Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who deeply regret that their relationship with their spouse has changed after one spouse has cheated and had an affair. Often, they feel sure that their spouse no longer has a romantic interest in them. And this can happen with either the cheating spouse or the faithful spouse.

To keep this article from getting too confusing, I will discuss one scenario at a time. For the cheating spouse, a common comment would be something like: “I deeply regret cheating on my wife. I have repeatedly apologized and offered my wife anything that she wants in order to give me one more chance. I will treat her like a queen. I will go to counseling. I will never take her for granted again. I will do everything in my power to never make her regret not giving up on me. I will be the best husband she can ask for.  But none of this matters to her.  She is not even remotely interested in me right now. She says that I am like a stranger and that I am no longer the person she thought I was. She said therefore she can’t love me and she doesn’t want to waste her time on a lost cause. Is there anything that I can do to make her interested in me again?

Patience And Sincerity Are Your Best Hope: Successful strategies for regaining a spouse’s interest is going to be different depending upon whether you are the cheating spouse or the faithful spouse. If you were the one who cheated, then you need to accept that your spouse is going to need some time. In the beginning, the anger often overshadows everything else. Often, they are not interested in you because it is very painful to show any emotion whatsoever toward you. So they will retreat into themselves because it feels safer that way.

Sometimes, with time, their anger will fade and they will become a bit more receptive to you, especially if you show yourself to be sincere and are making every effort to make this right again. You want for your spouse to know that you are willing to have patience for as long as it takes because your greatest desire is for them to heal. That is your first priority. Only after they have healed should you worry about being given one more chance. It needs to be very clear to your spouse that their well being is your first concern while being given another chance comes after your concern for them.

You don’t want to try to use reverse psychology or try to make them feel guilty or at fault. You don’t want to pull away in the hopes that this will spark their interest. In short, you don’t want to play games with them because you have already put them through enough. You want to be there for them. You want to have patience as they heal. And you want to make supporting them your highest priority, even if you need patience in order to make this happen. Once your spouse sees that you are sincere, then they will sometimes begin to show some interest as the trust starts to return.

Disinterest When You’re The Faithful Spouse: From the faithful spouse, you might hear something like: “my husband cheated on me with a woman who is nothing like me. She seems to have him under some spell. He agreed to try to work on our marriage because of our kids. But nothing that I do excites him. I will try to get dressed up to look nice. I will try to plan a nice evening for us with things that I know he used to enjoy. None of it matters. His head and his heart are always somewhere else. I know that he is thinking of her. No matter what I do, he isn’t interested in me. Short of making a huge fool of myself, what can I do to get his attention?”

I know that this hurts. And it is not fair. Because your husband isn’t thinking clearly right now. And at some point in the future, he is likely going to realize just how silly he is being. But that doesn’t help when you feel rejected because of his lack of interest.

As bad as this feels though, I have to tell you that trying harder to get his interest will often not only fail, but it will be hurtful to you because it will likely lower your already wounded self esteem. When a man isn’t thinking clearly because of an affair, it is usually best to make it clear that infidelity is never going to be acceptable to you and then wait and see how he is going to proceed. If you repeatedly go out of your way to make him interested, then you are almost implying that there is something wrong with you when their most definitely is not and when the real problem lies with him.

It is my opinion (and many people who comment on my blog agree) that when you retreat a little and then go about your business and make yourself a priority, suddenly you may find that he becomes interested. Because he looks around and sees that you are no longer hanging onto only what he wants. You are more concerned about what you want and this is actually more attractive.

But to answer the concerns posed, both situations need to be handled with patience and with putting an emphasis on healing.. Often if you do that, the interest will come. But it’s best not to try too hard and not to apply pressure that pushes your partner away. Conduct yourself with dignity, self respect, and kindness and you will often find that the interest returns as the healing begins.

I will admit that my interest in my husband waned after his affair.  I didn’t really have the emotional energy to deal with him. But, he was patient and loving while he waited to see if I wanted to move forward.  And he made it clear that his biggest concern was me.  This mattered quite a bit and it helped lead to our healing.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from panicked people who are being threatened by the person with whom they are cheating.  Often, they are dragging their feet toward taking the affair to the next level.  So their cheating partner begins to apply some pressure by threatening to tell their spouse about the infidelity.  And that is usually the time when the idea of their spouse actually finding out about the affair becomes real.  So they need to formulate a plan of how to best handle this.

