Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who aren’t sure how to handle it when their husband suddenly clams up and shuts down after the wife finds out about and wants to work through his affair.  Often, the more the wife feels that she absolutely has to have answers, the less the husband wants to provide the same.

I heard from a wife who said: “I found out that my husband had a month long affair with the home health nurse that takes care of his mother. Basically, they were together only when he was visiting his mother. Once I found out, we requested a new nurse and he broke it off immediately. He insisted that he wanted to save our marriage and I wanted that too. But he’s not acting in the way that you would expect from a man who is trying to keep his wife. I expected him to share his feelings, tell me what lead up to his cheating, and explain how he planned to work through this. Instead, he has completely shut down. He barely says two words to me. He rarely looks me in the eye. He no longer laughs or touches me. If I ask him what’s wrong he tells me nothing is wrong. But obviously, something is. He’s like a shell of who he was. I don’t want to fight so hard to keep him if all I’m getting is a shadow of the man that was once my husband. Why is he acting his way?” I will try to answer this question in the following article.

Why Men Shut Down After An Affair: There are many reasons that you might see what is called a flat affect from your husband. Often, he is feeling a slew of conflicting emotions that he is trying to suppress. The process of him trying to push those feelings down can contribute to that sort of indifferent stance you are seeing now. He’s often feeling ashamed, guilty, confused, and even embarrassed. And he’s afraid that if he shows any emotion, there will be a crack in his armor and it’s all going to come pouring out.

Additionally, many men will give you a cold and distant response because they are trying to discourage you from digging too deeply. They don’t want to answer a lot of questions about what or who started the affair, why it happened, or if it might happen again. (And this isn’t necessarily because they intend to cheat again.)  Sometimes, they just don’t have all of those answers. They aren’t sure why they acted in the way they did.  And the idea of self-exploration just doesn’t appeal to them.  Plus,  they hope that if they don’t give you anything whatsoever to work with, you will eventually be grateful for what they can give you and back off. In short, they are trying to condition you to not expect or demand too much, which of course is not fair to you. And it makes you question if they really care enough about you to open up or to show some emotions.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Shuts You Out Or Shuts Himself Down: I know that it is probably very tempting to want to take him by the shoulders, shake some sense into him, and demand that stop acting like a child or like the victim that he most certainly is not. Many wives actually try to make him mad just to get some sort of response out of him.  They figure that anything to bring him out of his funk is worth a try.

But, even when the wives are successful and get some emotional response, this is usually just a momentary solution. He may lose his cool for a second, but usually, he will resort right back to his old shut down self. That’s why it can help to try to call him on it and address it. You might consider saying something like: “listen, we can’t heal if you won’t open up to and communicate with me. I understand that things feel very awkward between us and neither of us know where we stand, but your shutting down and withdrawing isn’t going to get us anywhere. Instead, it makes me feel as if you don’t care enough to share your feelings with me or you’re not committed enough to push through this. I’m not your enemy. I want to work through this with you. Can we work together to make that happen? Can you start to open up a little more?  I need to see how you really feel about this.”

I can’t promise that this speech is going to suddenly make him a chatterbox willing to share everything, but it can be the first step toward him making small strides. Sometimes, you will just have to settle for little improvements that build upon themselves as he becomes more comfortable and he sees that you are sincere in wanting to work things out.  It’s also important that he believes that you don’t intend to punish him or hold out on him forever. In short, you both need to feel safe with one another and this takes a bit of time. Usually, someone has to break the ice. And since your husband has pretty much shut down, you are probably the most logical person to do so, at least in the beginning.

My own husband shut down some after his affair.  He was embarrassed, ashamed, and couldn’t look me in the face.  It took a while before he felt comfortable enough to begin to let down some of the walls.  But once he did, we made real progress and eventually saved our marriage after the affair.  If it helps, you can read the whole personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are not only dealing with their own conflicting feelings about their husbands after his affair, they are dealing with the feelings of their children also. Sometimes, there is no way to shield or protect your children from what is going on.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair last year. For a while, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to break things off with the other woman. In fact, for a couple of weeks, he left our home and went and lived with her. However, he and the other woman broke up pretty quickly and then he called me begging to come home and asking if I would take him back. I told him that I would hear him out, but I couldn’t make any promises because a lot of damage has been done to our marriage. However, once he moved back home, it became clear that he didn’t need to just make things up to me, he also had some serious making up to do with our children. They are furious with their father. They are very disrespectful to him and half the time, they leave as soon as he walks into a room. This infuriates my husband, but my son told me that he and his siblings no longer respect a man who could walk out on his family. I understand why they feel the way that they do, but my husband is losing his patience and I do want to try to save my marriage. What can I do?”

I have to admit that in my opinion, the person most at fault here was the husband. The kids were entitled to their opinion, especially since they were directly affected by their father’s behavior. However, in order for their family to have a chance to heal, everyone was going to need to learn to respect one another. I’ll offer some tips for this in the following article.

