Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are clear on the fact that the only reason that they are considering staying with the spouse who has cheated them or had an affair is because of their children. These spouses often don’t have much use for their cheating spouse or even for their marriage, but they hesitate to leave their marriage because they don’t want for their children to have their family negatively affected by one mistake.

Common comments are things like: “the only reason that I am not walking out on my husband is because of the kids. I found out two weeks ago that my husband has been having an affair with one of his coworkers. He has begged me to try to save our marriage and he promised that he will never be unfaithful again. Frankly, I don’t care if he cheats again or not because I am not at all invested in him anymore. I don’t intend to have the same type of marriage from now on because I can’t imagine being able to trust my husband ever again. But I came from a broken home and I feel like it has negatively affected me even as an adult. I am determined to spare my children from any of that same pain. So I am staying only because of my children. My concern is that even though I am motivated by children, I am not going to be able to keep this marriage together because of my anger and, because of this, my children are going to suffer anyway. Can a marriage work if there has been infidelity and the faithful spouse is only staying because of the children?” I will tell you my take on this in the following article.

Unfortunately, I can’t predict the outcome of anyone’s marriage. But I can recount my own experience, which was similar. I will fully admit that I initially stayed in my marriage because of my children. I didn’t even want to think about my husband, or my marriage, for quite some time following the discovery of the affair. I just wanted to focus on my children and on myself. And I told my husband that he needed to give me some time and some space because I wasn’t even anywhere near ready to deal with the issues that he had brought into our lives. I did leave my home for a while to visit with family, but I think that it was always clear that although I needed a break, I never had any intention of breaking up my family. But I also didn’t know if I would ever look at my husband, or my marriage, in the same way again.

For a long time I kept both at arm’s distance. I just did not want to get or to feel intimate again because I didn’t want to be hurt. But over time I realized that living in a home that lacked real and growing love between the parents wasn’t beneficial to my children either. I realized that the marriage that my children saw growing up was going to be a model for their own marriages. And I didn’t want for them to think that it was OK to live in a marriage with a default commitment but not intimate love.

So I decided to consider rebuilding my marriage. I knew that my husband was a good man who I had once loved very much. I also knew that our marriage was a good one, with which I was content, before the affair. I decided that living in the way that I was, without intimate love, wasn’t fair to me and wasn’t making me happy. I committed to accepting that I deserved no less. I promised myself that I would work tirelessly to get what I wanted and deserved. And since I had already vowed to not leave my marriage, then it was obvious that if I was going to have the love and the bond that I craved, I needed to reignite it with my husband because I wasn’t going to go looking outside of my family.

I’m not going to tell you that this process was easy or fast. It was neither. But today, I am very glad that I was so determined. My children are growing up seeing a very strong and loving marriage modeled for them. They are growing up with both of their parents. I am happy and content today but I do not think that I could say this if I would have vowed to stay but had stopped short of truly rebuilding my marriage.

So to answer the question posed, I believe that it is very valid to have your children as your motivation to stay after an affair. But I also firmly believe that you owe it to yourself to rebuild your marriage so that you are happy and confident once again. Since you know that you are going to stay with your spouse for the long haul, then I feel that you owe it to yourself to rebuild your relationship so that you feel loved and are capable of giving love once again. You don’t deserve to live with the insecurity, the resentment, and the lack of trust that can come about when you don’t do the work necessary to rebuild.

As I said before, I understand where you are right now. I understand committing to your children and no one else. But, in time, I hope that you consider that if you are going to stay, you might as well rebuild so that you can have the love and the marriage that you truly want. Rebuilding isn’t easy, but it’s worth it in my opinion. If it helps, you can read about our rebuilding process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who ask if their spouse is ever going to look at them the same way after they had an affair. Often, the worry is that the trust will never return or that their spouse will always see them as someone who is lacking in integrity and who isn’t the person that was first assumed.

Common comments are things like: “no one is more angry at me than myself about my cheating. I can not believe that I would do something so stupid. I can not believe that I would risk hurting my wife in this way. Why in the world would someone who has a good wife and a good marriage risk all of that for momentary pleasure that was marred by guilt anyway? Believe me, I constantly obsess over what a huge mistake I made and I couldn’t be more remorseful. My wife hasn’t left me yet, thank goodness. I can tell that she is really trying to hang in there. But I can also tell that she no longer loves me in the way that she used to. She looks at me with suspicion and disappointment. I never see that look of total adoration and love on her face that she used to give me almost every day. I wonder if I will ever see that look again. One of my best friends also cheated on his wife and ultimately, it cost him his marriage. He said that his wife just could never look at him the same way again. I’m so worried that this is going to happen to me also. I want for my wife to see me as good person again who is worthy of her admiration. Is this even possible? Or am I wasting my time?” I will try to answer these questions to the best of my ability below.

