Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives are fully aware that they are spending far too much time thinking about the other woman with whom their husband cheated or had an affair. And often, these thoughts are fueled by negativity. At first, this might offer some temporary feelings of relief. But after a while, you realize that this negativity is just bringing you down and needs to stop. The problem is, it can seem as if you have no control over these invasive thoughts.

One of these wives might explain: “my husband’s affair has been over for six months. I am pretty sure that he has stopped all contact with the other woman. We are slowly making progress on our marriage. It still hurts, but it’s slowly improving. My main problem is the raw and intense hatred that I feel for her. I know this person. She is the mother of one of my child’s classmates. So I have to see her fairly regularly. And when I do, my whole body shakes. I start to sweat. I’d really like to go and have a physical confrontation with her but I know that I’m not going to do that. I want to stop having negative feelings toward her. I don’t want to stop feeling anything at all. How do I get rid of my intense hatred toward this woman? Because I feel like as long as I continue to feel this way, she continues to win.”

This wife was extremely perceptive. Because some wives just can not see the harm of focusing your negative emotions onto the other woman. While this can be normal, it’s my experience that it’s harmful to the healing process. Because it keeps you dwelling and focusing and the last place where your attention should be. Frankly, one of your goals should be to put this woman far behind you. So the more you feel hatred toward her, the less likely it is that you are going to be able to do this. Luckily, there are some ways to begin to move on and to move away from thoughts of her. I will discuss them below.

Start By Knowing That The Universe Is Eventually Just:

I’ve had wives tell me that their goal was to eventually feel compassion for this woman. And I think that is a very ambitious goal. If you can turn your hatred into compassion, then you have truly won because she no longer has any control over you. The idea behind this is that you can see that pursuing or carrying on with someone else’s husband indicates something lacking within her. She is exhibiting desperate and questionable behaviors, which means she needs your compassion rather than your hate.

As I said, I completely respect and admire people who can take on this viewpoint. I just think that not everyone can accomplish this because it’s asking a lot from a wife who has been deeply hurt by this person. I think that it might be more realistic and obtainable if you just commit to believing that the universe will take care of her.

It helps to just tell yourself that in the end, things are going to turn out exactly as they are supposed to. You have to believe that if you conduct yourself with dignity and respect, Kharma is going to make sure that you get exactly what you deserve and vice versa. If you can’t feel compassion or something neutral for her, at least vow to just let her go. Know that there is truly no need for you to obsessively think of her because the universe is going to take care of everything.  You don’t need to do anything where she is concerned.

Fight Hatred With Love:

Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you to feel loving feelings toward her. I think that this would be impossible for most people (myself included.) But I am going to suggest that when you feel hatred toward her, you immediately try to replace this with feelings of love for someone else. That person can be you, your spouse, your children, or anyone who deserves it.

Here’s how it would work in real life. When you begin to feel little bits of hate taking over, don’t give into them. Stop what you are doing and redirect. The antidote for hate is love. So stop what you are doing and resolve to feel love instead. This might mean that you make yourself a priority and you do something nice for yourself to momentarily break the cycle. It might mean that you spend time doing something fun with your kids when thoughts of her invade your head. It might mean that you go for a jog.  Or journal all of the gifts that still remain in your life.

In short, anything that you can do to redirect and turn your attention to something positive is going to help tremendously. So to answer the question posed, you can’t expect to erase the hate overnight. But if you can accept that you have better things to do than to worry and obsess over her and that the universe will handle things justly, this becomes easier. And if you fight hatred with love, then you are ahead of the game.

I won’t begin to tell you that I didn’t experience very negative feelings toward the other woman because I absolutely did.  But eventually, I figured out that the more time I spent thinking about her, the less time I was spending on my own healing and recovery.  One day I decided that it was going to be all about me and less about her.  I realized that I had been just handing over entirely too much of my time and energy on someone who most definitely did not deserve it.  So I began to focus on myself and on my family when thoughts of her invaded.  And now she rarely ever crosses my mind.  When I do think about her, I really don’t have strong reactions anymore.  I try not to have any reaction at all.  So I very much advocate replacing your focus on her with focus on yourself.  If it helps, you can read about how I did this myself on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people are discouraged about the changes in their sex life after one of them cheated or had an affair. Often, they can’t help but notice that no matter how much time has gone by and no matter how hard they seem to try, things just don’t seem to be the same. This can make them wonder if their sex life will ever feel normal or good again.

