It Doesn’t Benefit You: I know that this is a pretty embarrassing situation, but it’s also quite a common one. It’s human nature to have questions about the other woman and also to want to keep tabs on her. Facebook is an easy way to be able to do this. Usually, you can remain in the shadows collecting your information without any one being the wiser.  But this is also a dangerous game to play and it really does you no good whatsoever.  You’re right that you need to stop.

While she may not catch you, it’s not healthy for you to continue on in this way. It just isn’t. Every  time this wife logged on and viewed yet another one of these flirtatious photos, she was going to hurt. And this was probably going to impede her ability to begin to heal and to move on. That’s not in her best interest. I know how hard it is to turn away from this. I know how easy it is to fall into this trap. But I also know how important it is that you break this habit.

A Relatively Easy And Effective Fix: To me, there is actually a pretty obvious fix. Ask the mutual friend to change her password and to not give you the new one. If you aren’t physically able to log on and look, then this is a quick and easy way to break this habit. If the other woman has all of her settings to public or the allows access to “friends of friends,” then consider blocking facebook on your computer and on your phone, just until you are able to heal a little bit so that this is no longer a threat.

In short, you are going to have to stay off of facebook so that it breaks it’s strong hold over you. And if you have access to it, then it is very hard to have the willpower to know that you could look if you wanted to. The easiest and most effective strategy is to deny yourself access to this. Eventually, you will probably be able to use will power alone simply because with time you won’t care as much. But in the beginning, it’s my experience that it’s best to make sure that you no longer have the ability to log on.

Here’s another good tip. Train yourself to do something else when the urge to peek strikes you. Promise yourself that every time you have the urge to just check in and do something that you already know that you don’t want to do,  you will instead do something constructive for yourself. This might be journaling or taking a walk or even going shopping or getting a facial. Whatever thing you can stick to in lieu of spying on her should be your replacement. Because you will often have an easier time of breaking a habit if you can replace that habit with something else that you enjoy or that benefits you.

Know That What You See Isn’t Always Reality: Here is one more thing that you might want to consider. Facebook is not reality. Most every one tweaks their posts and their photos to be as flattering as possible. People try to craft the image that they want others to see. This is different from reality. So if you are telling yourself that you are checking her out to see what is going on in her life, know that you may well be looking at what are lies anyway. And the only reality that the only life that you need to worry about right now is your own. It’s my experience that when you begin to prioritize yourself and your own healing, you begin to realize that no one is more important than yourself.

I know first hand that this is difficult.  In the beginning of my recovery, I spent a lot of time thinking about the other woman, but this eventually became so exhausting and I decided to transfer my attention on her to attention on myself.  This helped tremendously.  If you like, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are right in the midst of cheating on their spouse and who are well aware that this is a huge and ill advised risk. Often, they know that they should stop the cheating or the affair because they have put everything that they love at risk. But they often aren’t sure how to do this and sometimes they are sort of paralyzed by fear and anxiety.

Common comments are things like: “I am currently cheating on my husband with man from work. I have been married for five years and I have two children. I love every member of my family. I love my husband. But I also have developed real feelings for the other man. My husband is a stay at home dad and I am so grateful that my children can have a parent at home. I respect my husband for putting our children first. Both of us agree that our first priority is truly our family. I have considered ending the affair and telling my husband everything. But I am afraid that if I do this, he will be so angry with me that he will take my children from me. Not only that, but as the sole breadwinner, I would lose a lot of money and assets in the event of a divorce. I am not sure how the other man would react if I broke it off. I don’t think that he would tell my husband in retaliation but I don’t know that for sure. What can I do? My worst case scenario is losing my family and my wallet.”

I don’t mean to sound insensitive. But it seems pretty obvious that in order to even begin to make this situation right, you need to break off the other cheating relationship immediately. You have much less of a chance of being able to save your marriage and your family if you continue on with the affair knowing full well that you are putting your family at risk. Your spouse likely is not going to be happy about this situation, but, generally speaking, the longer that the cheating relationship goes on, the harder it is to recover from it. In my opinion, the sooner that you end the relationship and place the focus on your marriage, the better.