Understand What Will Give You The Best Chance Of Gaining What You’ve Lost: Before I go any further, I’d like to help you to look at this from the perspective of your spouse. Hopefully, I can help you with this because I was a faithful spouse in this type of scenario. Here is what you need to understand. Your spouse may well miss her old perceptions too. It would not be uncommon for her to wish that she could look at you in the same way. She may well wish that she could turn back time and deny today’s reality. But the problem is that she just can’t. Doing so would require that she could completely deny reality and that is just impossible. You can’t ask your brain and your heart to deny what it already knows. And self preservation is a very strong force. It’s just human nature to want to protect yourself from being hurt again. As the faithful spouse, you know that if you look at your spouse in that previous and open way, then you risk getting hurt again.

So how do you, as the remorseful and cheating spouse make this right again? Well, you have to think about it this way. Your spouse looked at as they did before the cheating because they saw you as an admirable person who was worthy of those emotions. The way they look at you now has changed because your actions have changed. This is completely normal and it doesn’t mean that your spouse loves you any less. However, it does mean that their perceptions of you have lessened because of your actions.

In Order To Change The Perceptions, You Must Change The Way They Look At Your Actions: In order for your spouse to look at you in the same way, they have to have similar perceptions of you. People often wonder if this is even going to be possible. I believe that it is possible, but I also know that it just takes time. I will admit that I saw my own husband as flawed after his affair. I began to wonder if I even knew him as well as I had assumed. I began to question my own perceptions and to evaluate what I had missed in his character. In short, I no longer trusted myself to determine what was real. And yes, I am sure that I no longer looked at my husband in the same loving way as I had before. He had hurt me once and I was determined that this wasn’t going to happen again. So I began to look at him in a suspicious way, searching for more flaws. This went on for some time. But my husband hung in there. He did exactly what he claimed that he would – he proved himself to be a steady husband and a supportive spouse. He remained loyal and faithful. My perceptions did not change overnight. But they did change.

Today, I see him as someone who made a mistake but who has more than made up for it. I like to think that today, I look at him with loving anticipation once again. Have I forgotten about his affair? No, and I never will. That would be impossible. I don’t have amnesia and I can’t pretend that I do. Of course, I remember what is in our marital past. But, what I place my focus on today is our current lives, and our current marriage. And these things have been healed and even improved upon.

So to answer the question posed, I do believe that it is possible for your spouse to one day look at you in a similar way. But I have to be honest and tell you that it is going to take time. And it is going to take you conducting yourself with integrity, loyalty, and genuine concern for your spouse and for your marriage.

As I alluded to, my view of my husband did change after the affair.  I did see him negatively for a while and I believe that this is normal.  But the way that I view him has changed, mostly because of his actions and his behaviors moving forward.  He has proven himself to be trustworthy and faithful and so I now feel safe to look at him favorably again.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who truly want to move past their spouse’s cheating but one huge issue is standing in their way – and that is the issue of fear. It’s absolutely normal and understandable to be so afraid of something that has hurt you so much. When you have been so wounded by the pain of cheating, of course you are naturally going to put up your guard to ensure that this never happens to you again.

There’s a problem with this strategy, of course. While your being this guarded does mean that you are less likely to get hurt again, it also means that you are always have a heavy wall built around you so that real, spontaneous love and trust can no longer find its way in.

Common comments are things like: “how do I begin to let go of the constant and paralyzing fear that my spouse is eventually going to cheat on me again? I want to move past this so badly. My husband and I have done so much work on our marriage since his affair last year. In many ways, our marriage is stronger and better. My husband has done everything that I have asked of him and yet, deep down, I know that he loves me. But I also know that love isn’t always enough. Because if it was, he would have never have cheated on me in the first place. I want to blindly trust him like I used to, but I can’t seem to let go of my fear. My husband is a very nice looking man who has a business that means he is going to have a lot of female clients. This didn’t bother me before the infidelity but now I always wonder about a new client’s appearance. I always worry if he seems to be spending too much time with one of them. If I notice him look too long at someone else when we are out or at a restaurant, I worry about that also. I sometimes find myself taking an accusatory tone with my husband when he is talking about another woman, even if their relationship is completely innocent. I hate feeling this way. I hate that I always worry that he is going to stray again. He has put a lot of work into our marriage. I know that he wouldn’t do that if he intended to cheat again, but I can’t get these worries out of my head. And it is affecting my marriage. My husband gets very frustrated because he feels like he can never win. And I want to stop my feelings but I can’t. How do I move past the fear?” I will try to address these concerns below.

