Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives aren’t sure what to demand of their husband after he has been caught cheating or having an affair.  Many immediately want to demand that their husband cut off all contact with the other woman.  But sometimes, the husband balks at this request or well-meaning friends and family offer advice that makes the wife second guess her inclinations. A wife could explain: “my husband admitted to cheating with a woman at his gym.  I want him to switch gyms and to immediately cut off any and all contact with her.  He’s telling me how much he loves the gym and his trainer and that he doesn’t want to leave.  Also, my girlfriend is telling me that if I demand he abruptly cut off all contact, he will resent me and the other woman is more likely to not accept it since it was so abrupt.  So who is right?  Should I make him cut off all contact or should I let him decide this for himself?”  I’ll tell you my take on this in the following article.

Why I Believe You Should Make It Clear That You Need For Him To Break Off All Contact Before You Rebuild Your Marriage:  I believe that the ideal situation is that the husband breaks off any and all contact as this wife had outlined.  In the time following the affair, wives are very often filled with fear and doubt.  This is hard enough when you know that the other woman is out of the picture.  But, if you suspect that she might still be around, this fear and doubt are almost unbearable because you are always having to worry about her.

I do understand that there are husbands who will feel resentment for this demand.  I also know that some husbands will lie about this and will assure you that they have cut off all contact when in reality, they have not.   If you suspect that this might be the case with your own husband, you might consider wording this in a way that doesn’t sound like an ultimatum.  Instead of saying “you will cut the other woman out of your life immediately or else.” you might instead say something like: “how you handle this is ultimately up to you, but I cannot stress enough that I can not and will not attempt to save our marriage if she is still in the picture.  I will only feel secure when I know that I do not have to worry about or deal with her anymore.  The choice is yours.  And if you are still not sure, then you let me know once you have made the decision.  And, at that time, we can discuss how to move forward.  But I can’t move forward until I know that she is no longer in our lives.”

Is It Advisable To Make Your Husband Prove That He’s Cut Her Out Of His Life?: Many wives don’t believe their husband’s promises that she is no longer an issue.  Wives often ask whether they should make their husband prove that he’s told her that the affair is completely over.  This can be a tough decision.  My inclination is always to try your best to trust, but if you are having difficulty with that, there is nothing wrong with asking for reassurance or accountability.

On the other hand, if your husband is being attentive, is coming home on time every night, is giving you access to all of his technology that he would use to contact the other woman, and is more or less doing what you have asked of him, be careful that you are not falsely accusing him without cause.  Because at some point, you will need to reestablish the trust and part of this is your giving him the benefit of the doubt when he is showing himself to be trustworthy.

So to answer the question posed, I do think that it’s in the best interest of the marriage for the husband to cut the other woman out of his life.  However, I think it’s important not to make this sound like an ultimatum coming from a drill sergeant.  Because obviously, it is better for everyone involved if your husband comes to this decision on his own.  If this is his decision alone, then he is more likely to follow through and to be sincere.

I will admit that for a long time after the affair was over, I had my doubts that the other woman was truly and completely gone from our lives.  Luckily, my husband had a lot of patience in this regard and we eventually moved past this issue.  If it helps, you can read about this aspect of our cheating recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Is It A Good Idea To Insist That A Husband Break Off All Contact With The Other Woman After Cheating Or Having An Affair?

By Katie Lersch: Many people wonder what happens now that the affair is out in the open.  Often, the discovery of the cheating or the affair is so emotional and volatile.  But then the days that follow present their own challenges.  Many people aren’t quite sure how they should act or how to carry out their day to day lives.

A wife could comment: “to say that I am crushed by my husband’s cheating and the affair is an understatement.  I feel like our whole lives were nothing more than a lie.  He is begging me to allow him to have a chance to make this up to me.  He promises that I will not regret it if I give him another chance.  But I feel so damaged right now.  Every day, I find myself retreating from him.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s very obvious that I am uncomfortable and angry.  My husband mostly ignores this, but sometimes he will say that if I can’t stop being so angry and distant, he’s not sure how we’re going to be able to save our marriage.  I think that he wants me to act forgiving and loving when this truly isn’t the way that I really feel.  How are you supposed to act around the man who hurt you by cheating on you?  I don’t want to sabotage my marriage and I don’t want to be unpleasant to be around.  But I can’t help the way that I feel.”

