Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s natural and understandable for someone whose spouse who cheated or had an affair to want to know all of the details of that same affair. It’s perfectly natural to want to know what began the affair, how long it lasted, who knew about it, what type of feelings were involved, whether the affair is over, and what types of activities betrayals and acts occurred while the affair was going on. But,while these questions are understandable, giving completely truthful and complete answers can be a challenge. Because you often know that the details that you disclose details that are going to hurt or anger your spouse.

I recently heard from a wife who said in part: “I cheated on my husband with our son’s sports coach. Of course, my husband has a lot of questions. He says he wants to know every detail about the affair and says that if I’m not willing to give him this information, he’s not sure if he even wants to try to save our marriage. He says that I have to prove that I am willing to be honest with him and disclose everything. I do want to save my marriage. I do love my husband. But I am very scared to tell him all of the details of my affair. In truth, I was the one who came on to the other guy. I was the one who started it. I don’t want to tell my husband how I met the other guy at hotels and did things with him that I rarely do with my husband. My husband is going to be so mad and hurt by this. Plus, I have a feeling that he will be so angry he may come after the other guy. I just want to put this behind us, but my husband has made it clear that, in order to put this behind us, I have to tell him everything. Is there any way around this? Because if I do tell him everything I feel like this information is going to put my marriage in further jeopardy and just make things worse.”

I understand the viewpoints of both people in this scenario. I can most certainly identify with the husband because I too was the spouse who was cheated on. I understand feeling as if you want your cheating spouse to start talking and telling the complete truth immediately because you are tired of the betrayal and the lies.

At the same time, I understand the wife’s or the cheating spouse’s point of view also. I’ve seen these types of explosive details ruin or end marriages more than the affair ever could. Once you give your spouse details that are going to put troubling and hurtful images in their head, they can have a very difficult time ever getting these images out. And this can be devastating to your marriage. Because of this, I would suggest a sort of compromise which I will discuss now.

Telling Your Spouse As Much As Possible While Allowing Them To Keep Their Own Dignity And Self Respect: On the one hand, you do want to be as honest with your spouse as you possibly can. You don’t want to do anything to make your spouse feel as though you are continuing to lie to or to deceive them. It is vitally important that they feel as if they can trust you to begin telling them the truth right now, at this very second.

At the same time, if there are details that you know are going to make your spouse feel severe pain, make them feel badly about themselves, or shatter their self confidence, then perhaps you should keep those details to yourself.

For example, it’s probably unavoidable to tell your spouse that you had intimate physical activity with the other man, but you don’t necessarily have to spell out every sexual act or outline how much you enjoyed it. Or you may want to omit that at one time, you felt strong emotional feelings for the other person. It goes without saying that you should omit telling your spouse that you considered leaving them for the other person, if this is true.

These details are going to make your spouse feel unsure about themselves and about your commitment to or love for them. And these details aren’t really necessary in the recovery of your marriage. With that said, I absolutely needed to feel as if my husband were being completely truthful to me when I was asking him to tell me all of the details of the affair. I needed to feel as if he were making a very sincere effort to give me the information that I needed even if that meant that I was going to be even more angry at him and less likely to be receptive or kind to him any time soon.

But what happens if you try your best to be both truthful and tactful and your spouse continues to push you and isn’t satisfied with the details that you are giving him? Try your best to delay your response and insist that you are being as truthful as you possibly can. Always give your spouse as many details as you can while avoiding those things that are going to be truly devastating or will do no good to disclose.

If your spouse sees that you are giving them as many details as you can in order to comply with their need for the truth, hopefully they will be satisfied with this and won’t continue to push for those things that you know may well be a deal breaker.

My husband tried to be honest with me about his affair, but quite honestly, nothing he said was going to make me happy. Still, his attempts to tell me what I needed to know made me feel that at least he was trying. Eventually, we did move past most of our issues and we saved our marriage. If it helps, you can read the story of how we moved on at my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are looking for a plan or strategy to bring their husband’s affair to a swift end. Many want to save their marriage without having the threat of the other woman and the affair hanging over them. Sometimes, these wives are in a situation where the husband is telling them that the affair is over, but the wife knows that it really isn’t. Other times, the husband pretty much refuses to end the affair or tells the wife that he isn’t ready to make a decision about where he wants to go with either relationship.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I need to figure out a way to end my husband’s affair. I’ve thought of many devious strategies, including sending him fake texts or emails from the other woman breaking off the relationship or faking photos of the other woman with another man to make my husband think that the other woman is cheating on him. I’ve also thought about giving my husband an ultimatum that he has to choose between her or me. The problem though is that I’m afraid that he will ultimately chose her. Once he told me that he would end it with her to save our marriage, but it later became pretty obvious that he was still seeing her behind my back. So I feel like I have to do something dramatic to end this affair on my own. What can I do to give myself the best chance of ending it once and for all?”

This type of correspondence is so common. Many wives feel as if they are forced to take matters into their own hands. So often, a husband will swear that he’s going to end the affair but of course he doesn’t. Or he’ll try the honesty strategy and he will tell the wife that although he does love her and he does want to save the marriage, he has feelings for the other woman too and so he isn’t sure that he’s ready to walk away from the affair just yet. This can leave the wife feeling as if she really has no choice. She can begin to think that if the affair is ever going to end, she has to be the one to end it.

