Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from faithful spouses who are more than willing to try to rebuild their marriage after their spouse’s affair.  Often though, even though their spouse says that he agrees with this, he seems to be holding something back.  While the faithful spouse is willing to set aside their pain, anger, and doubt in order to hold their family together, sometimes the cheating spouse is also making this claim but doesn’t seem to be trying all that hard to make it happen.

I heard from a wife who said: “I had suspected that my husband was cheating for months before I actually caught him.  I was pretty confident that as soon as I could prove my suspicions, he would break off the other relationship.  He doesn’t want to lose our family and he doesn’t want to have to pay me a lot of money in the event of a divorce.  So I wasn’t surprised when he asked me to work with him so that he can save our marriage.  But what has surprised me is the fact that he is holding back from me.  It’s not something that it very blatant but I feel the difference.   If you were to look at our marriage two years ago, you would see a marked difference.  When things were going well between us, my husband used to climb into bed first thing in the morning and bring me coffee.  We’d take just a few minutes to read the paper together before work.  He used to do sweet little things for me like always filling the gas in my car and leaving me sweet little notes.  He never does these things any more.  He does what I ask for the most part.  He comes home and if I ask him to take me out to dinner or to do something specific for me, then he does it.  But, he never does the little extras anymore.  He’s never spontaneously sweet to me.  Sometimes, I tell myself that I need to take the initiative and I try to reach out and be sweet to him but I almost always feel rejected.  It’s almost as if he recoils at my touch.  When I try to talk to him about this, he says that I am overreacting and that the affair has made me insecure.  I don’t think that I’m imagining this.  If we can’t get the closeness back, I’m not sure that I want to stay married.  I’m not interested in a husband in name only.  I want a husband who is crazy about me and who is actually excited about being close to me.  But this doesn’t seem to be the case anymore.  What can I do?”

This is a difficult situation because you often can’t be one hundred percent sure how accurate your perceptions are.  And, you also don’t know if things are going to improve dramatically with time.  Even so, there are some things that you can do right now and today to attempt to address this.  I will discuss them below.

Ask Yourself If Your Perceptions Are A Little Skewed Because Of What You’ve Been Through:  I never mean to place the blame with the faithful spouse.  Because I have been that person and I know that your spouse’s infidelity is in no way your fault.  However, with that said, I also know that it’s perfectly normal to begin watching your spouse’s behaviors with an eagle eye.  Essentially, you are almost waiting and watching for them to disappoint you in some way.  And you are ready to pounce and point out their every flaw when they do.

Yes, you may be right and he may be distancing himself a little bit.  But there are reasons for this which often doesn’t have anything to do with his commitment to and love for you, which leads me to my next point.

Know That His Distance May Be A Defense Mechanism:  It would nice (and somewhat just) if the cheating spouse would fall all over himself to beg for forgiveness and to strive to be the sweet, remorseful, and demonstrative spouse that we all want.  Unfortunately, he sometimes has as many doubts and fear that you have, but for different reasons.  He’s often just as fearful as rejection as you are.  In short, he knows that he has hurt you and he probably wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t give this marriage your all because of your understandable need for self preservation.

So, he’s going to want to protect himself from this rejection and this can happen whether he realizes that he is pulling back or not.  Often, he’s not conscious of the fact that he’s not allowing himself to be vulnerable or to participate in the marriage the way that he once did.  So how do you fix this?  You draw his attention to it in a loving rather than a critical way.

Addressing This Issue In A Positive Way: You deserve to address this issue so that you feel more loved and secure in the marriage.  Restoring your confidence after infidelity is difficult enough, so you really do need for him to make more of an effort.  But at the same time, you have to be careful about your tone.  If you sound critical, he’s likely to shut down even more, which is not what you want.

A suggest conversation would start with you saying something like: “I know that you probably don’t realize it, but it seems to me that you’re holding back a little bit.  It’s probably not intentional.  But I do need to bring your attention to it because I need and want the intimacy in order to feel secure.  I’ll give you some specifics so that you see what I’m talking about.  You no longer have coffee with me in the morning.  You no longer leave me notes.  I know that we’re trying to rebuild and I understand that you may be reluctant because you don’t know where you stand.  But I’m asking you to make an effort to restore the closeness.  Because I need it in order to feel secure.”

Notice that none of this sounds critical.  Instead, you’re asking for his help so that you can feel more secure, which will only benefit you both.  And giving specifics will help him to give you more of what you need.

I had to use this same strategy with my husband.  I believe that he really did want to make things right, but he didn’t know how.  Sometimes, it felt as if he truly needed a road map and I had to spell it out for him.  This annoyed me sometimes, but it also meant that he gave me what I needed.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who don’t feel that they are making sufficient progress after their spouse’s infidelity. Often, they have been told that it will get better and so they wait for the day that this becomes a reality. Only, things never seems to improve.

