Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are fed up with their husband’s affair.  Often, when the husband shows some reluctance or resistance to ending the affair, the wife is understandably hurt and wants revenge.  And the first thing that will often come to the wife’s mind is to contact the other woman’s husband and fill him in on all the dirty details.  She figures this is one way to ensure that the mistress will have to pay at least some price or will be held accountable for her actions.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband has been having a six month affair with a sales representative for his office.  When I confronted him, he said he was going to need time to decide what he wanted to do in terms of our marriage.  I think that he is saying this because he doesn’t want to break things off.  I am almost positive that he is still seeing her.  I have looked her up on Facebook and there are all these pictures of her happy family.  It would be so easy for me to send her husband a message and let him know all about the affair.  But my girlfriends and coworkers have cautioned me against this.   They ask me why do I want for that poor guy to feel the pain that I am feeling?  It’s not that I want to hurt him because I most certainly do not.  I wouldn’t wish this sort of pain on anyone.  But, I just want the other woman to be accountable.  Is this so much to ask?”

As a woman who has been cheated on, I can answer that no, I do not think that this is too much to ask.  But, having gone through this myself and seeing countless others go through this on my blog I can tell you that making her marriage your business is often a bad idea that usually doesn’t even give you the relief or the vindication that you were hoping for in the first place.  I will tell you why in the following article.

How Do You Know That He Isn’t Already Aware Of The Affair?:  I’m not trying to be respectful when I ask you this.  It’s not a sarcastic question. The thing is, you can’t possibly know what is going on in someone else’s marriage.  And just because there are happy pictures on Facebook, that doesn’t mean that there is a happy reality.  After all, few couples air their dirty laundry on Facebook.  I doubt that the husband would chose that format to announce that his wife has been cheating.  More than a few people have told me that they contacted the husband expecting to drop a bombshell only to learn that either he already knew, or that he wasn’t too happy about being told.  Many wives have a very nasty experience because of this.  And this is tough when you already feel so badly because of your own marriage and were looking for some relief.  Another consideration is that they might have an “open” marriage or he might have cheated himself.  You just don’t know.

Consider That Perhaps Their Marriage Shouldn’t Be Your Concern:  I promise that I’m not being flip when I suggest that you already have a lot on your plate right now. I’ve been in this situation and I know that lashing out or trying to even the playing field can feel quite just. Many wives in this situation tell me that karma is part of their justification because they feel that the wife deserves for her marriage to be shaken to the core.  And perhaps she does.  But how about the karma that you are unleashing by inserting yourself in someone else’s marriage?  The universe will likely dole out karma.  And, if he doesn’t already know, her husband will likely eventually find out in another time and in another way.  But, you can’t possibly know their situation.  And frankly, you probably already have enough to deal with, which leads me to my next point.

Your Biggest Concern Should Be Yourself And Your Own Progress: Whether you want to save your marriage or not, you have a larger concern than this woman or her husband.  And that is yourself.  When you place your focus on evening the score or on causing someone else pain, you delay or detract from your own healing.  The best thing that you can do is to let her go and to move on as soon as you possibly can.  Hopefully, your husband will do the same.  But until then, do not let this third party into your own personal space.  Thinking about her and actively seeking revenge are all still allowing her to infringe upon your life and upon your own happiness.  I know that you might not believe this right now, but I promise you that your best revenge is your own happiness and your own well being.  Allow them their disfunction and chaos.  But that is the last thing that you need or want right now.

I know that it is very easy to dwell on the other woman and to want revenge.  But living well and being happy is the sweetest revenge of all.  I learned this the hard way.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are so frustrated because their husband is somewhat indignant about his emotional infidelity.  Often, he will take the stance that since he did not psychically have sex with someone else, then he is not a cheater and he does not understand why his wife is treating him like one or why she is so angry.  As a result, the wife is often at a loss as to how to get through to him.

I heard from a wife who said: “I suspected that my husband was up to no good because he would be on his computer for hours and this went on late into the night.  I would ask my husband about this and he said that he was playing online games.  This didn’t ring true for me, so one day while he was work, I went onto his Facebook account.  And I found that he’s been corresponding for months with an old female classmate. Is is totally inappropriate flirting.  They will make suggestive comments to one another but mostly they talk about their lives and their jobs and they complain about their marriages.  He always tells her how ‘special’ she is to him and they chat or write several times per day.  I am beyond furious about this.  I believe that this is not just cheating, it is a full blown affair.  Yes, it is an emotional rather than a physical affair.  But it is an affair just the same.  I got so mad that I kicked him out of our bedroom and I am considering kicking him out of the house.  My husband is very indignant about his behavior.  He says that I am greatly overreacting.  He says that my anger has no place in our house because the woman is just a friend that he never even touched.  He said he’s sorry if the relationship has hurt me but he also says that she is easy to talk to and he didn’t see the harm in allowing her to listen to his problems.  Well, his arguments don’t hold water with me.  It is cheating pure and simple.  How can I make him understand that my anger is justified?”

