Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, wives aren’t sure that their family will ever be able to heal after their husband chose the other woman over his wife and over his family.  The wife often doubts that she will ever be able to forgive this betrayal in order to move on.

She might explain: “my husband cheated with someone who he met online.  At first, I thought that it was only a fleeting indiscretion but it soon became clear that he was serious about her.  He told me that he wasn’t sure if he could give her up and I told him that he was going to have to choose because he couldn’t have us both.  Well, he very reluctantly chose me but then he continued to see her behind my back.  I became furious and told him that it was her or me.  And, much to my horror, he chose her.  He moved out of our house and left our children and went to live with her.  This didn’t last for very long.  After a few weeks, he came home crying that he had made a mistake and begging for my forgiveness. But I don’t think that I can ever offer that forgiveness because he chose that hag over our family.  Over our children.  I would never put anyone or anything above our family.  And now I am in a situation where I have to decide if I’m going to have my kids live without their dad because I can’t forgive or if I’m going to try to find a way to make it work.  But, forgiveness is a big thing for me.  And I just can’t see ever being able to forgive this.”

I believe that anyone could understand the wife’s reasoning.  She felt guilty about her reluctance to forgive, but I didn’t think she had anything to feel guilty about.  She was dealing with the situation as best as she could.  And I felt she was doing a great job.  While I couldn’t decide for her if she should forgive, I could give her some insights, which I will share now.

You Don’t Have To Follow Anyone’s Timeline But Your Own.  You Don’t Need To Be In Any Hurry To Come To A Decision About Forgiveness:  Needless to say, this husband wanted his wife to offer swift forgiveness and to take him back in.  But frankly, the wife was in control of her own timeline.  They were both concerned about their children, but nothing said that the husband could not have access to his children or that they could not have family time without the wife having come to a decision about forgiveness.  Frankly, it was probably just too soon to even think about forgiveness.  The wife was going to need to see his remorse level and his future behaviors before she could even think about that.

So she might want to make this clear to her husband by saying something like: “I hear what you are saying, but you need to understand that I am going to need a lot more time before I can even consider forgiveness.  I need time to see what is going to happen and to evaluate how I feel.  For now, just know that the kids are as important to me as they are to you.  But your actions have left us with a lot of healing to do.  I have a lot of anger for the way that you basically abandoned us and choose her over us.  So you are going to have to show us that you are now putting us above everything and everyone else and you are going to have to do this for longer than just a short period of time.  I am going to take it one day at a time.  And I hope that you will too.  I am going to ask you to respect me enough to not pressure me or try to make me feel guilty.  I am hoping for the best but I need time to process this fully.  Please respect this.”

When You Are Ready, Know That Forgiveness Is For Your Benefit Instead Of His:  I don’t want for you to feel pressured about this in any way.  Any decision that you make should be yours alone and should come in your own time.  But I can also tell you that forgiveness (when it’s given freely and when enough time has passed) can be extremely freeing.  It can feel as if a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders and it can help you begin to leave all of this behind.  It’s also important to know that you can forgive him and not remain in a relationship with him.  So, this wife might decide that although her marriage just can’t be saved, she could still offer forgiveness in order to free herself.

With that said, there are many women who both forgive and save the marriage.  But neither scenario is right for everyone.  The real question is which is right for you.  The bottom line is that you get to say who you forgive and who you do not.  You also get to say when it all happens. You are in control.  This is your decision to make and you should not let anyone rush or pressure you.  But, I know first hand that forgiveness is very powerful and it can help to fully release the stronghold that this situation has over you.

I will admit that I took my sweet time about offering forgiveness to my husband.  I felt that it was my right and I also needed every moment of that time to heal.  Ultimately, we did save our marriage.  But I like to think that I would have offered forgiveness regardless.  Because it helped me much more than it helped him.  It if helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives understandably want the other woman out of their lives and out of their minds.  Many of them figure that this process would be easier if they knew that she was out of their husband’s mind as well.  To that end, these wives would like to minimize the relationship between the other woman and the husband. In short, she wants for both of them to realize that there were no real feelings involved.

A wife might explain: “when I first found out about the affair, my husband claimed to be in love with the other woman.  He wasn’t sure if he wanted to save our marriage.  After a lot of counseling and discussions, he now says that he realizes that the relationship was a farce and based totally on physical attraction.  Today, he’s saying that he realizes that there was never really loved involved and that what he has with me is love while what he had with her was not.  I am very relieved to hear this but one thing is still bothering me.  A couple of weeks after the affair ended, she started texting me.  She would just text one sentence lines that said things like ‘he will never love you in the way that he loves me’ or ‘he told me that he has never loved anyone in the way that he loves me.’  Needless to say, these claims are still troubling me.  So I want my husband to tell her the same thing that he has told me – that he never really loved her.  When I tell my husband this, he balks. He says that we need to leave the whole thing behind us and that he doesn’t want to communicate with her.  Who is right?  Because I really want for her to know that he never loved her, even though it’s kind of petty of me.”