One has to feel bad about a situation like this one.  I know from experience that it can be a challenge to feel as though you need to act in a certain way when your heart is breaking.  On the one hand, she felt very justified in her anger.  But on the other, she knew that her anger was going to affect her family and her ability to repair her marriage.  Still, she felt like she was being asked to play a role that didn’t feel exactly right.  I’ll share some insights in the following article.

You Should Feel Free To Express Your True Feelings, But If You Find That They Are Negatively Affecting Your Healing, Learn Constructive Ways To Release Them:  No one should have to pretend to feel something that they don’t.  You should not feel pressured to push down your true feelings.  You have every right to be angry and confused right now.  And it may take some time before your anger begins to wane.  Also, sometimes you need to see some actions and behaviors from your husband in order to make this possible.  So this too just requires some time.

With all of this said, many wives intuitively know that their behaviors are having a negative effect on their family and on their marriage.  In my own case, I was angry a lot of the time.  And this sort of became my set personality, which I didn’t like very much.  There would be times when my husband would say or do something sweet and I would truly want to feel a little happiness or to respond positively.  But, I was stuck in my own anger.   I couldn’t accept or receive my husband’s reconciliation attempts because I was stuck in a cycle of anger and isolation.  I knew that I didn’t want to continue living my life in this way.  So, I started looking for ways to release my anger on people who weren’t part of my family.

Although counseling didn’t prove as helpful as I had hoped, I did notice that when I was able to just talk and release my feelings, I always felt a little better.  So I started looking for ways that I could regularly release my feelings.  I didn’t always feel comfortable doing this with my husband.  Because often, my anger was directed at him.  So I talked to trusted friends or I journaled.   This allowed me to have some relief and I found that when my husband would do something nice, I would be more apt to not outright reject him, which helped.  Over time, healing moved along and I was more comfortable releasing the anger and welcoming the joy.  It did not happen overnight.  And I did regress sometimes, but I could see how far I had come and eventually, I would get back on track.

To answer the question posed, I would say that you should feel free to act authentic and genuine.  However, if you find that your anger is affecting the way that you feel about your life, is delaying your healing, or is affecting your family for the long term, you will want to find ways to release or channel this anger.  Because you don’t deserve to continue to feel like this forever.

I remember feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I realized that I had mostly let the anger go.  Although the anger was justified, it completely weighed me down and I didn’t want to live that way.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Are You Supposed To Act Around The Husband Who Has Hurt You With His Cheating Or Affair?

By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives are trying to figure out just how serious a threat their husband’s affair is to their marriage.  Some wives hope that the affair was just a fling that didn’t mean anything.  A wife could say: “after my repeatedly asking him, my husband finally admitted to an affair.  I knew something was up because all of the signs were there.  For a long time, he denied everything, but I wouldn’t let up and I finally wore him down until he confessed.  But he tried to make me feel better by telling me that the affair wasn’t serious.  He said she didn’t mean anything to him and it was really ‘just a fling.’  However, I found out that the affair lasted for four months.  If it wasn’t serious or real, why would he be involved for four months.  Since I found out about the affair, my husband has been very attentive and loving.  So I am torn. One of my friends tells me that any affair is serious and could destroy my marriage.  But I have another friend who tells me that her husband had a fling once and it has long behind them because there was no emotional attachment.  So how am I supposed to know how serious the affair truly was?”  I’ll try to address these concerns below.

Don’t Underestimate A Serious Threat: My belief is that any affair can be a serious threat to your marriage.  And I don’t think that the time frame or the supposed emotions involved have as much to do with it as people can assume.  I’ve heard from many men who carried on casual flings for years at a time.  And I also hear from those who tell me that an affair turned very serious very fast.  Besides that, if you believe that the emotions involved can tell you how serious the affair was, then realize that  you are pretty much dependent upon your husband to be honest about the emotions involved.  Most husbands will downplay this even if they felt emotionally attached.

So since you can’t completely control or understand these variables, I believe that the best bet is to take any infidelity seriously.  I understand that many cheating husbands completely believe that they love their wives and were happy in their marriage.  But, even if this is true, both people will need to take the infidelity seriously enough to insist on rehabilitation to ensure that the marriage not only survives, but thrives.

I believe that there’s a real risk in saying “oh it was just a fling” and then not fully addressing what lead up to this betrayal and how to deal with it.  When you brush it aside in this way or don’t take it seriously, then you leave yourself vulnerable for it to happen again and you constantly walk on eggshells as a result.  Not only that, but you will likely have a lot of resentment that he’s doing nothing to make amends for what he has done.   In short, it’s unrealistic to think that your marriage is not going to be damaged, even by a so called fling.