Make Sure Your Husband Understands That He Needs To Earn The Respect Of Everyone After His Affair: I understand that the wife wanted her kids to back off a little because they were impeding her ability to save her marriage since her husband was becoming so frustrated by the kids’ behavior. However, the kids’ feelings were absolutely understandable. They had to sit and watch as their father left them and their home over a woman who was essentially a stranger to them. And, after their father declared his undying love for this strange woman, he then broke up with her only a couple of weeks later. How are the kids supposed to respect this kind of silly and immature behavior? This is not to say that the husband won’t be able to regain their respect in time. And it’s important that the husband give them the opportunity to do just that, which I will discuss now.

Make Sure That Everyone Knows The Difference Between Not Respecting A Person’s Behavior And Not Respecting The Person Who Committed The Behavior: I often tell people who are trying to recover from an affair that one thing that is going to help them with this process is being able to separate the person from their actions. In other words, it’s OK to hate the act of having an affair. But this is very different than hating your husband. You can loathe the act, but, once the rehabilitation process is complete, you shouldn’t loathe the person.

The same holds true with respect. Of course, the kids (and the wife) didn’t respect the husband’s behavior or his actions, but that didn’t mean that they should no longer respect him as a person. Because the truth was, despite this one bad decision and this horrible choice, his track record as a person, husband, and father had been a good one.

Prior to the affair, he was a loving husband and a devoted father and he had always been there for his family. So, one decision did not negate all the good things that he had done. It was important for everyone to remember this.

How To Address It When The Kids Don’t Respect Their Father After The Affair: First, you might talk to your husband and assure him that although you will talk to the children, he must understand that they are having a strong reaction because his behaviors felt like a huge rejection and betrayal to them. Ask him to have patience while he tries to earn their respect back.

In terms of the kids, the wife may want to say something like: “I completely understand why you’re angry at your father. I am hurt and angry too. But at the same time, I want to give us a chance to be a family again. So I am asking you to try to give him a chance to re-earn your respect. You don’t have to respect what he did. I don’t respect that either. But he is still your father and he has a long history of very loving and reliable behavior. I respect your feelings and I’m not asking you to lie or pretend to feel something that you don’t. But I am asking that you consider being angry at the act and not the man. And I’m asking that you at least give your father a chance to make this up to us. Can you do that for your family?”

Be respectful and patient with your children’s responses. Understand that they are grieving and dealing with loss also. And there is every chance that, with time, they will come to see that their father is being truthful when he says that he will make this up to them.

Quite frankly, recovery takes time. And those who have been lied to need to be shown (over time) that it is safe to offer their respect and their trust again.

I tried very hard to shield my kids from what was going on with their father and me.  But I’m sure they knew some of what was going on.  Over time, I tried to make it pretty clear that although we loathed the act, that was different from loathing the man.  And this distinction made a difference in our being able to save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read our story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who spend a lot of time worrying about how their husband is feeling about the other woman with whom he cheated or had an affair. Very often, the affair is supposedly over and the couple is trying very hard to pick up the pieces of their marriage and their lives. But the one thing standing in their way is the husband’s perceived feelings for the other woman. Sometimes, he is very forthcoming about his feelings. And sometimes he isn’t. And frankly, there are times when his true feelings don’t even matter because the wife has her own theories, fears, and beliefs. Often, these beliefs come from watching her husband in the time after the affair’s discovery.

I often hear from wives who say things like: “my husband had a 7-week affair with a woman from his school. He actually has known her for years because she is in the same academic program as he is. They began their relationship as good friends. I never worried about her because she was married also. My husband broke off the affair as soon as I found out. We have been in counseling and he is doing what is asked of him. But I know he still longs for her and thinks about her. He switched to another program so he would not have to see her. He didn’t argue about doing this, but I know it was a huge setback for him. Because now, instead of being with his regular support system of students, he is with strangers. He doesn’t complain, really. But sometimes I see him staring into space and I know he is missing his old school life and her. One day I confronted him about this and his response was ‘to be honest with you, I do think about her sometimes. I probably always will. She was my friend first and I miss her. There is a void there and it might always exist. I wish I could turn off my feelings but I can’t. But I am committed to our marriage and she is committed to her marriage. It is over. You have my word. But I can’t help still thinking about her.’ I hated hearing these words from my husband. I can’t really get mad at him because he was being honest with me like I asked. However, after hearing this, I find myself wondering if am I going to have to compete with this ghost forever. Is my husband going to think about this woman, and long for her, for the rest of our lives? Because I don’t know if I can accept that. If this is going to be the case, I almost want to bow out now.”

These are very common concerns. And it’s not at all uncommon for husbands to believe that they still have or even will always have feelings for the other woman. Because something has been taken away from them, they don’t have the closure that comes with making your own decisions about things coming to a natural end. This can make their feelings seem more forceful or appear to be stronger than they actually are. I am not saying that the husband in this situation did not or could not have real feelings. He very likely did. But those feelings were likely not going to last forever. They can’t if he and the other woman don’t spend time together in order to keep those feelings going.