Turn Your Focus Away From Finances And On Your Spouse, Your Marriage, And Your Family: No one wants to give away money. That’s a given. I understand being concerned about your finances, but this should not be your motivation. Your priority should be on your spouse, your marriage, and your family. I believe that the best thing that you can do is to end the cheating relationship as quickly, decisively, and as kindly as you can. You do want to give the other person the chance to leave the relationship with their dignity intact. You don’t want to place all of the blame onto them. And you don’t want to make the break up sound like a personal attack on them. It’s better to just tell them that you’re very sorry to have involved them in your mistake and that you are going to focus on your marriage. Wish them well, but don’t give them any hope that you are going to change your mind or that you can be convinced to continue on with the affair.

I can’t tell you whether you should tell your spouse about the cheating or not. That has to be a decision that you make for yourself. I can tell you that it would have meant something to me if my husband had been honest. He wasn’t honest at first and this was very difficult for us to overcome, although we eventually did. Once the cheating relationship is over, immediately turn your attention to restoring your family. You must become the best spouse and parent that you possibly can. You must make it your life’s work to invest in your marriage and in yourself. And you need to do some serious soul searching and self work to determine what might have made you cheat in the first place. You need to work on and remove any issues so that you don’t cheat again. If you need help with this process, please get it. You owe it to yourself and to your family to have the security in knowing that you aren’t going to have to repeat this process. Overcoming a second affair is even more difficult than overcoming the first.

But to address the concern posed, it was obvious that this woman cared about her family and wanted to do the right thing. But she appeared to be stalling a little bit. I felt that it was vital for her to take immediate action to end the affair and to aggressively restore her marriage. After all, you can replace money relatively easily. But you can not ever replace your family. And when your family is at stake, I believe that you should do whatever is necessary to restore your home life to a happy and secure one as soon as you possibly can.

If my husband had delayed in ending his affair, I am not sure if I would have allowed him to stay.  I am not sure that I would have wanted to save my marriage.  He did take swift action and this meant something to me.  We did eventually recover.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who are absolutely shocked at the intense emotions that they are feeling toward the person with whom their spouse has been cheating. In this instance, there really isn’t too harsh a word to describe what they are feeling. “Hatred” is a word that you will often hear. Many people are frightened or ashamed of feeling this way and they are looking for reassurance that their feelings are normal.

Common comments are things like: “I consider myself a very loving person. I am very tolerant and I refrain from making judgements about people whenever it is possible. I consider myself to be a very open and liberal person. I certainly don’t dislike anyone. I try to see the good in every one. And I most certainly didn’t hate any one at all until a couple of weeks ago. I found out that my husband has been cheating with one of his staff. I have had this other woman in my home. I took her out to lunch once because she was new in town. And this is how she repays me? Honestly, I loathe her. I hate her. I’m ashamed that I feel this way, but I do. I told my best friend about this and she says that she doesn’t blame me for being angry at the other woman, but she says that there are two sides to every story and my husband should have known better than to get involved with this staff. She also said that men sometimes lie and say that they are having marital problems and that I shouldn’t make assumptions. I see her point, but I also know that when this woman was in my home, she couldn’t stop commenting how nice our home was. She commented on my car and clothing at lunch. There is no question in my mind that she thinks that my husband has a lot of money and that is why she targeted him. I hate her for this. Are my feelings normal?”

I certainly have a strong opinion on this, but I have to be completely forthcoming and tell you that it is a very biased opinion. I have experienced this myself and I hear from a lot of women who experience it on my blog. I am not a mental health counselor, or pastor, or anyone who would really be qualified to talk about this in a professional or objective way. However, my very biased and unprofessional opinion is that yes, it is absolutely normal.

Here is why. You can’t help but see her as someone who very knowingly took up with a man while she was well aware that this man was married. Sure, he may have told her some untruths about his life or his situation (although we have no way of knowing this for sure,) but she still was in your home where it was obvious that your husband lived there and interacted there. What did she think that meant about your marriage? At the very least, it should have been obvious that you are living together as husband and wife. For many decent people, this means that the husband should be off limits.

