Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are quite surprised at their reaction (or lack thereof) after they have found out that their husband has been cheating or having an affair.  Many had assumed that they would have some sort of a dramatic and negative reaction.  And they are stunned when this doesn’t turn out to be the case.

I heard from a wife who said: “I have watched my sister and many of my friends deal with infidelity.  I have seen many of them fall apart.  I have seen good marriages ruined and I have seen strong, wonderful women struggle.  So I had always assumed that if the same ever happened to me, I would either crumble under the grief or buckle under the pain.  I always told my husband that if he ever cheated on me, then he’d better get out of my way because words could not even describe the rage that I would feel.  Well, now my worst nightmare has come true.  My husband did cheat.  And he cheated with a family friend that I practically grew up with.  He wouldn’t even come home when I found out because I knew that he expected me to be boiling over. And I suppose I was at first. But now I am just numb.  I don’t really feel anything.  My husband will occasionally call and ask me about where I want to go from here.  I have no idea.  I don’t know what to think or feel.  I can’t seem to process this.  I know that I should be furious or grieving but I do not feel anything at all.  Why not?  What’s wrong with me?  And will I ever start to feel? What can I do to help myself?”

There was absolutely nothing wrong with this wife.  A delayed reaction or seemingly no reaction at all after an affair is actually quite common.  I’m certainly no expert, but having been there myself, I do have some theories.  I’ll talk about that below as well as suggest some ways to release your feelings.

I Believe That Numbness Or A Delayed Reaction Is A Defense Mechanism Meant To Maintain Control:  This is going to sound harsh and I apologize about that.  But when your spouse has an affair, it feels as if someone has picked up your life and turned it upside down.  And yet you did nothing wrong.  It was seemingly a normal day and you were minding your own business when all of a sudden your life changed dramatically.  This can make you feel as if your world no longer makes sense and that you have no control over the outcome.

Needless to say, this can lead to a sense of helplessness that no one wants to embrace.  So a common defense mechanism is simply to resist feeling.  Because somewhere deep down, you know that if you allow those feelings to start to leak out, they are going to be painful.  And they are going to be overwhelming.  So it is better to just keep a lid on them so that they won’t boil over.

And this can work for a while.  But sometimes the lack of feeling can almost be suffocating.  Do you know what? Sometimes it feels really good to release these feelings when they have begun to build.  Unfortunately, sometimes you have pushed them down for so long that it can be difficult to bring them forth.  Frankly, it is to your benefit to bring them forth.  You can’t move past them if you don’t acknowledge or release them.  I’ll talk about how to do that now.

Releasing Your Feelings A Little At A Time:  A lot of people become so used to not feeling that they begin to believe that they don’t really care, that they weren’t really invested, or that they have lost their ability to feel anything at all.  None of these things are necessarily true.  What is more probable is that pushing down your feelings has become a habit.  In order to break this habit, you need to start small.  You probably don’t want to go from being completely shut down to bubbling over very quickly as this might be overwhelming.  And the goal or idea isn’t to become overwhelmed by anger or by sadness.  It is just to experience, to feel, and to release whatever comes forth.

There are many different ways to do this.  You can talk to a very trusted friend or family member.  But choose this person carefully.  You want someone who is not only non judgmental, but who also doesn’t have a personal interest in your husband or in your marriage.  Because should you reconcile, you don’t want for this person to always remind you of these early and painful conversations.

Another option is to write out your feelings.  Many people tell me that they have tried journaling and they have failed.  Perhaps you have tried traditional journaling and you have stared at a blank page.  If this is the case, you can try a couple of other techniques.  The first is using prompts.  You might start with sentences meant to prompt you. Examples are things like: “if I could change one thing about the course of my life right now, it would be…”  Or “the thing that disappoints me the most is…”  Another example is: “if I could choose my life six months from now I would want it to look like…”

Another thing that you can try is clustering.  You can start out with just a word. Then you write down what thought the first word leads you to. And you keep going from there.  Here’s an example.  You could start out with the word  “loyal.”  Then you might think of the word faithful which may lead you to the word partners and you could go on and on from there.  I know that this might seem silly but if you go on for long enough, you will generally find that you keep coming back to the same words or themes no matter which word you started with.  This is a way to release your inner thoughts without having to identify them immediately.

One final suggestion is picture free association.  You simply look through a magazine and cut out photos that speak to you for whatever reason.  You might find no rhyme or reason to the photos you are cutting out but that is OK, continue on anyway.  Then tape the picture to your journal and start writing whatever pops into your head without judgement. All of these methods may seem silly to you but they often work well at unleashing what is deep inside you but has been reluctant to come out.

