Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many people assume that if a couple has sexual problems after one of them has cheated and had an affair, it is because the faithful spouse just doesn’t want to be intimate with someone who has been unfaithful. Sometimes, surprisingly, it is the exact opposite. The scenario in which the cheating spouse is reluctant to have sex again is less common, but it most certainly happens.

A wife might say: “my husband had an affair three months ago. We have decided to try to make our marriage work. I want to bond with and be close to my husband again but he resists this. The other day, I decided that on that evening, we should be intimate again. I bought some new lingerie, lit some candles, and made the moves on my husband after dinner. Although he was willing to kiss and hold me a little bit, he wouldn’t go any further than this. When I asked him what was wrong, he said that it was too soon to be intimate again. Why does he get to decide when it’s too soon? Frankly, this makes me feel rejected. This makes me feel like he’s not turned on by or attracted to me. I worry that if he’s not attracted to me, he will cheat again. But he says that I am reading too much into this and he just wants for us to take our time so that everything is right. I tried to make some moves on him again last night and he said the same thing once again and I felt so rejected. What is going on with him?”

Although I certainly couldn’t read this husband’s mind, I could speculate. I dialog with a lot of husbands about this on my blog and I can tell you what many of these husbands express. I will share that below as well as offer some suggestions on to how to deal with this.

Why He May Want To Hold Off On Being Intimate After His Affair:

Because our self-esteem takes a huge hit after infidelity, many wives will worry and assume that their husband isn’t attracted to them or can’t perform because he isn’t turned on by them any longer. This isn’t always the case.

Sometimes, he doesn’t feel that he deserves to be intimate with you. Other times, he worries that the experience will be awkward or won’t go well and he’s afraid that you will assume that the affair took away the spark in your marriage. Finally, he may have some anxiety about his performance because he may fear that you will be wondering how it was with the other woman.

In short, typically both parties really want for the first time that they are intimate again after the affair to be a good experience. So some people would rather wait to be sure that it is right than to rush things and regret it.

Believe it or not, I agree with this husband’s stance. It’s very common for the sex to be less than perfect when you rush it. And there are so many things to work through after an affair, that you don’t need sexual problems on top of anything else.

I often advocate waiting if there is any doubt at all. In fact, I think that it can sometimes be a good idea to wait until you can’t stand it anymore. Because once you get to this level, it becomes obvious that no one is faking it and that the time is definitely right.

What’s The Best Way To Handle This Situation? How Should The Wife Respond?:

Even though I believe that waiting can be beneficial, I completely understand why the wife wants this type of affirmation. When you have been cheated on, you want to feel desired and attractive. You want that confirmation that your spouse still wants you despite all that you have been through.

I think that this can be accomplished without rushing into sex if one spouse is unsure. You can ask your husband for what you need and find a compromise where everyone is happy. A suggested script might be something like: “I understand that you are hesitant and I’m not going to push you. But I need to feel desired and loved. Can you just hold me? Can we still be physical with one another without being intimate? Even hugging or kissing me, holding my hand, rubbing my back, or stroking my cheek tells me that you desire me enough to want to show me physical affection. It’s very important for me to feel the physical validation of your feelings for me. So while I can accept holding off on sexual intimacy, I can’t hold off on physical intimacy. I need for you to show me that you physically desire me even if we aren’t having sex for now.”

Usually, your husband will see that you aren’t asking him for much. And frankly, sometimes when he complies with all of that affirming touch, one thing will lead to another until you reach that point where you are both sure and can’t wait anymore. Because that really is the best case scenario because there is no longer any doubt and no one feels as if they are giving in.

I tried not to focus on sex too much after my husband’s affair.  I decided that we should wait until it was clear that the time was right for both of us.  And this turned out to be the right call.  Settling our marriage on an emotional level and restoring the trust was much more important to me.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people are dealing with more than just their spouse’s cheating or affair. They are dealing with their spouse’s anger over the fact that they didn’t keep the dirty little secret all to themselves. Often, when the faithful spouse shares the infidelity with his or her family, the cheating spouse can feel quite betrayed, which is ironic when you think about it.

Here’s an example: “my husband and I are struggling to pick up the pieces after his affair. For a while, I didn’t even know if I was going to give him a second chance. But for the last couple of weeks, we’ve been trying to reconnect and see what happens. Last night, we were at my parents house for dinner. My grown children were there also. After dinner, my husband was sullen. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he could tell that I had told everyone about his affair. He said he could tell that people were staring at him and acting differently around him. The truth is, I did tell everyone there about his affair. I am very close to my parents. And I told my children because I wanted to warn them that I might be moving out. I don’t get why he’s so angry and I almost don’t care. If he hadn’t cheated, then I wouldn’t have anything at all to tell my family. This is his own fault. Is he ever going to get over this?”