I don’t necessarily think it’s petty.  I completely understand.  Because by always placing your focus on her, it can start to feel as if this other woman has something over you.  So it can be very normal to want to let her know that she was mistaken about this.  But, there are some real risk and incorrect assumptions here, which I will discuss below.

Understand That There Are Real Risks In Encouraging Him To Contact Her:  I admit that my opinions on this come from my own biased experience.  I understand wanting to put this woman in her place because I have been there.  But I also know that much of the time, the other woman wants nothing more than to know that she has gotten under your skin.  If you have your husband contact her with this assertion, she may well think that you put him up to this because you still see her as a threat.

Frankly, often her worst case scenario is for you and your husband to save your marriage, move on with your lives, and barely give her a second thought.  When you have your husband contact her, she knows that this isn’t the case.  She knows that she is still on your mind enough for you to want to pursue this. And she might see this as her way to get back into your life.  Because you can’t expect for her to not want to respond. She may want to have the last word.  And when this happens, suddenly she is in your life all over again.  Is this really what you want?

If You Must Deliver This Message, Keep It Very Short And Make Sure She Knows It’s The Final Communication:  Believe me when I say that I really do understand your feeling as if you need to communicate this important message.  I still think it is a bad idea, but I understand it.  I also know that some women just cannot rest until they finish this.  My advice is if you can’t let this go and you need for her to know that he didn’t love her, make sure that the communication is very short and that she can’t have a long, drawn out response.   I believe that doing this in writing is preferable to doing it face to face.  So, possibilities might be an email or a text.  But after that, block her ability to repeatedly text and email a response.

Because if you don’t, here is what is likely to happen.  She is going to try to prove her point.  So suddenly you’re going to get all of these emails, texts, or letters outlining just how often your husband told her he loved her or the things he did to express his love.  And frankly, this is likely to just upset you and it might even affect your progress.  Don’t allow her to get another foothold into your life.

As I hope you can tell, I think it’s best not to pursue this.  If your husband doesn’t communicate with her any longer and you save your marriage, then this woman can put the two together. Over time, as he continues to be out of her life, she will come to realize that what they had was not love.  She doesn’t need anyone to spell this out for her.  And you certainly don’t need to do anything that would give her an excuse to get back into your life.  In my experience, the best thing that you can possibly do is to place your focus on yourself and on your marriage and to leave her behind and in the past where she belongs.

As I said, I do understand this.  I found myself fixated on the other woman for a while after the affair.  But one day, I realized that it wasn’t doing me any good whatsoever and that, by placing so much attention on her, I was actually strengthening her hold over me.  Once I realized this, I never looked back and I began to heal.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many people riddled with guilt about a previous infidelity that has long been over.  On the one hand, they are grateful that their spouse doesn’t know about it because this means that their spouse is being spared the pain.  But on the other hand, they hate lying and the guilt is beginning to get to them.

Someone might explain: “about three months before my husband and I were married my ex-boyfriend came back into town and looked me up.  I only intended to have a few drinks with him for closure.  But we ended up sleeping together, partly because we were both intoxicated.  I rarely drink and I guess the few drinks that I had were too much.  The next day, I told my ex that the whole thing was a mistake, that I was getting married, and that we both just had to move on and not see one another any more.  And this is what happened.  My husband and I have been happily married for three years.  I haven’t talked to my ex since that night.  However, I feel such horrible guilt.  I feel awful for not telling him.  But we are happy.  We have a good marriage.  And this is just going to hurt him.  What should I do?” While I certainly couldn’t make this decision for this woman, I could offer some things to consider, which I’ll do below.

Is The Guilt Affecting Your Marriage?:  Often, I feel that one strong indication that the truth needs to come out is if the guilt and the deception are negatively affecting your marriage.  Sometimes, having something this huge between the spouses begins to chip away at their marriage.  The cheating spouse might put up some walls around themselves or they may act out because they don’t feel worthy.  Or, the faithful spouse might suspect that something is wrong and may begin to get suspicious.  Or they might notice their spouse distancing themselves and make faulty assumptions that further deteriorates things.

So it can help to take a long, hard look at your marriage and ask yourself if this secret is so big that it is having negative effects.  If so, then it might be time to come clean.  But if the marriage is a happy and healthy one, then that is another matter.  Because then you have to ask yourself if it’s worth disrupting the healthy relationship that’s present with the truth that could devastate it.

