Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who feel that they need to change in order for their husband to remain faithful.  This always concerns me because often the reasons that men cheat have nothing to do with their attraction to their wife.  Instead of it being about what is wrong with their wives, it is about what is wrong with them.

I heard from a wife who said: “I just found out that my husband has had another affair. This is the third time that he has cheated on me. The other women are always young, flashy, thin, and heavily made up. In other words, they are everything that I am not.  I am a pretty simple person and I dress in basic clothes and keep my make up natural because this is how I feel the most comfortable.  I am not as thin as I used to be but I am certainly not fat.  Still, one of the reasons my husband gives for cheating is that he is no longer attracted to me as much as he once was.  So I suppose that it is obvious that I need to make a change. How can I make him attracted to me so that he stops cheating with these other women?”

I felt deeply for this women, and her words brought about many concerns.  Because it seemed that she felt that she needed to change who she was already comfortable being for someone who had already betrayed her multiple times.  I firmly believe that you should not have to change the core of who you are for someone else and expect for that to turn out well.

Sure, you can make some positive changes to your appearance, to your marriage, or to how you relate to your husband, but changing yourself implies that there is something wrong with you when you aren’t the one who has done anything wrong.  I will discuss this more below.

His Infidelity May Not Change Until He Fixes Himself:  Many wives believe that if they fix themselves, they can fix their husband’s infidelity.  Unfortunately, it just often doesn’t work that way.  And the reason is that the infidelity isn’t happening because of what is wrong with the wife.  If it happening because of what is wrong with the husband.  It may be that he has low self esteem, poor impulse control, or little respect for his wife or his marriage.  He may need someone else in order to feel better about himself or about his place in the world.

Whatever the reason that he continues to cheat, he isn’t guaranteed to stop until he works on himself or rehabilitates himself in some way.  That’s the great irony of situations like this.  The wife is willing to make a change.  But it is often not her that requires it.

Making Changes That Would Raise Your Self Esteem Or Inspire You To Approach Him About Rehabilitation Are Worthwhile: This wife actually seemed relatively comfortable with herself.  But all of us usually have little issues that bother us and chip away at our self esteem.  Perhaps it is our clothing, something that has always bugged us about the way that we look, or how we present ourselves to the world.  You should feel free to change whatever it is that bothers you, but you should not feel compelled to change what you perceive bothers him.

Changing things that bother you will often raise your self esteem and will therefore give you the confidence to demand improvement in other areas of your life.  For example, it always bothered me that my husband earned all of the money.  I was proud to be able to stay home with the kids but it bothered me that I didn’t have an equal say.  So I eventually addressed this and I am no longer dependent on my husband in this way.  This small change gave me the insights to realize that I had every right to tell my husband what I wanted and needed from him.  I only have one life and one marriage and it just doesn’t make sense to settle for less than I want. This change made him respect me more and it has changed the dynamics of our marriage in a good way.

So I would encourage you to address whatever bothers you because chances are, these changes might bring about other positive changes in your life. But to answer the question posed, I believe it makes sense to do what you need to do so that you believe that you are making the most of what you have.  But I also believe it’s a mistake to think that you have to change who you are.  Because frankly, he’s not cheating because of what is wrong with you.  He’s cheating because of what is lacking within him.  If making some changes gives you the courage to seek out this type of rehabilitation and change, then it is worth it.

I had the same sorts of thoughts after my husband’s affair.  But after a lot of self work, I decided that I was just going to focus on what made me happy and let my husband worry about the rest.  Doing what made me feel attractive was worthwhile, but I’m glad I didn’t change the things that I did like for him.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who feel as if they don’t have any one with whom they can be completely honest about their marriage and the recent infidelity that has threatened it.

Sometimes, this concern comes from the faithful spouse.  You’ll often hear comments like: “I really wish I had someone to talk to about my husband’s affair.  But I don’t want to tell my family or my friends because I know that they would think less of my husband and they would think less of me because I may just stay with him.  I feel like I just have to keep this inside of me and guard this awful secret.”

Other times, you will hear these kinds of concerns from the cheating spouse.  Common comments are things like: “I feel horrible guilt about cheating on my wife.  I would do anything to make this right again.  I am so sorry for my behavior.  I wish I could talk to someone about this.  I’d love to hear some insights about what might have been behind my stupid behavior.  I can’t talk to my wife about this because it will hurt her.  I can’t talk about any of my friends about this because I don’t want people to know how much of a jerk I was.  I don’t even feel comfortable telling my pastor about this because I feel like my wife wouldn’t like him knowing about our marriage.  I guess I will just have to have conversations in my own head.”

I firmly believe that it’s very important to have an outlet for this.  But I also know first hand that you have to be very careful about who you share this with.  All of the above concerns are extremely valid.  If you tell mutual friends, family members, or acquaintances, then you run the risk that these people will make judgements or will continue to ask about or bring up the affair long after you want to let it go.

Plus, hearing other people’s judgements and assessments of you, your spouse or your marriage can be very hurtful.  This can affect those close relationships that you really need right now in order to lean on for support. So below, I will offer some alternatives that might help.