I heard from a wife who said: “every one told me that things will get better with time. Well, it has been eight months since my husband had his little affair. And, if anything, it has gotten worse with time, not better. My anger just grows and grows. He says that he is being faithful, but I am not sure that I believe him. He’s so chilly to me and we are not intimate very much so I feel like he must be getting his needs met somewhere. He tells me that my suspicions and lack of trust will end our marriage but I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to think. It seems as if each day feels worse than the last. What am I missing? How come it seems to get better for everyone else but not for me?”

I know that it can feel this way sometimes. In my experience, it did eventually get better. But it wasn’t always a linear journey. I might have had a good day followed by a slew of bad so that I might start to feel as if I would never make progress. But I did. And many people have the same experience. With this said, some do recover faster than others. If you’re not happy with your pace (and most of us aren’t,) there are some things that you might want to watch out for. I will discuss them below.

Understand That You Can’t Always Depend On Someone Else For Your Own Improvement: I will fully admit that healing is easier and happens more quickly if you have a spouse who gets with the program, who is remorseful, and who makes it his or her business to help you heal from a situation that was their doing in the first place. Not everyone is this lucky. Some people are having to deal with indecisive spouses or spouses who aren’t yet completely trustworthy. And sometimes when this happens, you have to accept that you can’t base your own healing on your spouse’s actions (or lack of them.) Because if you do and they are not acting as you want them to, then your own healing is going to be delayed.

To avoid this, sometimes you will need to separate you own healing from their’s. This doesn’t mean that you have to let your spouse go or give up on your marriage. It just means that until they get with the program, you will have to provide yourself with what you need. And actually, I found this to be helpful even when my husband was partially on board. While we were working on us, I was also very aggressively working on myself as an individual because I didn’t want to be dependent on someone else for my own happiness again. That’s not to say that I’m not open to being happy one day in a loving marriage, but if it’s not there yet, sometimes you have to learn that you don’t need this in order to feel whole or happy. Believe it or not, once you get to this place, it can improve your marriage. Two stronger individuals make a more solid marriage. And if he doesn’t come around, you always have the stronger version of yourself improving and healing more each day.

Know That If You Aren’t Seeing The Progress That You Want, You Actively Have To Seek It Out Until You Find What Works Best For You: Sometimes, you will try something with very good intentions and you will find that it just isn’t helping. My first attempt at counseling was like that. I was so disappointed that I was tempted to quit until experienced friends encouraged me to keep trying to find some relief until things got better. It may take more than a few stops and starts until you find that thing that helps you turn the corner. Some people love counseling and others feel as if it is akin to pulling a band aid off a fresh wound. If something is not working, find something else. But know that the worst thing that you can do is recognize that it’s not getting better and then not actively trying something new to change things.

I know that this seems like an unfair hassle but you have to remember that your best advocate is often yourself. Only you know how you really feel and what you really need. And if you don’t evaluate where you are and then ask for or seek out what you need, the unfortunate fact is that it’s possible that no one else is going to do it for you.

But on the plus side, the effort is often worth it. Because knowing that you took care of yourself is a gift. It brings about the confidence that is necessary to trust again. You often won’t know just how much better this feels until you experience it for yourself.

So to answer the concern posed, if it hasn’t yet gotten better, ask yourself what you still need that you aren’t getting. Then, ask yourself how you can provide that thing for yourself. If your spouse is on board, wonderful, then share what you need with him and ask him to take action. But if he isn’t, you don’t need him to begin the healing yourself as an individual. You can start that process on your own.

Even though my husband was on board, I did a lot of work on myself as an individual.  I actually think this was more helpful to me than the work I did on my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are torn between the need for physical reassurance after their husband’s affair and of the feeling that they are unsure about wanting affection from a man who cheated on them. And yet, some of them admit that they needn’t have worried about this in the first place because their husband isn’t being overly affectionate anyway, even though he’s sometimes claiming that he wants to save the marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “about four weeks ago, my husband admitted to an affair but told me that it had been over for weeks. I don’t know the other woman. Apparently he met her on a business trip and she lives about 45 minutes away so it’s not as if I’ll have to see her all of the time. It’s a positive thing that she won’t be in our lives. But even without her presence, we’re struggling. My husband is telling me with words that he wants to save our marriage and that I’m the most important thing to him, but his physical actions say otherwise. He never tries to hug or kiss me. He never reaches out to me. The other night, I told him that I really needed to feel desired by him because his actions leave me wondering if he has lost his desire for me. He says that this isn’t the case, but admitted that he holds back physically because he’s afraid of rejection. It’s as if he’s waiting for me to show affection to him first. I am resisting this because I’m the one who was wronged. Why should I have to be the one to approach and reassure him? There’s something very backward about that. He should be the one offering physical reassurance to me. What can I do about this?”

