Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  It’s not uncommon for wives to spend a lot of time thinking about the woman with whom their husband cheated or had an affair.  This can be true even after the affair has long been over.  One common concern is if the other woman still thinks about the husband (and vice verse.)

One of these wives may explain: “my husband’s affair has been over for about three months.  I believe him when he says he hasn’t been in contact with the other woman.  We have been doing intense counseling and, for the most part, we are doing OK.  However, I can’t help thinking about this other woman all of the time.  I read some letters she wrote him where she said she’d never loved anyone in the way that she loved him.  Obviously, she was very invested in him.  I know that it’s silly, but I find myself thinking a lot about her and how she feels now that the affair is over.  I know that I shouldn’t contact her, but does she still think of my  husband?”

Obviously, I didn’t personally know either woman in this scenario so I had no way to say for sure how the other woman was feeling.  The only one who can give a completely truthful answer to that question is the other woman herself.    (And I certainly don’t think that you should reach out to her in order to determine her feelings.) However, I actually have some “other women” visit my blog and ask questions or make comments.   I find that many of them sincerely felt that the relationship was real.  Many of them are in pain because they feel as if they have been left holding the bag.  I know that I’m probably not the most objective person (as my husband cheated on me,) but over time, I have come to believe that the other woman has legitimate feelings too.

Granted, it probably wasn’t the best idea to start a relationship with a married man, and it’s likely easier to characterize her as a heartless, cruel person, but this isn’t always reality.  And, if we’re being honest, it’s not entirely fair. And whether the other woman still thinks of the husband is often dependent upon the type of relationship that they had. If it was just a fling that didn’t mean a thing to either of them, then she may well have left him long behind in her life and in her thoughts.  But if there were real feelings on the part of either of them, then it is certainly possible that she still thinks of him from time to time.  But honestly, how much should that really matter?

Now, believe me, I know that it can matter a great deal to you.  I have been there and I know that it’s absolutely normal to think of and even to fixate on her.  But ask yourself this question.  Where is the best place to put your focus? In the past or in the present?  Because frankly, wondering about her keeps you living in the past.  To heal from this affair, you need to live in the present with an eye toward where you want to be in the future.   Worrying about her is not in line with this.

How To Begin To Move Away From Thoughts Of The Other Woman: I know that I am asking a lot when I suggest that you shift your attention and your thoughts away from her.   But I am asking because it is very important.  You have to almost train yourself to stop and redirect.  As soon as your thoughts tend to wander back to her, stop and ask yourself if these thoughts are doing anything to bring you peace or to move forward.  When you determine that the answer is no, make a very conscious decision to stop the thoughts by redirecting yourself.  You might choose to journal about what you are grateful for, to take a walk, or to go work out.  You want to choose something that gets you out of your own head and forces you to concentrate and to think of something else.  If you continue to do this every time those stray thoughts lead back to her, you can train yourself to have these thoughts less and less.

It’s no coincidence that a lot of fights happen once the wife starts thinking about the other woman.  Because of the doubts that these thoughts inspire usually urges the wife to go and start demanding answers or to pick fights.  This doesn’t really benefit anyone and can negate the hard work that you have already done.

So to answer the question posed, depending upon the depth of their relationship during the affair, the other woman may well think about your husband from time to time. But frankly, her thoughts are not your problem as long as she does not act upon them.  It’s so much more beneficial for you to worry about your own thoughts that drive your own actions because this is what is going to facilitate your healing.  And, it’s only fair to leave her be and allow her to do the same.

I admit that early in my recovery, I spent a great deal of time thinking about the other woman, but I eventually determined that this was a path to nowhere.  Once I trained myself to turn my attention, back to myself, things changed dramatically.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of our recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Some women feel a little insecure about their decision to take back their husband after he cheated or had an affair.   And quite often, these wives worry more about what other people think than about what they themselves think.  They often worry quite a bit about outward appearances and what their friends and family must think of their decision.

One might say, “my husband had an affair last year.  After a lot of soul searching, I decided to take him back.  I kicked him out and we lived apart for a few months.  I missed him.  I just couldn’t help it.  And while I was missing him, he was calling all of the time and promising me that if I would just take him back, I wouldn’t be sorry because he would make this up to me.  I am excited about the thought of rebuilding my marriage, but not everyone is as excited and optimistic as I am.  My mother told me that only women with low self-esteem take back cheating husbands.  She says I am crazy to take back a man who lied to me and cheated on me.  She always asks me if I don’t think I’m good enough to find anyone else.  She says I sell myself short and I could find a better man who would be faithful to me if I would just improve my self-esteem.  Is she right?  Do only women with low self-esteem take back men who cheat or have affairs?”  I will address these issues in the following article.

My Opinion On The Self-Esteem Of Wives Who Take Back Husbands Who Have Cheated: I have a definite opinion on this, but it may not be a very objective one.  I took back my own husband after he cheated.  I don’t consider myself to be someone who is lacking in self-esteem.  Admittedly, my self-esteem was not at an all-time high at that time.  I have since built myself back up.  However, the thought that I could never get another man or that my husband was the best that I would ever get never entered into my thought process.