I heard from a husband who said: “I have been having an affair with a coworker for about three months.  This woman wants to real relationship with me beyond the affair.  I have never told her that I was going to leave my wife for her, but apparently this is what she is hoping for.  Last week, she started making comments like ‘when we are finally together, we can do these things.’  I finally told her that I wasn’t sure about what was going to happen with my marriage, especially since I have children.  And this made her very upset.  For the past couple of days, she has told me that she is going to call my wife and tell her everything because I am only playing games with both women.  Now, I have no idea what to do.  This woman knows my wife from company parties.  I don’t want to promise this woman a long term relationship when I still am not sure.  But I most certainly do not want for her to tell my wife.  What can do?” I will tell you my take on this below.

I do not have the perspective of the cheating spouse because in my own situation, I was the faithful spouse.  But I can tell you that hearing this from the person who is cheating with your spouse would be a very painful experience.  I hear from a lot of folks on my blog who have gone through this and the vast majority would have wanted to find out about the affair another way besides being confronted by the other person.  It’s my opinion and belief that it is to your benefit to be the one to tell your spouse. And, if you have any interest in potentially saving your marriage, your spouse may appreciate that you at least had the integrity to come forward with the truth.

This Should Be  A Very Clear Sign To End The Affair:  I’m sure that it’s pretty obvious that I am of the opinion that having an affair is wrong. However, having an affair with someone who is so manipulative that they would make these type of threats should be a red flag to you that you should end the relationship at once.  I know that some people tell me that they are tempted to keep the relationship going in order to gain the other person’s silence.

But honestly, this is a form of blackmail.  And it will keep right on going the next time the two of you disagree or you do something that the other person doesn’t like.  Look at it this way.  If you agree to take the relationship to the next level just to gain this person’s silence, your spouse is going to eventually find out anyway.  And it is better for all involved if the truth comes from you.

Honor The Responsibility That You Have To Your Spouse: Even if you aren’t sure about what you want to happen to your marriage, it’s my opinion that you have a responsibility to protect your spouse from this situation by taking the other’s person’s threats and leverage away.  If your spouse must hear this, then they deserve to hear it from you.  It is going to hard enough to process this information, but imagine having to process it when it is delivered by someone other than your spouse.

Frankly, this man’s wife had done nothing wrong.  She didn’t deserve having a stranger confront her about an affair that she didn’t know anything about.  So to address the concern posed, this is only my opinion but I believe that you should end the relationship so that the other person no longer has any ground to stand upon.  If you think that this person actually will approach your spouse, then it is up to you to do whatever is necessary to protect your spouse from the same.  And sometimes, that means telling the truth.  Once this happens, you can hopefully begin to pick up the pieces.  But you can’t do that while you are still carrying on the affair.

Unfortunately, I caught my husband having an affair before he told me for himself.  It would have been a better situation if he had.  It truly hindered our recovery that I had to find out in the way that I did.  And I would have respected him a lot more if he had told me himself.  But the worst case scenario would have been being confronted by the other woman.  I hope that you will shield your spouse from that experience.  If it helps, you can read about our recovery process on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are very disappointed with the way that their spouse is handling the aftermath of the affair.  Often, their spouse has promised that they will prove their love and commitment.  However, the reality of this is quite different than the promises.  In short, they haven’t made good on the improvements that they implied were imminent.  And this can lead the faithful spouse to wonder if their marriage is going to survive when the cheating spouse hasn’t even begun to step up the marital plate.

I heard from a wife who said: “when I caught my husband cheating on me, he begged me not to leave him.  He said that if I would just give him one more chance, he would move heaven and earth to make sure that I would never regret it.  I hesitated at first, but my husband kept right on pursuing me and begging me to allow him to prove to me that he could be a wonderful and loyal husband.  Eventually, I gave in and I committed to giving him that chance.   And I was anticipating him doing all sorts of sweet things to make this up to me.  I thought he might actually do regular things to show me his love and commitment.  Well, I am still waiting on these things.  Because he hasn’t done very much.  He may tell me that he loves me and he will sometimes give me a tentative hug.  He hasn’t worked on finding a counselor.  We don’t regularly talk about what might lead up to this.  I don’t feel as if he is doing nearly enough.  And I am seriously considering leaving my marriage.  If I had known that he was going to make this sort of half hearted effort, then I honestly would have left from the very beginning.”

This is a very common situation.  It’s very normal for a spouse to make all sorts of promises in order to keep their spouse from leaving them after their infidelity.  But unfortunately, few people have the knowledge and the know how in order to facilitate complete healing all on their own.  And sometimes, they are tentative because they are afraid of rejection or because they don’t really have a firm handle on what their spouse expects or what they can reasonably and realistically offer.  None of this means that this situation is hopeless though.  Sometimes, in order to truly get what you want and need, you have to be very direct and ask for it.  I will discuss this in greater detail below.

Be Willing To Define What You Want And Expect:  As a spouse who was cheated on, I identify more with the wife in this situation.  And I do not think that it was unreasonable for her to expect more from her husband. She absolutely had the right to expect for him to step up and to at least attempt to make good on his promises.  It can feel unfair for you to have to baby sit him and to lay out exactly what you want or expect for him to do.  But unfortunately, sometimes if you don’t do this, then you will still be waiting for him to take some action.

