Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  Many people assume that an affair is all about sex.  I would even venture to say that most people think that cheating men must not have a great sex life at home so they are having to go elsewhere.   Sadly, many wives whose husbands are unfaithful believe this also. A wife might say, in part: “I caught my husband having an affair.  One of the first things I expressed was that I didn’t understand why he would cheat on me when our sex life was actually pretty good.  My husband responded that the affair actually didn’t have much to do with sex.  He said it was much more than sex.  This doesn’t make sense to me.  If he wasn’t cheating on me because of sex, then why would he cheat?  I think we had a good marriage.  We’re always been very close.  It’s true that my job has been stressful lately, but I didn’t see this coming.  I thought our marriage was pretty solid so my assumption was that he cheated for the sex.  But he denies this?  How can he be telling me the truth?”

Husbands Aren’t Always Lying When They Tell You The Infidelity Wasn’t Solely About The Sex:  As I said, the assumption is often that an affair is all about the passionate sex that the cheating spouse was not getting at home.  But if you research this topic or listen to many experts, you’ll find that this assumption just isn’t universally true.  Many people are looking for validation, appreciation, or a just someone to listen or understand them when they are most vulnerable to cheating.  This is why many affairs start in the workplace when people are working closely together.   This situation often sets the stage for your spouse feeling that someone else “gets” or “understands” them in a way that you don’t.  That other person might become their sounding board at work and then before you know it, your spouse is sharing their problems or the intimate details of their wife with someone other than you.   Yes, that relationship may eventually become sexual.  But it wasn’t the sex that was the attraction in the first place.  It was the feeling of comradery and that feeling that they are in things together that develops over time.  It is sometimes due to the fact that she has the time to listen to him and show him appreciation because she is with him all day and doesn’t have to be burdened with the responsibility of running a household.

Although An Affair Isn’t Always Solely About Sex, Know That Sex Does Play A Role:  With all of the above said, some husbands will tell you that the relationship wasn’t centered on sex because they know that once you get those mental images in your head, they will be very difficult to remove.  So, they want to turn your attention away from that aspect of it.   They don’t want you dwelling on this part of it.   Sure, the relationship may not have started as a sexual one and they may not have been its focus.  But if sex was not a part of it, then that aspect of the relationship would not have continued.   So as much as it might not have been the primary attraction, it was part of the relationship.

How To Respond When Your Husband Assures You His Infidelity Wasn’t All About Sex:  To be quite honest, many women would rather think that betrayal was a sexual one.  The thinking behind this goes something like this: if the only thing between them was sex, then once that part is over, he should be able to move on.   And if this were the case, the wife could tell herself that even though he cheated, his heart was still with her.  But if the relationship was centered on emotions or a closeness not fueled by sex, then this complicates matters.  Many wives aren’t sure how to respond when their husband makes such claims.  A suggested script might be something like: “to be honest, whether it was all about sex or not, you still had sex.  It is still a betrayal.  No matter how the relationship started or what was its main focus, it is still a huge betrayal and a difficult blow to your marriage.  In order for us to heal, I will need your firm commitment that you are going to completely cut off all contact and focus on doing whatever is necessary to save our marriage.”

In this way, you are not allowing him to use this as an excuse or to divert your attention away from the physical aspect of their relationship.  So to answer the question that was asked of me, men often say that the infidelity wasn’t just about sex because that is their truth.  An affair is often much more complex than that and as such, recovery can be as complex.

In the beginning stages of my recovery from the affair, the sexual aspect of it was pretty important to me.  But over time I came to realize that I was dealing mostly with semantics rather than betrayal itself and this realization changed the way I went about my recovery.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of my recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: Occasionally, husbands want to redefine the terms of their marriage after an affair.  Many will suggest concessions or changes as an alternative to them leaving the marriage.  One such example is husbands trying to convince their wife to have an “open” or “unconventional” marriage instead of breaking up or ending the marriage.

A wife might have a situation like this one: “my husband had an affair with a coworker.  He came and told me not only about the affair but also about his intense feelings for this other woman.   I expected him to ask me for a separation or a divorce, but he didn’t.  Instead, he has told me that he is in love with us both.  He says that he doesn’t want to leave his family but, at the same time, he can’t come to a decision when he has these strong feelings for both of us.   So he is proposing that we have an ‘open’ marriage while he continues to see her and be married to me.  This is obviously not what I want.  But I feel like if I refuse, he will divorce me and go and be with her anyway.  How am I supposed to respond to this?”

This is an extremely difficult situation.  There were children involved and this was a long-term marriage.   But, what the husband was asking of this wife just wasn’t fair.  I will discuss my take on this situation more in the following article.

Sometimes, A Husband Suggests An Open Marriage When He Can’t Decide Between The Other Woman And His Wife:  Many husbands will suggest this sort of compromise when they don’t know exactly what they want.  They figure that if they can continue on in the way that they are, an answer will eventually come to them.  And since you know about the other woman at this point, the marriage will have to be an ‘open’ one or else they will still be cheating.   In their minds, this situation can make a lot of sense, especially since they aren’t thinking very clearly at the time.

