Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives are trying to process their husband’s odd or silly excuses regarding his cheating or having an affair.  One such excuse is that the other woman meant nothing or was just a diversion or way to pass the time.  A wife might explain: “my husband cheated with a woman who was training him in martial arts.  He told me about the affair and agreed to start going to another studio.  But, even though it has ended, I can’t get it out of my mind and I can not let it go.  Our marriage isn’t the same.  I’ve even considered asking my husband to move out.  When I share this with him, he gets frustrated and borderline angry.  He says that this other woman meant nothing whatsoever to him and was a just a diversion to make him feel better about himself.  He says the whole reason he took up martial arts in the first place was because of aging and low self esteem.  Supposedly, the other woman was meant to address the self esteem issue or at least divert his attention away from it.  I believe he thinks that this claim is going to make me feel better but I’m not sure that it does.  Whether she was a diversion or not, he still cheated on me.  I don’t think there’s any good reason for cheating.  And I’m not even sure what these words of his are supposed to mean to me.  What do these claims even mean?  And how do I respond to them?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

His Claims Of The Other Woman Being A Diversion Are Meant To Reassure You That There Wasn’t An Emotional Connection:  Often, when men insist that the affair meant nothing or that the other woman was just a way to make him feel better, what he’s really trying to say is that he didn’t have an emotional connection to her.  This is meant to reassure you that the relationship is completely over and that he isn’t missing or longing for her.  Whether you buy these claims or not or up to you.  But men often intuitively know that women are particularly troubled by infidelity that has an emotional component.  Many wives will tell you that they would rather their husband have a one night stand than for him to think that he’s found a soul mate in a woman other than his wife. So understand that he is probably trying to reassure you that there wasn’t a lasting emotional connection that you now have to continue to worry about.

Why Her Being A Diversion Doesn’t Mean That There’s No Rehabilitation Needed: I find that sometimes, husbands in this situation will hope that their reassurances are going to be all that you need.  This is pretty naive and short-sighted on their part, but this is often how their thought process works.  They hope that if they can make you believe that if this relationship is over and it never meant anything anyway, then you can just pick up the pieces and move on.  It would be nice if things were this easy, but they are often not.  Even if you believe that he is telling the truth, what happens the next time that he suffers from self-esteem and needs a diversion?  Will he cheat again?  He might if he never learns new ways of dealing with stress or if you don’t put safeguards in place to keep this from happening.

It’s my opinion and experience that you won’t feel secure in your marriage unless you believe that he is rehabilitated.  He may well be telling you the truth when he says that she was only a diversion, but this really isn’t a valid excuse to cheat.  And if your marriage is going to survive or even thrive, you will need to know that any issues he may have are fully addressed so that you don’t have to worry about him cheating again the next time he struggles emotionally or feels stress.

So to answer the questions posed, he may be telling you the truth about her being a diversion, but even if he is, this isn’t a valid excuse.  And even if this is his reality, you will still need to do the work necessary to rehabilitate your marriage if you want the peace of mind of knowing this won’t happen again or if you want to rebuild your marriage and mitigate the damage that has been done.

My husband used the “diversion” excuse in the weeks following my finding out about the affair.  I didn’t see this as valid and made it very clear that he wasn’t going to be able to successfully use this excuse.  His excuses were much less important to me than swift and complete rehabilitation.  Once he realized this, things got better for him and we did eventually save our marriage.  If you like, you’re welcome to read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives are as angry with themselves as they are with their cheating husbands.  Many have taken him back more than once and while they may have good intentions of stopping the cycle or of making demands on him as a condition of being able to come back, many fall just short of this.  And they can begin to hate themselves as a result. One might say: “my husband has cheated on me twice.  The first time, I took him back pretty easily because it was his first indiscretion and he seemed so overwhelmingly sorry.  We had small children at that time and it never ever occurred to me not to take him back or not to try to save my marriage.  Well, fast forward about five years.  He did it again.  This time with a different woman.  And he apologized profusely once again.  But he would never successfully pinpoint or explain what made him keep doing this.  Neither of us understands what is really going on here.  It infuriates me not to have any answers. And then I look at my kids and wonder how I can remove their father from their lives on a full time basis.  So I let him stay.  But I hate myself for doing so.  I feel like I have no backbone or self esteem.  I almost feel as if my husband is having a good laugh behind my back because he knows that I’m never really going to take a stand.  And I just kind of wait for the day that he is going to cheat again.  How can I make this better?  Because I can hardly stand to look in the mirror.”