I couldn’t predict when this husband was going to get over it. But I can offer some suggestions on why he might be acting this way and how to handle it, which I will do below.

The Cheating Spouse Is Often Not Only Embarrassed And Ashamed, But He Also Can Worry That The Cheating Will Mean He’s Never Accepted By Your Family Again:

Although not everyone will admit it, most people really want for their in-laws and their spouse’s family to like and to accept them. And when they make this grave of a mistake, then they know that this acceptance is in serious jeopardy.

Also, they worry that your family will not support your efforts to reconcile if they know that they have been unfaithful. In short, they feel that this is something that they will never be able to live down, especially now that everyone knows about it.

Finally, they are often ashamed and embarrassed. Imagine everyone knowing the worst thing that you have ever done. Bu no means am I defending a cheating spouse, but this can be their thought process.

Know That It Will Eventually Become Clear That This Isn’t The Most Pressing Of Your Problems:

Your spouse is angry right now for all of the issues mentioned above. But in the days to come, there will likely be bigger issues that come to the surface. Plus, you likely don’t deal with your family every day. So, this may not be a day to day issue, especially as you begin to attempt rehabilitation and healing. In the days to come, I will suspect that this issue will get delegated to the back of the line as you just have bigger issues to deal with and  to overcome.

How To Handle Your Spouse’s Anger When You Disclosed The Cheating To Your Family:

I have to admit that I know from experience that there is some validity to the cheating spouse’s argument. Sometimes, the faithful spouse even regrets sharing the existence of the cheating because her own family just can’t let it go. Sometimes, time passes and she wants to move on, but her family is always making comments or watching her husband like a hawk. So try to understand that there are some legitimate concerns and you will want to address those with your spouse.

A suggested script might be something like: “I can tell that you’re furious that I told my family about us. I admit that I spoke without thinking. But I love my family and I don’t hide things from them. If you’re concerned that they will thwart our ability to reconcile, I will make it clear that they can support me but not interfere. Our marriage and our reconciliation are between the two of us. You do not answer to my family, but you do answer to me. If the two of us can work things out, my family will support us. They only want for me to be happy. If we recover so that I am happy, then they will be happy for me. Now we need to move on because we obviously have bigger issues to work through than what my family thinks. What is important is what we think and how we move forward.”

He may not let go of his anger immediately. But in the days to come, he will see that he has bigger issues to face. Tensions are typically high right now and sometimes, a cheating spouse will look for reasons to become angry just so that they can be the innocent party for a change. They will likely let it go once they realize you aren’t going to discuss it any further and that you are more interested in moving on than in debating an issue that probably won’t affect your bottom line.

I have to say that I do somewhat regret telling third parties about my husband’s affair.  As I said, sometimes you are ready to move on but your confidants will not let you.  However, there’s no taking it back once you have spoken.  So, you just have to move on, set clear boundaries, and do the best that you can.  None of this is easy, but it can certainly be worth it.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process from beginning to end on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people are consumed with guilt and shame because of the extra marital affair for which they never planned. Often, they never intended to cheat on their spouse. Many used to harshly judge friends or colleagues when they cheated because they always thought that this was something that they themselves would never do. And so, when they find themselves the victim of the old cliche of the complacent spouse surprised by their own cheating, they are paralyzed by the ensuing shock and shame that follows.

One of these folks might say: “If everyone knew about my affair, I would be the laughing stock of the neighborhood. It is such an old cliche. But I had an affair with our lawn guy. My husband works very hard, but he is always very busy. Once the kids went to school, I had a lot more time on my hands and a lot less to occupy it. And I became very lonely. One day, I invited the lawn guy in for lemonade and we just started talking. Eventually, this became a habit and one thing lead to another. The thing is, the other man is a really good guy. My actions were deplorable on so many levels.  Neither man deserved this, but my husband deserved it least of all.  I knew what I was doing was wrong. So I broke it off. I have started taking care of the lawn myself. Telling my husband was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Basically, I had to admit to my husband that while he was out providing for our family, I betrayed him and put that same family at risk. I have a hard time looking my husband in the eye. I have offered to go to counseling but so far, he hasn’t taken me up on this. I feel that I don’t deserve my husband’s time, love, or effort. I feel like I don’t even deserve to live in my home. I am so ashamed of my actions. I thought this was something I would never do. I always thought that people who cheated were low-quality people who couldn’t control themselves and now I am one of them. I truly don’t know how to pick myself up from this. The shame is eating me alive. What can I do?”

You Can Start By Knowing That You Can’t Change The Past But You Do Have Control Over The Future: I felt a lot of compassion for this wife. Even though I have been on the other side of this situation (as I was the spouse who was cheated on,) it was very obvious that she was sincere and that she was practically overcome by her shame. It was also obvious that she would give anything to take the affair back. She was fully aware that she had hurt no less than four people (her husband, the other man, herself, and her child.) Unfortunately, there was really nothing that she could do to change the past. There is no way to turn back time or to pretend that the affair never happened. It did. There’s no turning away from that.