Accept That The Fear Is Normal And Is In No Way Your Fault: As a wife who has been cheated on, I know how awful this feels, but I also know that it is absolutely normal. You must accept that the fear isn’t there because of something that you have done wrong. The fear didn’t just crop up for no reason. The fear cropped up because of a mistake that your husband made. It is a natural reaction to something that isn’t your fault. So please don’t beat yourself up about it or feel that if you were just strong enough, you wouldn’t be experiencing this. You are very strong, but you are dealing with a situation that is very challenging and you are doing the best that you can.

A Method That Might Help You To Move Past The Fear: I will tell you how I moved past the fear. I can’t promise that this method will work for every one but I found it very helpful and I know others that have benefited from it also. For me, it came down to one simple consideration. And I will share that shortly. But before I do, I have to confess that I went through a very similar process. My husband has to travel for his job. It got to the point where I was either constantly traveling with him (which wasn’t healthy for my children) or I was driving myself crazy when he had to travel without me. I would then resent him for putting me in a situation where I felt a lack of control. I became angry at feeling so helpless to overcome these emotions. And one day I asked myself to consider the worst case scenario – that he would cheat again. Then I asked myself what would be the worst thing to come out of that. So I allowed myself to list all of those fears which were: that my children would grow up in a broken home; that I would feel like a fool for trusting him again; and that I would have wasted my time trying to rehabilitate a marriage that was only going to be ruined a second time.

Then, I looked at my list and I thought that I was almost making all of the things that I listed more likely with my fears.  For example, I was so worried about my children and yet they were affected my the tensions that my fears created. I worried about feeling like a fool if he cheated again and yet I felt insecure and silly in my current situation. I worried about wasted time but I had to admit that I spent hours of out every day worrying.

And then a little voice in my head said “if it happened, you would handle it then like you have handled it before. But you won’t allow this fear to steal away another minute of your life.” That was the turning point for me. I had done enough individual work on myself that I knew that I had become much stronger and I knew that I could handle it if I had to deal with this again.  I certainly wouldn’t like it.  But I was capable. And I vowed that I would do everything in my power to strengthen my marriage and remove any vulnerabilities and then I would chose to have faith in myself, and in my husband, and in the universe’s wisdom. And I decided that I would deal with infidelity if it surfaced again but I realized that by worrying about it, I was continuing to give up pieces of my life and that was almost as bad as the actual infidelity. And so I let it go. And it was a huge relief. It was so wonderful to walk away from that suffocating fear and this improved my marriage also.

I have to say that my fears have never been realized.  I honestly think that my husband would have been more likely to cheat again if I had been unable to let the whole thing go.  I have more confidence and I am willing to just wait and see what happens rather than sabotaging my life with anxiety and worry.  It is a much more satisfying reality and it has been very beneficial to every member of my family.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, I hear from wives who are particularly upset over the age of the other woman. Quite often, the infidelity is particularly painful because the other woman is younger. This can cause a very direct hit to the wife’s self esteem and she can begin to wonder how her husband would ever be attracted to her again when he has access to someone with a smooth face and a youthful body. On the other hand, women whose husbands cheat with someone who is older can have a difficult time too because they worry that their husband might be serious about the other woman. Since he obviously isn’t chasing youth, then why else would he pursue her other than the fact the relationship, or his feelings, are genuine?

Common comments are things like: “the other day, I went out to lunch with a couple of my girlfriends. And, as it always does, the conversation went back to my husband’s affair. These ladies are so sweet to humor me and to listen to my problems. We began talking about the other woman, who is actually a couple of years older than us. One of my friends said that it is better that she is older because my husband will probably get bored with her much more easily. But the other friend disagreed. She said that when a man cheats with a younger woman, then this is obviously a mid life crisis that is going to pass. Her theory is that the man will generally wake up one day and understand that he is acting like an old fool. But a man who cheats with an older woman is more likely to think that he is pursuing something real and he is more likely to actually try to make a relationship with the other woman work. Who is right here? Does it matter if she is older or younger? Or is it infidelity cheating regardless of the other person’s age?” I will tell you my opinion on this in the following article.

My take on this is that although cheating is cheating regardless of the cheater’s age, the age of the other person can sometimes (but not always) give you some clues about the cheater’s mindset.

Gauging The Mind Set Of The Unfaithful Spouse: People who cheat with those younger than themselves are usually trying to hold back the perception of their own age, at least in some ways. This cheating usually comes at a crisis point in their life or when they are coming face to face with mortality or the frailty of life. Being involved with someone younger can improve their perception of themselves or can prove to them they are still desirable or that they still have something to offer. It can also offer some momentary relief from self doubt.

On the other hand, people who cheat with someone their own age or who is older are more likely to be looking for someone who understands and appreciates them.  They are also a bit more likely to see the relationship as one that might last (although plenty of people who cheat with those who are younger may also hope that the relationship lasts.)