So before you just give up or walk away, it makes sense to try to ask him for exactly what you want.  That way, if he doesn’t comply, then there is no question that he understood what you expected and needed.  A suggested script might be something like: “we need to take a couple of minutes and discuss something.  After your infidelity, you promised that you would make this right.  So far, this hasn’t happened on the scale that you promised.  I don’t want to live the rest of my life with a damaged marriage that has never been repaired.  I need for you to do what you said that you were going to do.  By Friday, I would like the names of the counselors that you have found.  By next week, I would like to have some standing appointments with one of these counselors. I would also like for you to plan some outings for us to do together.  And I would like for you to give me more affection and reassurances.  I am not trying to be overly demanding. But this is what you told me that I could expect.  And so far, not all of what you have promised has actually happened.  I made a commitment not to walk away until I gave you the chance to make this right.  I have given you that chance.  So I have done what I promised.  But you haven’t.  I don’t want to walk away from our marriage.  But I need more from you.”

Some spouses will get a little defensive after this conversation. But, once things calm down, at least he will be clear on what you expect from him.  That way, if he is still falling short, you know that it is by choice instead of by ignorance.  I believe that a lot of the time, remorseful spouses do have good intentions, but they do not have the knowledge or skill.  And they are not sure how their overtures are going to received.  They are understandably concerned about being rejected.  That’s why it’s so important that you define what you want to see.

I also feel strongly that you shouldn’t assume that a spouse who haven’t lived up to all of his claims isn’t sincere or doesn’t love you enough.  My husband had trouble with repairing our marriage at first because things were very awkward between us.  But once we opened the communication a little more and I defined what I needed, this almost gave him the red light to go ahead.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who feel guilty for wanting to withdrawal from their marriage (at least temporarily) after an affair has occurred. Sometimes, the person who wants to withdrawal is the cheating spouse. But sometimes, it is the faithful spouse.

Common comments from the cheating spouse are things like: “I know that my affair was wrong. And I have ended it for good. I know that things could never work out in the long term between myself and the other person. Now that some time has passed, I can look at things more objectively and I can see the problems and the unhealthy nature of that relationship. So, in no way do I want to pursue the affair any more. But at the same time, I am still reeling from this whole experience. I have no doubt that my spouse would be willing to work on my marriage. And I am grateful for that. But right now, I just want to be on my own for a while to figure out what was so damaged within me that I would do something like this to someone who I sincerely love. But, I’m afraid that my spouse is going to take this the wrong way. I am afraid that it is going to hurt my spouse more than I have already hurt her and that is the last thing that I want. Do I have any right to ask to be on my own right now so that I can sort things out? Or do I just need to put my own needs aside and think of my spouse? I don’t want to turn my back on my marriage. I think that there is a chance that one day we could work things out. So I don’t want to take this time if it has the potential to ruin my marriage. What can I do?”

Common comments from the faithful spouse are things like: “my spouse admitted to his affair. He has worked hard to earn back my trust. I do give him credit for trying. I know that he loves me and I know that he is doing all that he can. But the damage is done. I am not saying that I absolutely want a divorce or even a formal separation. But I do feel as if I want to take some time on my own for a while. I’m not saying that I want to be single. I really don’t know what I want. But when I start to hint that I would like some time on my own, my spouse starts to panic. He jumps to conclusions and assumes that this means that I will never forgive him and am moving on without him. This isn’t necessarily true. But I don’t think I’m ever going to know what I really want until I go out on my own. That way, if I decide I want to save our marriage, then I’ll know that it isn’t under duress and it was my own choice. Does that make sense?”

It absolutely does make sense. Especially to me because I was the faithful spouse. But, I also understand why people make unfortunate assumptions that bring about a great deal of risk. Often, the marriage is already extremely vulnerable and folks already expect the worst. So you have to understand that if this isn’t handled correctly, things can deteriorate even further. And even if you never intended for going out on your own to end your marriage, this can be the eventual outcome. In order to avoid that, I’ll offer some tips below.

 Consider Taking Some Time For Yourself Without Making Any Permanent Or Far Reaching Decisions: People sometimes believe that if they are going to take some time for themselves, then they must make a big proclamation and make the drastic measure of separating. This doesn’t have to be the case. Sometimes, you can stay with friends. You can get away for a short time. Or you can even move into another part of your house while you make it very clear that you aren’t going to make any meaningful decisions until you take your time to evaluate more thoroughly. It is much better to take the time and make a sound decision with a clear head and heart than to give into pressure and do something that you don’t really want to do.

