Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, people become so angry at themselves for cheating or having an affair, that they have come to hate not only their actions but they also hate themselves. One of them might say: “I cheated on my husband.  It was the worst mistake I have ever made in my entire life and I spend every second of every day regretting it.  My husband says he will try to forgive me and we are working on saving our marriage.  I want that more than anything.  The problem is that I am so angry at myself.  I literally hate myself.  And these feelings are hurting my marriage.  Because I don’t feel like I deserve my husband.  So I am always crying and apologizing and this frustrates my husband.  He says he would prefer it if I would not constantly bring this up so that we can move on with your lives.  I just can’t seem to help it.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I am so disgusted with myself that I have to look away.  What can I do?  Because I am really struggling.”

I can’t say that I knew how this wife felt because I didn’t.  I was the spouse who was cheated on instead of the spouse who cheated.  However, when I hear from spouses who are as sincere as this wife, my heart does go out to them.  And while I couldn’t tell her that she had no reason to be angry at herself (because she did,) I could assure her that her hatred and her anger really had no healthy place in her life.  I will tell you why in the following article.

Hating Yourself Isn’t Helping Your Spouse:  Probably, one of the major reasons that you hate yourself right now is because you feel such sorrow about what this has done to your spouse.  You love your spouse and you feel such regret that your actions have hurt them.  Therefore, you hate yourself because you are the one who set this into motion.  Here is the thing though.  Your anger toward and hatred for yourself isn’t doing anything to help your spouse.  Your hatred isn’t helping your spouse heal and likely doesn’t make them feel any better.  So in that sense, it is a waste.  Nothing positive is coming out of it. And, as a result of it, your marriage isn’t getting better.  In fact, these feelings are doing you no good.  They are hurting you rather than helping you.  So you are better off moving away from them and using your energy for something that is actually helpful.

Moving Toward Something Constructive That Makes A Real Difference:  One way to begin to move away from these destructive feelings is to move toward things that will heal.  So rather than hating yourself, what can you do to help your spouse?  Well, you can become responsible and accountable.  You can become the partner that your spouse needs and wants.  You can work tirelessly to restore the trust.  You can do any number of things to offer your spouse reassurance and affection.  In short, you want to use your energy to heal rather than to use your energy to harm.

The next time you feel your hatred and your anger driving you, redirect it.  Instead of doing something destructive to yourself, do something nice for your spouse.  Instead of wallowing in your thoughts, call your spouse and tell them how much you love them.  When you are filled with self doubt, take inventory and make sure that you are doing everything that you can to remove all doubt of your trustworthiness and your loyalty.  When you are angry at your actions, make sure that you set it up so that your future actions are ones that you can be very proud of.    Because the best way to ensure that your hatred wanes is to meet it head on with love.  And if from today on, you live your life with integrity and truth, then eventually you will know that you do everything that you possibly could to right this wrong.

No, you can not take this back and that can be heartbreaking.  But you do have control over the future.  You can control your future actions and you can do everything in your power to strengthen your marriage and to help your spouse heal. And you can become the kind of spouse who makes your partner very happy.  If you can have the kind of marriage that makes you both fulfilled and you prove yourself rehabilitated and trustworthy, then continuing to hate yourself is just a waste of time and isn’t really founded anyway.

My husband would constantly say that he hated himself after an affair.  But I got no joy out of this.  In fact, it kind of annoyed me because I wanted him to place his focus on my feelings rather than on his own feelings, if that makes any sense.  Once I made him understand this, things improved.  And we were able to not only save but to improve our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives adamant that they want a face to face meeting with the woman who cheated with their husband because she wants a heartfelt apology. They might say: “I actually knew the other woman.  She lives in our neighborhood and she works out at our gym.  It’s not as if we are next door neighbors or best friends or anything like that.  But we are acquaintances.  I was in a car accident and in the hospital when she came over with a covered dish and obviously with something else for my husband and this is how the affair started.  I feel so betrayed and hurt by this.  When I was the most vulnerable, this nasty woman took advantage of this and then started an affair with my husband.  As soon as I found out, my husband said he would immediately end things and even move if I wanted.  Well, I don’t want to move.  This is my home.  If anyone should move, it is her.   What I really want is for her to come into my home or the scene of the crime so to speak, look me in the eye, and give me a heartfelt apology.  Because I really want to ask her how she could come into an injured and hospitalized woman’s home and behave this way.  However, when I shared my thoughts with my husband, he felt that this was a bad idea.  He said why even continue to have any contact at all with her and he said that he feels that she won’t be apologetic anyway.  Is he right? Do I deserve an apology? Should I demand one?”