Do You Want To Tell More For Yourself Than For Your Spouse?:  There are many people who will tell you that confessing infidelity that has long been over is selfish on the part of the confessor.  Many will tell you that you’re only doing this to alleviate your own guilt knowing full well that the truth is only going to hurt your spouse and your marriage. In this way, the theory goes, you are putting your own needs above theirs, especially if  you have no real plans for rehabilitation and you only want to unload.  I’m not sure that I completely agree with this assessment.  Many people admit to the cheating because they feel that their spouse has the right to know.  Yes, sometimes they feel some relief from the guilt.  But sometimes, they are thinking of their spouse rather than themselves because they feel strongly that telling the truth is the only right thing to do. With all of this said, it can help to take a very honest look at your motivations and ask yourself if you’re doing this for them or for yourself.

How To Tell If You Decide To Do So:  I believe that how you tell the truth is as important as whether you tell the truth.  It’s so very important that your true motivation and intentions are apparent.  This is going to be painful enough, so you don’t want to give your spouse the idea that you don’t love them or that the other person is still in the picture.  A suggested script would be something like: “can we talk because there is something that is heavy on my mind?  What I’m about to tell you is going to be very difficult and I am more sorry than I can say.  But I want to make it very clear that I am telling you this because of my love for you. It would be much easier for me to continue on in silence and to spare you pain.  But you are the most important person in the world to me and our marriage will always be my top priority. Therefore, my commitment to you dictates that I tell you the truth.  I don’t want this truth to minimize my love for you or end our marriage, but I don’t want this secret between us any longer.  Right before our marriage, I got drunk and had sex with my ex.  It was only that one time and afterward, I made it clear that it would never happen again.  And I have never seen or spoken to him again.  And I never will.  You and our marriage is our priority.  Which is why I’m telling you the truth now.”

If these words make you cringe because you know that it won’t go well, take some time to take an honest inventory as to your motivations before you act.  Because once this is out, it can’t be undone.  However, if the secret is affecting your marriage, that can’t be undone either. Also, expect that even though the infidelity is in the past, your spouse might want rehabilitation almost as if it happened yesterday.

The good news is that restoring your marriage after infidelity is absolutely possible.  For some, this process even strengthens their marriage.  I can’t tell you what to do in this situation.  But, I can tell you that the truth doesn’t need to end your marriage.  I was the cheated on and not the cheater in my marriage.  But, if it helps you to get perspective, you can read about my recovery process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many women are very unsatisfied with the way that their husband is handling his rehabilitation after his cheating or affair. In fact, many wives are very clear on the fact that he has a whole lot of making up to do. And as a result, she is very disappointed when he falls short.

A wife might have this type of situation: “I find out two months ago about my husband had an affair. I almost walked out on him because I was that angry. He promised he would make it up to me, but he hasn’t even started that process. I am so disappointed. When my sister’s husband cheated on her, he bought her tons of gifts, took her to Europe, and generally followed her around like a naughty puppy for years. But my husband just mopes around, tells me that he’s sorry, but doesn’t take any action beyond this. Why hasn’t he done anything to make this up to me? And how can I get him to do more because this just isn’t cutting it?”  I’ll try to answer these questions very openly and honestly in the following article.

Some Men Don’t Know What You Expect In Terms Of Making It Up To You: If you were to ask any random 10 men what are some of the best ways to make up for infidelity, you would get wildly different answers depending on the personality of the men. Some will think that this means buying gifts. Others will think that it means catering to your wife’s every whim. Others will say it’s showing her how sorry you are and how much you love her. And some men are kind of clueless about the whole process because it just feels so awkward and foreign to them. They know that they are in the wrong. They know that you deserve for them to make this right. But they worry that if they go overboard, you will think that they are being fake or manipulative. They worry that you will think they are trying to buy your love with gifts. And they worry that, if they go overboard, you will think that this is their guilt talking even if they are very sincere. The truth is, a man can want to make it up to you, but he doesn’t know what is the right way to go about this. And since he is already in a very bad situation, he doesn’t want to make things worse.

Do I Have To Spell It Out For Him?: Many wives GREATLY resent their husband dragging his feet in this situation. The wives very much want for their husband to take the initiative and to work tirelessly to make this right. I completely understand this. As a wife who was cheated on myself, I understand that you probably feel that he should know what you need and he should fall all over himself trying to provide it. But here’s the thing. Sometimes he wants to do that, but he can’t read your mind and he’s afraid of doing things wrong when he’s already damaged your marriage so badly.

