Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who very much want to save their marriage but who don’t know how much longer they are going to be able to tolerate feeling as if they need to compete with the other woman.  Often, the husband has promised that the relationship is over. And yet, for whatever reason,  their husband breaks his promises and goes back to the other woman more than once.  This can leave the wife asking why this keeps happening when the intentions seem to be good.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair with one of his old clients last year.  When I found out, he asked me to give him two weeks to make a decision.  I wasn’t happy about this, but I figured my choice was to either give him the time or to walk out on my marriage, which I didn’t want to do.  So after a few weeks, he came and told me that he would end it and work on our marriage.  However, it was very obvious that he was sad to be ending it.  He did what I asked him to do, but it was clear that his participation wasn’t completely enthusiastic.  About three months later, I picked up his phone and saw a text from her.  It turns out that he went back to her about a month after we tried to reconcile.   And, this has happened two additional times.  He will promise that he is done with her and then a few months down the road, I will find out that he isn’t.  At this point, I feel like I am almost done with this whole process. I just can’t deal with this anymore.  But when I told my husband this, he begged  for me to give him one last chance.  I told him that to even consider that, I needed to understand why he keeps going back to her.  I needed to understand what she has that is so desirable and impossible to get over.  His response to me was that he had no idea why he couldn’t seem to let her go.  Obviously, this isn’t the truth.  Why does he keep going back to her?  She’s not particularly beautiful or even interesting in my view.  I just don’t get it.”

It’s possible that this husband wasn’t being completely deceptive.  He may well have not understood his behavior himself.  Men often comment on my blog and say that they don’t know why they keep yo yoing between the other woman and the wife.  They have every intention of moving on and then they find themselves going back.  Why?  Well, there are various reasons that he might have trouble breaking away.  I will discuss them below.

He May Perceive That He Needs What She Has To Offer:  I probably sound like a broken record when I say once again that the attraction often isn’t to the woman herself.  It is to what he thinks the other woman offers.  For example, if she makes him feel young and then he breaks it off and starts to feel old and stagnant again, that attraction to wanting to feel young doesn’t just miraculously go away.  And if he doesn’t do anything to address this need, then he begins to feel like the only way that he will get some relief is to go back to her.

Yes, he may hate himself for it.  And he may tell you that he never intended to make that mistake twice.  But, whether he realizes it or not, whatever need she filled in the beginning has not yet been addressed, so he needs to keep repeating the relationship in order to continue to get that pay off.

They May Have Gotten Into A Destructive Cycle:  We’ve all known couples who break up and get back together multiple times.  And this happens not because they have some great chemistry or some awesome relationship.  It happens because over time, it has become a habit.  It’s almost a script that both people are playing over and over again because neither person is strong enough to be the one to stand up and break the cycle.

He May Not Think Your Marriage Has Been Healed Enough:  Many men confess that they had good intentions of going back to their wife but when they do so, they find that healing the marriage is either taking too much work or isn’t working out very well.  So, he will follow the path of the least resistance and figure that it’s just easier to go back to the other woman because she’s so desperate to get him back that she’s trying to present it as if there are no strings attached.  Of course, we all know that this isn’t really true, but that is often the way that she will try to present it.

In all of the above scenarios, you can hopefully see that self work is needed in order to move past these things.  Healing your marriage and breaking a destructive cycle are not things that happen easily or quickly.  They take work. They take commitment.  And sometimes, they take your being very clear on the fact that if it doesn’t end, you’re no longer going to take him back so easily each and every time.  He has to know that being indecisive and pulling every one is opposing directions isn’t healthy for any of you.

I know that this is a difficult situation.  But I would gently suggest that while you are waiting to see if he is going to sort it out, that you work on yourself.  You should not put your healing on hold just because he can’t seem to get it together.  Just for today, make yourself and your own healing your highest priority and allow him to do the same.  That way, when he does come a firm decision, you will be in the best position that you can, regardless of what he decides.  If it helps, you can read about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who aren’t sure how they should be acting after they have discovered their husband’s affair. Often, they take some time to determine what they ultimately want to happen. And when they decide that they might want to save their marriage, they still want to do it in such a way that their husband doesn’t get off too easily. Because they want for him to be remorseful and they want for him to have to sweat a little bit. But they don’t want to take it so far that it may push him away or damage a marriage that might already be struggling.

I heard from a wife who said: “although I’m so hurt and disappointment by my husband’s affair, I am not going to give up on him or on our marriage. However, I’m not sure that I want for him to know this. I have noticed that when I act indecisive, he goes out of his way to be accommodating and affectionate, but when I start talking about our future as though I’m confident we will be together, then he isn’t nearly as loving. I was discussing this with my friend and I’ve told her that I’m going to play hard to get. What I mean by this is that I’m going to make my husband wonder what I’m going to do. I don’t want for him to take it for granted that I’m going to give him a second chance. I want for him to think that he has to be on his best behavior and to try harder. And, I think that if he believes that I might leave, he will value me more. But my friend says that this is playing games and that it would be a mistake. I don’t see the problem. Who is right? Should I play hard to get after my husband’s affair?”