From my own experience and from all of the people that I hear from on my blog, I can tell you that all infidelity can be very serious to a marriage.  Of course, every one is different and some couples’ reactions and feelings will differ, but I believe that you should take any type of betrayal serious enough to dig a little deeper and to rehabilitate your marriage.

It’s very common for the spouse who cheated to insist that the infidelity is no big deal, while the spouse who was cheated on can think of nothing else.  If you don’t want to accept the “no big deal” assertion, a suggested script would be something like: “I know that you’re telling me that the affair is not serious to you, but it is very serious to me.  And if our marriage and myself is important to you, then this issue should be important to you also.  In order for me to heal and for our marriage to survive, I need you to take this seriously and work with me to rehabilitate our marriage.  Because if we don’t do that, then these issues are going to keep coming up and damaging our marriage.  If I and our marriage are important to you, then I need you to stop downplaying it because this is important to me, so it should be important to you.”

My husband did try to downplay the affair in the beginning, but I made it very clear that this was not acceptable to me.  Eventually, he realized that what was important to me should be important to him and this enabled us to begin our recovery, which wasn’t always easy, but was always worth it.  If it helps, you can read that entire story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Do You Evaluate The Seriousness Of An Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: Some people are either attempting to find justification of infidelity or they are trying to look on the bright side.  Here are some examples. I might hear from a man who has decided to cheat on his wife.   He will say something like: “my wife doesn’t meet my needs anymore.  My marriage is a joke. We are never intimate and I feel resentful.  But I don’t want to abandon my kids.  So I feel like if I get my needs met somewhere else, this will allow me to tolerate and stay in the marriage.  In this way, the infidelity will be a good thing because we will both be happier.”

Another example of a wife would be something like: “my husband had an affair but is now saying he wants to save my marriage.  My mother says that regardless of what he says now, our marriage is over.  She says that marriages just can’t recover from this type of betrayal.  But I keep reading things that say that if you handle things correctly, infidelity can actually be good for your marriage.   Is this true? If we work really hard, will this actually end up being beneficial for us and for our marriage?  I’m trying to find one shred of positive information, but my mom says I’m refusing to accept reality.”  I’ll tell you my opinion on this in the following article.

Fulfilling Your Needs Outside Of Your Marriage Without Altering That Same Marriage Is Unrealistic: I would never encourage someone to cheat in order to stay in their marriage.  The thought process that you can fulfill your needs somewhere while happily saying in your marriage is extremely unrealistic.  People who subscribe to this theory will tell you that by being unfaithful, everyone is happy.  The truth is, everyone isn’t usually happy for the long term.  Eventually, the truth comes out.  And a marriage based on this type of lie isn’t really much of a marriage at all, in my opinion.  If you are looking for justification to cheat, then the whole “infidelity is good for a marriage” justification is not a valid one, at least in my experience and opinion.  If you’re looking to do something positive in your marriage in order to stay together, tell your spouse the truth and consider seeking counseling or at least educate yourself on improving or saving your marriage.  This strategy is so much better than risking your marriage.

Finding A Silver Lining Can Be Helpful: With all of this said, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with trying to find some silver lining when your spouse had an affair.  As someone who has dealt with infidelity, I can tell you that there are often some good things that become possible through recovery.  For example, you typically improve your communication with your spouse and you learn not to take your spouse or your marriage for granted.  When something is threatened, sometimes we value it more and we learn how to protect it.  In these ways, you actually do get some benefit from the recovery process.

I have to admit that there have been some good things for myself personally and for my marriage which have come out of this process.  I have regained my confidence.  I have defined what I do and do not want.  I have learned to keep my marriage strong and to address small issues before they become big ones.  I have learned that my husband is willing to do just about anything to keep us together.  And I’ve learned that good marriages can survive very bad things.

However, with all of this said, if I’d had the choice to get all of these benefits or to turn back time and have my husband be faithful, of course, I would choose the faithful husband.  So to answer the question posed, while some improvements and some positive things can come out of recovery from infidelity, this should never be a justification for cheating.  To be quite honest, the best thing is to never cheat in the first place, but to do everything in your power to address issues within your marriage and within yourself, BEFORE any infidelity happens.

Sometimes, however, this just isn’t possible.  Sometimes you are in a situation where your spouse has cheated and you have to pick up the pieces.  In this case, you should know that some good things actually can come out of this very bad situation. The wife in the above scenario could take comfort in this.