Although You Deserve An Apology, She May Not Have The Desire To Offer You One: Here is my opinion as someone who has been there.  I absolutely believe that you deserve an apology and I understand why you want one.  You feel as if you need to look her in the eye and make her understand how heinous and deplorable her actions actually were.  You want to see at least some form of remorse or acknowledgement in her eyes.  Unfortunately, though, it’s my observation that you are rarely going to get what you need from her, especially in this case.  Think about it.  We are talking about a woman who is so calculating and ruthless that she was preying on a husband with a wife in the hospital.  (I’m not saying that the husband is not partly to blame but clearly, he did not initiate the contact.)

Another consideration is that very often, she will be defensive.  Often, she will set it up so that the wife is in some way to blame.  You often hear women who are fond of cheating with married men say things like: “well if she would have taken care of her husband, she wouldn’t have had to worry about me.”  Or “well if she had kept her man happy, then no other woman could have turned his head.”  I am not saying that these phrases or accurate and not downright nasty, but this is what you will often hear.

By Asking For An Apology, You’re Letting Her Into Your Life.  And You Might Not Get The Closure That You’re Hoping For When You’re Dealing With Someone Like This: Frankly, initiating contact with her is, at least in my opinion, continuing to allow her into your life.  I know that you hope that you might gain some ground or reclaim your self-esteem if you look at her eye to eye.  But if I am being honest with you, I have to tell you that these meetings often do not go well and they do not provide the closure that the wife usually hopes for.  Sometimes, the other woman will be downright nasty and will actually try to say the most hurtful things imaginable.  Other times, she will try to make it sound like your husband was the aggressor.  She might even insinuate that the affair is still going on.  Sometimes, she whips out photos and texts.  It is not unusual for these meetings to turn into a physical altercation.  Who needs that?

My Opinion: It’s my opinion that you deserve an apology from two people but you should only seek it from one – your husband.  Because moving forward, he is the only one who you should be in continuous contact with.  Ideally, you want to move on with your life and stop all contact with this woman.  But, whether you save your marriage or not, it’s a safe bet that, especially if you have children, you will still be in contact with your husband.  It is the relationship with him that matters because with a little work, she should only be a tiny blip in your life.  Don’t give her any more time than she has already taken.  Don’t allow her to continue to impede into your life and into your mind.  Leave her behind and realize that women like this often do not see where they are wrong anyway. And that means that they are not likely to give you the apology that you want.

I fixated on the other woman for a long time.  But one day, I realized that I spent more time thinking about her than I was spending on my healing.  And I realized how backward that was. So, I vowed to leave her behind and to focus on me.  And that was the best decision I ever made.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, people consider forcing their spouse to end his or her affair.  They often feel as if they don’t have any real choice about this but they are wondering what the consequences might be the result of forcing their spouse’s hand.  Someone might explain: “my husband has been having an affair for eight weeks. He works with this woman.  When I found out and confronted him, he said he wasn’t sure if he was ready to break it off.  I told him that there was no room for negotiation.  I told him if he had anything more to do with her than I would leave him and I would take our children with me.  He said he needed some time to think this over.  We haven’t really discussed it since then, but I am getting ready to bring it up once and for all.  I am going to give him an ultimatum and a deadline.  When I was discussing this with one of my friends, she said that forcing him to end the affair is probably going to have very negative consequences.  Is she right?  Is forcing his hand going to be the wrong call?”

It’s impossible for me to answer this question for this wife.  I don’t know the husband or the dynamics of their marriage.  But I can tell you that there can be some consequences when you force your spouse to end the affair.  I will discuss some of them below.

He May Resent It:  I find this to be grossly unfair but it is often reality.  Even when your spouse understands why you need to give the ultimatum, he will often resent you for it because you didn’t give him any choice in the matter.  They may also feel the loss of the other person and, whether rightly or not, blame you for it.

He May Long For The Other Person Since He Didn’t Have Closure:  This is another common consequence.  Since he didn’t see the relationship through, he might always think that she was the one who got away.  He might obsess over what might have been or what she is doing now.

He May Still See Her Behind Your Back:  Because of the things that I mentioned above, some spouses feel as if they can’t possibly let the other person go.  However, they often still want to hold on to their family.  So in their own mind, one way to make everyone happy while they figure all of this out is to continue to see her behind your back.  Now, sometimes they aren’t having physical contact or sex at this point, but they are keeping in touch because they just can’t bear to completely let go.

He May See You As The Person Standing In The Way Of His Happiness:  There are times when the cheating spouse projects his frustrations onto the faithful spouse.  This isn’t fair or accurate but sometimes, he has to put his anger somewhere and he isn’t always going to blame the other woman or himself.   He may portray you as the person who doesn’t understand him or who is trying to keep him from true happiness.

You May Also Wonder If He Would Have Ended The Affair On His Own.  Insecurity May Be The Result:  If you know that the only reason that he is no longer with this other woman because you forced it to be so, then you may always wonder if he actually wants to be with you or if he is only with you by force.  This can lead to all types of doubt and insecurity that ensures that the pain continues on.