As you probably suspect, I used all of these methods in my own life after my husband’s affair.  This helped me release those feelings in a constructive way so that I could move forward.  If if helps, you can read that story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to desperately to save the marriage that has been racked by cheating.  Often, they feel that they almost have to fight to keep their cheating spouse from leaving.  Many have become so emotionally upset during this process that they are willing to do almost anything to make this happen.  And somewhere along the way, they can sometimes lose their sense of self.  And they begin to worry that they aren’t good enough and therefore will not be able to keep their husband.  Their beauty, sex appeal, and level of attractiveness if often a huge issue.  And sometimes this is because the husband has made it an issue.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated with a woman from his office.  The affair went on for almost nine months before I caught him. Although I was angry, I still knew early on that I wanted to save my marriage.  Despite my husband’s faults, I still love him.  I don’t want a divorce. I want for him to stay with me so that we can work this out.  At first, he was reluctant to stay.  He didn’t seem to know what or who he wanted.  He wouldn’t give me an answer right away.   Last week, he sat me down and told me that he would agree to stay.  But he said that he had to be honest with me.  He said that the affair happened because he was no longer attracted to me.  He says that my appearance no longer seems to be important to me.  This hurt me more than the affair did.  I admit that I don’t look the same way that I did when we got married.  But my goodness I have two kids to care for.  I don’t get to the gym nearly as much.  And I’ve never been a high maintenance person who wears tons of make up or flashy clothes.  And my husband seemed to like the low maintenance side of me.  But the woman that he cheated with is very heavily made up and fake looking.  So now I am asking myself if I need to now look more like her instead of more like myself.  Obviously, I need for him to be attracted to me again.  But how far should I take this?”  I will answer these questions in the following article.

Understand That Attraction Isn’t Dependent On Your Looks:  I know that when someone tells you that they aren’t as attracted to you, then your mind immediately begins to wonder what is wrong with you.  As a result, you might look in the mirror and scrutinize yourself and try to examine what someone else would perceive as unattractive.  But before you do that, please consider that attraction isn’t all about your looks.

I dialog with a lot of men on my blog about this very topic, and when they talk about attraction, looks and physical attributes aren’t the only things that they list. They find confidence attractive.  They find understanding attractive. They like women who take the time to fully understand them and love them that much more for it.  They like it when you take the time to understand what makes them tick and then offer it up enthusiastically.

I know that this might sound a bit unfair. But when you think about it, women are not all that different in what they also find attractive.  Although we value character and kindness a little more, we also like someone who is confident and who is going to take the time to learn what makes us gel.  We want someone who is going to make us feel like a better version of ourselves.  Men are really no different.  And when you take care of yourself but are true to yourself at the same time, you show that you value the both of you.

So before you think that you have to make a drastic change to your appearance, know that this isn’t always what he is looking for.  Sometimes, you are better off comparing yourself to who you once were, especially if you are a mother or you have a very full plate at the time.  Because sometimes when we are juggling too much, we lose a little of ourselves.  We lose that fun loving, life embracing, passionate person that we were.  And this has nothing whatsoever to do with the way that we look or how much we weigh.

Change Only What You Yourself Believe Is Necessary:  It is very common for a woman in this situation to make very drastic changes and then wonder what is wrong when their husband doesn’t immediately respond in a positive way.  They don’t understand his reaction because they think that they have given their husband what he wants.  But do you know why I think that this doesn’t work?  Because it’s pretty obviously not genuine.  It comes off as fake because you were doing it for someone else.  And it doesn’t hit the target.

I would suggest thinking very carefully before you make any changes.  You want to change things that you yourself have always wanted to improve. You want to make sure that anything you change is something that has been bothering you, not bothering him.  The reason for this is that the changes will be authentic, they will stick, and they will enable you to be more confident instead of less so.

I know that you might be afraid that this lack of attraction might mean the end of your marriage.  It’s normal to panic.  But try not to.  Because panicking leads to desperation which frankly usually makes him less attracted to you and just makes this worse.

In fact, you will often need for the opposite to happen.  You will need to cultivate an attitude of confidence and you will need to give off the vibe that he’s actually lucky to be married to you. Because not only is it true, but it’s also usually very attractive when you are able to pull it off.

This may seem impossible but it isn’t.  Take the time to focus on yourself.  You deserve to be the best version of yourself.  You need to discover why and how you are lovable.  Frankly, until you love yourself and find yourself attractive, then you can’t project this to someone else.

I will admit that I made some physical changes after my husband’s affair.  But I was very careful and deliberate about this.  Because I knew that if I was changing for him, this would hurt my self esteem even more and my goal really was to enhance my self esteem.  Loving myself enabled me to believe that I was lovable to him and this made a huge difference.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com.  There is also a good resource on that blog (called her secrets) that is good for restoring sexual confidence.

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from cheating spouses who are trying very hard to save their marriages. To that end, they often know that they have to talk about the affair in order to work through it. Having this type of discussion isn’t anyone’s idea of a good time, but most people realize that it is going to be necessary. Sometimes though, this sort of conversation is very painful to the faithful spouse and some will try to avoid it altogether.

I heard from a wife who said: “last year, I cheated on my husband with a guy that I saw every morning in a coffee shop. We started talking every morning and one thing lead to another.  It lasted for about five months. And during that time, I did develop real feelings for the other man. But eventually I decided that I had made a commitment to my husband and that I was going to honor that commitment. So, I told my husband about my mistakes and I asked him to work with me to save our marriage. He agreed and I was so relieved.  But very shortly after my confession, I began to realize that he never wanted to acknowledge my affair, much less to talk about it. I am not defending my actions and I admit that the affair was totally my fault. But part of the reason that I cheated was because my husband never seemed to have time for me. I want to talk about this because at times I felt taken for granted and unloved. I feel like we need to talk about this. But every time I try, my husband will abruptly change the subject and warns me not to ‘go there.’ I don’t want to hurt my husband. But I feel like we do need to go there if we are going to move past this. What can I do?”

