Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who are confused on many different levels.  On the one hand, they are struggling to process their spouse’s infidelity as best as they can.  But, often, their spouse’s behaviors conflict with their verbal claims.  For example, a spouse can confess to the affair and beg his spouse to give him a chance to make it right again and then turn around and act in such a way as to contradict this.

I heard from a wife who said: “to be quite honest, I did not suspect my husband of having an affair. Things were going well for us.  If he hadn’t told me about the affair, I would never have guessed.  But he did tell me and then he promised to make things right between us again.  Well,  I’m still waiting for the behavior that I expected. Because for the past couple of days, he has been almost indignant.  He’s distant and he’s no longer as apologetic as he was.  It’s almost as if he’s waiting for me to make the first move.  Why would he even decide to tell me about the affair if he wasn’t going to do anything to make it right?  Why hurt me this way if nothing is going to make this knowledge worth it?”

There are many reasons that spouses decide to come clean about the affair.  Some reasons are sincere and others aren’t.  I will go over some of these reasons below, as well as suggest some tips for this wife.

Sometimes, The Guilt Becomes Unbearable:  It’s not uncommon for spouses to worry that they are going to be caught even if this isn’t the reality of the situation.  Many times, the guilt leads them to believe that you suspect something when you really don’t.  Other times, they just can not stand to live with the deception for any longer.  So they figure that the best way to counter the guilt is to finally stand up and have accountability for their actions.

Sometimes, They Want To Save Their Marriage:  Many spouses decide that the affair was a grave mistake and they realize that they want to save their marriage and never take their spouse for granted again.  And, part of that is being honest.  They don’t feel that they can be the spouse that they need and want to be if they keep this kind of secret.  Many no longer want to live a lie.  They want to be honest and do whatever is necessary to rebuild.

Sometimes, They Are Forced Into The Admission: I’ll offer up one final possibility.  There are times when the other person or a well meaning friend or co worker decide that you need to know about the affair and they tell your husband that if he doesn’t tell you about the affair, then they will.  This often leaves him without any choice, even if his original intention was to keep this to himself. I am not saying that this was the case here, but I am saying that this sometimes happens.

Where To Go From Here: I completely understood why the wife wanted to know where the admission was coming from.  After all, if the husband confessed out of love or a moral obligation, then this was better than him confessing out of necessity.  You can always ask that question, although I’d suggest trying not to ask it in an accusatory way.

A suggested script might be something like: “I’m starting to wonder why you ever told me about the affair.  You say that you want to make it right and yet, I haven’t seen you do one thing to follow through with that.  I have seen no actions or behaviors meant to show remorse or meant to help us heal.  You seem to be growing distant and frustrated instead. I realize that this isn’t fun for either of us, but if we are going to move past this, then we need to take the steps necessary to make your confession worth it.  Because right now, there is only pain without any rehabilitation.  I need for you to take more of the initiative.  I need for you to take the lead.  None of this is my fault. I am trying to be patient and open to whatever plan you may have, but I need for you to take the initiative of having a plan. It makes me feel very vulnerable to have to sit here and wonder about your motivation for telling me.”

Then just stop and wait.  See if your husband will offer up an explanation.  If not, see if his behavior includes any positive changes.  Often, spouses really do have very good intentions when they come clean. But then they become overwhelmed with shame when their partner breaks down.  Once they are face to face with the pain that they have caused, they can lose their resolve and shut down.  That well could be what was happening here.

This didn’t mean that the husband wasn’t sincere or that he didn’t want to save his marriage.  But it meant that both might need a little patience and initiative in order for healing to occur.

As someone who learned about the affair without any confession, I can tell you that it matters when your spouse comes clean on his own.  I know that you are likely analyzing every one of his actions and behaviors right now, but try to commit to taking the long view rather than the short one.  Often, the guilt and sorrow contributes to him becoming emotionally flat.  This is a defensive mechanism rather than a rejection.  If it helps, you can read about how I was able to recover after my husband’s affair on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who find it very important to determine how their spouse really feels about the person with whom they have been having an affair. Often, the faithful spouse suspects (and sometimes has proof) that there were seemingly strong emotional feelings. And this can matter very much when you are trying to save your marriage but understandably have your doubts.

Common comments are things like: “my husband had a four month affair with a woman who I don’t even know. And the only reason that I found out was that she called me and told me that I had better get used to a life without my husband because eventually, they were going to be together. She claimed that they were madly in love with one another and had the type of love that meant that they would be together forever. Well, needless to say, I immediately confronted my husband about this. And his claims are much different. He says that he didn’t love her. He says that it was just a fling. But the other woman has sent me emails and texts and they seem to indicate an emotional attachment. How do I know if my husband loves her or not? Because it is going to be hard enough to save my marriage. But if he is actually in love with someone else, then it is probably going to be impossible.”

I felt very deeply for this wife. Maintaining a positive attitude when trying to recover from an affair can be quite a challenge. But it is even more difficult if you think that your spouse is actually in love with someone else. In the following article, I will try to offer some insights that might help in this situation.