The Positive Things That Can Come Out Of Forcing The Affair To End:  So far, I have only mentioned the negative things that can occur when you make your spouse end the affair.  Now, I’ll admit that sometimes, there is some good that comes out of this.  Sometimes, he listens to your demands and he breaks it off.  So at least at that point, the affair is over and they are no longer seeing one another.  And in some cases, in time, the husband realizes that ending the affair was the right thing to do.  There have been couples who have saved their marriage and have healed in this situation.  However, there are also couples who crumbled under the weight of the consequences.

What I Believe Is The Better Option:  As you probably can tell, I believe that there is often too much risk with this strategy.  Of course, I can’t and won’t tell anyone what they should do with their own marriage.  But I believe that it is more effective to state the consequences of him not making the right choice and then allowing him to choose on his own.  The script might be something like: “this has to be your choice, but I can tell you for a fact that I can not participate in a marriage where someone else is involved.  In order for our relationship to continue and to resolve itself, I need to know that she is completely out of the picture and that you are completely sincere about saving our marriage.  Until you can truthfully tell me this, then I can’t participate in our marriage.  So you let me know when you have come to a decision.”

You haven’t given him any ultimatums per se, but you have let him know that he will not enjoy the advantages of being married to you while he is carrying on with someone else.  So it is now up to him to decide which life he wants more than the other.  And as painful as it may be waiting for him to make this decision, at least you will know that it is a genuine decision. So that if he does end the affair and come back to your marriage, you will know that it is because he genuinely wanted to.

I didn’t have to give my husband an ultimatum after his affair.  And I am not sure which way I would have played it.  But at the end of the day, healing is the same no matter the circumstances after an affair.  It can be difficult and painful, but if you put in the time and effort, it can be worth it.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people are so frustrated that their spouse will not accept their apology for cheating or having an affair.  It seems that no matter what they do or say, their spouse is determined to hang on to their anger and resentment.

Someone might say: “last year, I made the worst mistake of my life.  I had a fling at a class reunion that my husband could not attend.  And then after the fling, I kept in contact with the guy and had a couple of more encounters with him.  I honestly don’t know why I did this. I think that self-esteem was at a low point and this guy made me feel good about myself.  But once I realized how much harm I was doing, I broke it off and I told my husband the truth.  I practically fell to his feet and begged for his forgiveness.  I have offered to go to counseling or to do anything else that he might require.  But he continuously says that not only does he not forgive me, but he has no plans whatsoever to forgive me in the future.  I am so upset about this.  We have two little girls who are going to miss their daddy.  Why won’t he just accept my apology so that we can move on?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

Understand Why He May Hesitate To Forgive:  I do understand why you feel that you want, need, and even deserve forgiveness.  But, as a wife who has been cheated on, I can tell you that there are many reasons that one would hesitate to offer forgiveness.

The first is that they just may not be ready.  I can tell you from experience that before you are ready to forgive, you need to see a whole lot of remorse and a whole lot of rehabilitation.  Sometimes this takes counseling and other times, it doesn’t.  But it certainly doesn’t always happen quickly.  And when you push for forgiveness before they feel that you have earned it, this can create resentment that makes them even more reluctant to forgive.

Also they may feel that forgiving you is a form of condoning the affair or of letting you get off very easy or virtually scot-free.  Of course, it’s your job to show them over time that you are sincere enough that their doubts are unfounded.  But understand that there is bound to be some reluctance. You have to understand how badly you have hurt them.  You have to understand that they do have a right to their anger and to their reluctance.  But, you may have more control than you think.  Below, I’ll go over some things that spouses often look for before they will offer forgiveness.

Things You Will Want To Show Your Spouse Before They Feel Safe And Justified In Forgiveness:  Understand that your spouse is probably watching everything that you do extremely closely.  They want to believe that you are so sorry for your actions.  They want to know that you fully understand why you have cheated and have fixed whatever problem existed so that there is assurance that you will not cheat again.  They want to see that you have actively done everything in your power to become trustworthy.  Nothing out of your mouth should be untrue.  Even little white lies meant to spare pain are absolutely unacceptable.  Also, they are looking to see if the relationship is repairable.  They want to be assured that you still love and are attracted to them.

In short, they need to know that you aren’t just seeking forgiveness for your own gain without any concern about what they need from you.  You must make it extremely obvious that your first concern is them, their healing, and their recovery. You don’t want to ask anything of them before you give everything you have of yourself.  In other words, you must earn that forgiveness and I have to tell you that sometimes, this is no easy task.  But if you are patient, are concerned mostly with your spouse rather than yourself, and set it up that you deserve forgiveness, then stay the course.