This is a very common problem.  People who have participated in emotional infidelity will often argue quite passionately that they haven’t done anything so horribly wrong to deserve the wrath that they are receiving.  They will often use the argument that since no sex or physical infidelity took place, then this doesn’t meet the standard of cheating.

But most faithful spouses disagree just as passionately.  If you have gone through this, you know how badly it hurts to know that the person that you love and are supposed to be faithfully sharing your life with is crouched over their computer in secret sharing their thoughts and dreams with someone else.  And the key word here is secret.  This is often how you can tell that your spouse knew that what they were doing was wrong.  I often ask people in this situation if they would still be typing away and offering words of affection to the other person if their spouse was standing over them and reading the words over their shoulder.  Almost none of them would.  Because the extent of the relationship is kept secret.  And this is a good indication that they know full well that it is inappropriate.

So, understand that on some level they know that they are in the wrong, but usually what they don’t understand is how deeply this has hurt you and how damaging this truly is.  They need to understand that their whole “there was no physical contact” excuse just doesn’t hold up.  To that end, here’s a suggested script that might help you to get your point across.

Some Suggested Words To Make Him Understand: Feel free to use what I’m about to suggest and make it your own or to tweak it until it sounds more like something that you yourself might say.  But, I would suggest something like: “you might disagree with my anger but I still feel it very intensely and here is why.  You went behind my back in secret and in the dark and you shared with someone else the things that you should be sharing with me.  You told her she was special and you seemed to make a huge effort to understand her.  I wish the same were true of me.  I want for you to make me feel special and to try to understand me because I am your wife and I am the appropriate person for you to express these feelings to.  How would you feel if you logged onto my Facebook account and saw me having this type of conversation with another man? And what if I told you that you had no right to be angry because there was no sex involved? Would you buy it? Because I don’t buy it.  You may disagree with my anger, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to feel it and that I’m not going to act on it.  Once we both calm down, we are going to need to evaluate where you we go from here even if we disagree.  But until then, I need some time to process my feelings.  And I am asking you to try to understand and respect them, even if you may not agree.  I have every right to be angry because you betrayed me emotionally even if you did not betray me physically.  You might not understand or agree but this is the way that I feel and that is not going to change because of your words.  It might eventually change because of your actions, but for now, I stand by it.”

Some husbands will continue to argue but others will take your words to heart relatively quickly.  And many will realize that there is no reason to continue to debate this when they see that you are going to stick to your convictions.  This is very important because you don’t want for him to be under the mistaken impression that this is ever going to be acceptable again.

I believe that the healing process for emotional infidelity is much the same as the healing process for physical infidelity.  Although I dealt with physical infidelity in my own life, I believe that healing is essential no matter what you are dealing with.  If you don’t deal with it, then it is always going to haunt you.  And you don’t deserve this.  If it helps, you can read about my healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks whose sole motivation after their spouse has cheated or had an affair is to keep their family together at all costs. As angry and as hurt as the affair has made them, they are determined not to allow this to tear their family apart. However, as determined as many of them are, they often have small doubts as to whether or not this effort is going to worth it in the long run.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair at work last year. I kicked him out for a little while because I could not stand to look at him, much less to live under the same room with him. My kids did not understand this of course and I wasn’t going to tell them. Over time, we all began to miss my husband. I told him that I was allowing him to come back only because I want to keep my family together no matter what. My parents are divorced and this is very painful for me because they could never get along and I always had to choose between them. As a result, I’m not close with my extended family. I do not want this for my own children. But I am still so angry with my husband. I still feel so much pain. And my husband knows this. He says he can never feel at ease around me. He says neither of us are really happy but he knows that this is all his fault. I am starting to wonder if this is all really worth it. I am wondering if it’s not more problematic for my kids to be living in this awkward situation. I guess I’m wondering if I will look back when my children are adults and be glad that I kept us all together.” I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

I Think That Preserving Your Family Is Definitely Worth It As Long As You Insist On Healing: The situation that the wife described wasn’t an ideal one. Sure, the family was still together. But they were all still in pain. The kids likely knew that there was something going on. They likely felt the tension quite intensely. And, in small ways, they likely had to choose between their parents sometimes, especially in terms of their loyalty.

With that said, I will be the first to admit that my primary motivation for trying to save my marriage after my husband’s affair was my children. If I only had myself to think about, I might well have packed my bags and never looked back. But, like this wife, I am a child of divorce who wants better for my own children.

With that said, although my children motivated me, I was also clear on the fact that I was unwilling to live in an unhappy household.  And I stressed this to my husband from the very beginning.  I went through that in my own childhood and it left serious scars. So I insisted that my husband and I focus on healing so that our household would be a happy one for every one involved, including ourselves.