Know Why The Other Woman Has A Vested Interest In Painting A Picture That Might Not Be Reality: Let’s think about this for a second. This woman has already admitted that she wants to be with the husband forever. So what does common sense tell you has to happen first? Well, she needs to break up the marriage so that she can be with the husband without any obstacles. She needs to get the wife out of the way. And one way to do this is to make the wife so hurt or angry that she willingly walks away or kicks the husband out of the house and initiates a divorce. If any of these things happen, then suddenly her job is much more easy.

Not only that, but if the wife becomes so furious with the husband that she completely rejects him or distances herself from him, then where does he run? Back to the other woman’s open arms. So it’s important to understand that often, she is telling you about their great love affair not to inform you of anything earth shattering or to be kind, but as part of a plan meant to help her to meet her own objectives, and not yours.

That’s why I would highly recommend that you not just blindly believe her. Listen to what your husband has to say, gather some information, and decide for yourself what the information is telling you.

Know That It’s Possible He Thought That He Felt Something Real, But Has Now Changed His Mind Or Now Sees Things More Clearly: It’s extremely common for people to feel invested emotionally when they are having an affair. And I’m not sure if this makes the situation better or worse. Because it’s not all that great to think that the person you are married to would carry on with someone just because of the sex when no emotions were involved. That would appear to be very shallow. But knowing that there might have been perceived emotions involved isn’t always preferable either.

It might help to know that often the perceived feelings are present because he is right in the middle of the affair. It’s also extremely common for cheaters to realize that they were wrong about their feelings once they spend some time away from the other person. Often, the more time that goes by, the more they realize that the whole thing was a facade and that their feelings weren’t at all real. And this is why you may see some proof that he was claiming to have feelings at the time while right now he is denying the same.

He May Have Decided That He Is Committed To You Regardless Of His Feelings Now Or In The Past: Cheaters may deny their feelings for the other person because they don’t want to hurt you. And they may decide that it truly doesn’t matter anyway because they have recommitted themselves to you and your marriage. I know that this may not be all that reassuring. But frankly, it’s my opinion that the real concern should just be moving forward. Because moving forward is the best way to make sure that the feelings diminish as quickly as possible

I know that you may have the feeling that the other woman has won. After all, she got your husband to have a relationship with her and she is now claiming that she has his love as well. And yes, she may feeling momentarily triumphant. But she probably won’t feel that way for long when your husband informs her that he is recommitting to his marriage and therefore won’t be seeing her anymore. At that point, her confidence may wane because it may then be obvious that feelings in the past don’t matter or weren’t even real.

So to answer the question posed, he may not be telling you the whole truth about his feelings. But, it’s also possible that he may be totally honest when he says that he now realizes what they had wasn’t love at all.

I used to be very fixated on my husband’s feelings for the other woman.  But one day, I realized that I couldn’t control any aspect of this.  I realized that all I could control was my own feelings and behaviors and the recovery of my own marriage.  Once I began to see my husband place his efforts on our marriage, I began to worry less about his previous feelings, if any.  If it helps, you can read more about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives whose husband has been caught having an affair and who can not come to an immediate decision as to how he is going to handle this. And that is usually when he starts using phrases like “please just give me a little time” or “if you could just be a little patient, then I promise I will come to a decision soon.” And frankly, this can feel like a concession that is just way too much to ask.

I heard from a wife who said: “I caught my husband having an affair with a coworker. I was so furious that I told him that he needed to quit his job immediately because I didn’t want for him to have any contact with her. He balked at this and said in this economy, he can not afford to just leave his job when he doesn’t have anything else lined up. I wasn’t sure that I totally bought this, but a few days later, I caught him texting her. Upon questioning him further, it’s clear to me that his not leaving his job isn’t all about the economy. Part of it is that he is not sure that he wants to let her go or just abruptly end the relationship. He says that he has strong feelings for us both. He is asking me to just give him a little more time to determine what he wants. I feel that this is too much to ask. It’s as if he expects me to just wait around while he has relationships with both of us. And I can’t do that. I won’t do that. But I don’t want to just pack my bags and leave my husband either. What can I do?”

This is a very tricky situation. Because on the one hand, you don’t want to be forced into making a rushed decision or concession. On the other hand, it is absolutely unacceptable for him to ask you to wait around while he decides if and when he wants to end this. If your marriage is important to him and he wants to act with integrity, then he will act without delay.

Often though, the people in the affair get very caught up in it and are somewhat out of touch with reality. Things feel very immediate when they are in the middle of the infidelity. But once they step back and gain true and real perspective again, then they realize how wrong they were. That’s why it’s important that you don’t just allow him to have both relationships while you wait patiently. Because if you do this, then he really has no incentive to leave her or make a firm decision. After all, he has both of you and as of now, so the clock isn’t ticking.

I can’t tell you what to do or even suggest what is better in your situation. I can just share that in my observation and experience, if a cheating spouse has no real incentive to stop, then they won’t be in any hurry to stop. And the longer that the affair goes on and the more involved they get with the other person, the more damage this is going to do to your marriage. So it’s my opinion that it is in your best interest to encourage as quick of an end as is possible.