Both Of You May Wonder If He Will Be Able To Meet Your Expectations: Honestly, I think that it can be beneficial to spell out what type of rehabilitation you want to see from your husband and then withhold your trust and commitment until you see it.  And, your husband can certainly wonder if he is going to live up to your expectations.  However, I think it can be a mistake to “act” in a way that you don’t really feel or to give off the impression that you are going to do one thing when you are absolutely sure that you are going to do another.

The Future Can Be A Mystery To Both Parties Regardless Of What You Think Today: I know from experience that what you intend to happen and what actually does happen can be two different things. Feelings progress. New information can come into play and it’s perfectly natural to change your mind multiple times. So while you might think that you will save your marriage, it’s probably better to tell yourself that you will wait and see what happens. Because the truth is that you don’t know how well he is going to comply with your requests and you don’t know how either of you are going to feel in the days to come.

So I think that it is better for both of you if you are clear on what you want and need and then to keep things open ended after that. A suggested script might be something like this: “honestly, I don’t know what is going to happen in the future. But, for today, I need to know that you are truly sorry and that I am important enough to you that you are willing to make some serious changes. In order for me to trust you again someday, I will need for us to do some serious work on our marriage. This will probably happen gradually. But I need to see some effort from you to show me that you are serious about rehabilitation. I need for you to check in with me, to show me affection, and to go to counseling if that is what I decide that I want. And once we begin to see what type of progress these things bring, then we can go from there.”

I don’t think that this conversation means that you are playing hard to get. But it does mean that you are being very clear about the fact that you have expectations that need to be met before you can make any firm commitment. This is only fair. And no one can accuse you of playing games if you are just being honest.

I suppose some people think that I played hard to get after my husband’s affair.  But I was simply waiting to see if his actions would prove his sincerity.  And that process just took time.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who just aren’t buying their husband’s excuses with regards to his affair.  One common complaint is husbands having a lame excuse as to why the affair lasted as long as it did.  Many times, his excuse doesn’t even sound plausible.

I heard from a wife who said: “I found out two weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me with a woman who works at the grocery store where we shop. He initially tried to tell me that it only lasted for a couple of weeks, but I got a hold of his phone records and it obviously lasted for much longer than that.  In fact, it lasted for months. So when I confronted my husband about this and asked him why he would remain in a relationship that he claimed meant nothing to him, he said that he only stayed in the relationship because every time he tried to break it off, the other woman would tell him that she was going to tell me everything the next time that I was in the store.  So he remained in the relationship because he didn’t want for me to find out.  Is this even possible? Because this sounds like such a bogus excuse to me. And even if it’s true, if he wasn’t getting something out of the relationship, I can’t imagine him staying even if he knew I’d found out. ”

Actually, you might be surprised at how many cheating spouses never ever envision their spouse finding out about the affair.  Often, they are not thinking rationally and they are not really thinking about the future.  Many don’t intend to carry on the unfaithful relationship forever either.  So your finding out isn’t usually in their immediate thought process, as silly as that may sound.

Many Men Claim That The Other Woman Does Various Things To Hold Onto The Relationship: So the next question becomes would a reasonably rational man allow the other woman to essentially black mail him?  I have to admit that this isn’t the first time that I have heard of a situation like this. It’s not an uncommon excuse.  And I will admit that a number of men have made comments on my blog outlining how the other woman has tried a number of ploys to keep him from ending things.

Often, she will try a number of tactics like making him feel guilty, or trying to entice him to change his mind, or attempting to make him believe that she won’t make any demands of him.  When things like this don’t work and the husband still tries to end the relationship, it wouldn’t be unheard of for her to threaten to tell the wife.  However, common sense would tell you that if she does this, their relationship would most certainly change.  Because they would now both know that he’s not there because of his own free will, but that he is only there because of fear. And frankly, I would think that this would get old quite fast.  Who wants to continue on in a relationship for the long term when you know that he is only there because he is afraid of the consequences when he is not?

Know That The Truth Will Likely Surface At Some Point:  I think that the heart of this whole conflict was the wife’s desire to know how serious this relationship truly was.  Many wives would rather see a short fling than a long term relationship if they had a choice.  Because the longer the relationship, the more emotional or physical connection that this implies. But when the husband claims that the length of the affair should be negated because he was pressured into staying, then the wife has to evaluate if she’s going to buy this.

I know that it can feel as if you need to make a quick decision as to whether you are going to buy this or not.  But, frankly you can often wait and just accept that the jury might still be out.  Because quite honestly, over the course of trying to rebuild your marriage, you will often get a more clear picture of the truth, and this often comes a little bit at a time as your husband thinks you can tolerate the truth or as accuracy begins to slip out.

I know that you are inclined to worry about this and I completely understand that.  But it may help you to know that most of the time, the truth doesn’t stay hidden forever.  If what he is telling you is true, then you will likely see some evidence of the same at some point or he will keep that theme consistent.  If not, it will likely become apparent to you.