Since I really had no say in my husband’s infidelity, I was left with picking up the pieces.  And after a lot of pain and hard work, some good things actually did come out of the affair.  Our marriage is much stronger and we are better at communicating and keeping our bond very close.  If it helps, you can read about how our recovery brought about some good things on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Is It True That Infidelity Can Be Good For A Marriage?

By: Katie Lersch: Both husbands and wives (as well as the faithful spouse and the cheating spouse) can be criticized for their decision to take time out to do some soul searching after one spouse has cheated or had an affair.

An example of a cheating husband is something like: “after my wife found out that I was having an affair, she wanted to immediately go to counseling and save our marriage.  She demanded that I stop seeing the other person and commit to a complete lifestyle change.  I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life or our marriage.  I asked her for some time to think about what I really wanted out of my marriage and my life.  She did not react well to this request.  She said that if I loved her and valued our marriage, I wouldn’t need any time to make a decision.  Am I out of line in asking for this time?  I just want to move slowly so that any choice I make is the right one.”

Here’s an example of a wife in the opposite situation: “my husband admitted to an affair because he wanted to tell me himself instead of my finding out from someone else.  He told me he would do whatever I needed him to do to restore my trust and to save our marriage.  I really wanted to believe him, but I’m hurting quite a bit.  I don’t think healing is going to be an easy or quick process.  And I have told him that I am going to need some time to do some thinking and some soul searching before I can give him an answer about our marriage.  But he doesn’t appear to be willing to accept this.  He wants my forgiveness and my commitment right away.  Am I wrong to want to take my time and process this?”

Actually, I advocate soul searching for both scenarios.  Emotions are high and confusion is common on the part of both parties.  Typically, decisions that are made too quickly or based on strong and immediate emotions after an affair can turn out to be unfortunate or unhealthy decisions.  But if you take your time and allow your decision-making process to shift and adjust as you get more information and begin to heal, then you can have more confidence that you have made a healthy and appropriate decision. I do understand that spouses and family members have a tendency to be impatient and critical when it’s clear that you are taking your time before making a decision, but sometimes, you have to do what is best for you rather than what someone else thinks is the best thing for them.

How To Handle It When Your Spouse Or Family Tries To Rush You When You Want The Time To Do Some Soul Searching:  Many people feel pressured when their hear criticism of their time frame.  Try to tell yourself that you need to do what is right for you and by doing so, you are increasing the odds of a healthy outcome.  Quite frankly, agreeing to something that you are uncomfortable with actually increases the odds that your marriage is going to suffer because you’re not really sure about your decision.  So if you are feeling some pressure from your spouse about your soul searching you might say something like: “I know that you’re frustrated and impatient, but my taking this time for myself is something that I feel strongly about.  I need to take my time to make sure that any decisions or actions are the right ones.  My emotions and doubts are running high right now and if a make a hasty decision, I’m afraid that I might make the wrong one.  I need time to process what is happening and to really listen to what I am thinking and feeling.  I’m also well aware that my feelings and wishes might change throughout this process so I don’t want to rush things.  I’m asking you to respect my need for time because I think that going at my own pace is going to make the outcome one that we are both much happier with.  If I were to go ahead and make a decision based on pressure, there would be resentment and doubt, which isn’t good for either of us.  I’m asking you to respect my request for time because you love me and want what is best for me and my marriage.”

Most spouses and family members who truly want the best for you will eventually come around and stop applying the pressure.  I adamantly believe that a slow pace and some soul-searching is best any time that you have any doubts or concerns.  Often, the best answers and resolutions come when you give yourself time to process and to determine what it is that you truly want.   In short, it’s never a waste of time to take all the time that you need.

I feel strongly that you should never allow yourself to be pressured to work under someone else’s time frame.  I realize that my recovery after my husband’s affair may have taken longer than some, but I also know that the slow pace ensured a lasting and strong outcome.  Our marriage is actually very solid and loving.  I do believe that not rushing things contributed to our success.  If it helps, you can read about the pace we took when saving our marriage after his affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Soul Searching After Cheating Or An Affair: Why It’s Not A Waste Of Time

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives see their husband’s mistress or “other woman” very clearly and realistically when their husband just can’t do the same.  Many wives feel that the other woman is a gold digger, an opportunist, or a person of extremely low integrity, but they don’t know how to make their husband see or understand the same information.