She knew this and yet she acted anyway. This is not admirable behavior and the results of her actions have caused you a great deal of pain. Of course you are going to feel intensely angry, protective, and defensive. This is just human nature. It is a response over which you can have very little control. Yes, you can most certainly control how you react to these feelings, but you don’t have complete control over whether or not they come up for you.

Another consideration that you might want to consider is that if your marriage is still important to you, it’s not in your best interest to direct every ounce of your anger and your hatred toward your husband. You know him very well. He has done loving and kind things to and for you over the course of the marriage. So of course this past and this history is going to come into play when it’s time to direct your hatred. She is the most logical target.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that your husband gets a free pass or that you let him off the hook. But I think that this process is absolutely normal. Do you always feel such intense hatred toward her? I think that the feelings fade over time. I eventually realized that I was devoting way too much time to thinking about the other woman. This was taking my own power away and it was only making me more angry. It was just exhausting. I eventually decided that I wanted to devote my energy and time on my marriage and on myself. Once I did that, the intense feelings for her faded and I rarely even consider her anymore, except for when I write articles like this.

But I think having an initial feeling of hatred toward her is very normal. I wouldn’t recommend acting on it, however. Because you have more important things to worry about it. And it rarely does any good anyway.

Believe me when I say that it’s in your best interest to try to limit your thinking about her and to focus your thinking on yourself.  I know first hand that this isn’t always easy, but it does help.  If you’d like to read more about recovery, please check out my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who started an affair or a cheating relationship with no intention for it to cross an emotional boundary. In other words, it can be only about sex, or having fun, or creating a diversion.  Unfortunately, both people aren’t always in agreement about this. One person can remain distant while the other person can get attached. When both people don’t agree to the boundaries or one of them falls in love, this can cause a serious problem and an intense dilemma.

Common comments are things like: “I am sorry that I ever started messing around with my personal trainer. I never meant to cross the line, but I really needed to lose some weight quickly. So I spent hours at the gym and we started working side by side very closely. My husband was actually very supportive of this because he knows how it important it is to me to look my best. I never intended to start an affair. But it happened. It has gone on for about four months. I never thought about my intentions with this. I never thought that this was going to be a lasting thing and I’m pretty sure that I’m not in love with the other man. But the other man is claiming that he is in love with me. I don’t get it because he’s younger than me and could get someone much better looking. But now he’s trying to get me to leave my husband to be with him. I don’t think this is going to happen. I’m committed to my husband. I could never make it financially on my own. And I never intended to hurt anyone. What can I do?”

How to proceed from here had to be this wife’s decision to make on her own. However, I could offer her some insights and some considerations to think about. I will share those below.

If You’re Not In Love With The Other Person And You Don’t Intend To Take The Relationship Any Further, You Probably Have An Obligation To Just Be Honest: I understood that this wife never looked toward the future when she acted and began a relationship with the other man. This is true in many cases. Often, it is the woman in the relationship that wants more while the man (usually the cheating husband) wants less while never intending to allow the additional relationship to affect or end his marriage.

I often find that people seem a little shocked when the other person proclaims their love. Perhaps this shock stems from the fact that it’s often an implication that the relationship is never going to go beyond something secret and temporary. But I often find it interesting to think that this is a situation where people are going to sleep together and engage in intimate acts and then assume that over time, it’s still going to mean nothing. The point is, you can’t necessarily blame the other person for developing feelings over time. Both of you may have gone into it thinking that there would be no strings attached, but it’s actually very common for the feelings to intensify as time goes on.

If you truly don’t believe that the relationship can go anywhere (and why would it if your marriage is important to you,) then it’s my belief that you have a moral obligation to be upfront and honest. Of course you don’t want to hurt anyone. And you don’t want to appear to be cruel. But I think that it’s more important to be honest than to try to spare feelings. Even more important, if you are not honest as soon as this crops up, removing yourself from this situation might actually become more difficult as the other person becomes more and more attached.