If You Do Pull Away, Consider Ways To Check In And Stay Connected: If your marriage could still potentially be important to you, then you probably just do not want abruptly leave your spouse without any plan of when or if you will be in touch. If you must leave, then at least consider scheduling regular times to meet with or check in with your spouse. Probably the easiest way to do this is to go to counseling together at a set times so that at least during that meeting, you get to touch base with one another. This way, no one assumes the worst. If you don’t embrace counseling, then agree on a regular time to meet for dinner or at the very least talk on the phone. You don’t want for your spouse to feel abandoned or to think that you will leave and never look back.

Because the truth is, you just don’t know what the future holds. You don’t know what your heart is going to tell you after you take this time. So you don’t want to close any doors or make an impulsive decision that means that you acted prematurely. So to answer the question posed, I understand why you want to be on your own and I think that this strategy can work as long as it is carried out correctly.

I took some time for myself after my husband’s affair.  This was necessary because I couldn’t relate to him or be in his presence at the time.  Once I calmed down and processed everything, it was much easier for me to determine a course of action.  And this truly did make a big difference so that recovery and a reconciliation was possible.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who are experiencing extremely negative feelings and deep shame after having an affair.  And, many of them are wondering how they can move past this because they know that all of this negativity is really serving no purpose and isn’t help them in any way.

I heard from a wife who said: “I feel like such a cheap, low life for cheating on my husband.  I am so embarrassed by this.  My husband lost his job last year and I had to go back to work.  I am college educated and used to have a career until my children were born.  But when it become clear that I needed to work to help with the bills, I decided to work at a restaurant so that I could have very flexible hours.   It is a job that I never would have taken if we didn’t need the money so badly.  I ended up having an affair with my boss, who manages the restaurant.  Honestly, the other man isn’t anyone that I would have associated with before, much less have been attracted to.  I have never cheated on anyone before.  This is so out of character for me.  I feel like a cheap person who has no integrity.  In order to return some of that integrity, I told my husband everything.   Now, when he looks at me, I can see distaste in his eyes.  I can’t really blame him.  If he came home and told me that he had an affair with a waitress, I would feel the same way that he feels right now.  Because of my affair, I feel like I don’t deserve my husband.  I honestly feel like I don’t deserve my kids.  I feel like I am of a lower class and not as high quality of a person as the rest of my family.  And I am not sure if I am ever going to get over this.  What can I do?”

My heart went out to this woman.  Even though I was on the other side of this situation as the spouse who was cheated on, it was still obvious to me that this woman was truly sorry and truly struggling.   And frankly, as horrible of a mistake as infidelity can be, I’m not sure that anyone should have to pay for it for the rest of their life.  And I certainly didn’t want this wife’s doubts and fears to affect her ability to parent and to enjoy her children.  So in the following article, I will offer some insights that I hope will help in this situation.

Know That You Can’t The Affair Back, But You Can Work Very Hard To Make It Right:  Some people become so discouraged in this situation because they know that they can never take the affair back.  They know that no matter what they do or say, that this is always going to be between them and their spouse.  And they will always know that they made this mistake that hurt so many people.

All of these things are true, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t do everything in your power to make this right again.  No, you can’t change what you did.  But you can do quite a lot to diminish the effects of your actions.  You can work tirelessly to repair your marriage.  And you can be determined to uncover why you cheated so that you can tell your spouse with complete honestly that you will never do it again.

I suspected that the stress of her financial situation left this wife vulnerable to her unfortunate decisions, but this isn’t always the whole story.  Plenty of people experience stress and don’t step over the line.  So you will want to take a close look at what might have contributed to this and then fix it.  That way, you don’t have to continue to walk around worrying that you are damaged beyond all repair.

Frankly, a lack of self esteem is one of the things that can contribute to infidelity and failed marriages so you don’t want to add this to the list of things that you already have to overcome.  Do whatever you need to do in order to feel that you have made a valiant effort to make this situation as benign as it can possibly be.  Strive to be the best spouse as is possible.  Conduct yourself with dignity and respect from today forward.  Vow that your children will not pay the price for your one mistake.   Get help if you need it because your mental and emotional health is worth it.

Yes, infidelity is a huge mistake with far reaching consequences.   But if you don’t do whatever you need to do to heal and to move forward, then you will pay for it for the rest of your life and, as a result, your family will pay for it too.  It’s my opinion that the best thing that you can do is to pick yourself up and vow to become the best person, spouse, and parent that you can be.  Otherwise, the mistake just continues to hurt you and the people that you love and that just isn’t fair.  Nor does it benefit anyone.