Someone might explain: “as soon as my husband admitted to cheating, I went on a campaign to find out who the other woman was.  At first, he didn’t want to tell me but I assured him that I would find out eventually because I wasn’t going to give up until I did.  As a result, he gave me a name but wouldn’t offer any more information.  So I hired someone to do a background check on her.  And just I suspected, she’s not who she claims to be.  She told my husband she has never been married when in fact she has been married three times.  She told my husband she has never had children, when in fact she has two kids who have been taken from her.  She has filed for bankruptcy and is in tons of debt.  I know that this woman is going to take advantage of my husband and will try to benefit from him financially. How can I expose her for who she truly is?  Should I just demand that my husband look at the information that the investigator gave to me? Because at this point my husband is obsessed with the other woman and he doesn’t want to listen to anything negative that I have to say about her.”

This is a tough situation.  If the wife kept quiet, her husband was likely to be taken advantage of.  But when she tried to offer up information, the husband didn’t want to hear it because he thought she was just making things up or saying things just to end the husband’s affair.  So he ended up seeing his wife as the bad person in the whole scenario. In situations such as these, you have to make a decision as to whether the information you have is something that might harm your husband if you keep it quiet.  And then you have to decide how you are going to communicate the information so that it has the best chance of actually making an impact.

I would suggest treading lightly, but also being honest.  A suggested script might be something like: “listen, I wanted to know who I was dealing with so I did some background research on her.  What I found concerned me very much.  She has lied to you on multiple topics.  She’s been divorced three times and she’s a mother of two who has had her children taken away.  She is bankrupt and heavily in debt.  I know that you might be angry that I researched her.  But this is a professional job and I have records and proof when or if you want to see them.  I couldn’t sit by and withhold this information from you because you have the right to know the truth.  I realize that you might not be ready to know the truth right now, but, when you are, the information will be here for you.”

It’s not uncommon for husbands to be quite defensive in this situation, especially in the beginning.   They don’t want to believe that this woman’s interest in them is purely financial or selfish.  Sometimes, he will become angry with you or out and out refuse to hear what you have to say.  But, over time, many husbands will have this information nag at them and they may do their own research and learn that you’ve told them the truth.  And when this happens, often over time, their anger will turn toward her instead of toward you.

Unfortunately, your husband’s reactions and his feelings are really outside of your control.  All you can really control right now is whether you chose to share this information and how you chose to do it.  My advice would be to handle it with dignity and respect.  Don’t say it in a hurtful way that implies that your husband is stupid or deserves what he is getting.  Take the tone that you are telling him because you care and because he doesn’t deserve the deception that is happening to him.

I know that it’s tempting to take special pleasure in telling him what a low-quality person this other woman is, but try to use some restraint so that you are better off in the long term.  As much as he might posture otherwise, this information is probably going to hurt him.  In fact, both of you will likely have some hurt to overcome in the days to come.  Overcoming the affair can be a long process, but it can be worth it in the end.  If it helps, you can read my story of recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Want To Expose The Other Woman For Who She Really Is. How Can I Do This?

By: Katie Lersch:  Both wives and women who cheat with married men wonder why unfaithful men claim that their wives do not understand them.  Common comments from the “other woman” are things like: “the man who I have been cheating with told me that his wife is cold and unfeeling.  He says that she doesn’t understand him and doesn’t appreciate his stress.  So in my mind, I pictured her as this ice queen.  And then I saw them out together but they didn’t see me.  They were laughing and she had her arm around him.  She certainly didn’t seem uncaring to me.  It makes me wonder if he is lying about her characterization.”

Common comments from the wife are things like: “my husband had an affair with a coworker with whom I am an acquaintance.  When I confronted this woman about cheating with my husband, she told me that my husband told her that I didn’t care about what he was going through at work and that I didn’t understand his struggles or what he needed.  This is so ridiculous.  I am a great listener.  And I always make a point to ask him about his work and listen to what he says.  Why would he tell this woman complete lies about me and my marriage?”  I’ll try to address both sets of concerns in the following article.

Cheating Men Often Claim That Their Wives Don’t Understand Them As A Way To Justify The Infidelity To Themselves And Others:   If you were to isolate any of these men and confront them about their claims, many of them will look at you with a completely straight face and tell you that they are being truthful.  Honestly, in the beginning stages of the cheating or the recovery, they seem to believe what they are saying even if everyone else will insist that their wife is attentive and understanding.   And I think the reason for this is that they have a very vested interest in believing what they say.  In order to act and to cheat, they will often need justification for themselves and for the other person.  An easy justification is to place the blame for their own actions onto their wife.  After all, what man is going to say “well, I’m cheating because I’m a man without integrity who is perfectly willing to betray a wife who is indeed loving and attentive. ” No one wants to admit or believe this about themselves.  Instead, they want to believe that they are acting with plenty of justification.