A suggested script might be something like: “I’m a little surprised to hear you say that. I’m certainly flattered. But now that I’m hearing this, it’s apparent to me that this isn’t healthy for us. I can’t take this relationship any further because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone. I realize at this point that I need to retreat and focus on my marriage. I’m so sorry that I dragged you into this. It’s not fair to you and I apologize from the bottom of my heart. It was my mistake and I was wrong to involve you. I hope that you understand.”

It’s probably unrealistic to think that the other man isn’t going to be hurt by this. He likely believes that he has real feelings and he may feel rejected or he may perceive that you lead him on in some way. Notice though, that I phrased the above very carefully. I didn’t even bring up any romantic feelings or insinuate that feelings of “being in love” were in any way reciprocated. I also tried to make it clear that no blame was being assigned.

The idea is that you are kind and direct, but that you take full responsibility for your actions and you hope that the other person is well in the long run.

What you want to do about your marriage is up to you. But this wife was pretty clear on the fact that she was committed to staying with her husband. So once the affair relationship had ended, that was precisely what she should do.

Luckily, I don’t think there were any romantic feelings in my husband’s affair, although I do believe that with work, anything can be overcome.  Recovering from the affair is can be difficult, but if you take it one step at a time, it is possible and it is often worth it.  If it helps, you read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who are desperately trying to regain their sense of self confidence and trust after their husband has had an affair.  Often, they desperately want to believe that their husband is remorseful, rehabilitated, and that he will not cheat again.  But somewhere, deep down, these wives live with the fear and the dread that he will be unfaithful again one day in the future.  And, because this is so painful, they want to prepare themselves for any possibility.  So, they start to consider the odds that he will one day repeat this behavior.

Common comments are things like: “after I found about my husband’s affair, I kicked him out of the house.  I didn’t want to have anything whatsoever to do with him.  He stayed away for about six weeks but then he started calling and texting me constantly.  He said that he was devastated by his actions and that he can’t stand the thought of losing me.  He started pursuing me relentlessly.  I did allow him to start seeing me again, although I was very clear about the fact that I had no idea what I was going to ultimately decide in regards to my marriage.  Over time, my husband and I started to laugh and reconnect again.  I eventually decided to take him back.  And for the most part we are happy.  We’ve done a lot of work on ourselves and on our marriage.   But I still worry that he will cheat again.  He’s not acting weird or anything like that.  He’s not doing anything to make me suspicious.  But, he didn’t do anything to make me feel suspicious the first time that he cheated.  So, what are the chances that he will cheat again?”  I will try to address these concerns below.

The Statistics On Repeat Cheaters:  You know the old phrase “once a cheater always a cheater?”  Well, this leads you to believe that once a person cheats, then he is almost certain to do it again, as if cheaters have some sort of personality flaw that dictates that they can never remain faithful to just one person.  The reality isn’t quite as dire as this old saying.  Statistics can vary widely but the recent ones that I have found indicate that anywhere from 22 to 55 percent of people who cheat once cheat again.  So obviously, it’s not an absolute certainty that he is going to cheat on you again.  Depending on which statistics you believe, you have anywhere from about a one in four chance to a one in two chance that he will cheat again.

But honestly, I don’t put a lot of my faith in statistics because they don’t take into account the personality of the couple and the rehabilitation work that the couple may have done.   I do believe that there are many things that you can do to ensure that the chances of him cheating on you are very low.  I will discuss those things now.

Things That You Can Do To Decrease The Chances That He Will Cheat Again:  Probably the most important thing that you can do in this regard is to make your marriage as strong and as stable as it can possible be.   When I say this, many people will assume that I mean that you must make your sex life very exciting so he won’t need to get more exciting sex from someone else.  But frankly, infidelity is not all about sex.  Many experts believe that sex is more about seeking an emotional connection or about seeking an escape.

So the intimacy and emotional bond that you have with your spouse is every bit as important as the physical connection that you have with your spouse.  You will also want to make sure that any personal issues or struggles that may have motivated your spouse to partake in risky behavior have been addressed and fixed.  I know that all of this might sound like a tall order.  But if you can accomplish these things, you can significantly reduce the chance that your spouse will cheat again.