The Problem With Trying To End Your Husband’s Affair: The problem with this strategy is that very often, many of the methods that wives use to end the affair so risky that they end up backfiring. If your husband catches you trying to fake pictures, emails, or photos, your marriage (which is likely already in trouble) will likely take another huge hit. The already shaky trust issues will become worse. And you may strengthen rather than weaken their relationship.

There are times when, the more you try to keep your husband from the other woman, the more he ends up wanting her. She becomes that forbidden thing which he comes to believe that he absolutely must have. I’ve seen wives some wives almost successfully pull off the fake text, email or picture strategy, but rather than the husband becoming desperately angry with the other woman, he becomes desperately hurt. He ends up wanting her (and sometimes the affair) that much more.

Why It’s Best If Your Husband Is The One Who Ends The Affair: I know that it’s so tempting to take matters into your own hands, but here’s the truth. You will have a much better chance of successfully saving your marriage or truly getting your husband back if he is the one who ends the affair on his own. Because when he is the one who ends the relationship, he has closure. He has made his own decision. And he is making his commitment clear so that he will not feel manipulated or pressured by anyone else.

Often when I tell wives this, they understand that it would be best if their husband ended it, but they don’t think that this will ever be possible. They’ll say things like “well if I wait for him to end the affair on his own, it’s never going to happen. Unless I make him end it, he’s never going to take the initiative to do it. And since the other woman won’t break it off with him, then I need to figure out a way to make him break it off with her.”

I understand this thinking, but I can also tell you that the husband eventually deciding to break it off sometimes comes sooner and easier than you think. Sometimes, you have to let the relationship play out so that your husband can see it for what it truly is.

How Your Actions Can Make Your Husband End The Affair On His Own: Many wives feel as though they need to come up with some sort of sinister plan to “trick” or “make” the husband end to the affair. To be very honest with you, it’s my belief and experience that you will often have the best chance at him ending the affair much sooner if you do just the opposite.

Playing games will usually just make him see the affair and the other woman as an escape. This is the last thing that you want. You don’t want for him to see her as his safe haven while he sees you as a nag. So, really it is best for you to flip this and turn it around to your advantage. As risky as it can feel, sometimes the best thing that you can do is to tell him that it doesn’t make any sense to focus on your marriage when he is an affair or relationship with anyone else. Stress that perhaps you will work with him once he decides that the only woman he wants to be with is you. Until that time, you are going to live your life rather than waiting around for him to make up his mind. No ultimatums. No threats. No game playing. Just conducting yourself with the dignity and respect indicative of the person you are.

I know it hurts when you know that your husband is having an affair. You want it to end right this very second. Unfortunately though, in order for your husband to be finished with the affair once and for all, he has to be the one to end it. And when he ends it because he was forced or pressured into it, he can often resent you while he sees the other woman as “the one who got away.”

So take the high road and know that the chances are good that the affair will fizzle out or he will end it on his own. Ultimately, you want to give yourself the best chance of saving your marriage, so don’t stoop to strategies that are beneath you. Once I placed my focus on elevating myself rather than bringing her down, things changed for me. If it helps, you can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are desperately trying to understand exactly which factors lead up to their husband cheating or having an affair. Many feel as if they need to fully understand the reasons behind the affair in order to fully heal. And some husbands will do their best to provide any answers that they may have. But other husbands are either unwilling or unable to give you these answers.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “I keep approaching my husband about explaining to me what lead up to the affair and what might have contributed to it. I feel like I really need to understand his reasoning and his feelings. I actually thought that our marriage was a good one and that we were happy. My husband says that he doesn’t disagree with this. He says that he was happy for the most part and that he doesn’t fully understand why he cheated on me. When I continue to question him, eventually he gets mad and blows up and tells that he refuses to continue to discuss this. He’s basically saying that he can’t or won’t explain the affair to me and that I really need to just drop it. He says he refuses to spend the rest of his life living under a microscope and having every bit of his behavior examined and analyzed like he’s a horrible person. I honestly don’t feel that I can or should drop it. What is wrong with wanting to understand why he had an affair? If we don’t both understand, then we may well repeat it or we may not be able to save our marriage. At this point, neither of us are willing to bend. I need answers and he either can’t or won’t give them to me.”

As a wife who has been cheated on, I absolutely understand this wife’s need for an explanation and for answers. But I also have to tell you that I often hear from men on my blog who are frustrated because either they are unable to give the wife the answers that she wants or needs, or, when they attempt to provide the answers, the wife is not satisfied with what he is telling her. I often hear from husbands who say things like: “to be honest, I don’t completely understand why I cheated on my wife. I didn’t intend for it to happen. It just sort of happened. I have explained my thought process and the events that lead up to the affair as best as I can, but this isn’t good enough. And when I struggle to explain it to her, she accuses me of holding things back or of being dishonest. I feel as though I can’t win. If I disclose some of the more embarrassing thoughts I had, she will be furious, but when I try to spare her feelings, she gets mad about that too. I’m just not sure what to say to make her happy.”