So when people ask me if they need to spell it out for him, my answer is that if you want to have your needs met, it’s sometimes more efficient to just spell it out. Yes, it’s not entirely fair that you need to do this. But doing so ensures that you get what you want or need.  So what does this look like in real life? Well, the next time he disappoints you or fails to act, you might say something like: “we need to talk for a second. Remember when you said that you were going to make this up to me? Well, I know that you are trying, but I feel like we have different ideas about what this means. Because I need for you to make the continuous effort to show me that you love, appreciate, and value me. I need your reassurance and affection. I need to know that you are remorseful and that you are taking action to show me that the infidelity isn’t going to happen again. This means being home for dinner, calling to check in on me, taking me out to enjoy time with me, showing me affection and physical reassurances, and generally just showing me how much I mean to you so that I’m not suspicious that you will cheat on me again. I’m still not seeing all of these things and I’m going to need to in order to feel confident and at peace. Can you help me by making more of an effort? If you’re still not clear about what I need, I’d be happy to break it down even further. Because I want for us to both feel as if we are recovering. And right now, I doubt that sometimes.”

Hopefully, you noticed that I tried very hard not to be accusatory. The tone was more like: “let me help you help me.” You don’t want to insinuate that he is too stupid or incentive to give you what you need. You don’t want to hint that he’s not sincere about making this up to you. Instead, you want to give off the impression that you know he is trying and you know that he would do what you needed if only he understood what that was. When you do begin to get results and you see him making a real effort, make sure that you praise him and let him know that he’s doing a much better job. This will ensure that he continues to give you what you need and that you can truly begin to heal.

Also, know that “making this up to you” doesn’t mean that he has to be the second class citizen in your relationship for the best of his life. You never want for him to feel belittled. Instead, you want to make it clear that his actions are meant to rebuild your confidence and trust, but not to punish him.

I sometimes had to spell things out for my husband during our recovery.  This wasn’t always my favorite thing to do, but it eventually ensured that I got the results I wanted.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives aren’t sure what they want to happen to their marriage after their husband cheats.  Many are listening to friends who tell them that cheating is a deal breaker.  Friends will offer up comments like: “if my husband was cheating on me, I’d leave him immediately.  He would get no second chance.  No marriage can survive that sort of betrayal.”

A wife who had been hearing these type of comments from friends, family, and coworkers might say: “my husband cheated on me with a mom from my son’s soccer team.  Our kids are actually teammates and friends.  So, we have known this woman for a while, although I’m not sure that this matters.  My husband has broken off the affair and said that he will do whatever I want to regain my trust.  But none of this is doing much to reassure me.  Quite frankly, I always agreed with my friends who said a husband who cheats is a husband who should be kicked to the curb.  But now that it has actually happened, I’m not so sure.  I don’t want to do this to my son.  At the same time, I have my doubts that our marriage will ever truly recover.  I worry that I will always suspect my husband wrongdoing.  And this kind of marriage isn’t great for my son either.  So I have no idea what is best.  Should you automatically leave a man if he cheats on you?”  I’ll give you my answer to this in the following article.

Here’s My Opinion, Even Though It Is Not Very Objective:  I will admit right from the start that I am not very objective.  My husband cheated on me and although I was tempted to leave him, I did not, mostly because of my children.  However, that turned out to be a good decision in my case, although I freely admit that everyone’s situation is different.  With all of this said, I understand that sometimes it turns out to be the best decision to leave your husband.  But I’m not sure that you should make that decision on a whim or immediately.  Because the thing is, in the days and weeks after you find out about the cheating, you are walking around in a fog.  You can’t even begin to think clearly.  You don’t know what you want.  And, you’ve yet to see how all of this is going to play out.

Sure, you might assume that you do not have the ability to forgive or that your husband (or marriage) does not have the ability to be rehabilitated.  But, you can’t possibly know this for a fact unless you see it through and see for yourself.  You can speculate endlessly, but you won’t know for sure.  I realize that not everyone is going to be able to let things play out, but having some patience and giving yourself time to make a decision brings about a lot of possibilities.

I hear from many people who do not leave after their spouse cheats.  And some of them are very grateful for this.  Many tell me that if they had left, they never would have rebuilt their marriage and they wouldn’t have the subsequent marriage, partner, children, or life that they now have.

A Happy And Rehabilitated Marriage Is Possible After Cheating:  Many people who leave after their spouse cheats do so because they just don’t believe that their marriage can survive or can return to a healthy and happy place.  And, some marriages can not.  But some can and some do.  With a lot of work as well as patience, honesty, and rehabilitation, it is very possible to have a good marriage after cheating.  In fact, it’s not at all uncommon for people to tell me, as weird or as unbelievable as it might sound, their marriage is actually stronger now than it was before the infidelity.  This doesn’t sound weird or unbelievable to me because I feel that way also.  But I can understand why people who haven’t been through this have their doubts.