I really felt for this wife.  She was almost under the impression that she was the one who had done something wrong, which obviously was not the case at all.  Often, you can feel very trapped and panicked in this situation and you can turn this frustration back onto yourself instead of onto your husband where it belongs.  There were some tips that I could offer with this wife, which I will share now.

It’s Not Too Late To Reevaluate:  Many wives feel that once they make a mistake and don’t react in the way that they had wished, it is too late to do anything to change this.  It’s my opinion that you can change your mind or have new needs at any time.  You aren’t stuck with your initial reaction if it no longer works for you.  If this is bothering you so much that you are beginning to hate yourself, then you have every right to reevaluate what you need moving forward.  There is no reason to be stuck or hurt by your past decisions.  You always have the right to change your mind or to move forward in a different way if your current situation is no longer working for you (or has never worked.)

This wife did not want to break up her family.  This is extremely commendable and I completely understand this as I felt the same way.  But nothing says you have to keep your family together at the expense of yourself.  You can certainly keep your family together but at the same time carefully define what you are going to need to be happy and secure.  To be honest, one of the first steps in no longer hating yourself is asserting yourself and to stop putting yourself last.  You might one to say something like: “lately, I’ve been evaluating my life and what I need in order to feel happy and secure.  It’s become obvious to me that we’ve never fully addressed what caused the cheating and what we need to do ensure it doesn’t happen again.  You know that I want to keep our family together but I also want to be happy and secure.  In order for that to happen, we’re going to need to do the work that we should have done in the very beginning.  I can no longer turn a blind eye to this and still respect myself.  I can no longer be the wife and mother I need to be when I know that I put myself last.”

Do Whatever Needs To Be Done To Uncover The Underlying Issues:  The truth is, it’s very hard to feel secure and at ease when you are always worried that your husband is going to cheat again.  You can never really be happy or at peace.  You’re always waiting for the next betrayal.  And this isn’t going to change until you get the help you both need to undercover what might be contributing to the cheating. Once you figure that out, you will need to address and remove any issues.  This isn’t always an easy process but it is completely necessary.  Because once you insist on this, your self esteem will rise because you will know that you put your own needs first for a chance.  And you will be able to begin to look at yourself in the mirror again.  And I know that you may not believe this, often when you stand up for yourself, your husband will respect you more and will actually be less likely to cheat.  Of course, you will need to do additional work to safeguard your relationship, but an important first step is to put yourself first.

You have no reason to hate yourself.  You have done nothing wrong.  Sure, you may have made some decisions that you’d like to take back.  But the good news is that it is your prerogative to reevaluate and to act accordingly.  You aren’t bound to the decisions that you made in the past.  You have the right to build the life and the marriage that you both want and deserve.

When my own husband cheated, I hated myself for even hesitating to kick him out.  But I eventually realized that there was more at stake than my own pride and my own wishes.  However, defining what I wanted and needed and then demanding it of my husband helped to restore some of my self esteem and self worth.  And this actually made quite a difference to me personally.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives want so much to believe that their husband will remain faithful after he has already had one affair.  Many of them are dealing with a husband who is making all sorts of promises to remain faithful and to never even look at another woman again.  Of course, this is what the wife wants to hear and she would love to be able to believe these words.  But often, she understandably has doubts.  After all, his marriage vows didn’t stop him from being unfaithful before, so what is going to be so different this time around?

One of these wives might say: “my husband had a 2-month affair with the woman who managed our apartment complex.  He works from home.  So while I was at work, he had all the time in the world to cheat on me.  I only found out because she left a message on our machine that he meant to delete but didn’t.  As soon as I confronted him, my husband crumbled and said he would immediately break it off and that we could even move if that would make me feel better.  I didn’t want to live in the same building with this woman.  So we did move.  We moved way across town so I don’t have to worry about him seeing her.  My husband seems to be sincere in how remorse and, last night, he sat me down, looked into my eyes and I said ‘I promise you that I will be faithful to you for the rest of my life.  You never have to worry about me cheating on you again.’  I so wanted to hear these words.  And I so want to believe what he is saying.  But somewhere deep inside me, I have doubts.   To be honest, I was blown away by this cheating.  I never suspected he would do something this.  He’s always been a loving and loyal husband.  So I’m afraid that if I believe and trust in him, I would be blindsided again.  What should I do?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Know That You Don’t Have To Blindly Take His Word For Anything:  Many wives feel as though they either have to blindly believe their husband or they have to discount everything that he says very openly.  This just isn’t the case.  You would not be a normal human being if you did not have doubts after you’ve been hurt.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to believe him while watching closely for any signs that he’s giving you a reason not to believe him.  You can be clear about this if it makes you feel better to do so.  You might respond with something like: “I very much want to believe you when you say that you will remain faithful.  But you have to understand that I’m going to have some doubts until enough time has passed where your claims have been nothing but true.   My plan is to proceed along as if I can believe you until you give me a reason not to.  But, know that I’m going to be watching closely, not because I expect you to cheat but because it is just human nature to want to protect yourself from repeated pain.  Know that it’s my intention to give you the benefit of the doubt when I can.  And this process might be easier for me if we could work together to put some safeguards in place so that I will feel more secure and you will feel accountable.”

