Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives have tried various approaches to get their husband to end his affair.  And yet, nothing has worked.  Either the husband has refused to end the affair, has begged for more time to make up his mind, or has continued to see the other woman despite his claims that he wouldn’t.

I often hear women say things like: “sometimes, I think that I should just go ahead and let him have his affair.  Maybe I should just let it run its course.  Because I’ve tried everything to make or force him to end it and he never does no matter what I do.  Is it a good idea to just let him have his affair and then have the last laugh when it ends?”

This is a difficult question for me to answer.  In my own situation, my husband was willing to end the relationship, so I’m not sure what I would have done (or which tactic I would have been forced to take) had he refused to break it off.  I can tell you that I know many wives who have been forced to just let the affair run its course because there was no other choice. And sometimes, this does ultimately work out to the wife’s advantage when the affair blows up in the husband’s face and he comes running back.

However, I’m pretty clear on the fact that I couldn’t continue to have a marital relationship with my husband while he continued to have an affair.  Because that is allowing him to pursue two relationships while you turn a blind eye to the situation.  This is only my own opinion.  Yours may differ.  But I have to wonder what incentive he has to end the affair while you sit by and allow it to happen, even if the situation certainly isn’t your fault.

That’s why I think that if you’re going to take this approach, you have to make it very clear that you are out of the romantic picture while he’s continuing on with the affair.  In other words, if he chooses to pursue that, then he can’t continue to pursue your marriage (or you) at the same time. So, you’re allowing the affair to run its course (because he hasn’t given you much choice,) but you are setting very clear boundaries.  And because of these boundaries, he may well have an incentive to end the affair sooner rather than later.

So how would this work in a real-life scenario?  Well, if you’ve decided that you’re just going to go ahead and let him continue on as he is right now, I still think you need to be verbally clear on the boundaries, so you may be considering saying something like: “it’s pretty clear to me that you’re unwilling to end the affair right now.  And that is your choice.  But it is my choice that I’m not going to participate in our marriage while you are having an affair.  Once the affair is completely over and you have cut off all contact with her, then we can talk about our marriage.  But until then, I just can’t engage with you in that way.  Once you’ve decided that you want to participate in our marriage completely faithfully again, then we can discuss this further.”

Notice that I didn’t beg or plead.  I didn’t waver.  I didn’t give him choices.  I didn’t make him any promises about what was going to happen. I was very direct and clear.  If he was going to go ahead and continue on with the affair, then he couldn’t have the marriage at the same time.  In this way, the wife is giving him a little time to let the affair end in a more natural way, but she’s also letting him know that, until the affair does in fact end, he’s not going to have the benefit of the marriage.

As I said, this is only my take having been through infidelity myself.  It’s my belief and experience that your husband has to have some incentive to chose fidelity and rehabilitation.  And if you are allowing him to have the affair and the marriage at the same time, then he really does not have that incentive.

I know how hard it is to go through this.  That’s why I would never judge another wife’s decisions and choices.  We all do the best that we can, but sometimes, we have to think about what is going to best for ourselves, our self-esteem, and our marriage in the long term.  I chose my course of actions based on those factors and I think that it has all turned out quite all right.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Some wives are surprised to see their husband so angry after being forced to break off his affair. The wives often aren’t sure about the source of his anger and when (or if) it will end. One of these wives might say: “I’d suspected that my husband had been cheating for a while but he kept denying it. So I started digging around on his computer and phone and before long I caught him without too much effort. When I confronted him, he was quite angry at me for snooping, but I didn’t let that keep me from telling him that he needed to break things off with her immediately.  He pleaded with me to give him some time to sort out his feelings and to figure out what he wanted to do.  He said he was torn and confused.  This wasn’t acceptable to me so I gave him an ultimatum.  Basically, I told him that he could choose her and get ready for a costly divorce and limited access to his kids or he could choose me and cut off any and all contact with her.  After thinking about it for a while, he decided that he chose me.  But this hasn’t brought that relief that I had hoped for.  Because ever since then he’s been moping around and acting downright angry.  In fact the other day, I started asking him questions to make sure that he isn’t seeing the other woman anymore and he became so angry he slammed the dish he was holding onto the floor.  Why all the anger and rage?  And how can I help him to get past his anger so that we can move on?”

There are various reasons that a husband might be angry in this situation.  I’ll discuss some of these reasons in the following article.