Finally, you want to make it very clear that you are going to be very observant.  Your spouse must know that it will be very challenging for him to get away with cheating again.  They should believe that if they even try to be dishonest or unfaithful, then you are going to catch them.

Know That You Can’t Control What Your Spouse Does, But You Can Control Your Reaction To It:  I have learned that it’s very important that you don’t allow yourself to live in constant fear.  If you spend most of your time and energy living in fear that he is going to cheat again, then you have very little time and energy left to enjoy your life and your marriage.  And frankly, this type of fear can harm your marriage and can make it more likely that he is going to cheat again.

I know that it probably feels like you are being asked to take a leap of faith and to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  I know that this is scary.  But I also know that it can really help to build yourself up so that you know that, should the worst one day happen, you are strong enough to handle it.  Honestly, if you can get to this point then it takes away much of the fear.  You can place your focus on other things because you have vowed that you deal with it only if it’s necessary to do so, but you have the freedom to not deal with it until then (if you even have to deal with it at all.)

My strategy on this has always been that I’m going to build up my marriage, and myself, so that both are as strong as possible.  This will give me the best chance that I won’t have to deal with this again.  Once I’ve done that, I let go of the worries and I will tell myself that should the worst case scenario happen, I will deal with it at that time.  Until then, I will live my life without fear.  This has worked well for me so far.  If it helps, you can read more about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who are still disappointed with their progress after their spouse’s affair.  Often, they had assumed that they would have made much more progress than they actually have.  And they are devastated that they are still experiencing pain, worry, and doubt.  As a result, they can start to wonder if they shouldn’t just walk away from their marriage since they now consider it obvious that things are never going to right again.

Common concerns are comments like: “if you would have told me five years ago that I would still be so tormented by my husband’s affair, I would have been so very discouraged.   I can’t believe that I am still going through this.   For the most part, I love my husband and I feel my husband and I are on relatively solid ground.  But I fully admit that I still have serious worries that he is going to cheat on me again.  He hasn’t really done much to facilitate this.  He’s a nice looking man and he’s pretty friendly to both men and women.    Probably, it’s my own insecurities that I am reacting to.  But I still worry.  If he has to be away for work, I always wish that I could go with him even though this isn’t realistic.  If I notice a trend of him coming home a little later, then I worry that he’s seeing someone after hours.  If he gets a wrong number phone call late at night, I become suspicious.  He doesn’t appreciate my lack of trust, but I honestly do still worry.  I probably don’t worry as much as I did in the beginning, but I still worry so much that it affects our lives, our marriage, and my own peace of mind.  I’ve started to realize that this might not be healthy for me.  And I’ve started wondering if it wouldn’t just be better for me to let me husband go.   I don’t think that he wants for me to let him go, but I also don’t see myself ever letting go of my worry.  What can I do?”

I have a definite opinion on this because I’ve been in this place myself.  In fact, I think that the majority of wives who are faced with the task of recovering from their husband’s affair struggle with this.   It’s normal to worry about the same thing happening all over again when the initial instance caused you so much pain and may have caught you off guard.   So, please understand that there is nothing wrong with you if you are still struggling.  Often, if the affair caught you unawares, you were probably in a situation where you thought that your marriage was a good and happy one and yet infidelity happened to you.  So when you rebuild and are happy once again, this doesn’t always make you feel all that much better because you’re in the same situation as you were initially.  So, what’s the say that it won’t happen again?  Well, that’s where you have to identify where you might need to put some safeguards into place.

Take Inventory To See If Any Behaviors Or Situations Are Repeatedly Making You Insecure:   Sometimes, if you look closely, you will find that there are some very identifiable behaviors or scenarios that really bring out your insecurities.   For this wife, she struggled when her husband traveled, which he did quit a bit.  I don’t think that there is anything wrong with your taking a hard look at your marriage and your life in order to determine where you might need some more reassurance.  Yes, this husband had to travel for his job.  But perhaps the couple needed to evaluate if he needed to travel so much.  Sometimes, a change in lifestyle really can make a huge difference.  For example, if your husband’s texting brings out your insecurities, there’s nothing wrong with asking him to stop.   If he goes out with friends who make you uncomfortable or who don’t use good judgment, then I think that all of this is negotiable.

