Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives are very understandably outraged at their husband’s excuses for his cheating.  One popular excuse (if you can call it that) which he will sometimes use is that he will tell you that he just wasn’t thinking when he cheated. Not surprisingly, many wives don’t find this excuse as one that is very valid.

A wife might say: “I caught my husband cheating about a month ago.  He didn’t have enough integrity to admit to this himself.  Instead, I saw text messages on his phone.  I am so mad at him.  And when I ask him what in the world he was thinking and how he could risk our marriage and our family this way, his response to me is that he wasn’t thinking of the consequences before he acted.  What kind of excuse is this?  I mean, what if I didn’t think of the consequences before I quit my job or before I did something destructive that might ruin our family?  Why is he allowed to give such a lame excuse? Because regardless of whether he was thinking about the consequences, I now have to deal with them.  Why would he even say this to me?”  I will try to discuss these concerns in the following article.

Why A Man Might Give You The Old ‘I Didn’t Think Of The Consequences Before I Acted’ Excuse:  Some men will give you this excuse simply because they believe it to be true.  But other times, they say this because they hope that you understand that they didn’t act maliciously.  In other words, they don’t want for you to think that they actually planned and schemed to cheat on you.  They want for you to know that it wasn’t premeditated.  They think that at least you will know that they weren’t intentional in trying to hurt you.  Of course, you will need to decide if you want to accept this explanation and whether it means anything to you.

Does The Fact That He Wasn’t Thinking About The Consequences Absolve His Guilt?:  Although some wives are willing to actually believe that he didn’t plan to cheat or to hurt them, this fact doesn’t really change anything for many of them.  It doesn’t eliminate the cheating or make it not count.  Because whether he intended to or not, he did cheat.  And his cheating means that you have a lot of healing to do before you can move on.  So to answer the previous question, no, I do not believe that his intentions have any implications in terms of his guilt.  He may well not have meant to cheat or to hurt you, but he did.  So it is now his responsibility to begin to fix this.

How To Respond When He Gives You This Old, Tired Excuse:  Many wives quickly grow tired of hearing this and they want to know how to respond and how to stress that his intention doesn’t lessen his guilt.  A suggested response might be something like: “I hear what you are saying.  I hear you saying that you did not intend to betray or hurt me.  And I understand why you are trying to make that distinction.  However, regardless of the intention, you did cheat on me.  Regardless of your intention, we are now in a situation where we have to deal with this and pick up the pieces.  Whether you meant to or not, the reality is you have hurt me deeply and you have damaged our marriage.  And, I am more interested in healing than in examining your intentions.  What I want from you now is not excuses but action and healing.  Can you commit to placing your focus on how we are going to heal instead of why you acted as you did?”

Of course, eventually, you are going to have to deal with the whys here so that it will not happen to you again.  But in the beginning stages of healing, hearing his excuses gets old and it can make you feel as if he’s trying to offer up excuses when really, there are none.  So it’s very important that you make it very clear that you are interested in the end results instead of being interested in the excuses.  Because excuses don’t really change or improve your situation.  But his taking responsibility and committing to rehabilitation and healing most definitely does.

My husband tried to give me lame excuses for his actions also.  I had to make it very clear that not only was this not acceptable, but I had no intention of listening to his excuses.  I had to make him understand that I was only listening to things that were going to move us forward rather than to keep us stuck in the past.  If it helps, you can read about our healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Some wives feel as if every single thing regarding their marriage is now tainted because of their husband’s infidelity.  In fact, some even begin to question their husband’s love for and feelings toward them.  Eventually, it can begin to feel as if your shared history might be distorted or as if the happy memories were all in your mind.

A wife might express: “my husband’s infidelity has ruined absolutely everything.  I don’t trust him.  I can’t even bear to look at him.  But you know what the worst part is?  Not only did he destroy our present and our future, but I feel as if he has also destroyed our past.  These days, when I remember back to early in our marriage or to when we were dating, I just feel cheated out of what should have been.  I can’t even look back at the happy memories without getting a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I used to look back on our early relationship with longing and nostalgia.  Now, I wonder if he had a wandering eye even back then or if he was lying to me in the past but I just didn’t want to see it.  I am so mad about this.  Because if my husband and I had divorced for any other reason or if he was going to leave my life in another way, at least I could look back on it and think we had some happy memories.  Now, I feel like we don’t even have that anymore.  Will it ever get any better?”

I believe that it will get better.  In fact, it is my own experience that it gets a lot better.  And I know how this feels.  I felt the same way.  I would even look back on my honeymoon and wonder what I might have missed.  I’d think back to our early marriage when we were struggling but blissfully happy and I would wonder if I was the only one who felt this happiness or if I saw only what I wanted to see.

However, as time has passed and I have healed, I am now able to look back on my memories with fondness again.  Yes, my husband and I reconciled and this may have something to do with my improved memories.  But, I hear from wives who eventually ended the marriage but who eventually come to view their memories as positive feelings rather than as negative ones. How is this possible?  Are we all just crazy or do we just have a huge capacity for forgiveness or forgetfulness?  I don’t think that either is the case. I’ll explain more below.