One might express this frustration: “my husband had an affair about a year ago. We have done a lot of work on the emotional aspect of our relationship. We are slowly restoring the trust and, in that respect, things seem to be improving. What worries me the most right now is that our sex life still isn’t quite right. At first, my husband was afraid to have sex with me because he assumed I’d be angry. I was afraid that he would have performance issues because he wasn’t attracted to me. We overcame these problems. But even after that, things just aren’t the same. It’s not that spontaneous, crazy and intense feeling that we used to have where we could hardly wait to get our hands on each other. Now, it feels forced. And even when I start out enjoying myself, thoughts about my husband and the other woman always seem to invade my thoughts. And so whether I mean to or not, I shut down because emotionally and mentally, I am somewhere else. I am sure my husband notices this even though he doesn’t say anything. We keep trying, but I’m sure that we both know that our sex life is less than what it was before the affair. Are couples ever able to return their sex life to normal after infidelity? Because I’m starting to think it’s just not possible for us.”

You Can Get Your Sex Life Back And Even Improve it After Infidelity:

I know that things seem bleak right now. And I can tell you that you are not alone or abnormal. A lot of issues that crop up after an affair has to do with sex. And this makes sense of course. When your spouse has had sex with someone else, this is the elephant in the room every time you try to be intimate in your marriage.

But as hopeless as you may feel this is, I can tell you that plenty of couples restore their sex life. Some will even tell you that it is better than it was before. Why? There are various reasons. Some work very hard at this because they never want to leave their marriage vulnerable again. Some wives work very hard to restore their self-esteem and, somewhere along the way, they learn some new skills that actually makes sex better for both people. And other times, the husband becomes a better listener and communicator and this shows itself in the bedroom because, especially for women, emotions are tied into your intimate relationships.

Despite these assurances, many people still insist that they have tried everything but they just don’t think that decent sex is ever going to return to their marriage. If you find yourself in this situation, there are a couple of things that you can look at, which I’ll discuss below.

If Things Haven’t Improved For Some Time, Explore The Trust, Look For Any Residual Anger, And Evaluate Self Esteem:

Good sex requires both vulnerability and confidence. You both have to let the walls down. If you are guarded or worried about what the other person is thinking, this is going to negatively impact your experience. And if your spouse sees that you aren’t enjoying yourself, they are going to second guess themselves also so that the negative cycle just continues and feeds upon itself.

Often, they are a couple of things that keep the couple from feeling free and uninhibited. Sometimes, the anger and resentment is still there which means that there is still some work to do somewhere. Other times, there is still a lack of trust.

Finally, you have to be aware of your own self-esteem. You can’t be a good lover if you don’t think that you are desirable. You simply can’t pull it off because the confidence isn’t there. If this rings any bells for you, then your next step would be relentlessly to work very hard to restore your self- esteem. (There is a good resource for this on the side of this blog called “Her Secrets.”) Because frankly, if you don’t believe that you are sexy or desirable, you are going to give off this vibe during sex. And you don’t deserve that. But if you believe that you are going to rock his world and that he is lucky to be with you, then he is likely to believe this too and your experience is going to reflect that also.

So to answer the question posed, yes, people absolutely get a normal sex life again after infidelity. Does it happen automatically? No. Is it always easy? No again. But it is certainly possible. And you deserve it. So if you’re not seeing it now, ask yourself what work you still need to do and then begin to methodically do the work. Because good sex actually is very important to a good marriage. And if your sex life is lacking, you will probably wonder if your husband is going to cheat again.

As I alluded to, sex is often a struggle after infidelity.  And it usually isn’t about the physical connection.  It is about the emotional one.  Once I understood this, things drastically improved for me.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives want to know if it’s appropriate to change responses after a good deal of time has passed after their husband’s affair.

One might say: “my husband cheated with a woman from his work.  Because he has a religious job, this was a bit of a scandal.  I felt obligated to stand by him because he had so much to lose.  And I felt obligated because of my kids.  Also, I hoped that he would go out of his way to make things right.  I actually entertained the thought that our marriage might improve or that we could go to counseling.  Needless to say, none of this has happened.  Now that time has passed, I can look back now and see that my husband was a selfish, unfeeling jerk.  I don’t think it ever occurred to him that I might leave or that I might make my own decisions.  He’s never really seemed all that remorseful and he most certainly hasn’t tried to make things right.  I don’t think he’s still cheating, but he’s not loving or affectionate to me either.  Now that I see that things probably aren’t going to get any better, I want to leave. Some of my friends say that it’s too late to leave now.  I believe that I’m always allowed to change my mind.  Who’s right?”

In my own opinion, the wife is most definitely right.  Just because you initially tried to stand by your husband, nothing says that you can’t change your mind and rethink this decision, especially if things haven’t improved.  However, to alleviate your own guilt and to make this process as positive as it can be, I have a couple of suggestions, which I will outline below.

Try To Take Some Time Away And See If This Improves Things Before You Make A More Permanent Decision:

I think that part of the reason that the wife was reluctant to just take off was because she knew that leaving her husband was a huge decision that was going to have far reaching consequences.  She admitted that deep down, she still loved her husband but he had disappointed her so much that she worried their marriage might never recover.