He Might Be Embarrassed And Ashamed:  I feel that the most common reason that men show a lot of frustration and anger after being caught cheating or having an affair is that they are often quite embarrassed and ashamed. They are fully aware that they have been caught doing something everyone one knows is wrong and now they might be scrambling to come up with an explanation for their behavior (when they may not even understand the source of their actions themselves.)  Couple this with a spouse who is looking at them with eyes that are full of disappointment, and you have the perfect scenario for frustration and shame.  These emotions can give way to anger because the husband knows that there is really no justification for his actions and therefore no excuse that is going to stop his wife from wanting more information, which of course keeps his embarrassment and shame going.

He May Be Mad At Himself:  Although many husbands won’t admit this, many are more mad at themselves than anyone else.  Many are fully aware that they have made a very serious mistake.  But sometimes, pride or being indignant will keep him from admitting this to himself or to his wife.  So instead of reflecting inward, he lashes out in an outward manner and he directs as anger at everyone in his path rather than at himself.

He May Be Trying To Use Anger To Keep His Wife At A Distance:  Many husbands will use anger as a means of posturing.  They figure if they can keep you at arm’s length, this might limit all of the questions and demands that you may have of them.   They’re afraid that if they crack, show sorrow or beg for your forgiveness, then they’ve now put themselves at a tactical disadvantage.  So some husbands figure they will try playing hardball to see if you will back off.

He Might Be Frustrated That He Wasn’t Given The Time To Make His Own Choices:  Many husbands will feel anger and resentment when they are given ultimatums, even when their wives are well within their rights to do so.  Husbands in this situation are sometimes frustrated that they didn’t have the opportunity to make their own decisions in their own time.  Some of them will even build up the affair even more in their minds because they think that it didn’t come to a natural end.  Of course, over time the affair would have likely fizzled out, but the husband often cannot see that for himself.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Is Exhibiting Anger After His Affair:  I believe that it’s best to not attempt to confront him or engage with him.  I understand that you may feel completely justified in being offended by his anger.  After all, what is happening right now is one hundred percent his own fault.  But often, if you point this out, all you will get is more anger and less resolution.  So my suggestion is to calmly let him know that you although you don’t understand or agree with his anger, you are leaving him to it without engaging.

You might say something like: “your anger isn’t helping us.  I’m not sure why you’re directing your frustration at me because I haven’t done anything wrong.  When you calm down and are ready to interact calmly and constructively, then we can begin to move on.  But right now, we’re in a situation where there’s no moving forward until you are more calm.”

In short, I suggest trying to disarm him and let him know that his posturing or self-pity just isn’t going to work.  I suggest being direct, but calm.  The key is to let him know that you are leaving him to his anger, refusing to engage, but are willing to talk more once he calms down.

My husband did attempt the whole posturing thing with some anger in the early days following his affair.  I made it clear pretty early on that I wasn’t going to tolerate it so he abandoned this strategy and we were able to begin moving on.  If it helps, you read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes people are very tempted to cheat in retaliation because their spouse has cheated on them first. There are often many factors that contribute to this. Sometimes, it is revenge. Other times, there is curiosity as to how it feels to cheat. Finally, many people figure that if their spouse is allowed to go outside of the marriage, why should they not be allowed the same privilege?

A wife in this situation may feel like this: “my husband has been cheating on me with a woman from his job. He says he will stop cheating if that’s what I want but he doesn’t seem particularly sorry. We have two kids. I’m not sure that I’m strong enough to leave him and raise the kids on my own. Lately, I’ve been thinking that I should just cheat too. That way, I won’t feel as resentment because he gets to do something that I don’t. And if we are both cheating, then no one has the upper hand. We will both be getting our needs met while staying together for our children. This is the best scenario that I can imagine, considering our circumstances. Maybe when the kids become adults, I’ll leave him. But for now, I feel like I am stuck with him and I feel as if I deserve to do whatever he is doing.”

In some strange way, I was able to follow this wife’s logic. After all, the privileges given to one spouse should be given to both. But, I don’t consider cheating a privilege. From my own experience, I consider it as poison to your marriage. Simply allowing it merely because both people are doing it seems to me as if both people are giving up on the marriage and conceding that there is just nothing left. Since the wife made it very clear that she wanted to stay married for the sake of her children, I didn’t see the harm in trying to make the marriage a fulfilling and healthy one. If they tried and failed, then what would be the harm? The wife already appeared to have given up anyway.

The thing is, when you know that your spouse is cheating on you (whether you appear to accept it or not) this does something to your soul. Even if you try to convince yourself that you are really OK with this because you intend to do it yourself, deep down this is so damaging to both you and to your marriage on so many levels.