Men Will Often Cheat In  A Vulnerable Time In Their Lives When They Distort Reality Or Use Avoidance Behavior:  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that men often cheat in a time of very high stress or loss.  Often, instead of facing or dealing with their problems head-on, they will use the cheating as a diversion or as a chance to  make themselves feel better.  Often saying that his wife doesn’t understand him is one additional way that he isn’t facing reality or trying to solve a problem in an inappropriate way rather than seeing what is the real issue.

How To Handle It If Your Husband Is Claiming He Cheated Because You Didn’t Understand Him:  First of all, I know that it’s very tempting to just think he is a horrible liar who is unappreciative of all of the understanding that you have shown him which he is now choosing to ignore.  If you want to save your marriage, try to ask yourself if there is any validity at all to his claims.  Although I still insist that I was a great wife, now that I have some distance, I can admit that things weren’t perfect in our marriage and some of this was my doing.  However, it was a while before I was willing to see this.  But accepting this has had a huge positive effect on our marriage.  So, if there is any validity at all to what he is saying that you can use for positive change, please consider doing that.

Also, keep in mind what I’ve said above.  He’s likely trying to justify his behavior which leads him to make unrealistic claims.  Nothing says that you can’t communicate that this has hurt you, but I don’t think adding on another huge problem is going to change things.  You may something like: “I know that you’ve made claims that I didn’t understand you and that’s very hurtful to me.  In my own mind, I was a good and attentive wife.  Once some time has passed and we’ve both calmed down, I’d like to discuss your perceptions and how those might inspire some changes to improve our marriage.  With that said, I’d like for you to also take a look back and ask yourself how accurate your portrayal of me really is.”

You’re trying to diffuse the situation but you are still calling him on his claims and you are laying the groundwork for making improvements in the future.  You’re also asking to reevaluate.  At this point, your husband might offer some apologies or insights that might help to move you forward so that you can work through this issue.   And if he doesn’t, this doesn’t mean that once he has some time and distance, he won’t see things differently in the future.  But please understand that you don’t have to take his claims as truth.  Men who cheat will often make every attempt to justify their actions, even if they do not realize that they are doing this at the time.

Early on in our reconciliation, my husband did offer up some justifications for his behavior.  I didn’t accept most of them and still don’t.  But taking an honest look at both of our feelings did eventually help us to improve our marriage.  It was important for me to voice that I disagreed with his assessment and this did open up a dialog that eventually helped us to begin to move forward.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of our reconciliation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Do Husbands Cheat Or Have Affairs And Say Their Wife Doesn’t Understand?

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives see their husband in a new and completely unflattering way after they find out that he cheated or had an affair.  Some adjectives I hear wives use to describe their husbands are words like creepy, disgusting, repulsive, perverted, or deviant. One might say said: “I have found out that my husband had an affair with a low life he met at a bar.  I am just repulsed by his behavior.  My husband is well thought of in our community and now I found out that he was cruising bars and that he met this woman at a disgusting hotel for sex.  That mental picture is one that I will never get out of my head.  To be quite honest, I find my husband completely disgusting right now.  The idea of sleeping with him turns my stomach.  I see him as a perverted loser.  Will my feelings ever change?  Because I have two kids to consider.  I will try to address these questions in the following article.

It’s Normal To Be Disgusted By Your Husbands Behavior:  Some wives who say that they find their husbands disgusting or creepy after his affair are really disgusted by the behavior rather than the person. It’s very understandable to project that disgust for the actions onto the person.  But sometimes, this passes and the wives are eventually able to see the difference between the two.  With that said, some wives just aren’t able to reconcile this conflict.  And frankly, sometimes the only way to see which category you are going to fall into is to just give it a little time.

What Can You Do When You’re Repulsed By Your Husband After His Infidelity:  The wife in this situation was so torn because of her children.  She didn’t want to banish her children’s father from their lives.  And, quite frankly, the pain was still fresh so she was right in not making any rash or quick decisions.   In situations such as these, when you can’t even stand the sight of this man, it can be advisable to take a break from the situation.   Sometimes, this means that one of you stays with friends and family for a while until you get a greater perspective.  In this case, the wife didn’t want to disrupt her kids’ home life, so another alternative might be to sleep in separate bedrooms and to steer clear of one another for a while.  The wife could make it very clear that she needed some distance and some time for herself and, if this request was not respected, she’d have no choice but to remove herself from the situation for a little while.