Putting Safeguards In Place Is An Effective Way To Address Your Doubts:   You have every right to ask your husband to make some concessions right now.  In order to reestablish the trust, you will need to understand why he was unfaithful and then address the things that may have lead to this.  In this situation, the wife worked very long hours  and they rarely checked in with one another during the day.  So one safeguard that might make sense would be for the husband and wife to have lunch together on a daily basis.  The wife could come home for lunch or the husband could travel to her.  But reconnecting like this on a daily basis will go a long way toward making the wife feel more secure.

Many wives want their husband to check in very regularly. They want access to cell phones and emails because this makes them feel better.  I do not see a problem with this, especially at first.  I believe that anything that the husband can do to make the wife feel more secure is absolutely worth it.  Many husbands will resist this because  they’ll tell you that it feels like an invasion of their privacy or it feels as if their wife is more like their mother than their spouse.  I would respond by saying that these safeguards won’t be necessary forever and that it is your own actions that made them necessary.  So, if this is what the wife needs in order to believe he will remain faithful, then the husband should be motivated to cooperate.

I too wanted to believe that my husband would remain faithful after his affair.  But I didn’t want to be naive either.  For a while, I did require accountability and safeguards.  And my husband’s willingness to work with me meant quite a lot to me.  It showed that my comfort was more important to him than his own.  And it was one of the reasons we were able to save our marriage after the affair.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people are furious that their spouse has taken it upon themselves to inform other family members about their affair.  This is bad enough if the family member is a parent or sibling, but it is especially bad if the family member is a child.  Someone might say: ” last year, I made the huge mistake of having an affair.  I told my husband and begged him to forgive me and try to make our marriage work.   At first, he said that he would but over time, he has become more and more angry and frustrated.  In fact, last week he became so frustrated that he left our house for a few days.  He said he would keep up with the counseling and trying to save our marriage but he insisted he needed some time away.  When our children asked him why he was leaving for a few days, he actually told them about my affair.  I am stunned and furious.  This is not my children’s problem or concern.  And now they are angry at me.  So I’m dealing with trying to make things up to my husband and trying to make things up to my kids.  I am struggling with this because I am so angry that I am tempted to just stop with the counseling and let him stay gone.  But I don’t want to do that to my children.  Wasn’t my husband wrong for telling the kids about my affair?”

While It Was Wrong For Your Spouse To Tell Your Kids About The Affair, You Have To Focus On What Happens Now:  I absolutely feel that this wife’s husband was wrong to involve the kids in the affair.   Most therapists will tell parents not to involve their children in their marital difficulties.  And I firmly agree with this. When my own husband had an affair, my children had to have known that we were arguing but we were very careful never to involve them in the specifics.  There was no plus side in their knowing how badly their father had messed up.  And our marriage or his mistakes have nothing whatsoever to do with his love for his children or his ability to parent them.   My husband was and is a good father and I had no desire whatsoever to hurt my children by involving them in issues that were ours alone.

With all of this said, there is no way to turn back time.  The words were already out of the husband’s mouth and there was no way for the children to pretend as if they didn’t hear them.  So the focus needed to shift.  It wasn’t going to help to dwell on the fact that the cat was already out of the bag.  What mattered now was how this was handled.  I’m certainly not an expert on this, but I believe that it would be appropriate for the husband to tell the children that he had made a mistake in involving them in his marital life and asked that the family focus on moving on and healing.  A suggested conversation would be something like: ” I involved you guys in our marriage and that was a mistake.  I want you to know that no matter what happens in our marriage, none of it affects our love for you and the fact that we love being your parents.  Your mom is a wonderful mother to you.  I don’t want what I told you to change your feelings and respect for your mother.  I regret that I said and now I would like for our family to move forward.  Your mom and I are going to get the help we need for our marriage and none of this is going to affect the two of you.  We love you and we would never let issues in our marriage compromise our job as parents.”

