Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who truly do want to save their marriage after they made the mistake of cheating or having an affair, but they aren’t sure if this is going to be possible because of a change that has taken place within them.

I heard from a wife who said: “I know that infidelity is wrong. And if you would have told me two years ago that I would have had an affair, I would have called you a liar. I reconnected with an old boyfriend at a high school reunion. It’s an old cliche but that is what happened. When I was with the other man, I also reconnected with a lot of friends from high school. I started to go out just to relax and have a good time, which is something that I hadn’t done in years. I’m primarily a wife and mother and I have to admit that I live for my family. I consider my most important job making sure that my children grow up to be good and productive people. So, I give everything that I have to every one else and there’s very little left over for myself. I guess that’s why the affair and the other man appealed to me so much. When I was with him, I felt free. I felt like a different person. And I very much liked who I became when I was with him. Of course, my husband found out about the affair and he told me if I didn’t break it off immediately, he would fight me for custody of my children. I didn’t need for him to threaten me, I would have broken it off on my own. I never wanted to break up my family, mostly for the sake of my children. My husband and I are trying very hard to make it work. I don’t know if I would handle it as well as he has if the roles had been reversed. He’s angry, but to his credit, he puts that aside to try to work things out. The problem is that the affair changed me somehow. I feel restless and bored. I feel like I have to go back to being the same boring person now. I feel like I have to put everyone else’s life ahead of my own and that I’ll never be that happy go lucky person I had come to really love. Can my marriage make it if the affair has changed me?”

This is a very common concern. I often hear from people who say that the affair showed them what was missing in their life. They will often say that the affair made them feel more “alive” and that they don’t want to give up this sense of excitement even though many want to save their marriage.

As the spouse who was on the other side of the affair, I haven’t experienced this first hand but I do understand it. And, I think that you don’t have to give up the new aspects of your personality just to save your marriage. In fact, if you attempt to, your marriage might fail because you will feel that you are giving something up for your spouse and you should not feel that way. Instead, you need to look at it as if you are gaining something.

Your Spouse May Be Receptive To Changing Your Life So That You’re Both More Content: Whether you realize it or not, your spouse likely wants for the both of you to be happy. Your spouse likely realizes that if you’re not happy or if you’re feeling restless, then you are more likely to cheat again, and no one wants this.

The real secret to all of this is to involve your spouse in your new quest for excitement. Nothing says that you can’t involve your spouse in this new aspect of your life. Perhaps your spouse also feels a lack of excitement in his own life. He may welcome any suggestion that you may have.

How To Make The Request For Change Without Any Hurt Feelings: Many spouses tell me that they are afraid of hurting their spouses feelings or of sounding dissatisfied or critical if they voice their concerns. I can tell you that I would rather my husband be honest with me than to continue to feel unhappy and to risk repeat cheating.

I believe that there’s a way to approach this without sounding critical. A suggested script might be something like: “I’m happy that we seem to be making progress in our marriage. I am committed to making sure our marriage is as strong as it can be and that we are both happy and secure. How would you feel about scheduling some time away from the kids? I think it’s important that we have fun together alone. I’d like to go out with friends sometimes or just relax other times without our lives revolving around being parents. You know that I love our children more than anything and that being a parent is my highest priority. But I want our marriage and being a whole individual to be a priority also. We need to charge our batteries. And we need to have fun alone. I want to live with a sense of excitement and anticipation. How do you feel about this? And can you share with me what might make you more happy?”

In this way, you are inviting your spouse to negotiate. You’re offering to do whatever it takes to make them happy and you’re hoping that they will reciprocate. Notice that nothing in this script sounded accusatory and I never focused on the fact that the wife had changed. I merely stressed the fact that she wanted fun in her life and she wanted that fun to be with her husband. In this way, it’s a winning situation for both parties.

I would like to think that I would have reacted favorably if my husband had come to me with this request.  Part of successfully rehabilitating your marriage after infidelity is making sure that every one is happy and that no one is secretly restless or resentful.  This is sometimes easier said than done, but it’s very important.  If it helps, you read about our recovery on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Forgiveness after an affair is a huge milestone that not everyone is able to offer. Many choose to forgive in order to free themselves from the anger and despair that the aftermath of infidelity often brings. But some are disappointed to find that even after forgiveness, they still don’t feel exactly the same way about their spouse.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had a six month long affair with his ex fiancé. This nearly destroyed our marriage and our family. For the longest time, I couldn’t even stand to look at my husband, much less try to work things out with him. He lived with his parents for a while. But over time, I saw how much this hurt my children and so I felt compelled to give him a chance. Once we began to work on our relationship, I decided that I wanted to offer him forgiveness just because my constant anger was hurting me more than it was hurting him. I wanted to put all of the anger down because carrying it was such a heavy burden. And, I did feel better once I forgave him. There was a real sense of relief and I was hopeful that our family would recover. It’s been four months since this time, and I’m starting to have doubts. I find myself no longer feeling the same way about my husband. I admitted this to him the other day and he didn’t understand because he said he thought I forgave him. I do forgive him. But that doesn’t mean that his affair didn’t damage our marriage or change the way that I feel about him. I find myself noticing his every flaw. I find myself criticizing him in my own mind. I still want to save my marriage, but I have no idea if it’s going to be possible. I’m not sure that I want to be married to someone who I’m no longer in love with and who I don’t respect. Do the feelings ever come back? Are are they gone for good?”