So to answer the question posed, there are various reasons that your spouse isn’t ready to offer forgiveness.  They may not be ready yet.  They may still not find your excuses or your reasoning as valid.  They might not have seen enough remorse or sorrow.  Or, they may believe that you are more concerned about alleviating your own guilt rather than helping them heal.  But to overcome these things, you can learn to be extremely trustworthy and accountable.  And you can place your focus on providing what your spouse needs in order to heal.  Because to be very honest I can tell you from experience that once you begin to heal and feel some relief from the shock and the sadness, then it is much easier to forgive.

I did eventually forgive my husband after his affair, but he eventually gave me everything that I needed to feel safe in order to heal.  We are still married today and I feel that our marriage is quite strong.  I don’t worry about him cheating again.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many faithful wives are left wondering what will become of the other woman with whom their husband cheated or had an affair. Often, they can’t help but admit that they wish her ill will. Because it seems as if she has been able to ruin a lot of lives and get off completely scot-free. They often wonder if she ever gets what she deserves.

I heard from a wife who said: “I feel like the other woman doesn’t have any price to pay. This woman at my husband’s office pursued him relentlessly until they began having an affair. When I found out about the affair, my husband agreed to break it off. However, people in his office found out about the affair and things became very uncomfortable for him at work. His supervisor strongly suggested that he transfer to another position in a different town. He pretty much didn’t give my husband any real choice. But guess what? The transfer doesn’t pay as much as his old job. And the new town means that we will have to move and that my children will have to go to a new school. My family is just devastated by this. I may have to work rather than stay home with my children just so that we can make ends meet. And guess who was my husband’s replacement at his old job? This other woman. So now her life has actually improved while ours has deteriorated horribly. I wonder how this is fair? And I want to know if she is ever going to get what she deserves?” I’ll try my best to answer this in the following article.

I do understand how you feel. I was in the same situation and the other woman basically got to skip out of our lives with all of her destruction behind her. But I have to say that I now have a little different perspective. I do sometimes hear from “the other woman” and I have to tell you that some of them are quite hurt and devastated by the turn of events.

Why It’s Probably Not Accurate To Make Assumptions About The Other Woman: Many people assume that the other woman just seamlessly picks up the pieces of her life while the husband’s family is shattered and struggling. I can tell you from the emails that I get that this just isn’t the case. Sometimes, the other woman feels as if she had no closure whatsoever. She will tell you that one day the husband was completely invested in their relationship and loving but then, once his wife found out, he completely changed and then all of a sudden, there was no further contact allowed. It’s as if one second he’s there and an active part of her life and then the next second, he’s gone. And sometimes when all she wants is an explanation, it’s clear that she’s not going to get that either. He won’t take her calls or see her. So she just has to accept that everything he told her was a lie and that her relationship was a joke. And this process can hurt her.

I am certainly not defending her actions.  But, do you see how, even if her day to day life doesn’t appear to be impacted, her emotions and her ability to cope certainly are? The truth is, even if you wanted to ask her about what she might have suffered, you probably wouldn’t get a straight answer anyway. So you can’t possibly know what she is going through. Therefore, it’s probably not always accurate to assume that she got off scot-free, although I’m sure that this is true of some women.

Why I Believe That Worrying About Yourself And Allowing The Universe To Handle The Rest Is The Best Way To Proceed: Even if the other woman was living a carefree life, it’s likely that you have enough to worry about in your own life. You deserve to be happy once again and you probably can’t do this if you are placing all of your focus on her and how she fared.  Believe me when I say that I’m not defending her. Infidelity causes so much pain to so many people but the truly innocent party in this scenario is the faithful spouse and the children. So, I tend to have a lot less sympathy for the cheating spouses.

However, with that said, I also know that the family can’t begin to heal until the faithful spouse places her focus on exactly that – her healing. And dwelling or wondering about the other woman can delay this process because it keeps the focus on her. I firmly believe that the universe has a way of handing out fairness. Sure, things may not seem all that fair right now. But you have no way of knowing what the future holds. Hopefully, you won’t know what her future holds because you will no longer be thinking about her because you will be going on with your own life. And because hopefully, you will have healed, you will begin to pick up the pieces of your life and be happy again.

Quite frankly, I so rarely think about the other woman today. And I’m not sure that I even wish her ill. It’s not that I hope she’s on top of the world (or hurting someone else’s family,) but I guess I don’t have the right to wish anyone ill since I have so many blessings in my own life.

As I said, I believe that a huge weight will be lifted off of your shoulders if you commit to your own healing and vow to let the universe handle the rest.  Once I made this declaration, things began to change for me and my healing began.  Although I would never have believed it in the beginning, my husband and I did recover and we are still married today.  It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Most of the time, the people who ask me for advice are the spouses who were cheated on. Occasionally though, I hear from well-intentioned cheating spouses who are looking for help in saving their marriages or in helping their faithful spouse to heal. Sometimes though, the process is much harder than they ever would have imagined because of their spouse’s troubling reactions or behavior.

