Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from spouses who are genuinely remorseful for their infidelity but who are also genuinely tired of having to talk about, discuss, or rehash the details of the affair endlessly.  They often wonder just how many times they are going to have to go over the same details.  They wonder how many times they are going to have to patiently answer repetitive questions.  And they wonder most of all if it is every going to end or if this is a scenario that is going to keep playing out for the rest of their lives.

I heard from a wife who said: “I will admit that my affair was all my fault.  I am the one who cheated on my husband. I am the one who kept it a secret.  I am the one who went behind my husband’s back and lied.  And I deserve to be doing everything that I am having to do right now to save my marriage.  I am willing to do whatever it takes.  But I am curious to know for how long we are going to have to talk about the affair over and over again.  It seems that my husband always wants to rehash the same things.  He asks the same questions.  I will patiently go over how I reconnected with the other man, how the affair started, how it was carried out, and how I feel right now.  I will stress that I love my husband and will never cheat again.  He will accept my answers.  But tomorrow he will want to talk about exactly the same things. For how long will this go on?  Because it’s very trying and discouraging.  I love my husband and would do anything to have him back.  But I hope these conversations aren’t what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life.”

I may not be the most open minded person to whom to post this question.  As a spouse who has been cheated on, I know first hand that you have many questions.  Also, you sometimes doubt the validity and the sincerity of the answers that are being given because you are hurt and because you are dealing with someone who has already lied to you.  So as much as you might want to believe every word your spouse says and so that you can then just drop the topic forever, you simply can’t.  You go to bed thinking that with any luck you can wake up tomorrow and put it all behind you and then when the sun comes up, the doubt and pain creeps back in and so you have questions again because you need more reassurance.

I know that this is difficult for you both, but you have to have patience with your spouse because frankly, if you hadn’t set this into motion with your own actions, then you would not be dealing with the questions.  Try very hard to understand where your spouse is coming from.  The questions aren’t meant to badger or punish you, they are there because your spouse needs reassurance and answers.  And sometimes this just takes time. With this said, there are some things that you can do to answer as effectively as you possible can in order to shorten the length of your spouse’s doubts.  I will discuss that more now.

Make Sure You Are Very Clear And Consistent:  I need to say very directly that you need to tell your spouse the absolute truth.  It is not in your best interest to try to keep details from your spouse because a person who has been cheated on has the capacity to develop detective like skills when the need calls for it. Your spouse is just naturally going to be suspicious of you right now.  So they are going to be watching you very closely for any inconsistencies or any indication that you are holding something back.  Make sure you are telling the truth because if you aren’t, you’re going to continue to get questions meant to trip you up.  But if you are consistent with what you are telling your spouse (which will naturally will occur when you are being completely truthful,) then over time this should help diminish your spouse’s doubts and fears.

Don’t Make Your Spouse Drag The Information Out Of You:  Some people are understandably reluctant to just level with their spouse.  So they make their spouse grill them with questions and yet they still give their spouse only bits and pieces of what they have asked.  If your spouse asks you a line of questioning, then you know your spouse well enough to understand what they want to know and you should make it easy on both of you by just giving that information to them.

For example, if your spouse asks “what did this person mean to you?,” you might be inclined to say something like “it was a sexual relationship for a little while,” because you’d hope that your spouse would then drop it.  But they likely won’t do that.  Because you haven’t told them what they really want to know.  They really want to know if you have an emotional tie or were in love with this other person.  They want to know if you are still pining for this other person and or if you still have contact.  They want to understand the implications of all of this for your marriage.

So the better answer would  be something like: “we had a physical relationship on four occasions but it stopped there.  I wasn’t emotionally attached.  I wasn’t in love.  I was never going to leave you or end our marriage to be with him.  I am not in contact with him now and I won’t be in the future.  You are my priority.  The relationship is over and I intend to do everything in my power to make you believe that.”

Do you see the difference?  You want to answer what they have asked you, but you also want to read between the lines and answer the unspoken questions also.

But to answer the question posed by this wife, I really don’t know how long your spouse will have questions, but I do know that if you are forthcoming, consistent, and honest, this will go a long way toward offering the reassurance that is needed to tone down all of the questions.

I will admit that I probably had questions long after my husband was comfortable answering them. But he had patience and he continued to try to tell me what I wanted to know. This went a long way toward my trusting him again and allowing us to save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are dealing with some very difficult truths.  First of all, they are dealing with the fact that their husband has been unfaithful and having an affair.  And second, they are dealing with a husband who now doesn’t want to return home and who doesn’t know if he is ever going to return to the marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “about six months ago, my husband told me that he was moving out.  He said that he wanted to take a break from our marriage.  I didn’t feel that I had any choice about this.  Then once he’d been gone for about three weeks, I found out that he was living with someone else. This devastated me.  He swore that he had just met her, but I’ve recently found out that they knew one another while he was still living at home with me.  I know in my heart that he was having an affair and he left me to be with her.  He swears that it wasn’t an affair, but I don’t believe him.  Even so, I still want to save my marriage.  I have asked him to break it off and move back home so that we can work it out.  But he refuses.  He says he still needs time to sort himself out.   How can I get him to come home, end the affair, and leave her?”