However, what you can control are your future behaviors and reactions. You can vow to become the best wife that you can be from today forward. You can find constructive ways to deal with loneliness and boredom. You can vow to do whatever your husband needs for you to do in order to restore his trust. Take full advantage of those things you can control and try to move on from what you can’t. Because frankly, the guilt does you no good, which leads me to my next point.

The Shame Isn’t Serving Any Purpose: The fact that this wife felt such remorse and shame said a lot about her as a person. And, the same may have even been somewhat reassuring to her husband. But eventually, this type of all-encompassing shame hurts you much more than it helps you. It cripples you so that you don’t feel like an equal party in your marriage. It makes you fearful and meek. It shifts the balance in your marriage and gives you yet one more issue to overcome.

Understand that this isn’t helping you. It is hurting you. If you truly want to save your marriage and move past this, then you have to move away from these type of negative feelings and trade them for more positive ones.

The Real Shame Would Be In Staying Stuck: I completely understand why this wife was ashamed. She had acted in a way that she knew was wrong and she had hurt someone whom she loved deeply. But the only way to change this is to make it right. And when you are paralyzed by guilt and shame, then you limit your ability to do this.

I advocate doing whatever you need to do in order to rebuild your self-esteem. Get counseling if you need it. Become the best wife that you can possibly be. Become the type of spouse that you yourself would want. And vow to always conduct yourself in a way that makes you proud. If you do these things, the shame will eventually wane. Moving forward and ensuring that this never happens again is the healthiest thing that you can do for yourself and your family. But dwelling on the shame just ensures that you remain stuck.

As I alluded to, I was the faithful spouse.  But my husband struggled with guilt and shame for quite a while until he finally accepted that it was holding us back rather than helping us to move forward.  Once we both committed to moving forward at all costs, things changed for the better.  If it helps, you can read our story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear about somewhat strange situations that involve infidelity.  Occasionally, I hear of a situation in which the “other woman” is actually living with the husband and his wife.  As you might expect, the wife often wants to end this situation as soon as is possible.

One of these wives might say: “when my husband asked me to take in a long time family friend, I really didn’t hesitate. The truth is that over the course of our marriage, many of my family members have lived with us until they could get back on their feet. My husband grew up right down the street with the woman in question and they have known one another since they were children.  So I didn’t think it was any big deal for her to live with us until she could find a job.  Well, after she had been living with us for about eight months, she came and told me that for the last two months, my husband had been coming home for lunch and sleeping with her.  He didn’t deny any of it when I confronted him. He said that she had always been special to him but now their relationship had changed.  He believes that she knows him better than anyone, including me.  I was so angry and I told him that the affair must end.  He told me that he would stop sleeping with her, but I don’t think he has.  I can tell by the way that they are looking at one another.  I am pretty sure they picked up right where they left off.  How can I put a stop to the affair?”

What a difficult situation this was.  The wife was only trying to do a good deed by helping out someone in need and now she felt as if she would look like the bad guy if she forced the other woman out.  However, I thought the bad guy in this scenario had already been well established and I felt that her guilt was definitely misplaced. I’ll discuss this more below.

Your First Goal Should Be To Get Her Out Of The House As Soon As Possible:  Quite frankly, eight months seems to be enough time for someone to find a job.  Sure, the job that she is able to obtain may not be her first choice, but the whole idea was for her to get onto her feet not to get used to living in someone else’s house while sleeping with someone’s husband.

This wife seemed like a very kind-hearted person who wanted to help someone in need.  But sometimes, enough has to be enough.  When someone uses your own kindness to betray or hurt you, then your kindness should immediately cease.  You should not allow them to continue to take advantage of you. The first course of action should be to get the other woman to leave the house as soon as possible.  Ideally, the husband would agree to this.  But if not, then the wife would need to state her case very plainly.

Recovering from an affair is very difficult even when the other woman is out of the picture.  But having her living under the same roof is almost cruel.  I can not imagine saving your marriage and healing while having to share a home with her.  If this husband’s marriage were important to him, he would agree with his wife and tell the woman that she must find other living arrangements in a reasonable amount of time.

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By: Katie Lersch: Many faithful wives feel that they are hearing complaints or even scolding for something that is almost their right – continuously talking about their husband’s past affair or indiscretions. Wives often feel as if they have a right to continue to ask questions or to continue to bring up the affair when it crosses their mind. But often, the husband who had the affair disagrees and quickly loses patience when conversations continue to return to his mistake.