I agreed with this wife. Even though I was the faithful spouse in my own marriage, I know first hand that what you don’t talk about and work through will generally come back to haunt you later. If you don’t fix it once and for all, it will just lay in wait until you face a similar set of circumstances in the future. So I felt that it was vital that both parties opened up and started talking, which leads me to my next point.

Gently Continue To Call His Attention To The Issue: I know that the cheating spouse sometimes feels as though they don’t have the right to set the pace or the course of the healing. They often feel the need to let their spouse run the show. And this can work out just fine when you have a spouse who is motivated to heal. But when you don’t, sometimes you have to take the initiative.

That’s why I would suggest verbalizing your concerns at the next opportunity. So the next time that the wife tried to discuss the affair and the husband shut her down, she might say something like: “I notice that every time I try to talk about the affair, you refuse to discuss it. Believe me when I say that talking about it isn’t something that I am going to enjoy, but I feel that it’s necessary. If we don’t talk about it, resentment may build or questions may linger. We need to uncover and work through our issues so that we can strengthen and rebuild our marriage. I am not trying to hurt you or force you to do something that makes you uncomfortable. But I am trying to look out for what is best for our marriage in the long term. I want to have a healthy and happy marriage that lasts. And I believe that talking about this gives us the best chance of being successful with this. Will you help me do this? I want to be open and honest because I love you and I feel like you deserve the best marriage possible.”

If The Conversations Are Too Uncomfortable For Your Spouse, Consider Consulting A Neutral Third Party Or Exploring Self Help That Can Guide The Way: Sometimes, both people have committed to being brutally honest and to talking through this, but when they begin to have these conversations, they are either too awkward or too painful. So the spouse who is the most uncomfortable will often shut down or walk away. That’s why a skilled counselor can be very valuable, especially in the beginning. I realize that many people resist counseling and that it is not for everyone. In that case, you can often find self help resources to help walk you through this.  Many will give you starting topics, quizzes, or check lists that can keep you on track even when things get very rough.

But to answer the question posed, I believe that it’s important to have some brutally honest discussions after the affair even though I know that this isn’t pleasant or easy. This doesn’t mean that I think you should push your spouse if they truly aren’t ready. You shouldn’t alienate them, but you should stress that you want to talk about things to heal them rather than to hurt them. And if this isn’t happening on its own, you should continue to revisit it as gently as you can until the conversation flows more easily.

I do understand faithful spouses being reluctant to discuss the affair.  Discussions bring about pain and when your spouse has cheated on you, more pain is the last thing that you want.  But I also know that sometimes you have to work through your reluctance in order to get to the other side.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who wonder why they insist on further hurting themselves after their husband’s affair by demanding to know all of the painful details.  They often will try to tell themselves that it really is better to just let some things go, only to eventually give in to their need for more painful information.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had a three month affair with an old classmate from college.  They had both returned to school to get their advanced degrees and they reconnected then.  From what I have been able to gather, the relationship was an intense and passionate one.  I have put this together from emails that I have read and things that my husband tells me.  And every time I question my husband and get an honest response, I am hurt just a little bit more. It is like the scab that has started to form gets ripped off all over again. And then I will let that scab heal just a little more until I get restless again and I will demand more details.  And my husband will resist giving me these details because I am only going to be upset.  He says I am only looking to negate the progress that we have made.  And I am not sure how to respond to this because I don’t know why I want all of these details even though I know that they are going to deeply wound me. Why do I have the need to do this to myself and to him?  Am I looking to punish us? Do I just like to wallow in the pain?  Because at this point, I have no idea what is motivating me.”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

You Often Want The Details Because You Want A Very Clear Picture Of What You Are Up Against Now And You’re Also Looking Out For The Future:  I firmly believe that your need for information isn’t meant to hurt or punish you.  I believe that you want the information because you want a clear picture of what you are dealing with.  You want to know the depths of his deception and you need to know how he went about getting away with it for as long as he did. You want to know if he loved her or if he made her any promises.  In short, you want to see just how much their relationship is going to damage your marriage.

And frankly, you are also looking for the clues that you previously missed.  Because it is just human nature to want to protect yourself from this kind of deception and pain again.  So, you want to know what types of clues you should be looking for in the future to ensure that you aren’t caught blindsided again. There is nothing at all wrong with you for wanting and for needing this information.  But I believe that there is a better way to go about this to ensure that you aren’t in constant pain.

Make A Note Of The Questions That Pop Into Your Head And Put Aside A Regular Time To Discuss Them To Allow More Progress:  When your mind is always working and you’re asking whatever pops into your head, it can begin to seem like clarifying the details of the affair are the bulk of what makes up your life.  It can begin to appear that there is nothing to look forward to or no progress to be made.  In fact, it can feel as if perhaps there’s no reason to attempt to advance at all when you both know a fresh set of details are going to emerge at any time and then derail you once again.

If you still harbor any wish to save your marriage, then you need to give yourself the space to make some progress without constantly needing to step back.  So I believe that it is beneficial to limit your questions for one set time.  I am not suggesting that you push down your questions or that you should not demand answers.  You never want to constantly wonder about something when the answer is available.  But you also don’t want to get into the habit of making the details the only thing that you ever talk about.