The thing is, this situation is horribly unfair to a wife.  She can’t attempt to save her marriage in any meaningful way when she’s having to worry about her husband constantly being with the other woman.    I know of very few wives who are fine with their husband having a relationship with someone else.  And while it’s true that there are some couples who chose to participate in open marriages, most do so openly and from early on, not after an affair comes out into the open.

How To Respond When Your Husband Asks For An Open Marriage After The Affair:  Unless this is fine with you, I’d suggest speaking up quickly.  This is typically not a situation that is healthy for you or for your marriage.  Your husband might think he’s getting a great deal out of it, but frankly, allowing him to have relationships with both women doesn’t help him come to a decision. If anything, he doesn’t have an incentive to make any sort of decision because he’s having both relationships at once.  If this is a situation you don’t want to live with, I’d suggest a script of something like: “no, that isn’t going to work for me.  A marriage involves two people, not three.  And we are still married.  If you’re unsure about what you want to do, then that is another situation altogether.  You can let me know when you have come to a decision, but I won’t take part in a relationship of three.  Maybe while you are taking time to think about what you want, I will work on myself and on determining what I want.  But I’m pretty clear that I don’t want a marriage in which my spouse is being intimate with others.”

Believe it or not, some husbands will come around after having this conversation because he figured what was the harm in throwing the idea out there to see if you would agree.  Once he sees that you’re not having it, he may decide to drop it.   With that said, some husbands will claim that they are ending the relationship and then they will continue to carry on behind your back.  So you have to be very careful about accountability.  Counseling can be very helpful in this situation also.

Many wives share that they are so torn and heartbroken in this situation.  They are scared to give their husband ultimatums but they can’t live with sharing him with someone else.  I would argue that sharing him with someone else isn’t really holding onto him at all.    Frankly, men in this situation aren’t being encouraged to respect their wives because they are pretty much calling all of the shots.  And they aren’t showing a great deal of commitment to the marriage when they are so willing to devalue it by making it “open.”

In my own situation, allowing my husband to continue the relationship was not something that I ever could have tolerated, but everyone is different.  If you find yourself in this situation, I would suggest considering what you truly want out of your marriage.  Because you deserve to have your wishes met just as much as he does.  And frankly, it’s my opinion that your husband would perhaps show you more respect if you asserted those wishes.   You have just as much right to create your own path as he does.

As I said, I could not have lived with an open marriage after the infidelity.  Saving my marriage after the affair was hard enough without the other person being present.  And, the reconciliation process is so important to the future of your marriage.  I took this process very seriously and my marriage is actually quite strong today. If it helps, you can read about our recovery process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives think that if they can just get their husband to finally admit to the affair, they can finally start the healing process, or at least can begin moving on.  But often, once they finally get that admission, they aren’t sure what they should do next.

A wife might explain: “for the longest time, I knew that my husband must be cheating on me.  All of the signs were there and also, I just knew in my gut that something was very different and very wrong.  But every time I asked my husband about this, he would deny it.  Sometimes, he would get very angry and he would make me out to be crazy or paranoid.  This was a horrible time in my life because I began to ask myself if perhaps I was just imagining things.  One day, I decided I wasn’t going to take this anymore and I told my husband that I wasn’t going to drop the topic until he finally told me the truth.  Much to my surprise, he finally did.  Out of the blue, after months of denials, he finally admitted to an affair, but he said that he didn’t tell me because it had long been over.  Although I’d been rehearsing this moment in my own head for months, I wasn’t sure what to do.  I just walked out of the room and we haven’t broached the subject since.  What do I do now that I finally have an admission?  Because I’m lost and unsure. I’m disappointed in myself because I feel like I’m not handling this very well.”

I believe that what this wife was experiencing was absolutely normal.   We all think or assume that we will react in one way to a situation, but when the situation is staring us in the face, then the answers elude us and, in a sense, we are frozen.   It’s as if our worst nightmare has suddenly come true.  And this is why there is absolutely no harm in taking your time in order to get your bearings, which I’ll discuss below.

Don’t Rush Or Push Yourself.  Nothing Says You Need To Make A Snap Decision:   There is a lot to consider in this situation and typically, a lot of information and feelings are coming at you all at one time.  It’s very easy (and understandable) to feel overwhelmed by these feelings and to want some relief.  That’s why it can be tempting to feel as if you need to make a quick decision.  You truly don’t.  Nothing needs to change overnight.  In fact, I would argue that you are more likely to make a regrettable decision if you make it when you are in such turmoil.   Give yourself the luxury of time.

Now, sometimes your husband will panic and will try to rush you to forgive him or to share what you might be feeling or considering.  There is nothing wrong with telling him that, at this time, you just don’t know.  You can tell him that you will let him know when and if you do have answers, but right now, you are giving yourself the time to process what is happening and where you want to go from here.  You most certainly deserve that.  And don’t let anyone pressure you to shortchange this process.