While there’s no way for me to predict the future (as a marriage’s recovery is based on many factors,) I could tell this wife that the feelings can and do return if you are eventually able to heal and you have some patience. This doesn’t happen for every wife or for every marriage, but it happens to many. I will discuss this more below.

Sometimes, You Try To Get The Feelings To Return By Based Upon A Marriage That Is No Longer The Same: Probably one of the more common questions that I am asked is some variation on “when is my marriage going to get back to normal?” Or “when are things going to feel the way that they were?” These questions are often based on the assumption that you’re going to have the same marriage that you had before. It’s my experience that an affair or infidelity changes your marriage in some way. This doesn’t always have to be devastating. In some aspects, an affair can shake up your marriage and even improve it in some ways.  So your marriage may not be the same, but sometimes, it’s better.  And, I think that the couples who accept that they will have a new marriage (and that it’s up to them to make it stronger and better) recover more quickly and in a more meaningful way.

This is also applicable when you’re relying on your same marriage to restore the same feelings. You may have to accept that you will have to make new memories and have new experiences. In some ways, you have to rebuild from scratch because you are rebuilding the trust and the intimacy and reforming the foundations of the relationship all over again.

This is a time when things can feel different and foreign. And this can be true even if you still love your spouse or are committed to your marriage. Your relationship has just been dealt a very hefty blow. It is normal to feel this way.  A natural reaction to pain is insecurity and doubt.

Try To Focus On The Things That Will Help To Restore The Feelings. But Don’t Rush It And Get Help If You Need It: Sometimes couples get in the habit of wanting to constantly talk about what went wrong before and after the affair. And fixing your problems is something that you should not ignore. But, at the same time, you want to give your marriage the opportunity to not buckle under the weight of all of the negativity. You have to balance working on your problems with rediscovering one another with fun activities that allow you to bond and to create new memories that are distinctly yours.

Unfortunately, you can’t rush this process. No matter how committed you are, recovery just takes patience, time, and effort. It takes time to see that your spouse is so sincere, trustworthy, and transparent so that it feels safe to feel loving toward them again.

Many times, I think that the feelings are slow to return because we build walls around ourselves because we fear being hurt again. Once the trust is restored, you’re often more willing to be open and vulnerable again.  And, when this happens you might find that the feelings are returning.

Finally, there is no shame in getting help if you feel that you’ve been more than patient and still aren’t seeing sufficient progress. Counseling does help some couples. Self help aids others. And, some find that they just need more time.

But to answer the question posed, yes, sometimes the feelings can be delayed even with forgiveness. And yes, they do sometimes come back, even if they do feel a little different at first.

I will admit that I struggled with my feelings about my marriage and for my husband after his infidelity.  It took a while to rebuild the feelings.  It wasn’t a linear process.  Sometimes, the feelings were there and then they weren’t.  It took some time before I was secure again.  Yes, we do have a different marriage.  But in some ways, it is better.  And it is loving and filled with mutual feelings.  If it helps, you can read that story at my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from faithful spouses who are looking for some tips on how to heal. Sometimes though, I hear from cheating spouses who are remorseful and who want tips on how to help their spouses recover or to save their marriage. Often, they are understandably dealing with quite a bit on anger and resistance from their spouse. And, they aren’t at all sure how they are going to begin to break through the invisible shield that their spouse has put up around them.

I heard from a wife who said: “I cheated on my husband with a guy that I met through my job. I’m a flight attendant and its my job to be friendly and nice to people. This guy takes the same flight all of the time and we got to know each other over time and one thing lead to another. I am ashamed to say that the relationship went on for well over a year until my husband found out about it. He gave me an ultimatum and told me that he would divorce me if I didn’t break it off immediately. I didn’t need to think it over. I never wanted to leave my husband for this other man. I just wanted more excitement and companionship in my life because I’m always traveling and never have any real time to spend with my husband. So, I made it very clear that the other man was out of the picture and I had hoped that, since I did this immediately, my husband would be willing to work on our marriage. Well, he hasn’t left me yet but it’s very clear that he’s considering it. He never speaks to me unless it is to lash out in anger or to say something mean. There’s no affection between us. I try to reach out to him regularly but he rejects me. He says he can’t trust someone who lied to him and betrayed him for over a year. He says he can’t live with the constant suspicion and doubt. I have not heard him say one hopeful thing about our marriage in a long time. It’s always how he doesn’t think he’ll ever feel the same about me. I want to save my marriage more than anything. But honestly, if I would have known that my husband was going to be this resistant to me, I would have given ending my affair a little more thought. I feel like I gave up everything and now he won’t even give me a chance. I know I’m in the wrong, but I can’t take back my cheating. How can I save my marriage now?”