With that said, this isn’t always so easy because if you force someone to do what they are resistant to doing, then they will often resent you and see you as the bad guy in the equation. Not only that, but when you force him to end the relationship, then he may always see her as the one who got away. Or he may pine for her when he may not have done that if he had decided to end the relationship for himself. So this leaves you in a situation where you there are pros and cons to both strategies, which is why I suggest a sort of hybrid strategy between the two.

I think that telling your husband that you are not going to participate in a relationship of three while still waiting to see what is going to happen is reasonable. So I’d suggest a conversation that may work something like this: “I don’t have any patience for my spouse cheating on me. I realize that you think that you need time to work this out, but I can not participate in a marriage where there is more than two people. When you decide that you want to have no contact whatsoever with her and you are ready to commit fully to our marriage and it’s repair, then I may be willing to discuss this further at that time. But, until then, I can’t really just wait around for my husband to decide if he wants to be with me or someone else. You can either stay with friends, or we will be nothing but roommates until you come to a decision. I can’t have so little respect for myself that I will allow you to have relationships with both of us. When you are ready to be committed only to me, then let me know. Until then, I will be working on myself and my own healing, but I won’t be working on this marriage until it is just the two of us.”

In this way, you are allowing him all of the patience that can reasonably be expected in this situation, but you aren’t disrespecting yourself by knowingly allowing your spouse to have a romantic relationship with someone else. This way, he may be inspired to act a little more quickly. And you will likely see where his heart and his loyalties lie.

I know that this is difficult, but sometimes, you just have to respect yourself enough to remain firm on what is truly not acceptable to you.  There is always compromise when healing from an affair, but this sort of patience is just not realistic and it doesn’t benefit you.  I know how hard this is, but with healing, it does get better.  If it helps, you can read more about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who feel a little guilty that they haven’t made more progress after their spouse’s affair. This can especially be true if the cheating spouse is very obviously doing everything in his or her power to make things right once again.

Common comments are things like: “I truly have to give my husband credit. He has done every single thing that I have asked of him after his affair. And he has even done some very thoughtful things that I didn’t ask him to do. It’s obvious that he is trying very hard to make this work. He comes straight home from work. He doesn’t socialize anymore. He allows me to examine his phone and computer without any complaint whatsoever. He goes to counseling and he participates as best as he can and he never complains. In short, he has been as accommodating as he possibly can. There isn’t anything that I can criticize except for the fact that he had the affair in the first place. Sometimes, after we go to counseling, he will take me out to dinner and look at me with eyes that say he is hopeful and that his expectations are high. I know that he is hoping and expecting that things were going to start to improve. And I can’t blame him for this. It’s just common sense to think that if you do what is asked of you, then you are going to eventually be rewarded for it. The problem is that I am still so very angry at my husband. I still don’t know if we are ultimately going to be able to save our marriage. And I don’t want to tell him any of these things because I don’t want to dash his hopes, especially when I don’t know what is going to happen. How can I hold back my anger when he is trying so hard?” I will try to address these concerns below.

Know That You Anger Is Normal Regardless Of What He Is Doing Or How He Is Acting: It can make you feel cruel and abrasive when you feel genuine anger when he is trying so hard to diffuse this anger. But frankly, your anger is absolutely normal and understandable. And you wouldn’t feel the anger if he hasn’t had an affair and put this whole process into motion. So, as difficult as things may be for your husband right now, his actions caused this and he must expect that this is going to be a difficult process for both of you.  So you don’t need to feel as if you have to apologize for your anger and or it. It is possible to acknowledge his efforts while still respecting your own true feelings, which leads me to my next point.

There Can Be A Mix Of Healing And Anger, Especially At First: I find that people tend to think that if they are feeling negative emotions, then they aren’t truly making any progress. This is not the case. Frankly, when you are recovering from your spouse’s infidelity, it is completely normal for your emotions to be all over the place. You can feel loving and forgiving feelings for your spouse in the morning and then feel fury in the evening, despite the fact that your spouse has not done anything wrong. It is totally normal to have these types of fluctuating and swinging emotions even when you really are making progress. As time passes, these sorts of swings begin to happen less and less. But they can happen with out their presence meaning that your marriage won’t make it or that you will always be angry.

Making Your Spouse Understand That Your Anger Doesn’t Mean That They Aren’t Doing The Right Things: With all of the above said, it’s important that you make your spouse understand that you acknowledge his efforts. You wouldn’t want for him to misinterpret your anger and to think that he was going something wrong. It’s probably a safe bet that at some point, he is going to question your anger. At that point, you might take the opportunity to say something like: “I know that you might be discouraged that I still have some anger. I want for you to know that I truly am trying. But I think that this is all going to take some time. I want for you to be patient and to keep doing what you are going. Believe me, I notice and appreciate all that you have done. It’s obvious that you are really trying. I don’t want for you to assume that it doesn’t matter to me because it does. I’ve read that it’s normal for me to still feel some anger from time to time and this should get better as we continue to make more and more progress. And I will be careful to not punish you with my anger, but I can’t hide it either. It’s an honest emotion and I believe that we both need to be honest with one another. I don’t want to hide anything from you and I don’t want for you to hide anything from me. I believe that we are making progress. And I believe that things will get better and better with time. I am just asking for you to have patience because I can’t fully control the way that I feel. But I am trying. And I know that you are too.”