I am not going to tell you that there weren’t some very difficult months in our house. There were times when things were most definitely difficult for all of us. And I sometimes wondered if one of us should move out for good. But when I had these thoughts, I would promise myself that I would revisit some troublesome issues and then give the whole process a little more time.  And looking back now, it was absolutely worth it. But, I do not think it would have been worth it if I was going to hang onto the anger or if my husband was going to be sullen and bitter. And it most definitely would not have been worth it if my children were caught in this unhealthy cycle.

I suppose the point that I’m trying to make is that my opinion is that it is worth it keep your family together  if you can set it up so that the same family is in a healthy and happy environment. And this takes work and time. It’s not easy. And it’s not immediate. But it can work.  The wife in the above scenario hadn’t really considered this.  She just assumed that if she kept her family together she would have to struggle with her husband.  But she hadn’t entertained the thought that if she could fix what was broken, she could actually not only tolerate him but enjoy being married to him again.

It’s Fine To Use Your Kids As Motivation, But They Shouldn’t Be The Only Thing Keeping You Together: It’s very common for me to hear from people who tell me that they are only still together for the sake of their kids. They tell me that as soon as their kids are adults, they are leaving their spouse and seeking a divorce. I find this sad. Because when they have this mindset, there is no way that they are working on or improving their marriage. They have no belief that they can ever be happy again. In short, they are accepting a sentence of living with less than they deserve.

And I don’t believe that this is necessary. I believe that you can heal your marriage if you have the tools and the desire. (There are some free tools on the right side of this blog.) I’m not saying it’s easy. But I do think it’s worth it. So to answer the question posed, I do believe that it benefits every one in the family to save your marriage after an affair, but only if it’s done in a way that returns the family to a healthy and happy state eventually. Living with tension, despair, and pain isn’t beneficial for children either, especially when this can be avoided.

I admit that it was my kids who made me even consider staying married.  But I eventually moved past this and realized that I wanted to save my marriage for myself and that I deserved a marriage that was happy and whole again.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who feel absolutely overwhelmed by the anger that they are experiencing after their husband has cheated or had an affair. Often, they intuitively know that this anger is very harmful to them and to their families, but they aren’t sure how to channel it in positive ways.

I heard from a wife who said: “I will admit that I have never felt so much anger in my life. My husband cheated on me with one of my very good friends. Both my husband and this woman knew how I was struggling in my life because of my mother’s failing health. But instead of working together to support me, they were meeting on the sly and cheating with one another. I feel so very betrayed. And the anger that I feel is almost overwhelming. I now realize that I have got to find a way to diffuse this anger. Last night, I lashed out at my children. I find myself snapping at coworkers who aren’t trying to hurt me. How do I get ahold of my anger? How do I use it constructively?” I will try to offer some suggestions and tips in the following article.

Understand That Your Anger Doesn’t Reflect Poorly On You: People are sometimes very disappointed in themselves for feeling intense anger. They feel as if they have failed in some way because they weren’t able to get firm control over their feelings. They feel as if they should have stronger character or control.

I disagree. I’m not saying that you should allow the anger to overtake you or that you should not always try to keep in check. But what I am saying is that you should not feel guilt or shame for having understandable feelings of anger. You’re human after all. And you have been dealt a terrible betrayal that would elicit anger in even the most patient or forgiving person. So don’t beat yourself up for the anger that is absolutely natural and understandable. Now, I will move onto suggestions on how to channel it in more positive ways.

Tips For Positive Ways To Channel Or Handle Your Anger: The wife was right that she needed to figure out a way to use her anger and make it work for her rather than against her. If you remain angry, it contributes to remaining stuck, feeling helpless, and deteriorating your relationships between the people you love (and need) the most.

My favorite ways to channel your anger include using that energy to improve yourself or your own situation. In my own life, I would often go for very long walks or even runs when I felt the anger taking over. I even took up marital arts for a while so I could kick and hit in socially acceptable ways. Not only did this help me release a lot of tension, but it gave me a greater sense of control, and I lost some weight in the process, which in turn made me feel better about myself.

And I have to be honest. I am not saying that this true in any situation but my own. But some of my anger was directed at myself. I felt so vulnerable because I had always been content in a supporting role in my family. I didn’t have my own career and I didn’t make my own money at that time. So, I used that energy from the anger to forge a new career and to assert my independence. Believe it or not, I did eventually decide to save my marriage, but I am no longer dependent on my husband financially and that makes me feel much better.