Because she was still torn and reluctant in many ways, it made sense to not take drastic measures that couldn’t be taken back.  To that end, she might consider just taking an open-ended break from her husband to see if this would change her perceptions and force her husband into doing much better.

A suggested script might be something like: “I know that I told you that I would stay and stand by you.  I truly had good intentions and I had hoped that you would work hard to make this right.  In my mind, this hasn’t yet happened.  I feel like we haven’t made enough progress to make me feel secure or hopeful.  I was hoping that we would have strengthened our marriage by now.  I’m disappointed and I feel that I need some time away to get some perspective and to help me determine where I want to go from here.  I will need to determine if I want to make the time away a permanent situation or if there is anything left of our marriage.  Of course, I will make sure that you have access to our children.  And if you have any suggestions or anything that you want to say, I’d be happy to listen.”

This conversation is meant to be open-ended.  The wife is all but asking her husband if he’s willing to try harder or if he’s going to ask her to stay.  The wife isn’t saying that she’s never coming back or that she holds out no hope.  She is leaving it open in case she changes her mind or in case her husband surprises her and begins to show the initiative that she had long been hoping for.  The hope is that the risk of losing his wife would inspire this husband to finally do what was right and rehabilitate his marriage.

Consider Outlining What You Need In Order To Come Back (Or To Not Leave In The First Place.)

The wife felt pretty certain that her husband was going to try to convince her to come back home or to not leave at all.  Her leaving was likely going to affect him professionally.  But, the wife was under no obligation to do that since things hadn’t changed to her satisfaction.

Sometimes, men do not make the changes we are hoping to see because they either don’t know how or they aren’t completely sure exactly what you want.  That’s why I strongly advocate spelling things out so that there are no misunderstandings.  There is nothing wrong with outlining what you will need to see from him in order to feel more comfortable and content.  And frankly, a husband who wants his wife to come home has a much stronger incentive to finally make a quick change.  When he knows that he might lose his wife by remaining stagnant, this is when you will often see him get serious about making sincere and lasting change.

So to answer the question posed, you always have a choice.  No one should decide what you want to happen with your marriage or your living situation except for you.  You absolutely have the right to change your mind if your husband hasn’t made good on his promises.  But, I’d advocate moving slowly and giving your husband one last chance to make things right before making drastic or final decisions.  That way, you will know that you did everything that you could before taking any action.

I made and changed my mind many times after my husband’s affair.  And I never felt guilty or bad about this.  I was clear on the fact that I was in control of my own future.  If my husband had not been willing to restore the trust and rebuild our marriage, then I would have had no guilt of doing whatever was necessary to live my best life.  Luckily, he eventually understood that the outcome was really up to him and we did save our marriage.  You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people would give anything to turn back time so that they could take back their affair. They deeply regret their actions. But unfortunately, there is no way to take it back. And because of this, their actions can hurt their spouse so deeply that their spouse can feel as if they no longer are in love and invested in their marriage. This can leave the cheating spouse feeling helpless and desperately looking for a way to make their spouse love them once again.

A wife might say: “I made a huge mistake and had a short-term affair with my boss. I immediately told my husband about it. At first, he really tried to understand. He didn’t leave right away. He told me that he would try to save our marriage. But, as time has gone by, our marriage has continued to struggle. My husband has tried to reign in his anger. He doesn’t really lash out at me or say the nasty things that I deserve to hear. Instead, he very calmly tells me that he doesn’t think that he loves me anymore. He says he can’t love me because of the way that I betrayed him. He says that the trust is gone. He stresses that he will always care for me but he can’t love me as a husband because of my actions. I understand this in a way, but it still breaks my heart. I still love him. He is the love of my life and I don’t want to let him go. How can I make him love me again so that we can move on and remain married?”

I did understand where this wife was coming from. I was the faithful spouse, but I watched my husband grapple with the same thing. We were able to restore the love in our marriage, but I firmly believe that my husband didn’t “make” me feel anything. Instead, his actions encouraged the love to return. I will explain the distinction below.

Why You Shouldn’t Attempt To “Make” Your Spouse Feel Anything.

I am going to be very honest in this article. I hope that I don’t come across as insensitive because I really do want to help. But frankly, sometimes the best thing that you can do when you want to save your marriage is to stress that you are the one who made the mistake and that you realize your job is to help your spouse to recover, regardless of what happens with your marriage. You want to show that you care more about their recovery than you care about yourself or even about your marriage.

But when you try to manipulate them into feeling something too soon for your own gain, you are truly only hurting yourself because they are going to see right through this and they are more likely to be even more reluctant to trust you.

But, if you just commit to acting in their best interest and you allow them to go at their own pace, they are actually more likely to feel positively toward you. In short, if you take the manipulation and impatience out of the equation, you are more likely to get the results that you want.