After this conversation happens, it’s important to move forward and focus on the positive.  Don’t bring it up in front of the kids again and just focus on family activities together.  Your children should not have to worry about marital infidelity or even how you are progressing.  You being their parents and recovering from the affair should be two very different things.

Place Your Focus On Being The Best Mother And Spouse That You Can Possibly Be:  As I said, you can not change the past.  But you can control your future.  If you place your focus on being the best spouse and mother as is possible, your family will forgive you and they will heal.  No one should be punished forever.  However, you have to show your spouse and your family that you are trustworthy and that you are extremely serious about rehabilitation.  Once this is evident, you can place your focus on strengthening your marriage and your family so that this is no longer a serious issue and you don’t need to spend so much time worrying about it.

Because to be honest, my husband being a wonderful father and a loving husband is the thing that makes the affair a thing of the past.  If he wasn’t either of those things, then healing would not have occurred. But because of his actions, I know that my husband is a quality human being who was worth fighting for.  And if you work hard to show yourself trustworthy and loving, your spouse is likely to feel the same way.

I won’t pretend that healing was always easy because it wasn’t.  But if you show yourself to be extremely motivated to give your spouse what they need to heal and your remorse is obvious, this can greatly help your cause.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many folks aren’t sure how much they need to keep rehashing the affair in order to fully heal from it.  Typically, the faithful spouse feels the need to talk about it quite a bit while the cheating spouse would rather it not be the most common topic of conversation. A wife might explain: “my husband feels like I want to rehash his affair too much.  It’s not as if I bring it up every hour, but I suppose I do have questions about it every day.  It’s just that I have a lot of questions and curiosity and my mind tends to run away with me over it.  I find myself thinking about it all of the time.  And when my mind wanders, then this often gives rise to more questions that I want answered.  My husband says that we will never truly heal if I bring this up every single day.  My husband said that my constant need to talk about the affair is like constantly picking at a scab which hasn’t yet had the chance to heal.  I disagree.  I feel as if we can’t really heal if I’m not allowed to talk about it.  I feel as if I should be allowed to talk about it whenever I want to.  I feel as if I deserve an answer to any question that I might have.  Am I wrong here?  How often are you supposed to talk about the cheating when your real goal is to heal?”  I will try to answer these questions below.

Why I Believe There’s A Fine Line Between Talking Enough And Talking Too Much:  Believe me when I say that I usually take the side of the faithful spouse.  My husband had an affair also, so I am typically much more sympathetic to the spouse who did nothing wrong.  However, with this said, it is my experience that it is possible to dwell on the affair so much that it delays or impedes your healing.  Part of that same healing is rebuilding your marriage and learning to relate to one another in new and positive ways.  This process becomes more difficult when the affair is always the central topic of every conversation.  You do not want for your marriage to be centered on the affair.   Eventually, you want to move past it.  And when you constantly bring it up even when most of your questions have already been answered, you delay that process.

With that said, the faithful spouse needs to feel as if the cheating spouse is more than willing to address their concerns and answer their questions.  If your spouse feels as if you are holding something back, then it’s only natural for them to continue asking the questions until they get the answers that they need.  You can help yourself by being very forthcoming and willing to answer what has been asked of you.  Because if your spouse knows that you aren’t trying to hide anything, then they won’t need to keep asking.

Why I Feel That Scheduling Time To Talk Is The Ideal:  From my own experience, I believe that the best way to handle this is to actually schedule a set time to meet to discuss any issues that might have come up.  This way, both people are free to work on rebuilding their marriage without that shadow always over them.  And because the faithful spouse knows that there will always be time for them to have their say, then they will likely no longer feel the need to always bring it up.  Counseling is a good time to have this set time, but if you aren’t in counseling, you can always schedule just one dinner a week to check in with one another.  If you find yourself with questions before the set time, make a note of them and by all means, bring them up later.

The thing is though, that in order for your marriage to heal and become strong again, you will need to relate to each other in ways that don’t have anything to do with the affair.  You need to learn to interact again, laugh again, and have fun again.  And constantly talking about the affair or bringing it up again just when you’ve started to make progress can halt or delay this process.  I’m a firm believer in open and frequent communication after an affair.  But I also think that sometimes when the affair becomes the sole focus of your marriage, then that is a destructive pattern that you need to stop.  To me, the affair has already hurt your marriage once, so there is no need to allow it to be wounded repeatedly by bringing up things that have already been addressed.  And, a regular time to check in is usually a nice compromise for both sides.