What Matters More Than The Nature Of Their Relationship:  I know that you feel as if you need the absolute truth because you need to know just how much she mattered to him.  But what you also need to understand is that often, he believes one thing when the affair is active only to change his mind once its not.  While things are exciting and he’s right in the middle of carrying this out, he may feel invested and his sense of excitement may actually feed this.

But once the affair is out in the open, it is almost as if a balloon deflates.  The build up is let down and the excitement wanes. And suddenly it may become clear to him that she wasn’t all that special after all.  This might be what your husband is dealing with now.  He may now realize how much of a mistake that this relationship was and now he is trying to do everything that he can to diminish it in both of your eyes.

Do I buy his claim that he only stayed with the other woman because of blackmail or a threat to expose the affair? Not really.  And if this were true, he didn’t have a lot of control during this entire process, but that is true of many men.  And frankly, it is very common for a man to say anything necessary to downplay the relationship, especially when he would rather it never occurred to begin with when he unfortunately can not take it back.

As frustrating as it is, sometimes you have to ask yourself if you want to dwell on a relationship that is over or if you want to ensure that it is over and then decide if you want to move on.  Because the truth is, people’s feelings and emotions often change dramatically during an affair. What he felt mere weeks ago may seem very foreign and shameful to him right now.

I know that it is probably hard to get perspective right now. But frankly, your healing should be your priority.  The facts will usually become clear with time.  But your healing is something that you have to consciously work on.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear with wives who feel that, no matter what their husband is claiming at the time, they are dealing with very serious infidelity within their marriage and, as a result, they are not sure that their marriage is going to survive.  Often, their husband is assuring them that, despite his conflicting feelings for someone else, he is going to do everything in his power to save the marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “for the past several months, I’ve noticed my husband becoming more and more involved with a female coworker.  Granted, they are required to work closely together because of their jobs. But they started going to lunch together, going to the gym together, and then talking a lot outside of work.  This bothered me from the very beginning, but at first it didn’t seem to impact our marriage so I just tried not to worry all that much about it. However, over the past several weeks, our marriage has definitely changed.  I finally told my husband that I didn’t want him spending any time with this woman outside of work.  He immediately resisted this and started making excuses.  So I realized that there was more to this and I asked my husband if he had feelings for this woman.  He admitted that he had strong romantic feeling and, with a little prodding from me, he finally admitted that he thought he was in love with her. But as soon as this admission came out of his mouth, he told me that our marriage was much more important to him. He says that what he wants most is to work on and save our marriage.  He promised that he would not have outside contact with her.  I’m happy that he was so quick to give her up, but another part of me is wondering how it’s going to possible to work on or save my marriage when my husband is in love with another woman.”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

This is a very delicate situation which was undoubtedly very painful to the wife. However, there were a few positives here.  Not only was the husband honest about what was truly happening, but he immediately agreed to prioritize the marriage.  This doesn’t always happen.  Often, the husband will claim that he needs some time or he will hesitate to make any commitments.  The fact that he immediately put his wife first was a good sign.  With that said, this situation was going to be difficult to overcome.  However, nothing is impossible.  But in order for this couple to be successful, I felt that a couple of things needed to happen.  I will discuss them below.

The Other Woman Truly Needs To Be Out Of The Picture: I understand that we live in a very difficult economy.  I know that most people can’t leave a job and immediately get another one.  And it probably wasn’t fair to expect this of the husband, especially since financial stress wasn’t something that this marriage needed.  However, I really can’t stress how hard it is to save a marriage when the other person is still in the picture.  I understand that the husband was still insisting that nothing physical had happened.  But he had also admitted that he was in love with this woman.  Intense feelings coupled with opportunity will often equal infidelity, even if no one intends for anything to happen.

Even if neither party plans or wants to cheat, who needs that kind of temptation or doubt?  It’s just not worth it if your priority is your marriage. So, at least in my opinion and experience, the other relationship must be completely ended and all contact has to cease.  This husband could ask for a transfer or he could start looking for another job while setting very firm boundaries with his current one.

Often, As You Rebuild Your Marriage, The Perceived Feelings For The Other Person Will Disappear Or Fade:  Many people ask me if its possible to save your marriage when your spouse is in love with someone else.  I do believe that it is for a couple of reasons.  First, I believe that often your spouse perceives that they are in love with the other person, when in fact what they really love is the aspect of escape that the other person offers.  It is actually what the person represents rather than the person themselves.

Also, often as a spouse turns away from  his marriage, he starts to get his needs met from the other person.  This means that, in a sense, he transfers his feelings from one person to another.  But, when you begin to restore your marriage and both of you put in the effort and attention, you will both start getting a pay off from your marriage.  As a result, there is a very good chance that the feelings which were projected onto the other person will return to where they belong – with your marriage and with your spouse.

In short, the feelings of love for the other person are often misplaced or misdirected.  And once that other person is out of the picture and you restore your marriage, this will often be obvious and your husband will realize that although he thought that he was in love at the time, this really wasn’t the case at all.