Focus On Being The Best Spouse That You Can Possibly Be And Have Confidence That Eventually the Love Will Return:

People often ask me for concrete things that they can do or say to bring the love back. But the thing is, I can’t point to one specific action that is going to work for every couple. It’s going to be different for each couple and it does take time.

Instead of trying to come up with a short term solution, look at the big picture of your marriage. If you want your spouse to love you, then you need to act in a lovable way over and over again until the trust is restored. You need to ask yourself what your spouse values the most.

I can give you a hint and say that most spouses who have been cheated on come to value honesty and loyalty very much. So, you want to make sure that everything that you say is completely accurate and honest. You want to make sure that from this day forward that everything that you say is true. You want to be loving and loyal. You want to be patient, kind, and reassuring. Because if your spouse feels as if you are impatient and trying to manipulate them, then they will begin to think that it is all about you and not about them.

They need to believe that you are putting them first. It’s likely that you have known your spouse long enough to know what they truly want from you. So, make sure that you are genuinely giving them what you know they want and that you are patiently waiting for them to accept it. Do not pressure them. Do not continue to ask them if they are beginning to love you again.

Instead, make sure that the focus is on helping them heal. And have confidence that if you focus on helping them and standing by them, eventually your loving behavior will bring about loving feelings in them.

The ball truly is in their court. But your actions, words, and behaviors go a long way toward making the outcome that you want more likely. Always remember that when you focus on helping them, you likely get benefits as well.

As I alluded to, my husband didn’t “make” me love him again.  But over time his actions encouraged the loving feelings to return.  I learned that I could trust what he said.  And it became obvious that he cared about me more than he cared about any outcome.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people try to gauge if there is going to be regret if their marriage ends because of an affair. And this can cause concern from both the faithful spouse and the cheating spouse.

Perspectives From The Cheating Spouse: From the cheating spouse, you might hear a comment like: “I am just going to be completely honest and say that I am in love with the other woman. I do not want to give her up. I feel like I do not want to live my life without her. She adds something to my life that I have not felt in a very long time and I can’t imagine giving that up. At the same time, my wife is a wonderful person and I hate the thought of hurting her and leaving her on her own. But, I can’t deny what I feel for the other woman. My biggest concern is my kids. I know that getting divorced will have a very negative effect on them. I was talking to my brother about this and he said that I need to find a way to love my wife again and save my family. He divorced because of an affair and although he said he felt confident about that decision at the time, he now regrets it more than any mistake he has ever made. He says that I will regret allowing an affair to cause me to divorce my wife also. Will I?”

While I can’t tell you how you might feel in the future, I can tell you that many people do express regret. Many people assume that the only time that someone feels regret is when the relationship with the other person doesn’t work out. This is sometimes true, but not always. Sometimes, there is regret even when the other relationship does work out. There is regret at the way that they handled it and for the way that they left the marriage without having the integrity to separate their marriage from the affair. It is one thing to start a relationship after you gave your marriage every fair chance and ultimately failed. But it is another thing to turn a blind eye to your family because you are so short-sighted because of the affair. Many people say that they wished they would have at least handled things differently and not put their own feelings before the feelings of their family. They feel regret that things worked out as they did and that they caused so much pain because of their actions.  There is often a lot of shame involved.  Because they know that they could have done better.

Perspectives From The Faithful Spouse: From the faithful spouse, you might hear a comment like: “I can not fathom trying to save a marriage with a man who has lied to and cheated on me. I do not want to be with someone who can betray me in this way. At the same time, my first priority is my kids. What is this going to do to them? What if ten years down the road I find myself still alone and I look back and wish that I would have given my husband a chance to make this up to me? Is it possible that I will regret it if I divorce my husband because of his affair?”

I do hear from faithful spouses who feel regret that they didn’t try to save their marriages, but I find this scenario less common. I find that it is more likely for the cheating spouse to feel regret and this is likely because it’s obvious that most of the blame lies with the spouse who chose to cheat.

With that said, I’ve found that both parties often do feel regret if they look back later and feel that they may have acted very swiftly. Many wish they had given it a little more time and “earned their way out.” What I mean by this is that many will tell you that they wish they could look back and honestly say that they had tried everything in their power to save their marriage before they made the decision to divorce. They might mention that they should have tried counseling or they might have tried to give it a little time to see if their anger or their feelings would have faded before they made the drastic decision to divorce. In short, when both parties feel regret, it usually is focused on the fact that they wished they would have given it a little more effort before they walked away.  And they wish they could have not been as emotional in front of their children. You will commonly hear them say “I wish I would have handled it differently and not let my emotions get away with me.  I wish I had set a better example for my kids.”

