Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many people worry that all of the lies about the affair are going to mean that their marriage can’t be saved.  Sometimes, the person who had the affair has started to tell the truth, but other times, they are still lying.  And this can leave the faithful spouse wondering if their marriage even stands a chance.

A wife might explain: “my husband denied that he was cheating for six months before I caught him.  He told me that I was being paranoid and he would get so mad at me when I would continue to bring up my suspicions when he very forcefully told me that he was not cheating.  I just could not shake the feeling that not only lying to me, but he was cheating too.  So I kept a close watch on him and eventually, I caught him cheating so that he could not deny it any longer.  Now, even as we are trying to save our marriage, I will still catch him in lies sometimes.  And when I do, he will tell me that he’s just trying not to hurt me or that he doesn’t feel like I need to know each painful detail.  Despite all of this, I want to save my marriage more than anything, but I’m worried that his lying means that this just isn’t going to be possible.  Are my doubts justified?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

You Are Right To Be Concerned About The Lies:  This wife was absolutely right to be concerned about her husband’s lies (and the fact that he was continuing to lie.)  It’s common for people to lie about cheating because they do not want to be caught or because they do not want to hurt their spouse.  But once the affair is out in the open, the lying should stop.  The key word in that last sentence is “should.”  The lying should stop, but it doesn’t always stop for a variety of reasons.

Spouses will sometimes continue to lie because they still want to spare their spouse’s pain.  Sometimes the cheating spouse figures that the more information that the faithful spouse obtains, the more painful this entire process is going to be.  Other times, they are trying to spare themselves some blame.  They know that their behavior was deplorable.  But to the extend that they can, they want to keep just how deplorable their actions were to themselves.  And sometimes, they have just gotten into the habit of lying and find it hard to start telling the whole truth all of the time.

As you can see, often your unfaithful spouse will believe that they have a vested interest in continuing to lie (or to at least omit some of the truth.) That’s why it’s important for you to make it clear how vital it is that they stop lying, which I’ll discuss right now.

Making It Clear That The Lies Must Stop:  There are various ways that you can try to make it very clear that continued lies aren’t acceptable.  The first way to is to have a frank discussion about this topic. So, the next time your husband attempts to slide a lie your way, you might say something like: “we both know that you are not telling me the truth right now.  And the lies must stop.  You are telling me that you want to save our marriage, but your lies contradict your claims.  I realize that some of this may be due to the fact that you don’t want to hurt me.  But in order to heal and to begin to restore the trust, I have to know that I can believe what you say.  And you need to know that I’m not going to just accept what you tell me if I feel that I cannot trust you. That’s why I need for you to tell me the complete truth from this minute forward.  The lies infuriate me and erode our trust more than the truth ever could.  So will you commit to telling me the truth.”

Typically, after you make a speech like this, you are going to need to follow through.  So, if there is something that doesn’t sound right, question him again or follow up.  With that said, once you notice that he’s giving you no reason to distrust him, then you will need to eventually show some good faith that you are trying to do just that.

How Marriages Are Saved After The Lies That Follow The Affair:  I have seen many marriages be saved after the lies that follow infidelity.  But in almost every case, the unfaithful spouse eventually begins to tell the truth and they never stop.  Now admittedly, your marriage can be saved or can work with lies if you turn a blind eye to them.  That’s not what I am talking about here.  I’m talking about returning to a healthy marriage that is filled with trust because both parties know that they can trust the other to tell the complete truth at all time.  When lies have come before this, then this is not always a quick or easy process.  It takes work. And restoring the trust can be a very gradual process.

The person who has lied must know that it is their responsibility to give their spouse no reason to distrust them in the future.  They must always tell the truth even why lying might be easier.  And the person who has been lied to has to commit to eventually letting go once your spouse has proven themselves to be trustworthy.  As you might gather, this process can take time and it’s not always smooth sailing.  But to answer the question posed, yes, I do believe that the marriage can be saved when one spouse has lied about the affair.  But this can often only happen after that same spouse decides to start telling the truth once and for all.  And both parties must commit to doing whatever it takes to rehabilitate and save the marriage, even when it is not always easy.

I had to make it very clear early on that I would not, under any circumstances, tolerate any more lies.  And, after my husband gave me no reason to continue to distrust him, I had to take a leap of faith.  It wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it.  If it helps, you can read our story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Some wives are dealing with a double blow.  Not only have they just found out that their husband has been cheating, they have found out that their husband has been cheating or having an affair with one of their friends.  This can feel like a multiplied betrayal because two people that you cared about went behind your back in this way.  It’s very common for wives to say that they imagine the two of them laughing at her or pitying her behind her back.  Because this is so hurtful, many wives are baffled as to why their husband would choose one of their girlfriends with whom to cheat.