This situation isn’t an uncommon one. And both people here are reacting to insecurities and to the fear of being rejected. The wife took her husband’s lack of affection as an indication that he was no longer physically attracted to her. Many wives take this a step farther and will theorize that he cheated because she no longer attracted him sexually. But, frankly, if you were to ask the husband about this, he will usually deny it and tell you that the truth is just the opposite of this, which leads me to my next point.

He’s Often Telling You The Truth When He Admits That He Fears Your Rejection: I have many husbands comment about this on my blog. Many of them want to give you physical affirmation and reassurance, but they hesitate because they think that you don’t want it. They believe that it will make you angry because you might think things like “well he must think  that we can pick up right where we left off. How dare he try to be intimate with me right now.” Or they will theorize that you will think that they want to have sex at just about any time regardless of the circumstances. In short, they often fear that you are going to recoil at their touch or at the very least question their motives.

So they wait for you to make the first move to signal that it’s OK for the two of you to exchange physical reassurances. And in the meantime, you are often waiting for him to do the same. So no one gets what they are hoping for and both people are assuming that the other one is rejecting them for very different reasons. This doesn’t do anything to make the situation better which is why I believe honest and open communication is vital.

How To Tell Him That You Need For Him To Put His Fear Of Rejection Aside: Obviously, if things continued on this way, this couple’s marriage could potentially get worse and deteriorate more. So I encouraged the wife to speak up. Understandably, she didn’t think it was fair that she was the one who had to take the initiative.  And although she was right about this, if someone didn’t take the lead, the pain and uncertainty was going to continue.

So I suggested that when they were both calm and receptive, she might say something like: “I know that you’ve told me that you aren’t reaching out because you fear my rejection, but I need for you to make the effort anyway. Because when you don’t, I can’t help but assume that you don’t want me and aren’t attracted to me. I can’t promise you that there won’t be days when I won’t be as receptive to your touch as others, but I need for you to try just the same. It isn’t my intention to reject you and I need that physical reassurance.”

And when your husband makes an attempt to comply, do your best to be as receptive as is appropriate for you. Sure, you may not be ready to pick up an intense sexual relationship until you’ve healed from the infidelity. But with a little honestly and communication, you can still get that physical affirmation at a level where you are both comfortable. Because if no one is reaching out, then the doubts remain and things typically only deteriorate more from there.

Touch and intimacy can be very difficult after infidelity.  That’s why it’s so important to keep the communication open.  It took me a long time to realize this after my own husband’s affair.  But once we started talking, our physical relationship improved.  If if helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who are very upset that the other woman with whom their husband cheated is still trying to be involved in the couple’s lives.  Often, one way that she will attempt to do this is to claim that the affair is still going on or that she knows something that the wife doesn’t know.  This puts the wife in an awful position because although she wants to trust and believe in her husband, she’s already on shaky ground and she starts to wonder who (or what) she can believe when she doesn’t understand what motive there would be to lie.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair with a woman who works in the same office as him, but not for the same company.  They rode the same train to work and apparently struck up a conversation and eventually a relationship.  As soon as I found out about it, my husband promised to break it off.  I now drive my husband to work even though its a huge inconvenience so that he isn’t stuck on the train with her.  I haven’t noticed any strange behavior on his part.  He comes right home from work and we have been spending many evenings in counseling.  Things had been looking up until I started getting emails from the other woman claiming that the affair is still going on.  She says it hasn’t ended and that my husband is still interested in her.  I have no idea what to think.  On the one hand, I know that he is driving to work every morning with me.  I also know that he is coming right home.  So the only opportunity he would have to carry on an affair is maybe during his lunch hour.  But he often calls me daily during it.  So, if this is an affair, then it isn’t much of one or it’s not one where he’s putting a lot of time and effort into it.  Why would she be staying that they’re still in a cheating relationship when the facts say that they’re not?”

There are several reasons that she will play these types of games.  I will discuss some of them below.

In Rare Cases, She May Be Trying To Tell You The Truth:  I am coming right out with these reason because I want to get it out of the way.  I don’t think that it’s as likely as some of the other reasons because the wife was keeping such close tabs on her husband.  But sometimes, although she is acting out of spite, she is also telling the truth.  Sometimes the other woman just can’t resist giving full disclosure because she hopes that by doing so, the wife will kick the husband out or become angry and give the other woman easier access to him.  Again, I didn’t think this was the most likely scenario here, but I felt that I needed to mention the possibility.

She May Be Trying To Hurt You Both: Often, the other women is hurt when the husband breaks it off.  She often feels a sense of betrayal.  And sometimes, she feels as if she has been lied to.  Perhaps she believed that the relationship actually meant something to the husband and now he is throwing it all away without a second thought.  Not only that, but now he gets to go back to his wife while she is left with nothing.  So you can see where she might be somewhat angry and vengeful.  So making you think that the affair is still going on accomplishes two things for her.  First, it gives you doubt.  She knows that you will likely angrily confront your husband and accuse him of something only because she planted the seed.