When The Pain Is The Most Fresh, Your Memories Will Be Most Distorted:  Please believe me when I say that I don’t mean to be condescending or intensive.  With my background, this is the last thing that I want.  But I know from experience that your memories will be the most negatively affected when your pain is the most intense and the freshest.  In the early days following the affair, you just aren’t thinking clearly (and understandably so.)  Your emotions are all over the place and you tend to see things at their very worst.  This is absolutely normal.  But it’s also about the worst it can and does get.  From there, things progressively get better because they have the time and distance necessary to do so.

We Tend To Romanticize Our Memories When We Are Happy And Make Them Seem Dire When We Are Not:  You know how I told you that I used to look back fondly on the early years of my marriage when we were poor but blissfully in love?  Well, if I’m being honest, at the time when we were struggling financially, I didn’t think borrowing money from my parents was so great or even romantic.  But, as time passed, I tended to blur the lines on how I really felt.  And, when I no longer felt the frustration of not having enough money, I actually looked back on that time with longing because other good things were happening with my life such as getting married and starting a family.

The thing is, we tend to forget both how bad things were (and also how good they were) with the passage of time.  The lines get blurred and the feelings dull.  And, when you are in pain, this can actually be a good thing.  Now that it’s been a few years since the infidelity, I can go back to that time and not feel like I’m going to throw up.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t look back at it as a time I enjoyed or even tolerated.  But, the truth is that all marriages have their fair share of burdens.  I don’t remember having to borrow that money from my parents as all that awful anymore, either.  Likewise, I look back on the time my son was ill and of course, I cringe because that was a bad time for us.  But now that I know that we have gotten through it, then it no longer stings quite as much as it used to.  The same is true of infidelity.  Once you get through it (and you get through it, whether your marriage survives or not because eventually, you do move on either way,) then it no longer has the same hold over you or over your memories.

Eventually, Your Authentic Memories Come Back Into Focus As Healing Takes Place:  As I alluded to, once you begin to heal, this distortion no longer has so great a hold on you.  I can’t and won’t tell you that I look back on the infidelity as a benign period of my marriage.  It was awful.  I would never want to repeat it.  But today, I can look back on it and no longer feel the full weight of the emotions.  And today, when I look back on our early years, my memories are genuine.  The good times are still the good times. And the bad times are put in perspective, even the affair.

I know that this is a very difficult time for you.  But always place your focus on moving forward. It can and does get better.  Infidelity doesn’t have to steal everything.  You can heal.  And you can make choices that will help begin the healing process sooner rather than later. If it helps, you can read about how I healed on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Recently, I heard from a wife who had just learned about her husband’s affair.  And, she was just as upset by her husband’s not following through on a previous promise as she was about his affair.  The reason for this was that her husband had promised her that if he ever felt tempted to cheat, he would come to her first and allow her to address whatever problems that may have been contributing to this.

She explained: “a couple of years ago, one of our very dear couple friends divorced because of the husband’s infidelity.  We saw first hand how hurtful this was to everyone involved.  It destroyed a family right before our eyes.  And today, both the husband and the wife have never recovered.  After we watched our friends go through this, my husband and I made a pact.  We promised one another that if either of us was ever unhappy and therefore tempted to cheat, we would approach the other and try to work things out before we took action and cheated.  I believed my husband when he committed to doing this.  However, last week, he came to me and told me that he had cheated.  He said it was just a few times and that it’s been over for several weeks.  My first thought was not that he cheated, but that he hadn’t made good on his promise to come to me first.  Why would he do this?”  In the following article, I’ll offer some possible reasons that this may have happened.  And I’ll try to help decipher where to go from here.

Often, When People Cheat, It’s A Very Impulsive Decision That Isn’t Planned Beforehand:  I firmly believe that most people don’t really intend to cheat.  Admittedly, they walk a slippery slope where perhaps they should have seen it coming.  In other words, sometimes inappropriate or questionable things happen before the actual cheating that should have clued them in that something horrible was about the take place unless he stopped in his tracks.  But, people who cheat will often very convincingly tell you that they honestly did not leave their house in the morning without any idea or intention that they were going to cheat on their spouse or actually cross the line.

So, since they did not have the intention, it would be difficult for them to approach their spouse ahead of time.  Now, I am fully aware that this isn’t always a valid argument.  I know that some people start having lunch with the other person and then start meeting the other person on the sly and then they eventually start to cheat so that they are well aware that they are stepping over the line and have plenty of opportunities to come to their spouse.  But when you go to the cheating spouse with this argument, they will often tell you that in their mind, they may have been harmlessly flirting or stroking their ego, but they didn’t intend to cheat.  And therefore going to their spouse was only going to hurt her and only cause problems where none needed to exist.

They will often insist that the cheating was a very impulsive, last minute decision that they didn’t take a lot of time to ponder over very carefully.  So they will tell you that there was no time to approach you because they didn’t take any time to consider the consequences of their actions.  Whether you accept this as valid or not, this is often what you will hear from cheating spouses. I am not offering a defense.  Rather, I’m trying to tell you what you might encounter from your own spouse.

Why Didn’t He Tell Me Right After The First Time?:  As I suspected, the wife’s first response was “but he cheated twice.  There were two incidents over the course of a few days with the same woman.  I could almost buy there was no time to approach me beforehand, but then he went back and did it again.  Why? Why not just come to me and confess without going back?”