I heard from a wife who said: “out of all the women in our town, why in the world did my husband have to pick one of my friends to have an affair with?  It’s as if he picked the woman that I would have least wanted this to be.  One of my friends is so pretty, bubbly, and magnifying.  My husband knows that I feel insecure next to this woman.  He knows that although my friend and I are really close, I’m somewhat jealous of her.  In short, this is the worst woman he could have possibly picked, in terms of how much it would hurt me.   I just don’t get it because now he’s saying that the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt me.  But I can’t believe this.  Because by choosing her, he’s assured that I will be hurt at maximum capacity.  Why do men choose to cheat with their wife’s friends?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Often, There’s No Real Scheming Involved. Although They’ll Tell You It “Just Happened,” It’s Often A Matter Of Proximity:   Husbands will often claim that they never intended to cheat with one of their wife’s friends.  And sometimes, this is true.  Often, the husband has spent a lot of time with the friend and is therefore comfortable with her.  As a result, things don’t feel all that inappropriate when they begin to joke around or to begin to develop a close friendship.   And this friendship is usually possible because of their proximity to one another. In other words, this is not a person that your husband would rarely see.  This isn’t a random or chance encounter with a stranger.  This is probably someone who he considers a friend because you consider her a friend.  And then things get out of hand or become inappropriate.  Believe me when I say that I’m not trying to make excuses for the husband or the friend.  There is no excuse as far as I’m concerned.  But I am trying to put this into context for you.

Sometimes, The “Friend” Will Go After The Husband Due To Cattiness Or Evil Games:  It’s not at all unheard of for a so-called friend to go after another woman’s husband.  Some women are just very competitive with other women.  They don’t feel complete until they think that they are the prettiest, the most alluring and the most powerful woman in their group of friends. And, sometimes, when a woman like this sees another woman’s husband, she zeroes on him as something she must conquer in order to feel superior to her friend. Is this evil, immature, and psychologically unhealthy?  Absolutely.  But unfortunately, it does sometimes happen with some particularly catty women.  Does this excuse the husband for his part in this? Absolutely not. He could have said no.  But knowing that he wasn’t the aggressor can put this into perspective also.

Some Men Do Try To Hurt Their Wives By Cheating With Her Friends:  I can’t tell you that men never cheat with their wife’s friends as a way to get back at her or as a way to hurt her.  This happens sometimes.  But usually, you will know that this was his intention all along because he will literally want to get caught.  This wasn’t the case here.  Also, when you catch or confront him, he will almost relish the whole situation.  Not only that, but your marriage will usually be quite volatile in the days, months, or weeks leading up to the cheating so that the husband seeks out a way to really hurt you or to have an impact. He’s often trying to prove to you that if you don’t appreciate or see the value in him, then someone whose opinion you seem to value feels differently.  Again, that wasn’t the case here.  But I brought up this possibility to let you know that some husbands specifically chose the other woman because he knows that is who is going to hurt you the most.

In short, there are various reasons a man will choose to cheat with one of his wife’s friends. Convenience, familiarity, and psychological games are just some of the reasons.  I list these reasons to give you some insight, but I don’t think that any of them are valid ones for cheating.  With that said, I do know of couples who have been able to save their marriages in this situation.  It often takes a great deal of hard work and patience.  And it often requires that the so-called friend is permanently out of the picture.

Thankfully, my husband did not participate in this type of cheating, but it hurt me and damaged our marriage just the same. And our recovery was sometimes difficult and hard fought, but we made it and our marriage is quite good now. If it helps, you can read our story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many women are frustrated and angry by the reasons that their husband is giving to justify his cheating or affair.  Sometimes, men will try to make it seem as if the other woman had something special to entice them into cheating.  And other times, the husband will try to blame his wife in order to justify his own actions.

A wife could explain: “for the past several weeks, I’ve been trying to get my husband to be honest with me about why he cheated and had an affair.  At first, he would say that he didn’t know or that he just did something impulsive and stupid.  But, last night, he blurted out that he cheated on me because of my negative attitude.  He said that I never allow him to have a moment’s peace because I am always nagging him or worrying about little things that wouldn’t bother most people.  He said that the other woman is a positive person who always made him feel good about himself whereas I always make him feel uneasy and bad about himself.  He said that the other woman and the affair was actually an escape for him.  I don’t know what to do with this information.  I admit that I’m a realist and not some pollyanna that sees the world with rose colored glasses but I’m not constantly negative either.  I wonder if my husband really means what he says or if he’s just looking for an excuse because he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions.  I’ll tell you my take on this in the following article.

 Men Often Stretch The Truth To Justify Their Cheating – Even To Themselves:  I believe that almost everyone who cheats stretches reality in some form or another.  After all, if they looked at things perfectly clear, then not everyone could go through with the cheating.  Because your thought process would go something like this: “I’m at a vulnerable point in my life and I’m feeling some stress and restlessness.  And now, I’m going to lie, cheat, and deceive the person that I have promised to love for someone who I don’t really know that well.  I’m going to create a huge mess because of my poor impulse control and inability to make a sound decision.”