Healing Is The Same Regardless Of Age: So what does all of this mean? I think that it could potentially help you to pinpoint your spouse’s potential motivation for cheating, but, in the end, the healing process is the same for both types of cheating. You will still need for him to completely end the relationship and to recommit to your marriage. You will still need to reestablish the trust and intimacy. You will still need to improve the way in which you address issues as they crop up and before they leave you vulnerable. And you will still need to uncover any issues that might have left you vulnerable to the cheating and then  fix them. These things are true regardless of the other person’s age.

Also, I don’t think that the age of the other person necessarily affects your ability to move on. I am not sure that it’s easier to move on if the other woman was older or younger. Either way, your self esteem and trust can take a huge hit. It is still a betrayal regardless.  But that doesn’t mean that you can’t move past it, although it often takes work, self love, and time.

I know that it can feel as if healing is so far away, but please hang in there and always give yourself what you need so that you can move forward, even if you have to take tiny baby steps.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks dealing with a spouse who is trying to retract a confession of cheating. Often, the faithful spouse has serious doubts about the truthfulness of these claims. Because usually, the attempted retraction comes after the alleged cheating spouse experiences the negative consequences of their confession.

Common comments are things like: “three weeks ago, I confronted my husband about suspicions that he was having an affair. I had been noticing his increased communication with a woman at his work as well as him working late constantly. Also, he just wasn’t invested and interested in our life at home. At first, he denied any wrong doing. But I kept at him and he finally confessed that they have had an inappropriate relationship which he would classify as an emotional affair since they have not yet slept together. Well, I was devastated and I demanded that my husband go with me to counseling. I made the appointment and when it was time to get ready to go, my husband told me that he had lied about the affair and that nothing whatever has been inappropriate. He said that he just wanted for me to be jealous and he was hoping that this would make me pay attention to him again. I don’t believe him. I think that he just doesn’t want to go to counseling. But I also don’t have any proof that he was actually cheating. How do I handle this?” I’ll offer some suggestions below.

This is a difficult situation. Unless the wife could come up with proof, she would have to decide if she wanted to accept her husband’s claims or if she wanted to reject them. However, in the meantime, I would suggest acting as if you still have a serious marital issue. I’ll explain why below.

Regardless Of Whether Actual Cheating Happened, There’s Obviously A Problem: I had no idea why the husband was trying to back track or if he was telling the truth. But obviously, regardless of the cheating issue, this couple had serious issues to address. Clearly, the husband was avoiding being home and was escaping to his job. Also, he was claiming to feel ignored and unappreciated. In fact, he was claiming that this was such a big problem that he was motivated to lie about an affair just to get his wife’s attention.

Yes, he could have been lying in an attempt to escape the fall out of his actions. But he wasn’t likely to admit this untruth any time soon. And even if he did, there might be some doubt as to which time he was actually lying and which time he was actually telling the truth. So my suggestion would be to table the validity of the cheating discussion right now and just begin to systematically address the other issues, knowing that once you do, the truth is going to eventually come out.

You’re Going To Need Rehabilitation Regardless Of The Truth Of The Infidelity: Even if this wife took her husband’s claims at face value and decided to believe that there was no affair, it appeared to me that their marriage still needed some serious rehabilitation. There was serious issues of trust, honestly, integrity, and connectedness that needed to be addressed right away. The counselor’s office was probably the best place to address this, but the wife may have to ease the husband into the process, since he was clearly very resistant.

How You Might Respond To This: The wife was stuck as to how to best phrase her response. She didn’t believe her husband. But she worried that if she boldly called him a liar, this was only going to inspire more fighting and more problems. This is understandable, but I feel it’s necessary to be very direct and honest. A suggested response might be something like: “I hear what you are saying but surely you can understand why I am skeptical. One day, you’re telling me there was an emotional and potentially physical affair and the next day, you’re suddenly only trying to make me jealous because your so unhappy in our marriage. All of these things are serious problems that signify we have many issues to address before we can heal from this. So regardless of the affair issue, we are going to need to do some work on the other issues within our marriage. I believe that we should still go to counseling. I am willing to allow you to help chose the counselor if that would make you more comfortable. But I don’t think that this is something that the two of us are qualified to tackle on our own. I can either keep the appointment that we already have or if you’re not excited about this counselor, then let’s find one that we are both excited about. Neither of us deserves to live in a marriage that makes us this unhappy. So let’s work together to fix this.”

You may not get to the truth of the affair immediately. But I suspect that once you strengthen the marriage and reestablish the bond, you might find that the truth inadvertently comes out because neither of you want this sort of thing between you any longer. I have no way of knowing if this husband actually cheated or not, but I wouldn’t let this claim discourage me from getting the help that this marriage needed.