I can’t really answer that question for the husband.  I’m a wife who has been cheated on rather than a husband who has cheated.  But, many cheating men will describe being in a panic and not thinking clearly.  They will tell you that they were fully aware of how much pain you were going to be in.  Not that this is a valid excuse either, but they will often say that they just weren’t thinking properly. And also, I would argue that this husband especially knew how devastating this was going to be since he saw his friends go through this.  So, he knew how much of an issue this was to his wife.  And, he knew that nothing was going to hurt her as much as this.  So, he was likely in no hurry to tell the truth.

Many husbands vow that the truth is never going to come out. Many even want to tell the truth because they feel they might feel release some of the guilt.  But they don’t want to unleash that sort of pain on their wives.  As to why they would continue on with the cheating, again it’s not right to speak for this husband.  But many will tell you that there was no way to turn back time and that the cat was already out of the bag so to speak.  This doesn’t make a lot of sense to me or excuse the behavior, but this is often what I hear.

How Do You Move On From This Double Betrayal?:  I completely understand why a wife in this situation would be so upset.  She thought they had an unbreakable pact.  So when he comes with news of cheating, not only must she deal with the cheating, she must let go of her belief that he had her back on this issue that was so very important to her.  I really could not defend the husband. I could only tell her that people who cheat often do or say anything once they cross that line. Sometimes, this is to spare them some of the fallout.  And other times, they are trying to spare their spouse pain.  But the wife did have two issues to work through.

Luckily, there often is hope after infidelity.  It is not always easy.  But it is often possible.  It often requires a husband who is more than willing to take responsibility and to take an active role in rehabilitation and a wife who was willing to allow him to do this.

I know that these reasons probably don’t strike you as valid.  I agree that hearing all of these excuses can be maddening.  But, it’s very important that you focus as much on your healing as you focus on the whys or hows of what he did.  Because once you heal, the rest doesn’t matter as much or cause you as much pain, at least this was the case in my situation.  If it helps, you can read my healing story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who have just discovered (or admitted to) infidelity, cheating, or an affair.  Of course, the feelings that a person experiences are going to be different depending on whether you are the faithful or the cheating spouse.  I have only been on one side of this scenario (I was the faithful spouse,) but I hear from cheating spouses sometimes, so I feel pretty confident that I am familiar with the feelings on both sides, which I will discuss below.

What The Cheating Spouse Can Expect To Feel: Again, I have never been a spouse who has cheated, but I have noted some definite themes.  Here are some of the feelings that they often express.

Panic:  Typically panic of being caught is a very common feeling.  They start to wonder if they have ruined everything or if they are going to lose their family.  This is often when reality will come crashing down.  When people are cheating, they are often living in a sort of fantasy world. But, once the infidelity is out in the open, this comes to a quick end.  Often, as a result, they will have racing thoughts that can cause them to either act foolishly or act desperately.  Sometimes, they aren’t sure what or who they want, but they realize that they must decide very soon.

Being Indignant Or Grappling For Justification:  After the panic comes, many people will try to have some conversations with themselves in which they try to reconcile their actions.  Yes, most know that they were wrong.  But they do not want to feel as if they are a deplorable person.  So they might search their mind for justification for their actions.  They might place some blame on their marriage or on their spouse.  They may tell themselves that they were in a vulnerable time in their life.  Or they may present the other person or the other relationship as particularly special.  The justification or rationalization phase usually doesn’t last forever.  It’s usually just an initial attempt to help make things better, at least in the cheating person’s own mind.

Guilt:  No matter how much justification a person will attempt, guilt usually seeps in.  After all, no matter how bad things were, cheating is a choice.  And it is a choice with extremely painful consequences for those we love.  So no matter how you slice it, when you cheat, you have many reasons to rightfully feel guilty for this.  And most people do experience a good amount of guilt, even if they do not always let it show or express it.

Sorrow:  I’m placing sorrow at the end of this list because it is sometimes the last emotion that you are going to see.  Sometimes, people posture because they are trying to reduce the faithful spouse’s reaction.  But after all the posturing and emotions die down, most people will be sorry for their actions.  Many people expect and hope for better behavior from themselves.  And quite honestly, very few people intend to cheat on their spouse.  Many would not have believed that they were capable of such disappointing behavior.

What The Faithful Spouse Feels: This list is a little easier for me because I’ve actually felt these things in my own life.  Of course, everyone’s experience is going to be unique to them.  But here are some common things that I hear about on my blog and felt.

Disbelief: Admittedly, some women suspect the cheating long before they get confirmation of this, but not everyone has this luxury.  Some of us never saw this coming and it seems to hit us out of nowhere.  We are in disbelief because we thought our marriage was happy.  We thought (or hoped) that our husband had more integrity than this.  We believed him when he told us he was doing innocent things when he wasn’t with us.  And sometimes, we have disbelief in ourselves for our own naivety.

Outrage:  I don’t mean to speak for anyone else, but it’s very common to feel out and out rage and fury after the realization of the infidelity hits.  This isn’t your run of mill betrayal.  This isn’t some minor lie like him omitting information about how much he spent on his brother’s birthday.  This is a major, painful, irrevocable betrayal.  And it hurts so much it makes you angrier than you ever thought possible.  I am a pretty even-keeled person and it takes a lot to make me truly mad.  But my husband knew to stay out of my way during this period of our lives.