So what does this mean if you’re in the middle of a marriage where the affair is fresh? I can only offer suggestions. This decision is ultimately yours. But I would suggest at least considering a little time and perhaps some professional help before you make a decision with as many serious and long-reaching consequences as a divorce.  I know that this is a painful time, but try to always attempt to act in a way that you can proud of when you look back.

I can honestly say that my children were the sole reason I gave my husband another chance after his affair.  If it hadn’t been for this, I would have left without a glance back.  But, I’m glad that I hung in there and waited to see what would happen.  Because I have a very happy and strong family today.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives are devastated that their husband has decided that he wants to be with the woman with whom he has been cheating or having an affair. Sometimes, the wife has forced this choice with an ultimatum. But other times, the husband has made the choice on his own.

One of these wives might say: “about six months ago, I caught my husband cheating with our kids’ teacher. This was so devastating. Luckily, it was the end of the school year, so I no longer have to see her. But even though my husband claimed that he had ended the affair and was no longer in contact,  I later found out that this was not entirely true. When I confronted my husband, he didn’t deny it. He said he wasn’t sure if he could let her go. I told him that he would have to let her go if he still wanted to live with me and the kids. He told me he needed a week or so to make a decision. After a couple of weeks, he came home and packed his bags and said that he chose her. He said he would be in contact so he could see the kids. He has called them a couple of times but he hasn’t come by to see them. My friends say that I should accept that we are over. They say that there’s nothing that I can do because he has made his decision. Intellectually, I know that this must be right, but my heart isn’t listening. I just have this feeling that this is not the end for us. Do I even have a chance of being right?”

It’s Not Unusual For Husbands To Change Their Minds Later:

There is always a chance. People change their minds and figure out the affair (and the other person) was a mistake all of the time. Frankly, the statistics undeniably show that many of these deceptive relationships do not stand much of a chance. So many times, once the relationship ends, the husband will realize his mistake and will want to come back. Then the wife must decide if she wants to take him back. Some wives do allow him back and others do not.

Many husbands end up actually missing their wives after the novelty of the affair wears off, so it is absolutely possible that it is not over. But to be honest, it being over or not shouldn’t be more important than your own healing right now. Often, there is not much that you can do but wait and see how this is going to play out.  So while you are waiting, you have plenty of time to focus on yourself, how to best heal, and how to determine what you truly want in the future.

I know that it is very tempting to try to manipulate the situation in order to break them up or to bring him back to you, but so often this will backfire and you will regret acting in ways that are beneath you. It’s my experience that you are much better off biding your time and allowing her to be the one to make the mistakes.  Because this puts you in the best position to move forward in a positive way.

Focusing On Your Own Healing Puts You In The Best Position Moving Forward (And This Is True Regardless Of How Things Turns Out.)

As I said, I believe that focusing on your healing should be your most important task right now. Why? Because you deserve some reprieve from this situation. And because when this situation resolves itself (whether he comes back or not,) you will need to be as strong as you can possibly be to effectively handle it in the way that is the most positive and healthy for you.

And frankly, when your husband leaves to go be with another woman, this can deeply hurt your self-esteem. You need to restore it for both yourself and for your children. You do not deserve to feel that you are less than what you are because of a deplorable decision that you yourself did not make.

So to answer the question posed, your marriage might not be over.  He could realize that he was wrong and change his mind in the future.  This is certainly not unheard of.  But you will put yourself in the very best position if you are patient and let this play itself out while knowing that the odds are on your side. In the meantime, I would advise placing your focus less on what is going to happen with him and more on what is going to happen with you. It is in your best interest to build yourself up so that you are as strong and as confident as you possibly can be. This allows you to make a sound decision from a position of strength if your husband does decide to come back. And frankly, you’re committing to being the best version of yourself makes his return much more likely.

I know that it is incredibly hard to be patient while this is resolving itself.  But, keep in mind that you have a say in this also.  You don’t have to just wait around for him to make a decision or to change his mind.  You can decide the actions that you are going to take from today forward.  And I strongly believe that it is in your best interest for those actions to be based on your needs rather than his.  Once I realized this, it made a huge difference in my recovery and my marriage.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are hurting, but at the same time, they feel as if they have dodged a major bullet. They have caught their husband engaged in an emotional affair. They are hurt and devastated by this. But at the same time, they are grateful that they found out before the affair turned physical. They know that things could have been so much worse. And many are surprised at some of the feelings that come forth.