Try To Use Your Anger In Ways To Propel You Forward: Sometimes, I have people tell me that they use their anger to spend their husband’s money and buy themselves some new clothes. They do this for a couple of reasons. It doesn’t hurt their feelings any to run up their husband’s credit card bill, and they want to improve their appearance so he truly is sorry for betraying them. I understand this. I improved my appearance as well and I’m still glad that I did that. But I always tried to keep my focus on what would make me happy rather than what would hurt someone else. I wasn’t always 100 percent successful, but I did make the attempt.

My rule of thumb was always to ask myself if my actions were going to move me forward or hold me back. For example, once I was tempted to destroy something my husband loved (a material physical possession.) I had a feeling this was going to feel quite good, but in the end, I decided against it because it wasn’t going to do anything to move me forward. Instead, it was likely release feelings that would hold me back.

However, working out, learning new skills, and going out with friends are all ways that I could distract myself from my anger and use that energy for my own good. I know that this isn’t always easy and that sometimes you will almost have to force yourself through this process, but it is so much better to move forward than to look back or stay stuck.

I don’t blame you for being angry.  And I want you to know that what you feel is understandable and normal.  But it hurts you to dwell on the anger when it keeps you from moving forward.  But if you can channel it in order to bring about improvements, then you’re turning a bad situation into a positive, which is always a worthwhile goal.  If it helps, you can read more about how I did this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are beyond frustrated that their husbands will not agree to break off all contact with the woman with whom he cheated or had an affair.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair with the mother of one of my son’s best friends. He has reluctantly agreed to break off the affair and to try to save our marriage. I am demanding that he have no contact with her whatsoever. And by that I mean no phone calls, no texts, no emails, no social media, and no face to face contact of any kind. In fact, if the two of them should run into one another, I would expect my husband to turn and walk the other way or to remove himself from the situation. I do not think that this is too much to ask. But my husband disagrees. He says that I will have to trust that the relationship is over because it is unrealistic to think that we can just erase this woman from our lives. Her son is like a second son to us. We see their family often when our children play sports or have school activities. My stance on this is that although we might see their family, my husband does not need to interact with her. He says it will be awkward to do this, but I do not care if it is awkward. If he truly wants to save our marriage, then he needs to agree to this. How can I make him understand how important this is to me?”

I could not have agreed with this wife more. Restoring your marriage after a spouse has an affair is very tricky and difficult. But having the other person still in the picture makes a tricky situation almost impossible. And I believe this is unnecessary because it is preventable. If there is no need for the husband and the other woman to be in contact, then they shouldn’t be, especially if the husband is serious about saving his marriage. I will offer suggestions about how to make your husband understand this in the following article.

Explain Why You Need Him To Keep A Complete Distance: It can help to try to calmly sit him down and explain your reasoning. You can make it clear that the “no contact” idea isn’t meant to punish him or to be unreasonable. But, in the days to come, it is going to be a challenge to restore the trust and to make you feel secure. This is going to be nearly impossible if you have to constantly wonder if they are in contact or, worse, if you have to see them together.

Ask your husband to put himself in your shoes and imagine that you had cheated with this woman’s husband and you insisted that you still be allowed to interact with this man. How would your husband feel about that? And how would he suggest that you handle this? It should be clear to him that if you really wanted to, you could stay away from this other man if your marriage was at stake. The same is true of him and the other woman.

Make It Clear That If He Wants To Be In Contact With Her, You Won’t Be Intimately Working On Your Marriage Until He Does: Sometimes, you just have to draw a line in the sand. You may have to spell it out for him that if he remains in contact with the other woman, then he can’t also enjoy an intimate and physical marriage with you.

A suggested script might be something like: “if you can’t stay away from her, then we can’t work on our marriage and move forward because I can not feel trust or peace. I can only feel suspicion and betrayal. I can only wonder if I am as important to you as you claim. Because if the roles were reversed, I would have no problem never looking at the other man again. If you change your mind and sincerely decide to stay away from her, then let me know and we can move forward. But until then, I can’t make any decisions and commitments about our marriage because obviously you are not willing to do that either.

This will be enough for some husbands. Others will have to test you. Or, they’ll need to see for themselves how this will play out in real life. Until then, I would stick to my convictions. Because no matter how much you may love your husband or want to save your marriage, I don’t see how that’s possible when there might still be another person in the picture.

I was lucky that the other woman immediately left the picture after I found out about my husband’s affair.  I do not think I would have been willing to work with him if she had still been present.  We had many other issues to work through, however.  But eventually we were able to tackle them all.  If it helps, you can read our recovery story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are confused about who to include in the healing process after an affair.  Many people are quite close to their spouse’s family and they wonder how much information should be given.