Know That Forcing His Hand Often Isn’t The Best Choice: I know that this was difficult.  It was a double blow.  But I also know that if you attempt to force a husband to come home when that hasn’t been his own decision, it will rarely work out in a positive way.  Even if he does come home, he will do so begrudgingly and he will often mope around and refuse to willingly participate in your marriage or in your recovery.  I know that this isn’t easy.  What you likely really want is to for him to come to his senses, call you up and tell you that the affair is completely over, and beg you to come home.  This does sometimes happen but it is much better if you allow it to happen on its own.  And in it’s own time.  I will discuss this more below.

If He Doesn’t Want To Come Home, Stop Asking Him To Do So: Believe me when I say that I understand your struggles.  I have been in this place and I know how much is breaks your heart and makes you doubt your own worth.  You figure that you only need for him to agree with you once, so you’ll just keep asking him until you get the answer that you want.  But, what you often don’t realize is that this will usually only make him more distant from you and, as a result, the affair relationship might actually strengthen.  The other woman knows she has competition and this makes her just that much more interested in maintaining the relationship.  And because you’re pushing your husband so much to come home, this will often make him want to stay away that much more.

But, when you stop what hasn’t been working and stop asking him to come home, you might find that eventually the unexpected happens.  When you leave their relationship to run it’s course, you will sometimes find that it fizzles out much more quickly.  They no longer have an audience and they no longer have the conflict on which an affair will often feed.  So without all of the secrecy and the drama of the affair, it often isn’t quite so exciting for either of them and it will naturally end.  However, know that if and when this happens, you then have a choice as to how (or even if) you will welcome him back home.  You always have the evaluate what is right for you at the time.

Right Now, Your Focus Should Be On Yourself:  It was clear that this husband couldn’t see much beyond himself.  So, in my experience and opinion, when you are dealing with a situation like this,  the best thing that you can do is to make yourself a priority while you are waiting to see what is going to happen.  That way, you aren’t wasting your time or energy waiting on something that may not happen quickly.  And you know that strengthening yourself and prioritizing your own healing can only improve your situation, regardless of what happens down the road with your marriage.

Sure, the optimal situation is having a willing husband who has quickly and completely ended the affair and  has rushed home.  But if that is not your reality, you can still work with what you still have.  You can take inventory of your own life, figure out what is working and what isn’t, and give yourself what you need to heal and to reclaim your best self.  If and when he decides to come home, then great, he will have a stronger and more self loving wife to come home to who will have made herself a priority and has already done a good deal of healing.

Once I decided that I was going to become my best self regardless of what happened with my marriage, things really improved for me.  This shift ended up improving my marriage also, but that wasn’t my intention at the time.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives whose cheating husband’s words are saying one thing, but whose actions are saying another.  Often, the husband is claiming that he would do anything to save his marriage but, at the same time, he is acting angry, distant, and resentful.  The wife can not help but wonder if this is really a man who truly wants to save his marriage or if he is just reciting empty words.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair three months ago.  At first, he said that he would do anything to get me back.  For about two weeks, he was so sweet and loving.  This won me over and made me decide to give him one more chance.  Well, as of this week, the good behavior has stopped.  He is now very distant and cold.  If I ask him where he is or where he’s going, it’s almost as if he’s resentful that I would demand answers from him.  It might be my imagination, but I think he’s being secretive.  He doesn’t ever volunteer any information and he isn’t trying as hard as he was.  When I tell him that he’s not acting like a man who wants to save his marriage, he said that he doesn’t know what I want from him.  I don’t feel like I should have to spell it out.  Am I out of my mind here?  How should a man be acting when he has had an affair and claims he wants to save his marriage?”

I most definitely have an opinion on this, although it’s probably not a very unbiased one.  As someone who has been cheated on, I know how it feels to need reassurance and accountability.  And I do not think that this is too much to ask.  In the following article, I’ll discuss what types of behavior that I think you should be looking for.

You Want To See Sincerity:  You want to see a man who isn’t just pretending or who isn’t just telling you what he thinks that you want to hear.  This recovery phrase isn’t always going to be perfect.  You both might feel frustrated sometimes and his behavior might show this.  I really don’t have a problem with that. I would rather he show his true feelings (even if they are negative) than for him to pretend and have you wondering if you can trust what he is showing or telling you.

It’s important to create an environment where both parties are free to say what you really feel even if it’s hurtful, inconvenient, or not attractive.  No one should feel as if they have to walk on eggshells or wonder what the other is thinking.