Understand That His Feeling For Her Will Likely Fade. And Your Feelings Will Change Also: I can all but promise you that you will feel differently about your situation in three, six, or eight months from now. The healing process takes time. You will learn things about yourself and your capacity to change and grow in that time. Your perceptions will likely shift also.

All of these things are true for your husband too. He will likely feel differently about his actions, the other woman, and even you. Often, these are all good things. The healing process can encourage growth and a strengthening that may not have happened otherwise.

With that said, although some wives truly want and embrace this healing, this growth, and this change. But they constantly question it and bring their husband’s attention back to the other woman. They are constantly asking him if he is still thinking about her and what he feels about her right now. This can thwart all that growth and healing that we have been talking about.

You can’t change the fact that she momentarily passed through your life. But her stay is now over. It’s time for her (and you) to move on. Don’t allow her anymore in your life by asking about her, questioning your husband about her, or feeling insecure about her.

The Best Way To Get Your Husband To Move On: Quite frankly, sometimes the best way to get your husband to move past her is to stop placing the focus on their relationship and start placing that same focus on your own. As you rebuild your marriage and learn to bond and appreciate one another again, those feelings are going to come back to you because the time, attention, and focus are on your relationship. You are feeding it what it needs to grow and the result is going to be those romantic feelings that come when you are spending time with and bonding with someone. Since he is no longer spending that kind of time with her, his feelings are going to fade. And as he starts to invest and you and your marriage, his feelings for you are doing to grow. Don’t delay the process by placing the focus that should be on you back onto her.

I worried about the other woman for too long.  I kept thinking about her even after she was long gone.  It wasn’t until I placed the focus back on my husband and myself that I was able to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from spouses who have just been outed for their cheating or affair. However, sometimes they are quite surprised as to the response that they are getting. Many expected a very emotional response which included everything from sadness, to fury, to devastation, but what some get instead is almost an indifferent response.

One example is the husband who says: “I thought that my wife would get so mad when I admitted to my affair that she was going to kick me out. But this isn’t what happened. She said that she had suspected me all along and that she wasn’t about to give up the life and standard of living that she had become accustomed to just because I decided to cheat. She almost acts as if she could care less.”

Another example is the wife who says: “my husband confronted me about cheating and I couldn’t look right at him and lie so I admitted it. I expected him to kick me out, to file for divorce, and to seek custody of our son. But he hasn’t done any of these things. He’s just continuing to act as if nothing happened. He’s kind of cold and distant but he hasn’t really addressed his anger. I would almost prefer it if he’d scream at me or tell me off, but he just continues on with his cold, detached demeanor. How can he act as if he doesn’t care about my affair? Does the fact that he doesn’t seem to care mean my marriage is over? I just don’t understand it.”

There are many reasons that you might not be getting the response that you expected regarding the affair. But these responses don’t always mean that your spouse doesn’t care. I will explain more below.

Don’t Be Fooled By Your Spouse’s Detached Or Unexpected Reaction To Your Affair. Sometimes, It Takes Time For Them To Express Their True Feelings: Sometimes, what you are experiencing right now is the calm before the storm. Often, people need time to process events like an affair because it is just so shocking and unsettling. And some people want to take their time in formulating their response because they know that there is no taking back their actions and their words once they put them out there.

Also, sometimes your spouse just isn’t sure how he or she feels. People often describe it as being “numb” or “being in shock.” If you’ve ever witnessed someone after an accident or other unexpected tragic events, you will often see similar behaviors – that sort of detached, delayed reaction that typically will come before their more authentic reaction takes place.

I am not telling you this to insist that your spouse’s anger will soon come forward. No one knows that for sure. But as someone who has dealt with my own spouse’s affair, I can tell you that the faithful spouse’s feelings can change very drastically on a whim. You can be numb one second and furious the next. You can be sobbing in the morning and coping better by the afternoon.

Here’s one more consideration. Many spouses are fully aware that your being unable to read their response is painful to you. In fact, it was quite possible that the spouse in the above scenario was fully aware that yelling and having a strong reaction would be a relief to the wife who just didn’t know how to react to the indifference. Quite often, they know that their silence and their indifference can actually be more painful or confusing to you than more straightforward, negative emotions.

How To Handle It When Your Spouse Doesn’t Seem To Care That You Had An Affair: To be quite frank about it, your spouse’s reaction to your affair is a completely separate issue than your own reaction and wishes. Start by asking yourself what you really want. Take your spouse and their reaction out of the equation and just worry about your own feelings.

Because if you really want to save your marriage, then you have bigger issues to worry about than your spouse’s lack of a response – at least at the beginning of the process. Know that their true feelings will eventually come out as they have more time to process this and as you begin the rehabilitation or healing process.