Believe me when I say that there was a time when I wanted to discuss my husband’s affair on an almost constant basis.  But, it soon became evident that this was hurting my marriage rather than helping it.  The once per week schedule worked very well for us because I knew my questions would get answered and my husband knew that I would back off for the rest of the week.  We did eventually save our marriage in part because of this type of compromise.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives (and sometimes husbands too) who feel extremely bad about themselves because of their spouse’s cheating or affair.  Yes, the betrayal hurts horribly.  But often, the hit to your self-esteem and your self-worth can hurt just as bad. A wife could say: “I will admit that since I had my children, I have put on a little weight.  I have meant to get myself back to the gym and focus on my appearance again, but before I could do that, my husband had an affair.  He has broken it off and he wants to save our marriage.  I want that too.  But I am hurting so badly right now.  Every time I look in the mirror, I see a fat, tried woman who wasn’t good enough to keep her husband faithful.  It doesn’t help that my husband doesn’t look at me with lust anymore.  I honestly think that he’s staying with me only because of our kids.  It’s almost as if he pities me or tolerates me rather than desires me.  I hate feeling so horrible about myself. What can I do to start to feel better about myself?”

I have been in this wive’s shoes.  I know how it feels to wonder if your husband was justified in his cheating because of something that you lacked.  But please allow me to offer you a little reassurance.  You don’t lack anything that would justify his cheating or his affair.  Men cheat on beautiful, exciting women every day.  Look at all of the models and actresses who deal with infidelity with women who have nothing on them.  So, it really isn’t accurate to start thinking that the other woman was better than you or that you were not enough.  I can’t tell you how often I hear from women who tell me that the other woman was actually not very attractive, accomplished or charming.  That goes to show you that men are often not being very picky about these women and they often aren’t choosing them based on looks or attributes.  They often are just there at a convenient time and nothing more.

Tips On Restoring Your Self Esteem After Infidelity:  Having said the above, I know that my reassurances aren’t likely to make you forget all of your insecurities.  I know that these things are still likely to weigh on you, which is why it can help to take some action.  The first thing that I would recommend is trying to obtain some perspective.  Think about this.  You are the same person you were on the day before you found out about the affair.  Who you are and what you are worth has not changed.  And why should you change who you already know you are because of someone else’s actions.  It’s important that you understand this when you begin evaluating yourself.

With this said, everyone has things that both of them about themselves.  And I’m talking about things that were present before the affair.  These insecurities can become magnified after infidelity.  And, if they truly bother you, then there is nothing wrong with addressing them.  For example, it always really bothered me that I had put my career on hold because this meant I was completely dependent upon my husband.  So when he had an affair, this fear of mine was greatly magnified.  I started to think that no wonder he cheated with someone from one since I wasn’t intellectually stimulating.  This wasn’t fair to me, of course.  And with the passage of time, I realize how unbalanced my thinking was.  Still, I’m glad that I followed up on this because today I am glad that I have my own career.  It makes me feel better about myself and I believe it makes me more balanced.   Also, getting a makeover and new clothing helped to boost my confidence.  It really helped me when people would compliment my appearance.  It started to give me reassurance that if my husband didn’t find me attractive, well then, plenty of other people did.

I think that the important distinction with this is to make sure that you are acting on the things that bother you – not the things that you imagine bother your husband.  Because if you change for anyone else, then it will not be genuine and it will actually hurt your self-esteem.  But if you change for yourself, then it will be very authentic and this can actually greatly improve your self-esteem.  The final tip that I’d want to give you is to never apologize for making yourself a priority.  Don’t feel guilty for the time you give yourself or for the money you spend on a massage, a makeover, classes, or whatever the case may be.  You deserve your best effort.  And there’s no reason to make any apologies for respecting yourself enough to move forward.  You absolutely matter and you absolutely have a great deal of worth.  But you have to believe this yourself before anyone else will.

As I alluded to before, I underwent a little bit of a transformation after my husband’s affair.  Many of the changes were for the better and they enhanced my life.  But I was very careful to make sure that every change was for me and not for him.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives wonder whether a physical or emotional affair is worse for your marriage and your own well being.  Most see their own situation as the one the worst.  For example, someone might say, “my husband had an emotional affair with his assistant.  I know about this because I have found countless texts and emails between them.  She is married also and has children.  I even read in the emails where they agreed that their relationship could never become physical because of their families.  So I do believe that it never got physical and that it never crossed the line.  However, the emails break my heart.  They are sharing very personal secrets from their childhood, telling one another that they are best friends and soul mates and lamenting the fact that they didn’t meet when they were younger.  It is most definitely an emotional affair.  Even my husband admits that.  He also admits that he loves her but he doesn’t get why I am so upset since it wasn’t a physical.  I believe that an emotional affair is worse and I told my husband the same.  He thinks that I am crazy because he never touched this other woman in a physical way.  Who is right?”