There’s an old saying that most of us learned from our mothers which says that two wrongs do not make a right. It may well sound old fashioned, but I believe that in this case, it is absolutely true. In a sense, having both people cheat is like piling on more pain and more damage to an already difficult situation.

I know that the wife felt that the best case scenario was to continue to limp along for the sake of the children. But if they were going to stay together for the children anyway, why not attempt to rebuild the marriage into one that is actually healthy for the family? Because it is very unrealistic to think that there is not going to be a lot of tension in the house when both people are cheating.  And this environment isn’t all that great for the children either.

This is only my opinion of course. But I believe the best scenario would be for the husband to stop cheating (and he had even said that he would,) and for the family to begin the healing process. Quite frankly, I know that happiness is possible after cheating. It is a long hard road, but it is a road that can be worth it. With all of this said, I can’t imagine happiness when both spouses are fully aware that the other is cheating. I’ve actually heard from folks in this situation on my blog. Many have told me that they thought that their retaliation cheating was going to make them feel better, but it often does just the opposite. Many people report feeling guilt, or disgust or a lot of confusion. Frankly, infidelity brings about a lot of emotions, most of which are negative. Why bring more of this into the mix when things are already so difficult?

To me, the bottom line is that if you don’t want to be part of your marriage anymore or if you want to be with someone else, then the best thing to do would be to end the marriage first. But, if you’re only looking at retaliation cheating in order to feel better, then I can tell you with a decent degree of confidence that feeling better almost never happens as the result of retaliation cheating. In fact, many people who cheat in retaliation end up feeling worse because they’ve introduced a new round of problems and issues onto an already difficult situation.

I really never had the urge to cheat on my husband because I knew how devastated I was when he cheated on me.  And the whole idea of sex outside of your marriage was frankly a turn off to me at that time.  I was pretty disgusted by the whole process.  It took a long time before I was receptive to the healing process.  But today, I’m glad I took that chance because my marriage is intact and I am pretty happy.  If it helps, you can my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: Many women wonder if they can or should believe their husband’s claim that his infidelity has made him realize just how much he loves them after all. Some of the wives who hear this claim truly want to believe this. Some of them are being cautioned against believing these claims by well-meaning friends and family. And some of the wives don’t need someone to feed them any doubt because they are feeling plenty of doubts all on their own.

One of the wives could say: “our marriage had been struggling for a couple of years. There were times when my husband and I discussed separating but we never did. There was also a period of time when I considered moving out, but I decided to honor my commitment to my marriage. A couple of months ago, I found out that my husband had an affair. To be honest, I wasn’t all that shocked or outraged. We have been struggling for so long and our marriage has been hanging by a thread. But now my husband is telling me that the idea of being with someone else and permanently letting me go has made him realize just how much he loves me after all. Part of me is relieved to hear this because the reason I haven’t left is that I love and am committed to him. But my friends say that he is feeding me a bunch of nonsense. They say that he’s just posturing so that I don’t take his money in a divorce. They say he’s just trying to reduce the fallout of the affair. Are they right? Because he does seem sincere and I recognize the looks that he has been giving me because I see the love in his eyes. It’s the way he used to look at me when things were good between us. But can I even trust these looks? Or am I just seeing what I want to see?”

Unfortunately, I only knew what the wife was telling me. I didn’t know the background of this couple nor did I know their personalities or motivations. However, I do know from experience that it’s very common for a cheating spouse to say that an affair or infidelity suddenly made them realize how much they loved their spouse and didn’t want to lose them. And some of them are very sincere.

I am not a cheating man. Instead, I’m a woman who has been on the other side of that equation. But the sequence of events and the thought process seems to go something like this. The person who cheats either acts in an impulsive or a passive aggressive manner thinking that the affair is either going to force their hand toward change or is going to improve their situation in some way. But when the affair doesn’t bring them the happiness or relief that they expected (or when they see the pain that this caused their spouse,) they realize that they have jeopardized what was the most important thing to them all along. This is especially true when their marriage is in jeopardy because of the affair or the wife makes it clear that the husband is at risk of losing her.

Now, with all of this said, there are men who will say these types of things in an attempt to offer their wife some reassurance or to minimize the impact of the affair. It’s not unheard of for husbands to continue to lie after the affair has been discovered.  And it’s very common for wives to fear that their husband falls into this category.  So where does that leave you if you are on the receiving end of a husband’s claims that he suddenly realizes his love for you during or after an affair? Well, that depends upon your own feelings and wishes. If you have no desire to revive your marriage and don’t care what this man does or thinks, then you’re under no obligation to believe him.