Worry More About What You Want To Happen Rather Than About What You Or Others Think Should Happen:  For whatever reason, people seem to feel fully justified in giving a hurting wife their unsolicited opinion during infidelity.  Your friends, your family, your coworkers, and even your husband or his family might feel totally free to give you their opinions on what you should do.  (That’s why I often advocate being very careful who you share this information with.)   It can be easy to listen to these people who truly do care about you.  But, the thing is, this is your life.  It is not theirs.  Try to worry the most about your own thoughts and feelings because you are the one who is going to have to live with the consequences.  Live your own truth, not anyone else’s.

Having said that, I have to warn you that your feelings may fluctuate.  One minute, you may want to leave your husband and end your marriage.  And the next minute, you might desperately want to work things out.  This is normal also.  That’s why you should be in no hurry to make any lasting decisions.  There is nothing wrong with waiting and watching your husband’s behaviors or evaluating your feelings and wishes as they come.  And, as you find that your feelings and wishes become more constant and persuasive, then you can have more confidence that you are making an authentic choice not overly influenced by shock and pain.

Reserve The Right To Reevaluate As Things Improve, Change Or Worsen: Understand The Opportunities That Might Not Be Immediately Obvious:  Often, it’s very difficult to make any decisions until you watch and evaluate.  In other words, you don’t know at this moment if you’ll go to counseling or if that counseling will work.  You can’t foresee how much rehabilitation your husband will undergo or if you will be happy with the same.  You can’t see how your marriage will look and feel in the future.   That’s why it’s perfectly OK to tell yourself that you can make decisions as you go and receive more information.  Your healing likely won’t be linear.   So give yourself a break and don’t feel as if you’re not making progress when sometimes you are and it’s just not yet evident.  Just vow to do the things that are going to bring about improvements and relief.  And be flexible enough to discard the things that aren’t working.  If you don’t like your counselor, give yourself permission to find another or to go another way.

I know that it may not be obvious right now, but sometimes this really is an opportunity to evaluate what you want from your life and your marriage moving forward.  And sometimes, this brings about positive and lasting change that might not have otherwise happened.  Make sure you are gentle with yourself.  You didn’t ask for this.  It isn’t your fault.  But it’s up to you to get yourself what you need to heal.  Sometimes, that’s not an easy process, but it’s usually worth it in the end.  So, to answer the question posed, I can’t tell you precisely what to do if you have an admission, but I can advise you from experience to take things slowly and to make your own needs as important as anyone else’s.  This is often a gradual process that changes and evolves over time. Take it day by day and understand that if you are clear about what you want and need, you will sometimes eventually see some changes that turn out to actually be beneficial to you.

Although I was tempted to make snap decisions after my husband admitted to an affair, I chose instead to take things day by day.  I’m glad I didn’t automatically decide to leave my marriage because we were able to save it and it’s actually quite good today.   The recovery wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it.  If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many women have no desire to resume sexual relationships with a husband after he has had an affair.  Some are acting out of anger and others want to teach their husband a lesson.  Withholding sex can be a very deliberate decision made as a way to punish the husband for his actions.

A wife could say: “the idea of having sex with my husband right now is not at all appealing to me.  Because when I think about being intimate with him, I think about him being intimate with her and that is the biggest turn off in the world.   One of my friends has recently gone through this and she has told me that eventually, my desire will return.  She said that I will want to have sex with him again because this is part of the recovery process and it will bring us closer together when we start to reconcile.  Frankly, I have no intention of having sex with him again for a very long time.  I feel like if I withhold sex, he will be truly sorry for what he has done.  My friend says this is not a good idea.  Is she right?  Should I stop having sex with him because he had an affair?”

This is not an answer that I could give.  This is a very individual decision.  However having been through this myself, I do understand that after infidelity, the idea of sex is usually not one that is all that appealing.  Many wives feel pressured to have sex because they worry that if they are not fulfilling this need within my husband, then he’ll just go back to the other woman or find some other woman who will fulfill this need.  I don’t think it’s a good idea to allow yourself to feel pressured to be intimate.  Frankly, the sex isn’t all that good when this happens and usually a lot more resentment will build up as a result.  The wife feels as if she’s only an object and that her feelings don’t matter.  This isn’t good for either spouse.

Why I Don’t Think Withholding Sex For Punishment Is A Good Idea: On the flip side of the coin, many wives will take the opposite approach and will refuse to have sex with their husbands.  While I completely agree that you shouldn’t be intimate unless you want to, withholding this part of your marriage as a means to punish your husband can harm the relationship as much as the affair. Intimacy can be a way to reconnect and to begin to reestablish the trust.  If you hold this aspect of your relationship back or remove it all together, it may delay or thwart your healing and you will probably worry that your husband will remain faithful.  The bottom line for me is that you should allow your feelings and your intuition to be your guide.  You will likely know when the time is right and you shouldn’t compromise your wishes for anyone else.  You are allowed to move at your own pace.