This is the type of situation where both people really can honestly be trying their very best, but things go wrong and people misunderstand anyway. Often, the husband really is trying to find a way to both tell the truth and spare his wife’s feelings at the same time. And the wife wants brutal honesty. Plus, there are times when the husband is being his honest as he knows how to be and this isn’t making his wife all that happy either so it can begin to look as if there is really no scenario where every one is going to be satisfied.

Finding A Place Where Both Husband And Wife Can Be Happy With The Explanation Of The Affair: To be honest, often a very skilled counselor can help the couple navigate this situation because he or she knows what to ask and how to ask it. But sometimes, counseling just isn’t happening for a multiple of reasons. If this is the case, you will often have more success if you try to approach this in a gradual way. You will often get more of what of the answers you want if ask easily answered questions and then back off until the next time. Once you see your husband begin to clam up, save the questioning for another day.

Also, it’s very important to note that as you improve your relationship, you will often see your spouse be more willing to work with you and give you what you need. Finally, you need to work very hard to create a situation and environment where both spouses feel safe in being honest. Much of the time, the husband is frankly scared to death to tell the wife the truth about what lead up to the affair because he knows it’s either going to hurt or anger her. And sometimes, as the wife’s rapid fire questions take on more intensity and venom, the more frustrated and angry that she becomes with her husband.

So it’s important to try to discuss the questions and answers at a time where you’re not fighting and you can be calm. Try to keep your responses and your emotions in check so that your spouse feels safe approaching you or responding with complete and total honesty. And don’t assume that if your spouse wants to delay the conversation or has had enough for one sitting that you aren’t ever going to get an answer. Sometimes, you really do have to have patience, you really do have to settle for gradual answers, and you really do have to first make your spouse believe that it’s both safe and advisable to tell you the truth.

Along that same line of thinking, make sure that before you ask the question, you are sure that you really want the truthful answer. Often, one spouse will insist that they want brutal honesty only to become angry and more nasty to their spouse once they get it.

As I alluded to, getting my husband to explain why the affair happened was a real challenge for me also. It wasn’t until I educated myself about how to question him and accept and build upon his answers that we began to make progress. If it helps, you can read the whole story about my struggles and recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s probably fair to say that it’s a rare person who can go through the process of recovery after an affair unscathed. No matter how much you love your spouse and want to trust them completely, actually doing so can be very difficult, (even when they are doing everything that you ask and are proving themselves to be trustworthy so far.) Even worse, the trust issues can crop up concerning other people. For example, if other people knew about the affair but kept it secret, it can feel as if you might never be sure who you can trust ever again.

I recently heard from a wife who described this struggle this way: “Ever since I found out about my husband’s affair, I’ve pretty much suspected everyone of wrong doing. My husband kept the affair a secret for six months. I’ve known the woman he cheated on me with for years. She knows me intimately and yet she went behind my back and cheated with my husband. Not only this, but mutual friends knew about this and kept it a secret. Even the waitress at our favorite restaurant knew what was going on and yet no one said anything whatsoever to me. I feel so betrayed on so many levels. And I feel like most people will smile while lying right to your face. I find myself distrusting people who have given me no reason whatsoever to doubt them. I am constantly worrying that good and kind people are lying to me. I know that this is so silly, but I can’t seem to help it. What can I do about these trust issues since my husband’s affair. Do they ever go away?”

In my own experience after my husband’s cheating, the trust issues do get better. Do they ever go completely away? That probably depends on the person and how severe the betrayal was. I don’t think I will ever just blindly trust in someone without having my guard up first. But I have also learned that if you are constantly questioning and being suspicious of everyone, you could well be damaging some really precious relationships and hurting people who have done absolutely nothing to deserve it.

So, I do make a very conscious effort to try to give people the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason not to. Frankly, it’s miserable to go through life thinking that everyone has an ulterior motive or is out to hurt or deceive you. Your relationships and connections are so much richer if you can back up a little and let your guard down, at least somewhat. Below, I’ll offer some tips on overcoming trust issues after your husband’s affair.

Tell Your Husband What You Need In Order To Restore Your Trust And Make Him Aware When He Falls Short: It can feel like an imposition to have to spell out for your husband that you want him to call and check in, come right home from work, and give you a lot of extra attention and patience. But sometimes, in order to get what you need, you really will need to spell it out. Sometimes, men either are not intuitive, do not want to push too hard, or are afraid of hovering or stepping on our toes. So they hang back and wait for us to lead the way. This can make us feel a little resentful that they are just sitting there doing nothing. Or worse, we assume that they don’t really care when this isn’t true at all.

So as much as you may resent it at first, it truly is in your best interest to just tell him what you want and need from him. If you’d like for him to call or text five times per day, it’s better to tell him this rather than pouting or feeling angry when he doesn’t. If it will make you feel better to check his Facebook or email accounts, then go right ahead. If you want him to include you anytime he goes out, let him know.

Anything that will help you begin to trust and believe in his sincerity is worth the effort. Both of you can benefit from understanding that this process can take a while. Often, both people are really enthusiastic at first but eventually the unfaithful spouse can begin to wonder if they’re going to be under scrutiny forever while the faithful spouse may get very tired of always asking and nagging. As frustrating as it is, keep right on going. You won’t need to do this forever, but do it until you feel as though you are more comfortable with trust. This can take a while, but your peace of mind is worth it.