Recovering and saving your marriage isn’t automatic or easy. It doesn’t happen for every couple.  But it does happen for many.  And you can’t know if it’s going to be possible for you if you automatically walk away without giving yourself or your marriage a chance. I would never have believed that I could forgive, trust, or give my husband my whole heart once again, but I have and I’m very glad of this.  I know that this isn’t the case for everyone.  But if I had left, then I would not have the marriage that I have today.

So while I couldn’t directly answer this question for this wife (as this decision had to be hers alone) I could tell her that some marriages do survive infidelity. And that, if she left, she wouldn’t have the time to find out if hers fit into that category.

I’m not saying that my opinion is right for anyone else.  I’m just trying to answer the question honestly.  I was able to rehabilitate my marriage, but I know that this isn’t possible for everyone.  If if it helps, you can read the whole story of that rehabilitation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Faithful spouses are often looking for a way to save their marriage after infidelity while keeping their self-worth intact.   Believe it or not, cheating spouses want the same thing as faithful spouses:  They want to save their marriage, but they often find that their spouse both doubts them and is having trouble trusting them.

A cheating husband might say: “I will admit that I cheated on my wife.  And this is the hugest mistake I have ever made and ever will make.  I can not express how much I regret this. Nor can I express how much I want to save my marriage.  But in order to do that, I need for my wife to forgive me and to trust me.  I can tell that she’s staying for our kids, but I also suspect that she doesn’t really trust me.  The other day, I brought up this topic and she said ‘you know, it’s just impossible for me to just let go because, in the back of my mind, I feel like what happens if you cheat again.  I just don’t feel as if I can let my guard down and really commit to this marriage because I could not handle being cheated on again.’  I can understand why she would feel this way, but I would never cheat again.  How can I prove this to her or make her understand this?”  I will try to answer these questions in the following article.

Do Not Belittle Her Concerns Or Dismiss Her:  I do understand how badly you want and need for your wife to believe and trust in you.  But, you have to understand her point of view.  She did trust in and believe you.  And look at what has happened.  She is in so much pain right now that she never wants to repeat this.  So asking her to risk her heart when there might be a chance that in the future that it will be broken again is a tall order.

That’s why it probably won’t help you to tell her that she just has to trust you or that she just has to get over this.  Doing so won’t make you seem very sympathetic and it tells her that you are more concerned about yourself than you are about her.  You are better off validating her.  Tell her that you completely understand why she feels the way that she does, but that you intend to prove to her that she can trust you again.  Stress that until that time, you will be patient and you will give her all the time she needs.

Understand That Trust Is Often Restored With Repeated Actions Over Time.  Words Are Not A Quick Fix:  Many people in this situation will hope that they can talk their way out of it.  They will stress how much they love their spouse and they will try to explain their case. The thing is, your spouse knows that you are going to say anything to make this right.  And frankly, they are often waiting to see what your actions are going to say instead of what your words are going to claim.   They often do not want to make a rushed decision.  They want to see if your actions are going to back up your words.  And you need to respect that.  Because anyone can say anything to get quick results.  But if you really mean what you say, then you are going to follow up time and time again no matter how long this takes.  So tell her that she can trust you with your actions as well as your words.

The Actions That Inspire Trust:  Your spouse wants to see that you have nothing to hide and that you are trying to hide nothing.  To that end, you need to come home when you are finished with work or with your other obligations.  You need to include your spouse in your activities whenever possible. It doesn’t hurt to call her throughout the day to check in and let her know that you are thinking about her.  If she wants to go to counseling, or has questions, or wants to talk endlessly, cooperate with her.  Show her that you are willing to do whatever it takes.  It’s OK to do the little things that let her know that you love and value her, but don’t go overboard with elaborate or expensive guilt gifts that will only make her think that you are trying to buy her forgiveness.

What she really wants to see from you is true remorse, true trustworthiness, and a determination to make this right because you love her and still want to be with her.  She doesn’t need to believe that you’re trying to “make” her trust you again when you know deep down you don’t deserve it. Be patient and don’t try to regain her trust in the quickest way possible.  Know that you must earn her trust and be willing to do what it takes and to be patient.

If I’m being honest, I have to admit that it took a good deal of time for me to believe that my husband wouldn’t cheat again.  I listened to his reassurances and claims, but in the back of my mind, my reservations were there.  Still, I committed to moving forward anyway because my marriage was that important to me.  We eventually did recover and our very strongly committed today.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives suspect a past affair.  But sometimes, the affair is not a current event.  Some of these wives suspect an affair that has probably long been over. And they are wondering if whether, after so much time, it is even worth it to mention it now.