See what I mean?  Very few people have this type of personal insight or self-reflection.  So instead, they will look for ways to justify what they are doing.  And sometimes, it is easier to blame someone else than to blame yourself.  And, it’s also easier to continue to deceive your spouse when you can pinpoint or focus on their faults, even when your deception is probably the biggest fault at play.

 If You Feel That You Need To, There’s No Harm In Some Self Examination, But Don’t Blame Yourself:  I truly believe that it is possible for at least some good to come out of the aftermath of cheating or having an affair.  I actually took a hard look at myself afterward and found some places where I had been selling myself short.  As a result, I went back to school and became much more career oriented and I built up my confidence.  And this turned out to be for my benefit.  But I did this for myself, not for my husband.

If you feel that there is any truth in your husband’s words, then there is nothing wrong with using them to improve yourself.  That is taking a negative and turning it into something positive and that’s a smart thing to do.  But don’t allow his words to make you feel bad about yourself or to make you feel guilty.  You have to take what he is saying with a grain of salt while being objective enough to look out for your own self-improvement.

Even If He’s Remotely Right, Nothing Justifies Cheating:  As I’ve alluded to before, I think that a cheating person will stretch the truth for their own gain.  So I always am reluctant to assume the truth in their statements.  But for the sake of argument, let’s say that this husband was right and the wife tended to be a little negative.  Even if this were 100 percent true, this doesn’t give him a valid reason to cheat on his wife.

The right and honorable thing to do would be to approach the wife before anything happened in the marriage and worked with her to make a more positive environment for everyone.  He’s not off the hook for cheating just because his wife wasn’t perfect.  No spouse is perfect.  No marriage is perfect.  But that doesn’t give anyone the right to cheat.

 A Possible Script:  The wife wasn’t sure how to respond to her husband’s assertions.  I suggested a script of something like: “well that’s very interesting.  When I calm down some, I’ll have to take some time to think about my own behavior and make any appropriate changes.  But in the meantime, my behaviors don’t give you the right to cheat on me.  You could have come to me and talked to me about this instead of betraying me.  I am listening to what you are saying.  But I want you to know that I don’t consider this as justification for your cheating and I won’t take responsibility for your decision. And we can’t begin to fully heal until you take that responsibility.”

Try to remain calm when you have this talk.  This doesn’t need to escalate into a huge fight.  But you have set the tone and let him know that trying to criticize or blame you isn’t going to work so he may as well begin to take responsibility for his own actions.

I couldn’t begin my healing until my husband was willing to take full responsibility for his actions.  I wasn’t willing to work with someone who put any of the blame on me.  But once we got this out of the way, we were able to begin the process of salvaging our marriage after the affair.  If it helps, you can read about that entire process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives are annoyed and troubled that the other woman is still trying to keep in contact with the husband. One common way that she will attempt to do this is through texting. That way, she doesn’t have to actually talk to him and risk rejection, but she is still inserting herself into the situation in case he changes his mind.

One of these frustrated wives might say: “the woman that my husband had an affair with is apparently having a hard time accepting that it’s over. She texts him constantly. I do not think he’s encouraging her or going behind my back because, half of the time, the texts come through when he is standing right beside me and he doesn’t try to hide it. Sometimes he answers her that he’s busy and other times he ignores her. She texts stupid things like she asks what he is doing or if she is happy. How do I make this stop? I want her out of my life. Sometimes, I am tempted to grab his phone and call her back and scream at her. But then I wonder if that’s the best idea.”

I had to agree that it probably wasn’t the best idea to confront or even talk to her. It wasn’t likely that confronting her was going to suddenly convince her to stop. In fact, sometimes it only makes her more determined to make a pest out of herself. In fact, I find that the more that you engage with her, the harder time you will have to get her to leave you alone. Because once you engage, then she will feel as if she’s responding back to you and now has a valid reason to continue on with the cycle.

Also, you may just want to make sure with your husband that he has been as clear as he can possibly be and that he has left no room whatsoever for her to misunderstand him. Some people have a hard time being very direct and even harsh after they have ended an affair. Unfortunately, sometimes this is what is required before she takes a hint. If being very firm doesn’t work, then I think there’s a way to handle this which takes a response out of her hands, which I’ll discuss more below.

Block Her From Calling Or Texting: I think the best first course of action is to get in touch with your cell phone carrier and block her numbers. All carriers are different, but much of the time, this is a simple process. In fact, I am able to easily enter the number I want to block online with my own carrier. A quick trip online or a quick phone call will often tell you what you need to do in order to block her from being able to call or text. You’ll probably want to block her cell phone, her work phone, and her home phone just to keep her from having an easy or convenient way to get in contact with him.