I believe that both spouses are right in their own mind.  I also know that whether infidelity is emotional or physical in nature, it is still a betrayal and it still hurts the innocent party and the marriage.  Recovery and healing are still going to be necessary regardless.   I will discuss this more below.

Emotional Infidelity Feels Like A Betrayal Of The Heart:  Men often do not think of it this way, but women know that the thing that makes the marital relationship different from all others is the emotional connection.  Everyone has been physically attracted to other people before they met their spouse, and yet, they ended up married to their spouse because the emotional connection was stronger than it had been with anyone else.  That is what makes your relationship so special.  That is what makes you soul mates.  You feel as if your spouse understands you better than anyone else and vice verse.

Why your spouse seems to feel this way about someone else, it can be a dagger through your heart.  It can make you feel as if you were wrong about your connection all along.  It can make you wonder if your feelings were just one-sided.   Many wives tell me that they worry that their husband actually wants the other woman more because he has not yet been able to sleep with her.  Since he can’t have her in that way, the wife worries, he wants her that much more.   And this can be a devastating thought.  Anyone who tells you that an emotional affair is in some way less serious than a physical one just does not understand this.

With A Physical Affair, There Are Horrible Mental Images And Self Esteem Issues With Which To Deal:  On the flip side of the coin, a physical affair has its own set of problems.  Even if you believe that the relationship was only based on sex, you still know that there were probably strong physical desires.  And this can give you horrible mental images that you must overcome.  This can affect your self-esteem and your sexual confidence.  It is certainly no walk in the park, even when you compare it with an emotional affair.

The Bottom Line:  To me, the bottom line is this, both types of infidelity are still cheating.  Both types hurt.  Both types cause devastating damage.  Which is worse depends upon who you ask.  Neither is an easy thing.  And personally, I don’t think that one is easier than the other.  I dealt with physical cheating.  And the mental images were so painful.  Never did I say to myself, “well at least there wasn’t an emotional attachment.”   And I hear from plenty of women on my blog who are dealing with emotional cheating.  These women rarely focus on the lack of the physical betrayal.  They are struggling just the same.

So don’t let anyone tell you that you should be having an easier time.  Both are very difficult and require healing and rehabilitation. Both have their own sets of challenges.  But it’s my belief that these things can be overcome with patience and determination.  I got through this and you can too.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives feel pain because their husband still seems to care about the feelings of the other woman with whom he cheated or had an affair. Many are annoyed that he still seems to care about her feelings. And some wives even feel that he is more worried about the other woman’s feelings than those of his own wife.

One of these wives might say: “when we were in counseling the other day, my husband admitted that something was bothering him. So the counselor pressed him to just be honest. Eventually, he admitted that he had a lot of guilt and remorse that he just abruptly broke things off with the other woman once I found out about the affair. He said it seems unfair that she got no real justification or closure. And he knows that it is inappropriate for him to offer that to her now. He says that he feels as if he just wasted her time and caused everyone pain. I don’t know how to respond to this. But I am seriously annoyed that he’s still worried about her. What about my feelings? What about the pain he caused me? Sometimes, I feel as if they deserve each other and that she can have him. Will things get better? Because I am just so angry right now.”

It is my experience that things will get better. And the issue of his concern about the other woman is a common one. There are a couple of different ways that you can look at this, which I’ll discuss below.

Would It Better If He Could Be So Lacking In Emotion That He Could Coldly Walk Away?: I have to admit that I myself have grappled with this question. And my answer depends on the day that you ask me. On the one hand, many wives wouldn’t want to be married to a man who would care so little about another human being with whom he shared at least something that he could just walk away without a second thought.

On the other hand, we wives would like it very much if he could erase any memory or any feeling for her. We wish she would mean nothing to his past, present or future. Some of us would even admit to wishing that he had negative feelings for her rather than guilt feelings toward her. So, I can really see both arguments quite clearly. I think that at the end of the day, when I am calm and not thinking emotionally, I have more respect for a person who is concerned about the feelings and well being of others. However, with that said, I am also very clear on the fact that any residual feelings or concerns are best left unexpressed, which leads me to my next point.