So to answer the question posed, I think that it is possible to save your marriage in this situation.  But both people have to be willing to do the work and the other person needs to be out of the picture.

I know that this might seem like an impossible situation, but just take things one day at a time.  Regardless of what happens with your marriage, you need to also prioritize yourself and your own healing.  Not only will this make you feel better, but it will often help your marriage as well.  If it helps, you can read more about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who aren’t sure if their marriage is going to survive their husband’s affair.  They don’t know how they are ever going to get over the betrayal, the pain, the doubt, and the lack of trust.

Often, a husband’s solution to this is to suggest that the couple just “start over” or “begin again with a clean, fresh slate.” And although this may sound somewhat tempting to the wife, when she really sits down and thinks about it, she typically realizes that this is probably easier said than actually done.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me for five weeks.  He says he desperately wants to save our marriage, but I am not so sure.  I worry that I am always going to doubt him now and I do not want to go through the rest of my life feeling like I can not trust him or that I need to look over my shoulder.  My husband says that I am over thinking this.  He says that I insist on finding every problematic issue  – almost as if I enjoy all of the conflict.  He says that we can just ‘start over’ and begin our marriage as if it just started.  That way, all of this can be left behind us.  Is that even possible?  I will tell you my take on this in the following article.

Why It Would Be Very Difficult To Literally Start Over:  I think that this is one of those things that is almost impossible to carry out because you just can’t control the thoughts that are going to pop into your head.  Unless you both have amnesia, how are you going to forget about the marriage that came before all of this?   And would you even want to?  Because eliminating the bad memories would also mean eliminating the good.  You can’t just pretend that none of this happened and I am not sure that it would be to your benefit anyway.  I will tell you why right now.

You Will Need To Fix What Is Wrong Instead Of Just Trying To Erase The Past:  People often really want to believe that the affair was just a one time thing that will never happen again.  I wish that this was always the case, but it just isn’t.  People often have issues and backgrounds that contribute to their inclination to cheat.  This is often why people repeat these actions even when they truly do not want to do so and have vowed not to. When the same set of circumstances present themselves, then it’s possible that the cheating will repeat also.  That’s why it’s so important that you do the work necessary to address what is wrong and to actually fix it.  This can not happen if you just try to erase everything and start over without any additional work or discussion.

The Idea Of Starting Over Often Only Benefits The Cheating Spouse In The Long Run:  Sometimes, the idea of starting over seems preferable to both spouses.  After all, dealing with this in painful.  Talking about it is awkward.  Sometimes, it feels as if it would just be much preferable to just let it go.  Why pick the scab off a wound that hurts so bad?  Because the truth is that the wound isn’t going to heal properly unless you talk about it and understand what went wrong so that you can truly fix it.  Because only then are you going to be able to restore the trust.  And the lack of trust is still going to be a huge issue even if you give the whole “let’s just start over” thing your best shot.

Why You Do Get To Start Again After You Heal:  I realize that I’ve just told you that starting over isn’t advisable.  But I do think that, in a sense, you get to begin again after you’ve done the work and healed.  You get to craft the marriage that you want because you have the gift of hind sight.  You can reject what wasn’t working and embrace what was.  You can take the new skills and insights that you have learned and apply them now.  Some people have told me (and I agree) that the marriage that they have now is in some ways better than the one that was present before the affair.

In some ways, you do get to start fresh because you’ve created a healthier reality.  And quite often, after you have gone through this type of trauma together, you do become closer and you learn things that you didn’t know.  As a result, this brings about more intimacy so that it does feel like beginning again.  But the reason it feels this way is because you’ve done the work.  Many people use starting over as a phrase that really means that they want to brush the affair under the rug.  I can’t advocate that, but I do encourage you to see your marriage as sort of a blank canvas meaning you get to shape it into what you want it to be.  But both people need to do the work in order to lay a new foundation.  The rewards make this difficult process worth it. At least that was the case for me.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are extremely upset that their unfaithful husband is trying to resume their sex life far too soon. Often, it’s not that the wife never wants to have sex with her husband again.  It’s just that the pain is very fresh and she wants to rebuild the emotional aspects of the marriage before she trusts the physical aspects of the marriage once again.

I heard from a wife who said: “it’s only been eight days since I found out about my husband’s affair.  Even though I am devastated and hurt, I’ve agreed not to kick my husband out until I decide what I really want to do.  I’m trying not to be outright hostile to him but of course I am very angry.  Last night,I agreed to let my husband take me out to dinner because our daughter wanted to go to her school’s restaurant night.  I have to admit that we had a good time. It felt good to laugh even if it was only for a minute.  That night, after we put our daughter to bed, we were still getting along reasonably well.  I didn’t feel any need to put an end to our good time, but my husband took it all the wrong way.  He kissed me and then started pawing at my clothes.  I was horrified.  I told him I was tired and that I was going to sleep in the other room.  I then sat there awake and wondering if I had given him the wrong impression and how I should have handled it.  I am definitely not ready to have sex with him. The thought of it actually could not turn me off more.  I would only think about him with the other woman. I don’t trust him right now. I am not even sure if I love him anymore. I have no intentions of having sex with him until I am satisfied that he is rehabilitated, but I’m not sure if I should spell this out for him.  Regardless of what I say though, I am very clear on the fact that I am nowhere near ready to have sex with him.”