I believe that this is true for many wives in the same situation.  Often, we are thinking about our families.  And, we don’t want to throw away a long-term relationship that we worked so hard to build.  Now, I’m not going to say that there aren’t some wives who stay with serial cheaters who treat them very badly and show an appalling lack of respect.  That situation is a little different.  When you give a man every chance and he just continues to turn his back and hurt you again and again, eventually you should either demand change or do what is best for your own well being.

But the wife in this scenario was not in this situation.  This was the first time her husband had been unfaithful and he was more than willing to do whatever was necessary to help her (and their marriage) to heal.  She had kicked him out of the house and yet he still kept coming back and asking for another chance.  All of these things indicated that his sincerity was more likely.

The truth is, many very successful, fulfilled and strong women chose to try to save their marriages after infidelity.  This doesn’t mean that they are weak or stupid.  In fact, I think that it takes real strength to stand back up and try again even in the face of pain.  Of course, the best decision in every marriage is going to be quite individual.  What is right for one wife might be a mistake for another.  But it’s so important that we don’t judge each other.  Your decision to take him back or to stay is truly no one’s business but your own.

And sometimes, you will have to assert yourself.  A suggested conversation for this wife might be something like: “mom, I know that you are concerned because you love me, but I need your support right now.  And when you question my decisions or my self-esteem, that hurts me.  Please respect my decision and just love and support me.  I don’t think that this is the wrong decision, but if it is, I will find that out soon enough and I’ll need you more than ever.  So please help me by not making hurtful comments.  I know you love me, but you can help me more by offering your support instead of your opinion and your comments.”

Even If Low Self-Esteem Didn’t Factor Into Your Decision, It’s Always Helpful To Work On It After It’s Affected By Infidelity: Even if you took your husband back for very valid reasons, it’s usually a pretty safe bet that his cheating on you has made you doubt yourself.  This is just natural no matter how confident you are.  It’s normal to wonder why he would betray you in this way.  I always advocate doing self-work to build up your self-confidence after infidelity.  This is so necessary because self-doubt can cause a lot of problems as you are trying to rebuild.  You don’t want to have to worry if your husband still finds you interesting or alluring.  You want to build yourself up so that there is no doubt in your mind about this.

But to answer the question posed, no, I don’t think that it necessarily means you have low self-esteem if you take him back after he cheats.  Women have their own individual reasons for the decisions that they make after a husband’s cheating and no one should make any judgment calls about the same.

As I alluded to, I did take my husband back after he cheated.  Admittedly, my self-esteem suffered because of his infidelity, but this was not the reason I took him back.  I did work very hard to rebuild my self-confidence and self-esteem and this made a huge difference in my life and in my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives are trying to deal with two frustrations simultaneously.  First, they are devastated that their husband has admitted to cheating.  And second, they are beside themselves because he won’t disclose who he has been cheating with.

You might hear: “my husband finally admitted that he has been cheating.  I’ve strongly suspected it all along.  He hasn’t been coming home on time.  He’s been taking a lot of private phone calls and texts.  He’s been distant and cold to me.  He hasn’t shown any interest in me sexually for a while.  I have repeatedly accused him of cheating and he has always denied it.  However, last night he finally broke down and admitted that he had been cheating but had recently stopped.  If that’s not devastating enough, he will not disclose who he has been cheating with.  He says that her identity should not matter because she is now out of his life.  He says he wants to move on with our marriage and put this behind us.  How can I even begin to do that when he won’t even tell me who she is?  Why would he keep this from me?”  I will discuss these issues (and try to answer her questions) in the following article.

Potential Reasons That Your Husband Won’t Tell You Who He Cheated With: There are various reasons why husband will want to keep the identity of the other woman secret.  Sometimes, the husband knows that your learning her identity is going to make you tempted to dwell on or obsess over her and will, therefore, make it harder for you to move on.  Many men worry that the second he gives you her name, you’re going to immediately Google her or find her on Facebook and then contact her to get her version of the story or to confront her.  Many husbands want to avoid this at all costs.

Another possibility is that her identity is going to be particularly upsetting to you.  It’s not unheard of for her to be a friend, colleague, neighbor, coworker, acquaintance or even a family member.  If she is someone that you know, then you can feel doubly betrayed.  I am not saying that any of these examples are valid reasons that justify his keeping her identity from you.  I’m just trying to share what might be behind his thought process to help you come up with a plan or strategy.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Won’t Tell You Who He Has Been Cheating With: I believe that you have the right to this information.  If you are going to try to save your marriage, then you need to be fully aware of what (and who) you are dealing with.  You can’t do that if he is leaving some pieces of the puzzle out.  He may well be reluctant to give you her identity out of fear.  But there are going to be plenty of difficult conversations in the days ahead and you must trudge ahead anyway.  He needs to understand that if he is serious and sincere about moving forward with you, he needs to be forthcoming without exception.