Sometimes the distance can help the feelings of disgust to wane and other times, they do not wane, but giving yourself this space is one way to find out if your feelings are going to change over time.

Will I Ever Look At Him The Same Way Again?  Will My Disgust Go Away?:  I can’t answer this question with certainty because everyone is different.   Often, this depends on how heinous the husband’s actions truly were.  I can tell you from experience that in my own situation, over a very gradual period of time, I was eventually able to remember the good attributes of my husband in the past and this counted for something.  Over time, when I thought of my husband, I wasn’t only thinking of the recent bad experience.   And I think a lot of the time, this happens once true healing has taken place.  Once you begin to heal, you no longer want or need to focus solely on the negative.

Over time, I remembered how my husband supported me for many years while I raised our children.  I remembered how he stayed with my sick grandfather around the clock during cancer treatment.  I remembered how he worked tirelessly to make furniture for our children’s bedrooms by hand.  And this does matter to me in the end and helped to balance some of the negative memories I had developed.   So while I couldn’t tell this wife if her own feelings would change in the future, I would suggest that she just observe and respect her feelings, take a break if she needed it, and focus on healing.  Because, no matter what ultimately happens with your husband, healing is the first step toward making positive feelings and memories possible. And whether you continue to be married or not, you deserve to maintain a positive outlook.

I can identify with this wife.  I thought my husband’s actions were absolutely repulsive and disgusting after his affair.  And, on the rare occasion that I think about it today, I can have negative feelings sometimes.  But as I mentioned before, there was a lot of good in the past to balance the negative.  And once healing began, I was able to focus more on that and less on what was holding me back.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Find My Husband Disgusting After His Affair.

By: Katie Lersch: Understandably, many wives want their husbands to “pay” or “suffer” for cheating or having an affair.  Many can focus on little else but getting revenge or on making their husbands gravely sorry for cheating.  One might say: “my husband cheated on me with a much younger woman.  I am so furious.  I want him to truly suffer for doing this.  I don’t want him to have a moment’s peace in his life.  I want him to live with regret and to wonder every day how he could be so stupid.  I don’t want a divorce because a divorce would make things too easy for him.  I want him to have to look at my face every day and wonder how he could hurt me as I did.  But my friend says my feelings aren’t healthy.  Is she right?  Because I can’t help feeling this way.”   I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Although Wanting Him To Suffer Is Understandable, It Sometimes Hurts You As Much As It Hurts Him:  As a wife who has dealt with infidelity, I absolutely understand wanting to make him feel intense regret. He has hurt you very deeply.  In fact, very few things hurt this much. However, placing your focus on bringing about suffering can bring you down right along with him.  This is especially true if you want to save your marriage, as this wife was saying that she did.   I’m going to give you some things to think about.  Please don’t think that I’m insensitive.  I’m just trying to be practical as someone who has been there.

I can tell you that trying to save your marriage after an affair is very difficult.  You spend a lot of time worrying if you are ever going to happy again.  Sometimes, your greatest wish is to just have things feel normal again.  You’d give anything for a day where you and your husband could enjoy one another’s company without thinking about or worrying about the infidelity.  But you can start to wonder if this is even remotely possible.

Thin about it for a second.  If you spend huge amounts of time making sure that your husband is suffering or feeling pain and sorrow, how likely is it that your marriage is going to feel normal, or happy, or even as if it’s on the way to recovery?  To be quite honest about, if you place your focus on making your husband suffer, you are likely to feel pain right along with him if you intend to stay married.  His lack of fulfillment and happiness is going to make you doubt his commitment to you and to your marriage.  This isn’t the way to recover or be happy again.

Wanting Him To Feel Remorse Versus Wanting Him To Suffer:  I suspect that many wives who say that they want their husbands to suffer really mean that they want him to feel true remorse.  In other words, they want him to be so sorry, that he will think twice about being unfaithful again.  They want him to fully understand how destructive his actions were so that he will not repeat the behavior.   This is different than wanting your husband to suffer a life sentence of misery within your marriage.

Of course, you want him to feel sorrow and remorse for how he has hurt you.  But, at the end of the day, you probably want healing and closure to come out of this whole situation so that you are able to move on and be happy again.  This can’t happen if you continue to focus on pain and misery.