I heard from a wife who said: “I am extremely close to my in laws.  In fact, I sometimes wish my husband’s parents were my own mom and dad.  I certainly treat them that way.  That’s why the fact that I had a short affair is so awful.  Not only do I feel like I betrayed my husband, I feel like I betrayed his family also.  We are trying our best to recover from this.  And I have repeatedly offered up information to my husband and asked for forgiveness.  We are making a little bit of progress, but I know that it’s just going to take more time.  My husband didn’t tell any family or friends about my infidelity.  I sometimes wonder if I should tell my in laws and ask for their forgiveness also.  I feel so weird being around them now and that is the last thing that I want.  I feel like I’m not being honest.  When I share this with some of my friends, they think I’m crazy.  They say that no good can come out of my disclosing this personal information that should only be between my husband and I.  But I feel like if I withhold this information, I’d be continuing to be deceptive.  Who is right?”

I actually have to commend this wife for wanting to be completely honest at all costs.  It shows that she is very sincere about complete transparency and that she intends to be in her marriage for the long haul, regardless of what it takes.

Sometimes, It’s Best To Wait Before You Offer Up Too Much Information: My opinion is often that it is often best if you keep the details about your marriage (and any problems within it between the two of you.)  Recovering from infidelity is difficult.  But when you have third parties making judgements or constantly asking about it, then it becomes even more trying.  Even worse, often the couple is eventually ready to move on, but the third parties continue to give their opinions or to ask questions that are best left in the past.  Sometimes, the third party never sees the unfaithful spouse in quite the same way again and this can cause additional stress on an already strained marriage.

Why This Should Be Your Husband’s Call: I did respect this wife’s closeness to her in laws.  But I felt that if anyone was going to discuss this issue, it should be her husband since he was their son.  And he may have wanted for this to remain private. And, while I understood her need for disclosure, I still felt that it might hurt the situation.  Making this up to her husband should have been her first priority in front of everything (and everyone) else.  Having to mend the relationship with the in laws would add just one more additional set of problems to a situation that was already difficult.  But at the end of the day, I think that the husband should have had the final say since they were his parents.

Know That The In Laws Just Want Their Son To Be Happy: I know that this wife felt a sense of obligation to her in laws.  But frankly, what most parents want is for their children to be happy.  So as long as she could heal her marriage and ensure her husband’s future happiness, that should be enough.

The wife understood all this but she worried that she just wouldn’t be able to deal with the guilt.  She felt that she wouldn’t be able to act normally around them.  I couldn’t really make this decision for her.  And there was no way to know how her son’s parents were going to react.   But there was a real risk that things would be even more awkward once they knew everything.  I’ve even heard of third parties impeding the couple’s ability to reconcile because they get too involved and form too many judgments.  For that reason, I’d suggest waiting until healing is well underway before I shared this information. Of course, if the guilt was unbearable, she’d have to follow her heart.  But I would suggest delaying that until healing had taken place.

So to answer the question posed, if it were me, I would wait to make a decision about bringing my in laws into the equation.  Quite frankly, I regret telling many people about my husband’s affair.  Most of the time, it only caused more conflict and judgements.  It was better to confide in people who didn’t know or have opinions about my husband because others were just too close to the situation to be helpful.  And honestly, your marriage is truly between the two of you and no one else.

I did tell some family members about my husband’s affair and I ended up regretting it because when I was ready to move on, they weren’t.  Of course they believed they were just trying to protect me, but actually their concern just made things more difficult for me.  So, I’d suggest carefully weighing the pros and cons before making any decisions about this.  If it helps, you can read about some of the pitfalls of recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are determined to get to counseling after infidelity has rocked their marriage.  They often see this as the best way to save their marriage, or at least to help it partially recover.  Unfortunately, sometimes their unfaithful spouse is not as enthusiastic about this and will sometimes refuse to go.  This brings about the dilemma as to whether it’s best to make counseling mandatory via an ultimatum.

I heard from a wife who said: “at this point, I’m not even sure if my marriage has any chance to survive.  My husband cheated with a mutual friend so I feel doubly betrayed and vulnerable. I know that it is going to be a long road before I can recover.  One of my friends went through this in her own marriage and she worked with a wonderful counselor who helped her heal.  I would like to see this counselor, but my husband refuses.  He says he will do whatever I want except for that.  He is sure the counselor is going to make him out to be the bad guy and that this process is actually going to hurt our marriage more than help it.  But, if we don’t go, I know that we won’t really talk about this and we won’t really work through our issues. This means that I will still be in pain.  Part of me wants to tell him that he will go to counseling or agree to a divorce.  But my mother says that if I force counseling, my husband will just sit there and not get anything out of it.  At this point, I’d be willing to settle for him sitting there rather than him not going at all.  Is it right for me to give him an ultimatum in order to make him go?”

This is a tough question because I believe that counseling can be very helpful if you have a great fit between the counselor and the couple.  Unfortunately, this fit can sometimes be elusive and I have seen the wrong fit actually harm the situation.