Wanting To Seek Some Compromise Or Resolution:  Eventually, even the hottest anger can’t sustain itself forever.  Often, there are other things to consider besides our fury.  Many of us have kids, a shared history, or shared homes or responsibilities.  So it can be difficult to throw that all away on just one mistake.  This is the time when many of us will begin to question what happens now.  While we may have wanted to throw him out yesterday, today we might wonder if there is any way to turn this around or even we even want to.

Sadness:  When you begin to run out of energy as you navigate this process, you’re often left with a little bit of sadness.  You realize that your anger isn’t helping you so you decide to let it go, but you’re left with an undeniable sadness that it had to come to this.

Distrust: Often, when you’re trying to process infidelity, you begin to distrust everyone.  You wonder who else helped your husband to get away with his lies.  You start to look at other women with suspicion.  You start to look at male coworkers and wonder if they too cheat on their wives.  Thankfully, this usually doesn’t last forever either.

Hopeful And Healing: In the early stages of recovery, many wives tell me that they are afraid that they are always going to feel this angry, lost, hopeless and spiteful.  I often tell them that it does get better.  And I don’t say this because I know anything about their situation.  I say it because it is so often true.  The human spirit is a resilient and amazing thing.  You will often move on because of your own sense of self-preservation.  Some women move on with their husband. And others end the marriage.  But most heal and some even become stronger and more resilient as the result.

I know that if you are in the beginning stages of healing, this list may be quite depressing to you.  I won’t lie to you and tell you that is a quick or easy process.  But you do have more control than you might think.  The choices that you make today can have a real impact on the outcome.  And many of the lessons you learn about yourself right now will actually serve you quite well tomorrow.  My recovery was often painful, but frankly, I wouldn’t trade some aspects of it for anything.  If it helps, you can read the specifics on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: One of the most common topics that I’m asked about is sex after infidelity. People often want to know when is the appropriate time to resume your sex life after one spouse cheats. It helps if both people agree to a time frame that feels right. But this doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, one spouse is ready far before the other one. And unfortunately, sometimes the spouse who is ready will try to pressure the reluctant spouse which unleashes a whole new set of problems.

A wife might share: “my husband came to me a couple of weeks ago and told me that he had a short-term sexual affair with an old girlfriend. He assured me that this happened because he was drinking and that he regretted it deeply. He said that our marriage is the most important thing in his life, which is why, although he knew that I would be angry, he told me the truth. I appreciate him being honest, but I’m still beyond furious. I don’t want for this to end my marriage, but I’m not sure if it’s going to be possible to save something that he has jeopardized.  Now, my husband is making sexual advances toward me, but I can’t even think about having sex with him because I can’t get the mental image of him and his ex out of my mind. I am not in any hurry to have sex with him, but he continues to pressure me. And part of me thinks that if I won’t have sex with him, then he will go out and find someone who will. What should I do?” Although I couldn’t answer that question for her, I could offer her some things to consider. I will share those things below.

It Is Your Right To Determine If And When You Want To Have Sex: I completely understood this wife’s reluctance to have sex with her husband. When he has had sex with someone else, then the last thing on your mind is having sex with him. This is perfectly normal and natural. And you have no reason to apologize for this So if you were looking for someone to tell you that you are justified for being reluctant to freely have sex with a cheating husband, I say that you are completely justified. Of course, this is only someone’s opinion. But it is the opinion of someone who has been there.

Why You Should Not Allow Him To Pressure You Into Anything: I am fully aware that many wives in this situation have an almost daily tug of war. On the one hand, the thought of being intimate with him isn’t a welcome one at the time. On the other hand, you begin to worry that if you don’t, someone else will be more than willing to accommodate him or that your marriage will suffer as the result.

But here is the thing. If you allow yourself to be rushed, you are going to feel resentment and that will be more damaging than anything to your marriage. Also, when you are having sex only because you are pressured into it, then you are not likely to have a good experience. And when people have a bad sexual experience after infidelity, then they start to worry that the passion is gone or that the marriage can’t be saved.

You are much better off waiting until you can be sure that the time is right and that you are both enthusiastic about the process. (And believe me when I say that you will both know when the time is really right.) When you allow this to happen naturally, you will often have a good experience. In fact, people often tell me that when they hold off until the time is right, they have mind-blowing sex that is worth waiting for.

How To Handle Your Husband When He Was Unfaithful And Is Pressuring You For Sex: If you’re unsure, it’s very important that you just be honest. Because if you aren’t very direct and honest, then your husband will have no incentive to back off and then you will just have to deal with this for longer than necessary. So you will want to deal with this as soon as possible. The next time he pressures you, then you might want to say something like: “I know what you’re thinking right now. But I have to be honest with you. I’m just not ready for sex right now. I still have a lot to process and we both have a lot of healing to do. I think it would be a mistake to rush into something that doesn’t feel right. If things go wrong, it could damage our marriage any further. I’m not rejecting you. Nor am I saying that I will never want to have sex with you. I am just saying that, right now, the time isn’t right. I would rather wait until I am completely sure so that we have an awesome experience. It would mean a lot to me if you would be patient with me because it would show me that things are not all about sex with you. It would show me that our relationship is deeper than that and that you think that I am worth waiting for.”