There’s no guarantee that these words will heal his hurt feelings or make your anger disappear. But it can’t reassure him that this is normal. And it can lay the foundation for openness and honesty in the future which is incredibly important. Because neither of you want to be in the position where you are hiding your true feelings from your spouse.

Frankly, it took a long time for my own anger to completely disappear after my husband’s affair.  We both used to find this discouraging, but thankfully we pushed forward anyway and the anger is something that I don’t have to deal with anymore.  I would encourage you to keep going despite the fluctuating feelings.  Because as you make more and more progress, you will usually find that this problem diminishes with time. You can read more about our recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are hurt and worried about their husband’s sudden confession.  Often, their husband has sat them down and confessed that he has feelings for another woman. Sometimes, he will try to downplay these feelings and tell the wife that although he does have some romantic feelings for someone else, he would never act on them.  Other times, the husband is very specific and he tells that wife that he has fallen in love with someone else.  Some husbands are purposefully vague on whether or not he is ever going to act on his feelings.

I heard from a wife who said: “I’ve been suspecting that something is going on with my husband for several weeks. He’s been working late and he is cold and distant.  But more than that, he has been secretive.  He doesn’t seem to be open to me and he doesn’t seem to be OK with me being around him.  I have been repeatedly asking him what is wrong and he has denied that anything unusual was happening.  But last night he must have changed his mind because he sat me down and told me that he had fallen in love with someone else.  He said that he was telling me this because he felt that I had the right to know. He said that he has known this woman from work for many years but over the past several months, she transferred to his department and he has been working very closely with her. He said that at first they were casual friends but now they are very close, almost like soul mates.  He said that their relationship is not inappropriate and has not turned romantic.  I asked him why he was telling me all of this and he told me that he wasn’t sure.  He said he just wanted for me to be aware of this and that he wasn’t planning to cheat on me, but he felt this pull from two different directions meaning he knows that he is committed to me by marriage but he also can’t deny his feelings for her.  At this point, he’s assuring her that he would not cheat on me, but in the back of my mind I’m wondering if he is considering divorcing or separating from me in order to be with her.  Maybe he is telling me to give me some sort of warning before hand. What do I do now?”

Needless to say, this wife was wondering what strategy would make the husband less likely to engage with the other woman and more likely to remain faithful and committed to his marriage.  But the real challenge here was that the wife truly couldn’t figure out her husband’s intention in telling her this.  She couldn’t help but wonder if he was setting her up for a divorce.

This May Be A Call To Action: Of course, I can’t possibly know what this husband was thinking. But I can tell you that many men who cheat or have affairs do not warn their wife of the same.  They generally will not come and give you a heads up because the last thing that they want is for you to find out about any part of this.

I’m not saying that there aren’t any husbands who confess that they love someone else and then later leave to be with the other person.  I’m sure this happens.  But it’s my experience that many men who cheat don’t tip you off to the existence of the other woman until they are caught.

Again, I could be wrong, but to me it seemed more likely that the husband was trying to warn the wife.  He was almost hoping that she would take some action and stop the course of actions that seemed to already be in motion.

I Believe It’s In Your Best Interest To Take Some Action: So the first thing that I would do is pay close attention.  Men who are very intimately bonded with their wife are not generally available to fall in love with other women.  I’m not saying that affairs are always planned and that they don’t sneak up on people, but generally men who are crazy about and committed to their wives will avoid these types of situations.  (And they may well have been what the husband was trying to do right now, albeit a little late in the game.)

This wife was clear on the fact that maintaining her marriage was the most important thing to her.  Yes, she was disappointed in her husband and she was jealous and hurt.  But she wanted to put that aside for now and place her focus on trying to save her marriage before the relationship went any further.

So the next step might be to have a conversation with her husband that went something like: “well, as hurtful as that is I’m glad that you told me before anything happened.  Right now, I think we need to focus on our marriage and on safeguarding it so that nothing happens that we are both going to regret.  To that end, I am willing to do whatever is necessary.  We can talk about counseling or anything that you think might help to strengthen our marriage.  I also need for you to make a strong commitment to remove any obstacle to you remaining faithful to me.  Now that I know this, I am very uncomfortable with you working with her.  Will you ask for a transfer so you are not working directly with her any longer? I know that you say she is a good friend to you, but it’s at the point where it would be too easy to cross the line and I have real concerns.  I am asking you to make our marriage the priority.  You have done that by being honest with me now I need you to take that a step further and remove any  temptations.  Will you do that?”

Then, just listen.  The husband may or may not agree to this.  He may ask for more time.  Try to work with him rather than arguing with him and remember that he didn’t have to tell you.  The fact that he did can be telling.