Have Sex Again When You Are Ready And Know That It’s The Best Thing For Your Reconciling Relationship:  One of the most common questions that I hear is when is the right time to start resuming sex.  There is no set answer for every couple.  I usually tell people that they will know when the time is right.  Usually, this time comes after healing has begun.  It usually doesn’t happen until the wife begins to see some remorse and rehabilitation.  If you rush it, the experience might be an awkward or painful one.  But if you wait until the time is right for both of you, then you’ll usually have a good experience that ultimately helps in your healing.

There is no reason to rush this or to delay it.  Allow yourself to go at a natural pace, moving forward only when you are comfortable or sure.  Intimacy is a very special thing between two people.  It’s important to safeguard it rather than to manipulate it.  So to answer the question posed, I don’t believe that you should rush having sex again or allow yourself to be pressured into doing something that you are not ready to do.  With that said, if you know the time is right and you are comfortable, then I don’t feel that it’s a good idea to without intimacy simply to teach your husband a lesson or to punish him.  This can hurt your marriage, make you both resentful, and delay your healing.

I was in no hurry to have sex with my husband after his affair.  I trusted myself to know when the time was right.  My husband was probably not that thrilled about this, but he understood.  Waiting until we had begun our recovery was the right choice because I felt respected and in control and the outcome was a good one because I didn’t feel pressured or resentful.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: This may surprise you, but often one main concern after learning of a husband’s affair is not the wife’s own feelings but that of her husband.  If you were to ask very honest wives about their most immediate concern during the early days after the affair has been found out, many will tell you that they are most concerned not necessarily about sex, but about their husband’s emotional feelings.  They are concerned about how their husband still feels about them and what type of emotions he feels toward the other woman.

If you have never been the wife in this situation, this may seem quite odd to you.  But you have been there like I have, you likely know exactly what I mean.  You can be absolutely furious at your husband and unsure about the future of your marriage while at the same time worrying if this same man who betrayed you still loves you, as strange as that may sound.

And even though this process may sound odd, it actually makes complete sense to me.  That’s because love doesn’t turn off like a faucet or run dry like a fountain.  Disappointment or even pain doesn’t make it immediately stop.  Even if you think your husband doesn’t deserve your love, you may well still be feeling it.  And so it’s logical that you want him to feel this for you as well.

A wife might say: “part of me loathes my husband for having an affair.  There are days when I want absolutely nothing to do with him.  And then there are days when I don’t want to throw my marriage away.  This other woman isn’t worth that.  One mistake isn’t worth that.  The major problem that we are having now is that I have trouble believing him when he says he loves me now and that he never stopped loving me.   I will immediately have awful thoughts like he wasn’t thinking of his love for me when he was with another woman.  It’s so hard for me to understand how you can love someone at the same instance as you are betraying them.  And so a part of me is always wondering if my husband is lying.  And when I question this, he becomes angry at me and gets discouraged.  He says if I’m always going to doubt him, then we may as well just go ahead and get a divorce.  But I just can’t help it.  What can you do when you doubt your husband’s claims to still love you even though he had an affair?”

My answer to this question may sound very simplistic, but I hope that doesn’t keep you from continuing to read it.  The first thing I would say is that no one expects you to just blindly believe what he says right now.  After all, he hasn’t been telling you the entire truth all along.  So, it is completely natural (and even in your best interest sometimes) to have a healthy dose of doubt and to not just accept his claims as truth.  With that said, you do have the ability to test his claims.  After all, if he is being truthful and truly does love you, then it’s likely that he will remain committed to you, your marriage, and to working things out.  Nothing says you can’t hang in there and see if his claims end up being true.

Another point that I’d like to make is that it is up to you as to whether you give your husband a chance to prove this to you.  I mean, he can claim whatever he wants.  But it is his actions and his behaviors that are truly indicative of how he feels about you.  If he does his very best to help you heal and to become the husband that you want and need, if he does his best to improve and rehabilitate himself, and if he stays true to his commitments to you, then these things would be a pretty good indication that he indeed does love you.

Hear me out when I say that often, we doubt his love for us because our own doubts about ourselves are bothering us as well.  This certainly isn’t your fault, but being cheated on can truly challenge any confidence that you may have.  And as you struggle with your self-esteem and self-worth, it becomes much easier to doubt someone’s love for you.  It becomes much easier to see your flaws rather than to embrace your strengths.  You must always remind yourself that you are the same person you always were and if he can’t see this, then that is his loss.  The trouble is, often he DOES see this.  It is us who has the doubts.

So take a look at your own insecurities and doubts and ask yourself if strengthening your self-esteem might help you with this.   Finally, for wives who have trouble believing in their husband’s love after an affair, I would suggest that you decide if you’re going to give him the opportunity to prove his love for you.  And, if you chose that you are going to give him that chance, then do everything in your power to make it count.  If you need to do some self-help to boost your self-esteem, this is worth it because not only will it make you feel much better, it will give your marriage a fighting chance.  It may seem very simplistic but if you make a very dedicated effort to love yourself and to see where you are lovable, you will have a much easier time believing that he sees the same thing.

