Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who don’t think their husband is taking the repercussions of his affair seriously. This can be extremely frustrating when the wife is taking it so seriously that she can think about nothing else. And when a man doesn’t think that your feelings and your pain are important, this can be almost as hurtful as the affair.

I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband admitted to me that he had an affair early on in our marriage. I guess he hoped that because so much time had passed, I wouldn’t be as angry and he wouldn’t be as accountable. But I am angry and he should be accountable. However, every time I want to discuss the affair, he downplays it and acts as if it’s no big deal. He’ll say things like ‘that’s ancient history’ or ‘that relationship meant nothing to me. It wasn’t a big deal. Are you really going to punish me for something that happened years ago and meant nothing?’ This just infuriates me. I don’t care when he had an affair. He still cheated on me and I still deserve answers and remorse from him. How do I handle this? It’s not fair that he can just downplay the affair and I’m supposed to just drop it.”

The wife was absolutely right. This situation was horribly unfair. But nothing said she had to accept her husband’s attitude or the way that he was handling the situation. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips on how to handle it when your husband downplays the cheating or the affair.

Make It Clear That Your Feelings And Your Reactions Aren’t Under His Control: Your husband can posture all he wants. But he shouldn’t (and doesn’t) have control over your feelings. You are entitled to handle this in any manner that you see fit. He may not think the affair was or is a very big deal, but the fact that you believe it is should be all that matters.

Often, his downplaying the affair is at least an initial attempt to manipulate your reaction. He hopes that if he can make the affair seem like some insignificant event in the distant past, then you will gloss over it more quickly than you might otherwise have. However, if this is not agreeable to you, then you are entitled to give the affair as much attention as you feel it deserves. Your feelings and reactions are not up to him. They are up to you.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Downplays The Affair: As I see it, you have a couple of choices. You can react in a genuine way based on your own perception of the affair. You can be influenced by his posturing and react accordingly, or you could go with some combination of the two.

Regardless of which way you want it to go, it makes sense to make your feelings very clear to your husband. You might say something like: “I know that you’re saying that the affair happened too long ago to matter and that it really meant nothing to you. But you need to know that no matter whether the affair happened ten years ago or last week, it matters to me. And whether you were madly in love with this woman or only in it for the sex, I still consider it a huge betrayal. It may not have meant much to you, but it means more to me than I can possibly express. If you love me and want to save our marriage, you will understand that this is important to me and you will stop downplaying it. Because if it is important and hurtful to me, then it should be important to you. I need you to take this seriously, starting right now.”

What If Your Husband Still Won’t Take The Affair Seriously?: So what happens if you say the right things and make your position clear and your husband still won’t take all of this seriously? Then you need to decide if you’re going to hold firm or if you’re going to let him pressure you into backing off a little bit. This is a decision that only you can make. But if you can’t even fathom allowing him to just away with this free and clear, then you may say something like “I can see that you’re still not taking this seriously. And that’s your prerogative. But I don’t think we can heal our marriage until you take responsibility and stop downplaying your infidelity. Until you show me that you care enough to make my struggles your own, then I’m going to continue to question your love and your commitment to me.  That means our marriage will probably continue to deteriorate.  If the roles were reversed, I would be taking full responsibility and I’d be willing to do whatever you needed for me to do to prove my commitment and love for you. But when you don’t take me seriously, I question if you are doing the same for me.”

Then just pause and evaluate his reaction. Often, your heartfelt words will drive home how self-centered he has been and he will reevaluate. And sometimes, he needs to see first hand that you are not going to change your mind or make any progress until he lets go of his insistence that this isn’t really a big deal. Because it most definitely is. That’s not to say that you can’t rehabilitate your marriage even when his attitude is not ideal. You most certainly can. But it’s going to be more difficult if he doesn’t take this as seriously as you need him to.

Because of my own very strong reaction, my husband did take the aftermath of the affair seriously, but he still continued to claim the affair meant nothing to him. Honestly, this assertion didn’t help his cause because it made me wonder what type of person would have sex with someone when no emotional feelings were involved.  So that was one more thing we had to work through.  If it helps, you can read the story of our infidelity recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from spouses who are overcome with emotion after they realize what a huge mistake they made by cheating on their spouse. They are often struggling with overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame.

I might hear from a wife who says: “Last week, I had a one night stand with a guy from my work. There was alcohol involved and I didn’t mean for it to happen. I have been happily married for ten years. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life until last week. And I never intended to cheat on my husband. But I did. I told the other guy that it would never happen again. And it won’t. Because I will never drink at work again. But in the meantime, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I find it hard to act normally around my husband. I can’t look at my kids without being overwhelmed with shame at the way I’ve risked their family. How do people live with the shame after they cheat? I’m really struggling. I will tell my husband about my cheating one day. But right now, I can’t even face myself. I’ve never hated myself so much. I can’t believe I was so very stupid.  I am just so ashamed of myself.”