In order to communicate this, a suggested conversation must be something like: “I get that you might be reluctant about my reaction to her identity, but that’s a risk you’re going to have to take because I can’t evaluate our situation without having all of the information.  I need to know everything, including details about who she was, where you met her, the nature of the relationship, and for how long it lasted.  And that is just for starters.  In order for us to even begin to heal, you’re going to have to show me that you are willing to be honest and forthcoming about everything.  I will do my best to work with you, but you are going to need to do much better than this.  I can not even begin to think about our healing or what I want to do moving forward until I have all of the information.  When you are ready to provide me with that, let me know.  Until then, we really do not have much to talk about.  You say that it’s over with her and that you want to move forward.  I can’t begin to do that until you are completely honest with me.”

I can’t promise you that these words will suddenly get him talking, but it will certainly give him something to think about.  Some husbands will try to wait their wives out.  They will just sit back and see if the wife will eventually drop the issue of the other woman.  They hope that they will be able to get in her good graces in some other way.  Whether you allow this or not is up to you.  But I believe that her identity is information that you need to know.  Of course, there are various ways that you can find out that information for yourself, but it is so much better if he tells you himself.

That’s not to say that her identity is completely vital to your recovery.  Infidelity is devastating no matter who the other person was.  But many women find it particularly hard if they personally know or care about the other woman.  Still others want to know if she is younger, prettier, or what it was about her that caused the husband to risk his marriage.

And this is where you might reach a slippery slope.  While I agree that you deserve to know who she is, I would caution you not to become obsessed with her once you get this information.  It’s understandable to want to know as much as you can about the cheating as is possible (and this includes information about her.)  But some wives get the basic information that they have asked for and find that it’s not enough.  They’ll then take it further and research her, confront her, and then continue to think about or dwell on her.

This is often not in your best interest.  Whether you want to save your marriage or not, the focus should be on your healing and on your ability to move on.  If you dwell on her too much, you thwart your ability to do that.  However, this isn’t even possible if you don’t know who she is.

Learning the identity of the other woman is only one in many steps that you will need to take during your healing.  Take things one day at a time and don’t ask too much of yourself.  Surround yourself with people or things that comfort you and take things as they come.  In the early stages of my recovery, I couldn’t envision myself every feeling joy again.  But today, I feel quite a bit of joy.  I did save my marriage, but my joy extends far beyond that.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many wives wonder if they will ever be truly happy again after their husband cheated or had an affair.  Many can divide their happiness level into two levels – before the infidelity and after it.

Someone could explain, “although it might be hard to believe today, I actually used to be a very happy person.  I used to be a ‘glass half full’ type person, but I’m certainly not that way anymore.  Ever since my husband had an affair with one of my friends, I feel as if bad things are always going to happen.  I am always wondering what tragedy is going to be put in my path next.  And I hate having to live this way.  But husband’s betrayal seems to have stolen all of the happiness from my life and I miss it.  I want to be blissfully happy again. I want to laugh again.  But every time I have these thoughts, I think that they are impossible because I just don’t feel as if I have all that much to be happy about. ”  I will share what tips I offered to this wife in the following article.

You Can Be Happy Again After Your Husband’s Affair, But It May Be The Small Things That Bring You Happiness At First: After your husband cheats on you, it’s very normal to be able to place your focus on little else.  It’s hard to think about other areas in your life when one major area has been shaken to its core.  However, it’s not fair or healthy for you to be robbed of the other areas that bring you happiness.  The sun is still going to rise.  You just have to look at it.  The birds are still singing.  You just have to listen.  You are still here and therefore you can count on the fact that tomorrow might be a little better.  Not every human being is going to be this lucky.

All of us can find little things to be grateful for and to be happy about.  Make no mistake.  An affair is painful.  It’s not a joyous occasion.   But there are other areas of your life that can bring you joy, especially while you are healing.  And it is vital for you to seek those things out, to hold them close, and to savor and lean on them.   If you place every ounce of your focus on your husband or his infidelity, of course, you are going to struggle with happiness because you are leaving room for little else.  But if you very deliberately try to seek out small and manageable pockets of happiness in other areas, then you may well find these things very hard to ignore.

Understand That Happiness Can Return With Healing  (No Matter Where That Healing Leads.) Healing just takes time.  But once it happens, it can change your entire perspective which in turn can change your ability to embrace happiness.   Some wives are able to heal their marriage and this can bring about its own peace of mind.  Other women ultimately decide to walk away from their marriage, but this certainly doesn’t mean that they can’t be every bit as happy (if not more so) once they are able to start over.   Some of these women actually look back and see the infidelity as a gift because it allowed them to embrace the life that they should have had all along, but never would have had the courage seek were it not the push that the infidelity provided.

I’m not telling you this to make light of your situation.  I would never do that as I have been through this myself.  I am just trying to help you put things in perspective.  I know this is painful, but tomorrow is a new day.  You will take this day by day and you will embrace what is good and right in your life while dealing with those things that are not.

Sometimes You Have To Force Yourself To Seek Out Happiness, Even If You Don’t Believe It’s Possible: I know that there are some days when you just want to go home, lock the doors and pull the bedsheets over your head.  And some days, that’s perfectly OK.  However, you have to remember that your husband’s mistake doesn’t take away your ability and your right to feel joy and peace.  You have every right to have the best life that you yourself can create for yourself.  Don’t allow for his actions to take that from you.