She may also know that even though your husband is going to attempt to assure you that it’s really over, that seed of doubt has already been planted and you are still going to have doubts. So she’s succeeded in getting some revenge by creating problems.  And she knows that this will cause you both pain.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t continue to call and make these claims. If this happens, I would advocate changing your number or blocking hers.

How To Handle This:  It was really up to this wife as to whether or not she wanted to find some credibility in this woman’s claims or not.  It was clear that if the affair was still going on, there was very little spare time that the husband could contribute to it.  This wife might chose to just discard what the woman was saying but to watch her husband more closely.  This would be my choice.  I would use the information as a sort of heads up but I would doubt it unless I saw evidence of it from my husband.

The other option is to confront your husband and to demand that he tell you his version.  My bet would be that he would deny any wrongdoing.  He was invested in saving his marriage and he likely wasn’t going to let this woman jeopardize that.

The other alternative is to tell him about the phone call in a non accusatory way.  This will let him know that the other woman is being vengeful. But, it doesn’t cause any huge problems so it thwarts her plan. And you can certainly keep a closer eye on him if you still feel it’s necessary.

Perhaps that you can tell that I think you should take any of the other woman’s claims with a grain of salt.  She sometimes has motivations to try to make you feel hurt and doubt.  And she should be the least of your worries.  Your attention should be on your healing and on your recovery.  If it helps, you can read a story of recovery on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from folks who are really struggling with their marriage after infidelity. Often, despite their best efforts, there are leftover issues that are whittling away at the marriage. It’s normal for the faithful spouse to still feel angry and resentful. Unfortunately, this can make the cheating spouse feel as if they will never be able to make up for the infidelity no matter what they do.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me with a mutual female friend of ours. To say that I was furious was an understatement. At first, I kicked my husband out of the house and I cut off all contact with him. I didn’t want anything to do with him whatsoever. He made a huge pest of himself, calling and coming by and begging me to give him one more chance. This went on for months. I finally relented mostly because of my children. Slowly, I began to talk to him. And eventually, I let him move back in. I can’t say that our marriage is a good one. I’m still very angry and it certainly shows. I find myself making negative and nasty comments about my husband. I find myself thwarting his advances. My children have relationships with him but I really don’t. Our sex life in nonexistent. The other day, my husband asked me why I took him back if I don’t want a real marriage. He said that he thinks I allowed him to come back just to seek revenge on him. He said that he thinks that my real goal is to just make him miserable and to make him pay. He says it’s clear that his future life is going to be unhappy because I am going to make it so. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I can’t deny that I am not even remotely pleasant to him, but he doesn’t deserve my kindness and I’m still very angry. I don’t consciously feel like I’m trying to punish him or to seek revenge but I certainly don’t go out of my way to make things good between us. Is it possible that I only took him back to seek revenge? Because at this point, I don’t know what to think or to feel.”

As a wife who has struggled to recover after her husband’s affair, I know that it’s very common to have underlying anger and resentment, even when you don’t mean to. You’re constantly on the look out for his flaws. You’re constantly waiting for him to mess up. And sometimes, you’re almost hoping that he does so that you can lash out at him. I am not sure why this happens, except for the fact that it’s probable that you still have some healing to do. But I do know that this type of situation is not healthy for you. It may seem as if he is the one being punished, but in actuality, living with this type of anger and negative outlook actually hurts you too.

Why Negative Pay Backs Hurt You As Much As They Hurt Him: It’s totally normal to want revenge. When someone hurts you very badly, it’s just human nature to want to strike back and to make them feel what you feel. But you need to be aware that when you do this, all that you are really doing is unleashing negativity that hurts you too.  You are flinging the pain right back onto yourself. I know that you might doubt this. But I know from experience that it is true.

Once I turned my attention away from negative feelings of anger and revenge and turned it toward my own healing, I began to feel much better. Sometimes, you literally have to force yourself to do this. When you begin to feel anger toward him, you have to literally and consciously direct yourself to do something conductive that will help you rather than to hurt him. If you can make a habit of doing this, then I’m relatively certain that you will begin to feel your anger diminish.

Backing Off Of Trying To Make Him Sorry Will Actually Make Him More Remorseful: I honestly think that somewhere inside of us, we want to make him miserable because we want him to be sorry or to be remorseful. But when we are nasty or vengeful, we actually make this less likely. He will have an easier time justifying his actions because of our behavior and he will think things like “no wonder I had to cheat on her because she’s so negative and abrasive to me.” This makes it easier for him to justify his actions. I’m not saying that you don’t have the right to be angry or to want revenge. You do. But I am also telling you that obviously seeking revenge makes you less likely to get what you really want.

I’d strongly suggest focusing on your own healing to see if this lessens your need for revenge. Often, when you begin to feel better, you will no longer worry so much about punishing him and you will realize that moving forward is more beneficial to you than revenge would ever be.