Don’t rely too much on their reaction to tell you the future state of your marriage. Feelings, perceptions, and intentions change very rapidly when infidelity is involved. Quite honestly, if you were to ask my husband during the week after I found out about his affair about the future of our marriage, he probably would have bet money that we would be divorced by the year’s end. I was that furious with him. But as time passed, my feelings and wishes changed.

Likewise, just because your spouse is acting like they don’t care about your affair (at least right now) this doesn’t mean that you are in the all clear or that you don’t have some major making up to do.

They very likely do care more than they are letting on and there is a good chance that you will see changes in their reactions, feelings, and wishes in the days ahead. But in the meantime, you should act in ways that are in line with what you truly want. If you really want to save your marriage, then the best thing that you can do is to begin the healing process despite your spouse’s lack of a reaction. I can nearly guarantee you that they are watching your behaviors very closely right now and that your actions are very likely going to influence their feelings and their plans in the future.

Because my reaction swung from one emotion to another after my husband’s affair, he had no idea how I really felt about him.  And to be honest, I had no idea either.  It took me a while to get my bearings and to determine what I wanted and how I truly felt. Eventually though,  not only did our marriage survive, it thrived.  But it took a lot of work.  If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to pick up the pieces of their lives after their husband cheated or had an affair. Being in this sort of pain and living with this kind of uncertainty is not much fun, so most people intuitively want to move on as soon as they possibly can. But often, it’s not as easy as just wanting and needing to move on. Sometimes, you have the best intentions and you are trying as hard as you possibly can, but you still get stuck in some ways.

I had a wife tell me, in part: “it’s the old standard cliché. My husband had an affair. I know that I am not the first wife to ever be cheated on and I certainly won’t be the last. I am trying very hard to move on. I am not sure if I’m going to save my marriage, but I know that I want to save myself. But I’m having issues with always feeling sorry for myself. The thing is, my mother was going through a bout of cancer and I was going back and forth between my house and hers to care for her. It was a horrible, exhausting scary time and I handled it as best as I could. Of course, this was not the best of times for my marriage because I was under a great deal of stress. I don’t deny that my husband was put on the back burner at that time. However about three weeks after my mother passed away from that same cancer, I found out that while I was caring for my mother, my husband was having an affair. And, because of all of the time I had to take off, I got terminated from my job. At a time in my life when I was just trying to help my mother, everything fell apart. I have no job, no mother, and I’m unsure if I have a marriage.  Because of this, I am always feeling sorry for myself. I can’t deny that my life is pretty pitiful. How can I stop feeling so sorry for myself and start healing?”

These are all good questions and I really felt for this wife. Talk about being kicked when you are down. The truth was, she was a bit justified in feeling sorry for herself. But another universal truth is that doing so really doesn’t do anything to help you move forward and to lessen your pain. So below, I’ll offer some tips on how to stop feeling sorry for yourself after your husband’s affair.

Take Inventory Of The Things That Are Going Right: It’s easy to place your focus on all that is going wrong right now. But, there is usually always something you can look to for comfort even if it is just that you are up and breathing for one more day.  Or that you can look outside your window and see the sunrise or the moon show its face at night.  You can be grateful for your friends, your extended family, your pets, your health, or your very life. As bad as things are for us sometimes, we can always find someone who has it worse. Begin taking inventory of the things that are right in your life or that give you comfort and pleasure and start focusing on those things. Find ways to do more of them.

Help Someone Else: Probably the most effective and fastest way I know that stop feeling sorry for yourself is to help someone else. I know that sometimes, you might feel as if the last thing you want to do is to reach out to someone else, especially strangers. But I have to tell you, once you do, you will feel so much better. This woman, in particular, loved animals. It might be a great idea to go walk some animals at her local shelter or volunteer to play and exercise with them. There is always something that you can do to lighten someone else’s load even if it is just by bringing dinner to a sick friend or paying the toll for the person driving behind you. I guarantee if you look for ways to be kind to others, you will notice that you are feeling sorry for yourself much less.

Take Inventory Of Ways To Regain Control Of Your Life. Understand That You Really Are In Charge: Don’t get me wrong. It is very understandable to feel like a victim when your husband has an affair. After all, you are now in a situation where you are having to clean up the mess that he made. It can feel as if you are at the mercy of his mistakes. But, to the best of your ability, you need to take control back.

I realize that you might wonder how you can do this or think that this is easier said than done. But the truth is, today you get to decide how you want for things to go from here on out. Think about what works for you and what doesn’t. Then, think about what you are able to and want to change. I know first hand that a husband’s affair can be devastatingly painful. But often, some growth and self-awareness come out of it.  And the result can be incredibly healthful. Because it almost forces you to take inventory of your life and demand change with whatever is no longer working. The whole idea is that once you do heal, you look around to find that the transformation has made some areas of your life much richer (and actually better) because you are much more self-aware and clear about what you do want and will or will not accept.