Now, you may well find a way to be happy with him once again.  Or, you may decide that this isn’t possible.  But I would argue that you can be joyous either way.  One aspect of your life doesn’t need to make up your entire well being.

His poor judgment certainly doesn’t have to mandate a life sentence of misery for you.  In fact, I would argue that you can refuse to allow this to happen.  You can choose where to place your focus.  You can choose to surround yourself with positive and loving people who only want to help you.  You can determine where you’d like to place your focus and how you’d like to spend your time.  In short, you have much more control than you think.  I know that this is not easy.  But the choices that you make and your own conscious efforts do matter a great deal right now.

If you would have told me in the weeks following my husband’s infidelity that I would be as happy as I am today, I would have never believed you.  There were some miserable days early on, but I eventually did reclaim my happiness by being very deliberate about my focus.  My husband and I did reconcile and our marriage is very solid.  However, I think that I could have been happy either way.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  Many married people stop really talking to one another after one of them has had an affair.  Many of them are committed to saving their marriages, but they’re now struggling because they feel awkward and unheard.

A wife might say: “my husband had an affair with one of my close friends.  I am beyond furious and I feel so betrayed.  However, because we have children, we are committed to making it work.  Sometimes, I doubt this decision because things are so strained and awkward between us.  My husband will not open up to me about the affair.  He doesn’t say more than a string of words to me in any given day.  Even small talk seems like a huge effort.   I want him to talk to me and tell me why he had this affair, how he feels about me now, and what he envisions for our future.  But I can’t get more than a couple of grunts out of him.  The sad thing is that the communication was always really good in our marriage.  We used to stay up talking for hours. I always stressed that he could tell me anything.  But those thoughts aren’t realistic now.  Because we aren’t communicating at all, even about the little things.  How can we rebuild the communication so that we can start to save and rebuild our marriage?”  I will offer some tips on how to do this in the following article.

If You Can Get Professional Guidance, Do So: A big reason that people have trouble communicating after an affair is due to fear.  The person who cheated is afraid of saying the wrong things.  And often, the faithful spouse is afraid of hearing hurtful things.  So the couple will sort of tiptoe around the issues so much that things become more and more awkward over time.  And then they both stop talking which can result in one or both making assumptions.  The wife may think that he’s not opening up to her because he doesn’t care enough, while the husband can believe that the wife wants him to talk so that she can obtain even more ammunition for her anger.  Husbands who have had affairs often think that “talking” is the wife’s way of trying to trip him up.

That’s why it’s very helpful to talk about these issues in the presence of a counselor if it’s possible.  Often, a skilled professional knows how to get people to open up in the safest, most comfortable ways possible.   Having said that, not all couples are comfortable going to counseling.  If this applies to you, then at least educate yourself with materials offered by professionals.  (There are some decent free resources on the side of this blog.)

Start With The Small Things Before You Try To Have Difficult Discussions: Often, the faithful spouse wants to know everything immediately.  I understand this because I was the same way.  You want to know what you are up against and you need completely truthful answers. But understand that once you get certain information, the anger is going to build.  And if you are not prepared to deal with it, then that same anger won’t have an outlet which can make things much worse.  That’s why I advocate tackling these conversations gradually rather than all at once.

If all you are talking about is the unpleasantness of the affair, is it any wonder that you both want to clam up?  Many couples in this situation tell me that they are afraid a huge fight is going to erupt every single time they open their mouths.  So, in response, they keep quiet.  It’s so important that both you and your spouse understand that in order to rebuild your marriage after the affair, you need to create an environment where both people feel safe to admit, and to hear, the truth.   I know that this can be difficult.  But secrecy and hesitating to communicate with each other can create an environment that is conducive to repeat cheating and that is probably the last thing that you want.

Try To Create An Environment Where Open Communication Is Welcome And Expected: As I alluded to before, you want to start slowly and build up to a very open style of communication.  It should be clear that you expect nothing less than complete transparency and truth.  This means that you must both be willing to give and receive both.   It is vital that you are willing to say and hear the truth.  This means that you both need to be committed to saying and hearing the truth without exploding in anger or doling out negative consequences every time someone speaks.

People often ask me how to break the ice when no one seems willing to communicate openly.  I am not a counselor, but many use open-ended questions in which both partners take turns asking and answering.   Often, the receiving partner will repeat what was said and ask then ask for clarification if needed.   Sometimes, they will even express how their spouse’s statement has made them feel.  This can feel very awkward at first.  But my best advice is to plow through it.  Talking and feeling awkward is so much preferable than remaining quiet and allowing the doubts and resentments to pile up so that, with each passing day, you are more and more silent and talking to your spouse becomes more and more difficult.

Open and honest communication is one of the most important goals for rebuilding your marriage after an affair.  This step can not and should not be skipped.  If you’re having difficulty with this, it’s important that you keep trying or get some help.  Because shutting down or stopping talking altogether is almost the worst thing that you can do.