The Next Step Only If It’s Required: Sometimes, the other woman doesn’t give up this easily. I’ve heard of the other woman buying a new cell phone, using a friend’s phone, or even using a pay phone to continue to call after you have blocked her. You have a couple of choices.  You can just continue to block every number that she uses and hope that she gets tired of switching phones all the time.  Or, the husband could consider changing his cell phone number. I know that this is a huge inconvenience that many people will be reluctant to pursue. But, sometimes this is another alternative rather than getting a restraining order or continuing to be in contact with her (although restraining orders are there if you need them.) I find that the nastier things get, the more she tends to hang on because the more she had invested.  The quicker you can stop the process, the more likely it is that she will stop. Changing his cell number often means that she has no way to continue to text him. And texting him is often the easiest way that she has to hang on. He may also want to block her from email and from social networking accounts. You don’t want to give her any way to continue to keep tabs on or to contact him.

Often, she will not like being cut out of his life this way, but you really haven’t given her any say. And hopefully, using technology to block her will show her that your husband means what he says when he tells her that it’s over. And therefore, she should begin to move on with her own life so that you and your husband can do the same.

I know that this is very frustrating, but try to handle this quickly and efficiently with as little emotional turmoil as possible. To be quite honest about it, she probably wants to make you frustrated and angry.  Don’t give her that satisfaction by engaging with her.  You have far better things to worry about like your own healing and your marriage.  Usually, once you begin the healing process, you start to worry about her less and less.  If it helps, you can read about the progression of my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives can’t stop very hurtful and repetitive thoughts about the woman with whom their husband has been cheating or having an affair. Common comments are things like this from a wife: “my husband and I are trying to repair our marriage and I am committed to that process. But the major problem for us right now is the fact that I am constantly thinking about the other woman. I know a little bit about her because she works with my husband. I know that she is younger and doesn’t have children. I know that she’s very slim and has a very good job. And these things just feed my insecurities. I can’t stop thinking about how she seems to be better than me in multiple ways. My thoughts just seem to run away from me and then this makes me angry at my husband all over again and sabotages my marriage. I truly want to stop having these thoughts about her, but I just can’t seem to do so. How can I get her out of my mind?”

These types of thoughts are one of the biggest concerns after infidelity. This wife was certainly not alone. The vast majority of wives who deal with infidelity struggle with this issue. In the following article, I’ll offer some suggestions that might help you to deal with (and hopefully to lessen) these invasive thoughts.

Accept That People Are Not Always What They Appear To Be: Almost without fail, the wives in this situation tend to overestimate the attributes and worth of the other woman while they tend to underestimate the same attributes and worth within themselves.

Beautiful, accomplished, brilliant and perceptive women will fear that they pale in comparison to the other woman. They will think that she is smarter, prettier, and perhaps more skilled sexually. This is so very common, but it often isn’t all that accurate. People are always different than they appear. And frankly, your insecurities will often build her up to a level that she does not deserve. The truth is, you just don’t know. You can only speculate. But her youth or her job or her looks really don’t tell you anything about who she truly is. It will help you if you can accept that looks can be deceiving and that, at the end of the day, who she is or what she has shouldn’t matter to you because you are banishing her from your life.

Try To Redirect The Thoughts And Do Something Productive When They Invade Your Thoughts: I know from experience that when these thoughts come, it’s very tempting to just sort of wallow in them. You could be having a perfectly productive day and you could be making progress with your husband but then suddenly thoughts of her will come into your mind and suddenly the day is ruined because you can think of nothing else. That’s why it’s vital that you learn how to stop this cycle.

For me, I used to force myself to do something productive or nice for myself when the thoughts invaded. I would journal. I would list all of the things that were positive about me. Or I would take a walk, or tell myself that thoughts are not the same as reality, or I would flat out ask my husband to tell me the things he found attractive about me to build my self-esteem.

In short, you need to learn to do anything that you can to both redirect your thoughts and then to build up your self-esteem instead of allowing it to be damaged. This takes practice quite honestly. Some days, you will literally have to force yourself to redirect. But this is so much better than allowing yourself to be damaged and discouraged every time a thought beyond your control pops into your head.

Accept That Things Will Get Better As Healing Progresses: Many wives, unfortunately, have these thoughts and then begin to believe things like “this is never going to change. I am going to have to deal with this woman for the rest of my life. I have nothing to look forward to and I’ll never get any better because of these thoughts.” This type of thinking is normal, but it often isn’t true. When you begin to heal, thoughts like this will begin to occur less and less, until eventually, they begin to stop altogether. I can honestly tell you that it’s very rare for me to think about the other woman now. She isn’t even on my radar anymore. And once you heal, you will likely feel the same way.

But until then, it’s important that you learn to pause, redirect, and then build yourself up because you have done nothing wrong and you don’t deserve the daily onslaught of the thoughts that are damaging and hurtful to you.