So I would suggest journaling your questions as they come to you.  Just make a note of them and then let them go, only for the time being.  Then, agree with your husband that perhaps once a week (or even twice a month) that you will both sit down and have your questions answered.  This is usually a compromise that both people can agree to because the wife knows that she will eventually get her answers and the husband is relieved to know that the questions will no longer occur at a daily rapid fire pace.

Plus, this gives your marriage a chance to at least experience some momentum or recovery before you have the difficult discussions once again.  Some people find these set discussions to be somewhat awkward because everyone knows that they are coming.  It does get better with time and the more that you have these scheduled conversations, the easier they become.  Also, if you are in counseling, you can ask your counselor to facilitate this so that it happens on a regular (but not a constant) basis.

I will admit that in my own situation,  I eventually stopped my constant demand of details before my husband demanded it.  After awhile, I realized that my constant need for information wasn’t allowing us enough time to heal.  So I used the above suggestions myself and it helped things considerably.  I still got the information but I wasn’t being hurt on a daily basis.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who feel somewhat powerless after their husband cheats or has an affair. They often also struggle with societal beliefs which seem to embrace the notion that women who try to work it out with men who cheat are lacking in self esteem or assertiveness. This societal message can be so rampant that the wives begin to wonder how to be more assertive while still trying to save their marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “I feel like I’m almost losing myself while I’m dealing with the aftermath of my husband’s affair. I want to stay married because this is a commitment that I made and I feel that it is the best thing for my children. However, sometimes I really worry that I am going to lose my sense of self. I wonder how a smart, successful, and generally decent woman could stay with someone who cheated on her. I do believe that my husband has ended the affair. I also believe that this was his first indiscretion. But this doesn’t make me less angry and hurt. He does seem remorseful and he said he will consider counseling. But somehow, this all seems grossly unfair. I feel like it is me making the concessions. I am the one who has to get over the hurt and move on. I am the one who has to put my feelings and worries on the back burner and trust in this man who frankly has destroyed that same trust. How is this fair? I was talking to my sister about this the other day and she said I shouldn’t push down my anger like this. She said that I need to assert myself. The problem is that I don’t know how. I like peace and harmony in my family. I hate conflict. And I’m a little embarrassed for being this emotional. Plus, I’m not sure if my anger would even help anything. What is done is done. How is verbally expressing my anger going to help anything? How can I express my anger in a more positive way?”

Journaling Is A Wonderful Start: I can tell you what helped me when I felt exactly the same way in a similar situation. Journaling. I know that you may be rolling your eyes or thinking that you haven’t journaled since high school but please hear me out. I too hadn’t journaled since I took a writing class in college where we had to do something called the “daily pages.” The idea behind this was to just let your thoughts flow in free hand until you had at least 750 words.  The whole idea was to unleash your unconscious and to get into the habit of daily writing.

So after my husband’s affair, I decided to try to daily pages again just to give all of the thoughts in my head an outlet. I did it exactly the same way as I had in college. I got out an old notebook computer and wrote until I had exactly 750 words and no more. It felt awkward at first. I had to force myself to do it the next morning. But over the course of a week, I started to look forward to it. I put a password on the notebook so that I didn’t have to worry about anyone reading my feelings so that I could be free to express any petty, hateful, or spiteful feelings that I was too ashamed or embarrassed to actually express out loud. It felt wonderful to release those thoughts and feelings.

And, even better, it eventually moved me to take some action. Do you know why? Because when you write 750 words per day and you notice that day after day you are trying to work through the same hurtful issues, eventually you see a pattern. And you are motivated to break that pattern because you don’t want to show up at the page the next morning griping about the same thing when you didn’t take any action.

I know that this might sound corny, but I would encourage you to try it. Consider that it’s totally free and it’s completely private. No one has to know but you. And you can even delete the words at the end of your writing session if you want. But I suspect that eventually you may feel a similar sense of relief.

Asking Your Husband For What You Need Is A Good Place To Begin Asserting Yourself: When you journal, you may find that you have identified or isolated some themes for your anger. This will hopefully help you to pinpoint what you need or want. And when it does, you should not be shy about sharing this. Frankly, if you do not tell your husband what you want or need, then you run the risk of not getting it. And you deserve to get it. You will feel better and more in control if you don’t wait for him to read your mind or to take action.

I know that the initial conversation might be awkward, but if you can make it clear that you are asking because you want to move on, most husbands will be receptive to this. In fact, many husbands in this situation tell me on my blog that they feel helpless and that they really want to help their wives to heal, but they just don’t know how to go about it.

So to answer the question posed, my short answer would be that a wonderful way to start to asset yourself is through journaling because it feels so safe. And from there you can begin to assert yourself with in your marriage. If there is any positive that comes out of infidelity, it is that it can be a wake up call that allows you to craft the exact marriage that you want if you only ask for it.

I know that the idea of journaling might be silly to some, but I can’t overstate how much this simple task helped me.  I really cultivated an attitude of wanting to speak the truth, which had never been true for me before.  And this made quite a difference.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people confess with shame how they acted or what they said after they found out about their spouse’s cheating. They feel that they are unique in their reactions, but it might help them to know that they are not. Many of us say things that later make us filled with regret. Many of us do things that we wish could be taken back. But, frankly, I believe that we are harder on ourselves and that we judge ourselves more harshly than is necessary. Discovering an affair is probably one of the worst days that many of us will have. Therefore, it’s my opinion that what comes out of our mouths at the time is mostly forgivable and understandable.