Discussions with my husband were very difficult after his affair.  We did have counseling to help us with those initial talks, but when we get home, we’d fall back into our old awkward silences.  It took some time and some very conscious efforts to break the cycle.  But communicating openly and regularly was vital to our healing.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I hear from wives who are trying to do everything in their power to keep their husbands from cheating again.  Many insist on joint marital counseling, and many husbands reluctantly agree.  But some husband’s balk at the idea of individual counseling.  Going to counseling on their own is often encouraged for husbands who cheat due to individual or personal struggles.  It’s great to have counseling to help you deal with your joint issues that either preceded or came after the affair.  But husbands are often strongly encouraged to seek individual counseling also so they can deal with those internal issues that might have contributed to the cheating. I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had a six-month affair last year.  We have been to counseling for the past four months and he hates going.  He only goes because I make him go.  Our counselor has strongly suggested that my husband go to individual counseling because of his tendency to self-sabotage and to make impulsive decisions. He refuses to go.  This worries me.  While I can’t deny that we’ve made a lot of progress in joint counseling, I really want for him to work on his own issues.  I worry that if he doesn’t, he will end up cheating again.  But he says that he understands his issues and can change on his own. Who’s right?  Will he cheat again if he refuses individual counseling?” I will tell you my opinion on this in the following article.

What Is Really Important Is That Your Husband Identify And Work Through His Personal Issues.  And This Can Happen In More Than One Way: I will admit that I am an advocate of counseling.  But I also know that many husbands would rather do just about anything than sit in a counselor’s office.   There is often a difference between what is ideal and what is possible.  And sometimes, if you force him to go, he does so begrudgingly and with an attitude that ensures that he isn’t going to get all that much out of it. At the end of the day, what is going to keep your husband from cheating again is his commitment to you, his behavior modification, and his understanding and avoidance of what made him cheat in the first place.  I believe that counseling makes this easier, but I have also seen men who were able to educate themselves and rehabilitate themselves on their own.  It is not an easy process, especially for men who cheated to avoid this type of self-introspection in the first place.

Try To Offer Compromises To Entice Him To Go: Sometimes, the husband doesn’t really like the joint marriage counselor, so the idea of seeing this person alone is not appealing.  If this is the case, consider allowing your husband to choose his own counselor.   And if he does go, don’t insist that he share all of the personal details with you.  Although the idea is to save your marriage, individual counseling is also about him discovering and healing things about himself.  You want for this to happen because when he is healed, it will benefit you and your marriage.

Place Your Focus On Rebuilding The Trust And Restoring The Communication If He Won’t Go To Individual Counseling: Sometimes, even when you offer compromises, he’s still just not agreeing to go to counseling on his own.  If this is the case, you are going to need to address your doubts.  Because if you are always worried or even expecting him to cheat again, then you increase the chances that he will.  Sometimes, if you focus very deeply on restoring the trust and improving the communication between you, then you can encourage your husband to come to you if he should ever feel tempted to cheat again.

In this way, you are placing one more safeguard between him and the cheating.  Ideally, you want at least two safeguards.  You want for him to be able to discourage and limit himself.  (And this can come from counseling or from educating himself.)  But, you also want for him to feel safe and open enough to tell you if there is trouble on the horizon.  Isolation and secrecy are the two things that you absolutely can not afford if your husband cheated once.  And frankly, when you doubt your husband or you have trust issues, he is more likely to keep secrets from you and this makes repeat infidelity that much more likely.  That’s why it’s so important that you prioritize rebuilding the trust and insisting upon open communication in your marriage.   I really like Dr. Frank Gunzberg’s “Surviving The Affair” Course, but there are many out there.

So to answer the question posed, I don’t think a husband’s reluctance or refusal to go to individual counseling means that he absolutely will cheat again.  I do think that both joint and individual counseling is helpful.  But I also know that this is not always realistic for some men.  However, if he forgoes individual counseling, it’s vital that he does the self-work to make repeat cheating unlikely and that you both restore the trust and improve the communication. My husband refused to go to individual counseling as well.  And he loathed joint counseling also.  So we had to do a good deal of healing on our own.  I think the process would have been easier with a really skilled counselor, but we were never able to find one.  We did recover, however.  If it helps, you can read that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are getting discouraged as they are trying to rebuild their marriage following cheating or an affair. Sometimes, they find themselves asking if the struggles are even worth it.

One spouse might say: “my husband had an affair last year. We are both committed to rebuilding our marriage, but it’s been a huge struggle. We are both trying our best, but things are just strained between us. I try to trust him, but honestly, I don’t. I’m always worried that he’s going to cheat again. When he tells me he loves me, I always have sarcastic responses in the back of my head that I don’t actually say. And our sex life is awkward. It feels like we’re just going through the motions. Sometimes, I think that he doesn’t really desire me and that he’s just here out of obligation. Every day is more of a challenge. Nothing comes easily between us anymore. I’m starting to wonder if it’s even worth it. If all we’re going to have left is a bitter shell of our marriage, then what’s the point?”