I truly do understand where you are.  And I know that this is hard.  But I promise that it gets better with time and with healing.  Always ask yourself what you need to move forward and then make no excuses for doing whatever is necessary to obtain what you need.  Your healing matters as much as anything else right now.  It can feel selfish to place your own needs first, but you deserve to be your own best advocate.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many people are desperately trying to reach out to their spouse after they’ve been caught having an affair, but they aren’t having any success at all with this.   Sometimes the faithful spouse not only won’t talk, but they refuse to listen also. It can feel as if you’re running into a brick wall at every turn.  And this is frustrating even when you realize that this is all your fault.  Because often, it’s your hope that you could make some headway if you could just talk to your spouse.  But of course, you can’t talk to them without their permission or cooperation.

A wife might say: “I made the awful mistake of having an affair.  Once I realized how wrong I was, I told my husband about the affair because I realized that my marriage was the most important thing to me and I wanted to right this wrong.  However, as soon as the words were out of my mouth, my husband slammed the door in my face and refused to come out of our bedroom.  That was four days ago and he still hasn’t said one word to me.  When I try to talk to him, he just walks away.  Yesterday, he left his computer monitor on and I saw that he was looking at flights to his hometown.  How am I supposed to make this right if he won’t even speak to me or allow me to speak to him?”

This is a difficult situation. The wife understood that she was at fault here and that she deserved her husband’s anger.  However, she was also desperate to save her marriage and she felt that if her husband would just hear her out, she could make some headway and make him begin to understand what had really happened.  It was also very important for her to understand that it was her husband’s right to set the pace.  People often will calm down and be willing to listen in time, but you should not pressure them to rush this process.  In my own marriage, I was the faithful spouse.  And the more my husband pressured me or became impatient with my slow pace, the more I wanted to withdraw into myself and the less I wanted to listen to anything that he had to say.  So, in the following article, I’ll offer some suggestions as to how you can approach this situation while still respecting your spouse’s need to set their own pace.

Consider Putting Your Feelings Into Writing So That Your Spouse Can Receive Them At Their Own Pace:  Once your spouse has made it clear that they don’t want to talk to you, pressuring them often will just make things worse and this could possibly make them feel as if you aren’t respecting their wishes or that your own agenda is more important to you than their well being.  This should be the last thing that you want.  Because in order to have a chance of your spouse interacting with you again, they need to believe that you are more concerned about them then you are about yourself.

So, one alternative would be to put whatever you are trying to say into writing.  That way, your spouse can read what you have to say when they are ready and you are not continuously pressuring them.  You can write a letter, an email, or a lengthy text.  Choose the method that you believe is the most likely to be well received.  Also, understand that after you give your spouse this written communication, give them time.  You have to respect that they are going to receive this in their own time.  Once you’ve done your best to put your genuine and heartfelt feelings in writing, you have done your job and you have to leave the rest up to them.

Understand That If You Make It Clear That You’re No Longer Going To Hound Your Spouse, This Might Make Them More Receptive To You:  Often, when you make a habit of pressuring your spouse, they make a habit of tuning you out.  You’ll often need to do something to break this cycle.  I believe that it’s to your advantage to make it clear to your spouse that you’re not going to continue to pursue them until they are more receptive to you.  This will usually help them to bring down their defenses because they will know that they no longer need to be defensive since you’ve committed to back off.

A suggested script might be something like: “I can see that my trying to speak with you is upsetting and that you’re not ready to have this discussion.  I understand.  I know that this is all my fault and I take full responsibility for it.  When you’re ready, I’d like to offer you some reassurance that none of this is your fault. And I’d like to tell you how much I love you and am still committed to you.  I’ve written you a letter and I’ve left it on your dresser.  When you’re ready to read it, it’s there for you.  But until then, I will let you set the pace.  I want to do whatever feels most comfortable for you, so I’m not going to pressure you anymore.  When you are ready to talk, you just say the word and I will be there.  My biggest concern right now is your comfort and well being, so I don’t want to continue to do something that is making you uncomfortable. I’m not backing off because I don’t love you.  I’m backing off because I feel like that’s what you’re indicating that you want or need.  And your needs are the most important thing to me right now.”

Understand that your spouse still may not respond as quickly as you would like.  But your making it clear that you’re willing to let them set the pace without any pressure will likely mean something to them.  And it is in your best interest that they come to believe that you are willing to be patient if this is what they need or want.  It is my experience that most people will eventually calm down and be willing to talk, but things will usually go better if you let them feel as if they are in control.