I really felt for this wife because it was obvious that she was truly sorry for what she had done.   And she was all too happy to beat herself up and to not give herself enough credit.  Because, prior to the cheating, she’d contributed to a ten year happy and faithful marriage and she was raising two well adjusted and happy children. Of course, cheating is a huge mistake. But this wife suddenly saw herself as an awful person when this was just not the case. So in the following article, I will share some of the tips I gave her about moving past the shame after an affair.

As Much As It Probably Doesn’t Feel Like It, Feeling Ashamed After Cheating Or Having An Affair Is A Positive Sign: There was no question that the wife in this situation felt awful. She knew that she had made a grave, potentially life-changing mistake. Because this behavior was so untypical of the type of person that she was, the shame was intensified.

This actually says something positive rather than negative about her. I dialog with a lot of people who are struggling with the aftermath of an affair. And an alarming number of spouses who cheated seem almost defensive about their cheating and about their behavior. Many feel that they were justified in betraying their spouse or they think that it’s just not possible to remain faithful and monogamous forever.  And frankly, when people tell me these things, I have doubts about their marriage.

Neither of these justifications was applicable to this wife. She was incredibly remorseful and she was adamant that her husband did absolutely nothing to deserve this type of betrayal. This said an awful lot about her and her marriage. In fact, shame and guilt can be positive as long as you use them as a motivator to move forward and make things better rather than using them as a crutch to keep you stuck and in pain.

You Can Not Change Your Past Actions, But You Alone Determine Your Future Actions: The wife needed to understand that, despite her guilt, shame, and sorrow, there was nothing that she could do to change her actions. The cheating was in the past, but there was no way to take it back. Dwelling on the cheating wasn’t going to change it nor was dwelling going to make the future any better.

In fact, the more you focus on your guilt and shame and the awful thing you’ve done, the more you are paralyzed in moving forward. Yes, cheating on your spouse is a huge mistake which you may well regret for the rest of your life. But you can not change it. Continuing to dwell on just might keep you from focusing on what is important right now – which is your marriage, your healing,  moving forward, and making certain that you never again make the same mistake.

So my best advice is to focus on changing what you can. Unfortunately, you can’t change the cheating or the past. But you can change how you are dealing with both. You can place your focus on making the future as positive as you can. You can focus on making this right rather than belaboring what has already gone wrong. You can be the best wife and mother that you can possibly be.

Don’t Allow Your Shame To Shut You Down: There’s a real danger in allowing your shame to shut you down.  Some people suffer a real domino effect of negativity in their lives. Because you can’t stand to look at your husband, your marriage begins to change for the worse. Because you no longer think you’re a good mother, you withdraw from your kids and your family. And do you know what happens then? You allow one wrong to turn into months or even years worth of wrongs. Please don’t fall into this trap.

If the shame and the resulting pain are too much for you, please get some help to move past this. As someone who has been cheated on, I would never defend cheating. However, a person who makes one mistake should not believe that they’ve suddenly turned into an awful person who no longer deserves the love of their own family. This wife’s family would likely not be better off if she became so ashamed that she withdrew. Yes, she made a mistake. But the bigger mistake would be to allow the affair to contribute to her losing those things that mattered most to her. Or losing those things to which, except for a brief moment in time, she had always been true.

As I alluded to, I was the spouse who was cheated on in my marriage.  And I don’t always make it a habit to defend people who cheat.  But the reality is that sometimes, decent people make huge mistakes.  And allowing one mistake to ruin other areas of your life doesn’t do anyone any good.  Unless you use your shame to propel you forward toward healing, it is a wasted emotion.  And healing might just be closer than you think.  If it helps, you can read about my own healing process after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are getting very tired of their spouse constantly questioning them and not trusting them after their infidelity. Although many understand that they gave their spouses a reason to doubt them, no one has endless levels of patience. And having your spouse constantly question you or act like you are a child who must constantly check-in can get very old.

I heard from a husband who said: “I admit that I abused my wife’s trust when I cheated on her and I regret that more than I can express. I deserve her anger. I deserve her losing faith in me. But I have done everything that she has asked, including going to counseling. I come home right after work. I spend all my spare waking hours with her. I don’t object when she goes rifling through my phone or my emails because I honestly don’t have anything to hide from her. I’m not cheating on her anymore and I don’t intend to ever do it again. But no matter how many times I say this or hold myself accountable, she doesn’t believe me. And she will tell me without blinking an eye that she no longer trusts me and doesn’t know if she ever will again. My question is what do I need to do to make her trust me again after my infidelity? At this point, I am completely trustworthy, but she just will not believe me, no matter what I do or say. And this frustrates me beyond belief.”

Although I see this situation from the other side of it (since I was the spouse who was cheated on,) I do understand the frustration of wondering if your spouse will ever trust you again. I get a lot of emails dealing with this topic from spouses who regret cheating and I see that many (but not all) are sincere when they say that they are doing everything in their power to restore the trust. In the following article, I will offer some tips on what you might do to encourage your spouse to trust you again after infidelity.