I also know that as this wife’s mother said, many men will just sit in the office with their arm’s crossed, refusing to participate.  And then all the way home the wife hears about how much money and time they are wasting.  As a result, the wife feels resentful that he couldn’t just go along for her sake since he’s claiming he wants to save the marriage but is acting in the opposite way.

I think it’s wise to try to avoid this if your husband has already shown deep resistance.  And I believe there are some alternatives that you can try in order to eventually ease him into counseling, which I will discuss more below.

Offer To Share Your Individual Counseling Experiences With Him:  I know that this is a little unorthodox, but I also know people who’ve had success with this. If you want to go to counseling, you should not be put off by his refusal to go.  Sure, you’d prefer to go with him.  But until they happens, you can still benefit greatly from individual counseling.  Most men will assume that your  whole individual session will be about what a jerk you are married to.  But if you can share with him insights that you gathered or benefits that you achieved, he might come to see that this process isn’t so scary.  Or he won’t be able to deny how helpful it has been to you.  It may also help to offer to let him pick you up and meet the counselor for himself.  Or, you can offer to allow him to chose his own individual counselor.  He could pursue individual sessions on his own until he is more comfortable with joint sessions.  Sometimes, you just have to ease him into this until he sees that it isn’t so scary after all.

Try Some Self Help Until He Becomes More Comfortable Or More Open Minded:  Sometimes, you have to take baby steps.  You can try some things, see some improvement, and then introduce other things when you see that he is more receptive.  There are a lot of self help programs and literature out there that give you the steps and the tools to begin healing.  He may feel more comfortable beginning the work at home.  And once he sees progress, he might be more open to outside help, especially when he sees that the goal isn’t just to vilify him.  You might also let him pick out his own books or experts that he’s more comfortable with.  (Men will often be more trusting toward experts who are also men.)  It really doesn’t matter as long as he’s willing to take that first step.  Because the first step can open the door to other steps that might satisfy you more. Of course, if you try very hard with these alternatives and they don’t work, you may have no choice but to make counseling the condition for your remaining in the marriage.

So to answer the question posed, I think that giving your spouse an ultimatum to go to counseling should be a last resort.  Because if he’s not willing to go, he won’t be open to its benefits anyway.  Instead, try to start out small and then ease him into it.  I’m not saying that you should give up on counseling.  You should always have that as your goal  But know that you may have to reach this goal by taking a few additional steps first so that you will have more cooperation and therefore more success. And also know that self help resources can be very helpful as well.

I will admit that our initial attempts at counseling were not positive.  It just wasn’t a good fit.  But we did find some resources (which you can find on the right side of this blog) that we were both comfortable with and this was the start of change and improvement.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who are dealing with an infidelity situation that is doubly troubling because both spouses have cheated on one another. This means that there are now two sets of issues to work through and to recover from. And it can make an already volatile situation almost unbearable.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me first. I suppose my own cheating was in retaliation. But, we cheated during the span of about six weeks apart so the pain from the infidelity is very fresh for both of us. We can’t seem to interact without ending up yelling at one another. It’s very difficult for us to be in the same room. It’s sort of weird that we are both so angry because we are both guilty of the exact same thing. I wish we could just agree that since we both made mistakes, then we’ll just start over with a clean slate, but this doesn’t seem to be possible for us. Last night, my husband suggested that maybe one of us should move out so that will be separated. I’m not sure if this is going to be a good idea. On the one hand, we probably do need a break from one another. But on the other hand, I worry that if we separate, our marriage might be over. As angry as I am at him, I don’t think that I want to end my marriage. Is it best to just separate for a while when both people cheated?”

This is a tough question because there are pros and cons to separating when infidelity has made things so volatile. In the following article, I will discuss the pros and cons and I’ll also suggest a compromise.

The Advantages Of Separating After Both People Have Cheated: As the wife suspected, there are a few advantages to living apart after mutual infidelity. The first is that taking a break can help with the volatility. It can allow time for things to calm down so that eventually progress made be made.

Because if all you are doing is yelling at or avoiding one another, it’s unrealistic to think that you’re going to make any progress with your marriage unless something changes. So sometimes, the separation can spark this type of change when both people have the space to calm down. Also, a separation can give you some perspective. And sometimes, it encourages the spouses to miss one another and to see things more clearly so that when they do come together, they are much more cooperative and motivated than they otherwise would have been. However, these things can come with a price or with risks, which I will discuss now.

The Cons Of Separating After Mutual Infidelity: A lot of things can go wrong in this situation. Often, the biggest problem that I see is suspicions running rampant. Since the spouses aren’t with one another all of the time, they worry that their spouse is continuing to see the other person or will tempted to cheat again.  This can lead to accusations that only add to the volatility.

Also, there’s a real risk that there will be no regular communication.  Having no communication or no ability to check in can also lead to assumptions that aren’t true. Sometimes, one or both of the spouses will assume the worst case scenario so that things continue to deteriorate between the couple.