One might explain: “last week, I logged onto my husband’s email account to get the information I needed for my bank. I found an email from a woman at his work that was clearly inappropriate. After I read the first one, I started searching for others. After my search, I found that they had been acting inappropriately for about three months. However, as best as I could tell, it wasn’t a physical relationship. They sometimes discussed their families. I confronted my husband and he didn’t deny anything. He says he won’t communicate her any more if it that important to me. Well, it is vitally important to me. And I think my husband knows he was completely wrong because he’s been falling all over himself to be nice to me. What has me completely shocked is that suddenly, I have more desire for my husband. All of a sudden, I can’t keep my hands off of him. I’m sort of mad at myself because it’s almost like I am rewarding his bad behavior. If anything, I shouldn’t allow him to touch me. But I can’t seem to help it. I actually desire him more after he was inappropriate. What is wrong with me? I feel like an idiot.”

Frankly, there was nothing wrong with this wife. What she was describing is actually very common. Many wives find themselves suddenly receptive to their husband’s advances all of a sudden, even when they know that they should keep him at arm’s length. I will discuss some of the reasons behind this in the following article.

When You Realize That You Were Close To Possibly Losing Something, You Desire It That Much More:

Increased desire actually happens with physical infidelity also. Many people just do not understand how this is even remotely possible. The reason behind this is that suddenly you see how possible it is for your marriage to change in the blink of an eye. And that makes you feel much more vulnerable. As a result, you often want some reassurance that you can right this wrong. You still want some reassurance that you and your husband have chemistry and desire for one another.

And frankly, some wives have told me that thinking of their husband with someone else is almost a turn on because it provides confirmation that he is desirable. There is also the element of competition. The wife is now fully aware that if she doesn’t step up and save her marriage, the other woman might not hesitate to see that as an opportunity.

I know that some of these reasons may seem crazy to some. But it is really hard to fully explain unless you have experienced it. We don’t always have control over our emotions even when they frustrate us. Often, this surprises us more than anyone else.

Should You Act On These New Desires? Or Hold Back?

Many wives are not only confused as to why they are feeling these desires, but they also aren’t sure if they should act on them. As this wife said, you can almost feel as if you are rewarding your husband for his behavior by engaging intimately with him.

I can’t tell you what to do here. I assume you already know that most husbands will take full advantage of this and will feel quite relieved. This doesn’t mean that they are (or should be) off of the hook however.

Your increased desire doesn’t mean that you don’t have work to do. Whether your sex life is on the upswing or not, you can’t ignore the fact that you were likely very close to something that could have seriously challenged your marriage. So, while you can enjoy the new chemistry between you, I’d strongly suggest that you still examine where things went wrong and how you can prevent this from happening again.

With that said, I actually think knowing that the chemistry is still there is a very positive thing. Many couples struggle with this after infidelity. So luckily for you, this is just one less thing that you will have to deal with. But there are probably still many outstanding issues. You’ll both need to agree where you go from here and you’ll need to establish guidelines on which you both agree moving forward.

But to answer the question posed, this wife’s desire was very normal. It didn’t mean that anything was wrong with her. What was probably more likely was that she wanted to feel close to her husband because it was evident that their relationship was vulnerable and she wanted to reclaim it.

Our desire went up and down after my husband’s affair.  It wasn’t until we worked through our issues that I felt safe to fully engage again.  I don’t think I would have ever have had enough peace of mind to feel safe if we hadn’t done this work.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Some people are sincerely remorseful for their infidelity and they truly want to save their marriage. But they sometimes believe that they may not succeed because of the damage that the infidelity has done to their spouse or to their marriage. One common complaint of this type is excessive insecurity on the part of the faithful spouse.

Someone might explain: “I know that the damage to my marriage and to my husband is all my fault because I had an affair. I know that I have the responsibility to make this up to him and I truly want to do that. But it seems as if I can never win. He is so insecure despite my reassurances that it has become a major issue for us. If I try to be loving toward him, he will always make a comment that insinuates that my love can’t be sincere because I cheated. If I tell him that he looks nice, he will say something sarcastic. I can’t even glance toward another man without him becoming suspicious or thinking that I am checking the other man out. I am not. I love my husband and I want to stay married to him. But his insecurity is unattractive and I hate always feeling like I am walking on eggshells. What can I do about his insecurity that never seems to end? Because I don’t think that we’re going to make it if he continues to act this way.”

Believe it or not, even though I am a wife who was cheated on, I do understand what this woman was saying. I have witnessed this situation in its extremes and I fully admit that it can become a real problem. But believe me when I say that the faithful spouse does not enjoy feeling so much doubt and worry that they become insecure. They likely hate feeling the way that they do. And they need your help to turn the corner. I will offer some tips on how to do this below.

Understand That How You Respond Can Either Help Or Hurt The Situation:

I do understand that this situation can be frustrating. But it is so important to understand that the way you handle this can either help to alleviate or to reinforce their insecurity. If you get angry with them or belittle their concerns, then once again they are probably thinking that you are slipping away from them and, as a result, they feel even more insecure. The best way to handle this is to stop what you are doing, hold their hand, look them straight in the eye, and tell them that you are sincere in everything that you say and that over time, your actions are going to prove that to them.