Consider Talking To A Third Party Professional:  I know that some people might roll their eyes or groan at this suggestion.  Because a counselor, marriage, or mental health professional is usually the first consideration that is often rejected.  I know that the idea of going to see a stranger and unload about your marriage might feel odd, but think about it this way.  A professional has no preconceived notions about you, your marriage or your spouse.  They have no investment about the outcome.  They just want to help you sort out the issues and heal.  And,  when you are at the end of the process, you don’t have to worry that any thing that you tell them will come back to haunt or you.

Consider Talking To A Friend That Doesn’t Know Your Spouse Or Who Has No Interest In Your Marriage:  Sometimes, you have a friend or a coworker that you only know casually or outside of your personal life.  In other words, this is someone who you never have to worry about coming over to your house and facing or judging your spouse.  This is often a coworker because many people are able to keep their work and their professional lives separate.  But sometimes this might be someone that you get to know at the gym or on the train that you are comfortable enough approaching.

Consider Talking To The Blank Page: Many people resist writing in a journal because they are afraid that their spouse is going to read what they have written or they are a little embarrassed to put their feelings on paper when their teenage years are behind them.  But, I strongly suspect that if you try this for at least a week, you will be glad that you did.

Frankly, I journal on a small word processor that has a password feature.  That way, I never had to worry about anyone reading what I have written.  Or, you can use a computer and delete the entries if this makes you feel  better.  Another idea is that you can get a journal with a lock or you can rip out the pages as you finish.  Whatever it takes to make you feel free to release your feelings is worth the effort.

People will often tell me that they have no idea what to write about.  If you need a little nudge, there are a couple of things that you can try.  I would often read self help books about infidelity and then I would write out my reaction. I would write about why I thought the author was right or wrong. And then I would go on about my own personal situation and feelings.

Or, you can use open ended phrases like: “today my most persuavie feeling or thought is _____ and here is why.”  You can try free association and you can write the first thing that comes into your mind.  You can look at photos in magazines and write about what feelings those evoke in you. Or you can set the timer for five minutes and just start writing and see what presents itself.

However you get the words out, it’s important that you do. Keeping your feelings inside will often keep you stuck.  Once you release the feelings, they often lose their power and you can begin to work through them.  But please talk to someone or something.  You don’t want to keep your feelings trapped inside of you.  They need to be released so you can begin to heal.

Once I realized that talking to mutual friends or family members was a mistake because of the judgments that this brought about, I eventually started journaling.  And even after my marriage has healed and the affair is long behind us, I still journal to this day.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are having a very hard time formulating a plan after their husband has cheated or had an affair.  Often, their first inclination is to leave and turn their back on their husband and on their marriage.  But, often, this feels very abrupt and not quite right.  You are often thinking about others instead of just yourself.  Often, you have a family and your husband to also consider.  And so you are left wondering if its best to try to save or rebuild your marriage or if it would be easier or would make more sense to just walk away.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had a three month affair with one of our mutual friends.  His betrayal hurts enough but I’m doubly wounded because I trusted and liked this woman.  My husband says that he is willing to rebuild our marriage.  But he also says that if I am honest with myself, I have to admit that our marriage has only been a cold shell for the last several years.  He says that if we have any chance of making things work, we’re going to have to make some drastic changes.  I am sure that he means that the physical part of our relationship has deteriorated and I’m a bit angry that he would start out saying that I am the one who needs to make changes.  If I’m being honest, I have to admit that he is right about some things but I really don’t want to hear it right now.  He needs to give me more time.  Part of me just wants to pack my bags, leave, and allow them to have each other since they are both cheaters and liars.  But another part of me knows that I have put a lot of work in this marriage and that it might a waste to just turn my back without trying to make things work first.  But my feelings and wishes are constantly changing.  I have no idea if I really want to rebuild.  How do I know for sure?”

What this wife was feeling was absolutely normal and understandable. I honestly changed my mind multiple times per day when I was in this situation.  You have a lot to process and you shouldn’t be expected to make quick or sudden decisions.  With that said, when you are ready, there are some questions that you can ask yourself to help you come to a sound decision.  I will discuss this more below.

You Don’t Have To Make A Decision Within Any time Frame: I know that things can feel very immediate right now.  And sometimes, your spouse pressures you to make a decision because your doing so is going to take some pressure off of him.  But, nothing says you have to give into this.  You have been given a lot to consider.  And in the beginning, your feelings and your thoughts are all over the place.  It can take quite a bit of time before you have thoughts and inclinations that you can actually trust to be accurate.  And, sometimes, you just don’t yet have all of the information that you need in order to make some sound decisions.

So there is nothing wrong with having a conversation like: “I know that we would need to make some changes in our marriage if we were to rebuild.  But right now, I don’t want to think that far ahead.  I can only take things day by day.  Right now, I am just taking my time processing this and trying to evaluate my feelings.  If I come to any firm conclusions, I will share them with you.  In the meantime, I just want to take things as they come.  Can you have a little patience while I do this?’