I heard from a wife who said: “when I caught my husband cheating on me, something just overtook me. It was like I was acting outside of my own body. I could hear my words, but they didn’t sound like myself. In my own mind, I knew that I was becoming hysterical and that I was taking it way too far, but I couldn’t stop myself. Even as my husband tried to move away from me, I continued to follow him yelling hateful obscenities. I told him that he was a horrible person with no integrity. I told him that he had no character. I told him that I hated him and that I would make him pay. I told him that I would never forgive him no matter what he did. I told him that he could fall off the face of the earth and that I would be happy. I told him that I didn’t want to be in his presence ever again. He tried to reason with me but I told him that if he knew what was good for him, he would stay out of my line of sight for good. That night, he texted me and asked me if I would just calm down and promise not to make any snap decision until more time passed. I texted back that I never wanted to hear from him again. Well now that a few months have passed, I do regret the horrible things that I have said. I texted my husband last week and told him that I would now be willing to talk to him. He came by, but things were so strained between us. I tried to apologize for some of the things that I said but he told me to worry about it because I spoke my true feelings and that I should not apologize for what I truly felt. He said he accepted that there was probably no future for us because of the way that I now understandably feel about him. He said this very calmly. Now, I deeply regret what I said because it’s obvious my words were so toxic that I have destroyed my marriage. He made a horrible mistake, but this doesn’t make him a deplorable person. How do I even begin to take this back? At this point, I don’t know if I want to save my marriage or not. But it looks as if I won’t have this option because of what I’ve said.”

Try To Put Your Words In Perspective: I do understand this kind of regret, but I think that it is a bit misplaced. Sure, she said some hurtful things. But the husband’s actions were also incredibly hurtful that they were almost justified. And frankly, her husband likely understood her motivations and took them into account. And, with time and honestly, I believe that you can work around this if you truly do want to leave things open ended in case you want to save your marriage later. I will explain this more below.

If You Haven’t Yet Said What You Need To Say, Go Ahead And Do So: This wife had already tried to express her feelings about this once, but her husband had interrupted her and told her that he already understood. The next time, she might consider stopping him and saying something like: “I appreciate your saying that, but I really do need for you to just listen and to hear me out. I know that my words were understandable and maybe even justified but I regret them. And I want for you to know that many of them were not accurate. I don’t know what the future holds for us. I am still processing this. Yes, you made a huge, hurtful mistake that has me reeling. But I certainly don’t think that you are a deplorable person and I don’t hate you. I don’t want you thinking that I meant these things. I was just so shocked and hurt and I still am. But I took things too far with my words and I am sorry for that. No matter what happens, I don’t want you to think that I really meant everything that I said.”

If you find that he is still interrupting you, then you may want to consider saying this in writing.  That way, you can be sure that you have actually said what you meant to say.  The only downside with writing a letter is that sometimes the meaning isn’t clear.  Since he can’t hear the emotion in your words, you risk him misunderstanding the tone of what you are trying to say.  But sometimes, you have to settle for writing when you can’t get out the words or he won’t let you finish.

Then just listen to what he has to say. It is likely that he already knows that you didn’t mean these things if they were so out of character for you. Also keep in mind that apologizing for what you said doesn’t mean that you aren’t still angry and that you don’t still have a lot of work to do on your marriage. Just because you are apologizing for your words, this doesn’t mean that the reason for your words is erased.

I will admit that I said some very nasty things to my husband after his affair.  And when I calmed down, I realized that I was a little harsh.  But I always felt that it was the situation and not my personality or character that inspired my words.  And I think my husband understood this eventually.  We eventually overcame this and many obstacles.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who feel that not only is it their right to check up on their husband after he’s already been caught cheating once, they also feel that this is something what they need for their own peace of mind. Even though they very much want to believe their husband’s claims that he’s remaining faithful and will never cheat again, it’s often very hard to put this sort of blind trust in someone who has already shown themselves to be deceptive once. So the majority of wives in this situation want to be able to check up on their husbands. But the minority of husbands agree to this and most greatly resent this supposed invasion of privacy.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me with a woman who was at least an acquaintance but also sometimes a friend. I wasn’t particularly close to this woman. It wasn’t as if we were best friends. But I knew her well enough and she knew enough about my life that she should have known to stay away from my husband. Even so, they snuck around behind my back for months before I caught them. My husband swears this was his first affair and that it will be his last. He swears that they no longer have any contact with one another. And while I want to believe him, there is just something in his attitude that gives me pause. I know that they used to text one another countless times per day and that they used to instant message one another on the computer. I have asked him for access to the phone and the computer for my own peace of mind. I think that this is an understandable request. But my husband acts as if I’ve asked to be privy to his most personal thoughts. He says that my request is a gross invasion of his privacy and that he will not comply.  He flat our refuses to let me see his phone. I asked him if his resistance is an indication that he has something to hide. He denies this but says that his attitude is due to the principle of my request and that an invasion of privacy is wrong when we are supposed to trust one another. I don’t get why he doesn’t understand why I need this reassurance. I told him he was welcome to look at my phone and emails. He says that my privacy isn’t the issue. And he insist that he will not allow me to put his private life under a microscope. I am not sure that I can work on our marriage when he’s unwilling to comply with this basic request. One of my friends says he probably feels as if I’m treating him like a child. Is she right? Does he deserve his privacy right now? Or did he give up that right once he cheated?”

