Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who are trying to decide on the best way to handle the woman at work (coworker) who their husband has cheated with. Often, they are left wondering if they should go and confront her face to face, if maybe they should contact via letter or email to avoid the face to face contact, or if they should just ignore her all together. Which option the wife is leaning toward will usually depend on a combination of her personality, the other woman, and the circumstances of the affair.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband admitted to me that he cheated with and eventually started up a short affair with a coworker. This woman recently transferred into my husband’s division at work. So I have never met her. Last quarter, his division went to an out of state seminar. The cheating started at the hotel where the seminar took place and they continued on with the affair after they got home. However, my husband said that once he got back home to reality, he knew that it was a mistake and he immediately wanted to cut it off. He said the other woman resisted cutting it off at first. And that’s why I feel the need to go see her or maybe send her a letter. I sort of want to see what she looks like and feel her out. But, more than that, I want her to know that this man has a family at home to whom he is responsible and committed. I want her to know about the two little boys who run to the door every night when their father comes home. I want her to know what she is potentially wrecking. So should I go see her? I want to but I’m afraid I might break down or lose my temper. That’s why writing her a letter or sending her an email is another option. I could have my say without having to worry about losing control of my emotions or the wild card of how she is going to react to me. My husband is begging me just to leave her alone. He says that it was hard enough getting her to accept the message of ‘it’s over’ and if I get her all stirred up by confronting her, I will only make matters worse. What is the right call here? Should I go see or email her? Or should I just try to let her go and hope that she moves on so my husband and I can try and do the same?”

Depending on who is asking the question, you’re going to get different answers. As a wife who has been cheated on, I do understand the desire to face, communicate with, or clarify things for this woman. However, in the couple of years that I have had my blog, I have so rarely seen this scenario turn out satisfying or making things better. I will tell you why I think this is the case in the following article.

Often The Other Woman Will Have The Need To Defend Herself Which Compromises Any Closure Or Clarification That You Are Trying To Achieve: Many wives want to get a mental picture of the competition. They want to see if this other woman is pretty and how she compares to them. But what you may not consider is that will happen if she’s not what you expected. So many times, wives will tell me that they meet her and that she’s not even pretty or appealing in any way. So then their mind will start to go in overdrive to determine what the appeal might have been.

Another thing that sometimes happens is that you hope that she will be reassuring and understanding so that you will get some closure, but you find that she is anything but. She will tell you that your husband was the aggressor. Particularly mean or resentful women will even try to make you think the affair is still going on when it isn’t. At the very least, you need to understand that it’s human nature to want to defend yourself when confronted and to paint yourself out to be the innocent victim. This is what you might get when you confront her and you will then need to decipher what she says or decide who you are going to believe which means that you will likely go home and make all sorts of accusations towards your husband which will ensure that the progress for which you’ve worked so hard will now be in question. So that closure and clarification that you wanted? Sometimes not only do you not get that, but you’re more confused and conflicted than before you contacted her.

Some Drawbacks Of Sending Her A Letter Or Email: There are some advantages to contacting her in writing. She can’t interrupt you. And you won’t be bombarded with a response. You don’t have to worry about your emotions taking over when you try to deliver the message. However sending her an email doesn’t ensure that she won’t have her say. Many wives find that the other woman emails them back or worse, shows up on their doorstep with smoke coming out of her ears ready to pick a fight.

And you have to watch what you say when you put your message in writing because she has written proof of what you have said. Never include something that you wouldn’t want your husband to know or read because you can bet that she’s going to march right to your husband and let him read what you have written.

I often advise wives to go ahead and write the letter or email, but promise themselves that they will hold onto it for five days before sending it. Often, you will hopefully find that just the act of putting your feelings into words will help. And the five days will give you some time to calm down and really think long and hard about whether sending the letter or email is really necessary. After having some time to think about it, you might decide that the risk just isn’t worth it.

The Bottom Line: To me, the bottom line is that the face-to-face meeting and the letter to the other woman (especially when she is a coworker) rarely goes well. Often, seeing her is just going to give you a mental picture to have in your mind every time your husband goes to work. If there are some things that you want her to know about your family, you can enlist a trusted friend who also works at the company. This is probably the best call. You don’t want your husband communicating with her any longer. And you’re doing so just opens the door for more heartache and drama. In my opinion and experience, the best thing that you can do is to try to improve your marriage and move on with your life. If at all possible, have your husband move to another department and project so that he no longer has to work closely with her and get her as far away from him and your family (both literally and figuratively) as is possible.

As I alluded to, I had issues about contact and talking the other woman after my husband’s affair. In the end, I decided not to. And from all of the stories I hear on my blog, I am glad I made this choice. Meeting with her wasn’t necessary to save my marriage after the affair, because I did that anyway – without any assistance or information from her. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who are caught in kind of a love triangle between their husband and someone else. Their husband apparently can’t decide between them and the other woman.  Often, they never suspected that they would find themselves in this position. But when the choice is to allow your husband to walk away from you after all of the time and effort you have put into your marriage, the lines that have you have previously drawn are sometimes not as clear cut now.