My strategy in these situation is always to act “as if” the infidelity happened.  What I mean by that is that you can still address issues of intimacy and trust regardless.  And even if no cheating occurred, this can still greatly improve your marriage, which is always a good thing.  Rehabilitation isn’t always easy, but in my case, it was worth it.  If it helps, you can read more about my process on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who wonder how much time their husband spends thinking about or indulging in memories of the other woman in the affair. Some wives are afraid to even ask about these suspicions. And some get up the courage to ask but are told to stop asking questions that only cause pain. Or they are told that they are seeing conflict where none exists.

Common comments are things like: “my husband’s affair has been over for about four months. I do not think that he is still seeing the other woman. He is home all of the time now and I make it my business to check up on him. However, even though he isn’t literally with her, I sometimes feel as if he is thinking about her all of the time. Often, I will look at my husband when he doesn’t realize that I am even in the room and he will have a wistful look on his face and he will have a small smile or laugh. I know in my heart that he is thinking about good times with her. But when I ask him about this, he tells me that I am being ridiculous and that he has much more to worry about right now than the past. I don’t believe him. He knows that if he discloses he is thinking about her then it will hurt me. So I feel like he’s lying. I happen to know that they did a lot of fun things together. He took her on trips. They went to exotic locations. He spent a lot of money on her that he never spent on me. So is he thinking of the fun past with her? Or I am just being paranoid?”

Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing what this husband was thinking about. However, I do feel that I have a decent amount of insight about this from my own experience and from the people who comment on my blog. I can share with you what cheating spouses often think about in terms of the affair in the hopes that these insights will help you.

People Can Feel Longing Toward The Other Person, Especially At First: I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that your spouse won’t think about the other person ever again. This isn’t always true. They can have memories and they can feel longing. This is especially true if they had to abruptly had to end the affair and didn’t have much closure. They can also feel guilt at hurting or misleading the other person. So while it can be normal for them to have various types of feelings when they think of the other person, it’s important to understand that they truly can not control their thoughts. What really matters is how they react to these feelings. If they are remaining faithful and are working very hard with you to fix your marriage, then this is really what is most important.  Often, they don’t want to admit to these feelings because they worry about how you will take this.

Understand That Any Feelings Of Longing Will Usually Fade Over Time: I often suggest that couples not get too discouraged in the weeks immediately following the discovery of the affair. Emotions can run very high and things are often very different as time passes. Also, if the cheating spouse is experiencing longings or memories in the beginning, this typically fades with time. Since they are no longer seeing the other person, the feelings of connectedness and intimacy have no way to continue as there is nothing to feed or support them. And as time passes, sometimes his feelings turn from longing to regret, sorrow, or guilt. He may see things much more clearly and realize that the relationship and the other person isn’t at all what he had originally thought.  With the passage of time, it is often easier to see past mistakes and to see where assumptions were wrong.

Try To Create Your Own New Memories For Both Of You To Think About: Please believe me when I say that I know how you feel. I know how painful it is to worry if your husband is still thinking of her. But one of the best ways to overcome these worries and insecurities is to create your own new memories. Nothing says that this wife couldn’t ask her husband to take her to new, exotic locations. Obviously, you don’t want to go to the same locations he went with the other woman, but you certainly deserve to take your own trips and to create your own memories. As the two of you begin to rebuild and you begin to feel more secure, you will usually find that you don’t worry as much if he is thinking about her because you know for a fact that he is thinking about you. In other words, if you can make your marriage very strong and you know that you are very intimately connected with your husband again, then you don’t place your attention on other things. Rebuilding your marriage can give you the confidence to know that she should no longer be on your list of worries.  But of course, this all takes time.  Please give yourself the luxury of time and don’t focus so much on these worries that you don’t keep moving forward.

I understand how frustrating it can feel to assume the worst about his feelings or memories. But understand that the quickest way to move away from these worries is to build yourself back up. You are worthy and desirable and you should not be assuming that you are not. I know this is a difficult lesson to embrace, but healing makes it necessary. If it helps, you can read about my recovery process on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are beyond remorseful for having an affair. Often, they would do absolutely anything in order to be forgiven. And, they have often tried multiple things in order to achieve this goal, but have been unsuccessful. This leaves them wondering if there will ever be a resolution or if their one time mistake is going to mean that forgiveness will never be possible and that there is a chance that their marriage can never be saved.

Common comments are things like: “I had an affair about two and a half years ago. In the beginning, my husband said that he would try to forgive me eventually so that we could try to save our marriage. To my husband’s credit, he didn’t leave me. He did stay with me, although our marriage has never even begun to recover. He still has so much anger toward me. I have offered to go to counseling. I have waited for there to be improvements. But there haven’t been any. Lately, my husband has started going out with coworkers instead of coming home after work. I am sure that female coworkers tag along. If he were to cheat on me, I am not sure that I can even blame him. But at this point, over two years have gone by and he still seems as angry with me as when he first found out. I haven’t looked at another man since then and I never will again. But I am wondering at which point I should accept that I am never going to be forgiven. And if I’m not going to be forgiven, then this probably means that my marriage is over, right?”