Honestly, as angry as I was after my husband’s affair, I would never have wanted him to feel this badly about himself.  I always knew that he was a very good person who made a very bad mistake.  And because I knew that he was a good person with a lot of wonderful attributes, I was willing to give him another chance.  And I have never been sorry.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are very disappointed that their husband won’t stand up and be accountable after he cheated and had an affair. Instead, he is just becoming frustrated, throwing up his hands, and says he can’t deal with all of this.

I heard from wife who said: “my husband cheated on me with my children’s older baby sitter. She’s a grown woman and unemployed so she was watching our kids for some extra spending money. I never suspected that my husband would even be remotely attracted to her, much less that he would cheat on me with her. And actually, she is the one who told me about their relationship. She said that she has developed real feelings for my husband. When I confronted my husband, he insisted that he didn’t have real feelings for her. He promised to break things off and she doesn’t watch our kids anymore. We are trying to pick up the pieces, but sometimes my husband gets very angry and says that he just can not handle all of these emotions. He sees me having negative emotions and he is angry at himself. He says that it is just too much for any couple or marriage to handle. I agree that the emotions are difficult, but what are we supposed to do? Just give up when things get unpleasant? To be honest, I think that my husband is going to deal with unpleasant emotions regardless of whether we are together or not. He made an awful mistake that showed his flaws. He has to deal with that regardless of where he is in his life or who he is with. How do I make him see this?”

This is not an uncommon situation although it is most certainly a frustrating one. It is more common for the faithful spouse to be overwhelmed by their emotions, but it isn’t unheard of for the cheating spouse to experience this also. And yes, it is normal for the person experiencing this to just want to shut down or walk away. But the wife was right in thinking that doing so wasn’t going to solve anything. Regardless of whether you are trying to save your marriage or if you give up or walk away, you are going to have to deal with your feelings and your emotions. Believe me when I say that as much as you might want for them to, they aren’t going to go away unless and until you work through them. I will offer some suggestions on how to make you spouse understand this below.

Be Willing To Allow Both Of You To Take A Break When Things Get Too Intense: When you are trying to save your marriage, it can feel as if you don’t have any time to lose. It feels just awful to feel so lost and injured, so you are motivated to do a lot of work in a very short amount of time.

However, sometimes when you are trying to do such intense work, the emotions can become a bit overwhelming which can make a bad situation even worse. When this point comes, sometimes you are better off just taking a break and regrouping when you can. This doesn’t mean that you have to split up. But it can mean that you take a couple of days without rehashing the affair. You may want to just take some things off the table until the situation calms down.

Does this mean that all he has to do is pretend to be overwhelmed so that he gets a free pass? Absolutely not. Obviously, you have to use your own judgement as to when he is being genuine and when he is just trying to manipulate the situation so that he is not having to be accountable for his actions. And obviously if he tries to play this card too often, then you will want to reevaluate.

But sometimes, you can both get so overwhelmed with the negative feelings that you can’t really see things clearly and you aren’t moving forward. That’s when it makes sense to pause until you can both be more objective.

So my suggestion would be that the next time he expresses that he’s overwhelmed by all of the emotions, you might respond with something like: “well, I feel overwhelmed too. This isn’t easy but it is our reality. Obviously, we’ve hit a spot where we are both frustrated and overwhelmed. Why don’t we take a break for a few days and revisit this when we are both more able to do so? I am not saying that we are going to ignore reality but I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with taking some time to allow things to calm down. We may just have to pace ourselves. With that said, by no means do I want for you to think that I don’t expect for you to be accountable or that I don’t expect for you to plough through the tough times. I do. Frankly, we are going to have to deal with the negative emotions regardless. Until we address them, they are going to keep coming up. So why don’t we just gradually address them as we are able but remain committed to our marriage and to overcoming this?”

I’m not saying that this conversation is going to fix all of your problems, but perhaps it will allow him to see that you are willing to be a little more flexible as long as he is willing to being accountable and to gradually moving forward. Either of your needing time doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other or that your marriage can’t be saved.  This is a difficult situation and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed but it’s important to gradually move forward anyway.

When I used to feel overwhelmed in the after math of my husband’s affair, I learned to pause.  Because if I didn’t, then I would lash out, say things I regretted and make the whole thing worse.  Eventually, I tried to use my negative emotions as a cue to do something kind or healthy for myself.  This helped to break up the negative cycle until I was able to recover.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are struggling with how to classify or view their husband after he cheated or had an affair. Often, they have always thought of their husband as a high quality person with integrity. But now, they are no longer so sure of this assessment.