Have Patience. The More Anxious And Impatience You Are, The More You Look Like You Have Something To Hide: I know that your life probably isn’t a lot of fun right now. And I understand why you want your spouse to trust you again. But you must understand and accept that they are justified in the way that they feel. They have a right to these feelings. Imagine how you might feel if you were in their shoes. Blindly believing anything that you say after you have betrayed their trust would be silly and ill-advised. Give your spouse a little credit. They aren’t unintelligent and you shouldn’t try to force them to pretend to feel or believe something that they don’t. You both need to be honest about and free to express your true feelings.

And if it appears that you are trying to guilt, force, or pressure your spouse into trusting you before they are ready, it not only makes you look like the bad guy, it makes it look like you want them to back off because perhaps you have something to hide.

Even when you feel frustrated, put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and then have patience. When you are the faithful spouse, it truly does mean a lot when you know that your spouse takes responsibility for their actions and, because of this, is going to allow for you to set the pace.

Don’t Give Your Spouse Any Reason Whatsoever To Believe That You Are Not 100% Transparent Or Trustworthy: Many people don’t understand that from the day that you admit the cheating, you have to commit to being one hundred percent truthful about everything, even the little things. Sometimes, people who cheat have gotten into the habit of lying. And when their spouse catches them in little white lies, they truly don’t understand what a big deal this can be.

I often hear comments like “I forgot to tell my wife that I went to have a sandwich after work and then saw one of her friends. Of course, her friend reported seeing me right back to my wife and now my wife suddenly doesn’t trust me once again. But I was doing nothing wrong. I guess I’m always going to be the bad guy now no matter what.”

This husband doesn’t understand that although he didn’t do anything wrong, he can’t afford to do anything that might give that appearance, especially right now. The truth is, your spouse is watching you very closely. And because they have their doubts about how trustworthy you may or may not be, they are almost waiting for you to slip up.

That’s why it’s vital that you tell the truth about everything – even the little things. And don’t omit things either. You want to show your spouse that everything out of your mouth is completely accurate. Don’t leave things out. Don’t embellish. And don’t give your spouse any reason to doubt you.

Have Faith That In Time, You Will Earn Back Your Spouse’s Trust: The key word in that phrase is earned. Your actions have caused the end of your spouse’s trust. Now, you must earn it back. This takes time. No one pays you your wages before you complete your work or you do your job. You must earn that money by putting in the work and the time.

The same can be said of trust. You can’t collect today on the work you should be doing tomorrow and in the future. I know that it is frustrating, but have faith that if you put in the time, do the work, and are one hundred percent sincere, your spouse will eventually see that you are sincere and they will respond accordingly. But this process takes time and shouldn’t be rushed if you want a genuine result.

I admit that my husband probably thought it took a very long time for me to trust him again after his affair.  But I was more inclined to believe him when he was patient with me rather than pushy.   I need to see that he was willing to wait it out because he thought I was worth it.  If it helps, you can read the story of how we got back together after his affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from panicked spouses who are being completely ignored after their cheating or their affair has been discovered. Often, they know that they deserve their spouse’s anger, but they are frightened that their spouse is going to continue ignoring them and that this might mean that their cheating will contribute to their marriage being over for good.

I heard from a wife who said: “I admitted to cheating on my husband because I just could not stand the guilt anymore. And, at the end of the day, I wanted to come clean so that I could save my marriage. I knew my husband would be furious and he was. But I wasn’t expecting for him to kick me out, which is exactly what he did. He pretty much didn’t say a word and showed me the door. I left because I figured that he needed some time to think. However, it’s been over a week and he won’t take my phone calls or return my text. I showed up at the house the other day and he came to the door and just shook his head as if to show that no, he wouldn’t let me in or even acknowledge my presence. Through the door, I asked him if was going to ignore me forever and he just shrugged his shoulders and turned and walked away. I understand his anger, but I absolutely hate being ignored. What does his ignoring me mean? What should I do?” I will try to answer these questions in the following article.

As Hard As It May Be, It’s Often In Your Best Interest To Give Your Spouse Some Space: I know that this is a difficult situation. Many people tell me that they would actually prefer that their spouse scream and yell all sorts of insults than to simply ignore them. I understand this because, even if your spouse is angry at you, at least they are experiencing enough emotion to have a reaction, even if it is a negative one.

But if they don’t seem to be experiencing much emotion and are ignoring you as the result, you start to wonder if this is going to go on forever or if they have checked out entirely.  I understand feeling this way, but please know that your spouse is likely reeling and may well be unsure as to how they really feel. As someone who has been cheated on by a spouse, I can tell you that often you feel very differently from hour to hour. Sometimes, you are furious. Other times you are hurt. And there are plenty of times when you are confused. And, when your spouse keeps showing up demanding that you speak to them, this can actually make things worse for you, which leads me to my next point.

How To React When Your Spouse Won’t Stop Ignoring You After You’ve Been Caught Cheating Or Having An Affair: I know that it might be tempting to try to engage your spouse or become angry at them just to give them a taste of how this feels. But try to avoid negative emotions directed at them. None of this is their fault. In fact, it was your actions that put this into motion. If you want to save your marriage with your spouse, it truly is in your best interest to have some patience and to concentrate on their well being rather than your own.