Some Questions That You Might Want To Consider When You Are Ready: There is no reason for you to evaluate this until you are ready.  Give yourself time until it becomes obvious that you now want to make some firm decisions.  When that time comes, it can help to ask yourself how fulfilling and healthy your marriage was in the time before the affair.  Was your husband a good spouse until his mistake?  Did being married to him make you a happier, better, or more complete person?  Was he a person whom you admired, loved, and respected? Are both you and your spouse willing to work hard and make whatever changes necessary?  Are you willing to seek help if you need it?  And you willing to have patience as you go through this process?  Are you willing to one day start over and trust again? Is your husband willing to be rehabilitated?

These are just a few questions that you may want to consider.  However, I’d also like to make it clear that you don’t need to answer these all at once.  Also, if the answer is no to any of these questions, that doesn’t mean that you should give up.  It just means that you have a little more work to do.  Resist any urge to give up when things get difficult.  This is not an easy process.  Some days things may feel hopeless, but better days might be right around the corner.  I suppose the real question is whether or not you think the marriage before the affair is worth fighting for, if you want to cultivate a new and better marriage or if you just thinks its best to end the relationship.

And nothing says that you need to come to a firm and final decision initially.  You can always tell your husband that you are willing to try to take it one step at a time and see what happens.  I certainly wasn’t sure that we were going to make it when I decided to just see what happened.  We really struggled at first, but then we committed to seeing it through no matter what.  I have never regretted this decision and my marriage is better in many ways.  But this is a very individual decision.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are extremely confused as to what their husband could possibly see in the other woman.  They often have sought out this woman and taken a good long stare at her.  They’ve tried to view her from different angles or perspectives and they are still coming up empty.  Try as they might, they just can’t see the attraction.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair with a coworker.  I sort of know this other woman from company picnics and from coming by the office and I just do not understand. She is older.  She is a bit overweight.  She’s not that bright.  I certainly would not call her pretty.  I can not imagine what attracted my husband to her.  Not to brag about myself, but I am young, cute, intelligent, and I earn a good living.  This woman is dumpy, dull, and in a supportive work role.  What could he possibly see in her?  What is the attraction?”

This is an extremely common concern.  I so often hear from wives who describe the other woman as someone who is often the opposite of what their husband supposedly finds attractive.  In other words, she’s often very different from the wife.  But more than that, she sometimes possess the attributes that would not be considered attractive by the husband.  Below, I will tell you where the attraction might lie.

Above Everything Else, He Is Often Attracted To Her Because She Makes Him Feel Better Or Elevated In Some Way: Please forgive me if what I am about to say or imply sounds unkind.  But I am still going to say it because I believe that it is necessary to understand this.

Often, the root of the attraction is not the way that the other woman looks.  It is not even about the sex.  It is because for some reason, she makes him feel better about himself.  People often just do not understand why a man with a beautiful, sexy wife would cheat on that same wife with a woman who few would see as sexy or beautiful.

Here is why.  The husband is somewhat intimidated by his beautiful wife and, deep down, he feels unworthy of her.  Deep down, he worries that at some point, she may figure all of this out.  This process makes him doubt himself.  And it makes him insecure.  He doesn’t like feeling this way because he feels somewhat powerless.

And then along comes this person who clearly admires him and makes him feel a little more powerful.  She’s not as beautiful and that makes him feel a little more handsome in comparison.  He doesn’t have to worry that he’s not worthy of her.  And when she so clearly thinks that he’s wonderful and can do no wrong, he suddenly feels a little bit better about himself, at least for a little while.

Is this fair?  Absolutely not.  Does it make total sense?  No, it doesn’t.  But it is what many men will tell you when they are being really honest.  And it’s why the tabloids are full of tales of men who have the most beautiful women in the world but who are still caught in seedy parts of town with women who might surprise you.

It has nothing to do with his beautiful or accomplished wife.  It has nothing to do with her flaws, but it has everything to do with his, although he may not admit this or even understand or realize it.

He May Believe That She Offers Something That Is Lacking In His Life:  Many men will cling to or be attracted to the other woman not because of what she possesses but because of what she represents.  He may think that his life is boring and predictable and he may suddenly see her as a free spirit.  He may think that he never takes any risks and suddenly he’s attracted to a risk taker.  Maybe he loathes that he’s becoming older and settling down a bit too much and suddenly he will be attracted to a younger woman.

In short, whatever a man feels is lacking within himself or in his life at the time is exactly what leaves him vulnerable to that in someone else.  The man who worries that he always plays it safe is suddenly attracted to a woman who he perceives as a bad girl or has someone who lives on the edge of regular society.

The examples are really endless.  But the point that I hope you understand is that it really doesn’t have anything to do with the other woman.  Instead, it has everything to do with what he perceives that he is lacking and what he perceives that she has.  It’s nothing that you did wrong.  It might not have anything to do with your marriage.  Men in happy marriages have affairs at vulnerable times in their lives.

Vulnerability Is Key: And that is usually where the attraction lies.  She was present and available at a vulnerable time in his life when he displayed his worst judgement and character.  I know that she would love to think that there is something special and unique about her or about their chemistry. And it can seem that way at the time, but often, in retrospect, this is just justification that they will give themselves at the time.