But, if you have even a passing interest in saving your marriage, then you will need to decide if you are going to entertain these claims. And the reality is, there’s no true way to know if he’s telling you the complete truth since you cannot feel what he feels or think what he thinks. However, what you can do is wait and see if his actions and his behaviors are in alignment with his claims.

What I mean by this is that a husband who has come to realize that he loves his wife will follow that up with actions. He will do what he needs to do in order to prove or demonstrate that love. Because he loves his wife, continuing to hurt her is the last thing that he would ever want to do. So to that end, he’s going to be willing to do whatever is required to offer her the reassurance that she needs in order to rebuild and to reestablish the trust. Because he loves his wife, he will realize that their recovery is his responsibility so he will take the initiative to begin the process rather than waiting for her to take the lead.

In short, a husband who realizes he loves his wife will make an effort that is in line with his personality and ability. You probably can’t expect a shy and withdrawn guy to suddenly become outgoing and demonstrative, but you will probably see him making a huge effort to show you how much he cares in his own way. You will likely see him doing what you are asking of him and making every effort to prove himself to you.

Now, some men will be able to do this better than others. Some men do try but they aren’t very good at expressing themselves. So if your husband is trying but just falling short, consider being patient and giving him an opportunity to show you his sincerity with his repeated actions.

But to answer the question posed I do think it is possible for a man to realize that he loves his wife during or after an affair. However, I also think his actions should be in line with this if he expects his wife to believe in his sincerity.

My husband made all sorts of claims of love after I caught him having an affair.  I truly wanted to believe him.  But I had my doubts.  So I made a commitment to just wait it out and see if he could prove himself (and his love) to me.  And I’m glad I did.  Our marriage today is quite strong, but we would never have made it if I had never given him a chance.  If it helps, you can read our story of reconciliation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives have husbands who are giving them gifts or presents after he has been caught cheating or having an affair.  Often, the wives want to know if these gifts indicate guilt.  They wonder how they should respond to the gifts and what they mean for their marriage or for their recovery.

One might comment, in part: “I caught my husband having an affair about a month ago.  Since that time, he’s been showering me with gifts and flowers.  Not a day goes by that I don’t receive flowers, candy, or some sort of jewelry or little trinket.  Before the infidelity, I would’ve loved to receive these sorts of things.  But now, they feel tainted.  They feel as if they are offerings that are only coming out of guilt.  Don’t get me wrong.  I want my husband to feel guilty.  And I’m glad he wants me to forgive me.  But more than gifts, I want his genuine remorse and I want for him to make things right between us again.  I want him to show me that I trust can trust him.   I don’t want him to think that if he spends money on me and buys me these gifts that all will be forgiven.  What should I do about this?”

The giving of gifts is very common after the affair.  The husband is often struggling to show his remorse and sorrow.  So he is hoping that giving his wife presents will show her how much she means to him and how much he is thinking about her.  The problem with this is that often, the wives want to hear the husband speak actual words of remorse and reassurance.  The wives may well appreciate the gifts, but they don’t want the gift to be a substitute for the husband’s heartfelt words or responses.

Many wives aren’t sure how to respond.  They don’t want to reject their husband’s efforts and they don’t want to completely discourage him.  But they also want him to know that buying them things doesn’t mean that he is off of the hook just because he brought out his credit card in a few stores.   Frankly, many wives also wonder if the trinkets are merely the result of guilt or if they are meant to throw them off the trial if he is still cheating.

I often think it’s best to thank him for the gifts but to also make it clear that they aren’t a substitute for actual words or for actual fidelity and trust.  A suggested script would be something like: “I do appreciate the gifts, but what I really want from you is for you to tell me what I mean to you without your letting objects and trinkets talk for you.  It doesn’t matter how much you buy for me, I need to hear the words come from your mouth and I need to see the actions coming from your behaviors. I would love rebuilding our marriage and restoring the trust more than I could love any gift that you could ever give me.  The piece of mind is worth more to me than any material object.  Don’t misunderstand me.  I appreciate that you care enough to go out and buy me these things.  But material possessions won’t matter all that much to me if our marriage is in trouble or if I don’t feel that I can trust you.  Will you do something for me?  Will you also write me a letter or tell me what you were thinking when you wanted to buy me something?  Because knowing the thoughts and feelings behind the present mean more to me than the present itself.”