I know first hand that it’s by no means impossible to save your marriage after you cheat or have an affair. But, it will require a lot of patience, sincerity, and skill. And often, the most important thing that you can do is to encourage your spouse see that your concern is more for them and less about yourself. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Take Your Immediate Focus Off Of The Long Term And Place It On Immediate Rehabilitation And Healing: Quite often, when the fear takes over after you’ve made a huge mistake like this one, “I need to save my marriage” sort of becomes your mantra. You bring it up every opportunity that you can and you never pass up a chance to tell your spouse how much you want to fix things. But here’s what you might not understand. Your spouse is likely very overwhelmed and confused right now. The thought of what happens in the future might seem like a lot to think about or something that is very far down the road. And they can also feel very pressured which can cause them a lot of frustration when they are already struggling with so many conflicting feelings.

I know that it’s scary to feel uncertain about what is going to happen due to your mistake. It is only natural for you to want to hear them reassure you that they’ll try to work on your marriage. But if you pressure them, you actually hurt your chances of saving your marriage. And isn’t the long term outcome more important than your reassurance?

It is so much better to make it clear that although you ultimate goal is to save your marriage, your first priority is helping your spouse through this and restoring the trust and intimacy. Quite frankly if you can do those things and make your spouse see that they are your number one concern, your marriage will often follow suit.

Make Sure You Identify And Then Deal With Every Issue That The Cheating Has Brought To The Surface: Most people intuitively understand that they will need to work hard to restore the trust. And that is definitely one issue that almost always comes up. But there are often multiple issues that must be dealt with. You’ll often need to look at whether there were any vulnerabilities in your marriage before and whether there are any now. You’ll have to learn and commit to new communication skills. You’ll need to restore the intimacy and spontaneity. This is very gradual process and you will often need to check in with your spouse and take the pulse of your marriage. Some couples are able to do this alone when both people are willing, especially with some self help. But others find that a good, third party counselor is needed to help them to identify and then work through the issues while staying on track.

The bottom line is that you can save your marriage after cheating, but your first focus should be on helping your spouse. If it appears that your primary concern is saving your marriage so that you don’t have to face the consequences, then your spouse is probably not going to be as willing to put their faith in you when it appears that you are more concerned about what you could lose. Instead, you should make it clear that your real goal is to make sure that you both gain a better relationship and a new level of trust.

I could not have been angrier with my husband after he cheated on me.  I was not interested in anything that he had to say at first.  And yet, eventually we were able to save our marriage and we are still married today.  It wasn’t always easy.  But it was totally worth it.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are torn when their husband says or does sweet things.  While most wives would love to hear these sorts of things, a wife whose husband has been unfaithful always finds herself second guessing.  She finds herself wondering if his words are original or recycled.  And this can seriously affect her ability to move on or to save her marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had a long term affair that I found out about three months ago.  Since that time, he has broken things off and we’ve been trying to slowly rebuild our marriage.  I can tell that he’s trying very hard.  He’s been very sweet and sometimes I get carried away by what he says.  I want to just enjoy what he’s saying to me, but I can’t.  I find myself wondering if he said the same words to her.  He brings me flowers and I wonder if he went to the same flower shop for her.  If he brings me lingerie, well, this just completely sets me off.  I worry the whole day and get mental images of her in lingerie for him.  In short, when my husband says sweet things or makes loving gestures, I can’t just enjoy them like a normal wife would.  Instead, these things cause me pain because it only brings about more possibilities between him and her.  I don’t know what to do about this.  I’m afraid to share this with my husband because I’m worried that it would discourage him and I need him to say and do sweet things.  I don’t want him to stop trying.  But his words hurt me because they just make me think of the affair.  What should I do?”

I really felt for this wife because I know how this feels.  It’s perfectly normal.  It’s very common.  But it hurts nonetheless.  I know that none of my words make you feel better.  But it might help to know that, with healing and time, this experience will often pass.  That doesn’t mean that it’s easy when you’re going through it.  So in the following article, I will offer some tips on how to handle this.

Don’t Get Discouraged.  Know That It Will Get Better:  This is a doubly difficult situation because in order to heal and recover, you need for your husband to be loving toward you.  But, psychologically, his loving gestures are causing pain.  Some wives are tempted to ask him to hold off for a while or to rebuke his advances.  Although I understand this, I would hesitate to encourage it.  If your husband knows that his loving feelings cause you this type of pain, he is going to shut down.  And then you might potentially feel insecure when he stops showing his love.  And suddenly, even though you both had the best intentions, you suddenly find yourself in a position where neither of you are expressing your emotions and everyone is left wondering what the other is feeling.

I’m not saying that you should lie or that you shouldn’t tell your husband what you are feeling. I’m just suggesting that you need to be careful about how you communicate this because it usually does pass as you become more secure.  And it would be unfortunate if this caused more problems before it passed, since better times might be just around the corner.

Many husbands tell me that they’re afraid to make any sort of move because they’re always afraid that anything they do is going to be wrong.  So it’s important that you stress that your husband’s loving actions aren’t necessarily wrong and that you don’t want to discourage them.  But you do want to share your struggles because you want to be honest.