I am not sure if there is ever any time frame on this. Every one situation is unique and different. And, I’m not sure that I would ever encourage anyone to give up on forgiveness. Sometimes, it does come when it is least expected or when the cheating spouse stops asking for it. And frankly, forgiveness isn’t always necessary to saving your marriage, especially at first. But I think that every one can agree that it is often the gold standard. In the following article, I will offer some tips which might help to put this in perspective in order to help this wife come up with a sensible next step.

Every Ounce Of Healing Does Not Hinge on Forgiveness: I completely understand wanting to be forgiven. I was the faithful spouse, but I know that my spouse started asking for forgiveness almost immediately. People want forgiveness because it signifies an improvement or a sense of relief. It shows that at least at some point in the future, your spouse might be willing to put this behind them and to start over with a clean slate. And this might mean that you aren’t going to have to make up for or live with this mistake for the rest of your life.

I do understand this, but at the same time, it’s important to look at the other side of this in order to understand why your spouse may have a hard time with forgiveness, at least right now. Many people assume that if they do forgive, then they are almost condoning the act of cheating. Many faithful spouses tell me that they are reluctant to forgive because they don’t want to give off the impression that they are ever going to be OK with their spouse’s infidelity or that they are ever going to be able to forget about it.

It can take quite some time for the faithful spouse to understand that they get to define the terms of the forgiveness and that it doesn’t always mean that forgiveness is the same as negating or erasing the affair.

But please don’t make the mistake of thinking that you can’t and won’t make any progress if you don’t get forgiveness. So many people will sort of place everything on hold and think that they can’t move forward or can’t try to improve their marriage until their spouse finally can offer forgiveness. This isn’t the case. And many couples waste a lot of time waiting for this. You absolutely can make progress and improvements without either of you needing to make any firm commitments. I believe that is a mistake to put progress on hold while you are waiting.

Understand That Trying To Force Forgiveness Can Actually Cause Much More Harm Than Not Pursuing It: I can tell you from the perspective to the faithful spouse that it can be very frustrating when you feel pressured to offer something that you just aren’t ready to give. Sometimes, you just feel like telling your spouse that if they aren’t willing to wait or to give you the time that you need, then your answer will have to be the one that they don’t want to hear. It can also make you feel as if your spouse cares more about your offering forgiveness or about your letting them off the hook than they feel about your healing or about your feelings. And this can hurt your marriage much more than forgiveness could ever help it.

This is only my opinion but my advice in this situation would be to hope for the forgiveness but not to demand it or keep pestering your spouse for it. When they are ready to offer it, they will. And there is plenty of progress that can be made without it. It is vital that your spouse understands that your marriage and their well being are more important to you than anything that you are asking from them.

Frankly, I only got more and more angry and frustrated with my husband when he pressured me for forgiveness.  And I actually offered it once he stopped asking for it and placed the focus on my well being rather than his own comfort level.  To be honest, it is much easier to forgive when your spouse is worried more about you than about themselves.  Our marriage did improve before I forgave, but my letting go took a huge weight off of my shoulders.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from folks who are extremely confused as to why a cheating spouse would boldly proclaim that they still care deeply for their faithful spouse. It’s normal to wonder why someone who seemingly cared so little for you that they would cheat would now pretend to care so much. This can leave the faithful spouse wondering if this is just another lie, and if not, then how this type of contradiction is even possible.

Common comments are things like: “I can’t understand why my husband is now saying that he still cares for me. If he cared so much, he wouldn’t have cheated on me. And frankly, even if he does care, what does it matter now? He’s ruined our marriage with his infidelity and saying that he cares now is almost like he is rubbing salt in my wounds. Part of me thinks he is saying this because he thinks that it will make us both feel better. But it doesn’t make me feel better at all. In fact, it makes me feel worse. Because it makes me see what a waste all of this was. It makes me see how much his cheating has cost us. Why would my husband tell me that he still cares? His caring doesn’t matter.” I will try to answer this question below.

He May Be Sincere When He Says He Still Cares: Many wives assume that their husband is lying when he claims to still care. They assume that he is trying to lighten things up or to offer up some sort of consolation. I understand why you might feel this way. But I can tell you that many people who cheat believe that they still love their spouses very much. I know that it sounds like an excuse to say that often cheating doesn’t have anything to do with love for your spouse, but from my own experience and research, I believe this to be true. Please don’t think that I’m making excuses for people who cheat. I truly am not. I was the faithful spouse in my own marriage, so I don’t have a lot of patience for excuses either. But I do believe that people are often motivated to cheat for reasons that don’t have anything to do with a lack of love or caring for their spouse.