I understood what this wife was feeling. It took quite a while before I was comfortable resuming our sex life after my husband’s affair.  I make no apologies for this.  I believe that it is the wife’s right to set the pace because she is the one who has been hurt by the husband’s behavior.  Frankly, sex is often the last thing that is fixed  because there are just so many emotions tied up in it.  Since by definition, infidelity occurs when a spouse has sex with someone else, it makes sense that sex is often one of the biggest issues when you are trying to rebuild. You have a right to set the pace.  I will tell you how to begin to set the boundaries below.

Don’t Let Fear Drive You To Do Something That You Are Not Ready To Do: I respected this wife for not just giving in.  Many wives will go ahead and fold because they worry that if they don’t resume sex with their husband, then he will find someone else.  While I completely understand this concern, it isn’t in your best interest to give into this type of worry.  If he is really committed to you, to your marriage, and to reconciliation, then he will wait.  And frankly, your setting boundaries actually sets the tone.  It tells him that you are not moving forward until you see rehabilitation.  And that alone gives him an incentive to be very serious about making this right.

Rushed Sex Isn’t Always The Best Sex: Also, frankly sometimes if you rush sex after an affair, the whole scenario is a disaster. It’s awkward, it’s not very sexy, and rather than feeling passion, you just feel anger, resentment, or resignation.  Both of you deserve more than this.  I believe that it is worth it to wait until the time is right and to wait until you feel the desire both emotionally and physically.

How To Broach This Topic: Obviously, you don’t want to give your husband the idea that you never want to have sex with him again or that, no matter what he does, you are going to close that door to him.  Instead, you want to be clear that you are just not ready right now, but if you are both successful in rebuilding your marriage, then you will be open at that time.

A suggested script might be something like: “do you have a minute?  Can we sit down and talk about the other night?  I just want to let you know that it was nice to go out as a family.  I enjoyed it very much.  And I don’t want to give you the wrong idea about how it ended.  I have to be honest and tell you that I’m not ready for sex right now.  I am still trying to process this and we are just beginning to heal our marriage.  I need to feel the trust and the emotional connection before I can resume our physical relationship.  I don’t know how long this is going to take.  But I can tell you that I am as motivated to make this happen as you are.  It will help if you are patient.  It will show me that rebuilding our marriage is more important to you than just falling into bed.  I hope you understand.  I am not saying that I’m never going to want to be intimate with you again.  I’m just saying that I’m not ready right at this moment.  And I suspect that the sooner we start to heal, the sooner we can resume our sex life.”

Many wives will feel guilty about having is conversation.  But there is no need for this.  You deserve to set the pace.  You deserve to decide when you are comfortable.  And since your husband put this whole thing into motion, he should understand this and have a little patience, although I know that this is difficult for some husbands.

As I alluded to, I waited until it was obvious that the time was right.  I had enough doubts about my marriage so I didn’t want to add sex to the list of issues.  It turned out that this was the right call, as sex is no longer an issue.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are struggling to come up with some sort of compromise after one of them cheated or had an affair.  Often, the faithful spouse wants to see some drastic concessions in order to begin to reestablish the trust.  But the cheating spouse can sometimes feel that they are being punished or that their privacy is being invaded.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me while at an out of town seminar.  I am extremely close to kicking him out of the house.  I don’t want to lose my marriage.  But he doesn’t seem willing to work with me.  I want to put a GPS on his car.  I want access to his phone.  I want to be able to check his social networking sites.  In short, I don’t want him to be able to hide anything from me.  And that means that I need to have open access to him.  I also need to be able to drop by his work anytime so that I know he’s not still carrying on with her.  But he says that none of this is going to work because I am acting like I am his mother and that is no way to run a marriage.  What are fair concessions for me to demand?”

Before I answer these questions, I have to tell you that I am in way objective about this.  I was a wife who was cheated on also, so my opinions will almost always somewhat favor the faithful spouse.  With that said, I think that most people can agree that a cheating spouse is going to need to make some concessions if he expects for his spouse to eventually want to trust him again.  So below, I’ll tell you what I believe are necessary (and fair) concessions.

No Contact With The Other Person:  I really think that this is non negotiable.  I see so many marriages struggle because the cheating spouse is still somehow connected to or in touch with the other person. Sometimes, they will tell their spouse that they need “closure” or sometimes they will insist that the relationship is no longer inappropriate, but neither of these excuses ring true for me.

I know that when it comes to work, sometimes you have to work closely with others, but I believe that the cheating spouse should make every effort to get a transfer so that they do not have to work with the other person.  Because honestly, you can’t expect for your spouse to want to trust you again if they know that you are still seeing the other person.  That is just too much to ask.  If you are going to ask your spouse to put aside their pain and try to save your marriage, then you need to do your part and cut off all contact with the other person.