He Should Be Thinking Of Healing And Rehabilitation Instead Of What’s Fair Or What’s In His Own Best Interest:  I realize that the above paragraph may have sounded like I was defending the husband.  I truly wasn’t. But I do think it’s important for both people to be genuine.  With this said, I also believe that it’s vital that you see a husband who knows that this is his fault.  He must be accountable.  He must be responsible for fixing the situation that he himself created.  So, he must be willing to show you his true remorse, to offer you that reassurance and accountability that you need, and to go out of his way to voluntarily tell you where he is or who he is with because he understands that you have a very valid reason to want this information.

Sure, he may sometimes be annoyed that it has all come to this. But even so, he must understand that it has come to this because he has created this. And his main concern should be on helping you to heal and to move past this.  He should also be particularly interested in doing whatever is necessary to make your marriage better and to remove the vulnerabilities that lead you here in the first place.  I’m not saying that every one is going to be happy about this. It’s not a fun process.  But people who really want to fix their mistakes and save their marriage will dig in their heels and do what needs to be done, even when it isn’t always pleasant.

What If He’s Not Acting Right?:  Many wives in this situation will read what I’ve just suggested and then proclaim that their husband isn’t acting right.  They will then declare their husband or their marriage a lost cause or they will assume that their husband just doesn’t love them enough or isn’t truly committed.

This isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, he’s frustrated with himself or the situation and he’s acting out.  Other times, he is posturing because he’s hoping that as a result, you will take some of the pressure off of him.

Sometimes, it’s necessary to have a very frank conversation.  A suggested script is something like: “I need to be very specific about what I need to start to heal.  I know that we both want to put this behind us but we can’t do that until I feel secure, loved, and prioritized.  When you become defensive, cold, and secretive, it’s nearly impossible for these things to happen.  I know that these aren’t fun times.  But I need for you to do better.  I need for you to willingly tell me where you are without making me demand information.  I need for you to show me more affection and to offer me more reassurance.  I hate feeling like you’re always angry and inconvenienced in this marriage.  Can you commit to trying a little harder?”

This conversation doesn’t ensure that the husband is immediately going to do everything perfectly.  But it may let him know that you are going to keep right on asking until you get what you need.  So he may decide that it’s in his best interest to go ahead and take the initiative instead of hoping that you will settle for less.  It also lets him know that showing vulnerability and remorse is actually to his benefit and isn’t a weakness on his part.

My husband didn’t do everything perfectly after his affair.  He was resistant on many levels and I had to make it clear that I would not settle for less.  Eventually, he came to understand that it was to his benefit to show vulnerability and real feelings rather than to hide them.  This began our healing process and help to save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who don’t feel as if they have completely healed since their husband’s affair.  This can be true regardless of whether or not they stayed with their husband.  Often, no matter what has happened or how much time has passed, they still feel like they haven’t let go or haven’t moved on.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair three years ago.  We are still together.  Our marriage has mostly recovered.   I know for a fact that the other woman is out of the picture. I believe that my husband is sorry.  All of the conditions that I required of my husband have been met.  I mostly have my life back. My marriage is in tact.  My family is together.  So, why don’t I feel triumphant?  And why have I not been able to completely move on?  I find myself harboring anger at my husband for things unrelated to this.  If he does one little thing wrong, I will think about the affair in my own mind although I do not bring it up.  It is like I am adding one more little slip up to the long list that I keep in my head.  I don’t want to feel this way about my husband.  But I can not forget what he did.  I want to wake up one day and stop thinking about this.  I want to completely move on.  I want this to be gone from my life.  Why hasn’t this happened yet?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Is There A Part Of You That Doesn’t Want To Let Go Or That Doesn’t Want To Give Up The Upper Hand?:  I am going to give you fair warning that some of the things that I am going to say might push your buttons or make you feel defensive.  I promise you that this isn’t my intention.  I am saying things that might be difficult to hear because what I truly want, more than anything, is to help you move past this so that you can feel unencumbered joy for the rest of your life.  I have been there and I know that you don’t deserve (or want) to live this way.  So the things that I am going to say are difficult, but I feel that they are necessary.

My first question (again, from experience) is whether somewhere deep down, you want to keep the upper hand.  I know that this was the case for me.  Letting go means that you no longer have the crutch of his cheating when you argue.  You no longer hold the trump card that allows you to put this in his face.  That means if you make a mistake, you have to own up to it and get called on it rather than pulling out your trump card, which can be oh so easy and habit forming.  It’s addicting when you have the upper hand.

But at the same time, it keeps you stuck.  It keeps the anger churning and bubbling.  And when there is so much inner turmoil, it’s almost impossible to truly move on.