So please understand that it is often not her physical attributes or any real connection between them.  It is usually that she makes him feel some relief at a vulnerable time in his life for a variety of possible reasons. 

It’s perfectly normal to wonder about the other woman.  But be careful that you are not fixating on her or giving her more power than she deserves.   Your real focus should be on yourself first.  I had to learn this lesson in order to heal after my own husband’s affair.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are broken hearted not just because their husband has been having an affair, but also because he can’t or won’t come to a decision as to whether he wants to end that same affair.  This can feel like a double betrayal especially when you are still very strongly invested in your marriage.  Many wives want to know how they can change his mind without stooping to manipulation.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband told me last week that he has been having an affair for about three months with one of his clients. I assumed that he would stop representing her and would also break it off.  He did stop representing her (or so he claims) but he has been honest and has told me that he isn’t sure if he can break it off.  He says that she has become very attached and dependent on him and that he had developed feelings for her.  Well, I am dependent upon him too because I am his wife.  This is not acceptable.  He can’t carry on with someone else.  But when I tell him this, he says that he would understand if I wanted to move out or take a break but that he can’t promise me that he’s going to end it immediately, although he can promise me that he doesn’t want to lose our marriage.  So where does this leave me?  I want him to end it.  I can’t stand knowing that he’s going to work and that he might see her.   I told my best friend that I was going to give him an ultimatum and basically give him no choice.  I told her that I was considering telling him that he could stay with her and I would take him for every cent he has and I would make sure that every one knows that he is a cheater.  But my friend said this is a mistake.  She said that this will make him angry at me and ensure that he falls right into her arms.  I know in my heart she’s probably right, but I don’t know what else to do. How do I make him break it off without forcing him to?”

My heart broke for this wife.  This situation was so unfair to her.  And although I agree that ultimatums rarely work and usually leave both people feeling angry, I do believe that there’s a way to nudge him to end it while allowing him the knowledge that it was always his decision.  I will discuss this more below.

Why He Needs To Make Up His Own Mind About Ending The Affair: Before I go on and tell you how I’d go about nudging him in the right direction, I first want to stress how important it is that he believes that he has a choice.  If he feels forced or pressured to break it off, you run a real risk of him building her up in his own mind as the one who got away.  Not only that, but people tend to view forbidden things or things that are just outside of their reach as more valuable.

So there is a chance that if he thinks that you are keeping him from having what he wants, then he will want her even more and want you even less.  I hate to put it that bluntly but I want you to realize that if he feels forced, he might reluctantly stay, but his mind will be somewhere else and you will both feel this void.  That’s no way to rebuild your marriage.

Allowing Him The Choice But Nudging Him In The Direction You Want Him To Go:  As I said before, I don’t believe ultimatums work well.  However, there is nothing wrong with directly telling him how you feel and stressing what you are unwilling to tolerate.  So your response might be something like: “I’m disappointed that you won’t break it off, but I can’t control what you feel or do.  I can however control my own feelings and I can tell you that I can’t participate in our marriage when I know that you are breaking our vows.  I know you said that you would understand if I moved out but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to leave our home.  I will move out of the bedroom and stay in the spare room until you decide what you want to do.”

The idea is that you don’t give him the benefit of your marriage when he hasn’t committed to that same marriage.  And then you conduct yourself with dignity.  No insults.  Just disappointment.  It’s fine to let him know that you wish it were different.  It’s fine to express your anger.  But you don’t want to lay it on so thickly that he has to leave to avoid this.  Because if he does, you are almost giving her exactly what she’s been hoping for.

Know That Time Will Often Do The Work For You:  I know that it’s very hard to have faith in this,  but the odds are on your side.  A relationship that started with this kind of deception does not have much of a chance.  And now that the affair is out in the open, it might start to lose it’s excitement.  Often, while you are focusing on yourself and conducting yourself with dignity, she is starting to make more demands of him.  And suddenly that relationship that seemed so easy now has become so hard.

It’s usually at that time when he starts to realize that he may have made a a huge mistake.  Remember that you still get to make your own choices.  He may come back and tell you that now he’s decided to end it, but you get decide how you want to proceed when he does.

I didn’t give my own husband an ultimatum. But I did make it clear that I would not deal with him in any meaningful way until the affair was over and he was appropriately remorseful. If it helps, you can read more on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have had the unfortunate experience of being told of their husband’s infidelity by the woman with whom he has been cheating. Finding out that your husband has been unfaithful is horrible enough. But hearing these words come out of the woman who has also betrayed you is even worse.

I heard from a wife who said: “I knew that my marriage was changing because my husband was not around nearly as much. He had been distant and standoffish toward me. It seemed that everything that I did annoyed him. So the idea of him cheating wasn’t a surprising one. In fact, I asked him if he was cheating on me six months ago and he got so mad that I would even suggest it. He went out of his way to shame me for even asking him such a question. So I dropped the subject and I figured that he was under stress because of his job. I admit that I was shocked when a woman that I have never met called me and said that she had something alarming to tell me. At first, I thought she may have been the mother of one of my kid’s friends who was going to tell me that one of my kids had done something wrong. But that wasn’t the case. Instead, she had to tell me that she had been having an affair with my husband for the past four months. Furthermore, she informed me that she was coming forward and telling me because my husband wouldn’t. She said she has been asking him to come clean so they could start their future together but my husband stalled on this. So she figured she could jump start their future by spilling the beans. I am just dumbfounded and in pain. I have two children who are sitting at the dining room table and who have no idea that their lives are about to change. I don’t want to do this to my children. But how do I even approach my husband when he didn’t even have the decency to tell me himself? What does this say about him and my marriage?”