A husband might say: “I admit that I had an affair and cheated on my wife. In that aspect, I am the bad guy of the story. I would be willing to do almost anything to make this up to my wife and save my marriage. But, as patient as I try to be, my wife has become almost impossible to live with. She is filled with bitterness and she is so sarcastic and nasty that even our kids know that something is drastically wrong with her. She’s lashing out at anyone and anything in her path. And the second I walk in the door, she will ask who I cheated with today or what I’ve done to destroy her within the last 48 hours. I’m left not knowing how to respond to these things. When I answer with reassurances that I love her and that I am not trying to destroy her life, she will say things like ‘well that wasn’t the case when you will with that tramp in a hotel.’ She says these things in front of our kids and she slams doors and marches around our house. Once, she threw a plate at me when I asked her what was for dinner. The other night after one of her tirades, I told her that she was acting a bit erratic and crazy. Her response to me was ‘well I have a right to be crazy. You cheated on me. You betrayed me. It is my right to be crazy. And if you don’t like crazy, then feel free to leave.’ Is she right? Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? What about my kids? Will she always be like this?”

I really felt for this husband, but it was very interesting for me to see this from another point of view. Because frankly, I am sure that my husband thought that I was crazy in the weeks after I found out about his affair. And I’ve broken a dish or two myself. At the time, I felt perfectly justified in doing so. However, I haven’t broken a dish or said anything particularly nasty to my husband in years. Because I have healed and because, when I needed it, I got help.

Why Faithful Spouses Feel They Have A Right To Act Erratic Or Crazy: Did I feel I had the right to my out of control behavior after my husband’s affair? You bet I did. I had every right to be as furious as I was. Yes, some of the ways that I expressed my anger were unfortunate and they are a little embarrassing to me now. I never did act out in front of my children though. That was one line I would not cross. I am sure that I gave my husband evil looks and frosty cold shoulders, but my kids never heard me utter one negative word, although I’m sure they knew that the vibe in our home had most definitely changed. In fact, their father was away from the home for a while, but they thought he was on business, which wasn’t particularly unusual.

The point is, finding out that your spouse and the parent of your children has betrayed you in this way is just about the worst news imaginable. Of course, you react. Of course, you grieve. Of course, you might utter some insults. But typically, it doesn’t go on forever. Typically, the behavior wanes as the shock wanes, which leads me to my next point.

When It Crosses The Line: So while I agree that it’s natural for a person to act in atypical ways when they find out about the infidelity, this shouldn’t go on indefinitely. Of course, you should allow them to have their say. And you should accept that you are going to be on the receiving end of their wrath for a while, but if things escalate to the point of physical abuse or behavior that is negatively affecting your children, then it is probably time to suggest some counseling to help you to navigate this. Because truthfully, once the faithful spouse feels heard and they are able to release their feelings, their behavior should improve and wane over time. And the more you help them to heal, the quicker this process will be.

So to answer the question posed, yes, I feel that it is the faithful spouse’s right to act in a way that isn’t typical of them because you have dealt them a huge blow. Understand that they are struggling, which is why you are seeing behavior that just isn’t like them.  But, they definitely didn’t ask for this. And your actions have caused them grave pain. However, the troubling behavior shouldn’t go on indefinitely. And if it does, it tells you that they haven’t yet begun to heal. And that they may need your help in doing so.

As I’ve said, I did have reactions that were very atypical of me after my husband’s affair but I was angrier and more hurt than I had ever been in my entire life.  I did draw the line at showing any of this behavior to my children, but I am sure my husband was counting the days until I calmed down and was more myself.  These days did come, but not until I’d begun to heal.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives dealing with infidelity feel as if they have been betrayed more than once because of their husband’s affair.  It is bad enough when you know that the person you love more than anyone betrayed you.  But, it can be multiplied if you know that other people (especially friends) also knew about the cheating and didn’t tell or warn you.  And this whole process can make you feel very isolated and quite lonely.

A wife might explain: “I found out five weeks ago today that my husband had an affair with a woman at work.  I am very close to many of his coworkers because we work in the same industry.  In fact, I would consider many of those women my very close friends.  We have lunch together at least a couple of times per month.  The other day, my husband and I were once again arguing about his affair.  And I asked him who knew about his affair.  Turns out, numerous people knew, including my friends from his office.  I felt as if someone punched me in the stomach.  I valued the friendship of these women and yet they never even tipped me off or gave me any warning.  In fact, at a recent lunch we were talking about our marriages and I told them my husband had been distant.  I was actually hoping that one of them might pipe up and tell me about a problem that he was having at work or something similar.  Well, his problems were related to work all right because of the affair, but no one said anything.  All of these women remained silent and ensured that he continued to cheat.  Now that the affair is out in the open, a couple of these women have called me and left messages of apology.  I don’t even pick up.  I don’t want to talk to them.  And yet I feel so alone.  What do I do?”