You will likely get varying answers to this question depending on who you ask. People who ended up divorced after infidelity will likely tell you that your attempts aren’t worth it if you’re going to get divorced anyway. After all, what’s the point of crawling through each day if your marriage isn’t going to make it? How horrible is it if you’re able to hang onto your marriage, but you are miserable? What’s the point of just trying to get through the day when there’s only going to be more snide comments, more resentment, and more of feeling trapped?

It can be hard to argue with this logic if a divorce is imminent. However, not all couples end up divorced or with struggling marriages after an affair. Many do manage to turn a corner and rebuild a marriage that is worth sticking around for.  This was my experience and this is why I might not be the most objective person to talk about this. But in my opinion and experience, if you can actually rebuild your marriage so that it has a solid foundation where you’ve been able to not only identify your problems but to work through them, then it is entirely possible to eliminate the trust issues and the resentments.  And to me, that makes it all worth it.

That’s not to say that the process is easy. It most certainly is not. There are many days where you just want to throw up your hands, turn your back on your marriage, and face life as a newly single person. There are days when you wonder if you are just punishing yourself for no good reason. But if you can make it through these days and move on to get the help that you need to not only save your marriage but to rebuild it to the extent that you strengthen and even improve it, then yes, in my experience, it is most definitely worth it. Because what we have now negated those dark days we went through. And because we had to stand together during the days that we thought would never end, we are actually closer.

Now, if our outcome had been negative instead of positive, then I might have felt quite differently. If my days were filled with resentment, insecurity, a lack of trust and fear, then if I’m being honest, I probably would not find all of the efforts worth it in the end. But since my reality is a more positive one, then I find it worth every day, every minute, and every second of the struggles because I have created something that was worth fighting for and I know in my heart that I did everything that I could to come out swinging and to not just accept that my marriage was over.

So to answer the question posed, I do think it was worth it to rebuild my marriage after my husband’s affair, but I know that there are some couples who disagree with me. I believe that whether you find it “worth it” or not depends largely on the marriage you have after the rebuilding process is over. And of course, the great irony in all of this is that in the early days after the affair, you probably won’t be able to tell which category you fall in.  In fact, if you had asked me a couple of weeks after I found out about my husband’s affair where I would be today, I would have told you that I would likely be single.  Things did not go well for us for quite a while.  But today, I can look back on it and be grateful that I didn’t give up.

If you are at the point where you are not sure that it’s worth it, I would suggest asking yourself your options.   In my own example, I looked at both the best and worst case scenario.  I thought that the worst case scenario was not being able to make it and getting a divorce.  And I knew that the best case scenario was coming out of it with a marriage that was better than it had been before.  I was willing to risk the worst case scenario in order to obtain the best case scenario.  Because I felt like I didn’t have anything to lose.  If I ended up divorced, then at least I would have known that I’d tried.  And that was going to be the outcome if I didn’t try.  So I figured I really didn’t have much to lose other than time and pain.  And those two things were a given anyway.

I don’t mean to imply that my journey was an easy one.  It most definitely wasn’t.  And perhaps part of the reason that I’m able to look back with some distance and calm today is because the passage of time has changed the way that I perceive it now.  But I still think that without a doubt, rebuilding my marriage was worth every struggle, every awkward moment, and every doubt I might have had.  I would rather be a woman who fought to remain married and who came through with some scars than a single woman who didn’t.   But that’s just my opinion.  Everyone’s is different.  There is no right or wrong answer.  If it helps, you can read about the process of saving my marriage on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I can hear from wives who are struggling after their husband has admitted feelings or an attraction to someone else. Many worry if this confession means that cheating or an affair is going to happen in the future or already has happened.

Someone might say: “I noticed a distance from my husband since he started working with a new woman at his job. I suspected something was going on. I asked him what she looked like, but he wouldn’t answer me directly. Once, I showed up at his office and I could tell that he didn’t want me there. I kept on asking about this other woman and finally yesterday, he admitted that he has developed feelings for her. However, he swears that nothing physical has happened between them. He says they have gone to lunch in the past for work related things. I suspect this means they are having an affair. My friend says that it’s not an affair if he hasn’t crossed the line or if he isn’t in a physical relationship with her. But I think an affair can also be emotional and I’m so furious right now. Who’s right?”  I definitely have an opinion about this, which I will share with you in the following article.

In My Opinion, It’s Not An Affair Until The Line Is Crossed. But Everyone Defines That Line Differently: This wife’s friend had a valid point. Sometimes, husbands admit to feelings about another woman before anything inappropriate has happened. They do this because they are trying to be honest with their wife before something regrettable happens. In this instance, I don’t believe that these men are cheating or having an affair. Yes, they may have thought about it. Yes, they may be approaching their wife because they want her to keep it from happening. Whatever the reason, they choose to come to their wife with the truth. No one forced them to do so.

With that said, some men will admit to the feelings for the other woman as a sort of preemptive strike against his wife finding out about an actual affair. Often, they hope that disclosing their feelings means that you will think that everything is OK because he told you the truth.  Therefore, the hope is that you won’t continue pursuing this. This is not always the case, of course. But I do bring it up because some wives will feel relief, thinking that he’s told them everything when in fact, he’s only telling you the tip of the iceberg to throw you off the trial.