I am not very objective about this topic. But  I completely agree with the wife. This may be because I have dealt with infidelity myself. But it is also just common sense. Any time there is a problem in your marriage, you are going to automatically place your focus on that area. For example, if a couple are fighting about money or have financial problems as a central issue in their marriage, then it’s a fair bet that the frugal spouse is going to regularly check the bank and credit card statements of the spending spouse. I am not sure why it is any different with fidelity. I understand that knowing that someone is reading your texts or emails may feel awkward. But so long as you don’t have anything to hide, what is the big deal? And if this kind of accountability keeps you from doing things that you shouldn’t or it allows for your spouse to move forward, then I would think it’s a justifiable request.

Open Communication Is The Key:  I stand by my opinion, but I can understand why no one wants to commit to a lifetime of someone looking over their shoulder in this way. That’s why I advocate agreeing on the temporary terms of this and always communicating openly afterward. Understand that the goal is that this type of accountability is only temporary. There is the hope that eventually, it will no longer be needed. Now that I’ve told you while I believe that some mild invasions of privacy are justified, I will offer tips on how to convince your husband of the same.

Words And Phrases To Use To Make Him Understand You’re Interested In Reassurance And Accountability Instead Of Truly Invading His Privacy: I don’t feel that this conflict is a deal breaker. Often, you can reach a compromise that you can both live with. It’s very important that you use the words and phrases that allow him to understand that you aren’t interested in knowing each and every thing about his personal life. You just want to make sure that what he is claiming and presenting to you is in fact reality. In other words, you just want to be able to confirm the claims on your own instead of having to depend on him for your information. But you certainly aren’t interested in conversations that don’t have anything to do with your marriage.

So a suggested script might be something like: “I do understand that you are a private person who is uncomfortable with this. Believe it or not, I don’t enjoy this process either. It makes me feel weird to look at your phone and emails. I wish that I didn’t need to do this. But for right now, I do need to be able to see for myself what is truly reality. I don’t intend to need or want this for a long period of time. But I just need some reassurance right now. I don’t intend to read any correspondence from your family, friends or coworkers. I just want to make sure that she’s not trying to contact you and vice versa. I don’t have any intention of invading your privacy or of abusing this privilege. But unfortunately, your actions have made this necessary for right now. How about we agree to try this for a couple of weeks and then reevaluate then?”

Promising flexibility and open communication is quite important. He will usually feel better knowing that you will be talking about the process and tweaking it as you go along. It may also help him to know that you don’t intend to take this too far or to make it a life long habit.

But to answer the question posed, I agreed with the wife. I feel that people give up their right to complete privacy when they betray their spouse. If they truly want for you to trust in them again, they have to be willing to offer you some reassurance. And having full disclosure is just part of the process. With this said, you should be willing to reciprocate, if asked. And you should vow that this will not be a long term practice. Once healing occurs, you will need to restore the trust that has been earned.

I fully admit that I required accountability from my husband after his affair.  He wasn’t happy about this, but I wasn’t willing to negotiate my need for this.  In the end, once he saw that it helped me move on, it wasn’t as big of an issue anymore.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from people who are on the receiving end of a very infuriating excuse for an affair. Sometimes, the cheating spouse isn’t willing to take complete responsibility for his actions and shoulder all of the blame. Sometimes, he finds it preferable to shift at least some of that blame to his faithful spouse.

I heard from a wife who said: “I was honestly stunned to find out about my husband’s affair. I didn’t suspect anything at all. I honestly thought we were very happy. In fact, many of my friends told me that they wished they had a marriage like ours. Well, I guess it turns out that the joke is on me because I just found out that my husband has been cheating with the woman down the street who watches our children from time to time. I will admit that my words have not been kind and that my tone has been harsh when I have demanded answers from him. And the biggest question that I have is what made him betray me in this way. From day one, I have absolutely demanded answers about what would make a man with a good marriage and wife cheat. And last night, I was horrified and furious when my husband finally blurted out that I was partially to blame for his affair. He says that I have let our marriage go stale and that I have let myself go. He says I never laugh anymore and that I am no fun to be around. Also, he says that I am well aware that I don’t want to be intimate as much as he does. He says that we’ve had conversations about this and that I knew about his displeasure.  Even worse, he says that I almost gave him permission to get his needs met elsewhere. That’s only partially true. About a month ago, he told me that he felt he needed to have sex much more frequently or as much as once per day. I almost thought that he was kidding and I sarcastically told him that if he needed sex that much, perhaps he should go and find someone who was willing to go along with that schedule. But I was partially joking and I was partially trying to point out how impossible he was being. I wasn’t serious. And I refuse to take any of the blame. But at the same time, he is adamant that we share in the blame. What can I do? I will never admit fault. It was his affair, not mine.”

I could identify with this wife. And I agreed with her. But I also know from experience that sometimes, in order to heal, you have to step away from the subject of blame and to step toward what is needed to help yourself move forward. With that said, there is always a way to make your point even if you don’t allow that to keep you from getting what you need. I will discuss this more in the following article.