When you put it like this, many men will agree to go along with your time frame. Once you had both agreed to this, then it is important to place your focus on healing. Because the truth is, sex can help to rebuild your relationship, but only when it’s right and only when both people are doing it for the right reasons.

I will admit that I held off on sex for quite a while after my husband’s affair.  And, it said a lot about him that he was willing to wait.  This did not go unnoticed by me and I appreciated it.  And once we did resume our sex life, it was more than worth the wait.  If it helps, you can read about how we healed on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives are very sorry to witness their husband’s reaction after he has ended his affair. Often, the wife hopes that he will agree to end the affair because he wants to do so. But this isn’t always what happens. Instead, he sometimes ends the affair because he knows that it is the right thing to do or because his wife asks him to, but his heart isn’t always fully in it. Some husbands have a difficult adjustment period after the affair is over. They will tell you that they didn’t have closure or that they feel a sense of loss. You might notice them moping around the house or being moody or sullen. And many wives aren’t quite sure how to handle this.

She might say: “I caught my husband having an affair and I demanded that he either end it immediately or lose me and the children. He agreed to do this and I thought his agreement meant that we could begin to move forward. But he’s so sullen and sad that he doesn’t seem to be engaged with our family. When I ask him what is wrong, he says that he needs to be honest with me and he tells me that he’s having a hard time dealing with the end of the affair. He says that he feels emotionally torn. How do I help him deal with this? I can tell he’s in pain.”

This is a difficult situation. Because on one hand, this is something your husband is going to need to deal with on his own. But on the other hand, it can feel as if you can’t really move on until he is able to put this behind him. So in the following article, I will try to address these concerns.

As Hard As This Realization May Be, This Really Is His Issue To Solve: I know that this wife wanted to help her husband for many reasons, but frankly, this is his own issue that he himself must work through and solve. And to be honest, if he hadn’t been unfaithful in the first place, then he would not be dealing with this. So any pain or turmoil that he is feeling is the result of his own actions and, as such, it’s his responsibility to fix this. If you were to fix every mess that a loved one involved themselves in, then that same loved one would never learn from their mistakes.

It’s common for people to feel as if they don’t have closure when they are forced to end an affair. However, how much closure can they really expect when this wasn’t an honest relationship to begin with?

Sometimes His Difficulty In Dealing With This Is At Least In Part Meant To Elicit Sympathy: I know that this is going to sound a bit unfeeling of me. But I believe that many husbands posture a little bit in the early stages of recovery. In short, they know that they are the guilty party and they are trying to diminish the fallout. So they try to elicit a little sympathy from their spouse. I’m not saying that they aren’t truly hurting or that they aren’t confused. But, they know that it is in their best interest to make you feel sympathetic toward them. So sometimes all these struggles they are trying to bring forth are all part of a plan to elicit sympathy.

Know That When You Make Progress In Your Recovery, His Behavior Should Improve Dramatically: It is very common for both spouses to struggle immediately after an affair. Emotions are running high and the pain and confusion can be substantial. So it makes sense that you are both going to have difficulty navigating this trying time. Of course, you can stress that you are there for and are committed to your spouse. This can be very reassuring. But as far as being a sounding board about their feelings toward the other person or listening as they share their frustration over a lack of closure, this really isn’t conducive to your healing. However, when you start to heal and emotions aren’t quite as high, you will usually also see his inability to deal with things begin to sort itself. out.

It’s My Opinion That It’s Best To Leave This To A Professional If Necessary: If your husband is seriously struggling, there are qualified counselors who specialize in helping people move on after infidelity. It really is best for him to have a neutral and objective third party. You can’t be objective or neutral because this is your marriage and he is your husband. That’s why it is probably best left to professionals who aren’t as close to this on a personal level.

I hope I don’t seem insensitive. I’m not exactly objective about this as I too was a wife who was cheated on. But it’s my opinion that it’s not the wife’s responsibility to help her husband deal with his feelings toward the other woman or the affair. She can certainly help him to move on with the marriage. She can certainly offer him her love and reassurance. But she is not a professional counselor and she is not neutral. So this is something that he should deal with on his own, or if he’s still struggling alone, with a trained professional.

I didn’t have a lot of sympathy for my husband’s struggles after his affair.  Because I felt that he brought this on himself.  But, once healing began, I started to feel more empathy and he began to successfully deal with his poor decisions.  Both of these things made a lot of difference and we eventually saved our marriage.  Today, we are very solid and I am confident that we will stay together and continue to put this behind us.  If it helps, you can read our story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives are very disappointed in their own reaction or coping abilities after their husband’s affair.  Many believe that they aren’t handling it as well as they should be or that they are overreacting or just not healing quickly enough.  Someone might describe it this way: “I feel like I’ve turned into an entirely different person after my husband’s affair.  I used to be strong and confident.  I used to be very assertive and sure of myself.  I used to like the way that I looked and the way that my husband looked at me.  But ever since I found out that he cheated with someone else, all of my self-confidence has completely evaporated.  I cry all the time.  When I look in the mirror, I sometimes have to literally look away because I am seeing someone completely different.  I see a woman with haunted eyes.   I feel like I’m not the same person.  I find myself crying all of the time.  This just isn’t like me and I’m so disappointed in myself.  I never thought I would react this way.  I thought I would kick my husband out with defiance, but now I found myself wondering if he’s still attracted to me or if there is something wrong with me.  How do I make myself stronger?  Because I don’t like this weak, overly emotional person that I have become.”