As I said before, when my husband tried to pressure me to talk or to listen, I only got more and more annoyed with him.  But when he finally realized that he needed to have patience and to let me set the course that I wanted to take, things got much better for us.  And this is when I began to believe that he cared more about my agenda than his.  If it helps, you can read about how things eventually worked out for us on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Some people have ended their affair, but want to save their marriage.  They are now wondering how many details of the affair they should disclose. In fact, many don’t want to disclose any details about the affair (or even its very existence) because they know that all this is going to do is to cause pain.

Someone might explain: “I think my husband knows deep in his heart that I’ve been having an affair. He has asked me repeatedly and I have denied it. But I think he knows I’m lying. The thing is, I know he is going to want all of the details and it is the very details that are going to hurt my husband the worst. The other man is one of his very good friends who he trusts. And I’ve lied about taking trips with my girlfriends when I’ve been with this man. There are many details like this that I don’t want to tell my husband. Should I just continue to lie? Because if I don’t, the truth is going to hurt my husband and ruin my marriage.”

Lies Will Often Come To The Surface Anyway: These are tough questions. But I typically feel that outright lying will often come back to hurt everyone in the end because lies always seem to have a way of being exposed eventually.  The fact was, this wife’s husband already had strong suspicions about an affair. So, it might have been only a matter of time before he put some resources or time into finding out the truth. And when he pursued the existence of an affair, he was also going to find out the identify of the other man.

So, I believe that there are some details that are pretty much impossible to keep a secret. And when you become caught in lies, it just makes an already volatile situation that much worse. Trust is already a huge issue to overcome when you are trying to rebuild your marriage after an affair. But when you continue to lie to your spouse, then you erode the trust even more and you only make your problem worse.

Every Detail Doesn’t Always Need To Come Out: With these things said, I don’t always think it’s the best idea to tell every painful detail that is related to the affair. For example, your spouse probably doesn’t need to know the pet name you might have had for the other person or the gifts that you exchanged or the code words that were just between the two of you.  There’s a fine line between giving your spouse the truth that they deserve and then spilling those intimate details that don’t really do anything but hurt them more.

I do understand that many people want to spare their spouse the truth in order to spare them pain. But, when someone suspects that they are being cheated on, they are often unwilling to just drop the subject. They are often going to keep digging until they get the truth. So being able to keep or maintain this lie isn’t all that likely. I think that the existence of the cheating relationship and the identity of the other person isn’t often something that you can, or should, keep under wraps.

But the little intimate details that surround that relationship often don’t serve to do anything other than to hurt. To me,  there’s a difference between lying and just not volunteering information that hasn’t been requested of you. So to answer the question posed, I think that it’s rarely a good idea to outright lie to your spouse about an affair, even if your motivation is to spare your spouse pain. Because you will often get caught in your lies anyway and these lies are going to hurt your spouse anyway and erode the trust.

So while I wouldn’t blatantly lie, I do sometimes see the reasoning behind keeping some things to yourself. Some mental pictures that your spouse develops of you and the other person are going to be very hard to overcome. So if you can avoid giving them those details that will be so hard to forget (without lying to them,) then I don’t necessarily see a problem with that, as long as your motivation for these omissions is to spare pain rather than for your own gain.

I definitely would not have taken it well if my husband had continued to lie to me about the affair.  I respected him more because he was willing to tell me the truth.  However, I also know that he ommited some of the details.  This infuriated me at the time, but today, I understand his motivations and I’m somewhat glad I don’t have those details on which to dwell.  Because I dwelled on many things for a very long time.  At the end of the day, though, healing is much better than the dwelling.  If it helps, you can read about some of the things that helped me heal on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who have made the very important decision to end an affair to save their marriages. And very often, they know in their hearts that this is the right thing to do, but they wonder what obligation they have to the other person with whom they were cheating. They often wonder if they need to give an explanation or if that is only going to make things worse.

A wife might exclaim: “I am so ashamed to admit this, but I cheated on my husband for seven months with a guy from work. I’m also a little ashamed to admit that not only did I develop real feelings for the other guy, but I kind of characterized my husband as unfeeling and distant. So now that I’ve chosen to come clean to my husband and save my marriage, I feel very weird going to the other guy and telling him that I’m leaving him to go back to the guy who I claimed was cold and unfeeling. My husband doesn’t want for me to have any more contact with this other man. I am getting a transfer at work so it shouldn’t be too difficult to stay away from him. But my question is do I need to explain to him that I’m ending things because of my marriage? Do I owe him an explanation? How is this customarily handled?”

Ending an affair is handled in any number of ways. It truly depends upon the reason that you are ending it, what you think is right, and what you are most comfortable with. But, I’ll offer you some things to think about below.

If You’re Ending The Affair To Save Your Marriage, End It In The Way That’s Best For Your Marriage: Think for a second about why you are ending the affair. If you are truly doing this for your marriage, then anything that you do to end it and any interactions that you have with the other person should be firmly in line with what is best for your marriage. If your spouse doesn’t want you interacting with the other person, then having a long, drawn-out conversation where you have to explain your feelings or motivations might not be the best way to go. Also, sometimes when you face the other person, the feelings come forth and you aren’t as decisive as you should be. This can give the other person mixed feelings or give them the mistaken impression that there is still a chance for the relationship.