I felt sorry for myself for quite a while after my husband’s affair, but I had to pull myself out of it because of my children.  And taking the focus off of myself and my problems made all of the difference.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are absolutely furious after their husband’s affair. They are extremely resentful of the pain, betrayal, and humiliation that he has put them through and they want revenge. Many will come right out and admit that they want to make their husband miserable after he cheated or had an affair. And others are more passive aggressive about this. They might say that they want to save their marriage and move on, but they never pass up the opportunity to make their husband experience shame, humiliation, or misery for what he did.

And, as a wife who has been cheated on, I completely understand this. You can feel as if he has hurt you, so now it is payback time and you are free to hurt him. I heard from a wife who said “I feel so petty to say this, but sometimes I feel like my sole purpose in life and my greatest goal is to make my husband miserable after his affair. And on the rare occasions that I feel guilty about this, I just remember back to what that jerk did to me. While I was home with his children, he was cheating and lying and having an affair with that skank from his work. For months, I could tell something was wrong in our marriage and he tried to make me think that I was imaging things and even went so far as to tell me that was crazy. He made me out to be this paranoid, awful person who was making unfounded accusations. But guess what? I was absolutely right. He was cheating. I did have a reason to be worried. And so now, he will pay for his lies. I want him to be miserable every day so that he can remember the mistake that he made by doing what he did to me. But my mother says this isn’t healthy. I say that the revenge of making him miserable actually makes me feel better and that’s what counts. He says he doesn’t want a divorce and I’m not giving him one because that would be letting him off easy. Because I want him to spend every day of his miserable life with me and remember what he did.”

Wanting Your Husband To Feel As Miserable As You Do Is Completely Understandable: It’s totally understandable that you might want your husband to feel your pain, especially if he lied to you all along when you confronted him about this very topic. Not only did he deceive you, but he tried to make you think that you were unstable, overreaching, and crazy when you were only stated what you already knew.

His actions were absolutely deplorable. You deserve to be angry. And it is understandable why you want revenge and even why this might even make you feel some relief, at least for the short term. But here’s something that you may not have considered. If you dig deep, you might be able to admit that it’s possible that you want him to feel regret about cheating on you. And  you want him to feel guilty. However, if you are acting in mean and nasty ways (no matter who justified you might be in doing this) he is going to actually have an easier time justifying his cheating.

He’s going to look at your behavior and say or think things like “see, no wonder I was driven to cheat. Look at how petty and evil my wife is. It’s miserable being married to her. Even the best, most honorable man in the world might cheat on her.” Is this really how you want him to feel? Because if you really want him to feel regret and guilt, then you are better off painting yourself in a positive light rather than a negative one – which leads me to my next point.

Understand That Making Him Miserable Will Often Prolong Your Own Misery: I know that you may not believe this right now because you might actually think that causing him pain relieves yours. But quite frankly, the opposite can be true. Because in order to make him feel miserable, you must continue bringing up, referring to, and rehashing the affair. This means that in a sense you are reliving it and dredging up the pain every single day. Your own misery and pain will begin to fade once you start to move on. You can’t do that if you are revisiting this every single day. By refusing to let him move on, you’re doing the same to yourself. Do you really want that?

Also, ask yourself why you want to stay married. Is it really only to make him miserable? Or is it because you don’t want to let him (or your marriage) go? Because if this is the case, then you’re pretty much ensuring that your marriage isn’t going to be a happy one any time soon. Don’t you want and deserve a happy marriage? Because by ensuring this his marriage is a miserable one, that ensures that yours is too. And I’m sure that you don’t deserve that.

I am telling you this because I had these feelings too when my husband had an affair. Making him miserable, guilty, and unhappy was my highest goal. Eventually though, I realized that I wasn’t really accomplishing anything by focusing on the negative emotions that were painful to me. Frankly, my wanting revenge was a symptom of my pain and a cry for help. Once I began to focus on healing myself, my need for revenge lessened as well and I realized that my trying to keep him miserable was, in a sense, bonding myself. And I didn’t need or deserve that. So I found a way to quit. If it helps, you can read that whole painful story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are trying to determine how to get their husband to end his affair. Sometimes, the husband is very well aware of the fact the wife knows about the affair (as well as how she feels about it.)  Other times, the wife has not yet confronted the husband about his affair and she isn’t sure how to approach this. Some wives will wait and hope that the affair fizzles out so that she never has to disclose what she knows. These wives would rather take a wait and see approach than to put everything out in the open and deal with the nasty fallout that might come next. But usually what causes many wives to take definitive action is the desperate need for the affair to be over. It is hard enough to know that your husband is having an affair. But to sit by and watch him not ending it is something else entirely.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband knows that I suspect he is having an affair. I have confronted him about it many times, but he lies about it. I did a little checking and I know how long the affair has lasted and who the other woman is. I know when he goes out with her and what they are doing. I have waited and hoped that he would realize how stupid he is being and would end the affair on his own. But it has been several weeks now and this has not happened. So when should I tell him that I know about the affair and that it is time for him to end it? How do most wives approach this? Do most tell him that he must end his affair or else? Or do most just wait to see what is going to happen?”