To be quite honest, I thought my husband was a liar when he claimed he loved me after his affair. But once I educated myself on why affairs happen and how to heal from them, I realized that I might be selling myself short.  I vowed to do whatever it took to raise my self-esteem and this made a huge difference in both my marriage and in my life.  If it helps, you can read that whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Some people feel very justified in their cheating.  And the spouses of those people want to know if those justification arguments are valid.  The truth is, it is very common for people to feel as if there were circumstances that almost excused or justified their cheating.  Common circumstances that I’ll hear are a loveless or sexless marriage, a spouse who is emotionally or physically absent, or a spouse who has “let themselves go.”

A wife might explain: “my husband says he was fully justified in cheating on me and therefore will not take full responsibility for his actions. He also doesn’t appear to be all that sorry for his cheating.  I will admit that I wasn’t keeping up with him sexually.  If my husband had his way, we would have sex every night.  Last year, I was going through some health and family problems and my libido was much lower than his.  He would constantly complain that he was getting enough sex and that, when we did have sex, it wasn’t very exciting or adventurous.  When he would say things like this, it would make me angry.  So I would make comments like ‘why don’t you go out and find someone who satisfies you then?’  Needless to say, my husband took this to heart and did just that.  He started cheating with women he met at bars.  When I found out, I was furious and devastated.  But my husband doesn’t understand this and says that I pretty much gave him permission to cheat on him when I wasn’t interested in sex and when I had let myself go.  I wasn’t serious when I told him he should go somewhere else.  I just wanted him to drop the subject.  So who is right? Is there every any valid justification to cheat on your spouse? He says he wants to save our marriage, but when he tries to justify his cheating, it just infuriates me and I want nothing to do with him.”

I have a definite opinion on this. And I will freely admit that it is not a very objective one.  As a spouse who has been cheated on, I do not think that there is ever any valid justification to cheat.  I do understand that sometimes people can feel so unhappy that they want to take drastic action.  I do understand feeling so frustrated that you feel that you might burst.  But, there are always different paths that you might take before you take the action to cheat.  In this case, the husband did bring up his dissatisfaction to his wife, but he left it at that.  As soon as he didn’t get the reaction or actions that he wanted, he chose to cheat rather than to continue to talk about it, to suggest compromises, to seek counseling, or to suggest a separation or a divorce.

I understand that plenty of folks are going to disagree with me and that is fine.  Others will probably argue that this is an easy side for me to take since I was the cheated on and not the cheater.  This might be true.  But I firmly believe that no matter how frustrated or unhappy I was, I would either pursue another way or I would end my marriage before I was intimate with someone else.  This is only my opinion of course.  Everyone is entitled to their own and it certainly may be different than mine.  I would also argue that placing the blame shouldn’t be your primary concern if you truly want to heal, which leads me to my next point.

How Much Does Justification For The Cheating Really Matter?: I fully understand that the person who was cheated on might dwell a good deal on their spouse’s attempts to justify their cheating.  Likewise, the spouse who cheated will often use the justification as a defense mechanism.  After all, who wants to place the blame firmly on their own shoulders for something that is so damaging?

I would argue that eventually, all of the justifications and excuses do not matter as much as the healing.  And quite honestly, often the cheating spouse will initially attempt to justify their actions, but then back off on this once they see how much this hurts their spouse.  And sometimes, when they have some time to clearly think about their actions, they will see just how wrong and misguided they truly were.  Often, this whole cycle just takes time.

What often becomes more important than the justification is whether or not both parties are open to healing.  Because the justifications can and often do change and sometimes, your outrage at the same will stop you from even stepping up to the plate and beginning the healing.  Believe me, I do understand the outrage that comes along with these justifications, but don’t let this stop you from placing your focus on your own healing and your own ability to move on.

So to answer the question posed, I personally don’t think there’s ever any justification for cheating.  But, I also know that getting stuck on this issue can keep you from healing, which is much more important than worrying about who is most right and who is most wrong.  Even though my position on this is clear, I don’t think that it’s any one’s best interest to be so rigid that this is the only issue that is addressed.  I was always very clear in my opinion that my husband had no justification whatsoever for cheating on me, but this didn’t keep me from reconciling with him and saving my marriage.  If it helps, you can read our recovery story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Some wives are very surprised at their husband’s reaction after he has been caught having an affair. Many had assumed that if they ever found out that their husband was cheating, that they were going to absolutely furious. When or if this doesn’t happen, they can be quite confused as to why this has occurred.

One of these wives could say: “my husband came to me and admitted to an affair. He said that he couldn’t live in secrecy anymore and he wanted to tell me before I found out and ended our marriage. He promised to end things with the other woman and he was crying and carrying on. For a while, I just sat there silently because I had no idea how to react. I was so shocked that I was pretty speechless. I assumed that the anger would come, but so far, it hasn’t. I’m honestly just kind of numb. There’s some sadness. And there is definitely some disappointment. But I’m not really furious. At least not yet. Does this mean something? Does my lack of anger mean that my marriage is over? Does it mean that I don’t love my husband? Does it mean that I feel guilty for letting my marriage and myself go?”