One more possibility is that nothing physical has happened, but there is an emotional connection. It really is up to the wife whether she considers this to be infidelity or not. Some wives actually think that emotional infidelity is worse than physical infidelity.

However, take into account that he didn’t have to come to you with this admission. The fact that he did can be quite telling. Until you learn differently, you might consider assuming that he has not yet been unfaithful and you can use this as a warning to fix things before something does actually happen.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Admits He Has Feeling For Someone Else: Honestly, your reaction is up to you. Most wives will be hurt. Many will be suspicious. Some will follow up with a lot of accusatory questions that make the husband sorry he ever tried to tell his wife the truth.

At the same time, you don’t always know what has actually happened. So I think there’s a fine line here and you have to be somewhat careful. I think a compromise would be something like “I do appreciate your telling me. I would much rather you tell me before something has happened so that we can address our marriage before either of us does something that we might regret. But I need you to be completely honest with me. Has any line been crossed? Has there been an inappropriate physical relationship? Or, have you received an emotional connection from her that you should have gotten from me? I’m not asking you this so I can punish you. I’m asking because I need to know where our marriage stands. And I need to know what we are up against. Can you be completely honest with me so we can start the healing process and can begin to set some boundaries?”

Boundaries are extremely important here. And any recovery plan will need to include them. Since he’s already admitted feelings for another woman, it’s not realistic to think that things won’t progress if nothing changes. You can’t expect for two people with feelings for one another to work closely together without anything inappropriate happening eventually. In the best case scenario, the husband would arrange it so that he no longer works with this woman. But if that’s not possible, he should make it extremely clear to her that their relationship is close to becoming inappropriate and this will need to change immediately.

So Is It Cheating Or Having An Affair When He Admits Feelings For Someone Else?: If nothing inappropriate has happened and he’s only trying to be honest, then my answer is no. However, if he’s only sharing the tip of the iceberg with you and he’s been receiving either emotional support or intimacy that he should be getting from you, then the answer is maybe, but you will have to dig a little deeper to form an educated opinion.

Either way, it’s so important that you act immediately.  It’s also important that you don’t react in such a negative way that it pushes him closer to her.  Don’t panic.  Many marriages are able to heal even after infidelity has taken place.  If it helps, you can read my story of healing after my husband’s infidelity on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are dealing with husbands who are repeat cheaters. These wives are often so tired of the lies.  In the beginning, these wives may have actually believed their husband when he promised he would never cheat again. But, over time and as he cheats again, she is less likely to believe anything that he says.

Many wives in this situation still wish they could do something to make their husband faithful because they are still invested in him. Some of these wives wonder if having their own affair or cheating themselves might give the husband a taste of his own medicine and make him stop.

I heard from a wife who said: “I just found out that my husband is having yet another affair. The last time I caught him, he swore he’d never look at another woman, and, like a fool, I believed him. And yet, here we are not even a year later and we’re going through this nonsense again. Clearly, he was lying all along. And clearly, those words he said and those promises he made didn’t mean a thing. I want him to know how it feels to be in love with a liar and a cheat. I’m considering having my own affair and admitting it right to his face. If I did, would he stop his cheating? Would making him see how much this hurts scare him straight?”

It’s impossible for me to predict the future and guess as to how the husband might react to his wife’s revenge affair. But I can tell you that, in my opinion and experience, this is almost never a good idea. I will tell you why below.

Your Having Your Own Affair Isn’t Addressing The Problems That Caused Your Husband To Cheat In The First Place: There’s no question that having your own affair might get your husband’s attention. It might even hurt him. But there are no guarantees that it’s going to make him stop cheating. Why? Because your own affair is an external event that hasn’t done one thing to modify your husband’s behavior for the long term. Not only have you not identified the issues that might be contributing to his cheating, but you haven’t solved them. Instead, you’d added another problem and obstacle to the mix.

You Having Your Own Affair Might Actually Make Your Husband Cheat More Since He Can Now Justify His Behavior: I’ve actually seen this plan backfire more than once. Sometimes, the husband will actually have his own revenge affair as payback. Or, although he might be hurt by his wife’s affair, eventually he keeps right on cheating because her affair has made it easier for him to justify his behavior.  Is this fair? Absolutely not. But I am bringing it to your attention because I want you to know that there’s every possibility that this plan will bring about the opposite result than what you were hoping for.

What You Might Want To Try (Instead Of Your Own Affair) To Get Your Husband To Stop Cheating: Let’s think about this for a second. The real goal here is to make the husband stop cheating so that the couple could save their marriage. In my opinion, there are better ways to do that than to add more cheating to the mix.  Here is what I see that typically doesn’t work. Trying to make your husband feel guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed about his cheating isn’t usually effective in the long term. Because eventually, he will associate his negative feelings toward you and this resentment will also allow him to justify his behavior – which will, in turn, make his continuing to cheat even more likely.