I will try to answer these questions as best as I can, but keep in mind that wives are as different as the marriages that they are within. Different people will have different responses. But in my experience, very few wives sit by idly waiting for their husband to just end his affair when he feels like it. Instead, they will take some sort of action.

The Choices That You Have To Make In Terms Of Ending Your Husband’s Affair: At the very least, most will tell him that they know about the affair, don’t want to tolerate it, and want him to end it. Sometimes, the husbands is the situation will be very apologetic and will immediately break off the affair as the first step toward saving their marriage. Other husbands are not so decisive. Many will tell their wives that they have strong feelings for the other woman. They will say that they need time to decide who or what they want. And it is at this point that the wife will have a decision to make. She must decide if she’s going to take a stand and demand that the affair end (and set up the corresponding consequences if it does not) Or, she can chose to remove herself from the situation until he can come to a decision.

I can’t tell you which tactic to take or if it’s better for you to tell him that the affair has to end. I can tell you that many men do not take such ultimatums well. And even the ones who do begrudgingly end the affair sometimes find a way to blame their wives for the same so that the wife is almost painted as the bad guy in the situation. I get a lot of correspondence about this on my blog from both husbands and wives and I have to tell you that the outcome is usually better if the husband makes up his own mind to end the affair. It is better if he is able to do this because he knows that it is the right thing to and that, at the end of the day, he has made a mistake. Ultimately, he wants to make it clear that the thing which is most important to him is his marriage and his family. Because when a man comes to this decision on his own, he is free of resentment and it’s more likely that the decision is going to actually stick. This in turn means that your marriage is more likely to survive.

The Fear Or Confronting Your Husband Or Of Making Demands: This is only my opinion based on my own experience and from the people that I hear from on my blog, but I think that it is very difficult to sit by while you know that your husband is having an affair without letting him know what you know. Many wives are afraid of a confrontation, but living in the dark this way can be every bit as unhealthy as shining a light on the affair so that healing and a resolution can begin. As for whether or not to demand that the affair ends, it’s not my place to tell you what to do. I think it’s fine to make it clear that you can’t participate in a marriage with another woman in it. You can always tell him that when he makes a decision about ending the affair, then you can discuss what happens with your marriage or moving on. To me, this is preferable to giving strongly worded “all or nothing ultimatums that generally don’t work that well. Plus, once you’ve made it clear that things are not going to remain the same in your marriage while he continues on with the affair, this will usually give him the incentive to go ahead and freely make his choice. But forcing him into a choice will often paint you as the aggressor or the bad guy when you are anything but.

I didn’t give my husband an ultimatum after his affair, but I made it clear that if he wanted to continue to be married to me, there were several things that were going to need to happen – one of which was his complete faithfulness.  I believe that him coming to his decisions on his own contributed to us being able to save our marriage after the affair.  It it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  A good number of women struggle with their husband’s feelings for the other woman with whom he had an affair. Women often see through these feelings much more than men assume. Often, he will tell his wife that he wants to save his marriage and that he is committed to her, but somewhere deep inside, the wife knows that he can’t simply turn his feelings off and on. The wife suspects that he still has very strong feelings for the other woman, no matter what he might claim to the contrary.

And sometimes, it comes to the light that although the husband swore he would break off all contact with the other woman, this just isn’t the case. Although he may no longer be sleeping with her, he sometimes finds that he just can’t stay away and he will continue to be in contact even though the affair is over.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband swears that his commitment is to me and our son. He says being a father is more important to him than the other woman with whom he had an affair. And he does come straight home and does whatever it is that I ask him to do. He is making an effort in our marriage. I can’t fault him for his actions where our family and our marriage are concerned. He does appear to sincerely be trying to save our marriage and to make this up to me. And yet, there are times when I will catch him out of the corner of my eye and I see a huge sadness in him. I am almost certain that he misses her. The other day, I logged onto his email. I admit that this is wrong, but I had to know if he was still in contact with her. Of course, there was an email between them. And he did tell her that although they will no longer see one another, he wanted for her to know how much she will always mean to him and what she taught him about himself. He said that no other person had ever understood him and valued him in the way that she did and that he will always be grateful to her for this. Reading this email broke my heart. It didn’t make me angry like I thought it might. It actually made me sad. It made me feel guilty that I am keeping him from her when maybe she truly does make him happy. My husband and I are very different people. I do love him and I know that he loves me, but sometimes I feel that we are not that suited to one another. Maybe he has found someone who can truly make him happy. I can’t help feeling that maybe I should just bow out and let her have him. Am I crazy?”

I certainly didn’t think this wife was crazy at all. I thought that she was selfless and unbelievably kind. And I also thought that it was too early in the healing process for her to make these types of decisions. I will tell you why below.