Have You Reclaimed Your Life Outside Of Your Marriage?:  This is another tough question to ask.  And by no means am I asking in an accusatory or condescending way.  I am asking it out of concern.   I know from experience that sometimes you don’t or can’t move on because you feel like you haven’t been able to replace what was lost.  Therefore, you have underlying resentment that you haven’t yet been made whole.  But the thing is, sometimes only you can truly make yourself whole.  Other people can disappoint you, or misunderstand you, or just be unable to provide what you need.  But you have the power to do all of these things for yourself.

It takes courage.  It takes drive and it requires for you to step outside of your comfort zone and step into the light.  But I find that a lot of the time, we haven’t been made whole out of fear or isolation.  We become comfortable in the dark.  We don’t seek out or demand what we are afraid to admit that we really want.

Take a minute and sit down and list who you were and what you enjoyed before the affair.  Now, do the same for the here and the now.  Many times, you will find that you have stopped or slowed the things that you used to enjoy which have nothing whatsoever to do with your husband, your marriage, or even the affair.   You might blame these changes on the affair, but in reality, the only person who can give you your life back is you.

This wife admitted that her husband had done everything that had been asked of him. He was sincere and he was trying extremely hard to make things right again.  He had proven his love and his commitment repeatedly. And yet, she still had been unable to move on.  So it was time to take inventory and find out where the resentment was coming from.  Many times, it comes from the fact that you have not yet picked up all of the pieces of your life.

Infidelity can bring out our fears and insecurities. And this is unfair and not our fault.  But all we have control over is today.  Now is the time to take control and take your life back.  The time is now. You deserve to live your best life.  None of this is your fault, but you have to take the initiative and be your own best advocate.

I can honestly say that I feel that I’ve put my husband’s infidelity behind me.  It certainly wasn’t always this way.  But there just came a point where I no longer wanted to live in the past.  I no longer wanted to feel that I was dragging around dead weight.  I wanted to feel free.  I wanted to feel hope.  And I made that happen, sometimes by sheer stubbornness.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are unsure if they will ever be inclined to forgive their husband for cheating or having an affair. Unfortunately, society often gives these wives not so subtle messages about the necessity of forgiving sooner rather than later.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband recently admitted to me that he had an affair early in our marriage. He said that he couldn’t continue to lie to me even though it has been over for years. I think that he assumed that since it happened so long ago, there really wouldn’t be a huge fall out. He was wrong. I honestly don’t know what I want to happen but I do know that I am not just going to forgive him now and maybe not ever. My first husband cheated on me so my current husband knows very well that this is a deal breaker. The truth is, I still love my husband. He is a good man. We have a good marriage that I would not want to throw away, but at the same time, I do not want to forgive him right now. I don’t think what he did warrants my forgiveness. And I guess I am just not a good enough person but I do not feel capable of forgiveness for that kind of betrayal. But all of my friends say that my marriage will never work if I can’t forgive him. Are they right?” I will tell you my opinion on this below.

Why I Don’t Believe That Forgiveness Is Required, Especially At First: If you listen to mental health specialists and well meaning friends, you would think that the idea forgiveness comes almost automatically. It seems that people assume that you can’t move on in a healthy way until you forgive.

Although I agree that forgiveness is optimal and a worthwhile long term goal, I would disagree that it is always necessary, especially in the early stages of healing. First of all, if you forgive before you are ready, willing and able to do so, then it is not going to be genuine anyway and you are not going to get any benefit from it. Not only that, but it could foster resentment that you claimed to offer something that wasn’t yet yours to give.

Also, sometimes it takes a while to take all of this in, see the entire picture, and then evaluate how you want to proceed. And even then, many of us need to watch and wait for quite a while. We need to wait it out to see if our husband is going to make good on his promises. Forgiving before we have this reassurance can feel like it is just unrealistic or too much to ask.

Frankly, I did not forgive my husband in the early stages of recovery. In fact, I made it clear that I might never forgive him. Instead, I promised to wait and see what would happen rather than just walking away. But I made no promises as far as forgiveness went. Eventually, I committed to saving and rebuilding our marriage. A little later, I committed to letting go of resentment and anger. I eventually allowed myself to be vulnerable again so that we could have a whole marriage. But honestly, forgiveness didn’t come until I was at peace with the whole situation and at peace with myself and the way that I had rebounded.

Don’t get me wrong. I think that if you can offer heartfelt forgiveness, then this can be very freeing. But I also do not think that you should lie or kid yourself and offer it up before you are ready because of pressure or guilt.

Why Forgiveness Is For You And Not For Him: Wives often assume that once they forgive their husbands, they are giving him a free pass or they are unleashing that little bit of leverage that they have over him. I understand why it might seem so. But it actually feels wonderful to forgive once you are truly ready to do so. Because suddenly, you get to drop that horribly heavy weight that you have been carrying. You get to let it go.