Try To Make A Commitment To Be Receptive Of His Love Until He Gives You A Reason Not To: You have every right to feel what you are feeling and to have doubts and insecurities.  But, at some point, when you are ready, you will need to decide if you’re willing to really allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to save or improve your marriage.  If you are always suspicious and doubtful, it is going to take it’s toll on your marriage and this is not really fair to you.

So at some point, you’re going to have to take a deep breath and just trust.  Yes, this carries some risk.  But if you won’t allow anyone in to hurt you, then you also can’t allow anyone in to truly love you. I’m not saying that your husband doesn’t have to earn back your trust.  He does.  But when he does, it’s often beneficial to give him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to.

Do some men lie to their wives after an affair?  Yes, some do.  But time is going to tell you if your husband falls into this category.   And often, you can tell when he is genuine.  You can feel it.  And if you feel it, then try to not let the doubt overtake the progress that is happening. While it’s true that you can’t control the feelings that pop into your head, you can control the actions that follow those feelings.  Sometimes, you just have to stop and remind yourself that although the insecurities and fears are perfectly normal and understandable, you’ve made the decision to save your marriage by giving your husband a second chance and that’s exactly what you’re going to do.

I do understand how much this hurts.  But the best way to make it pass quickly is to focus on your healing.  Because once you’ve made progress, you’ll likely find that these feelings start to wane and you actually begin to enjoy it when your husband says and does sweet things.  Don’t allow this to slow or halt your progress.  Just acknowledge your feelings but vow to keep moving forward any way.  If it helps, you can read the healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are struggling with endless suspicions after their spouse has cheated or had an affair. Often, they spend a lot of time worrying about whether the affair is really over or if their spouse is going to eventually cheat again. So they will often look for a way to take matters into their own hands and look for any reassurance that may be available. After all, no one wants to be caught blind sided once again.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband has been cheating on me with an ex girlfriend. It’s become obvious that he communicated with her in multiple ways including emails, instant messaging, texts, and Facebook. Basically, if one method of communication was shut down, they would just use another form. But they were never truly out of touch. My husband assures me that he is no longer in contact with this woman. I do want to believe him, but I have some doubts. I tried to log onto his email just to make sure there’s no messages from her and he’s obviously changed that password. The same is true for Facebook. So one day I got up my nerve and asked my husband for passwords to any accounts that he used to communicate with her. He became angry. He said that I don’t have the right to spy on him and to violate his privacy. I say that he gave me that right when he cheated. Who is right about this?”

I do have an opinion on this but it’s not very objective. My husband cheated on me once, and I have no problem admitting that I asked for (and received) his passwords. He wasn’t happy about this. He felt that it was a violation of his privacy and he insisted that if I couldn’t trust him, then our marriage wouldn’t survive anyway. These are common arguments from cheating spouses. But what they often don’t understand is that in the early phases of recovery, they should be giving you whatever you need to make progress. And when you are still struggling with insecurity and suspicions, turning over those passwords is an easy way to offer you some reassurance, especially if they don’t have anything to hide. It can help to agree upon some boundaries, which I’ll discuss now.

Agree That Getting The Passwords Doesn’t Give You Free Reign To Endlessly Spy On Him: As I’ve hopefully made clear, I understand why you want and need the passwords. And I believe that you should have them, at least while you are still recovering. But, you have to be careful and strike a balance. Because if you take it too far, the resentment that you both feel can become just one additional problem that you have to deal with.

Check for any suspicious communication and then log off. Don’t use this as an excuse to go digging around into personal aspects of your husband’s life that have nothing to do with you or your marriage. I understand that this may be tempting but if you do this, then you give your husband a valid reason to object to this agreement.

Always Accept That The Goal Is To Progress So That This Is No Longer Necessary: I have to tell you that I no longer read my husband’s emails and texts. And the reason for this is that I no longer feel the need to do so. The trust has been restored and, frankly, I do not want to check up on my husband like I am his mother and he is a child who needs looking after. That would change the dynamic or our relationship and it would not be healthy.  He would resent me and I would resent having to constantly keep tabs on him.

While I fully advocate checking up in the early stages of recovery, I don’t recommend making this a permanent practice. Because the goal should be that you will heal enough so that the trust will be restored and you will no longer want or need to continue. And often, understanding this will help your husband to be receptive to this plan because he will know that it’s only temporary.

So to answer the question posed, yes, I do believe that the faithful spouse has the right to have the passwords in order to ease their suspicions. But I don’t think that this privilege should be abused, nor should it last forever. This is only my opinion and I do realize that not every one agrees with me, but I feel that this is an easy way to offer some temporary reassurance when feelings are still raw and suspicions are still high.