I was so sorry that this wife had to deal with this. I often wonder just what these women are thinking when they pick up the phone and cause this kind of pain and shock. But it is possible that these women aren’t thinking of anything or anyone but themselves. I know firsthand that this is a horrible thing to deal with and I know that it is very hard to remain calm. But in the following article, I’ll try my best to give you a little perspective and some much needed encouragement.

Don’t Assume That She’s Telling You The Complete Truth: I have to tell you that it’s not uncommon for the other woman to call the wife in order to beat the husband to it. Because she has a very definite interest in how the wife finds out and also what side of the story the wife hears. Also, sometimes she is trying to force the husband to make a decision. Or, she is trying to hurt your marriage so that your husband will have an easier time committing to their relationship. In fact, sometimes, the husband has even tried to end the relationship or expressed doubt about it and this little phone call is her way to cause problems and pain in retaliation.

I didn’t know if any of these possibilities was actually reality in this case, but I do know that the other woman will often have her own agenda and she is rarely completely honest.

Get Your Husband’s Side Of The Story And See If There’s Any Proof As To Either Version: I am going to go out on a limb and tell you that it’s my theory that the other woman  will often make this call because she wants to plant her own version of the events into your mind so that when your husband tells you his version, it will sound like a lie. I know that you may not even want to face your husband right now. But in the days and weeks ahead, knowing the absolute truth is going to become very important to you. So get his version of events and then consider checking credit card receipts, phone records, or anything that gives you an objective picture of the actual truth. Because you can’t successfully heal something if you don’t really know what you are dealing with.

Her Beating Your Husband To The Truth May Or May Not Have Implications On The Outcome: Many wives are enraged by this situation because they believe that if the other woman had never come forward, they might never have learned the truth. They assume that their husband might have never come clean. The problem with this thinking is that you will never know if it is accurate. You don’t know why she was motivated to beat the husband to what might have been just around the corner. You also don’t know if he may have told her that he was going to tell you the truth which prompted her to make that phone call. There is no way to know, unfortunately.

What matters the most right now is what you do with this information going forward. You can not change how you obtained the information, but you can control what you do with it now. You are in control as to how you react. The other woman has no control over your strategy moving forward as she can not control your thoughts and feelings (although she might like to.) What happens with your marriage going forward should be decided by the two people within that marriage. No third party should have the power to influence that. And if you allow her to fill your head with what might be lies before you sort out the truth, then you are giving her more power than she deserves.

I know that you feel shocked and hurt right now.  But please don’t take everything she says as the absolute truth.  Have diligence to find out for yourself.  Your inserting herself into your life doesn’t mean that she can end your marriage just because this is her goal right now.  Couples recover from infidelity every day if they decide that they want to.  If it helps, you can read about my own recovery after the affair on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from couples who disagree about when (or even if) to have sex when they are trying to recover from infidelity.  Sometimes, I hear from the faithful spouse who is confused and upset that the cheating spouse isn’t trying to have sex with them.  They will often wonder if this means that he is no longer sexually attracted to them and if this is the reason that he cheated in the first place.  Sometimes, the faithful spouse will confess that they suspect he’s not made any overtures because he might not be able to perform due to a lack of attraction.  I often hear comments like: “my husband told me about the affair and asked for my forgiveness.  I told him that I would try my best to recover from this and I intend to make good on that. But in the meantime, he doesn’t want to have sex with me.  This hurts me.  I asked him why he’s doing this and he says he doesn’t think we should add sex into the mix while we are trying to recover and that it would only confuse things.  But I worry that this is because he’s not turned on by me.”

On the other side of the coin, I sometimes hear from the cheating spouse who is frustrated that the faithful spouse doesn’t want to pick up their sex life where it left off.  I often hear comments like “my wife said she would try to get over my affair.  But she refuses to be intimate with me.  She says that she just has not yet reached the point where she would be comfortable with this.  She says that we need to restore our marriage first.  I disagree and think that sex is one way that we can bond and begin healing our marriage.  Who is right?” I’ll try to sort out this argument below.

Why Sex Is Sometimes The Central Issue After An Affair: Sex can be a serious point of contention after an affair.  In fact, it can sometimes be the main issue about which the couple just can’t disagree.  Being intimate again can cause all sorts of conflicting feelings and doubts.  After all, at the heart of an affair is the fact that the cheating spouse was having sex with someone else.  So it’s nearly impossible for both people not to have this in the back of their minds as they think about resuming their sex life.  There are all sorts of worries about whether the chemistry will be there, whether things will feel awkward, and whether the whole thing will just be a disaster that indicates that your marriage may never recover.  That’s why I tend to agree that it is best to wait for a little while.   I will go into this further below.