These questions were really hard to answer. I do have some theories as to why you may not feel the anger that you may have expected. I will discuss some of them below.

Sometimes The Anger Comes With The Passage Of Time: The wife was right in suspecting that she was likely shocked. Sometimes, you are just so stunned that a strong emotional reaction isn’t possible because it ends up being delayed. Sometimes, things will seem quite calm and flat and then, seemingly out of nowhere, you will suddenly feel the fury that you’ve been expecting all along. And sometimes, this anger comes out when you least expect it. I can remember feeling absolute fury at my husband at times when he was actually being sweet and trying to make amends. I remember feeling that I would have loved his behavior if I wasn’t doubting it. Because for a while after the affair, I always wondered if his sweetness was really sincere. And then I would get angry at him for even creating the situation. Sometimes, recovery is bittersweet. You will actually be happy at the moment, and then all of a sudden you will remember the affair and you’re suddenly angry and let down again. This is unfortunate but normal.

Some Wives Are Just Numb. And Sometimes, This Is A Defense Mechanism: I sometimes hear from wives who tell me that they are just numb. They swear they aren’t feeling much of anything. Sometimes, you close yourself off from your feelings because they are hurtful and problematic. Perhaps subconsciously, you worry that if you let your feelings out, they are going to be painful and overwhelming. Your thoughts might tell you that if you let go, you might be rendered in the fetal position on the bedroom floor. But if you stay numb, at least you can function. Not only that but staying numb allows you to feel as if you are in control. And when your husband has an affair, you can feel a real loss of control. After all, you didn’t do anything wrong. But, as unfair as it is, you can feel as if you are now at the mercy of his actions. This can leave you feeling that your life is a mess and out of control through no fault of your own. But, if you can at least control your feelings or keep them reigned in, this can sometimes feel empowering.  The problem, of course, is that if you don’t release your feelings, they are going to build and build until they begin to manifest themselves in negative ways.

If You Are Still Invested In Your Marriage, Look For Constructive Ways to Release Any Anger You Might Have: Many wives suspect that they are not angry because they just don’t care about their husband or their marriage since he jeopardized those same marriage vows. I suppose this is possible, but I often have my doubts about this. Even if you aren’t sure about your husband or your marriage anymore, it’s normal (and even healthy) to be angry when someone hurts and betrays you.

That’s why I think that it can be helpful to journal when you’re worried about your feelings or lack of them. Just write whatever comes to your mind, and you’ll often find that it eventually all comes pouring out. And when it does, it’s quite the relief.

Many wives ask if they should try to force their anger or even if they should worry about it. I don’t think it’s healthy to force anything. But I do think it’s best just to be open, still and to allow whatever feelings come as they will. Dealing with an affair is difficult. You don’t need to evaluate or apologize for anything that you are or are not feeling.

So to answer the question posed, a lack of anger after an affair can mean a few different things, including a need for control, a numbness, or a delayed reaction. But it certainly doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that any of this is your fault.  And it doesn’t always have implications for your marriage or your ability to save it.

Expressing and feeling anger was not really an issue for me after my husband’s affair, but reigning it in was.  Sometimes, my anger clouded our ability to heal.  So, I had to learn more constructive ways to deal with it and then to release it. This helped quite a bit in my healing.  If it helps, you can read the story of that healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Some wives want to explore various ways to confront their husband about his infidelity and in order to heal so that they can save their marriage. Occasionally though, some wonder if it’s wise to just ignore the infidelity in the hopes that it will eventually go away.

One of these curious wives might say: “I know that my husband is cheating on me.  I even know who the other woman is.  I also know that he could never become serious about someone like her.  My husband lost his job and then lost his father over the span of only two months. So I know that he is really struggling right now and I suspect that his infidelity is the direct result of this.  The other day, I discussed this with my husband’s sister and she said that I should just ignore the cheating because she is sure that my husband will stop it in his own time.  She says that she knows that my husband loves me and will stop cheating as soon as he gets over losing his job and his dad.  I don’t know how I feel about this.  I remember when my daughter was a toddler, my pediatrician told me to ignore the bad behavior (like tantrums) that I didn’t want and to praise the good behavior that I did want.  This worked well with my daughter, but I don’t know if that advice is applicable here.  Is it ever a good idea to ignore your husband’s infidelity?”  I will tell you my take on this in the following article.

It Is Your Decision As To Whether Or Not To Ignore The Infidelity, But If You Do, You Forgo Your Ability To Ask Him To Help You Heal:   I couldn’t make this decision for this wife.  Only she could determine the best choice for her.  However, it is my opinion that when you don’t confront your husband and put the topic of the infidelity on the table, then you are denying yourself the opportunity to fully heal.  Because you cannot heal if you can’t even say what is happening out loud.

In order to rebuild the trust and the intimacy, you are going to need to be open and honest with one another.  You are going to need to not only talk about the issues, but to feel free to speak your truth.  However, if you just ignore his actions, you do not give yourself this opportunity.  It’s almost as if you are selling yourself short at the expense of allowing him to do as he pleases without being called on his actions.