Think about it this way.  Many couples negotiate various things that tax their marriage.  Some examples are things like money, in laws, and parenting.  Many couples have no qualms or reservations about negotiating in other areas of their lives.  But when infidelity happens, talking about it can seem almost  taboo or off limits.  It shouldn’t be this way.  In fact, it’s my experience that it should be just the opposite.  You should be more willing to talk about the things that make you the most uncomfortable and the most worried.

Sometimes, You Have To Make A Calculated Decision:  I understand how you feel.  I struggled with this type of worry for a while and it really start to have a very negative effect on my marriage.   I had to take a hard look and ask myself if my husband was doing anything to perpetuate my worry.  I asked him change bothersome behaviors.  But even with this done, I still worried.  So I decided that I would stop this until and unless my husband gave me a reason not to.  In other words, I made a promise to myself that I would stop my hyper worrying as long as my husband continued to be trustworthy.  That way, I knew that I had permission to go back to my old crutch if he changed his behavior.  He has always upheld his part of the bargain.  So I haven’t had to worry again.

I also made a promise to myself that I would build myself up to the point where I could handle whatever came my way on my own.  This gave me a lot of freedom from worry.  Because I knew that should the worst happen, I would still be fine either way, so what was the point to all of the worry? If it helps, you can read more about my recovery process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who are worried that they haven’t fully healed from their spouse’s affair.  And the reason that they will often give you for this is that they believe that they have forgiven, but they are worried that they haven’t yet been able to forget.  So they are concerned that both of these things are required for true healing.

Common comments are things like: “I have worked very hard to be able to forgive my husband for his affair.  I have been in counseling for months.  And I have made the very conscious decision to go ahead and forgive him because I don’t want to carry around the burden of remaining angry.  But I have to admit that I haven’t been able to forget what he did.  Some days are good days.  But other days, I will have memories of the pain of the affair and then the anger will come back.  I had hoped that once I made the choice to forgive, I could say goodbye to the anger for good.  Am I never going to be able to move past this until or unless I can truly forget it?”  I will tell you my opinion on this in the following article.

Why I Don’t Personally Believe That Forgetting Is Required: I agree that forgiving your spouse is very beneficial.  Like this wife, I felt that a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders once I was able to forgive my own spouse.   This act improved my life, my state of mind, and my marriage and I have never regretted it.    But I have no problem letting you know that I haven’t forgotten either.  And I’m not sure how forgetting is even truly possible.   In order to really forget your spouse’s affair, you would have to never again think of it.  And I’m just not sure how one controls thoughts.

Despite your best efforts, thoughts are going to pop into your head from time to time.   Of course, the more time that has passed and the more that you have healed, the less the thoughts are going to be present.  In my own case, thinking about the affair is not something that happens to me on a constant basis.  Usually, I will see an article or a television show about infidelity that might bring some memories back.   This is just something that is unavoidable.  And the memories and feelings that this evokes are, at least in my own opinion, not something that I can control.

This doesn’t mean that I fall apart or feel intense pain or anger when the memories come back.  For the most part, I am able to move on pretty quickly.  The thought pops into my head, I remind myself of where my marriage and my life are now and I move on.  In a way, the affair is like other challenges we have had in our marriage like financial challenges when we first started out and illnesses that have affected other family members.   Certain things will bring up memories and the pain from these several challenges.  I can’t control my thoughts or my memories.  But it’s the same process with all of them.  Because we overcame them, these memories allow for me to see how far we have come.

But make no mistake.  I haven’t forgotten any of these challenges.  How could I?  They were a part of my life just like the happy memories that I also have.  You take the good with the bad.

Why I Think That Not Forgetting Can Sometimes Be A Benefit:  I’d like to make one final point.  I don’t think that the inability to forget is a completely bad thing.  Knowing that you still recall what you have been through allows you the confidence to know that you could overcome and detect this again if you had to.  Frankly, you probably don’t want to go into any given situation with naivety or complete innocence.  In other words, you can’t pretend that you don’t know what you already know.  And I’m not sure that you would want to.    Some of the self knowledge and the skills that I have learned that relate to my marriage all came about because of the affair and have actually been quite beneficial to me.  I wouldn’t want to trade or deny them.