And suddenly, things are more equitable between you. And you no longer have to worry if he is motivated only to seek your forgiveness. Since you have already offered it, you know that his actions are genuine. You know that he is being sweet or loving or accountable because he wants to and not because he is seeking forgiveness from you.

When this happens, you will sometimes find that all that anger that you were holding onto and being damaged by is suddenly gone. There is a huge release and this allows that choke hold on your marriage to also release so that you can move on.

So to answer the initial concern, I don’t think that anyone should be forced into forgiveness if they are not ready. I believe that you don’t have to forgive before you try to save your marriage. I believe that you have the right to just wait and see how things unfold. With that said, you will often find that once some healing and progress have taken place and once you feel that you have been made whole again, you may just naturally want to forgive because carrying that burden is a heavy load indeed.

As I alluded to, I did forgive my husband, but not until I was good and ready and not until he had proven to me that it made sense to do so.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who are looking for advice in order to help them get back their spouse after they have cheated or had an affair.  They often worry that it’s too late and this hurts them deeply because there is nothing that they can do to turn back time.   Still, they want to try their very best in order to get back the spouse who they now realize they never want to be without.

I heard from a wife who said: “I cheated on my husband about four months ago.  I was going to tell him and I was going to break off the affair and beg him to work on our marriage.  But before I could do that, the other man’s wife found out, called my husband, and told him everything.  My husband is every bit as furious as I knew that he would be.  And he immediately packed his bags and left me.   I keep waiting for this situation to calm down so that I can reach out to him and beg him to give me another chance.  Every day without him makes me realize how much I want to save this marriage and how much I need to have him in my life.  The problem is that he isn’t really receptive to me.  I see him regularly because he comes to get our children and spend time with them.  The other day when he was here I blurted out how much I missed him.  He told me that he missed me too but that he knows himself well enough to realize that he will never be able to get over my infidelity.   He said that it hurt him as a man and that this wound is never going to go away.  He told me that he was no longer angry at me and that he was going to work very hard to co parent with me in a very healthy way.  But he said that for now, he just wanted to be on his own.  This isn’t what I wanted to hear.  I desperately want to get him back.  How can I do this?”

I understand the pain of fearing that you are going to lose your marriage after infidelity.  I was the faithful spouse.  And there was a long period of time when I wasn’t sure if our marriage was going to make it (or even if it should.)  I couldn’t even decide if I wanted to pursue saving my marriage.   And thankfully, my husband respected this and gave me the time and space to come to a decision without pressure.  But over time and partly because of my husband’s actions, I did eventually decide to try again in my marriage.  Below, I will share some things that contributed to that decision.

Getting Your Spouse Back Should Not Be Your Primary Goal.  Helping Your Spouse Heal Should Be Your Highest Priority:  I am just going to put this bluntly.  If all you care about is getting your spouse back because it is something that you want, it is going to be obvious to your spouse that you are more focused on what you want than on what your spouse needs.   Your number one priority should be about making this right for your spouse.  Right now, your own needs should take a back seat.   Your focus should be on helping your spouse with whatever they need.

In this case, meeting these requirements would be a little tricky because the couple wasn’t living together full time.  However, they did see one another on a regular basis.  So when this wife saw her husband, she could make it her priority to ask about how he was doing and she could ask if there was anything that he needed from her.  Another idea was to ask to seek counseling for the co parenting issue.  It made sense that this couple needed to heal if for nothing else than to be the best parents possible so that they could continue to be a family no matter what happened with their marriage.  Sometimes, this type of counseling eventually paves the way to healing the marriage.

Show Your Spouse That You Are Willing To Do Self Work:  Probably one of the biggest things that is keeping your spouse from coming back to you is the worry that you will one day cheat again.  I can not stress how incredibly painful it is to have the spouse that you love cheat on you.  And sometimes even if you still love your spouse and want to save your marriage, the fear of having to go through this again makes you hesitant.  So if you can work on yourself in order to understand why you cheated and in order to one hundred percent prevent it from happening again, then this will usually go a long way toward showing your spouse that you are committed to them and to your marriage and you are willing to do whatever is necessary to heal these things.

I can’t promise you that these things will work and will make your spouse take you back.  But frankly, helping your spouse to heal and pursuing your own healing is just the right thing to do and it is going to benefit you regardless of what happens with your marriage.  But it is my experience that showing your spouse that you are more interested in helping them recover regardless of what happens will often increase your chances of saving your marriage.

As I alluded to, my husband was very patient and he put my needs ahead of his own.  Sure, it was obvious that he wanted to save our marriage, but he was more concerned about me.  And this went a long way toward my taking him back.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who are wondering if their husband is lying when he claims to love them while carrying on an affair that he can not seem to let go of.  The wives often suspect him of lying and of being present only because he doesn’t want to pay for a divorce.