My husband did not do anything to tip me off that he was cheating.  We were able to save our marriage, but it look a while and it was painful.  That’s why I believe that it’s so much easier and efficient to spring into action and to do the work before any infidelity happens.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people are fed up with their spouse’s reluctance to accept the consequences for their affair. After all, they are the ones who chose to cheat. Now, they should be prepared to act like a mature adult who is not only committed to fixing their marriage, but who is also willing to face the consequences. But although this can make sense to you and me, many cheating spouses resist this. They can almost take on a challenging or combative attitude when you ask them to take responsibility for their actions.

Common comments from wives dealing with this are things like: “the only reason that I know about my husband’s affair is because one of our mutual friends felt badly about this and had the decency to tell me. I expected for my husband to apologize and ask me what he can do to make this up to me. But so far, I haven’t got any words even close to this sentiment. Instead, he muttered something about not doing it again and insisted that he didn’t want to talk about this or be nagged about it for the rest of his life. I have told him that I don’t want him going out with friends without me any more. His reply was that I was acting like his mother. I told him that I wanted for us to go to counseling and he said that I am treating him like a dog who has to be trained or leashed. Essentially, every time I ask my husband to make a concession to make me feel more secure or to make him take responsibility, he will give me a reason why I am asking too much or he will pretty much refuse my request. It is like he thinks that he should just walk away from this as if nothing happened or as if nothing has changed. I guess he wants to just pretend that this never happened so that there is no consequences for his actions. If I had been the one who cheated, he would make me jump through all sorts of hoops to regain his trust. But I suppose the same rules do not apply to him. How can I get him to accept that there are going to be some concessions that he is going to have to make? Because at this point, he seems to believe that he can just bully me into accepting whatever he wants to give me. And that isn’t going to work. If he doesn’t make sincere changes, then I will never trust him again and I will always think he’s a jerk who doesn’t care enough about me.”

I could certainly understand this wife’s outlook and I completely agreed with it. But one thing that I believe she was missing was the possibility that her husband may have been putting on a little act just to see how far he could push her. After all, very few men are going to be completely happy to allow their wives to put them on a leash because of their bad behavior. (This was the husband’s words, not mine.) And of course some men are going to test their wives to see if they can manipulate her into backing off on her demands.

This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t fully realize that he was wrong or that he doesn’t know that he fully deserves every consequence that you are suggesting. But he also might figure that it is worth a shot to see if he can get you to back off of some of your demands. To be honest, I see this frequently and it is posturing. The cheating spouse knows that there are some uncomfortable and restrictive days in their immediate future. And it is just human nature to want to avoid this if they can. So they have a couple of choices. They can appeal to your sense of fairness. But this probably is not going to work considering the severity of their actions.  The other option that they have is to try to make you back off with an exaggerated or aggressive stance. They usually figure that this is worth a try and even if they don’t get you to back off on every item, they may at least win something back.

You Will Have To Show Him That His Strategy Doesn’t Work For You: So how do you show them that this isn’t going to work? By standing your ground. The first step here is to sit down and ask yourself if any of your demands are unfair or unrealistic. Expecting your spouse to never go out again might be unrealistic, but asking him to stay close to home while you are rebuilding the trust most definitely is not. Asking him to try counseling or asking him to keep an open mind about it is also not too much to ask considering the circumstance. Asking him to show his sincerity and his commitment by making concessions that he isn’t going to necessarily like is also not too much to ask. And it’s important that you make this clear so that he doesn’t think that his strategy is going to work.  One this happens, it will hopefully be common sense on his part to stop.

The next time he begins refusing to comply with the reasonable requests that you have made, you might consider saying something like: “I need to stop you right there and say something. You seem to be reluctant about all of my suggestions. And you react to this by making sarcastic comments or you discard what I am saying. If we are going to save our marriage or reestablish the trust, this just isn’t going to work. In order for me to believe that you are truly remorseful for this and that you don’t intend to repeat it, I need to see some concessions. I realize that you may not enjoy this. I don’t either. But there are some things that need to happen in order for me to begin to trust you again and for me to believe that you are sincere. If you aren’t willing to do these things, then I have to question your commitment and I have to wonder about our chances of saving our marriage. You don’t have to like what I am asking you to do. But I need for you to make the effort anyway.”

You really don’t need to say the words “and none of this would be necessary if you hadn’t had an affair,” because it is obviously implied and you both know that the words are there even if they are unspoken. It’s not uncommon for cheating spouses to try very hard to limit the consequences of their affair. That’s why you will need to determine which consequences are reasonable and necessary and then stick to them.