Understand That They Have The Right To Have Doubts, But Your Consistent Actions Over Time Matter:

It’s very important that it’s apparent that you accept some responsibility for their insecurity. They wouldn’t be acting this way if you had never been unfaithful. So it’s important that this comes through in both your words and your actions.

With that said, regaining their trust is going to take time. And that is what it comes down to – trust. They are insecure because they trusted you once and it was a mistake to do so. So their insecurity is a way to keep their guard up so that they will not be hurt again. But believe me when I say that they want for you to chisel away at these protective walls. They want to feel secure again. But until the trust is restored, they just don’t feel comfortable doing so.  They worry that trusting you again will mean more pain for them.  So they are watching you very closely.  You often see this as suspicion but part of it is that they are actually hoping to see something positive that indicates that they can let their guard down just a little bit.

Make You They Are Justified In Trusting You Again:

It is your job to make sure that it is safe for them to let down their guard.  You can’t ask them to stop being insecure when you are giving them legitimate reasons to do so.  Make sure that you mean every word you say and that you follow through on every claim that you make.  Because even tiny little untruths only reinforce their insecurity.

Over time, if they see that you have made good on every promise and that your actions are in alignment with your words, then you should start to see the insecurity wane.  It is very normal for the faithful spouse to struggle with their self-esteem.  It’s very important that you support them in every aspect when it comes to their rebuilding their self-worth.  Because when they do, your life will become much easier and your marriage will likely improve also.

Always remember that your spouse didn’t choose any of this and they are likely doing the best that they can.  Approach them in a way that shows them that you want to reassure and help them, not argue with them or tell them why they are wrong.

I can’t stress how important your actions are right now.  When my husband got frustrated with my insecurity, this only made it worse.  But when he showed patience and just kept repeating the same claims that repeatedly turned out to be true, I eventually learned that I could trust him again and my insecurity began to wane.  What helped me, even more, was rebuilding my self-esteem.  It wasn’t until I was confident again that I felt comfortable trusting.  If you helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives describe themselves as “naive” or “stupid” after they realize that their husband has been cheating or having an affair.  They often become angry with themselves for not seeing it coming or for not being more suspicious.  They often blame themselves just as much as they blame their husbands.

One might say: “last week, a woman called me at home and told me that she had been having an affair with my husband.  She is a member of his service club so every time I thought he was getting together with his male friends to do good deeds or to make a difference in his community, he was actually meeting with her and cheating.  Now that I am beginning to put the pieces of the puzzle together, I realize that I have missed many warning signs.  He was always claiming to stay late at work.  He started going to service meetings about twice as often, and he hasn’t had nearly as much interest in me for the past few months.  I told myself that he was stressed because of his increased work load but this was just me trying to make excuses for him.  I truly feel so stupid.  I am so angry at myself.  Will I ever stop feeling this way?  I’m not sure if I will ever trust a man again because I am not sure if I trust myself to see the signs right in front of me.”

It’s not difficult to feel so deeply for this wife.  Because if I’m being honest, I have to tell you that nearly all faithful wives feel this way at some point if the affair caught them off guard.  However, although I can identify with these feelings, I also strongly disagree with them.  I’ll explain why in the following article.

Trusting In And Wanting To Believe The Best About Your Husband Does Not Make You Stupid:  

Please don’t be too hard on yourself.  You didn’t see this coming because you didn’t want to think the worst of your husband.  You expected the best of him and you trusted him because that is what you are supposed to do in a healthy and happy marriage.  Being constantly suspicious and accusatory is damaging to your marriage.  The fact that you only saw the good in him and in your marriage says a lot about you as a person.  And I mean this is a good way.  It makes you loving and optimistic.  It doesn’t make you stupid.

Why It Would Be Silly And Detrimental For You To Blame Yourself:

Let’s think for a second about whose behavior was stupid.  Was the wife the one who betrayed her marriage vows while carrying on with someone else?  Was the wife the one who lied to her spouse on a continuous basis?  Was the wife the one who pulled away from her spouse while forging along with someone else?  The answer to all of these questions is no.  The husband and the other woman both participated in actions that were neither honorable nor smart.  So if anyone is lacking in judgment or intellect here, it is certainly not the wife, it is the parties who were unfaithful and deceptive.

For your own self-preservation, make sure that you place the blame where it belongs.  Because it does not belong to you. The truth is, you did absolutely nothing wrong.  You believed in your marriage and in your spouse.  And there is nothing wrong with that.

Why Rebuilding Your Self Esteem Should Be Part Of Your Recovery:

Hopefully, this article has changed your thinking somewhat.  It isn’t fair for you to feel bad about yourself or in any way responsible.  However, you can know this intellectually but be unable to put it into action in your day to day life.