His Concern Should Not Lead Him To Communicate With Her: I think that this is really the most important point with regards to this whole topic. You (and he to a certain extent) cannot control what he is feeling. But he can control what he does in response to these feelings. The counselor and the wife in the above example were both adamant that the husband not act on his guilt or his remorse.

Reaching out to the other woman to apologize wasn’t going to help anyone. It would only cause more confusion and pain. It might give the other woman hope when really, there should not be any. It would only delay the healing. And frankly, although I know without any doubt that any party in this scenario can become hurt, any woman who is cheating with a married man has to know that there are risks. I’m not saying that anyone deserves to be hurt here. But I am saying that the wife (who is the innocent party) is the one who least deserves to be hurt. And she should not have to sit in a counselors office and hear her husband go on about his concern for the other woman, even if this is an admirable human trait otherwise.

What To Take Away From This: To me, the bottom line is this. If you can make it clear to your husband that now is the time to move on and that any contact is inappropriate, in time, his concerns will wane. Typically it takes a good deal of time for the immediacy of the situation to begin to wear off. The feelings tend to lose their intensity the longer that the affair is over. So in time, you will notice him let this go and you will likely stop hearing about this.

As unfortunate as this issue is, it is also very common. And it is just one of those issues that you have to work through by being very clear and honest. The good news is that you can work through this, just as you can work through the other issues that go hand in hand with infidelity.  I know that this is annoying and frustrating, but try to take each day as it comes and strive to make little improvements each day, even if those improvements only relate to yourself.  I know this is difficult, but it does get better.  If it helps, you can read about my experiences with this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many couples have a very hard time putting the affair behind them for good.  Often, the cheating spouse is more than happy to move on while the faithful spouse just can’t seem to leave the past where it belongs.  Someone might say: “a couple of years ago, I made the biggest mistake imaginable.  I cheated on my husband with my boss.  I have taken responsibility and I fully admit that the fault completely lies with me.  We have gone through a lot of counseling and we managed to save our marriage, although that same marriage is far from perfect.  I love my husband.  I want for our marriage to work. I can even accept a little bit of anger and resentment from him because to be honest, I absolutely deserve it.  But, him always throwing the affair up in my face is getting very old.  He takes all of the details that he knows that I’m not proud of and brings them up anytime he gets angry with me.  For example, if there is some tension between us and I try to show my husband affection to make things better, he will rebuff me and bring up the affair.  I could make a comment like ‘there’s no reason for us to argue.  I love you and I’m on your side.’  He will respond with something like ‘well, you weren’t on my side when you were sleeping with your boss in the penthouse of the local hotel.’  There is nothing I can say to respond to this.  I never stopped being on his side but he will never believe that.  But he will never miss the opportunity to remind me that I will always be trying to make this up to him but am unable to.  I love my husband and I want to remain married to him.  But I’m not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life constantly reminded about my shortcomings.  What can I do?”

Believe it or not, I could identify with this wife.  Although I was the faithful spouse, I do remember the beaten look on my husband’s face when I used to throw the affair back up into his face after the event was long over.  And, most of the time, the cheating spouse can understand why this is happening.  After all, infidelity is probably the worst betrayal that many of us can imagine.  In a perfect world, we imagine that our spouse only has desire and affection for us.  And when we have to face that the what we counted on is the not the truth, well that is just a very harsh reality.  And even after we have tried to move forward, sometimes the anger is still there because the pain is still there.  So sometimes, those hurtful little comments aren’t intentional.  They just pop out of our mouths before we can censor them.  Of course, this doesn’t make it right.  And neither one of you should have to continue to relive the affair for years after it’s been over.  So now, I’ll offer some tips on how to handle this.

Bring The Comments To Your Spouse’s Attention:  Often, the cheating spouse gets in the habit of remaining silent because they know that they deserve some of the comments.  So even though what their spouse is saying hurts them very deeply, they will just sort of sigh and take it.  The thing is, your spouse may not be aware of how much this is happening.  That’s why you should bring this to their attention in the most gentle way as is possible.  You don’t want to sound defensive.  You don’t want to make them believe that you felt justified in your cheating.  You just want for them to be aware that they are continuing to lash out. And, if you handle this correctly, you might actually be able to improve your situation.