I heard from a wife who said: “I have always thought of my husband as the nicest guy. I was so proud to be married to him. Every one likes him and thinks very highly of him. He is a wonderful father and he has always been a wonderful husband. I have always thought that I would never have to worry about him mistreating me or doing anything that would put our marriage in jeopardy. But now I am faced with the possibility that I just might have been wrong about this. Because I found out about three weeks ago that he has been cheating with one of his coworkers. To his credit, he did come to me and admit the affair. He said he could not continue to lie to me and he has promised that he has broken it off. He is currently looking for another job because he doesn’t want for me to worry about him working with her. I have been honest with my husband and have told him that I don’t know if I can ever look at him the same way again. His response was that he hopes that I can because he views himself as a good person who just make one mistake. He is asking me not to discard all of the good he has done in our marriage because of a one time lack of judgement. One of my best friends knows about this situation and she says my husband is just a really nice guy who did a really stupid thing. She said it’s obvious that he loves his family and wants to make this right. I agree to an extent, but how nice can he really be if he cheated on me? Do nice guys cheat on their wives over only one stupid indiscretion and then go on to love their families?” I will tell you my opinion on this in the following article.

I realize that some people are going to disagree with me, but I absolutely think that it is possible for very nice and loving men to make a one time mistake that they never repeat. This is particularly true if that same man is going through a life crisis that affects what would otherwise be good judgement at any other time. Now, a man who has cheated more than once is less likely to fall into this category.

But I know many husbands (including mine) who made one mistake that they never made again and who and went on to be very loving husbands and fathers in a loving and healthy marriage. So how do you know if your husband is one of those one time offenders who truly is a nice guy who was only momentarily stupid? Well often, you need to look at his past behaviors, which I will discuss now.

What Does His Past Behaviors Say About Him?: I am going to tell you two things which I believe contribute to cheating. This is only my opinion based on my own research and from comments that I get from men on my blog. But I believe that men who repeatedly cheat often have a lack of impulse control and poor decision making skills. They also will often participate in risky behavior in order to generate excitement when they are bored or struggling in some way. When wives ask me if their husband will cheat again, I often ask them to look into his past for any hints of repetitive risky or thrill seeking behavior and also evidence that he is repeatedly impulsive. Men who exhibit this behavior can most certainly be rehabilitated, but it takes work.

Men who haven’t shown these tendencies in the past are good candidates (at least in my opinion) to be one time offenders who go on to become faithful and loving spouses. Honestly, if I had assumed that one mistake meant that my husband was no longer a good person, we likely would not still be married today. But his past behavior and actions showed me that he truly was a good person who acted with integrity. Likewise, his behavior after the affair confirmed that same integrity, which leads me to my next point.

What Does His Current Behavior Say About Him Now?: Often, men with high levels of remorse and integrity are less likely to cheat again.  Again, this is only my opinion but I firmly believe this.  These men know that they have made a grave mistake and they are determined never to repeat it.  They are willing to dig in and to do the hard and necessary work in order to rehabilitate themselves so that you feel secure enough to begin to work on your healing.

In short, they put you and repairing the marriage first. So, you won’t hear tons of excuses and you won’t hear them blame you. Instead, you will see them spring into action to begin to make this right again, not because they want to take some of the heat off of themselves but because they truly love their family and they don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it ever again. And it sounded to me as if this husband fell into that category.

As I alluded to, I firmly believe that some men make a one time mistake that they never repeat.  And I believe that my husband was in this category.  I will not lie and say that healing was easy or quick.   But it was worth it.  Our marriage is strong today and very much still in tact.  I am glad I did not discount my husband’s years of good and loving behavior because of one thing.  Yes, we had to work very hard to fix that one thing, but I am glad we did.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from people who are wondering if they should believe their spouse’s claims that he is more in love with them after he has made the mistake of cheating or having an affair.  Often, they truly want to believe him because they want to have some security after having been through so much.   But, they often doubt that his claims are even possible.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me about six months ago.  Since that time, we have been in counseling and we are trying very hard to make it work.   And there are times when I feel that we are making progress and there are times when I feel like I am only seeing what I want to see.  The other day at counseling, my husband told the counselor that he was more in love with me today than he was five years ago.   At first, I thought that this was a sweet thing to say.  But the next day, it started to bug me.  And a little voice in my head wondered how in the world he could be so in love with me when just a short time ago, he was sleeping with someone else.  Did he lie to me right to my face?  Is it possible to be more in love with your spouse after infidelity?”

I will try to answer this question as best as I can.  But I have to disclose that I was the faithful spouse.  So while I can tell you how I felt afterward, I don’t have the perspective of a cheating spouse.  However, I hear from a lot of them on my blog.  And many very sincerely proclaim that they love their spouse more than ever.  I have some theories as to why they feel that way which I will share right now.

Often, The Threat Of Losing Your Spouse Makes You See What Is Precious About Them:  It’s just a fact of life that if you face the threat of losing something that is valuable to you, then you appreciate it even more.  But, if  you face losing it because of your own mistake or your own fault, then your emotions are magnified that much more.  This doesn’t make your emotions any less sincere however.