They probably won’t ignore you forever, but let them end this stalemate on their own terms. They deserve to be able to set the pace at their own comfort level. Many spouses in this situation tell me that they aren’t sure how to proceed. They want to understand and respect their spouse’s need for space. But, at the same time, they don’t want to drop out of their spouse’s life so quickly that it appears that they don’t care.

There truly is a fine line. My advice would be to avoid the face to face confrontations until you are invited. It’s probably painful and confusing for your spouse to see you show up at their house unannounced trying to gauge your reaction. Instead, you may want to reach out through text, email, or sending flowers or cards. But don’t be pushy about it. Instead of sending messages that say “how long do you plan to ignore me,” or “you can’t dodge me forever,” you want to keep the message to one that is supportive rather than pressured. You may want to say something like “I respect that you don’t want to see or talk to me right now. But I just want you to know that I do love you and only care about your best interest. Whenever you are ready to talk or have questions, I’m available to you whenever that might be. If there is anything that I can do to help you heal or to offer you any relief, all you have to do is say the word.”

Do you see the difference? You are checking in to show you care and you are offering support and reassurance. But you aren’t pressuring them or trying to make them feel guilty or selfish for their isolation.

I admit that I did ignore my husband for a while after his cheating.  He was pushy at first, but eventually, he got the hint that it was better for him when he had patience with me.  As he showed me patience and support, my attitude toward him changed and this was a huge factor in us saving our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are either considering confronting the other woman or mistress or suspect that she is going to confront them. Sometimes, the other woman has been calling or sending emails and the wife isn’t sure how she should react if this woman came knocking on her front door. As much as many wives might crave or fantasize about this meeting, it almost never goes as you planned and actually looking at her right in the face can sometimes leave you frozen.

I heard from a wife who said: “the other day I was at our school’s football game buying my daughter a snack when I saw the woman my husband had an affair with. I just recently found out when my husband came clean to me and begged for my forgiveness. I know of this woman because our children go to the same school. I saw her at the concession stand and, because I had no idea how I should react, I pretended that I didn’t see her. But I know she saw me because after I left with my snacks. I looked over my shoulder and she was following me. I just hurried and sat with my husband and then possessively grabbed his arm. But I didn’t even tell him about seeing her. Later, I wondered if I handled this incorrectly. Should I have confronted her? Should I have said something or yelled at her to stop following me? How are you supposed to act when you see the other woman or the mistress? What is the best way to handle this?”

My Opinion On How A Wife Should Act When She Sees The Mistress Or Other Woman: Before I get into this particular situation, I have to clarify that the questions I get about this can be divided into two categories. Sometimes, the husband is still cheating and the wife sees the woman while the affair is still going on. Other times, the affair has ended and the wife is trying to save her marriage.

I have to concede that it’s probably much harder to remain quiet and passive if the affair is still going on. I know that it’s very tempting to tell her, in unkind terms, that you know exactly who she is and that her relationship with your husband must end immediately or else. I absolutely understand your need to do this. However, I would caution you never to put yourself in a situation that could turn out badly or get out of control. If you must say something, do so very quickly and then remove yourself from the situation. The last thing that you want to do is to get in any type of lengthy or emotional exchange, especially one where she’s letting you know that she is even more determined than ever to hang on to your husband. If you must say something, give a quick statement that you know who she is and that the relationship must stop. Keep walking, don’t engage. Be the bigger person.  And never have any type of exchange in front of your children.

Frankly, sometimes an icy stare delivered with your head held high and followed by a smirk is much more effective than any words you could say because this is going to just cause her to wonder what you know that she doesn’t. And you’re not losing control or being negatively affected by her is going to drive her crazy. But if you lose control and raise your voice and begin to have watery eyes, then she knows that she has won, or has at least caused you to lose your cool.

Conversely, if the affair is over, you don’t want her to know that you are still worried about her. Personally, I think that the wife in the above example handled the situation adequately. Walking away is, in my opinion, better than allowing her to get a rise out of you, making a scene in front of your kids, and engaging in an exchange that is beneath you. The wife wondered what she should do when she sees the woman again, as she was bound to happen at various school events. As I said, I think the blank or cold stare followed by a knowing glance or a smirk is pretty effective. If the wife felt that she absolutely had to talk to this woman, it should be a time where it’s not in front of the kids and in front of other families. And, frankly, ignoring her is the best alternative (at least in my opinion and experience.) It beats a nasty confrontation that doesn’t really solve anything.

So if I had to answer the question “how should you react when you see your husband’s mistress” I would say that this would depend on whether or not the affair was over. With that said, losing your temper or allowing her to get under your skin gives her the upper hand.  It makes her think that you’re upset because she is still a threat and it can actually bring her a lot of satisfaction sometimes, which is the last thing you want.

In fact, if you think about it, the most hurtful thing that you could probably do is to make her feel as if she’s not even a concern for you anymore. You want her to feel like the insignificant and fleeting problem that she will turn out to be. But, if you get all flustered, or upset, or even angry, she will likely know that this isn’t the case. Instead, if you can at all manage it, hold your head high, continue on with whatever you were doing, and give her a powerful glance if you must let her know that your interaction was no accident. But don’t do something that you will regret or engage when there is truly no reason to do so. Healing after an affair means moving on and the more you engage with or interact with her, the more this delays your progress.