Notice that I was careful not to make this feel like a rejection.  You do want to acknowledge that you appreciate the thought process behind the gift.  But you want to make it clear that you are going to need more than material possessions.  In other words, while you are encouraged at the feelings and the thought process that must have taken place when he was picking out the gifts, you are going to need more than this going forward.  You need for him to do the talking for himself, not through tangible objects.

My husband did rely on gifts a lot in the days and week after the affair.  I eventually had to make it very clear that the gifts were not going to be enough.  Once we established this understanding, I was able to get more of what I needed from him.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many women are trying to evaluate their husband’s claims of everlasting love or sorrow after he has been caught having an affair.  Many have their doubts about these claims and have a strong suspicion that he is only making these claims to minimize the fall out from the affair.

One might say: “now that the affair is out in the open and I have caught him, my husband is suddenly declaring his undying love for me.  In fact, last night he told me that I was ‘the love of his life.’  It was all I could do to not laugh in his face.  He hasn’t been sweet or loving to me in years.  He pretty much just ignores me and never compliments me.  But suddenly when I’ve caught him cheating and he is now afraid of losing everything, now I am the great love affair of his life.  What a joke!  I don’t even know how to respond to him when he says things like this.  Because in my mind I’m saying sarcastic and nasty things like ‘well, you didn’t think I was the love of your life while you were cheating, you creep.’  I don’t know where to go from here.  I have had girlfriends whose husbands leave them after having an affair.  So part of me is grateful that he is still claiming to love me and wants to work things out.  But there’s a part of my brain that is telling me he’s a liar. What am I supposed to do?”

I know that this is so frustrating.  On the one hand, you really do want to believe what he says.  But on the other, there’s a little voice in the back of your head telling you that you would be stupid to believe any claims that he made.   The thing is, you can’t see inside of his mind and examine his exact thoughts.  And most people aren’t going to hook him up to a lie detector and try to pinpoint if he’s lying.  So this leaves you with a couple of choices.  You can decide that you don’t want to believe anything he says because of his betrayal.

Or, you can approach it with openness combined with skepticism, which was the approach that I ultimately chose in my own situation.  The truth is, time is going to tell you if his claims are true.  If you truly are the great love of his life, then he is going to fight in the days to come to prove himself to you and win you back.   He is going to do everything in his power to rehabilitate himself and to restore the trust.  And he will be clear that this is his responsibility because he created this mess.

Nothing says you have to blindly believe exactly what he tells you.  Of course, you are going to have doubts.  But you might decide that you want to let him prove his claims.  You may choose to give him the opportunity to back up his words with his actions.  Then, if he doesn’t do that or he proves that he did not mean what he has said, then you will have your answer.  But, if he does make good on his claims and he becomes the husband that he needs to be in order for you to save your marriage, then you might be glad that you gave him that one last chance.

This is not a decision that anyone can make but you.  Often, you’ll need to evaluate his past actions and his current claims along with what you really want to happen with your marriage.  Because you do have a say in the outcome.  You get to make some decisions here.  Many wives will give more leeway to men who have been good husbands until now, which was the case with me.  Husbands who are serial cheaters or who have been husbands that have been lacking will sometimes find that their wife has run out of patience.

So to address this wife’s concern, I couldn’t tell her if her husband was sincere in his claims about his love for her.  But I could tell her that some husbands do live up to their claims when given the chance.  And unfortunately, you often won’t know the truth until you give him an opportunity and then wait and see how things turn out.

My husband made all sorts of claims after his affair. I believed almost none of them.  But he pleasantly surprised me in the days following the infidelity. And he made good on his claims and promises.  If I hadn’t given him the chance, I would’ve never known what could have been. If it helps, you can read my recovery story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives experience intense anger long after the affair has been discovered. They are often quite frustrated by this and don’t understand why it is happening so long after the fact.

One might say: “for weeks after my husband’s affair, I was very calm. It wasn’t that I wasn’t mad or upset. I was. But those weren’t the emotions that came through. Mostly, I was hurt and sad. I just kept thinking about what might be lost and how one decision might have such a lasting impact on the lives of multiple people. As the days went by, my sadness started to abate just a little and I began to try to find ways to cope. My husband seemed to be relieved that I was mostly focused on recovery and he was happy to go to counseling with me. The problem is that during counseling, I’ve started to experience a lot of anger. But I don’t completely understand this. It’s been months after I found out about the affair and now, all of a sudden, I’m as angry as though it was the first day. My husband doesn’t understand why I’m so angry all of a sudden and frankly, I don’t quite get it either. Why am I suddenly so angry and what does this mean for my recovery?”