You Have To Decide If You Want To Debate This Further Or If You Want To Shelf It For Now In Order To Begin The Healing: Whether your husband will abandon this stance depends on how firmly he believes in what he is saying and on his personality. And some husbands are swayed by their wife’s insistence that she will not take an ounce of the blame while other husbands will just be inspired to continue to debate this endlessly.

In order to decide how to play this, you will often need to evaluate just how far your husband is going to take his assertions of blame. Sometimes, it becomes obvious that he’s going to cling to this excuse endlessly and if you are going to make any progress at all, you are going to have shelf this topic until you get some progress underneath you first.

Other times, you may notice him start to waiver on his stance and you might sense that he’s starting to see your point of view. Or he may sense that since you aren’t going to buy this excuse anyway, there’s no need to continue on with this stance.

Much of the time, you will have to watch closely to see which of the above scenarios is most accurate. And sometimes you have to realize that you don’t need to agree about this point immediately, although that should come in time. Sometimes, you are better off just worrying about where you go from here instead of how you got here (although that will eventually need to be worked through.)

Know That You Can Begin The Healing Even If You Don’t Agree On Every Variable: As I suggested, sometimes the best strategy is to try to make progress where you can. Often, as your husband sees that you just want to get your life back rather than to constantly punish him, he will realize that he has no incentive to keep playing the blame game. Often, this doesn’t happen until you begin to make a little progress. And you can’t begin to make that progress until you agree to at least some cooperation.

So you might want to make it clear to your husband that while his assertion makes you angry and that you feel it’s not accurate, you’ve decided that you just want to move forward and come back to that subject later. A suggested script may be something like: “I have to stress that I absolutely do not accept any blame in this. Regardless of the state of our marriage or of your satisfaction with it, there is never an excuse to cheat on your spouse. And I suspect that if the roles were reversed, you wouldn’t be very willing to accept any of the blame if I was the one who cheated on you. But it doesn’t appear that we are going to fully agree on this anytime soon. So I suggest that we agree to disagree on this topic for now. I suspect that we both might see things differently once we begin to rebuild our marriage and to heal. And we don’t need to agree on everything in order to do that. So let’s just place this aside from now and focus on where we go from here. Can you agree to that?”

People have told me that they feel as if this is giving in, but I disagree. Nothing says that you can’t come back to this issue later when some of the volatility wanes. And sometimes, you just have to skip an issue for a small amount of time in order to overcome it.

So while I absolutely agreed with this wife and I understood why she was angry, I also knew felt that as things got better between them, her husband might begin to take on more of the blame. Most people who cheat do know deep down that they are solely at fault. And claiming other wise is only posturing.

My husband tried to shift some of the blame onto me after his affair.  I made it very clear that I was never going to accept this excuse, but I also let it go because I wanted some progress.  After we rebuilt our marriage and the need to be so defensive was no longer there, he willingly took on all of the blame.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from cheating spouses who claim that they would literally do anything to save their marriage after their mistake.  Often, they believe that they are doing everything in their power to make this up to their spouse.  But despite their efforts, their spouse doesn’t seem to feel that it is enough.

I heard from a wife who said: “about a year and a half ago, I cheated with a male colleague.  It was essentially only a weekend affair.  It only happened because we were stuck together because of our work.  In short, it was a situational affair and I would never repeat it.  I told my husband about it immediately and since that time, I’ve done everything in my power to make this up to him.  I have offered to go to counseling but he doesn’t want to.  I try to show him affection and appreciation every chance that I get.  Often, he’s not really accepting of my affection.  If I try to compliment him, he will make a snide remark that insinuates that I don’t mean it.  The other day, I got very frustrated about this and asked him why we were still struggling in our marriage.  His response to me was that he just doesn’t truly feel loved by me.  He says it feels like I’m just going through the motions but that he’s not my true love and that I don’t feel passionate love for him.  I really don’t have any idea what more I can do to show him that I love and am committed to him.  I absolutely do love him but I don’t know how to make him believe that I actually feel this way.   What more can I do?”

This is a very common problem among couples that are trying to reconcile after infidelity.  And it is certainly understandable.  Knowing that your spouse betrayed you for someone else can make you wonder why they didn’t love you enough to be faithful but now are claiming to love you without reservation.   You could understand how they have a right to these feelings, but you must overcome this if you’re going to truly save your marriage.  I have a unique perspective on this as I was on the other side of it.  I was the faithful spouse so I know the type of things that my husband did to convince me that he truly loved me.  I will share these things below.

If Your Actions Or Words Aren’t Genuine In All Ways, Hold Back:  I think there’s an understandable inclination to try to overcompensate when you know that you have made a mistake as huge as cheating.  You know that you have a lot of making up to do so it’s only natural that you are willing to work very hard on this.  So, whether you mean to or not, you will sometimes come on a little too strongly.  You will make declarations that may seem a little insincere to the spouse who is already struggling with insecurity.  And you need to be aware of this even if everything that you are saying sounds true to your own ears.

If what you are going to say or do doesn’t seem completely spontaneous and genuine, then think about delaying it for a little while.  Don’t exaggerate or stretch the truth in any way, even if you think that you will be saying something that your spouse longs to hear.  Your spouse is probably looking for you to tell even little white lies.  They are watching very closely.  And every time you say or do something that just doesn’t ring true, this is just going to make them doubt your sincerity in every aspect of your marriage.