Here’s an example: “my husband has become increasingly frustrated because he says I talk about the affair too much. He says that it is beyond time for me to leave it in the past. It has been six months since I found out about the affair and I still have a lot of questions and a lot of need for clarification. But my husband says he has already told me all of the information that he has. He says he’s tired of me telling all my friends about the affair because he feels that the affair now defines his life. He says he doesn’t want to continue to live his life as the husband who cheated. He says that I am going to have to move on and stop talking about it so much because he can’t continue to live like this. So now I am just as frustrated as him because I can’t imagine not talking about it. Perhaps in a few years when we have fully healed and all of my questions have been answered, I could do that. But to me, it is still so fresh and I still have a lot to say. I am sorry that he doesn’t like talking about this, but I need to talk about it. And frankly, it is his fault. If he had never had the affair in the first place then, this wouldn’t even be a topic of conversation or an issue. Who is right here?”

Believe it or not, even as a wife who has dealt with an affair, I can see both sides of this argument. To tell the truth, there is a real risk in your marriage becoming defined by the affair if you are not careful. I do understand feeling as if you need all of the details and you need to be able to speak your mind when the thoughts present themselves. However, if this goes on for too long, your spouse can begin to believe that no matter what he does or how hard he tries to make it right, there is never going to be any silver lining for him because he will never be able to escape this one mistake. And, it can be very hard to truly heal and to just enjoy one another once again when you never know when that more affair talk is going to be right around the corner.

You Should (And Can) Find A Balance That Makes Everyone Happy: As someone who has been through this myself, I understand that the idea of being censored or of not being able to ask questions or speak your mind likely seems completely unfair. And you would be right. No one is saying that you have to censor yourself on a continual basis. What I am suggesting, though, is that you consciously try to limit it to one (or a few) set times that you both come to expect. That way, you will feel reassurance in knowing that you will be heard, addressed, and answered while your spouse also knows that he doesn’t have to tip toe around you because the affair talk could escape your lips at any time. So, he gets some relief and you get some reassurance that you are going to be heard.

Understand That The Affair Talk Should Remain Between The Two Of You: I have to say that I have come to agree with people who insist that the details of the affair remain between both of the spouses. I know that it is tempting to continuously confide in your friends or family, but if you constantly take part in this, you are limiting the relationship that your family will have with your spouse should you choose to reconcile down the road.

I can’t tell you how many people tell me that they wished they would have kept the affair to themselves. The reason for this is that often the people to whom you confide just will not or cannot leave it in the past. Often, you find that you have healed and want to move on but your coworker will continuously bring you back to the affair in subtle but obvious ways. Or you’ll start getting the vibe that your mom will never trust your husband again. I understand that it feels good to confide in someone, but when you do, you have to understand that you are probably going to change their relationship with your spouse. And this could also affect (and hurt) you in the long run.

So I know from observation and experience that any talk about the affair should remain between the spouses or a counselor or neutral third party. Bringing friends and family into the mix is almost always a bad idea that will turn out to be damaging later. Not only that, but it can’t be undone. You can’t tell your friends or family to forget about what you’d said once you’ve already uttered those words.

So what happens if you’ve said too much and you regret it? Control what you can right now. Agree to find an acceptable middle ground with your spouse and limit the talk to the two of you at an agreeable time and frequency.  Don’t get me wrong. It is your right to have your questions answered and your observations respected.  But it also helps to limit the talk to something that is tolerable to both of you.

Don’t get me wrong.  After my husband’s affair, it was all I wanted to talk about because I just could not wrap my brain around it.  But this got old eventually.  And I came to realize that bringing it up so much was allowing it to define our marriage and was keeping us from truly moving forward.  And, once we turned that corner, things changed for the better.  If it helps, you read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many people are terrified that their spouse is going to cheat on them.  Worse, they know somewhere deep in their heart that their spouse might have this right because the cheating would be in retaliation.  In this situation, one spouse has cheated so the other feels the need to also cheat either to retaliate, to make themselves feel more desirable, or to demonstrate how being cheated on feels.