Finally, sometimes you’ll find that you just aren’t sure if you’re ready to let go of your anger. In that case, you have to realize that the anger hurts you so much more than it helps you. It may feel as if it’s insulating you from the pain or is acting as protective barrier, but it’s actually just the opposite. Because most of the time, the anger is what is keeping you from true and lasting recovery.

Believe me when I saw that I’m not being judgmental.  I completely understand the anger and the lashing out.  But I know from experience that it keeps you stuck and it slows your healing.  And when this happens, you’re can’t move forward and the anger will remain.  It’s a vicious cycle that it’s your interest to end.  Once I realize this, things changed for me.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are overwhelmed to learn that their spouse has been unfaithful.  Sometimes, they just can not picture any scenario in which things could ever be right again.  They can’t imagine what life will be like now.  And many see just taking flight as an attractive option.

I heard from a woman who said: “I feel so humiliated right now.  I found out two days ago that my husband has been cheating on me with his assistant.  And now I’ve just talked to one of my husband’s coworkers who admitted to me that everyone at the office knew about the affair and that it had been going on for months.  I feel like an idiot because I had no idea.  I didn’t have any suspicions whatsoever.  I thought we were happy.  Although I don’t work in my husband’s office, I do go by there all of the time.  I’m very involved with what is going on there.  Many of my friends work with my husband.  I’m embarrassed that all of my friends know about this.  And, if I’m being honest, I feel like just packing my bags and leaving it all  behind.  Before my husband and I were married, I lived in a different part of the country where I was very happy.  I had a job that I loved and I had lots of friends.  When we got married, I left to live with my husband in our current city.  Now that I see that my marriage has been a farce, I’m tempted to buy a plane ticket and go back to where I belong.  I know I could get my old job and my old apartment back.  I told a couple of my friends about this and they say that I am making a snap decision that I might later regret.  Am I wrong to just want to run away?”

Believe me when I say that I understand the inclination to want to get away.  Especially when the infidelity is fresh, it can feel as if your whole life is ruined and that you will need to start completely over in order to begin to rebuild.  And, sometimes, getting some distance does help.  With that said though, I don’t think that running away is always the best decision.  I will tell you why in the following article.

If You Run Away, You Can’t Get Closure And You Close Off The Possibility Of Rehabilitation:  I understand believing that your marriage can’t ever recover.  Many people feel very strongly that infidelity is a deal breaker.  I initially felt the same way.  I did end up saving my marriage, but in the beginning I didn’t want anything to do with my husband.

The point that I’m trying to make is that sometimes in the early stages, it’s very hard to envision a future where things are better.  But, even if you chose to leave your husband and to rebuild your life, you will need healing and you will need closure.  If you just run away and you don’t have the opportunity to discuss this any further or to get the answers that you need, then you can’t possibly get this needed closure and peace of mind.  And you may well take this pain and this injury into your future relationships.

Temporarily Getting Away Can Be A Good Idea:  I didn’t want to discourage this woman from going to where she would feel supported and loved.  I felt it might be healthy to go back to where she had friends and supportive people who loved her.  There is nothing wrong with taking refuge to where you feel best.  Buying a plane ticket and spending time with friends and loved ones wasn’t a bad idea.  This might have given her some distance and perspective and she could certainly use the support.

But making a huge life decision like moving your entire life and cutting off all ties with your current friends and your support group is very drastic.  It’s not a decision that should be made lightly or in only one day.  So while I advocate taking some time away. I’m not sure I would advocate uprooting your whole life so suddenly.

Sure, you may eventually decide to move away and to start over, after you’ve had enough time to evaluate all factors. But how can you know that this is the right decision until you have the time to process this?  I believe that knee jerk responses carry some risk.  And that appeared to be the case here.

So to answer the concern posed, I understand just wanting to run away.  But I don’t think it’s always the best idea, at least initially.  While getting away for a little while can offer some relief and some perspective, I think that running away is a rushed decision that could prevent you from getting the closure that you might eventually need so that the pain of this doesn’t end up following you to where you think you’re running to.

Believe me when I say that I wanted to flee after my husband’s affair.  I guess what was different in my case was the community in which my children were members.  I didn’t want to uproot my kids.  I did stay with family for a while but eventually, it became clear that I belonged in the place where my children lived their lives.  We did eventually save our marriage but this is a very personal decision and it’s not he right decision for every one.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from women with very understandable, but very serious, trust issues that they are struggling to overcome.  Most of the time, their suspicions are justified but sometimes they are overly sensitive to any uncomfortable twinges because of infidelity in their past.