I recently heard from a wife who said “last year, my husband developed a relationship with his assistant. He has known this woman for years and, if I’m being honest, I have always liked her. Last year, one of her children became ill and my husband went out of his way to support her in every way that he could. This was the right thing to do, but unfortunately as the result, their relationship turned romantic and an affair began. I found out about their relationship last month. My husband insists that he loves me and doesn’t want a divorce. So I told him that he had to fire the other woman and cut off all contact with her. He did not hesitate to tell me that he could not do that. Not only would he never let her down when her son is ill, and he admitted that he has come to love her like family and he depends on her so much. I told him if that is how he feels then he should just let me go, but he won’t. He’s constantly sending flowers and buying me gifts and begging me to go to dinner with him. He doesn’t hide our relationship from the other woman. It’s become quite the mess. I don’t want to lose my husband. But I can’t participate in this love triangle forever. What is a wife supposed to do when her husband can’t choose between her and the other woman? Should you give him an ultimatum? Should you try to break them up? What is the best course of action? I’m sorry that her life is so tough and her son is sick, but I’m not ready to hand over my husband.”

This is a very tough situation. It’s one thing if you hate the other woman or she is evil. Because then, it’s easy to want to banish her from your life and never look back. But when you know her personally, have liked her, and know that she is facing a tough personal challenge, then all of these things make a difficult situation even worse.

Even so, I have a definite opinion on how I feel it best to proceed in this situation. This opinion is based on own experience and on the experience of many who comment on my blog.

It Is Truly Best If Your Husband Makes His Own Decision When He Chooses Between The Two Of You: I have to tell you that I dialog with many women who have given their husband an ultimatum and then have celebrated when their husband begrudgingly chose them over the other woman. But what you often do not think about is what happens after he comes home and the two of you try to pick up the marriage where you left off. Because things sometimes are not so easy then. Although the husband might have chosen the wife, he can sometimes still have feelings for the other woman. And the result is him moping around and pining for her. Needless to say, this can make his homecoming and the marriage less than happy because he’s always going to know somewhere in the back of his mind that he made a forced decision. As a result, he may not be a full participant in the marriage.

That’s why it’s preferable to allow him to come to his own decision. I know that I am asking a lot. I know that this is a very scary thought. Because you worry that if you give your husband even a little room, the other woman will push him toward her instead and, ultimately, you will lose him. But to be honest, if she makes the mistake of pushing him, then she might be on the receiving end of the scenario that I just described, which would not be the worst thing for you or your marriage.

A Suggested Script For When Your Husband Can’t Decide Between You And The Other Woman: Since I’ve already suggested that you allow his husband to make his own decision without your offering ultimatums or threats, now I’m going to suggest a conversation that you might want to have to draw a line in the sand. I think that is very unhealthy for you to participate in a love triangle. It’s degrading and it laughs in the face of your marriage vows. So a suggested conversation might be something like: “it’s clear that you are having a hard time choosing between me and her. And I’m not going to add to your burden by giving you an ultimatum or throwing a fit. I’m disappointed that we are in this situation. And I can’t respect myself and continue to live this way, but I know that you need time. So I am going to take some time for myself while you are deciding that you want to do. When you come to a decision, let me know. But I can’t participate in our relationship when there is someone else in it. I want to save our marriage. But we can’t do that while she is still present. So when and if you decide that our marriage is your priority, you know where to find me.”

Many wives tell me that this strategy feels risky. I know that it does. But with this strategy you are maintaining your self esteem and you’re allowing her to make the mistakes. She will likely push him where you have stepped away and she will look more negative by comparison. Either way, this is the only true way to know how he really feels so that once he does make a decision, you will know that you didn’t unduly influence it and you are more likely to believe that it is accurate. And if he does choose you, you’ll know that he did so willingly and that he truly is committed to your marriage. Plus, because you’ve taken yourself out of the equation, if he really wants you, then he will be motivated to make a quick decision.

I know that this is probably a very painful time for you. But please hang in there. Healing may be closer than you think. I never would have believed that I could have saved my marriage after my husband’s affair, but that is exactly what happened eventually. It wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives whose husbands are on the defensive after his affair. Often, the wife is just trying to clarify what happened to cause the infidelity, what happens to the marriage now, and how she can begin to heal. As a result, she understandably has some questions and some need for clarification. But, when she tries to get these things, her husband may decline to answer the questions or even make the wife out to be the bad guy by saying that all of the questions and implications make him feel attacked.

I recently heard from a wife who said “although my husband’s affair has challenged me in all sorts of ways and I am still reeling, I have never said or even hinted that I want to end my marriage. In fact, I have made it very clear that once healing has been completed, I want to save my marriage. But in order for us to recover from this, I need to understand so many things about the affair and why it happened. My husband is so reluctant and resistant to sharing anything with me. He says that my questions are just attacks on him. I don’t mean for them to come out that way, but how am I supposed to get answers if I don’t ask the questions? I almost think that if he had his way, I would just pretend like the affair never happened. But that’s just not going to be possible for me. How can we possibly recover if every time I try to get information from my husband or even bring up the affair, he tells me he feels attacked?”