As I said, I did demand information and passwords early on.  Eventually, I stopped logging on and checking up so much until one day, I realized that the whole thing was no longer necessary.  However, in the early days, I checked daily because I felt the need to.  And it helped.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who greatly regret having an affair and who now want to undo the damage and turn their attention to saving their marriage. Often though, while their intentions may well be genuine, the situation itself can be quite tricky. They often wonder what is the best way to break things off with the other person. There’s often a concern that the other person won’t take it well or may even attempt to retaliate. This can leave the cheating spouse asking themselves whether it’s better to just abruptly break things off without much explanation of if they should explain things and risk an undesirable reaction or outcome.

I heard from a wife who said: “I’ve been having an affair with a guy from my job. Actually, for the last two months, things have cooled down between us. My husband has had a health scare and it has made me realize how much I love my husband and how much I don’t want to lose him. I want him in my life and I know that continuing the work relationship is putting that in jeopardy. So my number one priority right now is saving my marriage. But I’m wondering if I need to explain this to the guy at work. Part of me thinks it’s best if I just cut off all contact with him. We don’t work in the same department so it’s not like I see him all of the time or have to interact with him. If I told him I was going to try to save my marriage, I’d be worried that he would try to contact my husband or would try to make my life difficult at work. But if I give him an explanation, that’s just inviting him into my life and into my marriage. And it might leave the whole thing up for debate. He has been there for me during some hard times. He’s not an awful person. I don’t want to behave like a jerk. But my marriage is my priority. Do I need to tell this guy why I’m breaking it off?”

This seems like a simple question, but there are at least two concerns here. The wife wanted to know how much of an explanation you owe someone with whom you’ve had an affair. She also wanted to know how to end the affair so that it had the least impact on her life moving forward and gave her the greatest chance of saving her marriage. I will cover both questions below.

How Much Of An Explanation Do You Owe The Other Person? This really is matter of personal preference depending upon your comfort level and the nature of the relationship. Since an affair is by definition not admirable behavior, there’s really no proper etiquette for it, so in my opinion this shouldn’t be your first concern.

The wife said that the relationship had already begun to cool a bit on it’s own. So it was possible that the other man wouldn’t be all that upset about it ending or require a long, drawn out explanation. It’s my opinion that it’s probably to every one’s benefit to tell the other person that the relationship should end because it isn’t the right course of action for either of you. It was simply a mistake that can be corrected by ending it now. No one can really argue with that logic and it doesn’t get too personal or specific. You’ve given them the courtesy of an explanation which doesn’t invite a long debate. Sure, they may ask you if you’re ending it has anything to do with your spouse or your marriage, but since your relationship is over, this isn’t their business or concern.

Protect Your Marriage And Your Spouse: Here is where it can get tricky. You want to set it up so that they aren’t overly interested in your spouse or in your marriage. The last thing you want is for this coworker to start calling your husband or inserting himself into your marriage. This isn’t fair to your husband (who has done nothing wrong) and it’s awful for your marriage.

So, you don’t want to get so defensive about this that it encourages more interest or shows them your vulnerability in this area. If the other man asks about your marriage or your spouse, repeat that you’re ending things because you know that your actions are wrong and being deceitful is taking it’s toll.

Try To End Things In A Way That Discourages Drama: You probably know the personality of the other person well enough to know what is going to get under their skin. If they need for you to wish them well in order for them to let you go without the drama, there’s nothing wrong with that. But don’t give them any hope that you will change your mind. Try to conduct yourself in a way that shows them compassion, but that also leaves little doubt that it’s completely over.

You want to be careful that you are not implying blame, judgement or fault. You want to make it clear that they did nothing wrong and that you take responsibility for your part in the relationship. In short, you don’t want to give them reason to harbor any need for anger or retaliation. But you want to make it clear that it’s really over.

My answer to the question posed would be that your first priority should be protecting your marriage and your spouse.  If sharing any information about your marriage is going to make things worse, then I would simply say that you are ending things because you no longer want to be deceptive or to do something that you know in your heart is wrong.  Because this is the truth.

Frankly, this part is less important than your interactions with your spouse.  But you do want to handle this in a way that allows you to break away so that you can focus on your spouse as soon as possible.  Once I found out about my husband’s affair, he didn’t waste any time ending things with the other person, which was greatly to his benefit. You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who are very confused by all of their spouse’s questions and demands in regards to their affair. Often, their spouse is demanding to know the entire truth about the infidelity as well as all of the details. But when they try to comply and offer their spouse more information, all they get is a very angry reply.

I heard from a wife who said: “I had an affair with my old high school boyfriend about seven months ago. It was a huge mistake. I am so sorry for it. I am doing everything I possibly can to help my marriage and my husband to recover. However, even seven months later, my husband is constantly asking me questions about my affair. We have already gone over the basic details about how it started, why I did it, how I carried it out, and what I did with the other man. My answers don’t seem to satisfy my husband though. He constantly asks me for ‘the whole truth.’ I try my best to tell him what he has asked me. For example, the other day he asked me what was so special about the other man that I couldn’t let him go. I wasn’t sure how to answer this and I hesitated. At that point, my husband repeated his mantra of wanting to know the truth. So I told him that I’d always felt the other man understood me and that we had a special bond that only first love can give you. Well, my husband hasn’t spoken to me since. I feel like I’m caught in an impossible situation. He demands the truth from me. But when I give it, he gets so angry and then I know that I’ve hurt him even worse. Does a spouse mean it when they ask for the truth about the affair?”