Attempting To Save Your Marriage Is The Honorable Thing To Do. You Don’t Need To Over Explain It: It’s probably fair to say that anyone getting involved with someone who is already married has to know that the relationship involves some risk. So it should not come as a total surprise that the possibility exists that one or both of you might want to eventually save your marriage. You shouldn’t need to make any apologies for honoring your commitment to your legal spouse who you promised to love, honor and cherish for a lifetime.

An affair or a cheating relationship is one that is based on dishonesty, deception, and, at the very least, secrets. You should not feel the need to over explain why you are leaving the dishonest relationship for the one to which you have made a lifetime commitment.

So, If I Don’t Need To Explain Why I’m Ending Things, How Do I End The Affair?: That really has to be up to you as you keep in mind what is best for your marriage moving forward. But however you do it, it’s always a good idea to keep it very brief and to the point. You don’t want to sound like you aren’t sure or that there’s going to be any room for the other person to convince you to change your mind later on. You want to be very clear that the relationship is not going to work for you and therefore it’s completely over for good. If you feel that you need to apologize to the other person, be very careful not to sound guilty. Because it’s common for them to try to use that guilt to get you back. You don’t want to leave any room for them to misunderstand you.

So my honest answer to the question posed is I don’t think it’s required for you to over explain why the affair is over. It’s not all that complicated. You’re married and you are honoring your commitment to your spouse. Yes, you may have misrepresented some things, but it’s probably pretty safe to say that you both are guilty of this. If you do feel the need to offer an explanation, keep it very brief, matter of fact, and firmly in line with your goal of saving your marriage.

To me, the most important thing moving forward is your conversations with your spouse, not your conversations with the other person.  It’s best to keep any interactions very brief and then to just move on and begin the healing.  Of course, I am biased.  My own marriage was nearly destroyed by my husband’s affair.   But luckily, we were both able to see that the sooner we left the other person behind and moved on, the better it was for all involved.  If it helps, you are welcome to read about the process of our recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives want to confront or talk to the woman that their husband has been cheating with. Some women even take this concept a little further and decide that they want to meet with the other woman AND their husbands all at the same time. Often, they have some things that they want to say to both of them and the wife wants to see their reaction (and how they interact with one another) while this is happening.

One of these wives might say: “my husband has been cheating on me with a woman at our church. When I found out, I confronted him, said it must stop, and told him that we would find a new church. He agreed to find a new church, but he didn’t agree to break it off right away. He said he thought he had real feelings for her. He said he would agree to stop seeing her for the short term while we tried to work on our marriage. After thinking about this for a while, I decided that I wanted to meet with both of them at the same time. My husband thinks that this is a crazy idea. But there are things I want to say to both of them. I want to tell them why they can’t see each other. I want to tell them that their actions are affecting our two small children. And I want them to say goodbye to each other for food right in front of me. Because after my husband walks out that door with me, then I don’t want him to ever see her again. Some of my friends agree with my husband that this is a crazy idea. What do you think?”

First of all, I can tell you that this is a relatively common idea. I get a lot of emails on this topic and it’s not uncommon for wives to want to call this kind of meeting. I think at the heart of this, the wife wants the opportunity to have her say to both of them and she wants both people to witness what she has said to the other person.  She also thinks that the meeting will humanize her to the other woman and will show the other woman that the wife and husband present a united front.

With all of this said, I have to say that I really don’t think that this is a good, or even healthy, idea. There are several reasons for this, which I’ll discuss below.

You’re Almost Setting Them Up To Still Be A Couple: This scenario reminds me of the parent who calls the two young lovers into the house to give them both a strict warning. What is usually the result? The two young lovers rebel and want that forbidden relationship that much more. When you’re addressing them together, there is almost an implication that they are a couple who is united party while you are the odd man (or woman) out. This can actually make them feel closer to one or another or part of a united front, which should be the last thing that you want.

By Addressing The Other Woman, You Are Continuing To Allow Her Into Your Life: I understand you wanted to have a final say to this woman, but honestly, anytime you continue to think about, talk to, or address her, you’re continuing to give her a place in your life. Instead, you should begin a very swift and very decisive action of banishing her from your life without any hesitation. When wives continue to talk to, think about, or even argue with her, all you’re doing is dragging out what should be a finished process. The ideal situation is for your husband to tell her that it’s over (without even needing to be face to face) and then having no further contact whatsoever. But when you actually invite them to meet face to face (even when you are there,) then you are acting counter to this.