Why Sex Can Just Confuse Things, Especially In The Beginning:  This might surprise you, but it’s actually pretty common for a couple to have sex very soon after the affair is found out.  There are many theories about this but most agree that this happens because you want affirmation that there is still a chance for your marriage and it’s also possible that the affair has shown you just how vulnerable you are.

And some will admit afterward that surprisingly, the sex was actually quite good.  But sometimes, when the dust settles, there can be confusion or regret.  The cheating spouse might think that the sex meant that all has been forgiven and then he will be confused when suddenly the wife shows anger or sadness shortly afterward.  Or perhaps, the faithful spouse starts thinking about the betrayal and feels a little taken advantage of.  She may begin to ask herself what he’s done to deserve this intimacy when they haven’t even yet begun to rebuild.

So while it’s understandable to hope that sex can fix things, it usually becomes evident pretty quickly that it can’t.  Yes, it’s a nice way to reconnect and it can relieve some tension and affirm your attraction and connection, but you will still need to identify and then address the many issues that come up in your marriage when it is wracked by infidelity.  And yes, sex can confuse or even delay this process.  And that’s why when one spouse suggests that you wait to have sex until you make progress on your marriage, they are usually not making an excuse.  In fact, they are usually just looking out for your marriage because they don’t want to do anything that is going to make success less likely.

The Right Time To Start Having Sex Again Varies By The Couple: Some people actually tell me that they are easily able to separate their sex life from the health of their marriage.  In other words, they can have sex in the morning, hash out the issues that stem from the affair over dinner, and then be completely fine around each other by nightfall.  I envy these couples, but this wasn’t my reality. For many people, sex is tied in with your emotions and with feelings of being valued and feeling safe.  It’s difficult for many to have sex with their spouse when there are serious outstanding issues. If this is the case for you, I would suggest waiting until you make enough progress to feel comfortable.  Because you don’t want to add in any additional troubles when you already have enough on your plate.

I would also encourage any spouse who wants to have sex but who is being told to be patient to do just that.  You don’t want to force this on your reluctant spouse.  Instead, you want for it to be right.  My rule of thumb on this is often to try to wait until it’s obvious that the time is right and that you are both more than comfortable and willing.  Otherwise, it’s just not worth adding in yet another potential conflict or awkward situation when you still have some healing to do.

I am glad that my husband and I waited until we just couldn’t wait anymore.  This was a good indicator that the time was right and if we had rushed the process, I suspect that it would have been a disaster.  If it helps, you can read about our recovery on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who are trying to gauge their husband’s reactions and feelings after infidelity has rocked their marriage.  Often, the husband isn’t very forthcoming about his feelings or wishes because he doesn’t want to anger or hurt his wife.  So unfortunately, the wife is left with taking her best guess or just speculating about what he might be thinking or feeling, especially when it comes to the other woman and the other relationship.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair with his ex fiancee.  I worried when she came back into town, but my husband told me that I was just being silly, which is so ironic now.  When I found out about the affair, I told my husband that he had to end it immediately, but he told me that he had no idea what he wanted and that he would understand if I wanted to move out or get a divorce.  I suppose this reverse psychology worked because I agreed to give him some time before I took any action.  I am not real proud to admit that I have been reading my husband’s emails.  Last week, I read an email that indicated that the other women just broke things off with him.  I read an email where she was telling him that she needed to end the relationship because she knew that it was wrong.  She told him that she loved him but that their time had passed and that she didn’t want to take him away from his marriage.  She asked him not to pursue her and said that she felt it best if they had no contact. My husband didn’t tell me anything about this.  If I hadn’t read his email, then I wouldn’t know. He hasn’t really acted any differently toward me.  And he certainly isn’t going to share his feelings.  So I am wondering how he is feeling now?  Are men generally sad when the other woman breaks it off?  Is there anger?  I can’t get a handle on what is going to happen now if my husband won’t tell me what he’s feeling.”  I will try to address this in the following article.

Men Have Varying Feelings After The Other Woman Ends The Affair:  Unfortunately, I had no way to know how this wife’s husband felt.  I didn’t know him personally and a man’s reaction is going to vary depending on the intensity of the relationship and on his personality.  Men typically feel varying emotions.  Sometimes, they feel conflicting emotions. And sometimes, how they feel changes as time passes.  But below, I will outline some common feelings that many men experience when they were not the one to end the affair.

Relief Is Possible:  Believe it or not, some men feel relief because at least now they have a resolution and they can begin to move on. Quite often, they know that ending the affair is the right thing to do.  But sometimes, they don’t want to hurt anyone or they have conflicted feelings so they do nothing and hope that everything sorts itself out.  But when the other woman ends things for them, this sets him free because he didn’t need to make a firm decision and now that she has made the choice for him, he can move on.