These are very good questions. And I have a couple of insights that I can offer. As the spouse who was cheated on, I intimately understand what the faithful spouse wants to know. With that said, I hear from a lot of unfaithful spouses on my blog who are really struggling with this situation. It’s clear that offering up the wrong type of information in the wrong way can sometimes cause more problems than it solves and only brings about more pain that must be overcome. So in the following article, I’ll tell you my take on this and will offer some suggestions on how to offer the truth while still sparing your spouse some pain.

Your Spouse Wants To Feel Like You’re No Longer Being Deceptive: It’s probably a fair bet that while you were cheating or carrying on an affair, you weren’t completely honest with your spouse. This is one of the things that hurts the most. Often, it’s very painful to know that your spouse successfully fooled you and carried on with someone else while you thought that everything was fine.

So, it’s probably relatively easy to understand why they your spouse is demanding nothing but the truth right now. They have seen what type of damage and pain that lies can cause. So, they want to know that you are not going to continue to lie to them, no matter what the cost. They would rather be told the painful truth than to hear pretty lies. With that said, there are ways that you can tell the truth that  still allow your spouse some healing and some dignity. I will discuss this now.

Always Look For Ways To Be Truthful While Sparing Your Spouse Pain And Insecurity: I would never advocate lying to your spouse right now. Restoring the trust after infidelity can be quite difficult. So with every lie that you tell your spouse, you dig a deeper and deeper hole so that your spouse continues to doubt what you tell them, even when you believe that you’re being truthful.

That’s why it’s important that you do tell the truth. But at the same time, you can be careful to be as gentle as you can. Let’s take the above scenario as an example. The husband asked what was so special about the other man that the wife was willing to risk her marriage just to be with him. The wife tried to be brutally honest because this is what the husband said he wanted.

But, although her response was truthful, it was also very painful and it encouraged more insecurity. She told her husband that first love was essentially too special to overcome. Do you see how this might leave the husband worrying that she was going to eventually cheat again with the same man when she missed that “first love” feeling once again?

The better response might have been something like: “I will try to give you the most honest an answer that I can, but I honestly don’t completely understand why I was so impulsive that I put our marriage at risk. I think that part of it was that I was feeling nostalgic for my youth when I used to feel more carefree. I was chasing feelings of being understood and feeling special as a younger person. I should have turned to you to satisfy those needs but I didn’t because I felt like chasing my youth was silly. I was basically chasing a fantasy that had passed me by and it was stupid because no one person can give me back my youth. I understand this now and I won’t make this mistake again, but I want you to understand that it wasn’t about the other man.  It was about the memories and the feelings of youth that the man was associated with.  I hope that you can see the difference.”

Why Your Spouse Wants A Hopeful Version Of The Truth: To answer the original question, yes, your spouse wants to hear the truth. But they don’t want to hear details that are going to make them feel worse. You don’t want to tell them that you found the other person more attractive than them. You don’t want to place any blame on them. You don’t want to complain that they weren’t an understanding spouse so you had to get your needs elsewhere. You want to show them where you were wrong, not where they were wrong.

Always bring the answer back to yourself. For example, “I was feeling lonely and I should have approached you,” is a much better explanation than “I had to seek out someone else because you never have time for me.” Both statements express the same idea but the first places the blame on the cheating spouse (where it belongs.) And it shows that you take responsibility for your actions.

I admit that I put my husband in this situation after his affair.  I would demand the truth and then be furious when I got it.  He would then get defensive and we would lose any progress that we made.  It took a while for us to learn how to handle sharing information about the affair.  It wasn’t an intuitive skill, but we eventually found our way and save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who have theoretically been forgiven for their cheating or having an affair, but who don’t feel as if their spouse is truly sincere about any forgiveness that’s been offered.

I heard from a wife who said: “last year I had an affair with one of our mutual friends.  I am not completely sure what possessed me to do this.  I love my husband more than anything.  But he was going through a huge productivity cycle at his job and he was never home.  I suppose I was lonely.  And I felt ignored and unappreciated.  Sometimes, my husband’s friend would come over to spend time with him and, when my husband was too busy for either of us, we ended up spending time together.  I think we both felt a little rejected by my husband.  This doesn’t in any way make our affair right though.  I confessed everything to my husband and I have gone above and beyond to make this up to him.  For the past year, I have done everything in my power to make him feel secure, valued, and loved.  About six months after the affair, we were having a romantic dinner and he actually told me that he forgave me.  I asked him repeatedly if he was sure about this and he insisted that he was.  Well, I was very relieved and appreciative.  But frankly, it’s obvious that he doesn’t really forgive me.  He’s so hot and cold around me.  I know that he holds back.  He’s often sarcastic and he watches me like a hawk when I’m around other men even when he is right there.  Sometimes he says or does mean things that I know are just meant to hurt me because of the affair.  I know that he doesn’t trust me. But I’m not sure what I can do.  He’s said that he’s forgiven me so what’s the point of me continuing to ask for forgiveness?  But in my heart, I know that I’m anything but forgiven.  What can I do?  I want to feel adored by him again.  I don’t want to see the hurt in his eyes.  I want to feel spontaneous with my husband rather than walking on egg shells all of the time.”