Any wife who has dealt with infidelity can identify with this.  You feel as if your very essence has been stolen from you.  And you feel as if what you thought was true about yourself is now always in question.  It’s as if reality has completely shifted and you can begin to wonder if things will ever return to normal again.  I can tell you from experience that much of the time, life does eventually return to a new normal.  And I can tell you that you shouldn’t beat yourself up over this.  None of this is your fault.  And you are the same capable person that you always were.  You will just need to have a little more patience with yourself in the days to come.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

Understand That What You Are Feeling And Experiencing Is Absolutely Normal:  Many women in this situation will think that they are falling short.  They will think that they aren’t handling things as well as some women might.  They’ll worry that they lack strength and conviction.  I used to think that I was quite spineless.  But what I didn’t realize was that my reactions were completely normal.  When your husband cheats, your whole world changes in an instant.  It’s completely understandable that you would struggle as the result.  This doesn’t mean that you won’t eventually get your bearings.  It just means that the early days and weeks of this process can be rough.  Your response to these rough days doesn’t mean that you are not a tough or capable person.  It just means you have a heavy load to bear right now.

It can be counterproductive to compare yourself to others or to tell yourself that you’re not coping well enough.  You’re not going to get a letter grade for this test.  There is no right or wrong answer.  Everyone responds in their own way.  Give yourself a break and be very gentle with yourself.  And give yourself permission to do or experience whatever gives you some relief or makes you feel better.  Again, there’s no right or wrong way to do this.  It’s what’s right for you.

Know That The Only Person Whose Opinion That Matters Is Your Own:  Many wives in this situation feel as if everyone knows about their husband’s infidelity and pities them as a result.  This you can make you feel as if you are less than someone else or that you are not good enough.  Here’s the thing with this line of thinking.  It is no one else’s business.  No one can accurately say what they would do or how they would feel in this situation unless they have been there.  And, even then, we are all individuals.  So, don’t worry about the perceptions of others.  Worry only about your own perceptions.  Worry only about giving yourself what you need to heal, including your own permission to take each moment as it comes.

Look For Small Ways To Make Big Statements: Even when your world is shaken to its core, you still need to place one foot in front of the other, just like every other day.  So look for small ways to confirm that you are still doing fine.   Make eye contact with yourself in the mirror, even if you have to force it.  Look at your husband directly when you discuss this.  Be assertive about what you need from him in order to heal.  Make absolutely no apologies for doing exactly what is necessary in order for you to move forward.  There are days when this process might feel incredibly self-centered.  That is perfectly OK.  The truth is that the only one who can ensure that you have what you need to be as strong as you can be is yourself.  Your husband can’t read your mind.  Your best friend can’t give you what you need.  All of this lies with you.  And you can do this.  None of this is your fault.  You did nothing wrong.  But you alone can be your best advocate and can be the person who ensures you get what you need most.

I will admit that I turned into someone else after my husband’s affair.  I didn’t even recognize the woman in the mirror at first. And, if I’m being honest, there were some things I didn’t much like about her.  So I decided to be honest with myself and change those things that bothered me while embracing those things that I did like. And you know what? This process made me a better, more confident person.  It wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are not only devastated by their husband’s affair, but that are exasperated that he’s not telling them the whole truth even when he has promised to do so.  Trust is so important in the aftermath of infidelity, but it is very difficult to restore this trust when the cheating spouse continues to lie.

A wife might explain: “when my husband admitted that he had been cheating, I made it very clear that I would accept nothing less than the complete truth from him from that day forward, especially where the affair was concerned. I told him that I wanted to know everything, with nothing left out.  He committed to doing this.  He promised me that he would not lie to me again.  A couple of days ago, I asked him if he ever took the other woman to dinner or to hotels.  He denied this.  But then I pulled one of our credit card bills and it was obvious that he had lied because there were multiple charges for dinners I didn’t attend and for a few hotels at which I never stayed.  When I confronted my husband about this, he said that he didn’t want to hurt me.  That just doesn’t cut it because it’s obvious he’s continuing to lie.  What can or should I do now?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Why A Husband Will Continue To Lie When He’s Promised The Truth: There are several reasons that you might be seeing dishonesty right now.  The first possibility is that the husband was telling the truth about not wanting to hurt his wife.  It was possible that he knew that the hotel visits were going to give the wife horrible mental pictures that would be nearly impossible to overcome.  And he was trying to spare her these sorts of painful images.  This doesn’t excuse him in the least, but I am trying to give you an idea of why you might be seeing this dishonesty.

Another possibility is that he is trying to minimize the fallout from this. He theorizes that the more you know, the harder it is going to be for him to ever regain your trust.  So his concern is more for his own cause than it is for you.  But he knows that it’s going to be more difficult for you and for the marriage to ever recover if you have all of the painful and damaging details. So he’s going to withhold those details unless he’s forced to abandon this strategy.