Vow To Not Project Your Trust Issues Onto Those Who Don’t Deserve It: It’s normal and understandable to have your doubts about your husband or anyone else who has lied to you during the affair. But try very hard to not project your suspicions or inability to trust on those who have never once lied to or deceived you. Reaching out and trusting in others can be a gift to you right now. And although it may feel as if no one is really trustworthy or honest, that really isn’t true. Just because your husband made a mistake doesn’t mean that the whole world is dishonest. The people who have always been there for you and who have always told you the truth are the people you need most right now. So please don’t push them away because of someone else’s misstep.

As you might be able to gather from this article, I had serious trust issues after my husband’s affair. But it eventually became obvious that this was hurting relationships other than the one with my husband. I made a conscious effort to work on it and I have to say that I’ve made vast improvements. My marriage is back on solid ground and I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. If it helps, you’re welcome to read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who deeply regret cheating on their husbands. Often, the guilt is weighing heavily on them. Sometimes, they wonder if they wouldn’t feel better if they would just come clean and tell him. But somewhere deep inside, they suspect that once they tell him and let the cat out of the bag, their marriage might never be the same.

I heard from a wife who said: “I cheated on my husband with an old boyfriend from high school. It was incredibly stupid and immature. I don’t know what is wrong with me and why I’m so starved for attention. Basically, he paid attention to me and complimented me and that was all it took. Afterward, I was so ashamed and mortified by what I’ve done and I know for a fact that I will never cheat on my husband again. This guy lives in another town so it’s not like I’m going to run into him again. But, a couple of my friends know and there are texts and emails which I’ve deleted but I always have this sinking feeling that somehow my husband is going to find out from someone else or maybe the guy will try to contact me again and my husband will pick up. The other consideration is that my guilt is affecting my marriage. I always find myself overcompensating or acting strange. My husband has asked me why I’m so jumpy and of course that just makes my paranoia worse. I hate myself at this point and I really do want to tell him. But every time I think about telling him, I also think about how this is absolutely going to devastate him. He completely trusts me and he has done nothing to deserve this. So what is the best call? Should I tell him I cheated because it’s the right thing to do even if it will risk my marriage? Or do I stay quiet and live with the guilt?”

This isn’t a question that I can answer for anyone else. In my own case, my husband cheated on me. So I have not been in the position of deciding whether to tell or not. But as someone who has been cheated on, I can tell you that I would have more respect for someone if they did what was right and told me the truth. Being honest would imply that he cared enough about me and the relationship to tell me the truth, even though my reaction might be very severe.

However, I do admit that this would be a risk. Once the truth is out, then it is up to your spouse to decide if your cheating is a deal breaker or not. However, I tend to think that even if you keep quiet, your relationship is still going to be negatively affected. I have actually heard from a select few who say that keeping the affair to themselves helped their marriage. This is because they knew how horrible it felt to know that they could lose their husband. Therefore, they appreciated him more and vowed to be a better wife. I understand the theory of this, but I think that this group must be in the minority. It would be difficult to quiet your guilt and paranoia, although I concede that if you’re not going to tell, then at least making sure that something positive comes out of the cheating is a good idea.

With that said, many people admit to me that they aren’t sure how much longer they can live a lie. They often feel compelled to tell their husband but, at the same time, they are terrified to do so. Below, I’ll offer some things to think about when you’re considering telling your husband you cheated.

Some Things That Might Help When You Tell Your Husband You Cheated: Maybe I can give you some insights that might make this go a little easier. As someone who has been cheated on, I can tell you the things that your spouse is most going to want to know. They will often immediately wonder things like: Is the affair over? Was it a one time thing? Does she love him? Does she no longer love me or find me attractive? Why did she do this? Will she cheat again? Can I trust her again? Is our marriage over?

I’m not telling you these things to discourage you or to make things feel hopeless. I am telling you this to help you address some of these things while you are confessing. To the extent you can, you want to tell him the truth but you also want to reassure him that this was a one time mistake that you will never ever repeat. Also, you should show him that you understand what you did was wrong (and where you were vulnerable) so that he will at least have some hope that this self awareness means that you won’t cheat again once you find yourself in a similar situation.

Try as best as you can to not make it all about you. Do not make excuses for yourself. Never make it seem as if this were your husband’s fault. Resist the urge to defend yourself by saying that the other guy gave you the attention or appreciation that you needed because the implication of that is that your husband did not. You don’t want to imply that he did anything wrong. The main idea should be that you made a mistake for which you are desperately sorry. And, if he will give you the chance, you will do everything in your power to regain his trust. You should make it clear that you are telling him not to hurt him but because you want to respect him and your marriage enough to be honest and tell the truth.

Know that his reaction might change over time. Have patience as he struggles to process this. I can’t predict how he will react or even if telling him is the right thing. I can only tell you that as someone who was cheated on, I would be much more willing to walk away from my marriage if I found about the cheating from someone else or found out much later when my husband had the power to tell me himself all along.