The topic of this email isn’t uncommon.  This happens to many couples who are trying to recover from infidelity.  It’s not impossible to move past this.  I’ll discuss this more below.

Often, Your Spouse Isn’t Lying When They Say That They Forgive You:  Many people wonder why their spouse would offer up insincere forgiveness. I have been on the other side of this situation (as the faithful spouse) and I can tell you that much of the time, we are being quite sincere when we concede forgiveness.  We do this because we really do want to move on and we want to let the anger and resentment go.  We just want to feel normal again.  And often, we say these words when we’re having a particularly good day with our spouse.

But here’s the thing.  When we’re recovering from the affair, our feelings and our emotions can fluctuate wildly.  One day, we might begin to feel some hope and some potential.  But perhaps the next day, the sadness and the doubts will get the better of us and this is when we feel our frustration creeping back up again.  It’s not uncommon for us to take these feelings out on our spouses.

You can see how this cycle could play out.  One day the faithful spouse is somewhat receptive to affection and the next day they push their spouse away and are angry again.  The cheating spouse is left wondering “what did I do wrong?” Or “my spouse is never going to forgive me no matter what I say or do.  It’s hopeless.”

The truth is, you may not have done anything wrong.  And it’s not hopeless.  But your spouse is struggling with insecurity.  It hurts so badly to know that your spouse betrayed you by being intimate with someone else.  It takes you a long while to get your footing back, no matter how much you love your spouse and no matter how much you truly intend and want to forgive them.

Your Spouse Has Shown A Willingness To Open Their Heart. Use That As A Starting Point:  I know that it hurts you to feel as if you will never be able to have the same marriage again.  I know that it is frustrating.  But you have to understand that your spouse is likely trying very hard and it just takes time to really believe that it is safe to trust again.  Believe me, they likely really want to believe in you.  They want to feel spontaneous and playful just as much as you do.  But they are just unsure and they are going to need continued reassurance until healing is complete.

So where does that leave you?  In my opinion, your best bet is to build on the positive indications that you have already seen.  Your spouse has shown a willingness to forgive.  Sure, they may not be completely to the point where they can do that.  But, they are trying.  They haven’t told you that they will never forgive you.  They honestly want to.  They just need more time to see that you really are the faithful, loving and trustworthy spouse that you are claiming to be.  Understand that it is their hurt that is contributing to their reluctance.  Once they’ve healed, there won’t be nearly as much hurt which means there won’t be nearly as much reluctance to truly forgive.

I can honestly say that years after my husband’s affair, I feel that I have truly forgiven him.  Have I forgotten the incident or the pain? Of course not.  That was be impossible.  But, I can say that because my healing is complete, so is my forgiveness.  And I did this as much for myself as for my husband.  If it helps, you can read about my forgiveness process my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are struggling with how to process their loved one’s excuse for cheating.  Many times, the cheating person will attempt to offer up some justification for the cheating that includes a flaw with the other person or with the relationship.  It may be expressed as a need that is unfulfilled.  Sex is often at the core.

I heard from a wife who said: “I have just found out that my husband has cheated on me twice with two different women several months apart.  I am very close to kicking out of my house and out of my life.  He is begging me to give him one more chance.  When I asked him why he would cheat on me, he asked me if I really wanted to know the truth.  I answered that of course I wanted to know the truth.   Then he proceeded to tell me that his very high sex drive lead to his cheating.  He says that I knew he had a high sex drive when I married him.  I did know that, but I didn’t expect for him to cheat on me because of it.  I believe he could have dealt with the issue in other ways.  Who is right?  Is a high sex drive ever an excuse for cheating?”

My Opinion: As a wife who has been cheated on, my answer is a resounding no.  And that may be a little biased, but I had this opinion before my husband’s affair.  This logic just has never held up for me because I don’t believe that there is any valid excuse for cheating.  I believe that if you are going to have sex with someone else, you need to end the relationship that you are in first.  There are no exceptions to this for me.

The High Sex Drive Or Sex Addiction Excuse: I concede that some people have higher sex drives than others.  But if you are in a committed relationship, then you have an obligation to work this out with your spouse or partner before you betray them.

Along this same line of thinking, people will often use sex addiction as an excuse for cheating.  I am not disputing that this condition exists.  I am sure that it does.  But again, it is your responsibility to get help rather than betray someone you have committed to love and remain faithful to.

If this logic were valid, then people who steal could use the justification that they stole because they had higher than normal need for items that they couldn’t afford with their own money.  And people who lie could tell you that they have a insatiable need to make claims outside of the truth.  Do either of these reasons make the stealing or lying right?  No, they don’t.   Everyone has their reasons for doing things that they know are wrong.  But this doesn’t justify those actions.