No Putting Yourself In Situations That Would Be Potentially Risky:  This husband traveled on business quite a bit.  Needless to say, every time he traveled in the near future, the wife was going to worry if he was being faithful.  When a marriage becomes damaged by infidelity, sometimes it can not withstand risks like this one.  So, I would suggest that the wife go with him on business if it was at all possible or that he make a point of checking in enough so that the wife would know that he wasn’t doing anything inappropriate.

There are several known risks for infidelity. Business trips, bars, parties, and excessive work are among some of the more common.  If you have cheated on your spouse, then it only makes sense that you are going to avoid all of these types of risks so that your spouse doesn’t need to worry.

Allow Your Spouse To Check In Within Reason:  Frankly, I agree that your spouse should have temporary access to your personal accounts, if you have used the same to carry out cheating.  In other words, if this husband used social media to hook up with the other woman, then the wife should be able to check that for herself.  I know that it feels like an invasion of privacy.  I know that it is awkward for both parties.  But I believe that suspicions and doubt are worse for your marriage than this temporary invasion of privacy.  Once your marriage has recovered, the idea is that you will no longer need to do this.  But until the trust is restored, then you can’t blame your spouse for wanting this type of reassurance.

I would always encourage you to try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes.  If your spouse cheated on you on a business trip in a hotel, would you be happy to allow them to take another similar trip any time soon? Of course not. This is just common sense.  And yet, many people don’t see this when it comes to their own lives.  You have to understand that if you cheated on your spouse, then you yourself have given them a legitimate reason to want and need to make concessions.  Unfortunately, that has become necessary because of your mistake.  That doesn’t mean that the concessions will always be necessary.  But they are often necessary in the beginning and, if you truly want to save your marriage, it’s often in your best interest to agree to them.

I will admit that I required a lot of concessions from my husband in the time period right after his affair.  I felt that every one of them was necessary, but I no longer need them today.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who want and deserve answers about their spouse’s affair but who are meeting resistance about the same.  Often their spouse becomes angry or just refuse to talk about it.

I heard from a wife who said: “I found out about three weeks ago that my husband had an affair. He actually told me about it himself.  He sat me down and very matter of factly told me that he’d had a two month relationship with another woman, but he insisted that it was over now.  He said that he had told her not to contact me but he wasn’t certain if she was going to comply with this.  Needless to say, I’m devastated and I’m angry. But I also have my children to consider. Mostly because of them, I am motivated to save my marriage.  But I have a lot of questions.  I need to know all of the details. I need to know how he feels right now. I need to know if he’s sorry and remorseful or if he misses her.  I need to know if he feels guilty.  But every time I start to ask him any questions, he becomes angry. His response to me is to say that what’s done is done and that rehashing the past isn’t going to do any good. So I will wait a few days and then things will start bothering me again and so I will come at him again with more questions. And again, he responds with anger and refuses to talk about it.  I’m sure his whole aim is to shut my questions down.  But I don’t think that I can back off.  I need answers.  What can I do?”

As a wife who has been cheated on before, I certainly identified with this wife.  But as a rational person who knows what it takes to heal, I also very much agreed with her.  You can’t evaluate the situation if you don’t have answers.  You can’t begin to heal if you don’t know the full extent of the story. And if you allow your husband to intimidate you into silence, then resentment and distance is going to build so that your marriage is nothing but a shell.  So in the following article, I will offer some tips on how to deal with this.

Make It Clear That His Anger Isn’t Going To Dissuade You:  Often, the husband’s anger is mere posturing.  He figures if you get a negative response every time you try to obtain answers, then eventually you will give up and stop asking questions.

Sometimes, the anger is a cover for something else.  Sometimes the husband feels guilty and sad but he doesn’t want for his wife to know this because he doesn’t want to share this vulnerability because of his posturing.

It’s important that you address this and make it clear that this just isn’t going to acceptable.  You might say something like: “I can see that you are angry that I have questions to which I need answers.  My goal isn’t to make you angry.  It’s to get the information that I need to evaluate this and to eventually heal.  If the roles were reversed, you would certainly have questions and I would answer them.  Your anger isn’t going to keep me from continuing to ask. And if I don’t get answers, I don’t think that I will heal.  So we need to figure out a way that we can talk about this without the anger. Will you help me do that?”

Consider That He Might Do Better If He Had Someone Else Facilitating The Questions:  Sometimes, things are so volatile that the couple just aren’t able to handle this themselves.  That’s when a neutral third party can help.  A counselor, a pastor, or a trusted friend can be the person asking the questions while the wife is present.  Better yet, if this person is someone who the husband respects, he will often have an easier time answering the questions if they are coming from someone else.

And if you can set it up so that you both commit to a regular time where you go and discuss the affair and share information, this will often help with the tension.  Because you will know that at one regular time, you will get the answers that you want.  As a result, you are much less likely to feel the need to repeatedly ask the questions except for the agreed upon time.  And your husband will like let go some of the anger because he knows that he won’t be dealing with this on a daily basis.