My husband tried this posturing strategy in the beginning, but I made it very clear that this wasn’t going to be acceptable to me and he backed off.  Throughout our entire recovery, I had to make my wishes and needs very clear.  This wasn’t always fun.  But at least it meant I was given what I needed.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from spouses who aren’t feeling heard after their spouse has cheated or had an affair. Often, they want to have long and difficult conversations about this. And they want for their spouse to listen to them. Unfortunately though, many cheating spouses will resist this because the difficult conversations make them feel guilty and awkward. Often, the faithful spouse has no idea how to get their spouse to listen, but many know that he’d better start listening soon because they are aren’t sure how much more of this they can take.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair with one of our friends. To say that I am devastated is honestly underestimating what I feel. I am crushed. I feel betrayed by both of them. My husband insists that this was a one time thing and that if I give him a chance, he will make this up to me. I hear his words, but I have my own terms. I want for him to go to counseling. And I want a complete overhaul of our marriage. If I don’t have these things, then I am never going to feel secure. I want to talk to my husband about this and explain what I need, but when I attempt to bring this up, he changes the subject or he will listen briefly and then say that we can’t solve all of our problems with just one conversation. I am not expecting this, but if we are going to make it, then we are going to need to have a lot of conversations in our future. If he is unwilling to listen to me, then I am not sure if I want to hang around only to be ignored. Is there any way that I can get him to listen to me?”

Well, there are certainly some things that you can try. And I absolutely agree that this situation is unacceptable and a bad way to start to recovery process. But it is important to understand why a husband will seemingly refuse to listen. Often, he is posturing in the hopes that he can shut down your communication. Listening to you tell him how hurt you are or how he has disappointed you is painful and uncomfortable to him, so it makes sense that he is going to at least try to force you to back off of your stance. The good news is that if you can show him that this isn’t going to work, then he will usually have no choice but to back off of this strategy, especially if your marriage is important to him.

Getting Him To Understand That You Won’t Accept A Refusal To Listen: So how do you make him see that you just aren’t ever going to accept being tuned out? Well, you have to speak up and you have to be very direct and resolute. Here’s an example or suggestion. The next time you try to talk him about this and he tries to change the subject and obviously isn’t listening, then you may want to say something like: “if now is not a good time, then let’s schedule some uninterrupted time for us to sit down, talk, and listen to one another. Because if we are going to even begin to save our marriage, then you are going to need to listen to me and you are going to need to do it soon. I am never going to give up on my need to be heard. If it helps, we can schedule some time when both of us are free so that neither of us are rushing out of the door. Whatever works for you is going to be fine with me, but we are going to need to schedule this time. Because until I feel heard, then I am going to question your commitment and your willingness to do what is necessary to save our marriage. We can’t even begin to restore the trust if you don’t even have enough respect for me to sit down and listen. I know that you may feel as if all we talk about are the negative aspects of the affair, but we need to open up the communication if we are going to move past this. If you think seeing a counselor to facilitate this communication would make things easier, then I am more than willing to do this. But no matter how it happens, we need to sit down regularly to talk and to listen. When would be a good time to schedule this? Because I won’t accept being ignored. I can’t commit to working on our marriage if you won’t even commit to listening to me.”

Be Flexible But Firm: Know that your husband may not suddenly become Mr. Agreeable after this conversation. But he should concede to listen to you, especially in the short term. Understand why he may be reluctant and be willing to work around it. Most of the time, he is reluctant to listen because he is afraid that every time he does, you are going to criticize him and express how much he has hurt you. Even though he likely knows that he is at fault, this is still painful and uncomfortable to him, so try to pace it so that he knows that this isn’t going to happen every day. Neither of you should feel that you have nothing to look forward to. If it’s easier on both of you to have a counselor or someone else facilitate this, then be proactive in making that happen. Be willing to work with him to determine whatever is most agreeable to both of you, but make it clear that this is non negotiable when he wants to save your marriage.

But to answer the question posed, a couple of ways to make him listen to you is to make it clear that if he wants to save your marriage, this is going to be required. But be flexible enough to make this a process that is as painless as possible for both of you.

It became clear to me that I had to be careful about when and how my husband and I discussed the affair in the beginning.  Emotions were running so high that we couldn’t have these discussions continuously.  Once the healing began though, both of us had much more tolerance for talking and for listening.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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ByL Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who feel deep regret about a past affair. Often, with the passage of time, the depth of their mistake becomes more and more clear. This, coupled with the fact that they are now facing the consequences of their actions, can make them feel the weight of their mistake.

I heard from a wife who said: “I would give anything that I own if I could turn back time and make it so that I never had an affair. I have ruined my life with one mistake. My husband found out and left me. He won’t take my calls. The kids are asking me every day where their father is. I am now realizing how much I put at risk over just some short term diversion. I am starting to worry that I have destroyed my marriage and that I will never get my husband back. And I know how much my husband loves our children and it wouldn’t shock me if he were to fight me for custody. Regardless, I don’t want to be alone. And I don’t want to be a single mom raising my children by myself. I wish that there was something I could do to negate all of the damage that I have done. Because right now, I just feel hopeless.”

I felt compassion for this wife even though in my own situation I was the faithful spouse. Her true sorrow was obvious and it’s very common to be overwhelmed by this outcome when there is nothing that you can do to change it. Unfortunately, there is no way to completely erase the affair. It happened and you can not take it back. So, you now have to look to the present and the future instead of the past. I will discuss some tips on how to do that below.