I’ll mention one final possibility, although I hesitate to do so.  Sometimes men continue on with the lies because they are continuing on with the affair.  However, this wife did not think that this was the case as her husband was almost always home with her when he wasn’t working.

How Do You Make Your Husband Understand That You Can’t And Won’t Deal With His Lies?:  Often, you will need to be very direct.  When you suspect a lie (and especially if you can prove it,) speak up.  And when he says that he doesn’t want to hurt you, reply that you are already hurt and to continue to be lied to only diminishes your trust and further damages your marriage.  I’d suggest something like:  “we both know that this is not true and I have proof of this.  You should know that if you continue to lie, then I can’t move forward with you.  I need to be able to trust you completely and that just isn’t possible right now as you continue to be a stranger to the truth.  I know that you don’t want to hurt me.  But it’s too late for that.  In order for me to even begin to heal, I need to have confidence that I can believe what you say.  And each time you continue to lie to me, this becomes less and less likely. Can I count on you to tell me the truth from this moment forward, no matter how difficult that truth might be?  I would rather be hurt by the truth than to erode the trust with the continued lies. Ignorance is not bliss at this point.”

Sorting The Truth From The Lies:  I know that I’ve spent the majority of this article focusing on the husband’s lies. Now, I’d like to focus on the wife.  There’s a real risk in becoming so suspicious that no matter what your husband says or does, you automatically have doubt.  Obviously, the hotel and the restaurant bills proved that this wife was right to have her suspicions.  But sometimes, you get to the point where you automatically doubt everything that he says.  I tell you this because I want you to just be aware and observe. I hear from so many husbands who tell me that no matter what they say or do, their wife suspects them of lying.  So they get to a point where they feel like they can never win no matter what they say.

I’d suggest that once your husband begins to get back into the habit of telling you the truth, acknowledge this.  And if he’s not giving you valid reasons to doubt him, then try to give him the benefit of the doubt.  So to answer the question posed, there’s plenty that you can do when he continues to lie. It helps to pinpoint why he is doing it and then to address this very directly while making it clear that you can’t and won’t move forward until it stops.

My husband was very reluctant to tell me everything after his affair.  I had to make it very clear that omissions or little white lies were only going to make things worse for him. Despite this, we were able to move forward and save our marriage.  We are actually very solid today.  If it helps, you can read our recovery story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: The aftermath of the affair is hard enough when the other person bows out gracefully and fully accepts that the affair is over. Unfortunately, this isn’t always what happens.  Sometimes, not only does the other person not accept that it’s over, they want to hurt the unfaithful person or their spouse in order to get some revenge.

A husband might say: “I made the huge mistake of cheating with a coworker.  The sad thing is, I knew that this woman was slightly eccentric when I started the relationship.  That was part of the appeal.  She seemed very possessive of me and I kind of liked that at the time.  But eventually, I decided that risking my marriage wasn’t worth it so I tried to cut it off.  Not only did the other woman not take it well, she’s now started texting my wife.  She texts photos of us.  She asks my wife is she wants to compare notes.  She tells my wife things that I’ve supposedly said that aren’t even true. And every time she texts, my wife gets furious at me and this makes things worse in our marriage. I’m afraid that one day my wife is going to agree to a meeting with this woman and she’s going to proceed to tell my wife things that are going to hurt her very much.  What can I do about this?”

 Why This Situation Is Very Damaging On Many Levels: As a wife who has been cheated on myself, I have to admit that part of me felt like the husband was afraid of the wife hearing from the other woman because he had things that he wanted to hide.  Still, hearing from the other woman does the wife no good in terms of healing.  Because the other woman doesn’t care about the wife or her progress.  She is often only looking for revenge.  She only wants to make herself feel better.  So she will say hurtful things in order to induce the maximum amount of pain.  And it’s possible that she will stretch the truth and even lie if it means that she will hurt the wife or damage the marriage.

So I believe that it’s in the best interest of everyone for the texts to stop immediately. The husband and his wife had both demanded that the texts stop, but this hadn’t done any good at all.  So the next stop for me would be to arrange for my cell phone carrier to block the texts from her number.  You may have to add numbers as she tries calling or texting from different phones once it becomes obvious what you are doing.  But, it only should take one time before she can’t text from that number again.

The husband was afraid that when the texts were blocked, she was going to confront him at work. Admittedly, having to see her every day could be a problem.  Asking for a transfer in order to avoid contact with her is one possibility.  And, the husband needed to address his fear that by talking to the other woman, the wife was going to find out more about the truth.  Frankly, it is always best for your spouse to hear the truth from you, no matter how painful, then to have to hear it from the other person.  So if there was something that he still needed to say or disclose about the affair or the other woman, then I suggested he do so right away.

Successfully Rebuilding Your Marriage Can Diminish The Damage Of This: I’d like to make one final point. The more successful you are in rebuilding your marriage and in restoring the trust, the less likely it is that your spouse will have any interest in listening to what the other person has to say.  If your spouse is most invested in you and in repairing your relationship, then they will be more willing to reject any contact or information from a third party.