I thought about the other woman way too much after my husband’s affair. And, frankly, it wasn’t until I was able to take my focus off of her that I was able to make progress.  We did eventually save our marriage after his affair, but only after I focused on us rather than on her.  If it helps, you can read the whole personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from spouses who are dealing with the harsh, unkind reality that their spouse is angrier than they could have possibly imagined after their affair has been found out. Many imagined that this day might one day come while they were carrying out their affair. But sometimes, the reality of their spouse’s anger is even worse than they feared. Needless to say, many want to know how long this is going to last. They often understand that they deserve this anger, but they don’t want to deal with it any longer than they have to.

I heard from a husband who said: “as soon as my wife found out about my affair, she kicked me out of the house and changed the locks. For weeks, she wouldn’t take my calls or see me when I would come over. Last week, she allowed me to come over to see my children. But she barely spoke to me and gave me nasty looks the whole time. As I was leaving, I asked her for how long she planned to be angry with me. And she said she couldn’t give me a time frame, but that I deserved any anger that she wanted to send my way. I know that she’s right, but it’s so hard living this way. I want her to love me again and I’m so sorry for the affair. The thought that she might always hate and be angry with me is almost more than I can bear. For how long is she going to be angry with me after my affair and is there anything I can do to help her get over this more quickly?” I will try to answer these questions in the following article.

Understand That Your Spouse Is Entitled To Their Anger. Rushing Or Questioning Your Spouse Is Not In Your Best Interest: Many people start out understanding that their spouse’s anger is absolutely justified. But over time, they get kind of tired of being on the receiving end of this same anger. I often hear comments like: “I know that my wife has the right to be mad at me, but it just gets so old sometimes. If I have to spend the rest of my life with her treating me like a horrible person, I don’t think I can stand it. Even criminals get a second chance. And I’m just a husband who made a mistake. I can understand her anger, but is she going to keep this up forever?”

You may not believe this, but even though I was the wife who was cheated on, I do understand this frustration. But, what you need to understand is that your wife likely feels the same thing. Believe me when I say that your wife probably wishes that she wasn’t held hostage by your affair or by her own anger, but she cannot change her circumstances. She would likely be glad to trade her anger for happiness if she could. But she can’t forget what has happened and you should not expect her to.

In fact, if you start pressuring her or asking her for how much longer she is going to keep this up, you might find that you’ve only made her angrier and ensured that she is going to hold onto her emotions for even longer than she may have if you had just been supportive and patient.

It’s usually not going to do you much good to constantly draw your wife’s attention to her anger and to point out how it affects you. You are much better off being loving and patient and making it clear that you know that it was you who put this whole thing in motion so you know that you must be supportive now.

The Things That Will Help To Shorten Your Spouse’s Anger About Your Affair: Before I offer some suggestions of things you can do to help with your spouses’ anger level, I want to stress that you should want to do these things because they are helpful to your spouse. If I could identify the one thing that I wanted for you to remember from this article, it would be this. Anything that you can do to genuinely help your spouse (rather than yourself) will usually benefit you also.

People often place their focus on what is going to help them. They try to make their spouse feel guilty or rushed because they just can’t stand being portrayed as the bad guy all the time. But what they don’t see is if they had just been the good guy and stepped up the plate to support their spouse (without worrying about what this means for them) they would probably have gotten the results they want.

Place the focus on things you can do to show your spouse that you have their best interest at heart. Go to counseling with them if this is what they want. Or, if they don’t want to go with you, encourage them to go alone. Show them that you do not intend to hurt them again and always tell them the truth. Show yourself to be trustworthy and patient. Be where you say you will be and do exactly what you have promised.

Stepping up to the plate for your spouse and showing her how much her healing and well-being means to you will usually allow some of her anger to wane. However, dealing with or erasing her anger should not be your goal. Frankly, your goal should be to help her heal. Now, one of the side effects of her healing is usually less anger, which is a good thing for both of you, but you will generally find that, as you put her needs ahead of your own, this is going to help you begin to focus on her healing rather than her anger.

Anger is the result of shock, frustration, and pain.  As you help her heal and as time passes, she will no longer feel these things as deeply which means that her anger should begin to fade.  But I can not stress enough how much your focus should be on helping her rather than on sparing you her anger.

Words cannot express how angry and furious I was with my husband after his affair.  However, over time, I saw how willing her was to give me whatever I needed to heal.  As I began to feel better about him, myself, and my marriage, my anger dissipated and we began to turn the corner.  If it helps, you read about our healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who want tips or advice on how to get back into their spouse’s good graces after they have been caught cheating or having an affair. They often know that they are in deep trouble with their spouse and they are looking for a way to prove themselves and to make up for the pain and lack of trust that their actions have caused.