This is a delicate situation. I will be honest in saying that some men will use the “attack card” as a way to not talk about the affair. But I do hear from a lot of men on my blog who seem sincere in their feeling of being attacked by their wife. But here is an important distinction. Many will tell you that it’s not so much what their wife says (although she can and often does say some hurtful things and asks some hard questions,) it is often her tone and the look on her face that are the real problems.

On my blog, men often tell me things like “I will admit that I do feel attacked by my wife when we are talking about the affair. Because the more information that comes out, the more that her tone of voice becomes nasty. She starts talking fast. Her face clouds over. She begins to frown and she will literally back away from me. Clearly, she does not like the answers or information that I am giving her. But she is also demanding the truth. So it is like I am caught between a rock and a hard place. And her reactions lead to more questions and that’s when I know that I’ve really dug a hole for myself and when I feel really viciously attacked. Because it’s almost like she’s waiting for me to bite with the wrong answer so she can pounce on me once again.”

Of course, if you talked to the wife in this situation, she would tell you that she just wanted answers and that, in order to get them, sometimes she has to talk to her husband harshly to get the truth. And as a result, it can sometimes come out sounding like an attach when this was not her intention. This is a real shame because both people are going into this situation trying their best to move forward, but they are making assumptions about how their spouse is feeling.

This is very common because both people can feel injured, criticized, and vulnerable so it is just easier to make assumptions than to ask for clarification. I can offer you a few tips to help in this situation though, which I will do right now

Ask Your Husband To Give You A Signal When He Is Feeling Attacked And Learn to Redirect Quickly: Often, we get stuck in the heat of the moment and we know it’s not going well but we feel as though we are on the verge of the answers that we want so much and so we continue to push. What we don’t realize is that our husband is just going to shut down and then the next time the topic comes up, he’s going to keep giving us less and less information until he’s completely shut down.

That’s why it’s important that you allow him to give you a signal or to tell you when he’s feeling attacked so that you can take a break or redirect for a minute. Now, this doesn’t mean that you are never going to come back the original question or that you are no longer going to need answers or information. It just means that for right now, you are respecting his feelings enough to delay the conversation. He might just say “let’s take a break” or you might come up with some silent signal.

It’s equally important that your husband doesn’t abuse this as a way to never answer you. But if you can set it up so that he feels safe and free to tell you the truth, then he will become more comfortable over time and you will get more of the truth. Too often, we set it up so that he becomes scared and reluctant to tell us what we say we really want to know and so we never get those answers. Sometimes if you really want to the answers, you have to have patience. And quite frankly, the answers are just the beginning. Because at the end of the day, many of us want to save our marriage. Alienating our husband and making him scared to death to talk to us is not the most effective way to do this.

I know that this is a difficult situation and it’s not your fault that you have questions to which you deserve the answers. But you will have a greater chance of getting them if you can make him feel as comfortable as possible during the process.

I’m sure that my husband felt attacked in many of our conversations after his affair, but my true feelings just had a way of coming out. Over time, we both learned to communicate better and to be honest about how we were feeling and this helped tremendously. If it helps, you can read about the process of saving our marriage after his affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from women who feel particularly damaged by their husband’s affair because of their change in their lives before and after this event. Many women describe themselves as completely different (and better) before their husband’s affair came into the picture. And this can make the fall out and the damage cut more deeply. Many feel like they’ve given up everything.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “I feel like I have lost everything since my husband’s affair. When I met my husband, I was a successful career woman. Frankly, I had it all. But when we fell in love, we decided that we would settle down and start a family. So I willingly agreed to stay home when we had children. I willingly gave up my job and my lifestyle. I used to wear designer suits and now I wear sweats. I’ve put on some weight and I’m sure that I’m much less interesting to be around. And after I made all of these sacrifices, what do I find out now? That while I’m at home caring for my husband’s two small children, he is out cheating on me. And so now I’ve gone from a successful, high earning executive to a stay at home mom with an unfaithful husband. It’s so unfair and I’m so angry about it. I feel like I’ve given up (and lost) everything because of this man. And I’m not sure that I want to leave or divorce him because of my children. How ironic is that? And what am I supposed to do now?”

I get this type of correspondence all of the time and it breaks my heart because I recognize so much of myself in it. When my kids were little, I used to view myself as “just a stay at home mom.” And believe me, there is nothing wrong with being a mom. It is the most important job in the world. But my husband’s affair wrecked my already low self esteem. And I had to make some major changes in the way that I saw myself in order to heal. I tried very hard to heal without making these changes, but my own self esteem issues were keeping me from doing that. I will discuss this more in the following article.