Don’t Assume That Someone Else Can Make Your Husband Happy. Give Yourself A Chance Before You Give Up And Hand Him Over: The wife was making a very dangerous assumption. She was assuming that she could not make her husband happy even if her marriage was rehabilitated. It was way too early to make that call. She wasn’t even giving her marriage a chance to recover. And she was assuming that she and her husband weren’t suited to one another before she even gave her rehabilitated marriage a fair chance.

The thing is, there is no way for you to know what your marriage is going to be like 3, 6, or 8 months down the road. Many people find that their marriages are actually stronger and more authentic after the affair (assuming that they do the work to make this so.) Don’t sell yourself short before you give yourself the chance.

I’d like to make one final point. The sweet wife in this situation was so worried about what was going to make her husband happy. But what about what made her happy? Or her son happy? Didn’t they count just as much?

Understand That Your Husband’s Feelings About The Affair And The Other Woman Are Still Fresh And Therefore May He Amplified And Likely To Change: This wife was making the husband’s affair into this great star crossed love story and this was likely giving it more credit than it deserved. People tend to develop very strong feelings during the affair (or they mistakenly think that they do) because they need for this to be the case in order to justify their actions. Who is going to risk their marriage or their family for a relationship or another woman who is nothing special? Of course it has to be made into something more than it is. That’s what makes it possible or even worth it, (at least in the minds of the people who are doing the cheating.)

But guess what? With a little time and rehabilitation, it often becomes clear that the perception of the relationship and the reality of it are two very different things. Many husbands will look back a few months after the affair and realize that it was all built upon a deck of cards. They realize that it wasn’t all that real or special at all, which is why just handing your husband over to the other woman without giving yourself or your marriage a fair chance is the wrong call, at least in my opinion.

I think it’s a mistake to make assumptions about your marriage this early. In the weeks following my husband’s affair, I never thought we’d make it, but we did. It wasn’t always easy. But it was worth it. Our marriage is very solid today. If you like, you can read that whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from people who are trying to understand or figure out what things contributed to their spouse cheating or having an affair. Sometimes, their spouse makes sincere attempts to explain their behavior or themselves. But their explanations often aren’t enough, don’t make sense, or just don’t begin to touch all of the questions that you have. And truly trying to understand the things that lead up to the affair can feel vitally important to you because you feel that if you can begin to understand it, then you could have faith that you could identify the signs if they should ever appear again. This knowledge will help you begin to heal and will be the cornerstone in allowing you to trust again.

I often hear from spouses who say things like: “my husband can’t or won’t explain what lead up to the affair. I need to understand this because I don’t want for this to ever happen to me again. But how can I understand it when he won’t or can’t give me the information that I need? Can you tell me what sorts of things lead up to an affair?” Another example is something like: “my wife denies that anything was wrong with our marriage. And yet, she cheated on me with another man. She says I was a wonderful, attentive husband and that none of this was my fault. How is that possible? Why would someone cheat on a spouse that they love? Why would someone have an affair when their marriage is good? How does an affair just start up out of the blue?” I will try to address these questions in the following article.

The Things That Lead Up To An Affair: The contributing factors to an affair vary just like the people who are involved vary. People are different and are motivated by many different factors. With that said, there are some universal things that can lead up to or cause an affair. Here are some of them.

Individual Crisis: I believe that is probably the most common thing that leads up to an affair. It is not coincidence that you will often see an affair in mid life, after the death of a parent, after the loss of a job, or at a time when you feel some sort of loss. People often tell me that, at the time of their affair, they felt as if their life was missing something. Or that the same life didn’t make them feel alive because it wasn’t exciting enough. Of course, what they do not see at the time is that this often didn’t have a thing to do with their marriage. It’s not their spouse’s fault that they are not living their own life fully, although they often cannot see that at the time.

Often, they feel as if they are lost and are trying to find their way. And the affair can be an unplanned diversion that allows them to ignore or live around whatever it is that is hurting or bothering them. It’s usually not until some time has passed that they are able to clearly see their mistake and to discover that they were reacting to their own shortcomings and vulnerabilities due to anything that happened with their spouse or their marriage.

They Feel Unappreciated, Misunderstood, Or Not Desired: It’s not uncommon for me to hear from people who have cheated or had an affair who are using excuses like: “my wife doesn’t understand me.” or “my husband didn’t listen to me,” or “my spouse doesn’t appreciate or get me” as justification for their cheating. Of course, there is never any justification for cheating, but you will hear these explanations time and time again. Again, this comes back to feeling vulnerable about external factors in your life. It’s easy to blame your own lack of confidence and security on your spouse, when in fact you could have asked for what you needed. But placing at least some of the blame on the state of their marriage or their spouse is a very common theme.

An Affair Can Be A Way To Reclaim A Certain Period Or Feeling In A Life: I often hear about people who began a Facebook affair because doing so makes them feel better about themselves. Sometimes, they reconnect with old loves and, other times, they connect with virtual strangers who only know the persona that they have so carefully crafted. When the cheating spouse begins a new relationship, they get to a be a shiny and new person who is better than their real self. This type of reinvention can be very exciting and appealing and it’s a big reason for the huge upswing in affairs that begin online. You get to be who you want to be and the person you are cheating with only knows you from the details that you yourself have so carefully crafted and then provided.