Grief Is Also Possible:  People often assume that a man only has an affair because of sex.  This isn’t always the case.  Some men believe that they are feeling real and intense feelings about the other woman or about the other relationship. So, they can and sometimes do feel sorrow when things come to an end, especially since he didn’t set things in motion himself.  This can lead to a sense of loss and a sense of grief.  Many wives will take this to mean that their marriage is over or that their husband doesn’t love them.  They can also assume that their husband won’t get over the other woman.  This isn’t always true.  Sometimes, there is sorrow because the husband took these risks for nothing, since the relationship is over anyway.

He May Feel Frustration Or Confusion:  I am going to share with you a theory that I have with the realization that not everyone will agree.  I think that in some instances men use an affair as a means of escape.  Many will use the affair to feel younger, more attractive, more alluring, or just more in control of their lives.  Often, the affair doesn’t have all that much to do with the other woman or even with the relationship.  But it has everything to do with the man and his wish for escape.

So when the affair comes to an abrupt end, this can be frustrating (and not for the reason that you might think.)  He’s often not sad or frustrated that he lost the other woman.  He’s sad and frustrated that he’s lost his escape.  And now he has to face what he’s been trying to run from all along.  And he can feel very ill equipped to do this so he can struggle not because he was truly invested in the other relationship, but because he wasn’t fully invested in himself and his own ability to cope.

Many wives will watch their husband’s behavior and believe that he’s mourning the loss of the relationship, but sometimes what he is truly mourning is the fact that now he has to face himself with no more diversions and no more escape.  If he had the ability to do this easily, he would not have cheated in the first place.

I know that it’s very easy to focus on what the other woman meant to him.  But it’s my opinion and experience that you are better off focusing on what this marriage means to both of you right now.  Because sometime soon, you are going to have to make decisions in this regard.  And the process is much easier if you can tap into your true feelings. If it helps, you can read about my quest for recovery on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are on the receiving end of an excuse for cheating that focuses on her strengths and on her husband’s flaws. In short, he is telling her that the reason he cheated or had an affair is because their relationship encourages (or causes) his low self esteem. This can leave the wife wondering if these circumstances are going to contribute to him cheating again.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had a very brief two night fling with a woman from his office. This caught me completely off guard because I thought that we were happy and I’m pretty sure that my husband has enjoyed being married to me. He has always told me that I am much more than he deserves. So I have repeatedly asked my husband why in the world he would cheat on a wife who has been nothing but loyal and supportive. He finally told me that he believes that he cheated because deep in his heart, he doesn’t believe that he is good enough for me. He says he knows that he married up and he always wonders what someone like me would see in someone like him. In short, he says he knows he doesn’t deserve me and he thinks that he cheated to force what he always knew was going to happen which was me leaving him. He says that he must have subconsciously thought that hurting me before I could hurt him would ease his anxiety and would be better than waiting for the shoe to fall. Does this excuse even make sense? And does it mean that he will cheat again? I’m willing to work with him to save our marriage but I don’t want this issue to keep coming up.”

My Take On The “I Wasn’t Good Enough For You” Excuse: This is actually a very common issue. All you have to do is look at any number of magazine at grocery store check out lines to see examples of beautiful and successful celebrities dealing with infidelity. If beauty, a stable relationship, or being a good person was a defense to infidelity, than much less of us would have to deal with it. But the truth is that many successful and very attractive people deal with this very regularly and their spouses often use this same excuse – that they knew they weren’t worthy.

Many people on the outside looking in will have some doubt about this excuse. But if you talk to the men involved, you will find that they truly seem to believe this. And once the cheating has been discovered, many of them will insist that now their worst fears are finally coming true, which must have been their subconscious motivation all along since their spouse would eventually realize what they already know – that they are not good enough for her. So where does this leave you? I’ll discuss that now.

Why It’s Very Important For Your Spouse To Overcome This Issue: Whether you believe that this excuse is genuine or not, if your spouse believes it, then there is always the chance that he will act on it once again. And you will likely always worry about this, which could further weaken your marriage. The wife in this situation told me that she had always told her husband that his worries were silly. But, even she admitted that her husband wasn’t the type of man to whom she was usually attracted. He wasn’t extremely handsome, but the attraction was because of his sweet personality and his powerful mind. She had become tired of men who cared so much about their appearance. And she was very disappointed that her husband now fit into that category. And, she very much resented that she was now in situation where she had to build him up or risk him cheating again. She was still very angry with him and wasn’t sure if she could even do this successfully.

Frankly, I don’t think it’s your responsibility to boost someone else’s self esteem. If their self worth doesn’t come from within, it’s not likely to stick anyway. You can certainly encourage him to work with a professional who can help him with this. You can work on your marriage and stress how much you value him and your relationship. But at the end of the day, he needs to believe this within himself. This is not impossible at all, but he needs to be motivated to work on it.

Low Self Esteem Doesn’t Ensure That A Man Will Continue To Cheat: Although I do think that many people struggle with this issue, I don’t think that it’s a valid reason to cheat. Sure, I concede that many people who cheat are completely motivated by their firm belief that they aren’t good enough for their spouse and that’s it’s only a matter of time before their spouse clues into this. But, every one can learn alternative ways to deal with their doubts or their insecurities. Cheating is not a valid way to do this.