What Has Happened To You Is Not Fair, But You Have The Power To Turn It Around: I’m not going to tell you that everything happens for a reason or even to look on the bright side. Because I don’t think that advice works all that well. You can’t change your husband’s affair. It happened. There is no taking it back. But the choices that you make today and tomorrow are going to affect the outcome of your life and about how you feel about yourself.

If you don’t look at yourself favorably, or if you sell yourself out or shoot yourself down as someone who is “just a stay at home mom” this is going to translate in how you handle your situation from this day forward. You may no longer be a career woman today, but who is to say that will not change? If you want to one day go back to work, you are skilled and capable enough to do that. We all have the ability to craft our own lives. Do not underestimate or downplay yourself. In fact, I would suggest that you do just the opposite. I suggest that you use the affair as motivation to make your life as you want it to be right now.

I know it may sound ridiculous to you. But I am not being insincere when I say that my husband’s affair was the catalyst that made me take a hard look at how I was living my life and how I was selling myself short. I would never trade the years that I spent at home with my children. I am very grateful I had that opportunity and I think it had a profound impact on my children. However, there came a time when it was appropriate and in my own best interest for me to pursue my own dreams and goals. To be quite honest, I may have not have pursued those things if my husband’s affair had never happened.

I suddenly realized that I felt second best and I absolutely hated that feeling. I started changing my life “to show” or “to prove” something to my husband. But the changes that I made stuck. And they were for the better. And at the end of the day, the changes were truly not about my husband. They were about me.

This may sound crazy to you, but I am going to suggest it anyway. Your husband’s affair and the feeling that you have given up or lost everything may well be two separate issues. Yes, your husband’s affair may have brought your feelings of isolation to the forefront. But they were probably laying in wait all the same. Your husband’s affair and being a stay at home mom does not change the capable woman who you are and will always be. Do not let your husband’s actions change that. I understand that you may well feel like you have lost or have given up everything to a man who didn’t care enough to stay faithful. But I would suggest to you that now you have the opportunity to be found – by yourself. Don’t accept less than what you deserve and truly want. You may or may not chose to save your marriage. But I sure hope that you chose to save yourself. And these issues are, in my opinion, somewhat separate. I did save my marriage. But saving myself was a separate issue. And I think I would have done this regardless of what happened in my marriage.

At the end of the day, my husband’s affair forced me to take a hard look at my life and make some changes that needed to be changed. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are having a hard time keeping quiet about their husband’s affair. This can be true even when the affair has long been over and a good amount of time has passed. Many times, the wives truly do want to move on, but they can’t seem to do so and one way that this manifests itself is by them constantly making snide comments about their husband and his affair.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband’s affair has been over for over a year. I should have processed it more than I have by now. We are trying to save our marriage and move on. I truly am committed to doing that but, I don’t always act like it. I always find myself making mean, sarcastic and snide comments to my husband about his affair. For example, if he calls to say he’s caught up at work, I will say something like ‘sure you are. How do I even know that is true?’ Or, if he so much as looks at another woman I will say ‘is she your next affair?’ A final example is if my husband compliments me in any way I’ll say something like ‘yeah sure, I’ll bet that’s what you were thinking about me when you slept with someone else.’ I know these comments are uncalled for and only make things worse, but I can’t seem to stop myself.”

Boy, do I understand this issue. I have been there myself. And it is not at all uncommon. I would say it’s a rare wife that doesn’t make at least a few snide comments or who occasionally brings up the affair. You can’t be expected to just never worry about or bring it up again. But, when it becomes almost obsessive or you feel that it really is causing problems or making the situation worse, then it’s time to address it, which I will attempt to help you do below.

Ask Yourself If You Keep Making Remarks Because Of Unresolved Issues: Often, when you find yourself unable to quit making those snide little comments, it’s not because you are an evil person or that you will never heal or get over this. Instead, it’s possible that these comments are coming about because you have doubts or concerns about issues that keep coming up. Do you still not trust your husband? Do you still worry that he’s not sorry or remorseful enough? Is it a concern that he will cheat again? Do you worry that he’s telling little white lies that will lead to bigger lies like more infidelity?

Because very often, your comments are a way of attempting to get a reaction or response out of your husband. And many times, you’re hoping that this response will lead the way to the change that you have been wanting but have not yet seen.

What To Do If You Want To Stop Constantly Making Comments About The Affair: As I alluded to before, ask yourself if your comments are the result of unresolved issues and then try to solve those issues. If you can do this, you might find that the comments stop, or at least slow down.

However, if they are still a problem. Then try these strategies to get some relief. Pause whenever a comment pops into your head and then stop for a second and ask yourself what you really want to say. For example, a comment like “sure, you think I’m pretty. Is that why you cheated on me?” might be a front for concerns like: is he still attracted to and committed to me? Can I trust him to tell me the truth?