I recently heard from a husband who said: “I made the huge mistake of cheating on my wife with my secretary. I know, what a cliche right? This devastated my wife. It hurts me so much to even look at my wife sometimes. Because this woman who used to be so loving and so confident has completely changed. There’s wounded look in her eyes and she looks at everyone with mistrust. I feel like I’ve changed who she is and have altered those things that I loved about her to begin with. I so want to make this up to her. I want to show her that if she will just give me a chance, I will never hurt her again and be the best husband she could possibly ask for. But she isn’t always receptive to me and she certainly doesn’t trust me. So how do I even begin to make this up to her?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

Understand That You Are Going To Need A Lot Of Patience. The Last Thing That You Want Is For Your Spouse To Feel Rushed: I understand this husband’s need to fix everything as soon as possible. It hurt him to see his wife in pain that he caused. So it was understandable that he wanted to do whatever he possibly could to alleviate his wife’s suffering and doubts. He wanted to put a smile on her face again and see her experience some genuine happiness.

And while all of these things are understandable or even admirable, you have to understand that recovery and healing is a process that takes time. You can’t hurry the process and if you attempt to do so, your spouse is going to feel pressure which could very make things worse. You want it to be obvious that your concern is for your spouse.  This can’t happen if they feel like you’re more concerned about yourself.

Don’t Overdo It. Make Sure That Anything That You Do For Your Spouse Feels Genuine: There’s sometimes a real temptation to want to buy your spouse a bunch of gifts, bombard them with apologies or love notes, or to follow them around declaring your love in order to gauge their feelings, but try to avoid doing anything that is over the top because sometimes this comes off as phony or fake. You don’t want to do so much that they think you are only putting on an act.  Because doing so just creates more mistrust.

Make Sure That Any Claims That You Are Making Are Authentic: One of the most important things that you can do right now is to show your spouse that they can trust whatever you are telling them, no matter how small the subject matter might be. So don’t make any claim or promise that isn’t 100 percent true or that you can’t back up every single time you make it. Don’t promise that you will go to counseling and then let that fall through the cracks. Don’t promise to be home every night by 6 if you can’t or won’t stand up to your boss when he demands you work late. But above all, don’t tell your wife that you’ll never look at or cross the line with another woman if you have the tiniest doubt that this may not be true. If you need help with the issues that lead up to the affair so that you won’t cheat again, please get it. Because it’s not fair to ask your spouse to trust you again when you know deep down that you aren’t trustworthy just yet.

Make Your Spouse’s Healing Your Highest Priority, Even If This Is A Detriment To Your Own Goals: I’m going to be honest when I tell you that many cheating spouses will claim that they will do whatever they have to do to make things up to their spouse, but only to the point that their actions benefit them in reaching their own goals.

For example, they might say they will go to counseling, but when the therapist points out their own flaws, then suddenly they are not so supportive of their spouse continuing to go. Or, they might tell their spouse that they are willing to do whatever she asks. But when she asks for time alone, then suddenly there is an exception.

If you are going to tell your spouse that you will do anything and everything to make this up to them, then you need to be prepared to do just that. And when they make requests that seem unappealing or uncomfortable to you, that is the time that you should do them anyway because your spouse’s healing (and not your own objectives) should come first.

Always remember that this is about your spouse’s recovery. I understand that you are in a real hurry to feel better about yourself and about your situation. But your primary concern should not be yourself or even your marriage. It should be your spouse. Because your spouse is hurting right now because of your actions. And it’s your job to help them heal. And usually, making this up to them doesn’t include presents or promises or new lifestyles. It includes your putting their healing about anything else and making good on the promises that really matter.

After I first found out about my husband’s affair, he tried to do very elaborate things to make it up to me.  What he didn’t understand was that I only wanted to feel normal again.  I only wanted to know that he loved, valued, and respected me enough to be faithful.  And that, if he couldn’t do these things, he will do whatever he could to get the help that our marriage needed.  It wasn’t until he understood this that he was truly able to make it up to me.  If it helps, you can read our recovery story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who worry that their husband’s affair means that they will never feel the same about anything in their life ever again. They describe the affair as the event that has sucked all of the joy out of their life. And they don’t envision this ever changing. They worry that the deep hurt that they are feeling right now is never going to go away and that they will always have to drag it around with them, like a ball and chain shackled to their ankle.

I recently heard from a wife who asked: “for how long does the hurt remain after a husband’s affair? Because my husband’s affair has clouded the way that I see the world. Every morning when I wake up, it is the first thing that I think about and I hurt. When I go to bed, I am still thinking about it and I hurt some more. I can’t even do normal things without thinking about my husband’s cheating. The other day, I watched the Twilight movie with my daughter and normally I would enjoy this very much, but I couldn’t help thinking that Edward would not cheat on Bella and I ended up sobbing. When I see children playing in the park, rather than being happy like I normally would, I worry about the future of my own children because I don’t know if I can hold my marriage together. The other day, I saw a couple all over each other in the parking lot at the theater and I found my eyes full of tears because somehow I just knew that they were cheaters because of the intensity of their affection and the fact that they were trying to hide it. How long will this hurt continue to cloud my worldview? Will this hurt always be with me?”