Deciding Whether To Give Him Another Chance: Now that I’ve told my opinion on this topic (and I accept that yours may differ,) I can address this wife’s question about whether she should give in to his pleas for another chance.  I could not make this call for her.  This was a decision that she needed to make it because it was her life and no one else’s.

I can tell you that couples in this situation are able to recover, but in the vast majority of those cases, the cheating spouse accepts that the “high sex drive” excuse isn’t a valid one.  They accept this and they don’t use that excuse any more.  Instead, they either find a way to get their needs met within their own marriage, they compromise, or they seek treatment if their needs are out of the ordinary.

And the faithful spouse must be willing to work to restore the trust and to repair the marriage so that they are eventually able to let the anger and resentment go simply so that they can be happy and at peace again. As you might expect, this isn’t easy.  It takes commitment and work.  And moving past the hurt and betrayal is something that not everyone can do.

But to answer the question posed, no, I don’t think that a high (or low) sex drive is a valid excuse for cheating.  I don’t think that any excuse that has to do with sex or any other topic is valid either.  This is only my biased opinion of course, and I concede that sex is probably the most common reason that people give for infidelity within their marriage.  So by no means is this a rare excuse.  I just personally don’t find it to be valid and most people who have been hurt by infidelity agree.  I am not saying that the high sex drive isn’t there and shouldn’t be dealt with.  It should.  But it doesn’t mean that you should cheat on your spouse simply because your needs aren’t being met.  Frankly, no marriage is perfect and no one’s needs get fully met one hundred percent of the time.  But compromise or finding alternatives is much preferable to cheating.

My husband had his own excuses for cheating, but I didn’t accept any of them. Once he figured out that excuses just weren’t going to work, he stopped making them and we began our recovery.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women who are understandably very fixated on the deception their husband used to get away with his affair. And some women feel that the deception was the worst part of the whole thing.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband deceived me for no less than seven months. I was going through some medical treatments and I was often so sick that I couldn’t do anything but lay in bed and wait for the pain to be over. My husband would ask if he could do anything for me, and when I would tell him that I just had to wait it out, he’d say that he was going to his mothers or to the gym. I always believed him. I never had any reason to think he wasn’t exactly where he said he was. Well, one day I was on the computer and as I went to type in my email, the computer must have memorized his log in information because suddenly I saw an email account that I didn’t recognize. It turns out that he had created an entirely new email to communicate with the woman he cheated on me with. I later learned that he had a cell phone that looked exactly like his old one which he used only for her calls. I also learned that they planned their trysts when they knew that I would be sick. My husband is now saying that he didn’t have any emotional connection to the other woman. I believe that he thinks that the emotional connection is my greatest concern. Much to my surprise, it’s not. What bothers me the most is the level of deception. He participated in a whole alternative life meant to deceive me and to cheat. How can I ever trust someone like this ever again?”

This is a tough question to which I have no easy answers. I completely understand being outraged by the deception. I’ve been there myself. To a certain extent, every one who has ever dealt with infidelity must face this deception. But some cheating spouses take it further than others. And this wife’s husband had taken it quite far. With that said, there are couples who are able to recover from this, although both people must want to and must be willing to work very hard for the long haul. It’s usually not something that can fixed in a short amount of time. It takes a while before the faithful spouse feels that it is safe for them to trust again. And, until that time, a new foundation must be present. I will discuss this more below.

Why I Believe In Complete And Continuous Disclosure: I will tell you up front that not every one agrees with my stance on this. But, I believe that while you are healing from an affair and trying to restore the trust, the cheating spouse must become an open book. They must hand over the passwords and information regarding any cell phones, computers, passwords, or other things that was involved in the previous deception. In other words, the faithful spouse must know that they can check up any time they feel that they need to. Because this is the only way that they are going to have any peace during this process.

People will often respond to these suggestions by saying something like: “either she trusts him or she doesn’t. Does she plan to check up on him for the rest of his life? Does he have to report back to her like she is his mother?”

My answer to this would be that no, she doesn’t plan to do this forever. But she might do it for as long as she feels that it continues to be necessary. It’s probably not going to be fun for either of them, but it is sometimes the only way that she will even be willing to stay or to even try to save her marriage. Otherwise, she is always going to be suspicious that he is deceiving her once again.

I’m not going to tell anyone this is an ideal situation. It isn’t. But, the goal is always that once the trust is restored, it will no longer be needed. But your marriage is going to have a hard time surviving if your spouse is constantly suspicious and afraid. Full disclosure is a way to ease their mind while you are still healing. Once healing is complete, this type of disclosure shouldn’t be needed anymore.

The last point that I would like to make is that full disclosure is only the tip of the iceberg. You will also need to rebuild your marriage. Because the whole idea is the get your marriage to a point where you are both happy and confident that the infidelity and the deception happened to a marriage from long ago that is completely different, and completely healed, today.

The deception of my husband’s affair really weighed on me also.  And I did insist on full disclosure for quite a while.  I no longer need this.  But at the time, I needed to know that there was no way that he could deceive me and this allowed me to focus on other things, like my own healing.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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