Someone might say: “the other day, I was in the grocery store and I ran into my husband’s old office assistant.  I haven’t seen her in over a decade.  She worked with my husband after we first got married, but she later quit to go back to school.  We were friendly but I didn’t know her all that well.  So as we are chatting about small talk at the grocery store, this woman starts talking and asking about my husband.  In fact, he was all that she seemed to be interested in.  And her eyes lit up at the memory of him.  Suddenly, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.  I went home and called one of my girlfriends and told her about the incident.  I asked my girlfriend if this was all in my own imagination or whether I was being silly.  My friend told me that no, she didn’t think that I was being silly because she always got the vibe that there was something going on between them but she didn’t want to hurt me by saying anything.  After both conversations, I started thinking about how often my husband worked late during that time period and I also thought about how they went on overnight trips for work sometimes.  At this point, I’m reasonably sure they might have had an affair.  This was over a decade ago and we’ve been happily married ever since.  Should I confront my husband about something that happened so long ago?”  I’ll answer these questions in the following article.

If You Don’t Ask, This Is Probably Always Going To Bother You: I understood the wife’s reluctance to stir this up.  After all, a decade had passed and they had been happily married.  And, if she was wrong, her husband was going to be very hurt and possibly angry.  Also, as a wife who has been cheated on, I can tell you that sometimes, it’s easier if you don’t know, at least initially.  But, the thing is, if you don’t ask and find out for sure, then you are always going to wonder and worry.  And the worry can become an overriding factor in your life and in your marriage.  In short, sometimes if you don’t say anything then this festers and hurts your marriage anyway.  So, it’s my opinion that it’s best to just bring this out in the open.  Now, let’s talk about how you do it.

How To Ask Him About An Affair That Is Long In The Past:  It’s important not to go in and immediately become accusatory.  Yes, you might have some very good reasons to be suspicious.  But, you still don’t really know and he deserves to be given a chance to explain or to confirm or deny.  So, you might want to say something like: “you’ll never believe who I ran into at the grocery store this morning.  I have to tell you that she was completely fixated on you.  She brought every subject back to you and it made me uncomfortable.  I have to ask you about something that is really bothering me.  Was there ever anything beyond a  professional relationship between the two of you?  I need for you to tell me the truth.  We can deal with this, but I need for you to be honest with me. We’ve been happily married ten years after the fact and that will count.  But you still owe me complete honesty.  Please be very candid with me.”

At this point, he will give you an answer.  He may very convincingly deny it.  Or, he might break down and disclose an affair from long ago.  You’ll need to decide if you believe what he is telling you.  To do this, you can often look at his behaviors over the course of your marriage.  If he does admit to an affair, does the fact that it happened long ago change anything?  Well, that depends on you, but it can.  If your husband has been faithful and loving for a decade, then that should count for something.  But, I can also tell you that healing after infidelity is a process, no matter how long ago the infidelity occurred.  You will still need to restore the trust, determine what contributed to the affair and then work through it.  But understand that you can work through it and you can get past this.  And some men will look right in the eye and deny that anything inappropriate occurred and you may well believe this because you know him well enough to know when he’s telling the truth.

So to answer the question posed, I believe that most women will probably want to ask about the affair because if they don’t, the wondering is going to become a problem. However, if he does admit to an affair from long ago, you can recover and heal, if you chose to.

Although I was not in this situation (as my husband’s affair was current,) I did go through the entire recovery process.  It wasn’t easy.  But it was worth it.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives are nearly positive that their husband wants a divorce after they have caught him cheating or having an affair.  And many feel that this whole situation is an awful waste.  Because they wonder why he didn’t just tell them how unhappy he was or ask for a divorce BEFORE he was unfaithful and BEFORE he cheated or had an affair. This would make a lot of logical sense and would have avoided a lot of problems and pain.

A wife might give an example like this one: “two weeks ago, I saw some things on my husband’s computer that lead me to discover that he had been having an affair.  When I confronted him, he didn’t seem particularly sorry and he said that he’d been very unhappy with our marriage for a long time. He said he went outside of our marriage because it was no longer fulfilling for him.  What a lame excuse.  If he was so unhappy, why didn’t he just divorce me before he went out and found someone else? Why be so cowardly that he had to betray me?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

A Man Who Cheats Doesn’t Always Want A Divorce: People often assume that a man who cheats is acting in some sort of passive-aggressive way.  They assume that he no longer loves his wife or that the marriage has deteriorated so much that he wants to walk away from that same marriage or get a divorce.  This just isn’t always the case.  Yes, some men are unhappy in their marriages (although not all are.)  But sometimes, those same men hope that things will eventually work themselves out and some of them even think that getting their needs met outside of their marriage might actually buy them some time.  I know that this seems like twisted logic, but this is sometimes their thought process.  Many of them don’t anticipate getting caught either so hurting you is never even on their radar.