And if you aren’t actively trying to make things better between you, then you risk that the separation will become the status quo or will even become permanent, which is the opposite of what you want if you deep down want to save your marriage.

A Possible Compromise: I do understand that some couples want nothing less than to live apart for a while. Sometimes, they decide that nothing else will do and they will not be talked out of this. If this is your situation, then I strongly suggest agreeing on regular times to meet and to discuss things.  Counseling works wonderfully for this, but I do realize that some are resistant to it. You can always just agree to meet for dinner once a week to try to improve and evaluate things in a calm manner and in an objective place.  Because if you don’t, you’re expecting for things to just miraculously improve on their own, which isn’t always likely.

I think that an even better possibility is to agree to give one another space while still living together, even if it is on opposite sides of the house. Someone can always move into a spare bedroom or office. This will hopefully cut down on the tension but will also avoid the suspicions and the wrong assumptions. However, I still advocate making a vow to discuss and to try to improve your situation regularly if you want to save your marriage. And this is true regardless of which of the above scenarios you choose.

So to answer the question posed, separating after mutual infidelity can help with some issues, but it can make others worse. That’s why I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do in all situations. Instead, I suggest looking for alternatives or at least vowing to be in regular contact if you do chose to separate which hopefully ends up being a short amount of time.

I thought about separating from my husband after his affair.  But deep down, I suspected that if one of us left, we might never reconcile.  So I hung in there even if there were weeks when I barely saw or spoke with him while I was allowing myself time to cool off.  Eventually, the tension began to abate enough that we could begin to work through our issues.  If it helps, you can read about my infidelity recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people can’t help but dwell on how much disappointment and pain that they have caused by cheating or having an affair. Often, they are well aware that they have deeply hurt the people that they love the most and they can’t seem to focus on anything other than this.

One of these folks might say: “I made the biggest mistake of my life when I cheated on my husband.  And it was such a pathetic way to cheat.  I was a stay at home mom who was lonely and who reconnected with an old boyfriend on Facebook.  I risked the well being of my family just because this other man paid me some attention and made me feel good about myself.  I can’t believe I acted so irresponsibly and was so stupid.  I immediately told my husband the truth and begged for his forgiveness.  We are trying to make it work.  But one thing standing in our way is my anger at myself and my belief that I don’t deserve my husband or my family.  I have let them all down.  I have made it so that my two children might be without their father.  I have acted in a way that is the direct opposite of the beliefs that my parents instilled in me.  In short, I have let down and disappointed everyone in my family and I don’t deserve any of them.  My husband still says he is willing to try to work it out, so how can I let go of this feeling that I’m just not good enough for anyone?”

You have to feel quite deeply for this wife.  Her self-loathing was probably not doing any good for herself or for her family.

Regardless Of The Mistakes That You Made, Your Children Still Need And Love You:  I’m not going to tell you that cheating on your children’s father wasn’t a mistake because you know that it was.  But, everyone makes mistakes in their lives and in their marriage.  Yes, this is a particularly big one with far-reaching consequences.  However, this doesn’t mean that your children don’t still love and need you.   None of this is their fault.  Regardless of the mistakes that either of their parents have made, they still need both parents. And you’re distancing yourself from them because you feel that you aren’t deserving of them actually hurts them more than is necessary.

I understand that you feel undeserving right now, but be careful that you aren’t projecting your own pain and uncertainty onto your children.  They do not deserve that.  And, right now, what they need is for you to be a strong and steady presence in their lives.  What they need is for you to vow that your mistake is not going to derail their lives because you are determined that you are not going to allow that.  So the best thing that you can do is to vow to make this right again and to move on in a way that is healing and healthy for your family.

If You Rehabilitate Yourself So That Your Spouse And Your Marriage Is Happy Again, You Will Be Deserving Of Their Love And Commitment:  I have to admit that as a spouse who has been cheated on, I tend to agree with cheating spouses who think that they don’t deserve their spouse, at least before rehabilitation has taken place.  In fact, if there is no remorse and no rehabilitation, then I would not disagree with this wife.  But neither was the case here.  And, if she could make it her goal to become the best wife and mother she could possibly be, then she would have shown herself worthy of at least a second chance.

In short, if you do everything in your power to make your marriage, solid, fulfilling and strong again, what more can you be expected to do?  If your spouse is eventually secure, happy and committed to your marriage because you have proven yourself trustworthy, rehabilitated, and remorseful, then they believe that you are deserving.  Why can’t you believe the same?

I do understand that this type of remorse is not something that you can expect to go away overnight.  But committing to a life sentence of guilt and sadness isn’t going to help your marriage, your spouse, your children, or your parents.  It only ensures that the pain continues and none of you deserve that.