Understand That Many People Don’t Start Out Intending To Have An Affair: I do firmly believe that many people do not consciously intend to have an affair. Even if their behavior is obvious or inappropriate to others, this often is not the case with themselves. They will tell themselves that the other person is just a friend. They will feel relieved that the other person listens to or appreciates them. And they will tell themselves that they will pull away from the relationship if and when it crosses the line. Of course, when it does the cross the line and the cheating starts, it’s not always as easy to reign it in as was originally thought.

There are times when they believe that they have developed real feelings for the other person or the payoff from the forbidden nature of the affair makes it more exciting and so the pay off is very high, especially at first. Once the line is crossed, the lines in the sand aren’t always as clear. And often panic sets in, which makes sound decision making hard to come by.

None of this means that your marriage can’t be saved after an affair, especially if you can understand the flawed mindset that lead up to it in the first place.  It was very hard for me to understand what lead up to my husband’s affair. We were happy. Our lives and our marriage were good. But I was open to listening and what I learned was a real eye opener. If it helps, you can read the whole personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who are seething because as they are trying to reconnect with their husband and save their marriage after his affair, but their husband is defending the other woman. The wife often does not understand how her husband could be so stupid as to look at his wife and defend the woman who is the source of all of their problems.

I heard from a wife who said: “to be quite honest about it, I hate the other woman. I mean, I loathe her. I think she’s a low quality tramp who set out to take what was mine. I think she is a liar and a cheat. She knows my family. I wouldn’t call us friends anymore. But I know her children and her husband. I know how she snuck behind every one’s back and pursued my husband. I know how she lied right to my face. I know how she took advantage of the fact that I was going through medical issues that stressed my marriage while she pounced like the predator that she is. But when I tell my husband this, he will say that I am making assumptions and that I don’t really know that much about her. He will assure me that she’s not an evil person and that she does have some redeeming qualities. This infuriates me! Why does he defend her behavior?” I have some theories on this which I will discuss below.

Some Reasons That Husbands Defend The Other Woman: I absolutely understand why this makes you so angry. I’ve been there. It’s easy to hate the other woman. It’s normal to make her out to be the villain. And I don’t think that anyone can deny that a woman who preys on another woman’s husband (when she knows he is married and is married herself) is lacking in integrity and moral character. But you know what? When you give your husband a laundry list of the things that are deplorable about her, he often knows that these attributes apply to him too.

If you say that the other woman was a sneaky, evil person who snuck around who took advantage of the wife’s illness, well, all of these attributes apply to the husband as well. He also snuck around and used the wife’s medical treatments to meet with the other woman. So it can be painful for him to hear you tearing into her, when he knows that he is just as guilty.

Also, it’s very common for men to feel a little defensive about anything to do with the affair (including the other woman.) This is because he feels the need to justify his actions. If we define the other woman as a nasty, conniving, hideous creature that doesn’t deserve the time of day, then what does this say about your husband and his judgment? What does this say about his decision making process and impulse control? He doesn’t want to admit these negative things about himself. And admitting the negative things about her means he has no choice to acknowledge the negative things about himself.

Many wives worry that the husband’s defense of the other woman can mean that he is still invested and still has feelings for her. Sometimes, this is possible and you need to be on the look out for it. Many husbands tell me that they find it difficult to just turn off their feelings for the other woman once the affair has found out. It’s as if they are suddenly supposed to hate this person with whom they’ve spent a lot of time and for whom they risked quite a bit. If they acknowledge how foolish they were to take these risks for someone who had no redeeming qualities whatsoever, then they really do look like a fool. And even folks with a guilty conscience and who are fully aware that they are wrong do not want to look like a fool.

So understand that sometimes their defending the other woman is a means of self preservation and their effort to maintain at least some of their self esteem. It doesn’t always mean that they still have feelings for her and don’t want to save their marriage. It can mean that they hear your criticism of her as criticism of them and of the affair and this can be painful. So they want to avoid it. And part of that is trying to shut you down when you talk about her.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Keeps Defending The Other Woman: Hopefully you now you might understand why he is being defensive. Now, let’s talk about how to handle it. The next time these types of conversations come up, you might say something like: “we are just going to have to agree to disagree when it comes to her. I will never look at her favorably, but that doesn’t matter all that much because going forward, it is about me and you. It’s not about her. In fact, I’d like to stop placing my focus on her and placing my focus on us.”

This is the best way to go because quite frankly, it doesn’t matter what type of person she is in terms of your marriage. What matters is that you heal, you move forward, and you are one day happy and fulfilled again.

I understand your anger and outrage. I felt the same way. But eventually I realized that I was giving this woman more attention and worry than she deserved. Once I stopped focusing on her and started focusing on my marriage, things got much better. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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