I heard from a wife who said: “when I caught my husband cheating, he begged me to stay.  He said he did not want a divorce and he could not stand to lose me.  I told him that I could not be married to a man who cheats.  But he made me promise to give him a month to make it up to me and then to make a decision as to whether I would stay or leave.  During that month, things really did improve. My husband was attentive and loving.  In many ways, we rediscovered one another.  So after that month, I agreed to stay.  Today, things are going relatively well for us.  I do believe that my husband loves me.  He tells me this all the time but he also shows me this with the way that he looks at me and with the way that he treats me when we are together.  However, a couple of days ago, I saw a text from the other woman.  She was reaching out to him.  I asked my husband about this and he finally admitted that she was still trying to contact him.  He admitted that he talks to her pretty regularly but says that nothing physical has or will happen.  I told him that he isn’t truthful about loving me if he continues to do this behind my back.  He disagrees and says that he can love me and still be struggling with this.  So what is true? Can a man love his wife and still carry on an affair?”

I am probably not the best person to whom to address this question.  I went through this recovery myself and I have to admit that one non negotiable aspect of trying to save my marriage was that there be no contact with the other person.  With that said, I do know that it is a very common issue.  The wife often thinks that he should not even have to think about this.  She feels that if he really loves her, it should be absolutely automatic that he is going to completely cut the other person out of his life.  She sees it as a very simple decision.  If he decides he wants this marriage, then he will end anything to do with the other woman or with the affair.

I tend to agree with this.  But I also admit that many husbands in this situation comment on my blog that it is just not quite as simple as that. Many insist that it is possible to love and be involved with two women.  They will often insist that they love their wife in a different way than they love the other woman. They will often tell you that they have no doubt that they will grow old with their wife and spend the rest of their life with her and yet they just can not let the other woman go at this very moment.

Or they will insist that it is the other woman who is pursuing them and now they are in a situation where they have to act in a way that makes them extremely uncomfortable or is going to hurt someone who they never wanted to hurt. I can understand how some of these defenses could be truthful and legitimate.  But, I still believe that if your wife and your marriage is as important that you claim, you will make the difficult decisions and do whatever is necessary to make this a priority.

How To Address This Situation:  Frankly, only the wife could decide if she was going to draw a line in the sand and demand that he end even the verbal communication immediately.  But my opinion is this.  Although he may love you and still be finding a way to continue on with the affair, you have a choice as to whether or not you are going to accept this.  If you allow him to continue this, then you also have to accept that you may not have a quick resolution.  This could go on for much longer than either of you want.

To avoid this, a suggested script might be something like: “I honestly do believe that you love me. I don’t question that.  But what I do question is your interpretation of that love.  A loving relationship typically does not include three people.  If you truly love me, then I would think that you wouldn’t want to hurt me.  And this is hurting me more than I can tell you.  I can’t participate in this relationship when there is someone else.  I can’t rebuild our marriage until I’m secure that I’m the only woman in it.  I am asking you to end this relationship and show your love for me by cutting off all ties.  I understand that she is the one reaching out to you, but you can ignore her or change your phone number.  I am asking you to make me your priority.  I am asking you to stop going behind my back.  And I believe that if you truly love me, then you will put me first regardless of your conflicting feelings.”

I know that this is a difficult situation.  But you deserve to come first.  And if he can’t do that right now, then it is up to you to put yourself first and focus on your own healing and on giving yourself what you need until he is also ready to do that.

As I alluded to, this wasn’t the biggest problem in our recovery, but we had plenty of issues to overcome.  We worked very hard and the effort was more than worth it.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are so frustrated because their husband seems to have blinders on when it comes to the other woman with whom he is having an affair.  Often, it is as if their husband has lost all of his common sense, at least where she is concerned.  Much of the time, the wife will try various things in an attempt to get her husband to see reality.  But as frustrating as it is, sometimes it seems as if the only real option is to wait.

I heard from a wife who said: “the bimbo that my husband is having an affair with is so clearly only in it for his money.  Why else would a young, uneducated, and social climbing young woman want him?  This woman is so gaudy and over the top, but my husband just doesn’t see it.  To my husband, she is the first woman who truly appreciates and understands him.  He doesn’t seem to notice that she only seems interested in what he can give her.  There is no doubt in my mind that if my husband cut off the money and the gifts, she would drop him immediately.  I have tried to explain this to my husband, but he doesn’t want to hear it.  When will he realize what kind of mistake he is making?  We have a beautiful family.  This is going to break my children’s hearts. I know that my husband is going to regret this one day.  But when?”

Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell this wife an exact date or time frame.  I find that many men who have affairs come to realize their mistake.  But sometimes, this takes a while. Often when he is so caught up in the excitement and the newness of the affair, he just can not see reality.  And frankly, he often doesn’t want to see reality because it is easier (and feels better) to remain blind, which leads me to my next point.