What has a much better chance of working is identifying why he might be cheating. And the reasons might actually surprise you. Men don’t always cheat because they don’t love or aren’t attracted to their wives. They don’t necessarily cheat because they are in bad marriages. Sometimes, the reasons they cheat don’t even have anything to do with their wife or with their marriage.

Some men have poor impulse control, have self-sabotaging behavior, are attracted to risky or forbidden behavior, or cheat as a way to boost their self-esteem or quiet their self-doubt. And if these things are present, having your own affair isn’t doing anything to help your husband address these issues. In fact, often you can talk and plead and manipulate until you are bone tired, but nothing changes because nothing within your husband has changed. It’s usually not until he learns new coping mechanisms, thought processes, and behaviors that the cheating or the risky behavior stops. And your cheating or not cheating doesn’t have anything to do with these things.

While I do understand the temptation to force him to feel how you feel, most of the time, adding a new affair to the mix only brings more pain, problems, and turmoil. It’s almost always a bad idea.

Instead of thinking about revenge, consider thinking about healing.  Because if you can heal your husband, yourself, and your marriage, this is almost always better than reacting with your own negative behavior.  If it helps, you can read about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from couples who are in a marriage in which both of them have cheated. Sometimes, one spouse cheats to “get back” at the other for the initial infidelity. Other times, both spouses cheated (sometimes without knowing about the other spouses’ infidelity) simply because the marriage was struggling.

In either situation, the couple can wonder what happens when they have both cheated? Is the slate just wiped clean since you are both guilty of infidelity? Does the scorekeeping end? Is one affair worse than the other? Do you deal with each issue separately?

An example is: “both my husband and I cheated on one another last year. My own affair was in response to my husband’s. He cheated first and I was so hurt that I checked out of our marriage. We separated and during the separation, I met another man and began a relationship. I did so because I honestly thought our marriage was over. However, a couple of weeks ago, my husband called and asked me to lunch. He told me that he missed me more than he could express and asked if there was any chance for us to try to save our marriage. He said that obviously, we would need counseling to work through our two affairs. I wouldn’t mind saving my marriage. But I feel like my affair was less egregious than his. I would not have cheated if he hadn’t cheated first. How do couples deal with it when they’ve both cheated? Is the healing twice as hard?” I will try to answer these questions in the following article.

Do The Two Affairs Cancel Each Other Out? Are Things Considered Even When Both Spouses Cheat?: The wife in this situation was adamant that her affair should not count for as much since her cheating was a direct response to her husband’s misconduct which happened first. She felt that the affairs should “cancel each other out” and was more inclined to try to start fresh or “from a clean slate.” However, her husband felt that both affairs needed to be addressed and the wife disagreed.

I understand why the wife wanted to gloss over both affairs, but here’s the thing. It’s not healthy or advisable to pretend that the affairs never happened. They did happen. And they very likely affected the marriage, the trust between the spouses, and the dynamics of the relationship. To pretend otherwise is leaving your marriage vulnerable at a time when you should be trying to do just the opposite.

How Do You Heal From Two Different Affairs From Two Different Spouses?: The wife accepted my assertion that the affairs didn’t cancel each other out. They both needed to be acknowledged and dealt with. But, she was confused as to the logistics of this. Did they start with her husband’s affair and then move on to hers? Did they just try to tackle the issues that were common to both affairs?

Different counselors will take different approaches. And I’m certainly not a counselor.  And some couples who opt to not go to formal counseling will handle this in different ways. But generally speaking, it’s fair to say that there are usually issues within the marriage that contributed to the initial cheating that should be addressed first. In other words, there were likely contributing factors to the first affair that should be fully explored.

With that said, this doesn’t mean that the second affair doesn’t matter or should be negated. Yes, the first affair was probably the heaviest blow to the marriage. But, the wife still made the choice to cheat when she could have made another choice. She must be responsible and accountable for this in the same was that the husband must also be. Each person must own up to their part in both affairs and come to the table ready to heal and to make concessions.

Can A Marriage Really Heal Or Survive After Both Spouses Cheated?: Many people assume that two affairs (by both spouses) are just too much for any marriage to overcome. This isn’t always the case. Some spouse’s actually become more forgiving of their other spouse’s affair seeing that they made the same mistake. It also allows both people to see that no one is infallible or without fault.

Honestly, it’s not uncommon for both people to agree to a sort of “clean slate” approach since it’s not appropriate for either spouse to hold a grudge. So yes, it absolutely is possible to recover after both husband and wife have an affair. However, it often doesn’t just magically happen. Healing and recovery take a lot of effort, understanding, and compromise. You have to be honest about any issues that are present and then you need to fix them. You must work through any resentments. You must stop keeping score. And you must prioritize reconnecting and reestablishing the bond and the trust. These things are true no matter if you are talking about one affair or five. The process often isn’t an easy one, but if your marriage and your spouse mean enough to you, then it can be worth it.

I have to admit that I never cheated in retaliation for my husband’s affair, but I know that this is very common.  And, the process of healing is the same.  It was difficult to heal after my husband’s affair,  but it was worth it.  And I think this is true regardless of which spouse cheated or even if both did.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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