I heard from a wife who said: “three years ago, I noticed that my husband was spending a lot of time outside of work communicating with a female coworker.  When I confronted him about this, he admitted that their relationship might be slightly inappropriate and promised that he would stop.  I had a nagging little feeling that he wasn’t telling me the whole story so I looked on his phone texts and emails. I discovered that what he said was slightly inappropriate was actually an emotional affair.  I went to see the other woman and she swore that my husband broke it off and that nothing physical ever happened.  Since that time, we have had a decent marriage.  I love him very much.  And I believe that he loves me.  The problem is that I always get the feeling that I can’t trust him.  I get that nagging little feeling that I got with the emotional affair.   A couple of times, I have followed up on these feelings and have checked up on him, but I haven’t found any signs of infidelity this time.  My ex fiance cheated on me also and I suppose I am just hyper sensitive.  But the feeling won’t go away.  What can I do?”

This is an extremely common situation. Suspicion is very hard to shake once you have been the victim of infidelity because you never want to be caught unaware again.  But as understandable and as common as this is, it can be very damaging to your recovering marriage if you are wrong.  A man who is going out of his way to be transparent and trustworthy might be very hurt when you still do not trust him when he’s worked so hard to make this right.  So accusing him based on a hunch is often a very bad idea.  I will discuss some alternatives below.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Keeping A Close Eye On Him, But Don’t Accuse If You Don’t Know For Sure: I know that sometimes these nagging little feelings can almost make you feel absolutely sure that something is wrong.  But this wife admitted that sometimes she followed up on her suspicions and found nothing.  I don’t think that there is anything wrong with checking up if you feel that you need to.  But, you don’t want to start accusing him on just a feeling that you have.  Because very often, our hunches are the result of the insecurity that is part of the aftermath of the affair.  When you have been hurt in this way, you often notice every little thing and sometimes, you actually see things that are not there.

With that said, so many wives tell me that nagging little feeling ended up being absolutely right.  So I can’t and won’t tell you that you should ignore your feelings. I don’t believe that you should.  But I also believe (and know from experience) that sometimes our suspicions are the result of the damage that the infidelity has caused and they cause us to overreach and to suspect things that just aren’t true.  And this sometimes leads us to damage the marriage that we have worked so hard to save.

Determining If Your Suspicions Mean You Have More Healing To Do:  I don’t want to address this concern by telling you that this is in any way your fault.  Because it most certainly is not.  But sometimes, when this type of doubt shows itself, it can indicate that you still have some work to do on restoring the trust or intimacy in the marriage.  Because I know from experience that if you and your husband were totally clicking, were happy, and were completely in sync once more, then you may not have these doubts.

The other possibility is that your husband has developed a habit of being secretive and defensive as a result of all the questions that came after the initial infidelity.  This is common also. And this is often fixed by just being honest with him and telling him in a non accusatory way that he could help you to feel more secure by being more transparent.  A suggested script would be something like: “I know that you want me to be happy and that you want our marriage to be a good one.  You could help me by being more transparent and by checking in more.  I realize that I have trust issues.  But I’m asking for your help in minimizing them.  If you would check in more and try not to be secretive, this would greatly help me.”

Feel free to add specifics if there are certain behaviors that fuel your suspicions.  Often, this discussion will help.  If it doesn’t then that’s more information that you have in order to evaluate if your feelings are valid.

I had these types of suspicions for a long time after my husband’s affair.  They turned out to be untrue and, as I healed, they eventually went away.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are trying their very best to save their marriage despite their husband’s recent affair.  In my not so objective opinion, it takes a lot of courage to have that kind of faith and determination in spite of that kind of unbearable betrayal and pain.  I know from experience that it isn’t easy.  Still, many of these wives are hoping for the best and are putting their most determined effort into play.  But, they usually have some deep down doubts that cause them to move very slowly and to hold back somewhat.

I heard from a wife who said; “I’m not going to pretend that I’m not floored by husband’s affair.  Some mornings, I wake up and I still can not believe that this is my life.   It hurts more than I ever anticipated.  Still, I do not want to end up divorced.  I still love this man and I have our children to think about.  I believe that marriage is forever no matter what difficulties you face.  I am in this for the long haul.  We are trying very hard to rebuild.  I can tell that my husband really wants for it to work and I know that the same is true for me.  However, I still worry about the long term effects of the affair.  The other day, I was talking to one of my girlfriends and she reluctantly told me that she didn’t know one couple who stayed together after infidelity.  She said that despite their admirable efforts,  all of the couples eventually split up because of the stress of the affair.  She said that either the trust doesn’t return. the cheating spouse gets tired of all of the suspicion, or the faithful spouse resents the other.  At first, I was mad at my friend for even saying this.  But once I calmed down, I realized that she was only trying to be honest with me and, frankly, I’ve worried about the things she told me.  So is it true?  Will my husband’s affair end my marriage?”

Obviously, I can’t see into the future.  But I can tell you from experience that an affair does not have to end your marriage. Affairs do end many marriages.  But, many marriages survive and some actually improve.  This is not an easy process.  There are times when you will have to fight for your marriage when it may be easier to walk away.  There will be days when you feel that you are being taken advantage of. There may be days when you find your suspicions are in overdrive. And you may worry for a while that your spouse is going to one day cheat again.  But, if you can get through the very difficult early days, things very often get much better.   And if you are willing to do the work even when it’s difficult, you can end up with a marriage that not only is not ending, but is improving in many ways.  I’ll discuss this more below.