I know that you may be struggling right now, but even if you tell the truth, infidelity does not have to be the end of your marriage. Our marriage is actually better than ever after my husband’s affair. Rebuilding wasn’t always easy, but now that we have, I’m glad we made the effort. If it helps, you can read the whole story about our recovery from the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I hear this phrase quite often. It’s sometimes not until you risk loosing your spouse for good that you begin to really appreciate them as much as you should, especially if that risk is due to a mistake as huge as your cheating on them. I hear from a lot of spouses who want for me to access the chances of getting their spouse back or to tell them what they need to do to increase these chances.

I recently heard from a wife on my blog who said: “I cheated on husband with a guy from work. It was only a one night stand and I never in my wildest dreams thought my husband would find out but he did. It has all but destroyed our marriage. My husband will barely talk to me and he certainly won’t touch me, show me any affection, or have sex with me. He says he has a hard time even looking at me without thinking about the other guy. He says the thought of me being at work with this other guy makes him literally ill. I told my husband that I would quit my job if that’s what it would take to get him back. But he told me that he can’t assure me that he would take me back even if I quit my job. I keep telling him I would do anything if he would take me back. But he says he can’t tell me what to do because he doesn’t know if he’d ever be willing to reconcile with me. So where does that leave me? What can I do?”

I know that often what people want in this situation is a sort of road map with a list of things that they need to do to have a chance to get their spouse back. The hope is that if they do all of the things on the list, then their spouse will eventually decide to give the marriage another try. Unfortunately, that list is going to be different for everyone. And sometimes, people think or hope that they can one day forgive or they think that they know what they want, but they find that their feelings evolve and change over time.

So while I can’t give you a definitive list of things you need to do to get your spouse back after an affair, I can give you a general idea of what people are generally looking for when they are evaluating whether or not they want to take their spouse back, which I will do below.

Your Spouse Wants To Know That You Know Why You Cheated And That You Can Fix The Problem For Good: One of the worst responses that you can give your spouse when they demand to know why you cheated is “I don’t know.” It’s understandable to not want to disclose embarrassing facts like you were insecure or that the other person made you feel alive or gave you a sense of excitement, but if you insist that you don’t know why you cheated, do you know what message your spouse is hearing?

They are basically hearing you say something like “gee, I’m not sure of the reasons that I cheated or had an affair. I don’t know what lead up to this. So therefore, the next time I cheat on you, I’m going to be every bit as surprised and taken aback as I am right now. That means neither of us will have a warning when I cheat again so there is nothing that either of us can do to prevent the next time from happening.” Do you see why your spouse doesn’t want to hear this?

If I’m being totally honest with you, I can tell you that perhaps the biggest fear that a spouse struggling with an affair has is the fear that his or her spouse is going to do it again. It’s very scary to take someone back or try to save the marriage when you know in your heart that one day, they might turn right around and cheat on you again or have another affair.

That’s why it’s very much in your best interest to be as honest as you can without saying anything that is going to rob your spouse of self esteem or dignity. You might tell your spouse that your low self esteem or poor impulse control meant that you allowed yourself to get in a situation that you did not stop in time. Having said this, you will want to follow it up with the changes you are going to make to ensure that it never ever happens again.

Your spouse has to believe that you understand why the affair happened and are remorseful for the same. Because these two things help alleviate some of their fear that you are going to cheat again.

Don’t Expect Your Spouse To Make Any Of The Concessions. The Bulk Of Saving Your Marriage Lies With You: I so often hear from spouses who say things like “if my husband would just trust me again, then I know I could make it work.” Or “if my spouse would just love me again, then I know I could be a good husband.” I usually have to point out that you are asking your spouse to make the concession when in fact you are the one who has made the mistake.

It’s your responsibility to give your spouse the reasons to love and trust you again. You can’t expect them to just blindly give you what you’re asking for unless you make them feel safe and justified in doing so. You are the one who needs to come up with a plan, or procure the counseling, or make the changes that is going to make saving your marriage possible. You are the one who had the affair and so fixing it is your responsibility.

That’s not to say that in rebuilding your marriage, there may well be issues that you will both need and want to address, but it is not fair or realistic to expect your spouse to do all of the heavy lifting. You have to give them a reason to want to change what they are doing and feeling right now. The burden of proof is on you.

Don’t Wait For Your Spouse To Give You Step By Step Instructions. Do What You Know You Need To Do Without Being Asked: I so often hear people say “if my wife would forgive me, I’d let go of the other woman.” Or “if I knew that it would save my marriage, I’d stop going out to bars” as if they are looking for a written guarantee that doing the right thing is going to make their spouse take them back.

The thing is, if your heart is telling you that you need to do something or that taking action is the right thing, do it anyway even if you aren’t sure if it’s going to make a difference. This will show your spouse that you are willing to do whatever it takes even without any guarantee. For example, the wife above said she’d stay away from the coworker if her husband told her he would take her back. She needed to stay away from the coworker either way because this would show her husband that he and the marriage was the most important thing to her regardless of whether he gave her assurances or not.