Understand What Your Spouse Really Wants:  I know that you might think that your spouse wants you to fall all over yourself demonstrating your remorse, but they probably don’t desire this as much as you think.  I can tell you without any doubt what I really wanted.  I just wanted my life back.  I wanted the routine that only comes with a decent degree of security.  I wanted to feel confident in my husband and in my marriage again.  So when my husband would make these sweeping, broad gestures that weren’t typical for him, it just rang false.  It made me wonder what he was trying to hide.  I much preferred him being the person who I knew was his true self.

With this said, I also wanted to see him make a genuine effort to show him that he was making every attempt to understand and accommodate my feelings.  What I wanted was to feel like he really understood me, empathized with me, and loved me anyway.  I wanted to start over and I wanted to have a better marriage this time.  But never did I want or expect my husband to grovel to be act in a way that was just weird for us.

So to answer the concern posed, much of making your spouse feel loved again is about your being genuine and about your having patience.  You need to understand that they are going to have some struggles no matter if you do everything perfectly or not.  But, despite this, the best thing that you can do is to stand beside them anyway and to make it very clear that you are around for the long haul because that is exactly where you want to be.

As I alluded to, I’m sure there were times when my own husband was at a loss about how to act around me after his affair.  But I think that over time he realized that I wanted for him to be real and I wanted a sense of normalcy back.  I didn’t want for him to walk on eggshells around me.  I wanted to be playful and close again.  And once we both realized this, we were able to turn a corner.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  It’s very common for me to hear from women who are still very concerned with the woman with whom their husband cheated.  Often, they are fully aware that they should not be thinking or worrying about her, but this is easier said than done.  Sometimes, the thoughts just pop into your head before you can help yourself and this can be true even if your husband has ended the relationship.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband became very romantically involved with his assistant.  They got so serious that he moved out of our home to go and live with her.  I guess he thought he was in love with her.  And I assume that she was just as serious about him.  Well, after living with her for about three months, my husband called me and asked if he could come back home.  He said he realized that the relationship did not have a future and he was so remorseful for jeopardizing his marriage to me.  Because of my kids and because I missed him like crazy, I took him back.  He told me that the other woman abruptly quit her job.  He said she didn’t give him any details and he has no idea where she is now or what she is doing. He said he doesn’t know how she feels about the situation and he keeps stressing that this is no longer his concern. I know she’s still at her house because I saw her car there the other night with the lights on.  The thing is, I keep wondering what she is thinking.  There are times when I don’t care about her feelings because she obviously knew that my husband was married.  And there are other times when I feel almost sorry for her because I’ve read her letters to my husband and I know that she was very invested and thought that they were going to have a future together.   My husband does not want me talking to her.  But I can’t shut down my curiosity.  Should I try to talk with her to see how she’s feeling?”

I may sound insensitive when I say this, but my answer to this question is a resounding no.   I don’t think that you have any obligation to find out about her feelings.  And I do not think that it is to your benefit to do so.  I can’t think of any scenario where having this dialog is going to be a good idea.   I do understand the curiosity though. But I think that you should distract yourself until the urge passes.  I’ll outline why I believe this below.

The Feelings Of The Other Woman Vary Depending On Many Different Factors:  Many wives ask me how the other woman generally feels when the affair is over.  I wish I could give you a concrete answer, but I can’t.  The feelings and the reaction vary greatly depending on the personality of the woman and the circumstances.  I hear from some women who greatly regret the affair and are almost relieved when it was over because they felt so guilty, they had marriages or families of their own, or they never meant to hurt anyone.  And then there are other women who become mad when the relationship ends and have a lot of trouble accepting that it is over.   There are others who are sad and who grieve when it is over because they really had some hope or some belief that the husband was going to leave his wife for good.

Her specific reaction often depends on a combination of her personality, the intensity of the relationship, and on her perception of the future of it.  Some women go into an affair knowing that nothing is ever going to come of it.  They are just looking for a diversion or an outlet and they don’t really want the husband to leave his wife.  Others picture themselves actually married to the husband eventually.  And these are going to be the women who have the strongest reactions.

I had no way of knowing which category this other woman fell into.  The wife seemed to think that she was seriously invested in the relationship.  And if this is true, then it was probably more likely that she would feel sadness or anger.  And this is unfortunate.  But she knew that the husband was a married man when she began a romantic relationship with him.  Therefore, she had to know that there was some risk that things would not end well.

Follow The Instincts That Are Telling You That Your Focus Should Be On Your Own Family:  Almost without fail, the wives who ask me questions about the other woman instinctively know that their time is better spent worrying about things or people other than this woman.  They know this in their minds but it is very hard to get their hearts to follow.  I probably don’t need to tell you that your instincts are right.  You already know this.  The more you place your focus on the other woman, the less time you have for yourself and the more power you give her.

I suspect that many of us worry about her because of fear.  We figure if we know how she’s feeling, this will give us an indication as to whether or not she’s still a threat.  But here’s the thing.  The best way to neutralize her as a threat is to strengthen your marriage so that you don’t have to worry. This is a much better plan to trying to gage how she is doing when the best strategy is to let her go and hope that she moves on.

I do understand why you are curious, but rebuilding your marriage and your family is more important right now.  I admit that I had a lot of questions about the other woman also.  But eventually I turned my attention away from her and this helped me substantially.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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