But to answer the concern posed, anger is not a valid reason to not share or obtain information because in order to have any chance of healing and of saving your marriage in a legitimate way, you need to understand why the affair happened so that you can place safeguards in place.  You need to know where the marriage needs to be fixed.  And you need to hear his feelings so that you aren’t assuming that he is cold, uncaring, and unaffected.  And you can’t do any of these things until your questions are answered and your concerns are addressed.

My husband also postured in the early stages of our healing.  But I made it very clear that we weren’t even beginning to move forward until he dropped this stance.  He did and things improved.  Eventually, we did save our marriage and today, it the best that it has ever been.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who aren’t sure what their spouse means  by demanding that they “take responsibility for cheating.”  Because often, the cheating spouse feels that they have done just that, but the faithful spouse still doesn’t seem to be satisfied or happy with them.  So they are often looking for a literal interpretation of this phrase so that they can change their behaviors in order to at least make some headway with their spouse.

I heard from a husband who said: “I made the huge mistake of cheating on my wife with a friend’s sister.  It was honestly just a fling.  She was home to visit family and since she lives hundreds of miles away, neither of us thought that it was going to be a lasting thing.  Well, my friend felt so betrayed that he actually told my wife.  And my wife nearly divorced me over this.  For months, I begged my wife to give me another chance.  After a couple of months, she finally agreed to start seeing me again on a regular basis with the plan of just seeing what happened between us.  In my own mind, things are going well. I feel the old spark again and we would often laugh and have a good time together.  Last weekend, I asked if I could move back home again and my wife said that she didn’t think so because she ‘doesn’t feel like I’m taking full responsibility for cheating.’  What does this even mean?  I said I was sorry.  I’ve promised not to do it again.  I’ve been wooing her once again and she knows that I have remorse.  What more am I supposed to do?”

This is a very common concern.  Often, the faithful spouse wants to see more than the cheating spouse is offering.  And usually, the cheating spouse feels as if they are trying to hit a moving target.  They are often more than willing to give their spouse what he or she wants, if only they understood what that really was.  So, in the following article, I’ll tell you what “taking responsibility for cheating” really means from the perspective of the faithful spouse.

Your Spouse Doesn’t Want Any Easy Resolutions Or Any Easy Excuses:  Here is something that you need to understand.  It’s very likely that your spouse is going through a great deal of pain.  Even worse, your spouse didn’t do anything wrong.  They were probably going along with their daily routine thinking that their life was normal when all of sudden, they find out that their marriage (and their spouse) isn’t at all what they assumed.

Just for a second, imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed. This is a betrayal and a pain that is very hard to describe.  So it’s natural and normal to want to protect yourself from ever having to feel this sort of pain again.  So in order for you to even think about putting your trust into the person who has betrayed you, first you want to know without any doubt that your spouse is truly sorry, remorseful, and introspective about what has happened.

You don’t want to hear excuses because excuses mean that the next time the same set of circumstances present themselves, your spouse might cheat again.  You don’t want to hear your spouse defend themselves with some sort of silly extenuating circumstances.  Instead, you want them to stand up, admit that they were absolutely wrong, and proclaim that this whole thing was completely their fault.  Not only that, but they know that the responsibility for getting you out of this mess lies with them.

They Want For You To Understand What Brought You Here.  And They Want You To Have A Plan To Heal:  Your faithful spouse wants to know that you understand why you cheated.  And the reason for this is that they want to know that because you understand where you went wrong, you have the ability to fix the problem so that this won’t happen again.  They want you to say something like: “I now realize that I have self esteem issues and I’m going to see someone to deal with this.  I’m going to remove this problem so that neither of us has to worry about this cropping up in our marriage again.  I’d be more than happy to set up someone for you to talk to if you are comfortable with that.”

Your spouse doesn’t want to take the initiative.  They want for you to take the initiative because you are the one who set this whole thing in motion.

They Expect For You To Understand Their Suspicions And Doubts And To Be Ready To Address Those:  I find that the issue of accountability is one that seems to crop up over and over again.  Often, the faithful spouse wants to the cheating spouse to check in, or to be transparent, and to be very open about where they are and who they are with.  Sometimes, the cheating spouse feels that this is an invasion of privacy and they will resist this.

But I would argue that being transparent and accountable is part of taking responsibility for your actions.  Admittedly, it’s probably not healthy to spend the rest of your life under the microscope in this way. But until you restore the trust, this is just something that you will often need to do in order to show your spouse that you are willing to do what it takes to restore your marriage.

I will admit that I would not have given my husband another chance if I didn’t believe that he truly took responsibility for the affair.  It took me a while to believe in his sincerity, but it made all of the difference.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are upset because they are struggling to save their marriage after an affair and their last hope seems to be waning.  They knew that saving their marriage was going to be a challenge, but they hoped that if they were successful at convincing their spouse to go to counseling, this would help them to turn the corner.  And, it’s often almost devastating when this doesn’t turn out to be the case.