Often, the fall out of infidelity makes you take inventory of what you have taken for granted and why you need to aggressively try to make this right.  Many men comment on my blog that they feel like an idiot because they went looking for something that they now realize they had right in front of them the whole time.  And they are wondering if this person who they betrayed will ever have it in their heart to give them one more chance.

So yes, most of the time, they are absolutely sincere when they say that they love you more now.   You have to ask yourself this.  Why would a man repeatedly go to counseling month after month and repeatedly do what you have asked him to do if his heart wasn’t really in it? Why would he lie in that way? I understand that the little voice in the back of your head might be coming up with all sorts of reasons.  But perhaps try to listen to your heart instead.  And give him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to.

Is It Possible For The Faithful Spouse To Eventually Be More In Love With The Cheating Spouse?:  Sometimes, the faithful spouse will ask me if they will ever truly feel the same type of love that they once felt before the infidelity.   Often, they just don’t believe that it’s possible because they now look at their spouse in a different, and more negative, way.  I can only tell you my experience.  It took a while before I was even open to the idea of loving feelings for my husband.  But now that my healing has been complete for quite a while, I can say that I love my husband as much as I always  did.  I do not know if I can say that I love him more, because I always loved him very much.  But I can say that I love our marriage more.  Because it is now better.  And he is more in tune to what I need and want.  He is more attentive because he doesn’t take me, or our marriage, for granted.  And neither do I.  We both learned to address problems before they escalate.  And we learned how to communicate and say what we really meant.  In a sense, this is like many of those martial trials that were awful at the time but made you stronger in the end.

So to answer the question posed, I do think that is possible to love your spouse, and your marriage, even more – particularly if you are the cheating spouse.  Because this all process shows you what you might have lost.  And therefore you appreciate and embrace it that much more.

I understand how the doubts can make you wonder about the validity of every word out of your spouse’s mouth.  But if his actions are in alignment with his words, it can make sense to give him the benefit of the doubt unless something changes.  I know that it is scary to be vulnerable.  But it can be worth it.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from people who feel short changed after their spouse cheated or had an affair.  They often feel that they were the one who had to do all of the forgiving and who had to make all of the concessions while their spouse is the one who gets to make a mistake without any real consequences.

Common comments in this regard are things like: “I just don’t feel like anything about this situation is fair.  My husband cheated on me and all he basically has to do is to say he’s sorry and get on with his life.  He knows that I won’t divorce him because of our kids.  He knows that I am stuck.  So now I have to swallow my pride and take back this person who has so little integrity that he would lie to his family.  I feel like having my own affair just to make things even because he certainly isn’t going out of his way to make this up to me.”

I also sometimes hear from the spouse who cheated who feels as if he hasn’t yet done enough to make this right.  Common comments in this regard are things like: “I don’t think that I will ever be able to make this up to my spouse.  Yes, I have shown my remorse.  Yes, we have gone to counseling.  And yes, I have done everything that she has asked me to do.  I truly am sorry.  I am doing everything in my power to make this up to her.  But sometimes, I see a look in her eye that tells me that she is still deeply wounded and that she might never be the same ever again.  I want to make this fair for her.  I wish that I was the wronged one.  I would take her pain away if I could.  What can I do to make this more fair?  I tell and show her that I love her but sometimes I feel like it’s just not enough.”   I will try to address both concerns in the following article.

Trying To Make Things Even Through Negative Behaviors Or Actions Will Only Make Things Worse:  People often ask me if they should have their own affair to try to make things more equitable.  They want for their spouse to feel the pain that they have felt.  They’d like for their spouse to have a taste of the bitterness of insecurity.  And they only way that they can envision this is to put their spouse in the same situation that they were in.

I understand this thought process as I have had it myself.  But I have never once seen this strategy turn out well.  There are so many issues that couples need to overcome with only one affair.  But imagine how difficult this becomes when you are now dealing with two affairs.   Everyone knows the old adage that when you hurt someone else, you are really hurting yourself just as much.  Well, in this case it is absolutely true.  I understand why this idea appeals to you, but please trust me when I tell you that it will often only make things worse.

The Faithful Spouse Needs To Be In A Better Situation Than They Started With:  If you really want to know how things become “fair” or “even” after an affair, here is my take on this.  The faithful spouse needs to be built up so that they have a better situation than before the affair.  No, you can’t turn back time.  You can’t erase the pain.  But you can help your spouse heal.  You can give your spouse whatever she needs to learn to trust you again.  You can make absolutely sure that your marriage is stronger and better than it was before the affair.  You can get your spouse the help that she will likely need to rebuild her self esteem.  You can show her affection, loyalty, and affirmation on a daily basis so that she regains her confidence in you and in the marriage.