One of these spouses might explain: “when I had a drunken fling with an old boyfriend, I immediately confessed to my husband because I didn’t want anything to destroy my marriage.  I have repeatedly apologized and have been a good wife ever since.  But the other day, I was looking at my husband’s Facebook account and I noticed he had a lot of flirtatious emails from women from his old hometown.  Worse than this, he is the one who initiated the contact.  At first, I did not confront him because I almost felt that I didn’t have the right.  I hoped that he would stop on his own.  But after several weeks of reading all of these emails that showed no signs of slowing up, I finally broke down and asked him why he was carrying on with these women.  He very calmly told me that he felt it was his right to experiment with other women if he felt like it.  He told me that he could cheat with one of them and I would have no right to become angry about it.  I then asked him if he was trying to have an affair.  He told me that maybe he was.  He said that if the opportunity presented itself, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do but he certainly wasn’t going to feel guilty for being unfaithful since I’ve already cheated on him.  This is tearing me apart.  My husband got his wish and now I almost know how it feels to be cheated on.  But my own infidelity has almost destroyed my marriage.  I don’t think we can withstand another infidelity.  What can I do to make him understand this?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Get Help For The Initial Infidelity As Soon As Possible: Often when the faithful spouse suddenly wants to cheat, it is because they are acting out of fear and insecurity.   Being cheated on has made them feel undesirable and anxious.  So in an attempt to restore their own self-esteem, they will often see if they can appear attractive and desirable to someone else.  If they begin a flirtation with an attractive third party, then this gives them validation that they are desirable and that their spouse made a grave mistake by cheating on them.

Another reason that they will turn to someone else is for punishment.  Often, they don’t believe that their spouse is truly sorry.  Or, they believe that their spouse hasn’t yet paid the full price for the infidelity.  However, once you get help for the infidelity and you both heal, you can erase this problem so that your spouse no longer feels the need to lash out.

Make It Clear That Continued Infidelity Is Only Going To Cause More Pain:  One thing that you may want to try is to stress that their cheating is only going to make things worse for both of you.  And you want to make clear that you don’t need for them to cheat in order to feel remorse or to learn a lesson.  A suggested script might be something like: “I completely understand and acknowledge that I have hurt you.  I understand that I deserve your anger and frustration.  But cheating on me isn’t going to take any of that anger and frustration away.  It is only going to hurt both of us more and make us feel more confused.  It will only dig a deeper hole.  If there is anything that you need from me in order to feel better, then just say the word.  I am willing to do whatever it takes to show you that I am serious about our marriage and about rehabilitation.  But cheating on me isn’t the answer.”

Ask Your Spouse To Commit To Take A Set Amount Of Time Before They Act: Unfortunately sometimes, no matter what you do or say, your spouse is going to still feel the itch to cheat because they are still hurting.  That’s why it’s very helpful to try to get them to agree to a set amount of time to wait before they act.  For example, you might ask them to commit to going to counseling or to try facilitating healing on your own for six months before they make any final decisions.  The idea is that this will give you enough time to heal the relationship so that they are no longer tempted to cheat.  A suggested conversation might start something like this: “I understand that anyone in your situation would feel justified to cheat in retaliation.  But if you do, this may destroy our marriage beyond repair.  I am asking you to give me six months to make this up to you before you act. ”

If you can get your spouse to agree to this, it buys you a lot of time which will sometimes be all that you need.  I know that this hurts.  But often, they are just trying to scare you and they are acting out of anger.  Try to understand their motivations so that you can remain patient.  Because if you overreact and become angry, then this will only push them toward cheating that much more.

I have to say that when my own husband cheated on me, the idea of retaliation cheating did cross my mind in the very beginning.  But I’m a very introverted person and I knew that I would never go through with it.  If I had, I suspect it would have completely destroyed my marriage.  In the end, it was the healing that allowed me to turn the corner and to not think about retaliation anymore.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives feel as if they are being pressured into counseling after their husband has cheated or had an affair. They are often still reeling and they don’t want to be forced into a quick decision or commitment.

One might comment: “when I found out about my husband’s affair, I told him very directly that I was going to need a lot of time in order to determine how I wanted to proceed. I didn’t kick him out, but I didn’t agree to stay in our marriage either. Frankly, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. So I told him that he could continue living with me and our kids while I took my time evaluating what I wanted to do about us. Honestly, I thought that I might watch his behaviors and see how he was acting toward me and combine those observations with my own feelings in order to make a decision. Well, apparently, this process isn’t fast enough for my husband. He has started contacting and interviewing counselors. He is pushing for me to go to counseling with him and I’m not sure that I am ready for that. I worry that if I agree to go to counseling, this will almost be like condoning the affair and it is almost like me saying I’m willing to work with him to save our marriage. And I don’t want to give either impression. What do you think?”

You Have Control Over What You Want The Counseling To Address: I have a definite opinion on this based on my own experience and observations. I believe that counseling can be incredibly helpful, but both people need to be on board in order to take full advantage of it. Often, you have one spouse who is quite willing while the other spouse feels as if they are merely along for the ride. And this can lead to resentment and can keep the counseling from being as effective as it should or could be.

With that said, I don’t feel as if going to counseling is condoning the affair. You can make it very clear that you are reserving judgment about the future but are going to counseling in order to obtain some clarity and some help for the sake of your children.

Also, if this wife didn’t feel comfortable going as a couple, she could always go on an individual basis. I can tell you from experience that it’s not always a good idea to talk to friends or family members about this topic because if you do end up saving your marriage later, then people who you care about are going to have judgments about your spouse and your marriage. Who needs that? This is why it helps to talk to a neutral third party who isn’t involved in the day to day life or you or your spouse.