Sometimes, He Doesn’t Think That Approaching You Prior To Going Outside Of The Marriage Will Make A Difference:  Please understand that I’m not defending men who cheat.  As someone who has experienced this myself, I wouldn’t do that.  But, I am trying to share a possible thought process with you to help you to keep some perspective.  Men sometimes tell me on my blog that they didn’t approach their wife beforehand because they didn’t think that there would be any real resolution.  He will say that he felt as if that conversation was only going to make his wife angry with him and so the situation would have gotten worse instead of better.  I’m not saying that this is true. I’m just saying that this is sometimes his perception.

Aside From Whether He Wants A Divorce, What Do You Want?:  I notice that many women’s first concerns after finding out about the affair are how their husband feels and what he wants to happen.  They worry that he no longer loves them.  They worry that he wants a divorce.  They worry that he’s still thinking about or pursuing the other woman. But rarely is their first worry about what they themselves are thinking.  Remember that you have a say.  You get to decide how you feel and what you want and this is every bit as important as what he feels.  You matter as much as he does.

Why It’s Best To Put Off Talks Of Divorce:  It’s totally normal for your mind to automatically think about divorce after an affair.  Most people automatically go there because of the assumptions that I talked about earlier.  But many couples end up not divorcing even if this was their initial inclination.  When the affair comes out into the open, the emotions are so raw.  You will often want to do something very drastic to either make a statement or to stop the pain. The thing is, a divorce doesn’t always stop the pain.   Some people actually regret this once they have had enough time to reflect.

That’s why I recommend not making any snap or dramatic decisions.  You want to give yourself the luxury of time.  And often, both you and your husband’s perceptions, feelings and wishes change with time.  So it can be hard to predict what is going to happen or what you even want to happen. Yes, divorce is sometimes the end result even when you take your time to make a decision.  But this isn’t always the case.  So it makes sense to give yourself the time that you need and to not make any snap decisions or assumptions.

So to answer the questions posed, there are various reasons why he won’t ask for a divorce before having an affair.  Sometimes, he didn’t plan to cheat.  Other times, he didn’t think approaching you was going to help.  And frankly, he might not want a divorce at all.

I will admit that my thoughts immediately went to a divorce after my husband had an affair.  However, I did not pursue this immediately because of my children.  Today, I’m very glad I made this decision because our marriage is actually stronger today than it was then.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Some wives aren’t sure what to do about their marriage after their husband cheats or has an affair.  Some of them genuinely want to save their marriage, but they aren’t sure if this is going to be possible – or even healthy.

An example is a wife that says: “I know this is a huge cliche, but my husband had a long-term affair with his secretary.  Once I found out, she left her job because she told my husband that she couldn’t face me.  So I am reasonably confident that she is now out of the picture.  But although I would like to save my marriage, I’m not sure if this is going to be possible.  I have a friend who stayed married after her husband’s affair and she is so angry and miserable with him. She says the issues of the affair come up on a regular basis.  It’s clear neither of them has been able to move on and that they are both extremely unhappy.  She tells me that she thinks they would have both been better off if they had divorced because there is really no way to truly get over the infidelity.  Is she right?  I really want to save my marriage but maybe it is better to just cut my losses and get a divorce after this kind of betrayal before I waste all this time but end up being miserable anyway.”

I couldn’t say whether it was going to be better for her if she went ahead and got a divorce.  Because that was a decision that only she could make.  But what I could do is share my experiences so that she may have more insight into this situation, which I will do below.

A Divorce Isn’t A Given After An Affair:  It may surprise you when I tell you this, but many couples do not divorce after infidelity.  I realize that it’s a common perception that divorce usually follows an affair, but this just isn’t the case.  Many couples do choose to remain married for a variety of reasons.

Staying Married Is Different Than Staying Happy:  With this said, some of those marriages stay together, but they never really fully recover.  Anger and resentment remain.  The affair is never really worked through so that the issues continue to come up.  One or both people will try to make little digs or say things to hurt the other.  The trust is never really restored so the faithful spouse never really feels at ease and always feels as if they must “check up” on their spouse.  This too leads to resentment.

So this is probably what the friend alluded to when she said that she felt she would be better off divorced.  Her marriage had never recovered to where it was healthy, happy and fulfilling so of course, she felt that way.