While you can’t take back the affair, you can commit to fixing this so that you and your family can move on.  And if you make sure that your marriage and your family is as strong and as happy as they can possibly be, then you have done all that you can.  I understand that you are disappointed in yourself.  But that is a part of life.  And the real strength lies in acknowledging your mistakes, learning from them, allowing them to inspire improvements and changes, and then moving on.

My husband went through similar feelings after his affair.  And frankly, his guilt and sorrow didn’t make me feel any better.  I wanted for him to help me and recover and to move on rather than wallowing in self-pity and remaining stuck.  Once he understood this, we began to see some improvements and our marriage recovered and is very strong today.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many folks have their doubts about the sincerity of the spouse who has cheated or had an affair. Many times, they think that their spouse has chosen to stay in the marriage for reasons other than genuine love or commitment. A common theory is that the spouse only remains in the marriage because of money or financial reasons.

Someone might stay: “I caught my husband cheating with one of my friends three months ago. After I dug a little deeper, I found out that they had been having an affair for seven months. From what I was able to gather, the relationship was very serious. He told her that he loved her and he became very close to her young son. They seemed to be acting like they were one big happy family. After learning this, I have started to wonder why my husband is staying with me. Because he isn’t loving to me or even apologetic. The other day, I couldn’t take it anymore and I asked my husband why he was still in our home. His simple response was that he wanted to work it out. I asked him why and his response was that I was his wife and that he didn’t want to walk away from our marriage without a fight. This all sounds good, but in reality, there is no fight in him. I think he’s only here because he knows I will want a lot of money from him in the event of a divorce. He knows that I will want the house and many of the assets. And while I am glad that he stayed, I don’t want him here for the wrong reasons. What can I do?”

I understood this wife’s fears. Most faithful wives question why their husband chooses to stay. They worry that he is still thinking about (or would rather be) with the other woman. But the thing is, these are only assumptions on your part. You cannot read his mind. You cannot hear his thoughts or feel what he is feeling. And, all you really have to go on is what he says and how he acts.

I believe that it can be a mistake to blindly make assumptions. Often some of our assumptions have to do with fear or insecurity. And if you really do want to save your marriage, then it’s to your benefit to wait and see what happens rather than acting on assumptions that might well be wrong. Because if you do that, you are often giving up without giving things a fair chance.  I will explain this more in the following article.

Give Him A Chance To Prove You Wrong Before You Act On Your Assumptions: Try to look at it this way. If he is only with you due to finances, this will often become apparent soon enough. He can’t fake his feelings forever. And frankly, very few people are willing to live a lie for money, especially for the long term. If your husband truly isn’t happy with you and if every day is a chore, eventually it’s plausible that he would pay any amount for his freedom.

Thinking otherwise truly doesn’t give you, or him, enough credit. Sure, things may be rough right now. Recovery from infidelity can take time. It may be a while before your marriage recovers enough for you to be able to feel secure. It may be a while before you feel that you no longer need to question his motives.

Give Your Marriage A Set Time Frame Before You Reevaluate: I know that I might be asking a lot, but I think it’s to your benefit to hold off on making judgment calls right now. I know from experience that often, you will see things that aren’t there simply because you are afraid. Or because your emotions are still so raw. Or because you just aren’t thinking objectively. So, I always advocate trying to withhold judgment until you give things enough time to have a fair chance. Even if you don’t have the highest of hopes, vow to give this enough time until you can see the outcome more clearly.  How much time you decide on is truly up to you, but I think that sometimes it takes months rather than weeks.  I think it can be helpful to define a reasonable time frame and to stick to it.

The truth is, you aren’t going to know if his reasons for staying are genuine until you see this through. If you leave now, will you always wonder if your assumptions are wrong? Will you always wonder whether you might have made it if you had given it a bit more time?

I can’t say for sure that you are wrong. There are men who stay in part for financial reasons in the beginning. But sometimes, these men grow and evolve so that both people are very happy that they stuck it out. It’s safe to say that neither of you is probably completely sure of your feelings right now. But him staying is a positive sign if you want to save your marriage. Yes, you have every right to expect for him to make this right again. You have every right to expect for him to be rehabilitated.

But you can’t really save your marriage if you don’t give him that chance. And not giving him that chance because of assumptions that may turn out to be false is often a mistake when you want to save your marriage, at least in my own opinion. If it turns out that he’s only staying for the money, then this will become apparent and at least you tried and you can then act accordingly because you no longer have any doubt of his true intentions.

As I alluded to, I seriously doubted my husband intentions when he stayed with me after his affair.  I think that many wives do.  But I vowed to give our marriage a reasonable amount of time to recover and I promised myself that I would work very hard during that time.  This turned out to be a sound decision because we were able to save our marriage and his intentions proved themselves as genuine.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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