I can’t pinpoint the one thing that made me take my husband back after his affair. Rather it was a combination of many things over time. Over the course of several months, he showed himself to be trustworthy, patient, and sincere and this made all of the difference. It it helps, you can read that very emotional story in its entirety on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are trying to decide if they want to attempt to stay married after their husband cheats or has an affair. As many women today make their own money and don’t really need a man to support them, it’s easy to wonder if there is any decent reason to stay with a man who has cheated on you or made a mockery of your marriage vows by having an affair.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband cheated on me last year by having an affair with my assistant. I actually make more money than him. Our children are in college and grown. I’m not dependent on him financially or for my happiness. I was talking about this situation with my friend the other day and she said ‘why in the world would you stay married? Because you don’t need him for money or for the kids anymore, so why would you want to stay with a man who cheated on you?’ I wasn’t sure how to respond to this or to answer these questions because I realized that she was right. What incentive do I even have to stay married to this man? Am I stupid to even consider staying with him?”

I don’t think that it’s at all stupid to hesitate to walk away from your marriage. Now, I do admit that many people stay in marriages after infidelity because of money, security, or because of the children. But, these are not the only valid reasons to stay married after an affair. There are others which I will discuss below.

Healthy Reasons To Stay Married After An Affair (Even When You Don’t See An Immediate Reason To Stay:) Aside from money or children, I believe there are some reasonable and healthy reasons that people chose to stay together after one of them cheats or has an affair. The first and most common is usually that the love is still there. Yes, someone has made a grave mistake by cheating, but this doesn’t automatically mean that the feelings disappear in a sudden vapor.

Another reason that people choose to stay married is because they respect (and want to make good on) their marriage vows. They vowed to stay married through good times and in bad and, although this is one of those bad times, they reason that this doesn’t mean that they should just abandon their spouse because the road got rocky.

Finally, some people vow to not make an immediate decision, which means that they stay in the beginning and then they wait and see what happens. They aren’t sure if they want to (or even can) make their marriage work after the affair, but they want to make the commitment to see it through to determine if there is a chance that the marriage can be saved. If not, at least they will know that they tried their best and didn’t make a snap decision that they might later regret.

What To Anticipate When You Decide To Try To Stay Married After An Affair: As someone who went this route myself, I can tell you that not everyone may support your decision. Like the wife above, you might find friends openly questioning your decision or thought process. And this can be quite painful and can make you feel a little naive or stupid.

But what you have to remember is that, although these folks likely do mean well and think that they have your best interest at heart, this is not their marriage or their life. It is yours and no one else’s. You have to make the decision or take the course of action which feels right for you at the time.

There may be days or even weeks where you will question your own decision. This is normal. The process of staying married or rebuilding your marriage after an affair is not an easy one by a long shot. But if done correctly, you are sometimes rewarded with a marriage that is much better than what you started with. And in the process, you will often learn an awful lot about yourself, your spouse and your marriage.

That’s not to say that there will not be days when you won’t be absolutely furious at your spouse, fed up with your life, and asking yourself what you are doing here when you’re the one who did nothing wrong. But it can important to always put yourself and your own happiness and needs first. It can help to ask yourself which path is going to make you the most likely to be happy. The options are often starting over again with your spouse or deciding to be alone for now with the knowledge that you might eventually rebuilding with someone new.

This is not a decision that anyone can make but you, but I wrote this article to show you that there are some very legitimate reasons to stay married after your husband cheats or has an affair. And you really don’t need to apologize to anybody for these. This is your life so you get to make these decisions. What is right for someone else may not be right for you and vice verse.

Here’s something else that people may not tell you or realize. You can certainly change your mind at any point during the process. You may well initially feel that you want to save your marriage but might determine later that it just isn’t possible. Or you may not want anything to do with your husband and your marriage only to later discover that you miss him and want to give your marriage one more try. Nothing is set in stone and there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind as your feelings change.

After my husband’s affair, I did not see many legitimate reasons to stay married, especially at first. But with time, I came to realize that I really did not want to just walk away. At first, I just stayed because of my children. But eventually I stayed because of myself and our marriage is very solid today. If it helps, you can read the entire story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who either innocently discover their husband’s affair by accident or find out through a little spying. Often, their husband doesn’t have any idea about the wife’s discovery because she doesn’t come out with this information or doesn’t confront him right away. And there are times, when the wife discovers the affair when it is already over. Perhaps she finds correspondence or a text that breaks the relationship off. Or maybe the other woman tells the wife about the affair, but assures her that it’s long over. This often leaves the wives with a decision to make. Does she confront him about the affair or does she just try to move on without making even more problems for their marriage because the affair is already over?

I recently heard from a wife who said: “I found Facebook messages on my husband’s computer which clearly showed me that he had an affair last year. However, I was able to follow all of the messages and determine that the relationship has been over for months. Our marriage was struggling at the time he was cheating, but it is much better now. So now I am wondering whether I should confront him about the affair and ensure that we struggle all over again. Or do I just continue trying to work on our marriage and be grateful that things are better between us?”

I can’t answer this question for anyone, but I can discuss some things that you may want to think about if you’re in this situation, which I will do below.