Unfortunately, the husband had allowed this woman into their lives.  It was his responsibility to make it clear that all contact must stop.  OF course, there are restraining orders and law enforcement remedies, but sometimes making it clear that all contact is off limits (and no longer easy) will be enough to deter her from continuing on with this behavior.  Just like you, she needs to move on.  Her lashing out is an indication that she is in turmoil and she’s trying to project her pain or frustration onto someone else. It’s not healthy for her to continue on with something that is over.  So hopefully, making your stance clear will help her to begin to move forward as well.  Unfortunately, you will often have to be very direct in order to make yourself very clear.  You don’t want to give her any room to misunderstand you or to get her hopes up. But it’s important to remember that everyone is hurting here, so being calm but matter-of-fact is the best approach.

I recommend dealing with this as soon as possible because your primary concern should be you, your spouse, and your marriage. The sooner that you can get the other person to move on with their own lives, the better it is for everyone.  And it’s very hard to begin the healing when the other person is still in the picture.  I know that things may seem very difficult right now, but with time, things often get better.  If you had told me years ago that my marriage would actually be better today than before the affair,  I would not have believed this.  But that has been the case.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Some people are very disappointed to discover that, despite their spouse’s claims to the contrary, they are just not seeing a lot of commitment after the infidelity.  Sometimes, the cheating spouse will promise that they will move heaven and earth to help save the marriage if only they are given the chance to do so.  But when the faithful spouse has a little faith and offers up that chance, a lack of commitment is sometimes the result.

Someone might explain: “after I caught my husband having an affair, he panicked.  He made me all sorts of promises.  He said that if I would just give him one more chance, he would be the best husband that I could possibly imagine.  He said that not only would he go to counseling, he would do all the work to find us the best counselor.  He said that he would make our marriage and our family his highest priority.  He said he would prove himself to be trustworthy and loving. Well, it has been six weeks since I found out about the affair, and we have not been to counseling once.  He never found a counselor.  And he comes home late all of the time.  When I ask him where he has been, he doesn’t give me a direct answer and he seems annoyed that I’m suspicious.  He hasn’t been to our children’s events with me in several weeks.  In short, the kids and I pretty much exist on our own. He rarely joins us. He isn’t particularly affectionate to me.  He acts as if he doesn’t care if I’m angry or not.  I sense a real lack of commitment from him.  Why is he acting this way? And what can I do? Because despite this, I still want to save my marriage.”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

He Might Be Showing A Lack Of Commitment To See if You Will Accept Less From Him:  It’s not unusual for the cheating spouse to try to feel the other spouse out in order to see what is going to be acceptable behavior.  As soon as the affair is found out, often panic ensues.  It’s typically then that he will say or do anything to get you to give him one more chance.  But when his words or actions have the desired effect and you suddenly agree to giving him that chance, he will sometimes back off on his claims.

I know that it is frustrating and unfair, but very few men are going to be terribly excited about going to counseling or feeling as if their wife has them on a short leash.  They’ll tell you that they don’t want to feel as if their wife is their mother or that they have to get permission from her for even very basic things. In short, they don’t like having to check in.  They don’t like feeling like a criminal who needs monitoring in their own home.  I’m not defending them by any means.  But I am sharing with you what I hear from them in this situation.

Often, the idea of having to go through all of the rehabilitation and sharing their feelings just sounds very unpleasant.  They worry that they are handing over their manhood because you are going to be watching their every move.  They feel as if they will constantly have to ask your permission for even very innocent things.  And they worry that they will forever be the “bad guy” in your marriage. So sometimes, they will try to see if they can get away with not making good on all of their claims.  At the very least, they figure that it is worth a try to see just what you will allow, which is why it is so important to stand your ground if you find this upsetting or unacceptable.

How To Respond When You Aren’t Seeing The Commitment That You Want After The Affair:  You have a couple of choices, depending upon how much this bothers you.  First, you can just observe for a while and see if he will abandon this tactic when it becomes clear that it’s not going to work.  Or, you can attempt to speed this process up by directly addressing it.  If that is what you decide to do, the next time that you are bothered by this lack of commitment you might consider saying something like: “after I found out about the affair, you promised me that you would go to counseling, be accountable, and be present in our marriage.  And, as of right now, we don’t even have a counselor and you are late again. This is in direct contrast to the promises that you made to me.  I have to tell you that the lack of commitment that I am seeing from you makes me have doubts.   I need to see that you mean what you say and that you care enough to do exactly what you have promised.  Please tell me where I’m wrong but so far, I’m not seeing the commitment that you promised.  Is there a reason for this?  Have you changed your mind?  I need for you to be honest with me because this isn’t fair to either of us.”

This conversation will hopefully prompt the husband to either start showing some commitment or to be honest with his wife about why he has been holding back. Sometimes, it is just posturing.  And sometimes, he still hasn’t sorted out how he feels or how he wants to proceed.  Either way, he should follow through with his claims if he expects his wife to believe what he is saying and if he truly wants to save his marriage.

Sometimes, a husband just needs some time to settle down and get to work and other times, he is posturing.  I had to lay down the ground rules in my own situation in order to get my husband to understand what I expected from him.  This was frustrating, but once I was clear, things improved and eventually we did save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read our story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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