Also, it really says a lot about this husband that he went and sought out and then interviewed counselors on his own. I can tell you that very few husbands take this sort of initiative. So the fact that this husband was taking this onto his own shoulders told me that he was very motivated to help his wife and/or to save his marriage.

However, him taking this initiative didn’t mean that the wife was bound to go along with it if she was uncomfortable, but I felt there was no harm in taking advantage of the counseling.  She may ultimately decide that she doesn’t want to save her marriage, but this didn’t mean that she couldn’t accept the help that the counseling might offer.  Nothing said her accepting the help meant she owed her husband anything.  Plus, if she didn’t like the fact that the husband chose or interviewed the counselor, then she should feel free to talk with her own.

And I’d like to make one additional point. This couple had children. And while the wife might ultimately decide that she can’t get over the infidelity, the fact that they had kids meant that they would still need to deal with one another in a positive way on a regular basis. A counselor can help you to do that, even if you don’t ultimately remain married.

Counseling Isn’t For Everyone. But Even If You Don’t Get Counseling, Consider Seeking Some Sort Of Release: I do understand that going to a counselor isn’t for everyone. Some people want to keep this issue private and aren’t comfortable in this type of external setting. I understand this as I’m very introverted and don’t enjoy sharing personal issues with those that I do not know very well. However, if you don’t take advantage of the counseling, please try to find a release somewhere even if you only journal or talk to a loved one whom you can trust completely. Educate yourself about what it takes to really heal, because no one deserves to serve a life sentence of pain and doubt for a choice that their spouse made.

But to address the original concern, I truly don’t feel that attending counseling is condoning the cheating. You can make it very clear that you aren’t yet sure how you want to proceed while still taking advantage of the observations and help that the skilled third party can offer.

With that said, counseling was only one of the things that helped me heal.  And I honestly found things that were more helpful to me.  You should feel free to try different things until you hit your own comfort level.  Because if you aren’t comfortable, you aren’t going to be open.  However, I advocate giving every option a fair chance before you make any decisions.  I understand that this is probably a very confusing time.  But it does get better.  You can read about some things which helped me to move forward after infidelity on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives are wondering when they are going to feel loving toward their husband again after he has cheated or had an affair. Many can’t help but see him differently after the infidelity. And some can’t imagine ever feeling the same way towards him again.

One might say in a discussion: “I found out about my husband’s affair about four months ago. I decided to stay only because of my kids. I am totally committed to my family and I would never have my children grow up in a single parent home. However, I don’t have loving feelings toward my husband anymore. I see him completely differently than I did before. I used to look up to and respect my husband. Now I just see him as a bit of impulsive loser. I always thought he had a high degree of integrity. But now I see he’s just like any normal weak minded man. My friends say that I should give it more time because my husband is a good man. And I admit that he is really trying to make things right. But nothing he does pleases me anymore. I find myself rolling my eyes at the things he does and says. And I nearly recoil if he comes near me or attempts to touch me. This is really worrying me because I feel zero loving feelings toward him and I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life. Is there any hope for us?”

There is always hope. And yes, your feelings for your husband can and do come back, as long as you have healed and as long as you believe that he’s genuinely remorseful and rehabilitated. I will discuss this more below.

Often, The Loving Feelings Leave Because He Hasn’t Been Acting Very Lovable: Often, wives feel very guilty when they no longer feel loving. After all, this is their husband and they have committed to their marriage. So they wonder why the feelings aren’t falling into place. The reason is that you can’t command your emotions. Even if you command your brain to think in a certain way, you can’t control the emotions that follow.

And frankly, you are a bit justified in feeling this way. After all, his actions weren’t the type to inspire your love for him. We feel loving toward people when they are honest, affectionate and kind. Very few of those adjectives are applicable here. So it’s very natural that your feelings for him are going to be in alignment with his actions and behaviors. So, there is no reason for you to feel guilty or to feel as if you are doing something wrong. With that said, it’s common sense that you can’t feel this way forever and expect your marriage to survive or to be pleasurable and fulfilling.  So, you have to be actively trying to heal and to more forward so that the feelings will eventually return or be recovered. I will discuss how to do this below.

If You Don’t Believe That He’s Remorseful Or On His Way To Becoming Fully Rehabilitated, Now Is The Time To Speak Up: I often find that when the anger or the lack of love remains, it’s often because the wife feels as if the husband is still getting away with something. Often, she believes that he hasn’t yet paid the price of his actions or she feels as if he isn’t truly sorry or may cheat again in the future. If anything that you have just read applies to you, then it’s time to be honest about what you need from him.