This is a tough situation that many women go through. After all, many affairs happen in the workplace.  So it’s rare that no one but the two people involved is aware of the affair.  So many women deal with the fact that their mutual friends knew about the cheating and said nothing.  The wife often wonders if all of these people were looking at her with pity and of course, this hurts her even more.  I believe that it’s very important to put this into the proper perspective so that you are not continuously hurt.

Understand Why People May Remain Silent:  I truly am not trying to excuse this behavior.  I’ve had to deal with this myself and I know that it hurts.  But if you were to talk to coworkers who are caught in the middle of an affair, they will often tell you that they hesitated to get involved for multiple reasons.  The most common reason is that they don’t want to hurt you.  They will also say that they hesitated to insert themselves into the business of someone else’s marriage.  And, many worry about how this might affect their jobs.  So, understand that there are valid reasons that people will want to stay out of someone else’s marriage.

Understand That You Get To Decide How You Want To Address Each Person:  I want for you to understand that you get to make the decisions as to how you want to live your life.  It is your right to evaluate the betrayal by each person and to respond accordingly.  After some time has passed, you may well decide that you can have a relationship with some of them but not with others.  You might decide that it is more healthy for you to just cut your ties with everyone.  And, if you have a support system outside of this, then that can certainly be an option.  But, my concern is that many wives completely isolate themselves because they feel as they have no one with whom they can confide.  They can almost feel as if the other people were almost condoning the affair by not talking about it.

Although I can understand why she might feel this way, I don’t agree that people who didn’t speak up were condoning the affair.  They were often caught in a difficult situation where they weren’t sure what was going to spare you pain.  It is your right to ask them why they may have done this or to tell them how you feel if this will make you feel better, but I would suggest that you don’t cut people out of your life who might otherwise support you or offer you comfort or strength.  Dealing with the aftermath of an affair is painful and lonely.  You need friends right now.  And sometimes, it is difficult to confide in others because you aren’t sure what is going to happen with your marriage. These women already knew about the affair so that the dilemma was over.  They know exactly what you are going through.

As I said, it truly is your right to be the one to decide what will come of these relationships.  You might decide that it is more healthy for you to leave them behind. Or, you might decide that it’s not in your best interest to isolate yourself and to ditch people who have been friends.  Both decisions are valid.  It truly does depend upon what you feel will be healthier for you.  But I would suggest that if you are going to distance yourself with these friends, make sure you have someone else to offer you some support.  The worst thing that you can do is to completely isolate yourself.

I had a couple of people who I confided in after my husband’s affair.  But I made a deliberate decision not to tell everyone because I had no idea if my marriage would survive.  And I didn’t want to constantly have to talk about it later.  This turned out to be the right call since I firmly believed that my marriage was no one else’s business.  Today we are very much together and happy and I’m glad that I don’t have to keep reliving it with friendly conversations.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Understandably, many people have their doubts as to whether it’s possible to stay together (or get back together if they have broken up) after one of them cheats or is unfaithful.  I often hear from people who don’t seem to think that it’s very likely.  I suppose they have never had any close friends or family members who were able to stick it out.

A wife in this situation might say: “my husband cheated on me with one of his old girlfriends who he saw when he went home for his father’s funeral. He immediately told me about it and was remorseful, but I am crushed.  I didn’t attend the funeral with him because my son is young and we jointly decided that it would be easier not to travel with an infant. So, while I am home caring for our son and worried about the mental health of my husband who just lost his father, that same husband is out getting drunk and sleeping with an old girlfriend.  I told him that I don’t think we will ever get through this and he says that plenty of people stay together or even get back together even after infidelity.  Is this true? Is it rare for couples to make it after one of them cheats?”

Actually, it is not that rare at all.  Although the statistics that you read about vary, some show us that over 75 percent of couples stay together after infidelity.  Granted, these statistics cover married couples who have much more to lose when they break up.  I find that people are often quite surprised by this number.  And I suppose if you have not gone through this, it might be easier to speculate that infidelity would be a deal breaker for your relationship.  But I can tell you first hand that when you do go through this and your family is at risk, sometimes you are more open to the idea that you might want to work it out rather than to give up the most important relationship in your life.

Why People Will Try To Stay Together (Or Get Back Together) When One Of Them Cheats:  Simply put, you sometimes feel that you have too much to lose by just giving up.  After all, this is your spouse or the person that you love.  That’s not to say that you aren’t devastated by their choice and by their mistake. In fact, sometimes you are so devastated that you consider ending the relationship or you end it temporarily.  But sometimes, when you spend some time alone or you have some time to reflect, you entertain the idea that perhaps it would be worth it to explore whether the relationship can be saved.