I will attempt to answer these questions as honestly as I can. But please keep in mind that everyone processes an affair (and recovers from it) in different and individual ways. But, I can tell you the opinion that I’ve formed from my experience, which I will do now.

My Take On The Hurt After An Affair: I am not going to lie to you and tell you that one day – long after the affair is over – you will magically wake up free from any pain. In my experience, it doesn’t work that way. But, as you place the emphasis on your recovery and healing, as you do kind things for yourself and surround yourself with loving friends and family, and as you rehabilitate your marriage (if that is what you choose to do,) you might find that you aren’t thinking about the affair nearly as much and therefore, you are feeling that hurt much less.

I sometimes hear from wives who tell me that it has been several years after the affair and they are still feeling as hurt today as they did when the affair was fresh. I don’t doubt that these women are telling the absolute truth, and my heart breaks for them. Because I feel that it doesn’t always have to be this way. To me, the fact that the intensity of the pain is that severe signifies that there is still so much healing to do. And it is never too late to heal. It is never too late to identify the source of your pain and remove it or work around or through it.

I am not going to lie to you and tell you that when I think about my husband’s affair today, I don’t feel any negativity or that I don’t feel a momentary twinge of regret. I do. But, it’s no longer that deep, dark pain. And I am looking back at it with the knowledge that I got through it, which is the way that I look at many challenges that I have faced in my life. Many things in life are painful and we would never repeat them. But as time passes, we look at them and see them more clearly and we can’t deny the lessons learned and the growth that resulted because of them.

So to answer the question “for how long does the hurt last after the affair,” I would have to say that, although it varies depending on the individual, that deep, almost unbearable pain does not last forever. One of the reasons for this is that, in order to experience that type of pain, you have to be thinking about the affair almost nonstop. Of course, in the early days, you think about it all the time. But later, once the healing has happened and you’ve moved on, you don’t think about it nearly as much.  In fact, there will come a time when you are no longer thinking about it on a daily basis.

Sure, there are times when little things will remind you. And when they do, there is that twinge. But because you have moved past it and healed, it is something that you are able to experience, put it behind you, and then quickly move on.

I won’t tell you that there will be a day in the near future when all your hurt and pain will be gone.  But, it does get better over time.  And many women are able to look back and see that some of the lessons that they learned were beneficial to them and to their marriage.  Our marriage is actually stronger today than it ever was before.  If it helps, you can read about our recovery process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are unsure if it is even worth it to try to save their marriage after their spouse has an affair. They often reason that if their spouse can betray them in the worst way possible, why should they even try to fix things? They often ask what is the point to put time, effort, and your heart into a marriage that your spouse has so recklessly put at risk?

I heard from a wife who said: “I am so disgusted with my husband after he admitted to lying to me for months because he had an affair. He is begging for me to give him another chance. And some of my friends tell me they hate to see me throw my marriage away without first trying to save it. But my question to them is why even try to hold onto your marriage when your spouse has an affair? Because my spouse negated my wedding vows the second he cheated on me. So I don’t know why I now have to hold on to something that he left for dead.”

This wife had a valid point that I would never attempt to argue. Some people truly believe that their marriage is never going to be the same again because they can never recover after such a careless betrayal. I actually had these beliefs myself but because of my kids, I vowed to at least have an open mind.  Eventually, after a lot of work,  I ended up being pleasantly surprised by the results. People often ask me exactly why I would hold on after this kind of behavior on the part of my husband. And I’ve told you that part of it was my kids. But this wasn’t the whole story. So in the following article, I’ll tell you why some people (myself included) attempt to hold onto their marriage after their spouse cheats or has an affair.

Family Is Everything: Many people point to their children as a reason for hanging on after this kind of betrayal. And I agree. The idea of my children not having daily access to their father or having a complete family was something I had a hard time with. But, even when you do not have children, you may still consider yourself a family. Or, you might have pictured yourself having children with your spouse only. No matter how you define your family, many people don’t want to surrender that same family without at least putting up a fight first.

Marriages And Spouses Can Be Rehabilitated: I know that in the days following the affair, you can really loathe your spouse. You can see them as the most deplorable person in the world who is completely lacking in any sort of morals or integrity. And no one could blame you for thinking this. But sometimes, as we are ripping our spouse apart and pointing out all of their obvious flaws and lack in judgment, we are forgetting that they are still the person in whom we found so many things to like that we fell in love with and married them in the first place.

It’s probably fair to say that there have been times when your spouse had your back more than anyone else. Yes, they had bad judgment and they did something absolutely horrible. But this doesn’t necessarily negate the good things that they have done.

I know that you may not believe it right now, but marriages do recover from affairs and so do spouses who suffer from affairs. Some couples will tell you that they feel closer to one another and they consider their marriages better because of all they have been through. And none of this would have been possible if they hadn’t hung on to their marriage with everything that they had.