If You Don’t Confront Him About The Affair,You Likely Won’t Ever Have Closure And Will Always Have Questions. This Is Usually True No Matter When The Affair Ended: The wife in this situation fully admitted that her marriage was in trouble when her husband had an affair. So there wasn’t a lot of mystery as to why he cheated. But there was some question as to why he wouldn’t try to discuss the issues with his wife rather than go out and cheat with someone else.

These questions were likely to nag at the wife and would probably cause some resentment somewhere down the road. An affair is a big secret to keep and a big problem to swallow. Of course, this is a personal decision, but many wives in this situation tell me that not confronting their husbands about the affair (even though it was over) caused a lot of stress and heartache.

You Don’t Always Have To Confront Him In A Nasty “All Or Nothing” Way: The wife in this situation assumed that she had to confront her husband in a dramatic way that was sure to damage their marriage. That’s not always the case. She appreciated that they had made so much progress in their marriage. So nothing said that she had to ignore this. She could acknowledge their progress, but then tell her husband that she had learned something which had to be discussed. Her husband might have actually felt relieved to get the affair out in the open.

And who knows? Maybe this conversation would lead them to commit to being more open as problems were occurring. The discussions that come out of an affair can sometimes be very painful, but they can also sometimes lead to breakthroughs in your marriage that will bring you closer. In my opinion, there was a good chance that even if the wife chose to ignore the what she knew about the affair, it was likely to come up at another time in the future. Something this serious and detrimental is not usually something that you can just brush under the rug and hope for the best.

And nothing says this wife couldn’t wait until she was sure her marriage was back on solid ground before she brought it up. But as a wife who has been cheated on, I have to tell you that I can’t imagine sitting on this kind of issue and not saying anything. Knowing about an affair is too painful and it brings up too many questions that only your husband can answer. Plus, you want to make sure that you work on any unresolved issues so that you don’t have to worry about him cheating on you again. To me, whether the affair is over or not isn’t really the point (although it makes healing easier.) Because the very presence of an affair (even if it’s in the past) brings about certain issues and open wounds that will need to be addressed before your marriage is able to fully recover. And you deserve an open and honest marriage where you don’t need to pretend to be in the dark about something you already know.

As I said, I don’t think I could have kept the affair to myself. I just needed answers too badly. But the good news is that the affair didn’t ruin our marriage. After a lot of work, our marriage today is actually better in a lot of ways. If you think it might help, your welcome to read the whole story of how I got through my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who just could not resist confronting the woman who their husband has been cheating with. Many wives expect or hope for a full confession or an apology. But often they get neither. And sometimes, this other woman will outright lie right to your face.

I recently heard from a wife who said “my husband admitted that he has been having an affair with one of our neighbors. He said at first they were just good friends. But eventually the affair turned emotional and just lately, there have been a few physical encounters. He admitted this to me because he didn’t want it go any further and he wants to save our marriage. He showed me a few emails between them where they were flirting back and forth. I stewed over this for several days. Then yesterday I was driving out of my neighborhood when I saw the other woman getting her mail. I could not resist stopping. And I told her I knew everything. She looked at me as if she didn’t have any idea what I was talking about. I told her I knew about her and my husband’s relationship. She asked me ‘what relationship’ and insisted that they were just friends. I told her I’d read the emails between them and then she got a little red in the face, but said that it was just a very friendly relationship and that my husband must have ‘gotten the wrong idea.’ How is having physical encounters with someone getting the wrong idea? And how is meeting one another behind your spouse’s back late at night and in secret likely to get misconstrued? Why is this woman lying to me? And how can I get her to admit the truth?” I’ll try to answer all of these questions in the following article.

Often The Other Woman Will Lie Because She Doesn’t Want To Face You Or She Wants To Make It Seems As If Your Husband Is Either To Blame Or Is Blowing Everything Out Of Proportion: Think about it for a second. I know it’s unfair to ask you to consider if the roles were reversed, but I think we can all agree that it’s probably not very pleasant to be staring at the angry, enraged wife of the man that you have been cheating with. So, it’s in the other woman’s best interest to flee the situation right away. And she’s likely to say what she has to say to ensure that this happens.

She would have to be pretty stupid to stand right there and admit every inappropriate thing she has done with your husband and how she’s been going behind your back and deceiving you all along. But if she can deny everything with a straight face or make your husband look like the main culprit or primary pursuer, then she’s probably hoping that as a result you will take your anger and go right home and direct it toward your husband instead of her.

And I also have to tell you that many times, it doesn’t matter how much proof you whip out, some women are just going to continue to lie no matter what. They are never going to come clean no matter how much you push them or insist that you know the truth. So continuing to pursue them will often just frustrate you and be a waste of your time. She often isn’t worth it anyway.

Place Your Attention On Yourself. Don’t Waste Any More Time On Her: I understand that you want for her to have the decency and the courtesy to admit what she did. But I can’t tell you how much correspondence that I get about this. And the number of wives who ever get the closure that they are after from this woman are decidedly in the minority. I know that what you’d really like is for her to throw up her hands and say “OK, you’ve got me. Pull up a chair and I’ll explain everything to you from the beginning,” but this hardly ever happens. Most of the time, she will do the exact opposite.