So to address the concern posed, I consider myself, my marriage, and my family to be healed and I haven’t completely forgotten the affair.  Admittedly, I no longer think about it all of the time or even very regularly.  But occasionally, something will bring up the memories.  I don’t pretend that the memories don’t exist.  I acknowledge them.   I take inventory.  And then I allow them to let me see how far we’ve come.

I don’t think that you need to beat yourself up for not forgetting.  Unless you can bring about amnesia, I just don’t think that it’s completely possible.  But I believe that you can heal anyway.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from spouses who wonder what their responsibility is when it comes to a work place affair. In these types of situations, the company may have guidelines that concern work place relationships. The faithful spouse is often quite understandably angry and hurt and this can motivate them to consider reporting the affair to the cheating spouse’s work.

Common comments are things like: “I found out last week that my husband has been cheating on me with one of his female colleagues. At this point, he says that he is unsure if he’s going to be willing to let her go, although he’s claiming to love me also. This doesn’t fly with me. Part of me wants for him to pay for his actions. I know that his company would not be happy with him or his female colleague if they knew about their relationship. And there have been times when I have considered calling the company and reporting their relationship so that perhaps they will both get reprimanded or even fired. But a couple of my friends who I confided in told me that this is probably not the best idea. The only thing that is keeping me from picking up the phone right now and following through is the thought that perhaps one day I might want to reconcile with my husband. And I know that if I take this step, then a reconciliation might not even be possible. But part of me doesn’t even care. What should I do?”

Before I tell you what is only my opinion, I have to tell you that I’m not an attorney. I didn’t know if either of these folks was in a supervisory position over the other at their jobs. It was clear though that they were both consenting adults. It was also clear that they had both willingly entered the relationship. I do know that there are employment laws that vary by state. I can’t and am not giving legal advice concerning this but I would suggest seeing an attorney if you have concerns about any legalities. I’m also not a mental health professional or marriage counselor. My opinions on this are based on my own life experiences and research.

And I have to be honest and say that my opinion on this is that reaching out to the company or the husband’s boss would not be my highest priority. Here are just some of the reasons why. The wife couldn’t be certain if the company already knew about the relationship. If they didn’t already know, then it was certainly quite possible that they would soon find out. And yes, this disclosure may well have affected her ability to eventually reconcile if she choose to go that way eventually. But I think the biggest issue for me is that I believe that your biggest priority during this time should be yourself.

I also believe that this is why you shouldn’t seek out the other woman, her husband, her job, or her friends. I know that many people disagree with me on this, but my feeling has always been that immediately after an affair, you have more than enough to worry about without needing to create more drama, more tension, and more issues for you to worry about. My feeling has always been to let the other woman worry about herself and the mess that she has created while you hunker down and work on what should be your biggest priority – yourself and your own family.

Finally, many people assume that the organization or the person who they are reporting the affair to is going to welcome this information and thank them for providing it. This isn’t always the case. Sometimes, you will be met with hostility or at least indifference. That’s why I think it’s best for you to focus on yourself and let the rest work itself out.

Now, nothing says that you can’t strongly urge your husband to do the right thing. You could even draw his attention to any concerns that you have regarding the rules or the culture of his workplace, not to mention any moral obligation that he should have. But I personally don’t think that it was in the wife’s best interest to place herself into her husband’s work situation. I know that some people will disagree with me but that’s my opinion. I think that you are often better off focusing your time and attention on yourself and on your own healing. Because often, the universe will make sure that justness and fairness are given out in the end.

Believe me when I say that I understand the need for revenge. But I feel that there are better ways to focus your time and energy. Your first priority should be yourself.    Placing your focus on justice or revenge will often just take your focus away from where it should be.  If it helps, you can read about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are afraid of showing their spouses how they truly feel about the affair. Often, they are so angry that their strong reaction alarms them. Also, they often notice that when just a touch of their anger starts to seep out, their spouse retreats from them or becomes defensive. So they can start to suspect or worry that their anger only makes a bad situation worse. Still, they feel that they have a right to their anger and they don’t want to deny or lie about their feelings.