Believe it or not, this type of delayed anger is very common. Often, in the very early days of finding out about the affair, many people just go into survival mode. You are just trying to put one foot in front of the other so that you can get through every day. And in order to do this successfully, you can’t dwell on things all that much. So you place your focus on doing what is necessary to move forward. But eventually, this momentum can begin to slow. And when you slow down, you will often begin to start thinking about the specifics of the affair. And this is when the anger begins to spew forth – seemingly out of nowhere.

The truth is, it has likely been bubbling just under the surface for a while, but you were moving so quickly or you stuffed the feelings down because they were just too painful at the time.  But often you can only run for so far or for so fast until you need to slow down and be quiet for a while. And when this happens, you are forced to ask the questions or think the thoughts that can lead to some unpleasant realities which can bring about that delayed anger we have been talking about.

So hopefully, that helps you to understand why you might be experiencing that delayed anger.  Now, let’s talk about what you can do about it.  Many wives are upset about the anger and they worry that they are taking a step backward.  This isn’t necessarily the case.  You need to give yourself permission to experience the feelings as they come.  If you keep forcing them back down or refuse to feel them, then they are just going to keep right on cropping back up.  I found a great deal of comfort and keeping a journal and giving myself permission to write whatever came into my mind.  This helped me to release the feelings without needing to always lash out at my husband.

Speaking of my husband, I learned to be very direct when the feelings would present themselves.  I would tell him that, for whatever reason, I was feeling some anger and I needed a little space until it passed.  Sometimes, the anger presents itself because there is a topic that you have been worrying or thinking about but have not addressed.  If this is the case, it helps greatly to go right ahead and come out with it.  Frankly, I find it better to just go ahead and put it on the table instead of allowing it to hurt you day after day as it continues to present itself.  To me, it’s better to deal with it all at once and get it over with, even though this might be painful at the time.

Finally, this delayed anger doesn’t mean that you are regressing.  It usually means that an affair is a lot to deal with all at once, so you sometimes find feelings are thoughts presenting themselves a little bit at a time so that you are not overwhelmed.   And, once you are no longer in survival mode, then it’s just natural for your thoughts to come forward.  Take them as they come, release them, and then deal with them as needed.  Usually, if you face them head on, they will wane over time and no longer be so overwhelming.

I will admit that my anger was severe when it finally did come.  And, at least at first, I did not deal with it very well.  Over time, I learned to just be honest about it and to face it.  As I acknowledged it, then it lost its power over me and this greatly helped in my recovery.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many women aren’t sure how to proceed when they first find out that their husband is cheating. Often, they know many of the details, but the guilty parties aren’t aware of this knowledge.  And they wonder if they should confront their husband, the other woman, or both.  Many wives are tempted to confront the other woman first.  But they often have doubts as to whether this is the best idea or about the best way to go about this confrontation.

Here’s an example: “I found some texts on my husband’s phone that make it very obvious that he has been cheating with a woman at work.  I don’t know this woman.  But I looked on the company directory and I know where her office is located.  I am wondering if I should stand in the employee parking lot and confront her when she comes out to her car.  I also find myself thinking about emailing her to let her know that I am very aware that she is cheating with my husband and that her behavior must stop immediately.  However, my best friend says that she thinks that this is the wrong approach.  She says I am better off approaching my husband first and then dealing with the other woman.  Who is right?”

Why Confronting The Other Woman Is A Risky Play: I actually agreed with the friend on this topic.  Here is why.  The other woman is a virtual stranger to you who has no vested interest in your life or in your well being.  By confronting her, you are hoping that she feels guilty or afraid enough to end the cheating or the affair.  But, what you aren’t taking into consideration is that you do not know her and can’t possibly gauge how likely any of this is to happen.   Not only that, but you don’t know that she is not going to run straight to your husband and tell him about your confrontation and act as if you were the aggressor. She may tell you lies about the relationship.  She may deny the cheating or act as if your husband pursued her when this is not exactly the truth.

There are two participants in this situation but you only know one of them intimately.  Only one of them has a history with you or a vested interest in being truthful and respectful.  And that person is your husband.   Long after the relationship between them is over, only one of these people is likely to remain in your life.  While this other woman will likely go on to live her own life and may not cross your path ever again, the same is not true in regards to your husband, especially if you have children.  That’s why I believe that he is the one that you should confront about the cheating.  Because it is helpful to understand early on that the goal is to get this other woman out of your life as soon as possible.  But if you start contacting, confronting, or reaching out to her, then you make it more likely that she will remain in your lives for much longer than she needs to.