Your Sole Focus Should Be On Your Life Moving Forward: I know that it is very easy to keep looking back with regret, especially if you feel stuck right now. But it honestly doesn’t do you any good. It only keeps you from progressing. Since you can’t change the affair and it’s memory isn’t serving you in any way, it is time to turn your attention to today and to right now. Admittedly, this wife was in a sort of holding pattern as far as her marriage was concerned because she didn’t know what her husband was going to ultimately decide to do. But, there was plenty that she could do to pick herself up while she was standing still. Just waiting on his decision while being consumed with regret wasn’t helping her cause. It was important to try to be as positive as she could for the sake of her children and for the sake of herself.

Don’t Allow Your Anger At Yourself To Keep You From Doing What Is In Your Own Self Interest: It’s not uncommon for me to see people who are so angry at themselves for the affair that they are willing to accept whatever punishment and negative things come their way. They feel undeserving of anything positive and they do not feel worthy of understanding or forgiveness so they are not proactive about improving their situation. What I didn’t want was for this wife to just stay at home surrounded by her sorrow and her regret. Yes, she made a mistake with far reaching consequences. But no good would come of her becoming so discouraged that she didn’t try to improve her circumstances.

Every day, try to do something that is going to help you to rectify this situation. Vow to be the best parent, the best person, and the best spouse that you can. If you need counseling or self help in order to determine why you may have acted this way, then please get it. Because until you deal with anything that might have contributed to this, then you can’t be one hundred percent sure that you will not be vulnerable to this again. And in order to give your marriage the best chance, you are going to need to be as healthy and as strong as you can possibly be. Be very proactive in making yourself as emotionally healthy as you can.

The Best Way To Negate The Effects Of The Affair Is To Rebuild And To Heal: Admittedly, you can’t change reality. There is no way to erase the affair from your own memory or the memory of your husband. But, what you can do is to do everything in your power to ensure that complete healing takes place. You can do everything that you can to rebuild a healthy family. Because limping along and dwelling on your mistake weakens you and make you less of an effective parent, person, and spouse. And you and your family doesn’t less of the whole of what you have to give.

I realize that sometimes you can’t control every aspect of the future. Sometimes, your spouse will have some reservations about resuming your marriage. And you can’t always control this. But what you can do is to heal yourself as much as is possible, show your spouse your sincerity in making this right again, and being kind and gentle to yourself. Every one makes mistakes. Yes, this is a big one. But the biggest mistake would be to allow for this to ruin your life. You have a lot of living left to do. And the best thing that you can do is to grow and learn from this and to make any necessary changes so that this doesn’t happen again.

The remorse that this wife was feeling indicated that she was a good person willing to own up to and learn from her mistake.  So no good was going to come out of her punishing herself any further.

My husband often dwelled on the fact that he couldn’t change or take back his affair and this did nothing to help us.  Finally, he learned to place the focus on the future rather than the past and this helped considerably.  If it helps, you can read more about our recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who aren’t feeling the sorrow and remorse that their spouse wants to see after they cheated or had an affair. Often, they know that they should feel it. They sometimes wish that they did feel it. But whatever reason, they just don’t. And they aren’t sure if they should try to fake it or just be honest.

I heard from a husband who said: “I cheated on my wife with one of my employees. And the only reason that I stopped is because she caught me. Ever since my wife had kids, she never has had time for me. It is almost as if I am an afterthought. I repeatedly told her that I needed more of her attention and she accused me of whining. She told me that I was like a child who needed coddling. Everyone says that if you are dissatisfied in your marriage that you should be an adult and tell your spouse so you can have an open and mature conversation. Well, I tried that and my wife wasn’t interested. She didn’t want to hear my complaints. She pretty much told me that I was selfish, ignored me, and went right back to being self absorbed. It wasn’t as if I didn’t warn her that I was unhappy. So now she has figured out that I got my needs met elsewhere because she wouldn’t listen to me and she is trying to heap on the guilt. It’s like her goal is to get me to sob and beg for forgiveness. I understand that she feels like she deserves my remorse. But honestly, I don’t feel any. I truly don’t. I tried to warn her and she wouldn’t listen. The woman I was cheating with is so much more attentive and compassionate toward me. I don’t feel as if I have anything to apologize or be sorry for. If my wife had been a decent spouse to me, then I wouldn’t have cheated. But she wasn’t. Now, my kids are starting to ask questions and I do feel sorry that I put their family in jeopardy. For their sake, should I pretend like I feel remorse just so my wife will get off of my back?”

Why Justifications For Cheating Are Common, But Flawed: It’s not uncommon for people who cheat to feel justified in doing so. They will often try to shift the blame onto their spouse in order to avoid some of the responsibility. I did feel at least some compassion here because this husband did try to approach his wife and so many do not. So, he did do something that was right and he wasn’t successful, in part because of his wife’s response. But, this does not ever justify cheating. This is only my own opinion and belief (which admittedly isn’t unbiased since I was cheated on also,) but if you are unhappy in your marriage, then you should try to fix it before you go outside of it. And, if you can not do that and you still want to be with someone else, then you can do that once your marriage has ended. But you should not be with someone else while you are still married, because that just short changes every one.