You might want to find a time when you can freely say what you really want to ask. That way, those comments that are really meant to ask or express something else won’t need to come out quite so much. If all else fails, train yourself to pause, count to 10, or change the subject when you are tempted to make a comment. Then, ask yourself if you could ask the question you really want to ask or if your comment was really meant to just blow off steam or serve any purpose.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I understand the temptation and even the need to make these comments. And I know how it feels not to be able to stop or control them. But I also know that they don’t really serve any purpose, rather than to keep the pain and frustration going. I also know that you can learn different behaviors that are more productive to you and your marriage.

When my husband’s affair was still fresh, I did constantly make a lot of sarcastic and hurtful comments. But eventually I vowed to be very conscious of myself doing this and I forced myself to say what was really on my mind. That helped tremendously and it was one of the first steps toward my healing and moving on. If it helps, you can read that whole personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who don’t feel that they are being treated altogether fairly after their husband cheated or had an affair. They are often quite hurt, disappointed, and still reeling and yet they can feel a lot of pressure to just pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and move on – even when they feel like doing anything but that.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband had an affair last year. Immediately afterward, I kicked him out because I just could not stand the sight of him. But my kids suffered as a result. And, if I am bring honest, I have to admit that I missed him too and eventually I realized that I do not want to sacrifice my marriage. So I eventually let him move back home. But once he did, it was like he expected me to just put on a happy face and act as if the affair never happened. I have just not been able to do that. I’m still angry. I’m still disappointed. I need to see a lot of remorse and changes in him. But he doesn’t seem to want to hear this. Even my friends are telling me that he isn’t going to be patient with me forever. I’ve had male friends who have cheated on their own wives tell me that eventually, they left their wives because they just couldn’t take her always dwelling on the affair. They advise me to take the high road and resist the urges that I have to contact the other woman, or grill my husband about the affair. This frustrates me so badly. Why do I always have to take the high road and pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t? I’m still mad as hell. My husband still hasn’t done enough to make this up to me. Why does he get off Scot free?”

As a woman who has been cheated on myself, I understand these concerns very well. It often isn’t fair that the wife is eventually expected to just move on before she is ready or wants to do so. I will discuss this more in the following article.

If You Don’t Yet Feel Ready Or Able To Take The High Road Yet, Seek A Compromise: I do agree that there is often a double standard with the affair. It’s almost as if the husband and society will give the wife a very set and short amount of time to “get over it” and when that time is up, then the wife should pull stakes and move on. Wives who feel that this is unfair would most certainly be right. It’s not. So what happens if you’re being pushed to take the high road and move on but you feel this is unfair and that you are not ready? Try to find some compromise.

Because at the end of the day, both sides have some merits. I 100 percent understand your right to feel exactly as you do for as long as you need to. I also understand your right to continue to ask questions as long as necessary. At the same time, though, I do hear from a lot of men who tell me that, no matter what they do, say or try, their wife seems determined to hold onto the affair for life. They also say that, despite their best intentions and their love for their wife, they are not sure how much longer they can have patience because they are living a life in which their mistakes are always thrown back in their face and they are living feeling horrible about themselves 100 percent of the time.

So you can see how both people are entitled to their feelings. That’s why a compromise can be the best scenario. Find out from your husband what bothers him the most. This might be your continuing to ask questions that he has already answered or your always bringing every issue back to the affair. Some people have success agreeing to one set time to go over any questions or issues that have to do with the affair. Maybe you will sit down and talk once per day or even once a week as recovery has begun. This way, you will know that you are going to have your say and your chance to ask questions, while your husband knows that he will have a reprieve so he will likely have more patience during the set time that you do discuss it.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to sit on or choke down your feelings, but it can be a good idea to limit them to a set time. However, it’s important to get them out and work on what is causing them because you don’t deserve to feel them forever.

Why Taking The High Road (When You Are Ready) Benefits You As Much As It Benefits Your Husband: Please hear me out for just a minute. I truly do know how frustrated you feel right now because I have been there. And I know how tempting it can be to feel self righteous because you are the one who has been wronged and you deserve to feel and express whatever you are feeling. I do not disagree in the least.

But, I can tell you that holding on to the hurt and pain can actually be as detrimental to you as it is to your husband. If you don’t allow yourself to move forward because you are clinging to questions or concerns to which you might never get satisfactory answers, then you might be delaying your own progress and relief.

You deserve to be happy again. You don’t deserve to live the rest of your life always feeling doubt and turmoil because of your husband’s mistake. I would never deny your need for answers or demand that you take the high road when you are not ready to do so. However, there really is something to be said for trying to find the positive in the situation and trying to move forward as you are able. Because living within the aftermath of an affair is absolute misery sometimes. So it truly is in your best interest to leave that all behind as soon as you are able to do so.

I have to admit that there were times when I resented taking the high road after my husband’s affair. But in the long run, it forced me to move forward and that make me happier as the result. Plus once I began to move forward, our marriage began to drastically improve so it was beneficial for every one. If it helps, you can read about how we saved our marriage after his affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many women who contact me are in a situation where their husband is still involved with the other woman or mistress despite the wife’s best efforts to get him away from her. Sometimes, he is actually now living with the other woman. Other times, he is still at home, but the wife knows that he is still with the mistress emotionally and physically.