Also, there are many more resources available today to help people transition and recover from the damage that the cheating has caused.  There was a time when people never discussed cheating or they suffered alone. That is no longer the case.  There are counselors today that specialize in helping marriages recover.  It’s no longer so taboo or frowned upon to stand up for your marriage. And couples who do recover no longer feel so alone because, frankly, they are in the majority.

And, people are starting to realize that their marriage or their romantic relationships are no one’s business but their own.  No one has the right to judge you for standing up for your marriage or trying to work it out.  It is really your decision and no one else’s.  Of course, you want to make standing up for your marriage worth it.  For me, it would not have been worth it to remain married but to be unhappy. And no one knows how content these 75 percent of couples who remain married after infidelity are. Frankly, I believe that the happiness level after infidelity is directly in proportion to how hard you work and how much useful help you obtain.

But to answer the question that this wife asked me, many couples do find a way to remain together eventually after infidelity, myself included. In fact, statistics show us that more people stay together than break up, although staying together is not always an easy process.  Healing and rebuilding that must happen.  But I can tell you that some marriages not only survive, they thrive or they even improve.  I know from experience that this wife understandably had her doubts.  I understand this also.  Nothing said she had to make a rash decision right now. She could take her time to reflect, to observe and to seek out support so that she could revisit this later.  But it might reassure her to know that infidelity does not have to mean the end of your relationship. It can certainly be a challenge that your relationship must overcome, but it doesn’t mean the end for many couples.   And her husband having one indiscretion at a time when he was obviously grieving does not mean that he will be a serial cheater.  Many men are rehabilitated and do not cheat again.

Although I wasn’t always sure it was the right call at the time, I’m glad my husband and I stayed together after his infidelity.  Our marriage not only survived but thrived.  It wasn’t always easy but it was definitely worth the effort.  If it helps, you read the whole story of our recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who are dealing with infidelity are very conflicted.   On the one hand, they are furious that their husbands have admitted to cheating and having an affair.   But on the other hand, they feel that his cheating was motivated by his present struggles.  And this can bring out protective feelings or an urge to want to help him, which many people admittedly find a bit odd.

There might be this type of situation: “I know that this is crazy, but I actually want to help my husband right now because I know that he is absolutely lost.   For the last couple of years, he has watched his mother waste away from cancer.  He has watched his father grieve.   And a couple of months ago, he had his own health scare and faced a very serious diagnosis himself.  I have felt for him and I have tried to help him but he was very distant.  Last week, he came home, collapsed and started sobbing and telling me that he had cheated on me with a coworker.  He said the relationship lasted for three weeks.  This seems like an affair to me, but he denies it.  He tells me about twenty times per day how sorry he is and asks if I can ever forgive him. He says he’s just not himself and just not functioning correctly with all that he has been going through.  I want to help him.  My heart goes out to him. Don’t get me wrong, I am so angry with him, but I also know that he needs me now more than ever and I’m not ready to turn my back on him.  Am I crazy?  Because my friends all say that I am.”

My heart really went out to this couple and I have a definite opinion on this, which I will now discuss.

Why I Don’t Think It’s Crazy To Acknowledge That Your Husband Needs You After His Struggles Lead To Cheating:  I am pretty open about the fact that I believe that cheating and affairs often come when men are struggling in some way.  Often, they are trying to push down these struggles and the affair is their ill-advised way of dealing with them.  I often get criticized for that because people think that I am making excuses for the cheating. I’m not.  I’m not saying that a man’s struggles make it OK for him to cheat.  They don’t. But I do believe that it is notable that these struggles are often a major part of their life at that time.  And I know that this knowledge can often help to answer the faithful’s spouse’s need to know why this happened.

Some wives will reject their husband during the struggles that lead to an affair.  Others will not.  I think that both responses are perfectly valid.  And I don’t think it’s at all crazy to realize that he needs you when he is struggling, even if those struggles lead to something regrettable.  But here’s a distinction that I believe is important.  Just because he needs you (and you want to support him,) this doesn’t mean that you won’t need to deal with the aftermath of the cheating. And it doesn’t mean that he is not responsible for his actions.

You Can Support Him And Still Need To Address The Cheating:  I believe that supporting him when he is struggling doesn’t mean that he should get a free pass for his cheating.  Yes, he is going through a rough time that would tax even the most well-adjusted person.  It is understandable that you would want to help and support him.  However, if you use his struggles as an excuse for his cheating and you forgive him without any making rehabilitation mandatory, you might be sending a message that you might later regret.  It’s important to understand that infidelity hurts a marriage even if you understand the reasoning behind it.  So no matter how much you might sympathize with him and support him, both of you will need to understand that you may have some work to do on your marriage and on restoring the trust.  Because you don’t want for him to act out or cheat every time he goes through rough times.