Unfortunately, continuing to confront her is usually just a waste of time because you’ll do better if you spend that same amount of time on your own healing and on rebuilding your marriage (if that is what you decide to do.)

In order to do both of those things, you will need to leave this woman far behind. So start right now. And know that often if you continue to pursue her, you’re only giving her ammunition to contact your husband and lament how you are bothering her. What you want instead is for your husband (and you) to cut off all contact with her so that she will have no choice but to get out of life and stay out.

I advised the wife in this scenario to say her peace and then to completely walk away from the other woman and begin to place her focus on her own healing and her marriage. She was sure she wanted to save her marriage and she did appreciate the fact that her husband told her everything and showed her the emails. So continuing to approach the neighbor was only keeping her in their life. Not only that, but it would give her an excuse to whine to the husband about how his wife wasn’t leaving her alone. I’d be willing to bet that neighbor called up the husband shortly after the wife left. And this is moving backward rather than forward. In short, it was continuing to give her a starring and central role in their lives and in their marriage. Instead, they needed to cast her out and place the focus back on themselves, where it belonged.

I know that even thinking about the other woman is painful and difficult, but make sure that you don’t give her more power than she deserves. Leave her alone and focus on yourself. Because healing is often closer than you may think. It took a lot of work and patience, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes get emails from wives who feel as if they have lost the battle to keep their husband after his affair. Sometimes, he is not willing to give the other woman up and he believes that he will be happier if he leaves his wife and moves in the with her.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband has been having an eight month affair with a woman from his work. At first, he told me he would end things with her and try to save our marriage. But eventually, it became quite obvious that he wasn’t giving her up. He would still call, text, and email her and he would cover his tracks so badly that I don’t think he cared in the least if I found out. Eventually I confronted him and he admitted that he just wasn’t sure which of us he really wanted. He told me that although he wanted me too, he just couldn’t stay away from her. Last week, he came home and announced that he couldn’t live a lie anymore so he was going to move out and go to live with her. I am just beside myself because it looks like he has made his choice. I am sure that this is the beginning of the end of our marriage and eventually he will distance himself from our kids and be more of a father to her kids than his own. This whole thing makes me sick. What can I do? Do I just have to accept this?”

You don’t have to accept it forever but you may have to take a long term rather than a short term strategy if you want to eventually change the situation. I’m not going to tell you that it’s impossible to talk him out of going to live with her, but this strategy often has a lower success rate because there’s often a point in the beginning where he truly believes that he’s in love with and can’t live without her. There is little that you can do at the time to make him think otherwise, unfortunately. And even when you are successful, he can be resentful if he thinks that you are keeping him from her. It can also make her seem even more forbidden and therefore attractive and desirable.

Decisions That Have To Be Made When He’s Moving Out To Be With The Other Woman: Many wives in this situation are still very sure that they still want to be with their husband once he realizes how wrong he is. And some women are not sure if they are going to wait around for him to come back because the betrayal is just too deep. It is one situation to have an affair and then decide pretty quickly to end things completely because you want to save your marriage. But it is an entirely different situation when he can’t seem to let her go and goes so far as to move in with her.

I can’t tell you which way to go or respond. So much of this depends upon how you still feel for him and how stubborn you are about saving your marriage. I can tell you that if you are one of those women who somewhere deep inside harbors hope you for your marriage, you are not alone and your feelings are absolutely understandable. And I can tell you that there are a good many men who move out to be with the other woman only to come home with their tail between their legs some time later.

See, sometimes it takes him the experience of it blowing up in his face for him to see where he belongs and who he belongs with. And frankly, sometimes this works out to your benefit because he can’t deny just how deeply he has messed things up, which puts you in a better position in the long run. It is not at all uncommon for a man to see just who the other woman is once he lives with her. And guess what? That forbidden and wrong relationship is suddenly official and out in the open so it’s just not quite as exciting anymore. Not only that, but the other woman sort of moves into the “lady of the house” position which frankly can make her seem less attractive some of the time.

Whether this means that you will be willing to take him back once he’s ready to come home, well, only you can make that decision. There are plenty of marriages that make it under these circumstances, but the ones that do often get some sort of help to see them through. There will be a lot of damage that needs to be undone. You can’t just pretend as if she never existed or that your marriage is exactly the same. It will likely take a good deal of work and it may be downright painful and awkward in the beginning. But for those willing to walk through these difficulties, often a stronger marriage is the result, although these results do not often come easily or quickly.

And, while he’s away and living with someone else, my best advice would be to focus on yourself. Do not constantly check in or try to make him come back and feel guilty. Make him believe that you are moving on with your life and that you are attractive and self respecting enough to live that life without him. He doesn’t have to know that you might one day have a contingency plan that may or may not include him. But picking yourself up and living your life will help to make things bearable while he is gone, it will give you a head start with your life should this process take longer than you anticipated, and it will put you in a better position with him because he will see that you are not at home just awaiting his return. Because when you are, he really has no incentive to make a decision or to make a move.

I do understand that this is a really painful time. But it really is possible for things to improve with time. After my husband’s affair, I could not envision a time where I wasn’t hurt beyond belief, but a couple of years later, here we are still married and pretty darn happy. It wasn’t always an easy process, but we made it through. If it helps you’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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