You Both Have To Be Willing To Look Behind Doors That You’d Rather Leave Closed:  As hurtful as taking a harsh look at your marriage may seem, it’s the only way to know for sure that you have repaired your relationship so that you have safeguarded it in the future.  You have to be willing to uncover what went wrong and what left you vulnerable. This means that you both have to willing to take a very honest (and sometimes hurtful) look at your marriage and determine what might have contributed to the affair.  This is not easy.  It’s very normal to become defensive and to want to look the other way.  But you can’t.  Because if you don’t very bluntly stare your issues right in the face, then you may worry that they may resurface one day and that the infidelity may happen again.  Knowing that you have identified and dealt with every single problem that might cause is future problems is the only way to feel confident about moving forward.  And feeling confident is vital to your future success.

You Have To Be Willing To Communicate Honestly Even If It’s More Comfortable Not To:  If I’m being honest, I can tell you that I think that most affairs happen as a result of a breakdown of communication.  Many people will tell you that it’s due to a breakdown of sex, but I disagree.  Because if more spouses would just have an honest discussion about the sex, then the lack of sex isn’t truly the problem.  It’s the fact that rather than honestly discussing any problems or shortcomings with their spouse, the dissatisfied person stays silent but attempts to get their needs met somewhere else.

But, if you both learn to be completely honest even when it’s painful, then so many of the danger zones that come before the affair can be avoided.  Not only that, but open communication helps with the resentment after the affair.

If your spouse isn’t giving you what you think you need, speak up.  Many faithful spouses assume that their spouse should “just know” what they need.  And this is often how resentment starts.  If you get in the habit or regularly checking in very honestly, then you can avoid many of the pitfalls that come before and after affairs.

So to answer the question posed, while I couldn’t see into the future, I also knew that the husband’s affair didn’t necessarily mean the end of this wife’s marriage.  Some marriages do end as the result of infidelity but many do not.  The real concern should be how good and stable your marriage will be in the aftermath.  Sure, anyone can stay together and  be miserable and unhappy.  But you deserve more than this.

I know that I’ve made this process sound difficult and not much fun. But the rewards are definitely there. If you would have told me right after my husband’s affair that I would still be happily married today, I never would have believed you.  But, that is the reality because we worked very hard to make it so.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who don’t feel very good about themselves when they are still with a man who cheated on them.  Before the infidelity happened or was discovered, many wives were sure that they would be out of the marriage immediately should any infidelity ever occur.  However, sometimes the reality is much different than you may have originally assumed.  And this leaves you wondering if something is wrong with you or if you are making the wrong choice.

I heard from a wife who said: “my first husband cheated on me and this caused an immediate divorce. So my current husband was fully aware that if he so much as even acted inappropriately around another woman, this was going to be cause for the end of our marriage without any questions asked.  I was always very clear on the fact that I would not tolerate infidelity even for a minute.  Well, sure enough I just found out last week that my husband had a short affair with one of his childrens’ teachers shortly after we were married.  I just found out about it and we have been married for five years without my knowing that anything was wrong. He swears that it’s long been over and he has already made an appointment for counseling.  He is falling over himself to apologize and to ask me to consider how good of a husband he has been for the past five years.  I packed my bags that first night.  He cried and begged me not to leave.  By the time we had finished hashing it out, I was so tired that I stayed.  The next day, he came home with an appointment for a counselor.  On that same day, one of my kids asked me not to leave because he didn’t want to move. So I agreed to stay another week. Now here I am two months later and I am still here.  My husband has made good on his counseling promises.  He seems sincere.  If I’m being honest, I have to admit that he has been a good husband except for that one awful indiscretion.  Still, I feel like something must be wrong with me.  What type of woman stays with a man who cheats? And what kind of woman attracts two men who cheat?”

I could certainly identify with what this wife was experiencing.  And I could sympathize.  I too use to wonder what was wrong with me, since I didn’t just immediately leave my husband.  Although I did send him to stay with friends for a couple of days so that I could process my feelings, we never truly separated over the infidelity.  And yet, I had always been very outspoken about the fact that any infidelity would mean an immediate divorce. Yet, when the reality challenged my claims, I didn’t make good on them.

And I had serious internal conflicts about that.  I wondered if I suffered from low self esteem or if I was too scared to be on my own.  I dodged questions from friends and family who challenged my decision to stay and insinuated that they would have made another choice. I struggled with this for quite awhile until I finally decided that every one has to right to reevaluate their decisions at the appropriate time. It was, after all, my life and I was the only one who needed to be happy with my decisions.  It was up to me to determine what was the right choice for myself and my family at the time of the decision.  And it was otherwise no one else’s business.  I came to understand that there wasn’t anything wrong with me.  I was just doing the best that I could and, frankly, I’ve never regretted my decisions because we were able to make it work to everyone’s benefit.