The husband could likely use some help learning to cope while you could use some reassurance that he will not cheat again.  So while I absolutely understand (and even commend) this wife wanting to be there for her husband during this very difficult time, I also felt that it was vital that they also place their focus on healing and rehabilitation.  The cheating is a reality that you cannot ignore, but it is also sometimes a cry for help.

I do not say this to make an excuse for him, but my husband was under a lot of stress when he cheated.  And, we needed to address these issues in our healing.  But, this did not excuse his cheating and we still had to effectively deal with it in order to save our marriage.   However, the work we did helped us both as individuals and as a couple.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives are absolutely baffled that their husband is justifying his lying about his infidelity by saying that he was trying to save the marriage.  Needless to say, not many wives buy this.  But that doesn’t keep the husbands from continuing to use this excuse.

One might say: “about eight months ago, I noticed that my husband was very cold and distant.  Our marriage deteriorated to the point where he was almost never home and it was obvious that our marriage was not his priority.  Things got so bad that I told him that if he wouldn’t go to counseling, I was going to leave and take our children.  This seemed to get his attention.  He agreed to go to counseling.  While in counseling I made it clear that I was very aware that there was something going on with my husband.  Obviously, something serious had been going on with him that was causing him to distance himself from our family.  At that point, I even confronted him about cheating or there being someone else.  And he denied it.  He finally said that things weren’t going well at his business and that he was under a lot of stress.  He started participating in counseling more and things got a little better.  Well, a couple of days ago, I got an email from a woman who said that she has been cheating with my husband.  Needless to say, I went ballistic and demanded to know why my husband would lie to me, the counselor, and to himself.  He said he lied to save our marriage.  He said he knew that the cheating was going to hurt me, and since it’s over, he knew that keeping quiet gave us a chance to save our marriage.  But he said that he also knew that if he told the truth, it would ruin our marriage.  I don’t know what to make of this.  Of course, I want to save our marriage.  But his excuse just doesn’t ring true with me and it makes me furious.”

I completely understand where this wife was coming from. Recovering from infidelity is very difficult.  And one of the main issues is restoring the trust.  However, restoring the trust is going to be very difficult when a husband continues to lie or lied about the cheating when he had every opportunity to tell the truth.  With all of this said, the wife wanted to know if the husband’s excuse (that he lied to save the marriage) was a valid one.  I have a definite opinion which I’ll discuss below.

Why I Don’t Think His Excuse Is Valid, But Why He Might:  Admittedly, I’m not very objective about this.  As a wife who has been cheated on, I don’t think that there are many (if any) valid excuses for cheating on your wife.  And continuing to lie about it is also inexcusable to me.  But with this said, I dialog with so many men in this situation that I believe I understand what they are thinking.  And their thought process goes something like this:  they are thinking that your marriage is already so damaged that you are in counseling to save it.  They understand that your marriage is extremely fragile right now and what you need is something that is going to help it rather than to hurt it.  So, their thought process can tell them that it would be pretty stupid to disclose the cheating when you are already almost ready to walk out the door with your children in tow.

And they will often tell themselves that they will give counseling their all and improve the marriage so that this sort of makes up for the cheating.  After all, they think, isn’t it better to give you a happy and strong marriage rather than to give you the harsh reality that you are now dealing with cheating?  Much of the time, they are sure that once you know about the cheating, the marriage will be over.  I am not saying that their thought process is correct.  But I am sharing it with you because I believe these insights may help you to understand what you are dealing with.

How To Proceed When He’s Giving You This Excuse:  It’s my opinion that although you can’t turn back the clock and make him tell you the truth, you can very directly address this topic right now so that it does not continue.  A suggested script might be something like: “I hear that you are saying that you thought your lying would save our marriage, but you thought wrong.  You’ve actually harmed our marriage even more.  But if you are sincere and you do want to save our marriage, then you need to start telling me nothing but the truth from today forward.  Because if you don’t, then I’m not going to be able to trust you.  And if I can’t trust you, then we do not have a marriage at all.”

Many men will understand this and will start to tell the truth since there’s no reason to continue to lie.  At this point, you know everything and continuing to lie is only going to deteriorate the marriage further. At that point, it will be your decision if you want to give him another chance or not.  And while I agree with you that this excuse isn’t a valid one and that there’s really no excuse to lie and to cheat, I can also tell you that this thought process is a very common one and it is also one that can be overcome.

My husband didn’t want to disclose all about his cheating at first because he was afraid that the more I knew, the angrier I would become.  He was right about that, but he eventually saw that I would accept nothing but the truth and he began to be very transparent.  This helped to start the process of regaining the trust and we were eventually able to save our marriage. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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