He May Be Hoping That His Feelings Still Matter To You: Sometimes, when a cheating spouse alludes to the fact that they still care, they are trying to feel you out to see if there might be a chance for your marriage. They are looking to see what type of reaction you are going to give them. Sometimes, they are trying to lay the ground work for an apology, but they are trying to gauge how receptive you are to them before they risk a painful rejection.

He May Be Wanting For You To Know That His Feelings For You Haven’t Changed Despite His Mistake. He May Be Offering You Reassurance That None Of This Is Your Fault: Most cheaters feel a good deal of remorse for their actions and most feel very guilty that they have caused you pain. This may not be completely evident, especially in the beginning, because people tend to posture until they get a clear picture of how you are going to react. Regardless, most cheating spouses want to reiterate that their actions were theirs alone. They may want for you to know that this mistake is not reflective of their feelings for you and they also want to stress that their mistake has nothing to do with anything that you did or didn’t do. In other words, they want for you to believe that none of this is your fault.

Deciding Where To Go From Here: I know that sorting all of this out can be confusing and painful. But remember that you are in control. You get to decide how you want to react to his claims that he still cares. I can tell you from experience that very often, your receptiveness toward him and feelings about him will change with time. You may think that you don’t want anything to do with him right now, but this may change in the weeks and months ahead. That’s why my suggestion is to tell him that you hear what he is saying, but that you need some time to process this and to determine your course of action. Nothing says you have to make long term decisions about him or your marriage right now. He may still care for you. And you may still care for him, but much healing and rehabilitation should happen in the future. And it makes sense to take things slowly and to travel one step at a time.

So while it can be reassuring or sometimes confusing to hear him say that he still cares, know that often the truth is going to come out over time. If he really cares, you will see him showing constant and sincere remorse and you will see him put your healing and your marriage first. Sure, he can say that he cares. And he may have various reasons for saying so, but it is his long term actions that matter more than his words, especially after infidelity.

I didn’t believe my husband at first when he claimed to still love me after his infidelity.  I required actions and not words.  Luckily, his long term actions were in alignment with his words and we eventually recovered. If it helps, you can read more on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who can’t help but wonder if their husband is still thinking about the woman with whom he cheated and had an affair, especially during intimate times, like having sex.  Intimacy and sex can be difficult enough after infidelity, but wondering about him thinking of the other woman can make it worse.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated with one of his customers.  He told me about it and couldn’t apologize enough.  He begged me to give him another chance and has promised that he will show me that he can be a good and faithful husband.  I still love him and we have children together, so I am giving him that chance.  For the most part, we are doing OK.  But sex is interesting.  Because honestly, it’s a little better than it was than before the infidelity.  He is a lot more enthusiastic during it.  So this makes me wonder if he is thinking about the other woman when we make love.  I have asked him about this and he has denied it.  But I don’t believe him.  So what is the truth?  Do men think about the other woman when having sex with their wife? And does this mean that he still has feelings for her or that he is going to cheat with her all over again?”  I’m going to answer this as best as I can in the following article.

I’m not going to lie to you.  Yes, men sometimes do think of the other woman when having sex with their wives.  But they aren’t always thinking of her longingly or getting turned on by these thoughts.   Sometimes, when he thinks of her, he feels regret because he realizes just how badly he has messed up and just how much he has hurt two different people with his poor decision making and lack of impulse control.

And yes, some men will actually think about previous sexual encounters with the other woman when they are with their wife, but they often are not doing this on purpose and they regret it when it happens.  Frankly speaking, they can not control the thoughts that pop into their head and this doesn’t mean that they still want the other woman or intend to pursue her once again.

I think that it’s fair to say that all of us have had times when images of other people come into our mind when we are interacting with our spouse. Sometimes it’s a celebrity or an old boyfriend or even a coworker.  Often, we are embarrassed or confused about this but we can’t control the thoughts that pop into our heads either.  And as long as we don’t act on this or use it to withdrawal from our spouse, I don’t think that it’s harmful, especially since we can’t help it.

The More You Heal And The More Time That Passes, The Less That This Is Going To Happen:  This situation was still quite fresh for this couple.  Frankly, I had no idea what this husband might have been thinking about during intimacy, but I didn’t find it strange that the husband was more enthusiastic.  Often, people are very relieved that they have been given another chance, so yes, they are very turned on during sex.  Because they know just how close they came to losing their spouse and to never having sex with them again.

If the husband was denying these thoughts, then I felt that it was a good idea for the wife to trust his claims and to just continue on but to also be aware.  Quite honestly, the longer amount of time that passes between your healing and the affair, the less likely it is for the thoughts and memories to continue on.