Understand That He Often Feels It’s In His Best Interest To Deny Reality:  I have to tell you that I believe that many men who cheat are running away from the pain of something. Often, they are trying to deny aging or facing their own mortality.  Many have suffered a personal or emotional loss.  They often cheat at times in their lives when they are struggling or are very vulnerable.

And often, the affair is a means of escape.  She might make him feel younger, more desirable, and more free.  So it’s no wonder that he wants to hold onto that, even if somewhere deep down in his heart, he knows that this is foolish.  But it feels so much better to not face reality.  So he will sometimes drag his feet as much as possible in this regard.

Sometimes, The Other Woman Ends Things And This Forces Him To Face Reality:  You may not realize  or believe this, but sometimes, the other woman will find another man or she will tire of the relationship.  And when she ends things, this will often force him to face reality.  Often, when he isn’t seeing her every day and he gains a little distance, he will come to realize that the only thing truly in it for her was the material gain.

Along that same line of thinking, sometimes the other woman’s motivations will become obvious.  Often, she will push for more and when he resists, then suddenly she will lose interest.  It’s often at that point where he can no longer deny that she wasn’t truly interested in him as a person. Once this realization hits, then it’s obvious that the affair was a mistake.

Often, He Realizes His Mistake Once The Novelty Wears Off Or Some Time After The Affair Is Found Out:  As I alluded to before, it’s often difficult to see reality when you are caught up in the excitement of the affair.  But this type of excitement will often burn out.  Things can only remain new for so long.  Sometimes, the excitement burns out after the affair is discovered.  There can be something very exciting about a forbidden secret but once every one knows about the secret, then the excitement can leave as well.  And once he’s no longer caught up in all of this, he is more apt to face the reality that this was a silly mistake.

Unfortunately, Your Telling Him What A Big Mistake He’s Making Often Isn’t The Answer:  I know that it can be very tempting to be brutally honest with him and tell him that he looks like an old fool who is being taken advantage of.  But you have to understand that self preservation is going to prevent him from listening. No one wants to hear or believe these things about themselves. And if anything, you might inspire him to get defensive and to list why you are so very wrong.  So as tempting as it is to lay out all of the cold, hard facts, I have to tell you that he often won’t believe you and this might even bring him closer to her as he tries to defend the relationship.

But to answer the question posed, the time that it takes for him to realize his mistake can vary.  Many men do develop the hindsight to see the affair clearly eventually.  But this may not happen as quickly as the wife might like.  I believe that the best thing that you can do in this situation is to conduct yourself with dignity and respect and to focus on yourself and your own healing.  There is no need to delay your progress while you are waiting for him.  He will come to his own conclusions eventually but there is no reason for you to delay getting what you need.

This is one reason that many men need to do some self work after an affair.  They need to deal with whatever fear or vulnerability made them cheat in the first place.  And in the meanwhile, it’s very important that you take the time for facilitate your own recovery.  If it helps, you can read about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from spouses who want to offer some sort of gift to indicate how sorry they are for cheating or for having an affair.  And yet, everything that they consider seems wrong. They want to get the perfect object that shows their sincerity in moving forward.  But they aren’t sure what is appropriate.

I heard from a husband who said: “I cheated on my wife and she found out.  Honestly, I was considering leaving my wife and being with the other woman.  But once my wife found out and I saw the pain that my actions caused her,  I changed my mind. Seeing her so vulnerable made me remember the woman I first fell in love with and I decided that I owed it to both of us to try to save our marriage.  Much to my shock, she agreed to give me that chance.  The fact that she is willing to take another chance on me humbles me.  I want to get her something to show her how grateful I am.  I asked one of her best friends what she might like and the friend told me that I am treading on thin ground because my wife is going to read too much into anything that I might chose.  Is she right?  I don’t know what to do at this point.”

What Your Spouse Really Wants: While I think it’s touching when a spouse wants to show their love for the other, I agreed with the friend that the wrong choice could make the situation worse.  I need to be honest right now.  As a spouse who has been cheated on, I can tell you that what your spouse wants isn’t jewelry or one more trinket.  What your spouse really wants is to have their marriage back.  They want to feel like they can trust you again.  They want reassurance that you still desire them and that you won’t cheat again.  They want to feel your genuine affection.  They want for you to do whatever you need to do in order to help them heal or to recover from this.  Frankly, these things would be more meaningful than any trinket could even be.

Make Sure That Any Gift Shows Your Spouse How Much You Understand And Appreciate Them: I do understand and respect that you want to make a gesture to show your spouse how important they are to you and how committed you are moving forward.  In that case, you need to give this serious consideration.  You don’t want to send the wrong idea.  You don’t want to just give them a “guilt gift” that you didn’t think very deeply about.  Many men will think that they will be covered if they just buy their wife expensive jewelry.  I suppose this works for some women, but many wives will assume that you think that you can just buy your way out of this and that is not the message that you want to send.