I often hear from wives who want to get him away from her as soon as possible. Many feel as if they could just figure out the right thing to say, they could perhaps start to swing the momentum in their favor. I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband claims to still love me, but he says he loves her too. He won’t leave her alone no matter how much I beg him to let her go once and for all. It’s clear to me that my husband is really with her instead of me. His feelings are for her. His thoughts are of her. How can I get his feelings and his loyalty to come back to me? How can I get him back from her? What exactly do I need to say to make this happen?”

I wish I could tell you the perfect, magical words to say to take your husband back from the other woman or mistress. But the truth is, this varies from marriage to marriage and from husband to husband. And it’s often a combination of many things that will get your husband back if he is meant to come back, not just what you say. However, I do think that there are some wrong things to say and some right things to say when you’re trying to get him back. I will discuss them in the following article.

The Wrong Things To Say When Trying To Get Your Husband To Come Back From The Other Woman

“It’s Me Or Her. Make A Choice.” I understand wanting to say this. It’s not fair for him to have both of you. But if you are going to give this ultimatum, then you must be prepared to truly walk away if he chooses her. And many wives are just not prepared to do this. So saying these words is a very dangerous game.

Not only that, but most people will resist being told what to do. If you draw that line in the sand, he may well make a decision that he would not have made if you had given him more time. Of course, you may be at the point where you feel as though you don’t want to wait any longer. And that is understandable. But it’s important to understand that this is a big risk if you still want him or your marriage.

“You Will Regret It If You Don’t Leave Her And Go Back To Me. You Will Lose Everything.”: In the same way that men don’t like ultimatums in this situation, they also do not like threats. I understand why this strategy is tempting. But it will often backfire on you, even if you threaten him with something that he holds very dear like his children. Because he will see it as a challenge to have both her and his kids. Threats are usually a bad idea because they put you in a weak and desperate position and you both know that even if he gives in, he’s only there because of the threat and not because he made a genuine or authentic decision.

“You Look Like An Idiot. Everyone Is Laughing At You. Come Home Before It’s Too Late.” Many women will try to show their husband how mistaken he is and how stupid he looks for risking everything for a woman who he doesn’t even know that well or who he isn’t married of committed to. And while you may well be right about this, your making him doubt or feel badly about himself isn’t going to earn you any points and it isn’t going to get you any closer to him willingly and happily coming back to you, which of course is what you really want.

What Could Be Preferable To Say To Your Husband When Trying To Get Him To Leave The Other Woman And Come Back To You:

“I Know That You Will Eventually Make The Right Decision. But Until Then, I Can’t Focus On Our Marriage When You Are With Someone Else.” I believe this is a good alternative to giving him an ultimatum. With this tactic, you aren’t nagging him. You aren’t leaning on him. You are telling him that you have every confidence that he will one day come to his senses but, until then, you have to take care of yourself. And you can’t do that if you are part of a silly love triangle. So let him know that when he makes the right decision, you will then be willing to talk about your marriage.

Many wives are scared of going this route, but to me, it combines the best of both worlds. You are urging him to come back to you because you are no longer giving him open access to do as he wants, but you aren’t leaning on him so much that he resists because of the pressure.

I never told my husband it was her or me, but I did make all types of other threats that not only didn’t work, but they were beneath me. Once I drew the line in the sand in a more positive way that allowed me to keep my dignity, things got much better and we eventually saved our marriage. It if helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Many of the people who contact me are reeling from the shock of finding out that their spouse has had an affair. Usually, the pain is quite fresh for them and they cannot envision that they won’t always feel as awful as they do right now. I know that it can be hard to believe that things can improve or that something positive can come out of an affair, but both of these things can be true. You can actually learn quite a lot when your spouse has an affair.

I doubt that many women or spouses would tell you that the affair actually ended up being a hugely positive thing or that they are glad the affair happened. However, I think that some will tell you that at least a few positive things happened as the result of it. Dealing with an affair can actually teach you a lot about yourself, your life, and your resilience. I sometimes have people ask me “what did you learn from your husband’s affair?” I will try to answer that question in the following article.

What I Learned About Other People After My Husband’s Affair: Most of what I learned about the infidelity, I learned about myself, my husband, and my marriage. However, I also got some valuable insights about human nature and about other people who I thought were very close to me. I learned that people will often not hesitate to give you their opinions and their advice even when they are not accurate and even when this advice may hurt you. I learned that people will often remember their own pain and will project their own issues onto your situation. I learned that some people will lie to you and deny it later. And it became obvious that some people only want to be your friend when things are easy or happy but will run away when the going gets rough.

On the flip side, I learned that I have some wonderful, supportive, and giving friends who truly do love me unconditionally and have my best interest at heart. I learned that people who I thought I didn’t know very well or who I assumed were mild mannered and introverted will go to bat for me with a passion I never knew existed. And I learned that most people will rise to the occasion when you need for them to. I also learned that a one time mistake doesn’t need to make the person you love a lifetime enemy.