I’m not saying that the husband was not having his struggles because it was very clear that he was.  But his struggles do not excuse his behavior, at least in my opinion.  The wife may or may not agree with me, but ignoring his behavior is, at least in a sense, somewhat similar to condoning it in that you are not demanding that it end.  As a wife who has been cheated on, I can honestly say that I don’t think that I could continue going about my daily life knowing that my husband might be with some other woman and then keeping silent about it.  If this was the case, I would have to ask myself if I was still invested in my marriage.

It was possible that this wife wasn’t sure about confronting him because she wasn’t sure if she was still invested in her marriage.  This is certainly valid and something that she would likely need to think about.  However, if she had any interest in saving her marriage and rebuilding the trust, it’s my opinion that she’d need to have the courage to confront him and to stop ignoring the infidelity.  It must be difficult and exhausting to be fully aware that your husband is committing infidelity. And I’m not sure how you’re not filled with resentment and anger that needs to be released in some way.

So to answer the question posed, I personally don’t believe it’s ever to your benefit to ignore infidelity.  Sure, it may mean you don’t have to deal with it at the time, but I also believe that it will likely present itself in other problematic ways that might hurt you as much as addressing it would have.  One way to bring up the infidelity without being confrontational is something like: “we need to talk.  I didn’t go looking for what I found, but I now know some things that must be addressed immediately.  I will tell you what I know and you can tell me where or how I’m wrong, but it’s pretty clear to me that you’re not being faithful and that’s not acceptable.  We need to sit down and talk and determine what is reality and what is possible for the future.  But I can’t ignore this any longer.”

I know that this is a difficult discussion, but I believe that it is one that is necessary.  Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away, nor does it make the pain any less real.  I had no problem confronting my husband’s infidelity.  But healing from it was another story entirely.  It was a long and difficult journey, but once I learned that I had to look at it as growth rather than pain, I began to make the long descent back toward regaining my life and my marriage.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Wives whose husbands are begging to come home after infidelity can feel conflicted. Typically, the wife has learned that the husband cheated or had an affair and promptly kicked him out of the house. Many of these husbands don’t like this arrangement and begin calling or coming by in the hopes of convincing the wife to allow him to come home to make it up to her or to save the marriage.

A wife might confide: “I caught my husband having an affair seven weeks ago. He was cheating with someone at work and I immediately put his clothes on the porch and locked him out of the house. He has been living at a hotel. We talk sometimes, but I’m still not sure what I want to do. Some days, I feel like I should separate or file for divorce. And on some days, I actually miss him and think about allowing him the chance to see or spend time with me. The other day, I picked up the phone and he proceeded to beg me to allow him to come home and ‘fix it.’ I asked him what he meant by that and he said that he’s sure that if I just allowed him to come home, I would see how sorry and sincere he truly is. He says that if I give him the chance, he knows that he could fix our marriage and make me happy again. I told him I wasn’t sure that there was any way to “fix” a marriage that he chose to break with his cheating, especially since his actions were not accidental but deliberate. He still continued to go on and on about how I should let him come home. I don’t know what to do. Should I allow him back into my life?” I didn’t have an easy answer for this wife. Only she could decide if she was ready for him to come home. This was not a decision that I could make.  But I could offer her some insights, which I’ll share with you.

He Doesn’t Need To Live Under Your Roof To Begin To Fix Your Marriage: You don’t need to live under the same roof in order to begin healing or repairing your marriage after infidelity. Yes, it is often a little easier when you have access to your spouse, but it’s not absolutely necessary. Of course, desperate husbands will try to make you think it’s necessary because they want to come home. Maybe he truly is sorry and even has a workable plan, but he can carry this out whether he is living at home or not. Plenty of people go to counseling, work through their issues, or repair their marriage when they are living apart. Frankly, sometimes things are so volatile that this distance can actually improve things because it cuts down on the immediacy, the drama, and it encourages the couple to miss one another.

What If You Want Him To Come Home?: This is an entirely different story. If you miss him and want him to come home, this is also valid. But don’t believe that you have to let him come home in order to save your marriage. And be careful to make it very clear that your allowing him to come home doesn’t mean that all is forgiven or that he’s excused from “fixing it” or doing his part in helping you heal. His coming home doesn’t mean that you won’t still need to work through any issues that preceded the affair, came after it, or were the direct result of it.

What Does A Husband Mean When He Says He Wants To “Fix It?” That really depends on the husband. Some men truly do intend to come home and show you that he is now going to be the best husband that you could possibly want. He may intend to come home and show you what an attentive, affectionate, and faithful man he can be. Or, he may intend to do these things, but he may actually come home and fall back into old habits. And, unfortunately, some men use the “coming home to fix it” excuse as a way to get back into your good graces again without really being all that sure about making any real changes or doing any real healing.