Because the truth is, until you feel that he is truly sorry and has done the necessary work to ensure he won’t cheat again, you are always going to be suspicious of him. And when you feel this way, you can’t welcome the love back in. So when people tell me that they are still angry, resentful, or don’t feel any of the old love, I always suspect that there are still issues that haven’t been addressed or fully resolved.

Make Sure That Your Anger Isn’t Coming From Other Sources Such As Yourself: Many times, wives will tell me that their husband is theoretically doing everything right. He’s going to counseling. He’s being accountable. And he’s trying to be the right type of husband. And yet the anger is there but the loving feelings aren’t.

If this is the case, try to honestly look at the source of your anger. Because I find that sometimes we as women are a little bit angry at ourselves. We are mad that we let this happen or that we didn’t see it coming. And this type of anger at ourselves can affect our ability to love or to trust. If you have any self-esteem issues that are the result of the affair, you will need to be honest and address those too. Because if you are still harboring self-doubt and self-anger, this may be ensuring that your defensive walls have yet to come down in order to allow you to love again.

In saying this, I don’t mean to imply that any of this is your fault. It most certainly isn’t. But sometimes in order to get what we truly want and deserve out of our marriage, we have to look at any issues we might have with both spouses, including ourselves.

I will admit that part of my recovery from the affair was restoring my self-esteem and learning to not beat myself up.  I love my husband very dearly today but restoring the loving feelings was definitely a gradual process.  Once I believed that he was truly sorry and understood why he cheated enough so that he wouldn’t repeat his behaviors, I began to feel more open to him.  And over time, we began to rebuild what we had. I honestly think that in some ways, our marriage is better than ever.  And we have learned to relate to one another in new ways which have deepened our loving feelings.  If it helps, you can read our story of recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Some wives very much want to manipulate the woman whom their husband has been cheating with.  Usually, their goal is to find some way to get her to leave the relationship.  Very often, the wife has tried almost everything to get the husband to break things off, but, for whatever reason, he has not been able or willing to do that.  So, the wife will turn to the only other person who has the ability to end things – the other woman.

One of these wives could explain: “my husband has been having an affair with a woman at work for seven months.  At first, I thought it was nothing serious, but it has gone on for much longer than I thought.  I have threatened him that he must end it, but he won’t.  No matter what I do or say, I always catch him still being with her.  At this point, it’s clear that there’s nothing I can do to get him to be the one to end things.  So I figure I have to come up with a way to get her to be the one to leave the relationship.  I have thought about bringing my kids to the office so that she will see them and feel guilty enough to end things.  I have thought of threatening her.  I have thought about asking her to lunch and just appealing to her sense of decency and hoping that she’s a compassionate human being.  But I don’t know if any of these things are going to work or are the right thing to do.  How can I make her leave the relationship so that my husband has no choice but to save our marriage?”  I’ll try to address these concerns below.

Making Either Party Do Anything Through Manipulation Can Bring About Insecurity And Doubt:  I think one of the key points here is that the wife wanted to “make” the husband or the mistress end the relationship.  She didn’t really care which one ended the relationship as long as one of them did. The whole idea was that as soon as one of them ended things, the husband would have to come back to the wife because he didn’t have the option of the other woman.  And, of course, this sounded tempting to the wife because she just wanted her family back.  But, what she probably wasn’t counting on was the insecurity that comes with this scenario.

I can not tell you how many wives email me once they’ve finally got their wish and the relationship ends through force.  They often just don’t know what to do once their husband mopes around and isn’t as committed to the marriage as they hoped because he seems to be missing or even pining for the other woman.  Not only is this hard to watch, but it makes the wife wonder if she hasn’t made things worse.  Because now that the other woman is out of the picture, this suddenly seems to make the husband want her that much more.  This is a real risk.

Often, the husband feels resentment.  It often makes him want the other woman that much more. And it makes the wife worry that the only reason that he is with her is that she made it so.  This is no way to save your marriage.  I know that you want the relationship to end.  But you also probably want to save your marriage in a healthy and lasting way.  To that end, you will often need to look at the long-term rather than the short term, which I will discuss right now.

To Give Your Marriage The Best Chance, You’ll Need For Them To Make Their Own Decisions.  But You Can Set It Up So That The Right Decision Is More Likely.  I know that this is hard.  But in order for you to have the confidence that your husband truly wants you and the marriage, it’s best to let him decide to leave the mistress on his own.  If you force his hand or give him ultimatums, he may momentary break things off.  But you will both know that his heart is not really in it and this is going to severely cripple your ability to rebuild a healthy marriage.  But once he makes his own decisions, he will likely be truly committed to seeing it through.  That’s not to say that you can’t nudge him to make the right choice by making it clear that you will not continue to be intimate with him while he’s seeing someone else.  You can make it clear that once the affair is over, you two can attempt to pick up the pieces but until then, you’re going to move forward with your own healing but are holding off on the marriage.