Sometimes, when I explain this to wives, they will tell me that they still want him to suffer even if this means that they are no longer married to them.  I do understand the sentiment, but even if you divorce this man, don’t you deserve to move on and to fully live your life?  You haven’t really moved on if you are still placing your focus on him – even if your focus is meant to ensure his misery or suffering.  So while I do understand the inclination to make him feel the pain that you feel, I want you to understand that it probably isn’t the healthiest place to put your focus.   The healthy place for your focus is on your own healing and your own happiness.  Quite frankly, his actions are going to have repercussions without your needing to do anything.  Men quite often do feel sorrow and remorse on their own.  And when we attempt to bring about more misery, they will often try to make you out to be the bad guy to help to justify your actions and honestly, this is the last thing that you want.  And, if you conduct yourself with dignity, not only will you begin to heal, but the chances are better that he will feel that remorse and sorrow that you are looking to see.

I admit there was a time when I wanted my husband to feel intense emotional pain for cheating on me.  But over time, I came to learn that the more I focused on his negative feelings, the less I was able to experience positive feelings or peace.  Once I let go of my need for revenge, it was as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and this made recovery and healing possible.  If it helps, you can read the story of my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Want My Husband To Suffer For His Cheating, Affair, And Infidelity

By: Katie Lersch: Many are worried about their husband’s behaviors after he cheated or had an affair.  They sincerely hope for a husband who is willing to do anything necessary to make things right again, but this isn’t always what happens.  Instead, many husbands will sulk, pout, or isolate themselves.  The wives often aren’t sure how to react or what to do.

She might explain:  “I caught my husband having an affair a month ago.  When I confronted him, he was very unhappy that I was spying on him and he tried to make me the villain in the situation.  Once that didn’t work, he very begrudgingly agreed to end the affair and try to save our marriage.  However, although he has broken things off with the other woman, he sulks around the house like a kid who has been separated from his favorite toy.  He isolates himself so that he can go off and pout.  He hasn’t been attending our children’s activities and he will sit himself in his home office and only come out to eat or make phone calls.  What can I do about this?  And what does it mean when a husband isolates himself after an affair?”  I will try to address these questions in the following article.

Why Men Will Sometimes Isolate Themselves After Cheating Or Having An Affair:  Many wives assume that husbands isolate themselves as a means to retaliate against or punish the wife for spying or for her confrontation.  This isn’t always the case.  Some husbands isolate themselves because they are embarrassed or ashamed.  They aren’t sure how to act or what to say so they’d rather just remove themselves from an awkward situation.   Other times, they don’t feel that they deserve to be around their family.  They feel as if their presence brings everyone down and causes more pain so they tell themselves that they’ll save everyone the trouble and make themselves scarce.  Finally, sometimes they just want some time to collect themselves before they reintegrate within the family.

Is It Harmful For A Husband To Isolate Himself?:  It can be.  Some isolation from both husband and wife in the beginning stages after the affair is to be expected.  But if this is something that goes on for a long period of time, then it can be a problem, particularly if you truly want to save your marriage.  Because you can’t begin to rebuild or move on if you don’t have regular and open access to him.  Both people need to be open and willing to interact regularly as you rebuild.  If this isn’t happening, then recovery can be delayed or even thwarted.

How To Handle A Husband Who Isolates Himself After Infidelity:  In the above example, the wife had pretty much just let her husband isolate himself without comment.  I suggested that you address this issue the next time it happened.  Perhaps the next time the family had dinner, she might come into his office and ask if she should set a plate for him.  If he refused to interact with the family, she might say something like: “I’ve noticed that you’re isolating yourself from us.  This isn’t doing either of us any good.  I realize that things are a little weird for us right now, but we’re going to have to interact if we want to save our family.  I understand that this is uncomfortable for both of us and I’m willing to take this one step at a time.  But things aren’t going to get any better if we’re not actively trying each and every day.  I would like for you to come and eat dinner with us.  The kids miss you and you are their father.  They need your presence.   Don’t punish them because of our issues.   Let’s try to have a pleasant dinner and take it one step at a time.”

Another thing that you can do is to try not to make every encounter awkward or heavy.  Of course, things are going to be difficult sometimes, but try to only discuss the painful issues of the affair when the two of you are alone.  That way, your husband can feel safe to participate in family life without worrying that the affair is going to come up at any second. It can be important to separate family life from the affair so that the family isn’t negatively affected by something that is definitely not their fault.

I know that your husband isolating himself is probably just one issue that you are dealing with.  Recovery can be a slow process, but it can certainly be worth it.  I never would’ve believed it years ago, but my marriage and my family did recover after my husband’s affair and we are actually very solid now.  I don’t worry that he’s going to cheat again.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Is Isolating Himself From Our Family After He Cheating And Had An Affair