What I Learned About Myself After My Husband’s Affair: I’ll be honest. When I first first learned that my husband had an affair, I really did not know if I would ever be the same person and this had a negative connotation for me because I though that this would weaken me and inhibit my ability to trust in love. Well, I was right on some counts. The affair did change me. I am no longer the same person. But the connotation of this was sometimes positive rather than negative.

I learned that I am stronger, smarter, more capable, and more resilient than I ever gave myself credit for. The affair forced me to stand on my own two feet and reinvent myself and this was actually a blessing for me because I am more confident and I’m no longer afraid to admit that I am capable.

Before the affair, I pretty much depended on other people for my happiness, security, and well being. That is no longer the case. I am fully aware that I am responsible for these things. And as a result, someone else’s mistake is not going to derail my life.

What I Learned About My Capacity For Forgiveness And Love: I have no problem admitting that before my husband’s affair, I was the kind of person who held a grudge and who often had preconceived notions about people. I generally did not give people the opportunity to hurt me twice. And when I first found out about my husband’s affair, I was pretty sure that this was the end of our marriage and the end of his place in my life. I just thought that I would never be able to trust or forgive him again.

I was wrong on both counts. Although I had my doubts, I learned that I had in me to both forgive and rebuild trust. Once I developed more confidence in myself, I decided that I could handle whatever came my way so there was really no need for me to continue to live in fear or for me to continue to live clinging to pain and anger. I determined that I would rather let it go and release it so that I can live without carrying all that weight and baggage around.

I know that you might be at the point where you doubt that you will ever feel differently (or better) than you do right now. But, I can tell you that most people do notice a vast improvement with time. The human spirit is a very resilient and beautiful thing. Eventually, self preservation kicks in and you get tired of feeling badly about yourself or your life for too terribly long. If you are in that situation right now, know that it will get likely get better.

I did end up saving my marriage after my husband’s affair. However, I think that even if our marriage didn’t make it, I would have still reaped some of the improvements to myself and my own resiliency. Of course, I wish it hadn’t taken an affair to force these changes, but I’m glad they happened just the same. If it helps, you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Most of the time, I hear from people who have been cheated on. They usually really want to heal and begin to get their life back to normal, but they are often running into obstacles or struggling with difficult feelings and issues.

Sometimes though, I hear from people who have cheated on their spouse. Since my articles and blog is about saving your marriage after an affair, most of the cheating spouses that I hear from are deeply sorry for the cheating and are looking for a way to begin to help their spouse heal.

I recently heard from a husband who said in part: “I deeply regret cheating on my spouse. I have hurt her deeply and she doesn’t trust me any longer. It hurts me so much to see this previously happy and loving woman become a shell of herself. My wife was always upbeat and light hearted, but because of what I have done, she is angry, bitter, and her outgoing personality is gone. She is hurting deeply and I don’t know how to help her. Every time I try, she rejects me or acts resentful so I end up not knowing if I have done more harm than good. But when I leave her alone instead and give her time, she takes this to mean I don’t love her. Nothing could be further from the truth. I would give anything to help her, but I don’t know how. What are some things I can do to help my wife after I made the grave mistake of cheating on her?”

It’s typically pretty easy for me to tell who is being sincere and who is not when I get these types of letters. Sometimes people really are asking me how to make things OK with their spouse to avoid a costly divorce and when they will only go and cheat again down the road. But many people are incredibly sincere and believe it when they swear that they will never cheat again and will do everything in their power to help their spouse even if their marriage does not recover. Their concern is their spouse first and foremost, their marriage second, and themselves third.

So in the following article, I’ll offer some tips and suggestions for those sincere folks regarding things that you can do to help your spouse after cheating on them.

Understand That They May Not Want Your Help At First: Many people go into this with very sincere and honorable intentions. They are fully aware that it was their actions and their cheating that has hurt their spouse so it is their responsibility to help them heal. And they are sincere in wanting to do everything possible to help with their spouse’s recovery, but this is often very difficult because the faithful spouse (who is understandably hurting) can outright reject their “help.”

I often have the faithful spouse tell me that they don’t really want anything from the cheating spouse at the time. I understand this first hand as I too was the spouse who cheated on. But I also understand that often, the cheating spouse is very sincere in wanting to help. However, sometimes the only thing that you can do is to tell your spouse that you will do as they ask because you are trying to help them and you will be there when they change their mind.

In saying this though, make sure that you make it clear that you truly aren’t going anywhere while you are respecting their wishes. Because some spouses will think you don’t care enough or were only waiting for your excuse to exit. That’s why it’s important to continue to respectfully “check in” with your spouse because their feelings or wishes may have changed.

Understand That Your Spouse Is The Innocent Party And Should Be Treated As Such: Resist any urge that you might have to defend yourself by saying or insinuating that there was something wrong with your marriage or your spouse that inspired you to cheat. Even if some of your defenses may have some merit, your spouse is reeling and hurting right now. The last thing that they want to hear is how you were lonely or how they didn’t give you enough attention or physical intimacy.