At that point, you need to show him that you are going to live your life.  It’s important that you don’t display weakness by begging him to break it off or by pointing out how much he is hurting you. As appropriate as this might be, it puts you in a position of weakness and it doesn’t give him much incentive to end things.  But if he knows that he must give up his marital or intimate relationship with you while he’s making up his mind, he will have more incentive to come to a rapid decision.

As far as the other woman goes, I believe that you should have as little contact with her as possible.  Believe it or not, knowing that you are dependent upon her decisions will sometimes actually make her happy or give her a sense of power.  You don’t need that in your life.  I firmly believe that the less contact you have with her, the less power you give her over you.  And resorting to threats is something that you will likely later regret because nothing good will typically come out of this.  And you run the real risk of the threats only making things worse.

As hard as it was to let my husband come to his own decisions about our marriage, I knew that if I didn’t, I would always wonder if he truly wanted to be with me.  So I picked myself up and I waited.  And when he chose me, I knew that it was an authentic choice, which made saving our marriage easier. If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives aren’t sure what to do when their husband is dragging his feet or stalling when it comes to ending his affair.  Many of these wives feel that it might be possible to save their marriage if he would just end things once and for all.  But, when he is reluctant to do that, the process can become much more difficult.  One might say: “I read some of my husband’s emails and it became evident that it has been having an affair for the past four months.  I immediately confronted him.  At first, he indicated that he would break things off.  However, a week or so later, I began to see emails going between them again.  I immediately confronted him about this and he admitted that he wasn’t ready to end things with her.  He said that the relationship had become special to him and he felt that he needed to see what might become of it.  He said that it just needed to run its natural course before he could truly let her go and then commit to saving our marriage.  He said that he was very sorry about this but he felt that he needed to be honest with me about it.  Well now I am at a loss about what I should do.  Part of me says that I should give him an ultimatum and tell him that he ends it or I will walk out the door, divorce him, and take all his assets with me.  But another part of me says that if I force him to end it, he will only resent me so that our marriage is virtuously destroyed worse than it already is.  What should I do?”

Although I couldn’t decide the wife’s course of action for her, I could give her some things to consider.  I will share those things with you below.

It’s My Opinion That You Can’t Force Him To End His Affair, But You Can Make It Clear That Until He Does, A Relationship With You Is Off Limits:  I know that you probably wish that you could say some magic words to make him want to end his affair immediately.  But often, when a man is in the middle of an affair, the feelings can be intense and it can feel as if it’s impossible to just abruptly break it off.  And sometimes when people attempt this, it’s quite painful and it just feels odd.  So rather than sticking it out, they will often tell their spouse that they just aren’t ready or capable of ending things.  As frustrating as this can be, it is preferable to them agreeing to end the affair and then continuing it behind your back while lying to you.

It’s often very tempting to tell him that he must end the affair or else you are going to make him regret it.  But while this may give you some temporary relief, it often won’t work in the long term.  He will often resent your ultimatum and because he thinks he never had any closure, he may well long for her more than he would have if he had chosen to end things on his own.  So I believe that the best course of action is to tell him that the choice is his but there are consequences of such a choice.  A suggested script might be something like: “ending the affair has to be your decision.   But until you end things for good, I can’t be in an active relationship with you.  I can’t be intimate with you. And I cannot trust you.  You can let me know when you have come to a decision or when the affair has ended.  But, until then, we can’t move forward in our marriage.  I just want for you to be aware of this.  But the decision is yours.”

Know that this might not get you the immediate results that you want.  It may take him a while until the right choice becomes clear to him.  But at least you will have made yourself clear in the meantime.  I would suggest doing whatever you need to do in order to support yourself and help yourself heal in the meantime.  You do not need to wait for his decision before you start being kind and supportive to yourself.   His choosing to end the affair should be separate from your personal healing.  Yes, you may need to wait in order to work on your marriage. But you do not need to wait even a second before you begin to work on yourself as an individual.

So to address the question posed, it is my opinion that you can’t really force him to end an affair if you want to save your marriage in the right way.  But you can make it clear that he can’t participate in both relationships.  And, if he is even remotely still invested in your marriage, making this clear should help to give him an incentive to make the right decision quickly.

I believe that to the extent that it is possible, you should allow your spouse to make their own decisions.  Because if you do not, then you will always have some insecurity as to whether they are with you willingly or if you had to use excessive force.  As hard as it can be to wait and allow him to decide to end the affair on his own, I feel that this is the best course of action because it lets you know that he chose you on his own.  Because healing from the affair is going to require for you to believe that he truly wants you and the marriage.  Without this, you are always plagued with doubt.  I know this first hand.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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