That’s why it’s imperative that you rebuild your self-esteem no matter what you decide to do about your marriage.  You don’t deserve to be wounded more than you already have.  And not believing in yourself is wounding you.

I will admit that I felt stupid on many levels after my own husband’s affair.  And even as we tried very hard to restore our marriage (and actually made some progress,) I continued to feel bad and my self-esteem continued to plummet.  I got pretty tired of this cycle, so I decided to take action and to make some changes.  I returned to school and started a career that I always wanted to pursue.  These things helped me a lot and proved to me that by no means was I stupid or incapable.  And I’m glad I did this work because it allowed me to move forward in my marriage.  It gave me the confidence to know that I could handle myself no matter what.

If you need to do some work on your life or on your self-esteem, please give yourself permission to do so.  Because no matter what you want to happen with your marriage, you will likely remain stuck if you don’t restore your belief in yourself and in your own abilities.  And your husband’s actions and decisions really have nothing to do with your own worth or with your own abilities.

I hope I’ve shown you that although your husband did a stupid thing, this certainly doesn’t affect your intellect.  I know that this is a difficult time, but know that you have control over your own healing.  It’s my experience that things do get better and this will happen more quickly if you take the initiative and refuse to blame yourself.  I learned this first hand and I find it to be true much of the time.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people are suffering from a double blow. Not only have they found out that their spouse has been cheating or having an affair, but they are also dealing with the fact that their cheating spouse is pushing for a separation.

One of them could explain: “I found out about three weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me for about two months. I expected him to agree to go to counseling and to break off the affair, but this isn’t what happened. Instead, he said that he wants to separate because he isn’t sure what he wants. He says that he needs time to get himself together and determine where he wants to go from here. This infuriates me. Frankly, I might have pushed for a separation first if he wasn’t acting this way. But why does he get to decide to separate? I feel as if he is only doing this so he can continue to see the other woman and determine where their relationship is goingasAnd, is weird as it is, now that he wants to leave me, I am determined to get him to stay. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I don’t want to separate. I feel as if we need time together to sort this out before we come to any decisions. Is there anything that I can do to change his mind? I’ve thought about giving him ultimatums or trying to get him to feel guilty. But I don’t know if either of these things will work because maybe he is just determined to be with her. What should I do?”

While I couldn’t tell this wife what she should do (as only she could make this decision) I could offer her some insights on what her husband might be thinking or what his strategy might be. I will do that below.

Sometimes, He Says He Wants A Separation As Part Of His Own Strategy:

Often, a cheating husband will suggest a separation as a way to beat you to it. Often, he hopes that his wanting a separation will mean that you don’t want it as a result. The hope is that you will insist that a separation isn’t necessary. In this way, he has shifted the power in the relationship and he has taken away your ability to ponder what you actually want. And, he knows that it’s unlikely that you will now be the one to suggest separating.

I am not saying that this was definitely the case in this scenario, but it was certainly a possibility. Now, it’s certainly not out of the question that he wants some time apart because he intends to see the other woman. But frankly, giving him ultimatums or trying to make him feel guilty isn’t likely to change his mind. Instead, it may alienate him even more so that he is even more motivated to be with her.  Your response really depends on how you want to proceed.

How To Respond If You Really Don’t Want To Separate:

I know that this wife was adamant that she didn’t want him to move out. But she freely admitted that she had initially thought of a break herself before her husband brought it up first. So, she needed to take an honest look as to whether her reaction was authentic or if she was reacting the way that she was because of her pain at his actions.

If she decided that she truly didn’t want to separate, then she might ask him to take a certain amount of time before he actually moved out. She might say something like: “I understand that you’re confused but we can’t access where we are if you just take off without us having any time to regroup. Would you agree to delay this decision for a month just to give us a chance to evaluate where we want to go together?”

The other alternative would be to take a somewhat hard stance. The idea is that you draw a line in the sand and let him know that continuing to see her is not only unacceptable, but that if he does this, he will lose his access to you. To that end, you might want to say something like: “I understand you’re needing some time. I need some time also. But I need to make it very clear that if you engage with any other women during the separation, then our relationship will need to be put on hold. I can not try to reconcile with you if I feel like you are not being faithful to me. So if you have any interest in saving our marriage, then we need to talk in depth about either delaying the separation or establishing some boundaries during it.”

Often, when he sees that asking for the separation isn’t going to mean that you’re going to beg him not to go or to give him free reign with the other woman, then it begins to lose its appeal. And you can move forward and begin healing a little quicker since that issue is no longer between you.

My husband initially tried this strategy, but it backfired on him because I myself was all for a separation due to my severe anger at his actions.  As soon as he saw it wasn’t going to work, he became honest about wanting to make things right again.  This wasn’t an easy process.  But it was worth it because ultimately we were able to rebuild our marriage after the infidelity.  If it helps you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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