In fact, often it’s best to steer clear from these topics all together, at least in the beginning. Please understand that when someone cheats on you, this can make you feel ugly, undesirable, misunderstood, and taken for granted. So, you don’t want to give your spouse any reason to continue to dwell on these things. You want to make sure everything that you say or do implies just the opposite. Because when you’re shifting the blame or even hinting that some of the blame lies with your spouse, you’re usually only rubbing salt into the wounds.

If Your Brand Of Help Isn’t Working, Consider Outsourcing It: No matter how sincere and willing you are, sometimes the help that is needed is outside of your expertise. Unless you are a counselor or mental health professional, you often won’t have the skills or insights necessary to help with this type of pain. Plus, as you are very intimately involved and it was your mistakes that brought this on, you’re often too close to the situation to know what it really needs to heal.

With this said, sometimes your spouse will be offended or angry when you suggest outside help. Don’t push if this is the response that you get. It’s not at all unusual for people to be afraid of or intimated by counseling. And, it can be challenging to find the right counselor that is effective for both of you. Still, there are online or print resources available. You don’t have to give up if you don’t want to go with the counseling route. You could even begin by just educating yourself and making changes within you so that when your spouse is ready to move forward, you are ready too. Anything that you can do to learn more about effectively supporting the healing process will help.

And as your spouse’s anger and shock begins to fade, they will often notice your efforts to help them, even if they weren’t receptive to receiving it at the time.

When my husband cheated, he tried very hard to help me heal. But, at the time, I didn’t want his help. It wasn’t until I educated and worked on myself that I was ready to begin to receive help from him. If it helps you, you can read about our healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I recently heard from a wife who was devastated to learn that her husband had chased after the woman, with whom he eventually had an affair. The wife had always assumed that the other woman had pursued her husband and so her anger lied mostly with the woman, not her husband. But turns out, it was the other way around.

She said in part: “the woman who my husband had an affair with is the neighborhood flirt. She’s a single mom and a gold digger and she has always flirted with all of the husbands. When I found out that it was her that he’d been cheating with, I wasn’t all that surprised. I mean, I was surprised that he was cheating but I wasn’t surprised it was this woman because she seems to be after every man in town. She’s the type of woman who washes her car in a bikini to try to get attention. And I just assumed that she chased after my husband until he finally gave in because he’s successful and would be quite the catch for her. But, once I finally was able to get my husband to open up about the affair and talk about how and why it happened, he reluctantly admitted to me that he was the one who pursued her. He admitted that he started going over to her house uninvited and one thing lead to another. This just sickens me and it sort of changes everything. It makes me look at my husband like a creepy pursuer rather than the guy who was worn down. What now?”

This is a difficult situation, to be sure. Dealing with your husband’s affair is hard enough, but it is often easier if you can be really angry at the other woman and can at least place a fair share of the blame (if not most of it) onto her. It’s easier for you to view him as the guy who was followed around relentlessly by this determined woman and, although it takes two to tango, at least none of it was his idea. Except what happens if it was? Does everything change when you find out that in fact it was your husband who was the pursuer?

Other Questions Are Just As Important As Determining Initiation: Only you can answer that question, but let me give you a few things to consider. No matter who started or initiated the affair, it’s always going to take two. Even when the other woman initiates it, your husband is still a participant in the affair. So honestly, it’s my view that it’s more important to understand what lead up to the affair and where it leaves you right now rather than worrying about who started it. Yes, a husband pursuing another woman shows intent and that is substantial. She was going to need to ask herself if going over there with an intention for something to happen or to cheat made any difference as to whether she wanted to save her marriage or not. For some women, intention can make all of the difference. While other women feel that the very things that caused him to cheat in the first place were probably also the things that contributed to him pursuing her.

Issues That Must Be Overcome: With that said, no matter who started the affair, the process of saving your marriage after it are the same. You need to look at what contributed to it happening, how you want to move forward, and how you can begin to heal. I believe and know from my own experience that it is possible to fully heal your marriage after an affair. But I also know that its often those little details that cause the most problems during the healing process. It’s those mental pictures you can’t get out of your mind or the knowledge that your husband knew full well what he was doing once he got in the car headed for her house that can floor you.

However, I can also tell you that once you do the work necessary to fully heal, those mental images fade with time. And as your husband proves that he is remorseful enough to make himself trustworthy and committed once again, your anger at him can start to abate just a little bit. I would never tell you that one day you will just forget that he started the affair or that one day it won’t matter to you. But what I can say is that once your marriage has been healed or you’ve built a new and better marriage, you almost see your marriage as a fresh start so that you don’t have to constantly look back at those small details that really don’t matter anymore.

I have to admit that I struggled with many of the details concerning my husband’s affair. But, as our marriage healed, those same details didn’t bother me as much anymore. I hope that turns out to be the case with you. If it helps you can read the very personal story of how I healed after the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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