Common comments are things like: “is it a good idea to be honest about the totality of your anger after your spouse’s affair? Words can not express how mad I am at my husband. I have never been so furious in my life. Most of the time, I hold back on this, especially when my children are around. But sometimes, I just can’t help it. And sometimes, I feel a little bit better when I let it all out. But I notice that when I do, my husband pushes back. And so we end up fighting and losing any gains that we have made. At this point, I am not sure what I want to do about my marriage. If I end up leaving him, then I don’t care if he knows how angry I am. But part of me wants to entertain the idea that we might one day salvage our marriage because of our children. And I worry that if I let him know how angry I really am, that might scare him away or cause him to get defensive. At the same time, I feel like downplaying my anger is almost like lying. And after being cheated on, honesty is so important to me. Should I let him see the truth about my anger? Or should I try to release it in another way?”

These are tough questions. As a wife who has been cheated on, I understand your anger and I believe that you have a right to it. And I think that denying it isn’t honoring yourself. At the same time, I also know how misdirected anger can hurt a marriage that is already greatly struggling. It can also make your spouse wonder if it is ever going to be possible for you to look at him without anger ever again. And, since you don’t know what you want to do about your marriage in the future, it makes sense to try to set it up so that you don’t close any options. In the following article, I will tell you what I think is the best compromise in this situation.

Don’t Deny Your Anger But Don’t Allow It To Get In The Way Of Your Healing: I don’t think that you should lie about your anger or deny it’s existence. However, I think that they are healthy and non healthy ways to unleash it. Ideally, a good counselor can help to facilitate this in a safer and more productive way. But, if one or both of the spouses are resistant to this, then you can set aside certain times to speak candidly. I found setting specific times to discuss certain painful issues to be very helpful. Because once you do this, both you and your spouse will know that there is no need to continuously rehash the same painful issues. When you set aside time to discuss these things, then you both know that you will have your turn and you both know that you will be heard, but you don’t feel the need to continuously bring forth the hurtful topics so that it limits your progress and your healing.

Understand that if you place your sole focus on letting your spouse know how angry you are or if your anger consumes you so that you can focus on nothing else, this will and does impede your healing. The end goal is always to heal and to move past this, even if you ultimately chose to do this without your spouse. In order to begin to move on, you will need to release your anger. But I feel it’s best to release it in the most constructive way possible. Anger for the sake of it or anger that is just meant to hurt or punish really doesn’t do anyone any good at all. It keeps you stuck and it keeps the anger churning so that you get more of the same rather than getting relief.

Yes, you should feel free to be honest with your spouse. He must know the depths of your pain and your anger. But try to release it in a constructive way. Try to limit it to agreed upon times. And try to release it in such a way that you do not lose control of your intention. Because your intention really should be honesty, disclosure, and healing. If you are releasing the anger and you get the sense that you are just unloading and that nothing is getting accomplished, then stop and regroup. It’s important that you don’t define yourself by the anger and that your marriage isn’t defined by the anger.

Of course you have the right to be angry and to express the same. But I know first hand that it’s very easy to just unleash and to be unable to stop. Don’t beat yourself up too much if this happens, but vow to do better the next time by limiting it to the set times. If you feel the need to release it before then, then journal your heart out and don’t hold back. I have some journal entries that are literally seething and it felt so good to write them at the time. But by writing them, I kept myself from losing control with my husband in front of my kids, which never did any of us any good anyway.

Believe me, my husband knew how angry I was and I didn’t need to keep repeating it because doing so only increased my anger and made me feel more like a victim. I mostly wanted to try to move forward rather than staying stuck in the negative emotions. And it’s very easy for this to happen if you allow the anger to take over.

I hope that you are free to feel whatever you are feeling.  But if you find the emotions getting in the way of healing, try journaling or limiting these discussions to set times.  Both of these things helped me immensely.  If you’d like, you can read more about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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