I heard from a wife who said: “I had an affair about two years ago.  It lasted for six months.  It was the biggest mistake that I have ever made in my entire life and I deeply regret it.   I’ve done everything that I know to do in order to help my husband get past this.  I have tried being patient and loving.  I have tried giving him tough love.  I have tried giving him time.  I have tried giving him support.  Nothing has helped.  I called my insurance company and got a referral to a counselor.  I begged my husband to go because I told him it was obvious that he was still hurting and that our marriage was still struggling.  He resisted for a long time, but he finally gave in, although it’s very obvious that he’s not happy about this.  We’ve been to four sessions so far and each time is worst than the last.  My husband comes home angry, sullen, and distant. I made the counselor aware of his reactions at home and she said that she would try different tactics.  She said that I shouldn’t expect miracles so soon.  Well, I didn’t expect miracles but I didn’t expect him to regress.  Honestly, it’s almost like digging up the painful past each time we go. If we make any progress during the week, it seems that we negate this when we have to continue to talk about things that are so painful.  It’s like it brings up his anger all over again.  I don’t know what to do.  I felt like counseling was our last hope and now that’s a bust too.”

I could identify with this wife because both my husband and I had our own issues with counseling.  However, I don’t think that you should let anyone else’s experience or opinion stop you from doing what you feel and hope is right.  And four sessions might not be enough time to give it a fair evaluation.  So in the following article, I’ll offer some tips to make sure that you are both getting something positive out of counseling or, if you are not, how to begin to turn the corner.

Understand That Things Might Get Worse Before They Get Better:   In order for you to begin to heal from something, you must first acknowledge and examine it.  You can’t tip toe around it or be afraid to speak it’s name if you are really serious about banishing it from your life or from your relationship.  And this can feel very frustrating and even like a regression when some time has passed since the affair was over.  And yes, it can feel as if you are ripping the scab off a wound.  But perhaps what you may not realize is that the scab hasn’t healed correctly.  So it’s better to start over and do it right than to continue to limp along with a wound that is an essence still not quite right.

It can help to ask your counselor to vary your sessions.  Perhaps if one session focuses on the past, the next should focus on the positive future.  Frankly, I am no expert and I am by no means a mental health professional so take my opinion for exactly what it is, but I believe that the counselor should always try to end the session on a positive note or at least leave you with positive homework.  You don’t want to come to dread these sessions or feel as if you aren’t getting anything out of them.  Because once this happens, one person might start trying to get out of going.  Or worse, one or both of you will take this frustration to mean that this is an indication that your marriage can’t be saved.

Try To Figure Out What Is Behind Your Spouse’s Regression:  Frankly, often what is making your spouse so upset is the very thing that you must identify and fix.  This can be difficult to admit.  Because it would be so much easier to just stop this process and allow your spouse back into their comfort zone so that you don’t have to face this conflict and feel like you are regressing.  But if you do give up, you are likely going to go right back to where you were struggling before.  Watch and listen to your spouse for any clues as to what might be the underlying issue.  Often, it is that the counseling brings back up those memories of betrayal. The faithful spouse often feels as if they are having to live through this betrayal all over again and that makes them feel like a victim once more.  It can help to give them a sense of control.   Make it clear that you are the one who is in the wrong and that you too are going through this all over again (even though it’s painful for you also) because of your love for them and because you truly want a healthy marriage again because you love them.

Ask them open ended questions.  Ask what you can do to make them feel more in control.  Ask what you can give them to relieve some of the pain.  Ask what they would like most from you right now.  They may not answer openly at first.  But make it clear that you are willing to hear them and support them whenever they are ready to talk.

If You Don’t Like Your Counselor Or Their Strategies, Find A New One:  There is absolutely nothing that says you have to stick with the first person that you see.  Just like it can take a while to find the right fit with a baby sitter, stylist, or any other professional that requires trust in order to have success, it can be worth it to keep looking until you find the counselor that you both like.  That doesn’t mean that you should stop counseling and then go on a long and exhaustive search.  But different people have different beliefs, philosophies, and exercises.  What works wonderfully for one couple might be awful for another.  Don’t be shy about asking about the counselor’s methods before you book an appointment.

Above All, Don’t Let This Discourage You Enough To Quit:  So many people will get very frustrated, feel very vulnerable, quit, and go right back to their comfort zones.  The problem with this is that they remain stuck in marriage that is only treading water.  So even if your spouse becomes very discouraged and refuses to go back to counseling, don’t get angry, throw up your hands and give up.  Find another counselor or find some self help resources that the two of your can do at home perhaps where you are more comfortable.  But do not quit.  Do not give up.  Keep trying to move past this.  You don’t have to be pushy about it or push your spouse too far, but you do need to gently try to provide both of you with what you need to move past this for good.  Because if you’re still struggling two years later, you’re both still hurting and neither of you deserve that.

As I alluded to, counseling didn’t go so well for us at first, but I was able to find a few things that did work a little better.  Most importantly, I didn’t give up.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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