Where To Go From Here: Of course, you can’t take back the past. You can only deal with the present as best as you can. And the present conflict was that the husband didn’t feel sorry about his actions and wasn’t sure if he should fake this sorrow for the sake of his family. I suppose the central question was whether or not he wanted to save his marriage. Because if he had no interest in this, then although he should be respectful to his spouse, there was really no lead to lie and pretend to feel something that he didn’t. But if he wanted to save his marriage, then a little more care was going to be needed. He wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted to do in the future, so it wouldn’t have been wise to proclaim that the wife was to blame for his behavior and, because of this, he felt no remorse.

The Progression Of This Process: I suspected that what the husband felt right now might change with time. Often, people feel somewhat defensive when they are caught in this type of embarrassing and vulnerable situation. Their being so indignant is sometimes a defense mechanism. Sometimes, as the shock wears off and both parties begin to process this more fully, feelings can change. Often as time goes by and as emotions aren’t quite so high and so raw, it is more easy to see where you were wrong. When that happens, it is easier to feel some genuine remorse.

But to answer the question posed, I would not advocate blatantly lying to your spouse and pretending to feel sorrow that escapes you. If you want to save your marriage, honesty is going to be very important moving forward. But I also certainly would not boldly proclaim that not only are you not sorry, but you feel justified. Instead, I would hold off on having this conversation until more time has passed. Because I suspect once the husband had more time to process this, the sorrow and remorse would come.

Early on in my recovery, my husband flip flopped on how much remorse he felt.  I believe that it became easier for him to express his remorse once he saw that I wasn’t going to turn it back on him or try to punish him.  Showing remorse is easier once the healing has begun and everyone feels more safe.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I very often hear from spouses who are wondering how their spouse is feeling after his affair has ended. And they are often wondering because their spouse is reluctant or refusing to share how he feels. Still, despite the secrecy, it’s often obvious that he is struggling. Because he’s often moping around with a long face. It’s obvious that he’s not completely happy, but the question is often why and how deeply he is feeling this.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband admitted to an affair about six weeks ago. It wasn’t completely unexpected because something had obviously been going on with him. And he had been avoiding me and wasn’t home very much. He says that he wants to save our marriage and he promises that the affair relationship is over and that he will stay away from the other woman. He says that he knows that if we work hard, we can get our marriage back. I want to feel hopeful and I want to believe him but his actions don’t match what he is claiming. He walks around the house with a scowl on his face. He often sighs deeply. I often catch him staring into space. I have asked him why he is acting this way and he denies that he is acting in any specific way. Sometimes, he will say that he is upset because of the mess that he has made of his life and of our marriage. But I am not so sure. I think that he is upset because he misses the other woman. I think he is sad because the affair ended. I have brought this up to him and he got very angry and denied it. Could I be right? Could he be hurt and mourning because the affair ended? And does this mean that my marriage is over?” I will address these concerns below.

People Do Sometimes Feel A Sense Of Loss When The Affair Ends: People often assume that an affair is only about sex or physical feelings rather than emotional ones. So the assumption is that people will just quickly move on without any sorrow because they were only in the relationship because of the physical connection. This assumption is especially strong if you are talking about a man because we often assume that men do not have or seek an emotional connection. This thinking is flawed at the best and wrong at the worst.

Many men comment on my blog and they express deep emotional feelings. In fact, it’s my opinion that men can seek as much on emotional connection as a physical one. They can believe that they have real feelings for the other person. And because they often have to break it off very quickly without much closure, these feelings can be magnified. So yes, he may well be hurt and reeling because of the end of the relationship. But this is normal. Often, he thinks he has true and lasting feelings.  But the good news is that the longer he is away from the other person, the more he can see the situation clearly and he will often come to realize that the feelings he thought he felt were mistaken or misplaced emotions only meant to justify his actions.  And usually, it isn’t until the affair has been over for a while that he is able to have this sort of realization.

Often, He Is Upset With Himself Because Of The Grave Mistake He Has Made: You will often find a cheating spouse moping around after breaking off the affair because he now realizes that he has hurt two people with his actions. Often, he is facing having to make this right and pick up the pieces and this is a difficult task when he looks at you and sees all of the pain that you are in. He often wonders if he will ever be able to restore your trust or if you will ever feel the same about him again. In short, he is mourning the loss of your marriage as it used to be before he took this unfortunate action. He is usually well aware that he has caused a good bit of damage that might be impossible to heal. And this can be a very valid reason to mourn or mope around the house.

So to answer the concern posed, there are many reasons that a person can be legitimately hurt after the affair ends. They are often quite disappointed in themselves. They may feel some sorrow at the people that they have hurt. And they may be struggling with ending the relationship without having closure. But none of this means that you can’t heal. You will often need to have patience and faith that time makes this process a little easier. Often, as healing slowly occurs, you will see the hurt and the pain start to fade from both of your faces.

My husband seemed depressed in the weeks after I found out about his infidelity.  But once he saw that I wasn’t leaving with our children and willing to wait and see if he could make things right, he began to perk up a bit.  It often just takes time, patience and healing.  If it helps, you can read more about our recovery on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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