A suggested script might be something like: “honey, that really hurts me.  I know that in the past, I have deserved that comment.  But, for the last couple of years, I have done everything in my power to make this right.  Our marriage can’t heal for good if we keep on hurting one another over something that is long in the past.  Is there anything that you’re still angry about that I can help you with?  Because I just can’t help but notice that this is happening quite a bit.  Can you share with me if there’s an issue that I haven’t yet addressed? I’ll be glad to offer you any reassurance that you might need, but we can’t keep on like this.  I take full responsibility for my actions, but it hurts both of us and our marriage when the anger just keeps on coming.  What can we do to move past this because it’s very discouraging to me that I’m having to relive something that I really want to leave behind?”

Do you see how you were trying to approach this with a spirit of cooperation and understanding?  The last thing that you want to do is to become angry or hint that you won’t tolerate this.  Because frankly, your spouse is reacting out of insecurity.  If your words make them more insecure, then the problem will become worse instead of better.

As I said, I got into the habit of constantly bringing up the affair but it really did no good and it just prolonged the pain.  I realized that this was an indication that our marriage still had some healing to do, so we were able to turn a negative into a positive.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives feel horrible in several areas of their life and in their marriage after their husband cheats or has an affair.  Often, one of the biggest issues that they face is that they do not feel truly loved.  This can be true even if their husband is repeatedly expressing his love and his remorse.  A wife might say, in part: “my husband had an affair two months ago.  We are trying to heal, but no matter what he says or does, I doubt his love for me.  I don’t really feel loved.  He tells me that he never stopped loving me and he mostly acts sweet and affectionate.  But sometimes, the way he looks at me if filled with pity instead of affection.  Frankly, every time he tells me that he loves me, there is this little voice in the back of my head that is asking if he loves me so much, why would he cheat on me?  I mean, if he was sincere in his love for me, then he wouldn’t need to turn to everyone else.  At the end of the day, I am just not sure if I believe him.  My ears hear what he is saying.  But my heart does not believe it.  What can I do?”

I could certainly feel for this wife.  I don’t think there are many wives who don’t go through this very same thing when dealing with infidelity.  This isn’t an easy process.  But I firmly believe that there are some things that you can do in order to begin to work past it.  I will discuss them below.

Until You See Yourself As Completely Lovable, You Are Likely To Continue To Doubt What He Says: Believe me when I say that I am not trying to put any of the blame onto you.  None of this is in any way your fault.  You are the innocent party here.  But when it comes to feeling loved after infidelity, sometimes you have to do some things to help yourself.  I know first hand that if you do not see yourself as worthy and lovable, then you will tend to continue to have doubts no matter what your husband is saying or doing.   Believe me, I know what a toll infidelity can take on your self-esteem. You begin to wonder if he cheated because you let yourself go.  Or you wonder if the other woman was just so alluring that he will never stop thinking about her.  But, here is something you should know.  You are the exact same special and lovable person that you were before the infidelity.  His mistake does not make you less attractive, less lovable, or less of anything for that matter.

If you have self esteem issues right now (and almost everyone does,) then please help yourself and do whatever is necessary to rebuild your self esteem.  Giving yourself the gift of time and improvement is not selfish.  It is downright necessary.  You don’t deserve to continue to suffer because of this.  But until you believe that you are attractive, you are lovable, and you are enough, then this issue will likely come up over and over again.  And, it can be very hard to save your marriage with these old insecurities hanging around.  I remember very vividly that no matter what my husband said or did, I always doubted his love for me.

But after I spent a lot of time working on myself, I finally realized that I was absolutely lovable and that if he didn’t genuinely love me, then this was him lacking and not me lacking.  And this was a huge turning point for me.

Try To Look At His Actions And His Behaviors As Much As You Listen To His Words:  It’s very easy to get into the habit of doubting anything that he says.  That is why it is important to look at the entire picture.  What are his actions telling you?  Frankly, when it dawned on me that I could begin to believe what my husband was telling me was when I finally thought to myself that if he didn’t love me, why was he still present?  Because I had done everything in my power to push him away and yet he was still hanging in there and still offering reassurance.  One day, I realized that if he didn’t really want to be there, he was an adult man who could walk away.  So if you are having trouble believing his words, then look at his actions (and the fact that he is still around) and see if that doesn’t help.

So, to answer the question posed, you can begin to feel loved again by first loving yourself and then looking at the totality of your husband’s words and behaviors to see if it’s possible for you to give him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to.

As I said, I had a very hard time feeling loved after my husband’s infidelity.  It wasn’t until I boosted my own self esteem and loved myself that this issue vastly improved. Frankly, this is just not an issue that I worry about anymore.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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