So it’s important that your husband learns coping mechanisms and that he must come to you and talk about his doubts instead of acting on them behind your back. Because we all have things within our marriage that concern us, scares us, or discourages us. But there are many different other alternatives than to cheat. And if your spouse can learn to use or seek out these alternatives, there is no valid reason for him to cheat again. But he has to motivated to make a change instead of leaning on his weaknesses for an excuse.

So to answer the question posed, although low self esteem is a very common excuse for cheating, it’s not a valid one. Many couples are able to work through it by just being honest. And some learn new coping and communication skills that make it less likely for it to happen again. But the couples have taken the initiative to make this so.

Frankly, I would have been tempted to agree with my husband if he told me that he cheated because he wasn’t worthy of me.  But in the end, this probably wouldn’t have helped us.  What does help is figuring out the issues that left you vulnerable and to fix it.  Counseling is one way to do this, but there are others.  If you’d like to read about how I recovered in my own life, you can read that story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who aren’t certain how to respond when their husband says something extremely hurtful as it relates to his fidelity. Sometimes, he will actually insinuate that something about the wife or the marriage tests his fidelity. Not only can the wife be hurt and horrified to hear this, but she is often left not knowing how to respond.

I heard from a wife who said: “for the last several months, I could not help but notice that my husband has been openly staring at other women in my presence. He also sometimes flirts right in front of me. Our marriage has been challenged within the last year and half because I have added additional responsibilities to my life. I’ve had no choice about this, but it has caused stress in my life which has in turn caused stress with our marriage. I regret this, but never did I think that it would cause my husband to be unfaithful to me. The other day, he was openly gawking at the waitress when we were eating. I couldn’t take it anymore so I asked him if he was cheating on me or having an affair. I told him that I could no longer ignore the way that he has been acting and that I couldn’t help put notice that he had been coming home late recently. He responded that no, he is not having an affair. But then he said that sometimes my behavior makes him want to have one. I asked him what in the world he meant by this. He said that I’m so insecure and needy that it gets exhausting to reassure me all of the time. He also said that I never have time for him anymore and that our sex life has become unsatisfactory because we are not intimate nearly enough. I had no response to this because I had no idea what I was supposed to say. I just told him to pay the check and we left the restaurant. I know that I should take this seriously. But part of me is very resentful. I don’t want to fall all over myself to make myself available to him any time he feels like it when I am struggling to juggle a lot of things in my life. What about him supporting me? What about him settling for less physical reassurance when I have all of these things going on? Hearing him say this actually makes me want to be intimate with him even less. How am I supposed to handle this? I need my husband’s support at this time in my life. But clearly sex is more important to him than supporting me.”

This was a difficult situation, but it most certainly wasn’t a rare one. Men and women will often see this situation very differently. Men will often actually want to have sex in times of stress because they will often see it as an effective and appropriate stress reliever. Women sometimes struggle to have sex in times of emotional turmoil because sex and emotions are tied together for them. And they can very much resent that their husband is asking this of them when they are obviously thinking about other things. This can cause misunderstanding and resentment on both sides. I will discuss what I believe is the best way to deal with this in the following article.

Ignoring This Or Dismissing Your Husband As Too Needy Or Demanding Might Be A Mistake: I know that it is very tempting to tell your husband that he expects too much or to just ignore the situation in the hopes that he will work it out on his own. But in my experience, this strategy comes with a high level of risk. Many men equate a lack of sex as a personal rejection to them. They will start to believe that their wife doesn’t have time for them or just doesn’t care. Therefore, they may begin to justify inappropriate behavior by telling themselves that their wife gives them little choice but to get their needs met outside of their household.

To be fair, some men will just look and act a bit inappropriately in front of their wives as this husband was. But, be aware that some men will start out just looking but they will eventually graduate to more physical behavior. They will typically attempt to justify their infidelity by pointing out that they tried to tell their wife they needed more but she just ignore them.

How To Respond When Your Husband Is Trying Very Hard To Get Your Attention: As much as the husband’s words hurt this wife, you at least have to give him credit for being honest. Because some men will tell their wives that nothing is wrong or that she is seeing things that don’t exist while he is actively behaving in a way that is deceiving or being unfaithful to her. So while his words may hurt or may have made you angry, know that he is at least alerting you to the problem before anything horrible has happened. This is an advantage because it is much easier to save your marriage before infidelity happens than it is to rescue your marriage from the ashes once one of the spouses has cheated.

An appropriate response might be something like: “well since you are being so honest with me, I have to be honest with you and tell you that this hurts me. You know that I have been struggling in the last year. I didn’t realize that you had been feeling neglected and I am glad that you told me so that I can address this. It would help me a lot if in return you could support me more emotionally. I am dealing with a lot of stress and, honestly, it is easier for me to feel romantic or in the mood when I am feeling supported emotionally. Can we both agree to do better?’

Do you notice that I didn’t call him a superficial jerk who had been disrespecting his wife? I acknowledged that both spouses weren’t giving each other exactly what they needed and I laid the groundwork so that this could change. It is better to compromise before anything happens than to pick up the pieces afterward.

I really wish I had paid more attention when my husband made similar comments.  I just choose to ignore him and this later came back to haunt me.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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