Many wives do understand this on an emotional level, but it is more difficult to convince their hearts to back off.  Many just feel as if they can’t sit back and not say or do anything.  I understand this.  It can be very hard to force yourself to back away from her, but I feel as if this is the right call.  And I also feel very strongly that you never want to have a physical confrontation with this woman.  I hear from so many wives who intend a relatively calm conversation but who find that things get out of control quite quickly.  You don’t know this woman or how she might react, so I feel very strongly that you should not walk into a physical confrontation.

If you absolutely must confront her, then I would advocate sending a brief email or letter since you can control when the message begins or ends.  However, it is vital that you keep it short and to the point.  You don’t need to threaten, insult, or demean her.  Instead, you simply want to tell her that you have found evidence of the relationship and that it must stop.  That’s it.  You don’t need to explain things or try to make her feel guilty.  You don’t want to give her any reason to need to respond back in a negative way.

As I’ve said, I think that the best case scenario is banishing her from both of your lives from this day forward.  That’s why I advocate confronting your husband rather than her.  But if you must reach out to her, do it in a very safe and controlled way that doesn’t invite her to engage with you or park herself into your life.  You should be trying to push her out rather than inviting her in.

I understand that the very idea of the other woman might be causing you a lot of pain right now.  But place your focus on where it belongs – on yourself, on your family, and on your husband.  These people are so much more important to you than a stranger.   I will admit that this was a struggle for me, but focusing on myself and my husband was the right call.  Because our marriage is very solid today and she is just a distant memory.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives aren’t sure how to classify their husband’s infidelity.  This can be particularly true when the husband is claiming that his infidelity is not as bad as it could have been.  Many husbands will attempt to differentiate between a one night stand, a fling, cheating, and an affair. A confused wife might say: “my husband cheated on me with a woman who was lecturing at his work.  This woman was only in town and training in my husband’s office for two weeks.  Apparently, they began cheating a few days after her arrival and everything ended once she left to go back to her own office. My husband only told me about her because one of his coworkers threatened him that if he didn’t tell me, she would.  I am devastated.  But my husband says that I am overreacting because I’m acting as if he had a long-term affair when he only had a fling.  He said that they both knew that there was not going to be anything lasting between them and there were no emotions involved.  He says it was a harmless fling and not a hot and heavy affair.  I don’t think there is any distinction between the two.  Cheating is cheating.  Is there any difference at all?”  I’ll give you my take on this in the following article.

The Thinking Behind The Argument That There’s A Difference Between An Affair And A Fling:  Here is the argument behind this thinking.  People in this situation will tell you that there was no long-term deception.  They didn’t plan for it to happen but it did.  They acted impulsively, but things ended so quickly that this can’t even be classified as a relationship, much less an affair.  You’ll often hear assertions like “but it meant nothing to me.”   People who insist that they were only involved with a fling often feel that this is less of a betrayal and more of an impulsive mistake.  They’ll tell you that it wasn’t as if they were declaring their undying love for this person or promising that they were going to leave their wife, as is sometimes the case in affairs.

My Take On The Fling Versus Affair Argument:   It’s difficult for me to look at this topic with an open mind, but I do see where some husbands are going when they make this argument.  They are trying to reassure you that they weren’t serious about this other woman, but were only in it for the short term excitement.  And, I can tell you that many wives are very honest about the fact that they would rather their husband be physically unfaithful instead of being emotionally unfaithful.  The thought of their husband being in love with someone else or being emotionally invested with another woman is almost more than many can bear.  The thought that their husband would rather be with the woman in the affair than with them is another unbearable thought.

With all of this said, though, I would argue that a betrayal is a betrayal.   I don’t think it’s fair or accurate to say that a fling or a one night stand isn’t really cheating because, to me, it is.   The husband has made a decision to be unfaithful to his wife, whether it is for the long or the short term.  Now, if knowing that there was no emotional connection is comforting to the wife, I do understand that.  However, I disagree with the husband’s argument that in some way, a fling is less of a betrayal than an affair.  Yes, a long-term affair requires more planning, more deception, and there are often emotions involved.   But, recovery for a fling is just as necessary as recovery for an affair, since both can be a devastating betrayal to a faithful wife.