That’s why I often advocate not rushing into anything if you have doubts. And it was clear to me that although the wife missed her husband, she was definitely having some doubts. So I suggested that she might respond with something like: “I know you want to come home and there are some days when I want that too. But I’m just not comfortable taking that step until we’re done a lot more work on our marriage. I need to see a little more progress because, when you do come home, I want it to last. I don’t want to make a hasty decision and then later regret it because we didn’t lay the groundwork that we needed to heal and to save our marriage. Why don’t we keep making progress and see what happens? I appreciate that you want to fix it, but you can fix it without needing to move back home immediately. Let’s not rush into anything and if things go well between us, then we’ll talk about this again soon.”

Notice that I was careful to make it clear that the wife was open to him coming back in the future as long as he showed her his willingness to fix it no matter what circumstances he was dealing with.  This is an important distinction because you want him to keep up with the sincerity and trying to improve things while you continue to move slowly until you are sure that it’s time to allow him to come home.

Trusting what my husband was saying after his affair was a real challenge for me. As a result, I was in no real hurry to allow him to fix anything, even though I was clear on the fact that it was his responsibility to do so.  Eventually, I was able to educate myself on what I needed from both my husband and myself to move forward.  But I was very careful not to rush into anything.  It was worth it in the end because I now understand him, our marriage, and myself much more intimately. I no longer worry that he is going to cheat again. You can read  my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives are so disappointed in their husband’s attitude after they’ve caught him cheating or having an affair.  They might expect him to act one way, but are upset when he acts in a completely different way than what was expected.

An example: “I caught my husband having an affair two weeks ago.  He didn’t even seem all that remorseful. He half-heartedly said that he wanted to save our marriage and that he would end the affair, but he didn’t seem all that sincere or enthusiastic. Yesterday, I told my husband that I didn’t know if I would be able to forgive him any time soon.  He told me extensive and hurtful lies and I am going to have a hard time getting over that.  I was floored when he turned to me and said ‘I don’t want or need your forgiveness and I don’t even recall asking for it.’  What does this even mean?  Why would he not even want my forgiveness if he says he wants to save our marriage?  How should I even respond to this?”  I will address these concerns in the following article.

Sometimes, A Husband’s Downplaying The Need For Forgiveness Is Either Posturing Or A Defense Mechanism: I have to tell you that many men will claim they don’t want or need your forgiveness when in fact this is not true.   Sometimes, they are being very defensive as a reaction to their guilt and shame.  Deep down, they wish that you would willingly offer your forgiveness, but since you’ve made it clear that this might not happen, he’s not going to let you see that this issue is important to him because he is being a bit indignant and defensive.

Many husbands will posture when they are put in this position.  They realize that they are in a position of weakness since they are the one who made the mistake.  So they will try to use reverse psychology on you in the hopes that once they proclaim that they don’t want or need your forgiveness, you will then be more willing to give it.

It’s up to you as to whether or not you play into his hand.  But my advice would be to take your time about coming to a decision.  In my opinion and experience, even though forgiveness is more for you than it is for him, I still believe that it should be earned.  If he’s not willing to work with you, then perhaps you can delay evaluating this for now. With that said, his posturing or being defensive now does not mean that he won’t change his tune in time.  Once he sees that you’re not going to give in until he gives you a reason to do so, he will sometimes drop the act.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Says He Doesn’t Want Your Forgiveness For The Affair: As I see it, you have two decent choices.  (You can choose to negatively engage with him, but I don’t feel that this is the most advantageous choice.)  First, you could ignore the comment and tell yourself that he’s likely posturing or being defensive.  There is every chance that he will change his attitude and his actions when he sees that there is no quick fix for the mess that he has created.

Second, you could respond to him in order to make your position clear.  A suggested script might be something like: “well that works out then because I don’t intend to offer my forgiveness until it is earned.  I am not saying that to hurt or punish you. I’m just telling you that we have a long road ahead of us if you’re being truthful and sincere about wanting to save our marriage.  That’s not to say that we can’t recover.  But I’m going to need to see a lot more remorse and sincerity from you before I feel completely comfortable moving forward. I know that both of us need some time and I am willing to give you that.  But I am not willing to just step back and accept less than I need to heal.  You may not want or need my forgiveness, but I want and need to see your remorse and your rehabilitation.  Both of these things are up to you.  But I can’t move forward until I see that you are willing to provide me with them.”

You might notice that I was careful to try to use non-confrontational words.  I didn’t accuse him of being a selfish manipulator and I didn’t offer up ultimatums.  I just encouraged him to make the steps necessary to begin the healing process and I made it clear that I wouldn’t accept less than I thought I deserved.  Finally, I left the ball firmly in his court.  This is important because if this husband was only posturing and trying to get the wife to back off on the forgiveness issue, this script makes it clear that that’s not likely to happen any time soon.

After both people have made their feelings known, you may want to just give this some additional time.  People often change their minds and their strategies as time passes and anger and defensiveness begin to wane.

My own husband was very liberal with his pleas for forgiveness after his affair.  But honestly, to me, a husband’s actions and behaviors are much more important than his words.  Remember that many husbands are trying to get a handle on which strategy you are going to take and they will sometimes throw some phrases out there to determine how you will react.  Stay the course and never accept less than what you want and need.  Because I did this, my marriage is very solid today.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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