In My Opinion, If You Can Improve Or Rebuild Your Marriage, There’s No Need To Automatically Divorce:  Some people really do commit to rebuilding after an affair.  They don’t want to settle for a marriage that is just limping along.  They want to be happily married again and they vow to not stop until they accomplish this.  So for those folks (and I consider myself in this category), it was definitely better for them to stay married because the marriage actually improved due to the work they did after the affair.

Of course, everyone’s experience is different.  That is why there is no one right or wrong answer for every couple.  Some people just can’t bring themselves to forgive.  And some marriages just don’t recover.  But the good news here is that many are able to do both.  If I were to try to answer the question posed, my honest response (and this is only my opinion) is that for me, it was better to stay married than getting divorced because I was able to rebuild my marriage to where I am happier right now than I believe I would have been divorced.  However, if my marriage had become an empty shell of itself to where I was bitter, miserable, and resentful, then I am not sure that I would have wanted to stay in that situation.

Luckily, my reality is that I am again happily married.  I’m so glad I didn’t get divorced.  I would have missed out on so much if I had.  I won’t tell you that recovery and rebuilding were easy.   But I will tell you that it was worth it.  If it helps, you can read the story of my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many cheating spouses do their very best to blame the cheating on anyone but themselves.  To that end, they will often say that their spouse’s negative behavior “drove” or “inspired” them to cheat.

A blamed wife might explain: “my husband cheated on me and I found out about it 2 months ago.  Since that time, I have been trying to explore what would cause him to do this.  When we first started having conversations about this, he would say that he didn’t know why he cheated.  But lately, he’s started saying that my behavior drove him to cheat.  More specifically, he is saying that my criticism drove him to seek out other women.  He says that he always feels like he has to walk eggshells shells with me.  He also says I make him feel as if he’s not good enough.  Personally, I think what he’s saying is a not valid, but I want to know if it’s possible for my spouse to cheat because I was too critical of him?”

Here is my take on this.  Obviously, I did not know this wife or her husband personally.  So it wasn’t possible for me to say if the wife was overly critical in terms of her daily personality.  However, I do know that the “too critical spouse” is a common excuse that people will give for their own cheating.  There are other common excuses like “my spouse doesn’t understand or appreciate me,” or “my spouse doesn’t provide me with enough attention or enough of what I need.”  But, regardless of the words that these spouses use, it all comes down to the same thing – they are trying to detract the blame from themselves and they are trying to point to their spouse’s behavior to justify their own actions.

Why This Argument Just Doesn’t Hold Up: But here is the thing that these spouses do not consider.  Even if you gave them the benefit of every doubt and assumed that they were telling the truth, there is no justification for cheating.  If their marriage lacked something, they could have spoken up, sought counseling, or approached their spouse before they were unfaithful.  Instead, the went behind their spouse’s back and cheated.  And whether their spouse is critical or not, there is no justification for this.

This mistake doesn’t mean that you can’t recover or save your marriage. People make mistakes every day.  And, marriages recover from infidelity every day also.  But, blaming your spouse for your infidelity is not the right way to start the healing.

What To Do If Your Spouse Is Blaming Your Criticism Or Your Negativity For Their Cheating:  First of all, it truly is up to you what you want to do with this assertion.  And if you think that there is any validity to his claims, then there is nothing wrong with using this information to make improvements to yourself or to your marriage.  That’s using this situation for something positive rather than for something negative, which is always a good idea.

With that said, know that his saying it does not make it valid.  He may well just be using this as an excuse. So you might want to think about a response like: “thank you for finally attempting to be honest with me.  I suspect it wasn’t easy for you to say this and I will take that into consideration.  However, we’re talking about our actions and your behavior, not mine.  Because, in my mind, nothing excuses infidelity. You could have handled any problem you had with my criticism in many different ways that didn’t include cheating, but you did not.  We have to heal regardless of the cause so I want to move forward rather than continuing to look backward.  But at the same time, I want to make it very clear that you must take responsibility for this. I’m not going to accept the blame.  I will work on myself and take a long, hard look at ways that I might have made our marriage vulnerable.  But, whatever my faults, I was faithful to you.  Now, let’s place our focus on moving forward instead of looking back.”

Notice that while I made it very clear that you won’t accept the blame and insisted that he take responsibility, I also left room for self-evaluation if you felt it was appropriate. So to answer the question posed, while I couldn’t tell this wife if her husband truly cheated because she was so critical, I could tell her that this is a very common excuse.  And that, even if his claims were true, this was not a valid reason to cheat.  Finally, healing and moving forward are more important than continuing to look back and then attempting to dole out the blame.

When I initially found out about my husband’s affair, he took full responsibility.  However, as we started to try to heal, he started making little comments that seemed to point the blame back to me.  I had to make it very clear that this wasn’t acceptable.  Once he stopped, our healing sped up.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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