Yes, you still have a situation in which one spouse made a mistake while the other spouse did nothing wrong.  And unfortunately, you can not change this.  But if you work very hard to show your spouse that you are willing to do anything to make this right, you will often find that you have a better marriage than you started with and this is a gift to both you.  Frankly, when both spouses and the marriage have fully healed, people no longer feel the need to keep score and their main concern just becomes their own happiness and wellbeing rather than causing more pain.

Believe me when I saw that I understand the need to make this more equitable. I felt this way too.  But one day, I realized that I didn’t want to bring about any more pain or fear.  I wanted to bring about healing so I could put this behind me and let it go.  Keeping score only keeps it going.  Let go of the score keeping and this will allow you to let go of more of the pain.  If it helps, you can read about how I recovered on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who very much regret having an affair. Not only do they often realize too late that the affair was a huge mistake, but now they must face the fact that they have also put their marriage in jeopardy. Many soon realize that living with this type of betrayal is extremely trying. So they start to think about confessing to their spouses but they are so worried that their spouse is going to kick them out of their lives and never take them back.

I heard from a wife who said: “tonight, I’m going to tell my husband that I have been having an affair. I have already told the other man that it is over and to never contact me again. There was a time when I was sure that I would never confess because doing so would only hurt my husband and ruin my marriage. But I now realize that I must confess because the guilt is just too much. And I feel like my husband may eventually find out anyway. There’s a chance that the other man might seek him out and tell him just to hurt me. So I would rather tell him myself first. But my concern is that he won’t take me back into our marriage and into his heart. Will he take me back?”

Unfortunately, the only person who could really answer this question was this woman’s husband. Only he knew if he was going to be willing to try to restore the marriage. But, as the faithful spouse in my own marriage, I can tell you the things that might make it more likely that he will take you back. And I can also tell you the things that make the same less likely. I will do so below.

The Things That Make It Less Likely That Your Spouse Will Take You Back: I know how I felt in my own situation and I also hear from many faithful spouses on my blog. One thing that will make a faithful spouse furious is a cheating spouse who comes across with a sense of entitlement or who feels justified in his actions. It also doesn’t help when you think that you spouse is insincere or is just telling you what they think you want to hear.

So whatever you do, do not come across as if you are not taking full responsibility for your actions. Do not get defensive or try to make any part of this seem like this was your spouse’s fault. I’m sure that your marriage wasn’t perfect and that you had legitimate reasons to be unhappy. However, none of this makes it acceptable to cheat. You have to think about how you would feel if your spouse cheated on you and then approach your spouse with that in mind.

The Things That Will Make It More Likely That Your Spouse Will Take You Back: I can tell you without any doubt that the faithful spouse wants to see remorse and sorrow. They must believe that you could not be more sorry for what you did because you are fully aware that it was wrong and that there was absolutely no excuse for it.

It also helps if you take full responsibility for every part of the affair right from the very beginning. It’s very helpful if you have and then share some understanding of why you cheated. Because if you understand what motivated you or left you vulnerable, then it is much easier to address and remove this obstacle so that your spouse can believe that once you do this, you won’t cheat again.

You must look at this from your spouse’s point of view and then ask yourself what you can do to help them heal. It helps if you can go to your spouse with a plan in place. Don’t just confess and expect for your spouse to do all of the healing and all of the work. Do your homework. Find resources and help from the very beginning so that your spouse knows that you are so motivated to make this right that you already have a plan to fix it.

Be willing to do whatever your spouse needs for you to do in order to begin to heal and restore the trust.

So many cheating spouse say how sorry they are and they claim that they will do anything if their spouse would just take them back. But when that same spouse asks to go to counseling, asks for accountability, or asks for passwords and phone access, suddenly the cheating spouse will try to make exceptions proclaim an invasion of privacy.

If you truly want for your spouse to take you back, then you can’t do things like this. You must always put their needs and their well being first. I know that this can be frustrating sometimes, but you have to understand how badly you have hurt them and your marriage. And you have to understand that fixing this is now your responsibility and that you must be the one to take the initiative in order to prove to them that it’s in their best interest to take you back.

And, you must do what you have promised. You must know that you can’t tell even little white lies. You can’t do anything that can be construed as even a little inappropriate. Because your spouse is going to already have their doubts about trusting you and you can’t do anything to erode the trust even more or they may begin to think that they are better off not taking you back.

So while I can’t tell you definitively if your spouse will take you back, I can tell you that it’s my belief that you need to do everything in your power to make this right.  This way, no matter what happens, you will know that although you can’t change the past, you have done everything possible to mitigate the damage.

Although my husband hurt me deeply with his affair, I did eventually take him back because he showed me over time that he was remorseful and that he was rehabilitated.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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