My husband’s cheating relationship was over very quickly and apparently, there was not an emotional connection, so I suppose you could classify it as a fling.  However, these facts didn’t make it any less painful.  Recovery was still difficult, but necessary.  With that said, our marriage today is very strong.  With that said, I know many couples who have recreated marriages after an intense affair, so I don’t think that these classifications are all that necessary.  To me, what is truly important is recovery from betrayal.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: A wife can have serious trust issues after her husband cheats or has an affair.  After all, the person closest to her has betrayed her in a very personal and painful way.  Many wives find that not only do they have trouble trusting their husband, they have trouble trusting many different people, including women.

She might say: “my husband admitted to an affair.  I am furious with him and there is plenty of blame available for him.  However, I blame the other woman more than I blame my husband.  After speaking with some of the staff at the restaurant where the other woman works, I’m starting to hear that she pursued my husband when he would go into the restaurant to have business meetings.  She probably knew that he had a bit of success and money and decided to go after him.  This just infuriates me with her.  My husband is a decent looking guy, but he certainly does not have movie star good looks.  Women are interested in him because of his money and his status.  And to be honest, this makes me suspicious and distrustful of any women who spend time with my husband.  I find myself uncomfortable with the secretary he has had for many years.  Every time we go somewhere, I find myself sizing up any of the women who are present.  I also think about how some of my friends and acquaintances knew about the infidelity and they said nothing because they were intimidated by my husband.  So I never tell any of my friends about my marriage anymore.  In fact, I never even talk about my husband at all because I’m so paranoid that someone is going to use this information against me.  I don’t want to live my life this way.  But I have been burned so badly.  And I’ve met many women who have told me that other women pursued their husbands too.   Will I ever trust women again?”

I got the impression that this wife felt that her feelings were silly or unjustified.  But I completely understood them.  It is just natural to be distrustful of anyone after you have suffered from this kind of betrayal.  However, no one should have to live their life in this way.  Everyone needs people close to them.  And it’s impossible to feel close to someone when you don’t trust them.    Below, I will offer some tips to help you address this issue.

Try To Trust Those People You Know Well And Have No Reason To Distrust:  Unfortunately, this wife found herself distrusting pretty much everyone.  And this was quite detrimental to her because the very people who would probably have been happy to support her had been cast out of her life.   The rule of thumb that I try to follow when it comes to trust is that I make every effort to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially if I know them well.   Sure, there were people who kept my husband’s secrets and those people deserved my distrust.  But, it wasn’t fair for me to punish those friends and family members who had done nothing wrong.

The chances are good that you have some friends or family members that had no involvement in the infidelity.  So, there’s really no concrete reason to distrust these folks right now.   Not only that, but you likely could use a support system of people outside of your marital situation.

Know That As You Learn To Trust Your Husband Again, Your Distrust Of Others Will Start To Wane:  I know that many people might disagree with what I am about to say.  But I have come to believe that if you believe in and trust your husband, you won’t have a reason to distrust third parties.  Now, many people will say that there are crafty women who set out to make otherwise happily married men cheat.  And I know that these women do exist.  But they do not physically force anyone to cheat.   Infidelity can’t take place unless, on some level, the husband is willing.

A man who is fully rehabilitated should be able to handle situations in which there is a temptation.   That doesn’t mean you should let your husband go on overnight business trips alone if it makes you feel uncomfortable.  And you should certainly use your doubt as motivation to strengthen your marriage.  But, if you’ve done everything in your power to be sure that your husband is rehabilitated and you have rebuilt your marriage to the point where it is very solid and you are both fulfilled, then ask yourself if your distrust is misplaced or if it is hurting your marriage more than temptation ever could.  Because I have to tell you that often, this distrust and unease will ultimately hurt your marriage because your husband will start to feel that no matter what he does, you will never trust him again.  That’s why it can be important to ask yourself if you are reacting to anything concrete or if you have just become distrustful of everyone.

For a long time, I felt as if I needed to watch my husband (and the women around him) like a hawk.  I just didn’t trust anyone.  But over time, I realized that my behavior was only making things worse. I chose to trust him until he gave me a reason not to and this has worked well for us.  Of course, I am attentive to our marriage and any behaviors that may be important.  But I decided that I no longer wanted to live a life dictated by distrust and insecurity.  If it helps, you can read about how I was able to recover from the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Comments Off on I Don’t Trust Other Women After My Husband Cheated And Had An Affair: Tips That Might Help