I don’t believe there is anything wrong with not wanting to start over when your spouse  has already proven himself to be a wonderful partner despite that one mistake.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking the health and happiness of your family into account.  After all, you are often not making a decision that is going to affect just yourself.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with choosing to give someone you love the benefit of the doubt until they give you a reason not to.  And I don’t see a problem with trusting that the human spirit has the ability to heal with the right resources and support.

So to answer the question posed, I didn’t think there was a thing in the world wrong with this wife.  She was giving the man she loved the benefit of the doubt because he had always shown himself to be a superior husband in the past until very recently. And, he promised rehabilitation and had delivered so far.  She could always change her mind if she needed to.  But for now, she just wanted to stay put and see if the marriage could be saved.  And I truly don’t see anything wrong with that.

As I alluded to, my husband and I survived his affair. Our family is still very much intact and I’m glad I stuck it out because we have moved past it.  If it helps you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are in the unfortunate situation of sharing information with the woman with whom their husband has been cheating.  Often, the other woman has contacted the wife but sometimes, it is the other way around. Sometimes, whether it is intentional or not, they end up comparing notes.  And this is when it can appear that the husband is making the same claims to two different women, only one of whom is his wife.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair with a coworker who I know casually because she has been in his office for years.  My husband told me about the affair himself and assured me that he had ended it.  Yesterday, when I saw on my husband’s office number on the caller ID, I assumed that it was my husband calling, but it wasn’t.  It was the other woman.  She said she was calling to tell me that my husband was still pursuing her no matter what he was telling me.  I told her that I was ending the conversation, because we were going to save our marriage.  I very directly told her that I wanted her out of our lives.  She told me that she is not going to be out of my life because my husband told her just last night that he was in love with her and wasn’t going to let her go.  Well, that’s all very interesting because just last night and this morning he told me how much he loved me and how much he was going to make all of this up to me. So now I don’t know what to think.”

This was obviously a very difficult situation.  And if the other woman was telling the truth, then the couple was going to need to have a very serious discussion.  But notice that I said if the other woman was telling the truth because I don’t think that you should automatically take what she says as fact.

Why The Other Woman Might Have An Incentive To Lie: Since you weren’t there, you can’t know what actually happened.  Only two people know what really happened when the husband supposedly broke it off.  And both have their own motivations in regards to the story that they present to the wife.  The husband supposedly wanted to save his marriage, so he was going to slant his story toward that goal.

But, let’s think about what the other woman potentially wants.  She may be fine with the affair ending and she may not.  If she’s not, then she might be interested in causing problems.  One way she might do this is to create doubt for the wife.  Because she might figure that if she can cause problems for this couple, then perhaps the wife will kick the husband out or maybe the marriage will struggle.  Either one of these things will make it more likely that the husband will resume the affair. That’s why I don’t advocate communicating with the other woman or listening to what she says.

How To Approach Your Husband About This:  I know that it’s very tempting to immediately start yelling at your husband the moment he walks in the door.  You might want to tell him that the reconciliation is off since he wants to pursue both of you.  But, before you do that, vow to hear his side of the story.  Again, the other woman may have an interest in creating problems for the two of you.  It’s not guaranteed that she is telling you the truth.

A suggested script might be something like: “I got an unfortunate phone call today.  I saw your office number and thought it was you so I picked up.  But it wasn’t you.  It was the other woman and she had something very interesting to tell me even though I tried very hard to break off the conversation.  She told me that just last night, you told her that you were in love with her and that you were still pursuing her.  I find this very interesting because you’re saying the same thing to me.  Is she telling me the truth? Because if this is true, we’re going to need to reevaluate.  I can’t try to reconcile with you if you’re telling another woman that you are in love with her.  So, what’s the real story? I think that we also need to talk about ways that you can distance yourself from her at work.  I don’t want her to continue to call.”

I can’t promise that your husband is going to be completely honest at this point.  Hopefully, he will.  But he will know that you will be watching him very closely and will be paying particularly close attention to his sincerity and to his behaviors.

Also, you might want to consider changing your phone number if this continues on.  The other woman was still obviously somewhat invested and she might not just give up willingly.  You might also want to ask your husband for his cell phone and email information so that you can make sure they aren’t communicating.  You do want to check up, but you do not want to become obsessed with this.  Because again, there are no guarantees that she is telling the truth.  And, in time, it will usually become apparent where his loyalties truly lie.

It’s so unfortunate when the other woman has to make an already difficult situation even worse.  Always remember that it is your husband with whom you should be dealing. At the end of the day, you want her out of your life.  So don’t give her an invitation into it. Your focus should be your own healing and your marriage (if you still want to save it.)  And I know that might seem impossible right now, but I promise it isn’t.  If it helps, you can read about my own healing after my husband’s infidelity on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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