It was my opinion that the best thing that the wife could do right now was to continue to try to heal her marriage and to give her husband the benefit of the doubt, unless he gave her a reason not to.  She admitted that her husband hadn’t acted strangely and was, for the most part, attentive and loving.  So it made sense to continue on as they had been.  While it was possible that he thought of the other woman from time to time, these thoughts and feeling should continue to fade, especially as healing continues to occur.

But to answer the question posed, it can a mistake to assume that your husband is thinking of the other woman every time you have sex.  I’m not saying that this isn’t possible because it is.  But him having thoughts popping into his head can be normal and it doesn’t mean that he still desires the other woman or has any intention of going back to her.

At this point, the husband had been doing exactly what he had promised.  He was being attentive, remorseful, and loving.  So until that changed, I felt that the wife should try very hard not to dwell on this.  Because once you completely strengthen and heal your own marriage and a good deal of time has passed, then you shouldn’t have to worry about her anymore.

I will admit that this was a worry of mine in the early stages of my healing.  In fact, for a while, it made me want to avoid sex.  But over time, these fears receded because my husband had proven with his actions that what he said was true.  And with time, that made a huge difference.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery process on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who just can not fathom how their spouse would have an affair when he must have realized how much of a negative effect this was going to have on his family. These confused faithful spouses will often tell you that their cheating spouse is a careful and considerate person, so they just can not understand how he could have done something like this.

Common comments are things like: “I am so shocked that my husband had an affair. I never thought that he was that type of person. He is a very good man and he has never done anything to hurt me before. We have had friends who have gone through infidelity and we have both seen how unbelievably painful this is for the entire family. I can’t believe that he would put us in this position. Don’t people who cheat or have affairs consider what this is going to do to their spouse?” I will try to answer these questions below.

Why Decent People Take The Risk To Cheat: I have to admit that I am the faithful spouse so I don’t have the direct experience of the cheater’s thought process. But I hear from many folks who have had affairs on my blog.  Most deeply regret it once the truth is out.  And from this correspondence, I have developed the opinion that although many do worry about what is going to happen once their spouse finds out, many are also hoping with everything that they have that their spouse is never going to find out. In fact, many believe that they are being extremely careful and that the chance of discovery is quite low. Also, most are not thinking very clearly during this time.

I have repeatedly noticed that affairs very commonly happen at a time of great stress. Examples are after becoming parents, after gaining or losing a job, or after going through a life altering experience like the loss of a loved one, an illness, or another “close call.” What I mean by this is that people are most likely to cheat when they are the most vulnerable. I am certainly not saying this in order to excuse the cheating. But it is my observation that it is true. And, the point that I am trying to make is that many factors can contribute to your spouse not thinking very clearly, which might be why responsible, caring, and conscientious folks sometimes cheat on their spouses. They take this risk even though in the back of their minds they know there is a chance that their choice is going to cause a lot of pain. And they do this even when they care about their spouse greatly. Because they are hoping that you will never find out and therefore you will not feel the pain.

Making Sure That He Knows How This Has Affected You: I have to say that most of the time, your spouse knows how much this has disappointed and hurt you. With that said, some people will try to downplay or diminish their actions because acknowledging reality is difficult and painful for everyone involved. You have every right to tell your spouse how this has affected you and your family. However, I also have to mention that there is a fine line between being open and honest and being repetitive. Cheating spouses often comment that although they are deeply sorry for the pain that they have caused, they can’t help but distance themselves from the whole situation as a form of self preservation. They often say that every conversation centers around how they have ruined everything. They will tell you that their spouse never passes up the opportunity to let them know how they have messed up. And as result, they will sometimes start to tune you out just because it is human nature to want to resist hearing negative things about yourself on a regular basis. So you want to make sure that they understand what they have set into motion, but you also want to focus on healing and rehabilitation because neither of you deserve to have every waking moment centered on something so painful.

But to answer the question posed, most people do realize that they are taking a risk. Often, they will try to put this in the back of their mind because they are often struggling on many different levels. Plus, they will often do everything that they possibly can in order to keep this a secret so that no one is hurt. When this strategy fails, they often see your pain first hand and they can’t deny the horrible affect this has had. But sometimes, they tune this out or distance themselves from it because it is very painful to face this head on, especially since they caused it in the first place. That’s why it can help for you to be very clear about the aftermath. But once you are sure that he understands the cost of his actions, then it is time to turn your attention to how you want to proceed and how (or if) you want to fix this. Because dwelling on the fall out can sometimes make your spouse retreat even further and that doesn’t benefit anyone.

I truly believe that my husband understood very clearly how the affair impacted our family.  There were times when he wanted to pretend that he didn’t. but I believe that deep down, he understand our new reality.  Regardless, I needed for him to work tirelessly to make this right again.  Both of us had a lot of work to do, but we eventually recovered.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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