You Have The Stubbornness To Not Give Up Until You See This Through: If you ask some people why they chose to hang on after their spouse’s affair, some will not give you the answer that you expect. While a good many will point to their family, their love for their spouse, and their commitment to their marriage, some will tell you that they are just a stubborn person who isn’t willing to give up or give in easily without first putting up one heck of a fight. Sometimes, they take their wedding vows so seriously that they are going to do everything that they can to see them through.  Other times,  they don’t want to just let their spouse off so easily as to just bow out the second the waters get rough. Of course, there is such a thing as being stubborn to a point that is detrimental. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with refusing to surrender your marriage before you make a gallant or stubborn effort to save it.

So to answer this wife’s question, there are many reasons people want to hang on to their marriage after their spouse’s affair. Many want to at least attempt to live up to their commitment to themselves and to their families. Many still believe in love or in their marriage. And some feel that if they give it their all, they can rehabilitate and even improve their marriage. Others want to hang on by sheer will because they are determined that nothing, not even a mistake as big as an affair, is going to detail them or their marriage.

I guess if I had to define why I had to hang onto my marriage after my husband’s affair, I would say that my family was the primary reason.  But I also was stubborn and I knew that my husband had always been a good man and husband.  It wasn’t easy, but we did eventually save our marriage after his affair.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who are reeling from their conversation with “the other woman,” the mistress, or the woman with whom their husband has been cheating or having an affair. These types of conversations almost never go well. Not only are they awkward, but they are often quite hurtful and do not provide the closure that many wives intended when they agreed to them in the first place. But often, the wives who are the most affected by these types of meetings are the ones who have been told that the other woman is in love with their husband, or worse, that the husband is in love with her.

I heard from a wife who said: “I found out three weeks ago that my husband had an affair. This woman is one of our neighbors. My husband begged me to not leave him and to try to save our marriage. I committed to doing that because of my children and I have been avoiding this woman. However, the other day, she actually had the nerve to knock on my door. I did not let her in my home but I walked outside. And she proceeded to tell me that she was “madly in love” with my husband and that he felt the same way about her but he didn’t want my kids not to have their father. It became clear to me that what she really wanted was to plead her case so that I would back off and let her have my husband. That is not going to happen. But now I can’t stop thinking about this. My husband said not to listen to her, but I can’t help wondering if she was telling partial truths. What if not only is she in love with him, but he is in love with her?”

“What if” type of questions can drive you crazy right now. And you have to be careful about who and what you chose to believe. Everyone has your own version of the truth and you alone get to decide what your own version is going to be.

Frankly, What Does It Matter If She Thinks She Is In Love With Your Husband?: It’s common and understandable to place some of your focus on the other woman. After all, she is partly to blame for all of this. But now that the affair is over, it is time for both you and your husband to let her go.

She may well think that she is in love with your husband. But, she really doesn’t have any say in what happens in your life or within your marriage. You and your husband decide what happens in your marriage. And in this scenario, the wife and her husband wanted to save their marriage. So as harsh as it sounds, the other woman’s feelings may well have mattered to her, but they should not matter to the wife or to the husband. Since she was out of their lives, her feelings were hers alone to deal with and to overcome. They should have no bearing whatsoever on the wife, her husband, or their marriage.

What If Her Claims Make You Worry That Your Husband Was (Or Is) In Love With Her Too?: To be honest, the biggest problem in this scenario is that often, the other woman’s claims of being “in love” will usually make the wife worry that the husband was or is also “in love” with her.

The only person who can provide the accurate answer to this question is the husband himself. And he was in his own home, with his own wife, begging to save the marriage, which spoke volumes about how he felt. However, since the other woman had done such a brilliant job of painting the husband as a man who only wanted the marriage because of the fear of losing his children, then the wife continued to doubt her husband’s feelings.

And while her husband was continuing to tell her that what he had with the other woman wasn’t love, the wife was still worried. I do understand this. When my own husband had an affair, I worried about the other woman for way too long. But here is what I didn’t understand and perhaps what you don’t understand either. With time, the truth has a way of coming out. But even more than this, everyone’s feelings change and evolve with time. What feels so real and so intense is shown to be the fallacy it is once the affair has been over for some time.

Once these two are away from one another day after day and the husband places his full attention and commitment onto his family, then any residual feelings for the other woman (if they even exist) are going to fade. Many times, the same is true for the other woman. If she is married, she will often turn her attention to her own marriage. Or, if she is not married, hopefully, she will move on to a single man who is more appropriate and available to her.

The bottom line is this. The other woman will often say all sorts of things to create doubt in your mind. Who cares if she’s in love with your husband? You and he have decided that she will not be with him. So the best thing for everyone is to continue to move forward as if she never spoke. Because you should not give credence to what she says anyway – as her motive is certainly not to save your marriage or to make things better for you. Her goal instead is often to make things better for her.

I know that even thinking about the other woman is painful, but don’t allow her any more room in your life.  The relationship between her and your husband is only in her own mind at this point.  Focus on yourself and your marriage and I suspect that with time, her place in your life will fade until she is just a memory.  I admit that I worried about the other woman for far too long, but once I took my focus off of her, I was able to save my marriage after the affair.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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