It’s my experience and opinion that you are going to be better off if you can find something that shows your spouse that you know her intimately and want to connect with her in that way again.  Perhaps you could find something that is a symbol of your early relationship.  Maybe you can find something that reminds your spouse of your honeymoon or a trip or a hobby that you two of share that is meaningful to you.  Frankly, this is going to be very individual for every woman. The gift should show her that you know what is important and meaningful to her because you listen to her and because you understand her.

I’ll share with you one of the most meaningful gifts my husband has ever given me.  Shortly after his infidelity, my mother became very ill.  I had to spend a great deal of time in hospitals and this was emotionally draining, although there is no where that I would rather have been because I wanted to support my mom.  My husband called my step father and asked him to relieve me for just a day or two.  When I arrived back home, my husband had put up a hammock in our back yard and had purchased a book that had been meaningful to us early in our marriage.  He meant for me to take some time to enjoy the book in the hammock. This gift wasn’t at all expensive.  But it showed that my husband really understood what would be restorative to me.  And he cleared his calendar so that we could share some time together in that place.  This meant more to me than any piece of jewelry ever could.

Obviously, what is meaningful to your wife is going to be different than is what meaningful to me.  But if you listen to your heart and discover what might mean something to your spouse, then that is a gesture that would probably be greatly appreciated.

As I alluded to, I was more interested in what my husband could offer to me on an emotional level than on a material level.  A gift can be a nice gesture, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the emotional work that can save your marriage.  If it helps, you’re more than welcome to read about our recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who honestly can’t find any fault with the way that their husband is acting toward them.  Typically, he is being very affectionate after his affair- almost overly so.  And this can make the wife doubt his sincerity and she can question her ability to trust his actions.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair about three months ago. Since I found out, my husband has fallen over himself trying to be accommodating and affectionate to me.  Honestly, at first I liked it.  But lately, I have started to question it.  Frankly, he has not been this loving to me in years.  It makes me think that he isn’t being genuine and it makes me question his motives.  I wonder if he is being this way just to make me put down my guard.  I wonder if he’s overcompensating because of his guilt or because he is cheating again.  In short, I’m very suspicious of his behavior.  But when I asked my friend about this, she said I was overreacting.  She said that his being overly loving is much better than him being cold and distant, which is what her husband did after he cheated.  Am I overreacting?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Know That It May Be Too Early To Access The Authenticity Of His Behavior:  What this wife was feeling was actually very common.  It’s normal to question your husband’s claims and his behaviors, especially when it comes to how he feels about you after he has been unfaithful.  After all, it was only three months ago that he was betraying you, going behind your back, and cheating.  So it can be hard to believe that suddenly, not so much later, he can suddenly be so in love with you and showing you the affection that you haven’t seen in years.  Of course you are going to question his motives when just a short time ago, his motives were less than honorable.

In Time, The Truth Usually Reveals Itself:  It might make you feel a little better if you know that very often, his true feelings become evident eventually.  Just for the sake of argument, let’s say that his showing this affection isn’t really genuine.  If this is the case, it’s highly unlikely that he is going to be able to keep it up forever.  If what he’s showing you aren’t his true feelings, then the cracks will show in time.  I know that it is frustrating to think that you will have to just bide your time and wait.  But in the meantime, you can focus on your own healing and on receiving more information as it comes.

Know That You Don’t Have To Make An Immediate Decision About This:  Many people feel as if they have to make a decision about their husband’s sincerity immediately.  Or, they feel as if they need to decide right away if they will save their marriage or give up.  There is no deadline for which to make a decision. There is nothing wrong with waiting and watching.  There is nothing wrong with taking in the information as it becomes available to you and then evaluating and making decisions as you go along.  You do not have to feel pressured to do any one thing. Take your time and make decisions as you feel certainty instead of doubt.

Know That Some Husbands Show Affection Because They Know That They Almost Lost You:  It’s normal to question your husband’s affection after infidelity.  But I can tell you that many husbands in this situation comment on my blog and tell me that suddenly they can not reassure their wife enough because it is now very clear that their foolish actions have now threatened what is the most important to them.  Yes, they are overcompensating.  But they are doing this because they have come face to face with the risk of losing you.  Understanding this risk can be very humbling and it can contribute to them wanting to let you know just how much you are loved and just how sorry they truly are.

That’s not to say that there aren’t husbands out there who are insincere and who are only showing affection to get themselves out of trouble or to get themselves in your good graces again.  But some husbands in this situation are very sincere and are showing you affection because that is the way that they truly feel.

So to answer the original concern, I don’t blame you for feeling some doubt.  I felt the same way.  But it turned out that my husband was sincere and he has shown my this over a very long period of time.  It can help to vow to just watch and wait.  Because most of the time, his true feelings and intentions become obvious over time. If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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