You’re Giving Them An Excuse To Talk To Each Other After The Meeting Is Over: It’s just human nature to want to discuss things that are happening to you with people who share the experience. It would not be unheard of for the two of them to want to discuss the meeting after it has taken place. This is just one more opportunity for them to continue to talk.

Often, This Meeting Does Not Have The Intended Result Anyway: Usually, the wife wants this type of meeting because she wants the other woman to see that she is a real person with a real family. They wife hopes that once the other woman sees her as a real person with real feelings, then she will back off. But often, the meeting gets a little heated and this actually makes it easier for the other woman to justify her actions. The other woman may actually start to think things like “no wonder he cheated on that angry, out of control woman. Who would want to be married to someone like that?”

You don’t want to give the other woman any ammunition to use against you. Frankly, it’s none of her business how you and your husband are proceeding without her. And honestly, the best way to make her see that you two are moving on without her is to show her that you haven’t even given her a second thought. But if you are calling her or demanding to see her, then you’ve made it obvious that you’re doing anything but that.

I think every wife who has been the victim of an affair has this same fantasy.  But I can tell you from the experiences that people recount on my blog that so often, this meeting does more harm than good.  I know that you are probably calling this meeting because you think it will help you feel better.  But frankly, the best way to feel better is to move away from her and to start the healing process.  If you’d like the read about my healing process, you can check out my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Some wives are confused when they can’t help but notice that their husband seems to be almost in mourning after his affair is over. They often can’t ignore the fact that he is moping around the house, is withdrawn, or is so introverted that he’s not interacting with hardly anyone.  This is often in contrast to the way that the husband was acting while the affair was still going on.

One of these frustrated wives might lament: “my husband has been so down after I found out about his affair and made him end it. This is so upsetting to me. I have straight out asked him what his problem is. Usually, he would change the subject, insist that nothing was wrong, or just ignore the question, but the other day he admitted that he felt “a sense of loss” on many levels. Frankly, this both surprised and angered me. I’m the one who should be feeling a sense of loss. I’m the one who lost the marriage and the husband I thought I had. I’m the one who is finding out that my life has been a lie. Why would a man feel a sense of loss after an affair? Is he just saying this to make me feel sorry for him?”

Men actually can feel a sense of loss after an affair is over for various reasons. I will discuss some of these reasons in the following article.

Men Sometimes Feel A Sense Of Loss Because Of A Perceived Lack Of Closure: Many men build up the affair in their own minds. In order to be able to betray their wife, they need to be able to justify these actions in some way. So, they will try to convince themselves that the other woman or the affair is something very special. And as such, they might be very upset when they have to let these things go. (This sense of loss will usually fade with time.)

Another consideration is that often, once the wife finds out about the affair, she will demand that it end immediately. As a result, the husband will often be forced to break things off without a lot of warning or closure. So one day the other woman is in his life, and the next day, she is simply gone. This can bring about a sense of loss because everyone knows that, even though ending the affair is often the only right decision, the relationship didn’t come to a natural end. Again, these feelings fade over time as the high emotions and the immediacy of the situation begins to wane.

He May Also Feel A Sense Of Loss Because The Way That You Used To See Him Might Be Gone Forever: No matter what he says or how he acts, men are often at least somewhat disappointed in themselves when an affair ends. Often, they previously tried to convince themselves that no one will have to know or that no one is going to be hurt. However, when this doesn’t turn out to be true and they must face the fact that their actions did cause a lot of pain, this can be a crushing blow.

They suddenly realize that you are likely to never see them in quite the same way again. They also know that your marriage won’t be the faithful relationship that it once was. In short, they know that their actions are going to have serious consequences over a long period of time and this too can bring about a sense of loss.

Finally, he can feel a sense of loss in terms of himself. Once he has time for reflection and admits to himself how much of a mistake this was, he will also have to admit what this says about his character and about him as a person and as a man. He may have always seen himself as an honest person or someone who has a high amount of integrity and now he may have to admit that, at least for right now, he is lacking in the character he thought or wished he had. He’ll also need to admit that he has a lot of work to do to even begin to regain the ground that has been lost.

Hopefully, this article has shown you that there are many reasons that a man might feel a sense of loss after the affair. None of these reasons need to mean that your marriage is over, that your husband is an awful person, or that he doesn’t love you. All of these things can be worked through if both people are determined enough to make it so.

My advice is not to dwell too much on this. Accept that both of you are going to have some unfortunate feelings, but are going to have to march forward anyway. Often, with the passage of time, this sense of loss and regret will begin to wane as the two of you make progress and the other woman becomes just a memory rather than a presence in your lives.

I will admit that both my husband and I felt a sense of loss after his affair.  I think that in some ways this is avoidable.  But it doesn’t mean that you can’t begin to move forward, or to move past it.  Frankly, this sense of loss is likely just one of many things that you are dealing with.  If it helps, know that much of these things will often get much better in time, as was the case with me.  If it helps, you can read about my healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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